A Weird Place

Yeah, this. This is just how I feel:

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/01/a-weird-place/

LOOK

ONE LITTLE WORD:

"A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything"

Last year I chose a word of the year, BE. 

http://www.2djs1mc.blogspot.com/2012/01/be.html

I thought of it throughout the year as I somehow survived one of the hardest I've ever had to. Yes, 2012, the year of heartache, hope, and then shattered dreams once again. I know for most people an early miscarriage might not be a big thing, but after waiting so long for our rainbow baby, it hurt me immensely. We didn't expect to get pregnant and in fact, had been told it probably wasn't going to happen. Although it was what I ached for more than anything, I was coming to terms with it. Then in late January, it happened....for a day, we were having another baby. I thought that maybe 2012 would be our year. Then it was gone. Everyone said that it was okay, that it meant that we could get pregnant, that there was hope, but it still hurt to know that maybe that was our only chance, and I grieved, hard, and almost entirely alone. It was confusing too, because as early as I was, we didn't really think of that baby as having it's spirit yet. In a priesthood blessing, I was told I'd have my babies (plural) to raise in the Millenium. I just accepted that Heavenly Father knew what was meant by that. I was promised that I'd have more babies to raise here on earth too....and I hoped.

Then, almost immediately, we were pregnant again. I was amazed. There was hope again. The blessing I had been given was coming true. I was having another baby that I had been promised to get to raise. A new pregnancy, a new life, a rainbow with a heartbeat and an active little body....a perfect lifeless body that I would hold in my hand just a few weeks later and ache for, another loss to survive, another chance at happiness gone for the rest of this life, another very unexpected disappointment because after all, I had been promised. In so many ways the loss of my little Reese was a million times harder than the loss of Gabriel. Of course, most people wouldn't think that, but no one could even imagine the miracle that baby boy was, the hope he brought after such a long time, and the complete heartache his loss brought to all of us. All I could do for the rest of the year was to concentrate on that one little word I had chosen for the year....to be.

After all I had learned since Gabriel died, I knew that I could survive, if I chose to. So I did. I tried. I existed, I made things happen, I occupied my life, I went on as things had before. I did all of President Hinckley's bes, I was grateful, I was humbled to my core, I was courageous, and somehow I was happy in so many aspects. I did it. I survived. I survived the lonely months of grieving, although they are still not over. I survived the heartache of baby announcements and births without letting jealousy consume me and instead really genuinely being happy for those who were blessed with babies because I had been reminded of just how happy I had been when I was. I survived the two due dates for the year, the holidays without my babies here, and the heartache of ending the year I had two losses, knowing that 2012 was the only year I could say that I had two chances at hope, even if that was gone. I survived the hardest year of my life. I did it with the help of my amazing husband, my sweet little ones, and my two angel babies holding me up. I survived it with the few friends that are still there for me. I survived it by knowing that in reality, my Savior, alone, had survived it with me. I couldn't have done it alone. I survived. I was (which is another form of be).

Now, a new year is here and it's time for a new word. I've been bed-ridden for the last little while....more on that later...and as I've laid here without much to do but think, I thought it would be so easy to come up with a new word. It hasn't. I thought about hope. I am trying to be hopeful, but I'm not quite ready to even expect that hope will stay, so hope was not the word. Last night my new word hit me, either in a dream or in those moments of subconsciousness that I've been experiencing because of being bed-ridden and heavily sedated. But it was there and it was clear and it made so much sense then. My new word:

1. to turn one's eyes toward something or in some direction in order to see: He looked toward the western horizon and saw the returning planes.

2. to glance or gaze in a manner specified: to look questioningly at a person.

3. to use one's sight or vision in seeking, searching, examining, watching, etc.: to look through the papers.

4. to tend, as in bearing or significance: Conditions look toward war.

5. to appear or seem to the eye as specified: to look pale.

Now, in the light of the day and a much clearer head, it doesn't make as much sense and I can't as eloquently write my thoughts down as they ran through my head last night, but I know that this is my word. Like last year's word, it is a verb and requires action but I love that it also requires choice. I have to choose to look, and so I will.

I will look at the present and enjoy it. It might not be what I envisioned in the past, but I am learning to accept that this is my life and although the things that I have been through in the last few years haven't really been my choice and I wish with all of my heart that my present was different, that I can still enjoy the true joys I have now if I will remember to look for them with a grateful heart. For me, being grateful really helps me. A friend and I have already challenged each other to look every single day for God in our lives and we've been reporting to each other how we've seen God each day. It has been a wonderful thing so far and I'm so excited to do it all year. I have a beautiful and blessed life and I will treasure every single moment.

I will also look to the future. Like I said, I'm not in a stage of real hope yet. I honestly have no clue what our future will bring. I have the promise of that blessing, but I know not all promised blessings come true. I have to accept that my future just might not include another baby. It's obviously not happening again and I have to be okay with that. I have to find hope in other things. I have to go on with the life and the children that I do have and plan a future without more babies. Of course, we'd welcome that chance again, but I'm not holding my breath anymore, so I will look towards the future with the hope that things will go the way the Lord has planned. I know that no matter what, whether in this life or the next, I have so much to look forward to already by simply being the mother to those two boys that have gone ahead. The future is as bright as my faith and I know it will be wonderful because Heavenly Father has promised it.

President Uchtdorf wrote in the December 2012 Ensign, "The things we hope for are often future events. If only we could look beyond the horizon of mortality into what awaits us beyond this life. Is it possible to imagine a more glorious future than the one prepared for us by our Heavenly Father?" 

I know that I must also actively look and learn in the gospel. As Nephi was told to look to see what his father before him had seen, I will look also for understanding in the gospel and in His plan for me. As the people of Moses were commanded to look and be saved, I will look towards what I know will help me, the gospel, to get me through the hard things. Alma also talked about looking. He said, "The way is prepared, and if we will look we may live forever." (Alma 37:46)

One of my favorite Conferece talks in recent years was by Carl B. Cook in which he talks about looking up.  Here is a link to it:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/it-is-better-to-look-up?lang=eng&query=up+b.+%28name%3a%22Carl+B.+Cook%22%29

I've been blessed with a wonderful husband that reminds me of this all of the time, to just look up. Although he thinks I never listen, I do. This year I will concentrate on looking up, looking for God in my daily life, looking at the now, and looking forward with faith and hope in the blessed life we have been given.

See, Ben, I might be stubborn, but I'm always listening and I'm finally looking!!

Welcome 2013!!!

I am welcoming 2013 with open arms and a heart full of hope! Although the past few years have brought me more heartache than I could have ever imagined, they have also been filled with the joy of my greatest blessings...especially the two precious boys that I will have forever and will hold in my arms again. I am thankful that those years of pain are done but I will always be thankful for what they have given me...the lessons I have learned, the strength to do hard things, the growing love I've had for those who have been there for me, the gratefulness for the relationship I have created with my Savior by really needing to depend and trust in Him, and the amazing promises to come of true joy and happiness. Welcome 2013!! May you bring many more blessings for all of us!!

New Year, New Hope

I remember that I declared 2009 the "Year of Suck". The years since have only gotten worse and have been the most heartbreaking of my life. I'm beginning to think that maybe I broke a mirror or walked under a ladder or something and that the whole "7 years bad luck" thing is in full force. The good thing about that is that with 4 years of heartache, I'm half way done! I am just hoping that 2013 brings a little more kindness than the past years have. If I've learned anything in the past 4 years, it's that I can survive my greatest nightmares and that I can do hard things!! Here's hoping that the blessings of 2013 will outweigh the trials for all of us!! Happy New Year!!

Baby Reese's Due Date

Saying goodbye to Reese

I never posted this, but decided that now, on the eve of Reese's due date, I would. Oh how we miss our little baby boy.


One of the blessings of Reese's birth was that we had his teeny tiny perfect body, which wouldn't have been possible had I had a D&C like we had planned. We decided that our family needed the closure we didn't get when we decided not to bury Gabriel and we decided to bury little Reese. We thought it might be unusual to do so, since he was born at just 13 weeks, but as we met with a few cemeteries trying to decide where the perfect place was, we were told that this is becoming more common as families are burying even the tiniest of babies because of the closure it provides the grieving families. We prayed about where would be the best place for Reese to be laid to rest. We really loved Provo Cemetery's Baby Land, where so many sweet miscarried and stillborn babies are buried all next to each other with a beautiful angel statue looking over the tiny graves, but we decided that the best place for us would be Orem Cemetery, since it is close to our home. We found the most beautiful spot that the kids all love and I know we were guided to bury him where we did. We felt so good about making this decision for our family.

We wrapped Reese in a blanket made from material that the kids had actually picked out for the blankets that some of my baby loss mom friends had made to donate to the hospital. We then placed his little body in this beautiful box, which has had a special meaning to us. Every year for Christmas, we have the tradition of acting out the Nativity. Each year, this box has been represented as one of the gifts given to the Savior by the Wisemen. Reese was due at Christmas time and how we longed to have him here this year to be part of the Nativity. My extended family had already talked about how precious it would be to have a live baby this year.  Instead, our little Reese has returned to our Savior. He was our gift for those 13 precious weeks and now he has returned to be a gift for Christ himself. This box just seemed like the perfect tiny coffin for our sweet boy.

Of course, to bury Reese, we needed to buy a bigger coffin. While it was still tiny, it had so much room in it because of how little he was. We decided to add a few things to it. All of the kids drew pictures and wrote notes for their baby brother. They had prayed and wanted this baby of ours so badly and this was a great gift they could send with him. Skylar was having a very, very difficult time with this and didn't want to be photographed. 

Since we didn't bury Gabriel, we decided that we would dedicate the grave to both Gabriel and Reese. We put in both of their ultrasound pictures.

We also let the kids pick out some teddy bears to place in the coffin.

My six babies....

All of us....

McKade and Alexis placed Reese's tiny coffin into the larger coffin. They took such great care of their beloved baby brother's coffin. The other items were added, we sealed the coffin, said a family prayer, and headed to the cemetery to bury our baby boy.

We had a small graveside service. It was only our family and our bishop, who was so loving and supportive of us burying little Reese. He knew that our entire family needed the closure that would come from laying our sweet baby to rest.

Nickolas, McKade, and I each took turns reading this beautiful version of I am a Child of God....

I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.
Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms
One bright Celestial day.

Ben said an amazing dedicatory prayer and dedicated the grave as a place where we could go to remember both our precious baby boys, Gabriel and Reese. Then we said goodbye.

Although we had to pay for burial costs, we were blessed to have a monument company, Memorial Art Monument, that volunteered to donate a gravestone for our babies. This is one of the greatest and most selfless gifts I've ever received. They were able to put both Gabriel's and Reese's names on it. We also put their symbols on....a dragonfly for Gabriel and a butterfly for Reese.

   The kids helped us to pick the design and were very excited for the day that the marker would be placed. We went a few times a week to check. Just a few weeks after Reese was buried, the monument company called Ben and told him it had been placed. We didn't tell the kids and just headed to the cemetery to see it. Their reactions were priceless as they all ran to the gravesite to see their baby brothers' gravestone.

We are so blessed to have this beautiful resting place for our little Reese and it has also been wonderful to feel we have a place dedicated to Gabriel's memory too. It has been a very peaceful and  perfect place to remember our sweet boys....too beautiful for earth....whom we love and miss so much.

Trying To Touch Heaven Week 4

11/23: Ben-warm home, Cyndi-Nick, Skylar-late overs, Nick-Mom (awwwwww), Kade-breakfast sandwiches, Alexis-"breakskiss samwiches" (obviously they were a hit)

 I'm thankful for my biggest baby boy, Nickolas Duncan. He is such a sweet kid, full of love and compassion for others and every living creature. He has a great imagination and is very creative. I'm so proud of his desire to be baptized this year and to always strive to choose the right. I'm thankful for the many hugs he gives me daily that keep me feeling loved. I even love the cuddles he gives me in the middle of the night when he wedges his entire body under mine so I wake up in pain (like this morning!). He has promised to always let me rock him back and forth, back and forth, and that as long as forever, my baby he'll be. I'm holding him to that, even when I'm old and frail! Today he came to me and said, "Mom, is there anything you need help with besides me giving you some cuddles?" He's a keeper. I love you Mr. Duncan!!

 

11/24: Ben-cleaning, Cyndi-double date night, Skylar-clothes, Nick-video games, Kade-BYU Basketball, Alexis-BYU basketball

  I'm thankful for date nights with my Benny, especially when we barely squeeze one in. I'm even more thankful for double dates with besties, The Tongs. It's awesome to have such great friends with such great memories of fun times! We had a great time going out for dinner as couples (and of course we didn't take pictures!) and then taking the kiddos (who are cuter in pics anyway) to the BYU Basketball game. We had a great night!

11/25: Ben-tithing, Cyndi-Jesus Christ, Skylar-singing, Nick-basketball, Kade-Christmas trees, Alexis-candy corns

I am thankful for my brother, my friend, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. When I feel completely lost and lonely, I know that He always knows exactly how I am feeling. I am thankful for His Atonement and that He loves me enough to have already gone through all of my trials for me and now He goes through them with me. He aches and cries with me as well as feels the joys and triumphs I do. I can't imagine my life without Him in it and I am eternally thankful for that.

"While the Lord clearly promises, “In the world ye shall have tribulation” (John 16:33), life’s challenges are rarely the same for you as they are for me. I can also acknowledge that you have challenges that I will likely never experience, challenges and crosses that will be just as stretching for your soul as mine are for me. I can resist the temptation to assume the role of the Master Physician by announcing to you in your despair, “Be of good cheer” or “I understand just how you feel,” being aware that it is from His voice that you and I both need to receive this message if we will be healed. He is the only one who truly understands our sorrow. Only He has felt our personal pain. "
-Camille Fronk

11/26: Ben-lunch with his ladies (me & Lex), Cyndi-Alexis, Skylar-Christmas trees, Nick-naan, Kade-Gordon (his BFF), Alexis-spinach

 I am thankful for my sweet sunshine baby girl, Alexis. This girl of mine brings so much happiness to our family. She is crazy and cuckoo and almost always smiling, laughing, and happy as can be. I hear I used to be exactly like her once upon a time. She's a sweetheart and is always willing to share her cherished blankie for a cuddle and some love. She's a proud big sister, a role that she takes very seriously, even though her baby brothers are in heaven. She never lets us forget Jesus, Gabriel, and Reese. I love her sweet testimony of the plan of salvation at such a young age and the faith she teaches me. The last four years of her life have been the hardest of mine, but I know she was sent to us as a gift to get us through our trials with her bright smile and adorable personality. She is truly a treasure of a girl. I love you my sweet Lexi Lou!!

11/27: Ben-my boys, Cyndi-modern conveniences, Skylar-sweatpants, Nick-Dad, Kade-razors, Alexis-Christmas

   I'm thankful for all of the modern conveniences of life....computers, the internet, cell phones, ovens, microwaves, Kitchenaids, Blendtecs (I love, love, love my green smoothies!), dishwashers, refrigerators, washing machines, dryers, cars, toilets, hot showers and so many more. I know I can do hard things, but I'm so thankful that these things make so many things on my to-do list a million times easier!!

11/28: Ben-my girls, Cyndi-true friends & texting (I started doubling up since I was running out of November!), Skylar-slippers, Nick-rice, Kade-hair, Alexis-Santa 

 I'm thankful for true friends....the real friends that are there for me, to laugh with me, to cry with me, to listen to me, to remember with me, and who will love me no matter what. I'm thankful for the friends that love me enough to send me a message, a text, or a hug, even from a distance, just when I need it. I'm thankful for the true friends that are there by my side, even when that means it might be hard or uncomfortable for them. I'm thankful for the friends that inspire me to be a better person because they are better people. I have been truly blessed to have the awesome true friends that I do. You know who you are and I love you!!

"A true friend is willing to take us the way we are, but is still able to leave us better than he found us." ~Marvin J. Ashton

   I am soooooo thankful for texting!!! Honestly, I could not live without it. That is a challenge I will not even attempt. I know it's totally anti-social, but an actual phone conversation is rarely convenient for me, so I'm kind of a texting freak. I'm thankful for my awesome texting friends that know this about me and are always just a text away.....an especially huge thankful to those who I have over 1000 text conversations with. You know you have a true texting friend when it reaches that high. :)

 11/29: Ben-my beard (which got a major trim), Cyndi-being a stay at home mom & alternative and modern medicine, Skylar-nature, Nick-the moon, Kade- Santa Claus, Alexis-reindeer

Today I'm thankful to be a stay at home mom to these 4 crazies. It's the best job I've ever had and also the busiest. I am thankful that it affords me the opportunity to be here for my kids when they need me, to help in my kids' classes at school (getting a hug from your kid at school in front of all of their friends has to be one of the greatest things), and to take a long and much needed nap with my little Lex because we didn't quite get in enough cuddles this morning. I'm thankful for the job that my husband has that allows us the freedom to have me be at home. I'm thankful that he's always supported me in doing so. I know it's something that not everyone is afforded and I count it as a great blessing. I am in awe at all the mommas out there that have to work and still be a mom. I'm exhausted enough just doing this. You're amazing!!

 I'm thankful for alternative medicine and modern medicine. I'm thankful that through alternative medicine with essential oils, all sorts of supplements, and visits to my amazing voodoo chiropractor I'm finally feeling better after months of feeling miserable. I'm also thankful that I'm finally getting my big fat neuroma cut out of my foot in a couple of weeks. It will be awesome to walk after years of hobbling around in almost constant pain. Of course, the recovery is going to suck and it will be majorly inconvenient, but when is foot surgery ever convenient? I'm just glad it's finally happening!!

 11/30: Ben-Heavenly Father & Jesus, Cyndi- 5 thankfuls today!!, Skylar-holidays & birthdays, Nick-the Thankful Tree, Kade-Autumn, Alexis-toast 

Thankful #1 of the day.....I'm thankful for a nice clean home that invites peace and the Spirit. I love Fridays for this reason! I'm self-admittedly OCD when it comes to a clean house because really, it stresses me out to live in chaos. I can't think or truly relax unless it's somewhat orderly. You know what it says about cleanliness? It's next to Godliness, and heaven knows I'm striving for that. I'm also thankful that when my house is clean, we can feel the peace we are always welcoming here so that we can feel our babies near....I think they like our house to be clean too....because when it is, I know they're right by our sides, helping us to do better every day. "Because someone we love is in heaven, we feel heaven in our home."

  Thankful #2 for the day....I'm thankful for cuddles and hugs. I know, it sounds majorly cheesy, but honestly they go a long way to help a hurting heart and bring some extra loving to our family. I'm thankful that I have a family of cuddlers (minus one who is finally starting to come around!!) and a king size bed to accommodate us all so that every morning is a major rush to get out the door since we've spent too long cuddling. It's worth it!!

 Thankful #3 of the day....I am so thankful for music in my life. I'm a huge fan of so many kinds (minus country!!). Music helps me get through my tasks, my trials, my everything. In a way, Ben and I wouldn't even know each other without music and it's definitely been one of the passions that we share. I'm also thankful for live concerts and super thankful that we get to go see the Killers in concert tonight! There's not much more I love than a live concert, especially when they're far and few between these days. Whoohoo!!

It was such an awesome concert! We had killer tickets on row 10. I love the Killers!! 

Thankful #4 of the day.....I am thankful for living prophets and apostles that help me personally every day. I am thankful for how easy it is to access their words and messages just when I need them through lds.org or mormonchannel.org. I seek out some of their goodness every day. I know that my Heavenly Father has helped to have these things available right when my heart needs them. I am thankful that He is not silent and that He can guide me through His servants. I am especially thankful for this video today, that helps me to remember daily the many, many blessings that God has given me:

http://youtu.be/DF01BQAcj8E

Thankful #5 of the day....the last thankful for the month. I am so thankful for our family tradition of concentrating on our thankfuls each and every day for a month! It really helps me, especially at a hard time of year for me, to see just how many wonderful things my family and I have to feel gratitude for. I love watching my kids get so excited about adding their thankful each day to our thankful tree and seeing how the tree just blooms with blessings! This month we have had some hilarious additions such as sweatpants, popcorn, sneezes, and everyone in the whole wide world!!...as well as the ones that really are our most precious blessings....the temple, the gift of the Holy Ghost, the Book of Mormon, & Jesus, Baby Gabe, & Baby Reese. We are a truly blessed family!!!