Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hashgocho

Last night we did some parsha. I started to exaplain to David that there are special signs to determine if an animal is kosher. "Why can't you just look for the hashgocho?" he asked.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Diaries, My Toys, Homework Addendum

David has been dying for a diary. I'm not sure why he would want it, but he did. Yesterday it arrived in the mail and he was so excited, especially about the little lock and key. He promptly sat down and penned four pages--they are small pages--of "daer diurey" entries. He wrote about how he felt on the first day of his new school ("I was nervise and I cried to my dad"), difficulties riding a bike, a movie he saw with "three dee glasus" that he liked and a swiming exhibition for parents at camp.
He's not a very expressive writer in general--this is one area of concern we see from his homework--and it was quite a surprise to see him writing freely in this manner. So maybe this is a good way to develop his writing skills and confidence while at the same time giving him an opportunity to "speak up" and vent (and provide us with a window into into his little mind).
* * *
On the subject of homework . . .
I recently had a post about our experiences with David's homework and I aknowledged the debate over the utility of homework in general. One thing I forgot to note is that I like homework because it enables us to know what is going on in David's class and if he is able to keep up. The homework might not help him, but it helps keep us informed.
* * *
I am a pack rat, but over the years I've slowly cleared out all my accumulated crap from my mother's basement. What remains are mostly books (tons of them) as well as some toys and other typical childhood items (baseball cards, comic books, train set, etc.). There was one box with toy soldiers, cowboys and Indians, GI Joes and other action figures. Every time David was in the basement he would stand over this box, salivate and beg me for it's contents. Being the sentimental pack rat that I am, I refused his entreaties. I knew he'll just lose them, break them, etc.
I finally realized that it is really pointless to keep this box in my mother's basement just for the sake of it. They have no real monetary value and what is the point of them collecting dust? Just so once a year I can go downstairs, look at them, and for a fleeting momement have a window into childhood memories? So I brought the box home and started letting him choose items from it on a periodic basis (mostly for rewards/reinforcement).
The box is about half empty now but David is starting to lose interest (and the contents no longer work as well as rewards/reinforcement). I have to wonder what in the heck was I thinking when I kept the box in my mom's house. So now I have this empty box on top of the microwave and what will I do with it if David really loses total interest? Throw it out? Give it away. Maybe I should have just given him the whole box to begin with and let that be the end of it.
This morning David showed me a fake GI Joe that he received from a classmate in return for one of my Star Wars storm troopers. Wait, did I say *my* Star Wars storm trooper? Even though I gave it to him, in my mind I still think of these as my toys and I was disappointed and upset that he so casually and thoughtlessly dispensed with one. But I don't need the storm trooper and if it makes David happy, why should I care? (Although it's not altogether clear to me that David really wanted to make the trade and that he didn't do it because he was coerced into it or in order to curry favor.)

Monday, March 14, 2011

Family Pictures

I don't understand why people plaster their walls with pictures of the kids. Now I have nothing against a few small cutesy pictures here and there, but I've been to homes where every available inch of wall space is covered by adorable pictures of the kids. Yes, they really are adorable, but in many homes I start to feel like I'm visiting a memorial (God forbid).
Yes, I like to take pictures to preserve memories--although I have to admit we did this much more frequently with David--, but why the need to frame and display these memories when the kids are right there in the flesh busy creating new memories. Running around, playing, laughing, learning, being naughty, etc. I just don't get the need for a gallery of frozen, inanimate photographs.
As long as I'm ranting about wall pictures, I also don't understand why people need to hang those gaudy, oversize wedding portraits in the living room.
(For a timely but unrelated post on a chumra against hanging pictures of girls, visit the good professor here).

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Having Another Kid?

I know this is going to sound crazy, but sometimes I read about an amazing personality and I wish for another child so I can name him or her after that person. Right now I'm thinking about Irina Sendler, concerning whom someone just fowarded me a brief bio:
There recently was a death of a 98 year-old lady named Irena. During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw Ghetto, as a Plumbing/Sewer specialist. She had an 'ulterior motive' ... She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews, (being German.) Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried and she carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger kids..) She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.. During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants. She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard.
After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived it and reunited the family. Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.Last year Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize ... She was not selected. Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.
(For more info, see Wiki and Snopes.)
Right now my favorite boy's name is Pinchas (of Kehati fame).

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Pedophilia in Jewish Institutions

Over the last few years we've read about various educational figures being accused of sexually deviant behavior. This was a topic of discussion--of course along with tuition and other yeshivah-related venting--with our hosts this past Shabbat in light of a new accusation.
So how should parents with children in the school react when someone in the school is accused of pedophilia? My reaction ("Don't switch the child to a different school" is in black followed by "switch the kid" in red):
1) Our host commented that accusations against a sexual predator in a school are not--on their own merit--enough of a reason to pull a child from the school. After all, she argued, it can happen anywhere. Unfortunately I think there is a certain truth to this. It's a "the grass isn't always greener" argument. And after all, pulling a child from one institution that does not have mechanisms in place to prevent--or at least minimize the risk of--such behavior (which unfortunately is typical in Jewish schools*) and putting him/her in another institution that lacks the same mechanisms may be pointless. (*Just to clarify, I don't think pedophilila is typical in Jewish schools, but rather the absence of good measures to prevent it is typical.)
Of course it can happen anywhere, but the fact that one pedophile felt comfortable and safe enough to act can mean there are others in the same institution who feel it is a haven for them to prey without repercussions. There is simply no way to clean house and realistically ensure a safe future no matter how the school reacts.
2) Since it can happen anywhere, the single most important factor in deciding whether or not to pull the child is how a school reacts when accusations are leveled against a staff member. Does it circle the wagons and deny that such activity happens or that the school is already doing all that is possible to prevent such behavior? Does the school hire independent professional outsiders to review how the alleged behaviours could have been prevented and recommend what steps can be taken to ensure such behaviour can't take place in the future? Are such recommendations followed up on? Are these policies in writing and are all staff members instructed in them? Does the school notify parents of the accusations and encourage them to talk their children about the specific case and about abuse in general? Is there any talk of consulting rabbonim?
3) Is there any indication that a cover-up took place or that other staff members were aware of what was going on? If yes, will anyone involved in a cover-up or otherwise involved in enabling what happened be fired?
Who really knows what happened, who knew what, etc.?
4) How far can/should we go to protect our children? Some people (myself included) think it's ridiculous that yeshivos don't fingerprint prospective staff, institute mandatory reporting policies, have written policies regulating staff-child interactions (e.g., never be alone with a kid in a closed area), etc. Yet we also regularly entrust our kids to others (e.g., camps; shul youth groups; Bnei Akiva, Pirchei Aguda and other youth groups; day care centers; babysitters; tutors; etc.) without even thinking about insisting on the same level of protection?
It's true that we can't stand by our kids' side 24/7 until they are eighteen years old. But the fact that our kids may sometimes be in environments over which we have no control shouldn't prevent us from trying to ensure they are in safe environments as often as possible.
4) It's your kid and there is no shame in taking steps born in illogical paranoia in order to protect him/her.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Ten Lared

Today I was presented with two interesting captcha word verifications. I tried to leave a comment on a blog and was presented with the captcha word "liar." I refused this indignity, even if randomly generated.

Then I needed to use Google Books to download an article from The Atheneum (a nineteenth century British periodical) and was met with the captcha verification: "tenlared," i.e., תן לרד--let it download! See below for a screen shot (click on image to enlarge). How could I even make this up?!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Firsts

Ora loves to walk around. No more hip swivels. Real steps, albeit still the stiff Frankenstein type. Not only was she ready for shoes, but she wanted them. A few times she took my shoes, sat on the floor and inserted her feet. So on Sunday we bought her first pair of shoes. No crying or screaming or falling flat on her face as with David. While Kinneret looked around Ora actually went and chose two shoes and brought them to Kinneret.
Ora still likes to play with our shoes. Yesteday morning she carried a pair of shoes over to me to put on her, except they were David's. Today she put my crocs on her feet.

* * *

She also says "out" (as in take me "out" of the crib) and "baby."

* * *

Yesterday we enjoyed the nice weather by taking her to the zoo for the first time. She enjoyed it (and called all the animals "baby") but freaked out when the llamas came too close. For her "woof woof" is the universal animal language and not just for dogs.

* * *

A few weeks ago I started taking Ora to shul shabbat morning. She is pretty well behaved, which is a good thing because my present shul is a lot more decorous than the one that I attended when I first started taking David to shul. (Not that he was really a problem and he was generally much better behaved than the adults.)


One acquaintance was amazed when he realized that I brought the kids myself. He comes with his older boys but he said he would never even attempt to bring his baby. It came out in the conversation that he doesn't really ever change diapers. I can't say that I don't do my share of diaper duty evasion, but I'm amazed--ok, in awe?--that in this generation dads can still get away without doing diaper duty.

* * *

Ora points to her nose and belly when prompted (so far in English only). She also puts her hands on her head if you say "uh oh." She waves a lot.

* * *

Last night she climbed into David's bed while he was sleeping and lay down next to him. Thank God he's a really heavy sleeper.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Thoughts on Homework

David gets a lot of homework and sometimes it becomes a chore--for him and for us. I'm much stricter than Kinneret and I generally insist that he complete it. Aside from the educational utility of homework--yes, I know this is a matter of debate--I feel that the more times we let it slide then he will become even less likely to do his homework and will in general develop poor homework habits (as well as become increasingly emboldened in his defiance of our authority).
On the other hand, there has to be a limit to how far we push. I don't believe in doing homework just for the sake of doing homework and there has to be some type of pedagogical gain. If at some point it becomes obvious that he is too tired and there's no way for him to absorb anything, then what is the point of pressing on? Why torture him and ourselves?
So where is that line between fostering good homework habits and educational progress on the one hand, and torture on the other hand?

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Worst Part of Returning from Vacation . . .

. . . is dealing with kids who've been spoiled by the grandparents for a week.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Time to Call it Quits?

We really wanted the talmud torah to work. For all sorts of reasons. But it's just not working out for David. His behavior has become so bad that Kinneret and I fight it out to decide who will pick him up because we are afraid to face the teacher and get the bad report. It's too embarassing.

The truth is that he's ususally well behaved in school. We apologize profusely to the talmud torah teacher and profess our bewilderment why a kid who has never had problems in day care, school or camp is suddenly misbehaving and worse yet acting disrespectfully toward the teachers. Everytime I utter these words to the teacher I imagine him about to roll his eyes and thinking to himself, "another out-of-touch parent who thinks his kid is a perfect angel." (Actually the teacher is very apologetic about our many apologies and he says there is no reason for us to apologize.) But really, David is generally otherwise very quiet and behaved in educational settings. (Sometimes I even wish he would act out a bit or be naughty in class.)

If I had to take some guesses I'd say that the root of the problem could be:
  • He has a very long day; or,

  • He is bored because he is more advanced than the other children (because of his backround and home reinforcement ); or,

  • The environment is too informal; or,

  • A combination of the above.
Or maybe the problem is us and this is simply another instance of us not disciplining him properly?
* * *
A recent comment thread on Orthonomics went off on a tangent in response to a parent who reported that his son's school is unable to deal with the boy's suspected learning and behavioral issues. It was clear to most commenters--myself included--that there was no good reason for the boy to remain in this school and that in fact his interests were being harmed by his continued presence there.

Of course it's easy to dish out armchair advice to someone else, however when I step back for a moment should it be obvious that the time has come for us to take David out of talmud torah as well? At some level I am reluctant to do so because this means that he wins. It becomes yet another notch in his belt in his power struggle with us. Part of me wants to keep him there out of a feeling that we need to make a concerted stand and tame him. Yes, I'm well aware that this is the wrong reason to keep in the talmud torah--parenting isn't about "winning." There are some other (perhaps not entirely compelling) reasons to keep him in the talmud torah. But where exactly is that fine line that guides us how far we should go to try and work out the behavior issue (and for how long) before we pull him?

Friday, February 11, 2011

Wanted: Famous Black Jews

David has to learn about a famous black person for school. Anyone have any suggestions for a famous black Jew? (I can only think of modern entertainment personalities.) He or she should really be American, but let me know about about famous foreign black Jews as well. Bonus points for pointing out a book about the person appropriate for a first grader. Thanks, Abba.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Wise-A@@ Frumkeit Part 1

Earlier this evening I was adjusting the temperature of the bath water while David waited naked in the hallway. I turned around for a second and saw that he had grabbed a pair of my tzitzit and draped it over his body. We already had some tense moments this evening because he misbehaved again in talmud torah, and it was getting late now and I just wanted to finish up and get him to bed. So I ignored him and continued with the water.
I turned around again as he darted into and the living room and watched him return with Kinneret's Tehillim in hand. He opened it up and pretended to daven. At this point I told him to stop and explained that it isn't respectful to daven while naked.
"But Abba," he protested, "I'm saying Baruch ata . . . malbish arumim!"*
Was I supposed to reprimand him or shep nachas?
_____________________
* "Blessed art thou, Lord our God, Master of the Universe, who clothest the naked people."

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Juvenile Lie Detector (Or Instilling the Fear of God Part I)

Lie Detector (Or, Instilling the Fear of God Part I)
When David was younger and I suspected him of lying I used a little trick I learned from a wise friend of mine. I would warn David that I was going to use the Pinocchio test. If he's lying and I touch the tip of his nose then his nose will grow.
At first it worked like a charm, but eventually the Pinocchio test became compromised and I was left hanging.
One day I asked David a question and I knew for sure he was lying and so I called him on it. He was flabbergasted that I saw through him and I told him that I have cameras all over the place and he can't hide anything from me. "Really?" he asked in awe. "Yes," I affirmed, "you can't get anything by me."
A few months ago David approached me in the kitchen and I called him on something. I thought for sure he was lying despite all his emotional and emphatic protestations to the contrary. I refused to budge even as he was on the verge of tears. Exasperated I finally threw my hands up in the air and muttered, "how am supposed to know if you're telling the truth?"
With tears rolling down his eyes, he answered, "please Abba, you can check the cameras."
Instilling the Fear of God Part II (Or, Instilling the Fear of Abba, Part I)
Last year David learned the middle finger in school. (Just for the record, this would be when he was still in yeshivah.) We let him know in no uncertain terms that we never want to see him do this.
One day were were in the lobby and he beckoned to me with his middle finger. Boy did I let him have it (verbally). The truth is I realized afterward that it wasn't intentional, but my mistake was worth the payoff.
The next night Kinneret was cutting his fingernails, but when she got to the middle finger he refused to extend it so she could cut it. He just kept shaking his head and finally explained, "I don't want to get in trouble with Abba."
Instilling the Fear of God Part III (Or, Instilling the Fear of Abba, Part II)
Last year I scared the crap out of David and he learned his lesson not to touch my iPhone without explicit permission. I don't recall now what happened, but I do remember that it felt really good to see him cower in fear.
Instilling the Fear of God Part IV (Or, Lack of Yiras Shamayim?)
I was recently talking with a friend of mine about parenting, punishments, bribing, positive reinforcement, etc. She has a daughter the same age as David and she said when her daughter doesn't listen she says something to the effect of "but Hashem is watching." She claims it works like a charm. I don't feel so comfortable invoking God for behavior modification, but last week I broke down and gave it a try. It didn't work.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Yesteday David corrected my Spanish for the second time. My Spanish isn't that bad and it's interesting that he's catching my mistakes.
(The following won't mean anything to readers, but hopefully will jog my memory in 20 years when I read this post: Mushrooms, bedroom, "I'm a tree.")

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My Advice to Keep the Car from Icing

1) Pretreat the windows with Ice Blocker or something similar.
2) Cover the side mirrors with plastic bags.
3) Cover the windshield wiper blades with garbage bags.
4) Leave the wipers extended out (not up, but out, as if you were changing or cleaning the blades).
5) Keep de-icer spray and a good ice scraper handy in case the windows do ice over. Don't pour hot water on the windows to melt the ice. (If you do, you won't have to worry about the windows icing over again.)
Good luck!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

It's Official

This morning I saw Ora take about seven or eight steps down the hallway. More like seven or eight semi-pivots or hip swivels, but it got her from point A to point B nonetheless. Its funny how awkward the movements are and how self-conscious she is that is trying to walk. We just walk, but she has to think about it. And she is so proud of herself.
Anyway, now that I've seen it it's official: Ora can walk.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Ora Update

I came home from a male-bonding vacation with David to hear Ora say "Mama" and watch her take a couple of steps (and pivot). There were already rumors circulating two weeks ago that she had taken a step or two, but if I don't see it then it doesn't count.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Talmud Torah Shaylah

A few weeks ago I waited in the car while Kinneret went to get David from talmud torah. She opened the door and as she strapped David in she said to me, "guess what happened today."
"Oh no, not again," I muttered.
"No, you'll get nachas from this," she said.
David had learned about Yosef's ketones pasim for parshas hashavu'ah. As an activity the class was given white t-shirts and markers to decorate them with many colors. One boy drew a picture of a fishing trip with his father. A girl drew hearts. And David simply wrote across the chest:
בראישת ברא אלהים את השמים ואת הארש
ויהארש [????] מרחפת
אל פני המים ויאר
אלוהים את האור ובן
המים אשר מעל לרקיאה
ויהי ערב ו
He wrote out what he remembered by heart from the first few pesukim of parshas bereishis, which I've been teaching him to lein.* (There were also a few nekudos but I can't reproduce them here). Yeah, it's jumbled and garbled, but I still thought it was cool that he even thought to do this to begin with instead of just drawing a picture like his classmates.
So my shaylah: Is it permissible to wash this shirt? Or even to wear it?
(*Progress note: He can lein bereishis through yom shelishi, a little into the third paragraph of keri'as shema and the first line or two of Friday night kiddush. I've started now to teach him to recognize the trop symbols and he can lein any word with a revi'i and I think pashta. He's also not bad with dagesh chazak and mapik heh, but I don't plan on stressing meseg with him.)
* * *
Ora can stand very nicely without holding on and has good balance, but she's still reluctant to walk. Kinneret said she took two steps last night, but I didn't see (so it doesn't count).
Her first word (a few weeks ago) was "up" or "abba." We're not sure which, as both are uniconsonantal bilabial plosive words and we couldn't really tell if she was enunciating a strongly aspirated "p" or a separate "ba" syllable. But now she definitely says both words distinctly. And still babbling a ton. If you say "oh no" she'll put her hands on the sides of her head and if you say "yes" she'll nod her head.
Still infatuated with David. Reverse is true, as long as she's not trying to play with his train table. Yesterday he hauled her out of the crib in the morning when she woke up and put her on Kinneret's bed.
* * *
David has a fear of homelessness. A few times he's asked where he will live when he gets much older. "And what if I don't have anywhere to live?" I reassured him that he'll always be welcome in our home, but he wasn't too comforted.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Signing Over the Kids

Recently I've spoken with a few parents who have first-grade children in day schools in order to have a measure with which to compare David's limude kodesh progress.
In some cases the parents tell me plainly that they're not really sure what their kids are doing in school. Other parents respond with generalities but it's clear they really don't know. In one case a parent told me his kid was learning x, y, z and offered to show me some of his school books and papers, but when we inspected them it became evident that the parent was clueless.
One thing that I've realized since switching David out of day school is the extent to which so many--I acknowledge not all--frum parents have handed over the responsibility for chinuch--in the widest sense--to others. We just assume that our kids will get everything need Jewish-wise in school. I don't write this as a value judgement, but simply as an observation of the way things are. Although I could justly be accused of seeking to micromanage my son's education while he was in day school and as much as we mentally prepared ourselves for public school, there was simply no way for us to anticipate the scope and full implications of the burden we were to assume. Only parents who already have children in public school can appreciate that burden.
* * *
One of the benefits of not sending a child to a day school is that a parent can (theoretically) provide him with a limude kodesh education tailored to the parents' wants and the child's needs/abilities. Keeping this mind, there is some irony in my attempts to compare David's progress with that of his day school peers. After all, why should it matter? The best answers I can come up with:
1) We have no idea what we're doing and it's helpful--or at least it feels reassuring--to have some type of external measure.
2) We want to make sure he can switch back into a day school, whether next year or in five years, and not be at a disadvantage (or worse).

Monday, December 27, 2010

'Tis the Season to be Jolly . . . (Uncut)

(This is what I originally wrote and I'm posting it now to clarify yesterday's abbreviated post.)

I miss David being in a school environment where Hanukkah is celebrated.
I don't miss Hanukkah gifts for the staff.
The truth is I don't think there is anything wrong with presenting teachers and other staff with a token of appreciation, although I'm conflicted over whether a group collection or individual presents are preferable. But I think it's a problem when cash gifts are expected, moreover when large cash gifts are expected. (One friend gave his son's rebbe five hundred dollars!?)
And don't give me that nonsense that there is nothing wrong with a rebbe accepting such a gift if parents give it of their own volition and there is nothing the school can do about this. When I worked in camp we were forbidden to accept any tips from parents and it was understood that violators would be fired. (In my two summers I never heard of anyone taking a tip.) While public school employees where I live are permitted to receive presents, they are limited to gifts worth twenty five dollars or less. And I can tell you that the vast majority of gifts are worth a fraction of that. And just in case the policy isn't clear, at the last PTA meeting the principal reiterated over and over that parents are not expected to give gifts, than any gifts must be less than $25 and that there is really no reason even to give that much (and that a homemade holiday card is perfectly fine).
But yes, I miss David being in a school environment where Hanukkah is celebrated.