Normal

I'd better preface.  The use of quotes will be overused in the following dialogue.  So, if you hate such usage...sorry in advance.

I've been mulling this post over in my head a lot the past few days, trying to determine exactly how to phrase what is in my head.

Adam and I used to joke about what is considered "normal."  I contended that many of his "isms" were not "normal" while he contended that "normal" did not exist so it was impossible for me to deem something/someone abnormal.

He liked to debate.  That's why he married me.  Never a dull moment in our marriage.  How boring his life would've been if I would've been a "whatever you say dear" type woman.  I'm glad we kept things interesting.

I laughed that his original premise of normalcy changed throughout our marriage and he came to realize that what he may've at one time considered "normal" was indeed NOT normal.  We laughed.  It makes me smile when I think about it.  Always has.

I decided (then and now) that my definition for normal is: what is socially acceptable to "most" people, that if others (or I) screw up their noses or raise an eyebrow at a particular behavior, smell, object, emotion, situation, person, place....well, then it or they would be considered abnormal.  And as such, the object or person would need to be dealt with appropriately (as in, to help make "normal"), or be ignored, realizing the inability to make such a thing or person normal happens quite frequently.

In this new world of my grieving, now that some time has passed (although yes, it STILL feels like it's August to me....), I'm starting to tackle my own feelings, emotions, spirituality, frustrations--finally a bit more anyway.  The whole "WHAT DO I DO with all of this?" is coming to a head for me.  I get frustrated that unlike many of our relatives or friends of Adam's who 'just' get to be sad and miss him, I have to--very literally--pick up the pieces of him--one by one--and find a place for them all.  It's frustrating that no one truly knows EXACTLY what it's like to lose a spouse, at this age, in such a terribly gruesome manner, with our children privy to what 'real' death is like, at this time of our lives, and EXACTLY what I'm missing now.  Not that I'd wish this upon anyone else (I totally wouldn't), but it's tough to relate to others--or to just be in a position that I wish others understood too.

When we get married, we leave our father and mother and cleave unto each other (just as the scriptures say).  There is a real purpose in this.  As much as I love my little boys, I realize that while the years I have with them are important, the time that they are adults and act upon the principles taught to them during their formative years is (by and large) more important--it's the time in which they are on their own and with their future wives that is most important in sort of "proving" who they are, where their foundations lie, who they really "are" as people.  Adam and I talked about how we hope that our boys marry good, solid women who can help lead them along--as a good wife does.  I hope that my boys will someday achieve this same realization and find this kind of love that only exists and can only be understood between a married couple.

THAT is what I miss.  US.  ONLY US.  No one else.  THAT bond.  That NO ONE else understands.  And maybe only married couples who are bonded in that way can have an inkling of what I'm talking about.

It's knowing what the other person is thinking, without either person saying a word.

It's sighing aloud, and having the other person just know.

It's really all the little things that only a couple can understand.  Verbalize.  Or not verbalize.

And so I have to figure out what normal is.  What our "new" "normal" is.  I hate it.  I hate that it's a forced normal--that I have to figure out what "normal" is, even though I'd really rather not have any part of it.

Here are a few "normals" I've come up with....

It's normal that I still wake up every morning and pretend for a few seconds that this is all just a bad dream.  I think almost every morning that the only reason I'm in my bed without Adam is that he's on call.  I wonder when this "normal" will go away.

I've taken Adam's side of the bed to sleep in, sleeping in his dent in the bed makes me feel closer to him somehow.  It's easier to stare at my empty side of the bed than his.

It's normal for me to stare into the shower everyday and pretend he's there somehow.  To picture him hanging up his towel in his own way.

I still try to grab 4 plates out of the cupboard at dinnertime instead of 3 and have to look back at the kids sitting at the table and count out how many people are really at the table.  I didn't realize math and counting were this difficult.

With every milestone that Carson does or achieves, I find myself saying, "I can't wait to tell Adam later that he did ____" or "Adam will think this is funny."  I STILL do it.  I did it for 10 1/2 years, so it's a hard habit to break.  It's very frustrating.  It's even more frustrating when I think that he'll understand something "funny" because it relates to something in the past, and then I realize that the thing that happened in the past was something that happened since the crash--so he wouldn't "get it."  That kills me.  It's a real reminder to me of time marching on.

It's very normal for people to do a lot of odd things or say a lot of odd things to me (or grieving people in general).  Apparently, it's normal.  I was glad to have had my friend April here to see some of it.  It made me feel validated like "I'm not going crazy" and I was glad that I had another set of eyes to witness some of what I'm going through.

It's normal to block out trauma.  It's really bizarre to me which portions I have blocked out.  I'm still praying that Justin is able to block out most of the trauma he viewed.  I made the mistake the other day when going through our basement of picking up some of the contents of the box (from the car) that was given to me by the police officers.  A baggie that had the new shoes Justin was wearing on that first day of school--they looked a million years old.  I'll spare you the "real" details.  But all I know is that if what was on his shoes was covering Justin (as I'm sure it was) I have to continue to pray that the images of that day will go away and never, ever return to my sweet Justin's head.  My poor sweet boy.  If only I could do something to take it all away from him.  It's normal to be a momma bear and want to protect my cubs.

Last night I had tucked Spencer in after he was a bit wound up from going to a get together with some of our friends.  I was putting some things away and I heard Spencer talking to a little toy figurine thing that he took with him to bed.  "We have to pray and then Daddy will come back to be with us, he'll be all better."  I don't care how many therapists and do-gooders tell me that Justin is going to be the more psychologically messed up one based on what he saw than Spencer and because "of Spencer's age" that he'll forget.  I still maintain that Spencer is more messed up right now, mostly because I think Justin deals with things in a manner that is lightyears beyond his age (I'm not saying that is good either, it just is what it is).  This little comment from Spencer reminded me once again that these boys are still suffering--in ways that I can't even imagine.  They aren't just suffering over the fact that the light of their lives is dead.  They are still suffering from a major traumatic event--the witnessing of the death of their father.  No one should have to see in their lifetimes what those boys saw.

As I went and snuggled Spencer and explained (once again....yes, I'm STILL having to explain this to him over and over) that Daddy is dead, Daddy will not be coming back to be with us, Justin came in to be with us.  We had a little talk, something that we've discussed a lot, but it seemed to make more of an impact this time.

In our church, we believe that one of the most sacred, holiest of places on earth is in the temple.  I have felt that and I know that to be true.  We are also taught in our church that our homes can be like the temple in sacredness.  The boys and I have talked about this as being one of the reasons that we need to treat each other with respect so that the Holy Ghost can dwell in our home and we can feel peace.  It is one of those lifelong goals that we'll always have.

Anyway, so we have family prayer each night before bedtime.  We kneel down together and pray.  We thank Heavenly Father for the blessings that we have and ask Him for the blessing we need.  While it's difficult for Spencer to quiet down and kneel some evenings,  I've explained to the boys a truth that I feel about family prayer.  I firmly believe that Adam can be with us for family prayer when our home is prepared and in tune for him to be with us.  Reminding the boys of this helps them calm down, and Spencer will even pat the floor in our family circle of where he wants Daddy to be.  So last night when I explained to the boys that I feel Adam near at times, that it isn't about being at his grave in California to talk to him, that we can feel him with us, Justin became very interested in this.  I told him that I talk to Adam multiple times a day, in various situations and that I know that he is here for this is his home and we are his.  Justin liked this a lot.  He opened up for a while and I'm glad because I know he needs it.  Spencer listened but I can tell my telling him that Daddy isn't coming back to play with us is not a "done" discussion.

I find myself saying to Adam "I wish you were here to ___."  Last night as I was having this discussion, a wave came over me, one that I've had before and it kind of made me smile, and get more frustrated at the same time.  When I was pregnant with Carson, I had a couple times where I called Adam at work and would whine or freak out and wonder if I was really in labor or just call him to tell him that I wished he were home.  He would generally respond something to the effect of an exasperated, "I can't do anything about it.  What do you want me to do?"  I said this same thing last night and it was strange how very quickly the response came back from "him"--so quickly that I was shocked to feel that exasperation!  But it was a witness to me once again that he is not simply "gone" and that he can be with us at times.  I am grateful for the sealing power that links us together, that I will get to be with him again someday.

So, in conclusion....it is "normal" to talk to our loved ones.  It is also "normal" to get a response back from them.

I came across

an interesting article today.  It really is all encompassing of how I feel, and also how I need to move forward.  Interesting.  In addition to the link, I'm going to post the LONG text too so I have it in a place that's accessible to me for my future reference.

Alone through Death

By Blaine R. Porter

Blaine R. Porter, “Alone through Death,” Ensign, Oct 1972, 75

Most people who lose their marriage companion through death discover that they are able to make adjustments and assume responsibilities that they had previously thought were impossible. They may also find that the routines of daily life are more easily managed than they had anticipated.

But until one has had this experience, he cannot fully realize the emptiness, the void, that is present when a choice companion is no longer there to share time, experiences, plans, disappointments, and decisions. Children can consume a good deal of one’s time, and friends can help, but no one can really take the place of a marriage companion.

Because death is generally such an unwelcome event, most of us do not make adequate preparation for it. However, those who can talk intelligently about what they would like to have done when they pass away not only demonstrate an element of maturity but also relieve the loved one who remains of many decisions during a time of emotional trauma.

The intensity of the bereavement crisis for the survivor is largely determined by the length of time the couple has been married, the quality of the relationship that they were able to achieve, the number and ages of children that may be still dependent upon the remaining parent, the age of the individual, and the financial, social, and emotional resources available. All of these factors significantly affect the magnitude of the adjustments to be made by the survivors.

If the death of a loved one comes suddenly or unexpectedly, the immediate reaction is usually one of disbelief: “It can’t be true; you must be mistaken,” or “Are you sure?” These common reactions are accompanied or immediately followed by a numbing effect, during which time the person does not fully comprehend the impact that this loss will have upon his life.

Even if certain plans and instructions have been left by the departed loved one, numerous decisions still must be made regarding funeral and burial arrangements. Sometimes it may be necessary to relocate geographically. Decisions about business, professional, or vocational responsibilities must be made; and the concern and help of many friends and relatives, although usually only for a brief period of time, must be acknowledged. All of this is compounded considerably if no plans or preparations have been made for such an occurrence.

Sometimes after a death serious feelings of guilt or remorse are felt, and these may linger on for months or even years. The remaining spouse may feel responsible in some way for the death of his companion. For example, one husband who was driving at the time of an automobile accident in which his wife was killed felt that if he had been more careful, it would not have happened, and that he was responsible not only for her death and the loss of his companion, but also for depriving the children of the presence of their mother.

Another woman, who was having a problem with one of her children at home, called her husband at work and asked him if he could come to assist. He was killed in an accident on the way home. She felt that if she had managed the problem herself and had not asked him to come, the accident would not have happened.

Some persons have mistakenly felt that the loss of their loved one was the result of their being taken by God as a punishment to the remaining spouse, who had not been living as righteously as he should.

Others who have lost loved ones may torment themselves by trying to find explanations for their loss. The answers they find are frequently related to their religious understanding, the depth of their convictions, their skill in rationalizing, and their need to have answers for all of life’s consequences. Friends and relatives usually feel free to provide answers and interpretations, but these don’t always provide encouragement to the mourner.

An individual who is experiencing feelings of guilt and continued remorse should seek help from a bishop and/or a professional person who can assist and provide guidance in working through the problems. While there may be justification sometimes for such feelings, the issue should be resolved so that one’s future is not mortgaged to the past.

The desire to help someone who has lost a companion is common, but knowing how best to extend that help is not so widely understood. We sometimes wonder whether we should avoid the subject. If it is brought up by ourselves or someone else, many of us are not sure how we should deal with it. In most instances the best rule to follow is to let the bereaved person determine whether or not he wishes to talk about the matter. If he does wish to talk about it, then you can probably extend the most help by being a good listener. Too often, instead of listening, the “helpful friend” feels a compulsion to share his experiences or those of someone else he has known, which doesn’t really help the bereaved person.

If the survivor can set the pace and can determine when and if the issue is to be discussed and for how long and in what context, then he probably will have the kind of experience he needs and is seeking. If he wants advice, counsel, or the benefit of your experience, let him ask for it. In such a case, respond briefly; and if he wants to know more, let him pursue it.

It may be that what he needs and wants most is time to be alone to reflect, to relive pleasant memories, to work through in his own mind various alternatives that are available to him, and to select the one that seems most appropriate and desirable. It may be difficult for him to do this when he has the responsibility of entertaining a friend or relative. It may merely complicate his task if others are there sharing their experiences and giving advice and counsel.

Without intending to, we may give the impression that if our help or advice is not accepted, we will be hurt or offended. In most instances it is best to extend an offer to help and then to give it when and if it is needed and wanted. At the time of death, friends and relatives are more available to share their attention, their time, and their sympathy; but generally they return quickly to their normal activities, and in two or three weeks the one who is experiencing bereavement is left alone. That is usually the time when he most needs and wants to talk to someone.

It is common for a person who has lost a loved one to reflect upon past times they have shared and to perhaps regret that there was not a more open show of affection or that thoughtful little things he would like to have done were postponed until it was too late.

Reflecting on the loss of a companion can provide a stimulus to help one carefully evaluate his life and sometimes reorder his priorities. Often we don’t appreciate things as much as we should until they are lost or until their existence is threatened.

Once a person goes through the process of evaluating his life and perhaps changing his priorities and establishing resolutions or making new commitments, he finds that it serves as a means of helping him improve the quality of his life. This is not a matter in which one makes up for deficiencies of the past or can do something for the loved one who is departed, but it does mean that he can make the remaining days and years of his life more meaningful and useful so that he is better prepared to meet his loved one when they are reunited for the rest of eternity.

A person’s faith is often tested in the experience of bereavement. Even a strong testimony is put to the test when one faces a crisis such as death, and it may not be as strong as had been supposed. Some people blame God or become bitter toward the Church because they cannot see any logical or justifiable reason for their loved one’s death. Others find that they have a greater resource to call upon to assist them in a time of crisis than they realized. Those who are close to the Lord and who call upon him find a deeper meaning than ever before in the beatitude that states, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” (Matt. 5:4.)

An outpouring of love from God, family, and friends may not only sustain one during a difficult period; it may also strengthen one’s testimony and deepen his understanding of the gospel. He may realize more fully that God does answer prayers and that he does assist us in facing the challenges and tasks that confront us.

The competence with which one deals with crises such as death depends primarily upon adaptability and flexibility. A crisis tests a person’s inner resources and those outside himself that will enable him to cope with his responsibilities and opportunities. He may discover a deeper understanding of the statement of the Lord to Joseph Smith, who, in a period of trial and suffering, was told, “… know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” (D&C 122:7.) And during the Prophet’s same period of confinement in Liberty Jail the Lord said, “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high. …” (D&C 121:7–8.)

Being separated by death does not carry the social stigma that sometimes accompanies divorce, but it presents many of the same challenges, and it requires some of the same adjustments. With the loss of a marriage partner, an adjustment must be made in a person’s pattern of reciprocal love and affection. There is an added responsibility of trying to fulfill the roles of both parents, and there is a need to find informal social groups for one who is now single.

While most married friends will continue to include the widowed person in social activities, it is not always easy for the single person to feel comfortable in such situations. More often it is necessary to make new friends within a different social circle. However, continuing one’s association with previously established married friends is much easier in the case of bereavement than in the case of divorce. Often in the latter instance, friends feel the need to choose sides when there has been serious conflict between those who have been divorced.

Few women who are widowed are financially independent, so major adjustments may include obtaining employment or returning to school in order to be trained for employment. Arrangements must be made for the care of any children at home while the mother is working. Thus, it is important for couples who are still together to make plans for the future so that if necessary, the woman can be relatively financially independent, at least until the children are grown. It would be wise for all married couples to seek competent financial counseling on these matters.

Another major responsibility of one who suddenly finds himself in the situation of being a single parent is to adjust to changing roles in the family. It is not easy and in some ways not possible for one person to be both a father and a mother. Most of the physical needs of children at home, at school, or at church can be met or arranged for by a single parent. However, trying to meet the emotional needs of children is a different matter and sometimes results in undesirable consequences for both child and parent.

Children who are in their late teens or older usually have established their own identity and are able to face the reality of the loss of a parent with considerable poise and maturity. Younger children, however, need a great deal of help in interpreting the event and in making the adjustment. While children are usually very resilient and deserve more credit than they are often given, it is important for them to have both male and female models with whom they can identify and relate. It would be beneficial for the children if a close friend, relative, home teacher, or youth group leader could serve occasionally in the role of a substitute parent.

A widowed parent must not seek to selfishly and unrealistically meet his own needs through a child or through his children. There are many examples of this folly: the widow who turns to her son and wrecks him with her emotional demands; the widower who expects the oldest daughter of the family to take over the role of being a mother for the other children. (To some extent this experience could be a growing one for a girl in her late teens, but it has the danger of being perpetuated to the exclusion of possible educational experiences away from home, of healthy relationships with persons her own age, and of her marrying at an appropriate time.)

The single parent should take frequent inventory of his needs and those of his children who are still at home and determine whether these needs are being met with a reasonable degree of success and without undue imposition on any family member. Some single parents mistakenly make sacrifices for what they believe will be in the best interests of their children.

In order for a person to remain emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy and to be very much alive and involved in the world, it is also necessary that some of his own needs be met. The parent who is always sacrificing for his children may become an unhappy, poorly adjusted person who is not able to function effectively.

Remarriage is a possibility for almost all single parents and is highly probable for many, but there are some differences between the widow and the widower. Remarriage for the widower is the respectable and even the expected thing. Twice as many widowers as widows remarry during the first five years after their spouse’s death, and this ratio maintains for the next nine or ten years. Whether this is due to a greater opportunity for men to contract a second marriage or to a fundamental difference between the sexes is difficult to determine. Certainly a higher proportion of widows to widowers is a determining factor in the smaller number of widows who remarry.

It also seems to be more acceptable and more common for a man to marry a woman substantially younger than he is or who has not previously been married than it is for a widow to marry someone younger or one who has not been previously married.

Another factor that may prevail is that a woman may be more willing to accept the emotional responsibilities of helping rear another woman’s children than her male counterpart would be in a similar situation.

A father with several young children who have lost their mother may feel that it is urgent to find a woman who can come into the home and be a mother to his children and help him with the responsibilities of rearing them. This sometimes puts pressure on a widower to move into marriage more quickly and less cautiously than he should. While the immediate needs of the children are important, he still should be choosing wisely not only a temporary mother for his children but a companion for himself.

It is taken for granted in many social groups that a young widow will remarry rather quickly. Many friends and relatives are quite anxious to assume the role of matchmaker, making frequent offers to arrange for introductions to eligible marriage partners. Conversely, some relatives may communicate to a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law that he or she would be disloyal to the family or would not be paying proper respect to the departed spouse by marrying again or by remarrying within a short period of time.

Some people find it difficult, if not impossible, to enter into another marriage relationship because they feel that they are being untrue to their departed companion. Each individual has the responsibility and should have the privilege of making the decision of whether or not he will marry, but it is certainly not a decision to be made hastily and without careful consideration.

It is not unusual to idolize the first mate. This is more true of women than of men. The idolized image of a dead mate, an image to which no living man could measure up, is an important deterrent to remarriage for many widows. Such idolization can create either a barrier for remarriage or serious problems in case of remarriage.

The single parent with children who considers remarriage must also cope with their feelings and attitudes. Usually, at first, children will not want their parents to remarry. As they grow older, however, and as the time extends from the loss of the other parent, they may be more amenable to the thought of their father or mother marrying again. Each parent who loses a companion should consider the possibility of remarriage, with the criteria being the best interest of all concerned.

Many widows and widowers will not have the opportunity to remarry. However, for them life can still be rich, full, and rewarding. Each day presents many opportunities for self-growth, for service to others, for increasing the Godlike qualities for which we are striving, for preparing ourselves to be reunited with our companion and returning to the presence of our Father in heaven.

One of the realities of losing a loved one through death is experiencing feelings of loneliness. Most people do not understand the phenomenon of loneliness; they usually try to escape from it rather than capitalize upon it. Loneliness is neither good nor bad, but is a point of intense and timeless awareness of the self, a beginning that initiates totally new sensitivities and awarenesses and that can result in bringing a person deeply in touch with his own existence and with others in a more fundamental sense than has ever occurred before.

Experiencing solitude gives one the opportunity to draw upon untouched capacities and resources. It can bring into awareness new dimensions of self, new beauty, new power for human compassion, and a reverence for the precious nature of each breathing moment.

In solitary moments, man experiences truth, beauty, nature, reverence, humanity. Loneliness enables one to return to a life with others with renewed hope and vitality, with fuller dedication, with a deeper desire to come to a healthy resolution of problems and issues involving others, and with the possibility and hope for a rich, true life with others. Our task, then, is to learn to care for our own loneliness and suffering and for the loneliness and suffering of others. By this means, one can gain strength and growth in new directions to enhance his dignity, maturity, beauty, and capacity for tenderness and love.

President Spencer W. Kimball has written, “Being human we would expel from our lives, sorrow, distress, physical pain, and mental anguish and assure ourselves of continual ease and comfort. But if we closed the doors upon such, we might be evicting our greatest friends and benefactors. Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering and self-mastery. …” (Improvement Era, “Tragedy or Destiny,” March 1966, p. 178.)

The Latter-day Saint understanding of eternal marriage is one of the most important sources of comfort for one who has lost a companion and who feels worthy of having the marriage continue for eternity. The death is looked upon as a temporary separation, and one can look forward to being reunited with his loved one. While death is almost always an unwelcomed event, it is much more tolerable when one has the assurance of being reunited with his loved ones.

Death separates some who have not been sealed for eternity. A surviving spouse, in such a case, has the opportunity of preparing for an eternal marriage with the departed one or with some other worthy individual.

We no doubt knew before we were born that we were coming into a world that would include joys and sorrows, pain and comfort, peace and hardship, health and sickness, success and disappointment. We knew also that someday we would die. If we accepted the privilege of coming to this world with these risks involved, it is our duty now to accept with faith consequences that are beyond our control and take hope in the reunion that will surely come.

Notes

Dr. Porter, high councilor in the Brigham Young University Fifth Stake, is dean of the BYU College of Family Living. Sister Porter passed away in 1963; they are the parents of four children, three of whom are now married.

A Better Solution

After a terrible evening and night with the kids (I'm not using curse words here, so that's putting it mildly to say the least), I think I've come up with a "better" solution that our lawmakers need to inact on the books.  I mean, moms know more about appropriate punishment for bad behavior, right?  Well, I've come up with the perfect solution, the perfect torture for the defendant--appropriate punishment.

Sleep deprivation.  No, not just a little sleep deprivation either--I mean not letting him sleep.  At all.  Until death--isn't that what happens if we don't get enough sleep, we just die?  Because our bodies need sleep?  There's definitely a reason that we were designed to sleep 1/3 of our lives--because it's a physical NEED, right?

Now, I've had 3 children.  I know all about new baby sleep deprivation--it's AWFUL.  Downright terrible.  Especially after giving birth and all the trauma that ensues on a woman's body.  But this whole new world of sleep deprivation that I've come across is in a realm all its own.  TOTALLY not like anything else.  My baby who, before the crash, was truly the BEST baby in terms of sleep.  Adam and I oohed and ahhed over his amazing sleep at night (not exactly during the day though) because who can complain about a baby that sleeps 7-8 hours in a row since about 2 1/2 weeks old?  NO ONE.  And we didn't.  Adam and I were amazed and figured we were being blessed since Spencer was (IS) terrible with sleeping.  I now tend to adopt the idea that I was being prepared for the TRULY terrible to come.

Starting the night of the crash, in the hospital, Carson stopped his lovely sleeping.  He started waking up several times a night and not going back to sleep unless eating.  Tired me gave in, and now I've created (NO.  Scratch that.  I didn't.  The idiot who caused this mess did.  Let me rephrase...HE created) a monster.  The problem with him waking up is that he and Spencer take turns waking each other up.  Spencer refuses to go to sleep at night, which in turn Justin doesn't go to sleep.  And then Spencer sometimes wakes up screaming and crying which wakes up Carson.  And THEN the nighttime routine.  Every night, when we used to call it "Daddy and Mommy Time" and it's now "Mommy Time"--Mommy Time is totally and completely non-existant.  I get NO time to myself.  Spencer sleeps in my bed when after (about 4 hours) of attempting to get him to sleep he runs into my bed.  It's a nightmare--literally and figuratively.  So none of us sleep.  If we get a bit of sleep it's laden with weird dreams and nightmares for all of us.  Mine consist of bizarre people showing up in my dreams, Justin's are all over the place, Spencer usually talks about scary robots in his dreams.

SO.  Instead of giving offenders "life in prison" (or in the case of the perpetrator, his token 20-30 years which maybe will be only 1-2 in jail)--I firmly believe instead they should not be permitted to sleep.  NOT.  NO. SLEEP.  It's only "fair"--I mean, I don't get to sleep and my kids don't sleep so why should he get methadone, vicodin, and then likely a nice happy ambien to rest his cares from the world.  For sure.  We don't get magic medicine.  No magic wand.  Nothing.

Can you tell I'm angry?  Oh yeah, and SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!  It's NOT FAIR.  Not fair that that lowlife scum is still living and can't possibly burn here in this life for what he's done--he should at least get THAT on top of eternal punishment.  Our justice system can't possibly punish him for what he's done--there is no recompense for all.  Yeah yeah, "He'll get his in the next life" is what I've been told a thousand times over.  Yet that doesn't make me feel better RIGHT NOW.  It doesn't.  I'm tired.  And really angry that I'm so tired.  I should be looking forward to my 11th wedding anniversary next month with my husband.  Instead.  I'm not.

He just needs to suffer 3 1/2 months of sleep deprivation.  Plus we'll add on the other 8 years of sleep deprivation for good behavior.  He could choose death instead, I'm sure he'd rather go for that than experience sleep deprivation.

I would love to be doped up and in his position, really.  I've thought a million times how much better it would've been for all of us really if he'd died in the crash.  I wouldn't have someone to direct my anger towards because he'd be dead and Heavenly Father would then just get to deal with him.  But he didn't.  It's unfortunate for my sanity.

I'm tired.

Today's Random Thoughts

Sort of random anyway.

SO Greatful for Ame taking up our gingerbread house (we finished it last night) to the Trail Center today.  It turned out as it needed to, complete with a picture of Adam in the house.  The boys (mostly Justin) put a lot of thought into it (along with me of course).  I think my favorite comment was from Spencer as he stared at the loot of candy that was on our kitchen table in preparation to making our house:  "WHOA.  This is ALL of Daddy's favorite candies Mom!!!"

Greatful and Thankful for my work friend Stacy who brought over TEN prepared freezer meals that she and her friends from her church made.  I've ALWAYS wanted to do one of those swaps, maybe someday I'll be able to swap with those girls.  Ohh, I'm so excited to have those, they'll be SO handy.  Such sweet, generous, thoughtful ladies.  And Stacy's kids were so cute, I'm so glad they could come over today.

Spencer has been bugging me all day today, asking to "go to preschool" and to "go swimming."  Maybe I'll have to chat with my preschool mom friends, the doc said Spencer NEEDS time away from me in preschool.  She's right (as much as it breaks my heart, a bit).

Carson pulled himself up to a standing position for the first time yesterday.  I wish I could stunt his growth.  It's just not fair that I don't get to hear Adam oooh and ahhh over all the changes this baby makes.

Darn Taylor Swift and Boys Like Girls.  Their song "Two is Better Than One"  makes me upset and makes me cry.  EVERYTIME  I hear it.  I heard it in the airport when we were leaving Fresno after burying Adam.  My mom was sitting with me.  I told her "This song was on Jon and Alyson's wedding movie."  She then started to listen to the words.  I started an ugly cry to which I got up and walked across the airport so no one could hear my blubbering.  Why is it that sometimes seemingly cheesy music just gets to me.  And then also today I was hearing the Dixie Chicks song "Not Ready to Make Nice" and I thought to myself that THAT'S an understatement.  I don't know/understand/can't comprehend how someone forgives someone from being so wronged before.  And I've been wronged with some pretty big things in the past.  But THIS is on a TOTALLY different level.

And before I possibly get comments about forgiveness...Here are my thoughts.  I LOVE that forgiveness is something that is personal for ME and the LORD.  And ONLY us.  ONLY.  I love that I can ignore all the idiotic mail that I get from strangers that tell me to forgive and to "heal my angry heart."  How stupid people are sometimes.  And that's one of those things that after MUCH time hopefully will come.  But for now I get to be angry and NOT forgive ANYONE--I'm allowed.  JMD or his client--neither one get that from me right now.  It's interesting.  I need to break out "Miracle of Forgiveness" again to read I'm sure.  But not yet.  And that's my business.  I love THAT.

Tired of stupid dreams.  Or just creepy ones.  But mostly just tired.  Need sleep.  Tired of insomniac kids that force insomniac behavior out of me.  Tired of sharing my bed with 2 of 3 kids.  But I haven't been peed on this week, thankfully.  Ugh.  Tired of hearing of Spencer's dreams of monsters.  He's talked about them every morning for several days in a row.  They (the monsters) need to go.  Big time.

Spencer just ran down the stairs with a memory.  "Dad took me to fossils.  To look at teeth.  After we went camping."  He's telling me about the dinosaurs using toothbrushes.  And he was making such sense there for a minute.  It pains me how fuzzy memories are getting already for him.  I NEED people to write down more of their memories/interactions of Adam and send them to me before their (or YOUR) memories fade.  Fading happens quicker than we realize!!!

Gingerbread Season

A tradition we have in our family is our yearly visit to the Mormon Trail Center during the gingerbread festival--during the holiday season.  We've made gingerbread houses sporadically during our years here for this display.  But given the title of this year's display, we decided it would be fitting (and therapeutic) to make one in honor of Daddy this year.  We're busily working on ideas for how to design it, adding many of Adam's favorite things (and particularly his favorite candies).

For my Nebraska/Iowa friends, here is info on the annual event:

Mormon Trail Center Gingerbread Houses Display

25th Annual Gingerbread Festival: "A Season of Memories"
Mormon Trail Center - 3215 State Street
Free admission. (Closed Thanksgiving and Christmas and after 4pm on Christmas Eve.) open 9:00 A.M. to 9:00 P.M.

A display of over 100 gingerbread houses and other gingerbread creations.

Starting on November 20th, 2010 and running through January 1st, 2011, the Mormon Trail Center will house the annual Gingerbread House Display. The 2010 theme is "A Season of Memories." Another Gingerbread display will be taking place at the Kanesville Tabernacle in Council Bluffs, Iowa during the same period.

Whew, What a Week!

This has been the best week I've had in over 3 months.  By far.  It's amazing how a little distraction and fun can lighten up moods.  It HAS been a very busy week though, so in a quick summary....2 psychologist appointments, 1 Relief Society Meeting, 1 outpatient surgery for Justin, 1 trip to the zoo, 1 visit to Ted E. Bear Hollow, 2 days of Stake Conference, another couple appointments, 3 kids and 1 mom with a cold (including Carson's first cold and first fever, ugh!), 1 visit to the Mormon Trail Center and Pioneer Cemetery, 1 visit to walk across the pedestrian bridge, and last but definitely not least, 1 visit from a good "old" friend.

Friends are an interesting part of our lives.  While family sticks with you (generally, and hopefully they do for most people) through the thick and thin in life, it's nice to have supportive friends--and there's nothing that compares to having a good old friend around.  I think maybe there's something about connecting with friends on a different level than family.  Our families know us on one level and our friends on a different level.  Both important, but both different--but BOTH very very important.

I've been so glad to have an old friend stay with us this week as we've tackled a lot of life's tasks--it's nice to have an adult around with whom to have a conversation!  It's also nice to have a friend around during all the day to day tasks--getting kids showered, clothed, fed, and homework completed.  It's funny how it really is those simple things that make a difference in my sanity!

It felt so good to LAUGH.  Yes, a few tears shed too during her visit.  But this week I've just needed some good laughter.  Ahh.  We broke out some of my old high school boxes and yearbooks.  We found Kevin Federline in my school yearbook and laughed.  We found my old journals and letters others had written to me--and laughed.  A lot.  Particularly about the writers of letters.  She was with me when I got another reporter's business card left on my front door, when I was given phone calls to be notified that the defendant had been out of custody to go to court, and then the phone call when he was put back in custody.  She drove with me on the road where the crash happened.  She helped fold my laundry and wash dishes.  She got to see a glimpse of Omaha and the people that I love here.  It just felt good.  She was here for our first snow of the year; she was here to witness the service of others' to our family--services of snow shoveling, bringing a plant, phone calls, cards in the mail, and of bringing pumpkin bars.  I'm glad she could see that so many are so kind and keep watch over us here.   She was here to really see what my world is all about now, while others can only imagine what it must be like in this seemingly mythical life.  She was here for the 3 month mark of Adam's death.

I'm grateful for this friend.  I love her and admire her.  It's interesting to have known someone since they were a 1 1/2 years old.   A lot happens in 30 years!  I'm grateful to have had her visit.  It gave me a renewed sense that I can go on, that amidst the crazy that somehow I'll survive this.  Because I--we--will.  Maybe a bit defiantly, but we will.

I have a new insight on a scripture.

Proverbs 3: 5-6
5) Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6) In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

He shall.

Gratitude

This will be short and sweet (as much as possible anyway!).  I'm a fairly long-winded person (yes, I know it!) sometimes, but I'm grateful for that quality in my writing.  Yep I am.  I just spent some time browsing my 'old' blog and reading about experiences with Adam, those I'd forgotten about with the boys.  I guess that's why our church leaders always talk about the importance of keeping a journal, sometimes a journal is all we have of memories of our loved ones.  I'm also so grateful I have Adam's mission journal and notes.  My little boys and I will cherish our memories of my sweetheart and their daddy forever.

Harrison

I always liked the name Harrison....Maybe just because I've always liked Harrison Ford.  I remember discussing with Adam if we could name Carson "Harrison."  But it was vetoed by both of us, probably mostly because I'm not a fan of the name "Harry"--and neither was Adam.

Interesting that Harrison and Harry Andersen are intersecting streets right by our house.

I was trying to get Justin off to school this morning.  We were relatively "on time" in leaving the house.  But we got to Harrison and there was a sheriff's patrol car blocking off Harrison so I couldn't turn right--which is really the only easy, quick way to go to Justin's school.  So we had to go down and around and way out of the way to get him to school.  And he was late.  This was a traumatic morning.  It was very deja-vu-ish.

At 8:15 as I was hurrying the boys through breakfast, I heard ambulance and fire engine sirens.  I ignored them; Justin was talking at the time and I was hoping that he was ignoring them too.  Spencer, however, was NOT.  He said, "Mom, what's that noise?"  I told him, "sirens," and we went about our breakfast.  Two minutes later, Justin said "What's THAT noise?"  and we looked out the window to see the life flight hellicopter fly over our house.  Ugh.  Such an icky feeling in my stomach.  I told the boys that someone was probably hurt.

THEN.  We are trying to get to school, only to find that an accident DID happen close to our house...on Harrison.

Ugh.  Poor Justin.  As we drove the long way to school, we prayed for whoever was in this wreck.  And we talked about being prepared.  Spencer had thrown a fit and so his shoes didn't get put on this morning.  I hadn't grabbed a pacifier and a burp cloth for Carson.  I was wearing short sleeves and it was 28ish degrees.  All things that would not serve us well if we needed to "be prepared" and not be in the car.  "Our" crash will always have an impact on daily things we think about and do I'm afraid.  But it teaches us I suppose.  Hopefully others will learn too.

And KM3 aired the "story" last night on their nightly news. While there were a couple things not perfectly accurate (I said 2 instead of 3 rods in Spencer's legs, etc) I thought that the story was nicely done, it shows small parts of my reality--our new life.

Here is a link to their site.

Haircuts and other Tales

--(I want to end on happy things today instead of the negative, so negatives come first).  Not sure what to do about my old blog.  I have a few posts that I was working on before the crash happened, ones that were almost ready to post about the remaining parts of our fun summer CA trip.  Torn as to what to do, even though I want to finish it so I can make my blog books with them.  Maybe I'll just finish them, print the books and be done with it?  I dunno.

++  Got the boys haircuts yesterday, I hadn't gotten Spencer a cut since I cut his, Justin's, and Adam's just days before the crash.  Spencer really needed it, he was pretty shaggy.  + The haircuts were free (+ tip) because we won gift certificates  in the school raffle.  Justin was annoyed that we won something "un-fun"  but I was very happy!:)  A friend brought us over some homemade wheat bread and honey.  YUM.  I think I may eat the whole thing by myself.  And the night before last, Spencer slept in his bed the whole night (after staying up until 11:30 or so).  I was hoping we'd made a breakthrough, but he was back to his old antics again last night (but we're focusing on the positives in this part of the post).  We had MAJOR celebration last night and had ice cream for him staying in his bed.  OOh, and I discovered Fairway yesterday.  Finally.  A fun little (cheap) grocery store, I've always heard they are known for good meat.  But I was more impressed that the checkers walk you out old-school like to your car (we only bought ice cream).  Yay for Fairway.  I might drive the trek over there just for the escort to the car during the winter.  Signed us up for some of Ted E. Bear Hollow's activities, which I'm VERY excited about--everyone tells me that this is such an awesome program, I think it'll be good for the kids, and for all of us really.

Just had a fun memory.  It was about this time last year that Adam and the boys and I were in DC, running around the place.  We had such a good trip and sure had fun with April and Cord.  I'm looking forward to April's visit here next week and a chance to show her around this place we call home now.  It's nice to have fun things to look forward to amidst the crazy.