Ah, how I've missed you Blue Sushi. While tonight we went to a different location of Blue, it's still the same as the "other one" Adam and I used to go to during happy hour on our date nights (1/2 price sushi, awesome!). Mmm. Crunchy L.A. how I've missed you...and now I love mango crab rangoons too. Glad my friends introduced me to them. Yummy. I love that there are so many good places to eat at in Omaha, but mostly glad that I had the chance to enjoy many of the "favorites" with Adam while we had the chance. He loved food. And Omaha knows food.
But more importantly, I've missed these friends. Friends are funny things, you know? I've realized the important of good people in my life, those who I haven't talked to in a while that have always been important people in my life. Sometimes other things have kept me busy from keeping in contact with all of them, but they've stayed important nonetheless. It's a frustrating thing to lose contact (or just not as much contact anyway) and yet, it's so refreshing to feel like old times again, to kick back and relax. My kids enjoyed going over to my friends' parents' house A TON yesterday and today. It was how I remember my childhood when visiting Grandma & Grandpa Malan's house--lots of little kids running around making noise and having a great time with kids their age. I'm so glad the boys had the chance to do that. It was very sweet of their dear family.
Off to do laundry now and enjoy my fuzzy white Oscar de la Renta robe that Adam bought me some years ago. I remember how sad I was when he didn't buy it at Sam's Club that year, I think I had not-so-well hinted at it for Christmas. So he found it online and bought it for me. It was one of his better online purchases, I must say. I still laugh when I think about him buying stuff off ebay in the early days of ebay. Stinky smokey-smelling new slippers he bought me one time...not so great. But like lots of things in life, it was a trial and error of how to online purchase. Oh, memories.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Klepto and Cold
Carson has a cold. Again. Awesome. And sorry to my friends who have been/will babysit him. I find it interesting that his favorite thing to babble is "Dadadada." I've taken to following up that jabber with, "Dadadada loves you you you." Hopefully he'll know that as he grows.
Spencer. Oh Spencer. I keep finding things in his pockets. I like to think of him like a good character from a Mark Twain novel, and if I close my eyes I picture him skipping along outside in overalls, holding frogs and running around bare footed. Twice this week I have found him holding my wedding ring--and trying to quickly hide it when I found out. And yes, I freaked out. A few minutes ago I found him hiding Adam's "leatherman" all purpose tool thing (it has a knife in it). And he's been finding pencils (that I have hidden!) and putting them in his pockets. UGH! Spencer is all boy and keeps me on my toes. He just informed me that he hasn't had lunch. I asked what he'd like to eat and he replied, "Apples, string cheese, cookies, pears, and beans." BEANS??? Whatever. And then as an afterthought he said, "prentzels (pretzels)." He's a funny kid. But the "terrible 3s" definitely apply to this child. He is his own little person. We just think lots of happy thoughts concerning Spencer....
Justin and I visited the cardiologist office today to get his heart checked out. He had an echocardiogram because when he had some surgery last month, the anesthesiologist noted a murmur. I half didn't believe her, and she could tell I was shocked and handed me her stethoscope. I listened and sure enough I could hear it. I watched the echo today, but the tech stayed tight-lipped (like she was supposed to) so we'll see what it means in a couple days. I did notice something seemingly odd with one of his valves (which I 'think' is the issue).....but I really don't know enough about cardio to make any intelligent judgement. Praying that it was "nothing" and that he'll be just fine. He needs to be.
So thankful for the sweet santas who have been so kind to our family this season. We are grateful for so many kind thoughts, gestures, and prayers in behalf of our family. Holidays certainly aren't easy, particularly when we've made so many family traditions--traditions are tough to change when one of the partcipants is missing. I guess it's good that we don't have a million of them or I'd really be having a rough time. It's tough though. And there are millions out there just like me. My advice: do something nice for those who've lost a loved one years ago....I imagine that things get easier eventually, but for those many years later when other people have "forgotten" and moved on with their lives, I imagine THAT must be really tough. I don't want to think about what that will be like.
Spencer. Oh Spencer. I keep finding things in his pockets. I like to think of him like a good character from a Mark Twain novel, and if I close my eyes I picture him skipping along outside in overalls, holding frogs and running around bare footed. Twice this week I have found him holding my wedding ring--and trying to quickly hide it when I found out. And yes, I freaked out. A few minutes ago I found him hiding Adam's "leatherman" all purpose tool thing (it has a knife in it). And he's been finding pencils (that I have hidden!) and putting them in his pockets. UGH! Spencer is all boy and keeps me on my toes. He just informed me that he hasn't had lunch. I asked what he'd like to eat and he replied, "Apples, string cheese, cookies, pears, and beans." BEANS??? Whatever. And then as an afterthought he said, "prentzels (pretzels)." He's a funny kid. But the "terrible 3s" definitely apply to this child. He is his own little person. We just think lots of happy thoughts concerning Spencer....
Justin and I visited the cardiologist office today to get his heart checked out. He had an echocardiogram because when he had some surgery last month, the anesthesiologist noted a murmur. I half didn't believe her, and she could tell I was shocked and handed me her stethoscope. I listened and sure enough I could hear it. I watched the echo today, but the tech stayed tight-lipped (like she was supposed to) so we'll see what it means in a couple days. I did notice something seemingly odd with one of his valves (which I 'think' is the issue).....but I really don't know enough about cardio to make any intelligent judgement. Praying that it was "nothing" and that he'll be just fine. He needs to be.
So thankful for the sweet santas who have been so kind to our family this season. We are grateful for so many kind thoughts, gestures, and prayers in behalf of our family. Holidays certainly aren't easy, particularly when we've made so many family traditions--traditions are tough to change when one of the partcipants is missing. I guess it's good that we don't have a million of them or I'd really be having a rough time. It's tough though. And there are millions out there just like me. My advice: do something nice for those who've lost a loved one years ago....I imagine that things get easier eventually, but for those many years later when other people have "forgotten" and moved on with their lives, I imagine THAT must be really tough. I don't want to think about what that will be like.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Endure it Well
I came upon this wonderful talk by Neal A. Maxwell weeks ago. I keep forgetting to link it. So here it is, it's a great one. Here is an excerpt:
"Patient endurance is to be distinguished from merely being “acted upon.” Endurance is more than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance; it is not only acceptance of the things allotted to us, it is to “act for ourselves” by magnifying what is allotted to us. (See Alma 29:3, 6.)
If, for instance, we are always taking our temperature to see if we are happy, we will not be. If we are constantly comparing to see if things are fair, we are not only being unrealistic, we are being unfair to ourselves.
Therefore, true enduring represents not merely the passage of time, but the passage of the soul—and not merely from A to B, but sometimes all the way from A to Z. To endure in faith and doeth God’s will. (See D&C 63:20; D&C 101:35) therefore involves much more than putting up with a circumstance.
Rather than shoulder-shrugging, true enduring is soul-trembling. Jesus bled not at a few, but “at every pore.”
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Test Failed.
Sort of anyway. Our power went out today at 3pm. No big deal, right? Well, we're in the middle of a blizzard and it is FREEZ. ING. COLD. Again, we're indoors so how much could it matter, right? Right. Well, I discovered when our family room went down two degrees in one hour that it might be a bad thing if it continued going down and we continued having negative degree windchills, IF our power stayed out for any length of time. Hmm. I started to think. What would Adam do?
Nothing. He'd do nothing really.
Today marks 4 months. What exactly WOULD WE have been doing today had he been here? The same things we did, really. As my calendar in my kitchen says, this weekend he would've been moonlighting at Fremont--all weekend. He would've been GONE for this whole blizzardly power outage anyway!!! Pulling in a very nice check (I'm remembering now...). 48 hours of work equalled more than 1/2 a month's salary. It was a good gig. Anyway. So, I thought to myself, "Self. What would we have done had Adam been up at Fremont and the power went out?" I would've texted my friends and told them. And that's what I did. I told our home teacher. Nothing really all that different. I wouldn't have jumped in the car and driven up to Fremont in this weather and Adam couldn't have done anything to help this situation really! I would've done just what we did.
So it was only 3 1/2 hours that the power was out. We've had (I think) power out a total of like 3 times since we've lived in this house--it just doesn't ever go out like it did all the time for no good reason in CA. So on to what I learned today about preparedness...
1. It was nice to have bread and peanut butter and bananas available and ready to eat for dinner--for a no-cook dinner. No need to open the fridge (which was great, I think I was able to save everything in there since we didn't open the fridge and freezer).
2. Candles and flashlights with new batteries were perfectly ready to go. I had my parents get a lot of this stuff handy for me, it was on their to-do lists when they've been here to help.
3. When a baby poops head to toe (literally) during a blackout, it's impossible to give said baby a bath without an extra hand--that is, when bathing a baby in total pitch-black darkness. Thank heavens for Justin who held a flashlight. Sheesh. Good timing Carson. You poop in a blackout, you poop at the worst possible times at church, you poop RIGHT when I got up to say a few words at your daddy's burial. What is WITH you child and your poop? Let's agree to stop this really bad timing stuff, ok?
4. My new phone has to be charged about every 12 hours. So while it's great to be able to notify the power company that my power was out, it was cutting it close to text/call people who were going to turn into my needed rescuers if we needed somewhere else to sleep for the night.
In conclusion, I learned one important word: GENERATOR. I think that having a generator and water storage would basically complete my "preparedness" for such similar situations. I mean, really electricity and water are quite important--VERY. I know how to store water, I guess I should get on that a bit better than the several gallons (plus my water heater) that we have stored in our basement. Oh yeah, and of course fuel (gas) for a generator would be helpful. Hmm. Interesting concepts for my next learning phase of preparedness. I'll keep stocking up on the peanut butter...always a crowd favorite over here. And we'll keep those flashlights handy. You just never know when you'll be giving a baby a required bath in the dark. Pleasant.
Nothing. He'd do nothing really.
Today marks 4 months. What exactly WOULD WE have been doing today had he been here? The same things we did, really. As my calendar in my kitchen says, this weekend he would've been moonlighting at Fremont--all weekend. He would've been GONE for this whole blizzardly power outage anyway!!! Pulling in a very nice check (I'm remembering now...). 48 hours of work equalled more than 1/2 a month's salary. It was a good gig. Anyway. So, I thought to myself, "Self. What would we have done had Adam been up at Fremont and the power went out?" I would've texted my friends and told them. And that's what I did. I told our home teacher. Nothing really all that different. I wouldn't have jumped in the car and driven up to Fremont in this weather and Adam couldn't have done anything to help this situation really! I would've done just what we did.
So it was only 3 1/2 hours that the power was out. We've had (I think) power out a total of like 3 times since we've lived in this house--it just doesn't ever go out like it did all the time for no good reason in CA. So on to what I learned today about preparedness...
1. It was nice to have bread and peanut butter and bananas available and ready to eat for dinner--for a no-cook dinner. No need to open the fridge (which was great, I think I was able to save everything in there since we didn't open the fridge and freezer).
2. Candles and flashlights with new batteries were perfectly ready to go. I had my parents get a lot of this stuff handy for me, it was on their to-do lists when they've been here to help.
3. When a baby poops head to toe (literally) during a blackout, it's impossible to give said baby a bath without an extra hand--that is, when bathing a baby in total pitch-black darkness. Thank heavens for Justin who held a flashlight. Sheesh. Good timing Carson. You poop in a blackout, you poop at the worst possible times at church, you poop RIGHT when I got up to say a few words at your daddy's burial. What is WITH you child and your poop? Let's agree to stop this really bad timing stuff, ok?
4. My new phone has to be charged about every 12 hours. So while it's great to be able to notify the power company that my power was out, it was cutting it close to text/call people who were going to turn into my needed rescuers if we needed somewhere else to sleep for the night.
In conclusion, I learned one important word: GENERATOR. I think that having a generator and water storage would basically complete my "preparedness" for such similar situations. I mean, really electricity and water are quite important--VERY. I know how to store water, I guess I should get on that a bit better than the several gallons (plus my water heater) that we have stored in our basement. Oh yeah, and of course fuel (gas) for a generator would be helpful. Hmm. Interesting concepts for my next learning phase of preparedness. I'll keep stocking up on the peanut butter...always a crowd favorite over here. And we'll keep those flashlights handy. You just never know when you'll be giving a baby a required bath in the dark. Pleasant.
Friday, December 10, 2010
It's Official
Since Justin was 1 1/2 we've had him involved with the special education program through his school district. Adam and I noticed early on that things weren't quite "right" with him--he was delayed in speech, had difficulty with certain fine and gross motor skills, didn't exactly interact with other kids in the same manner that other kids did...and the list goes on and on. He's been diagnosed through the school system as different things since he was 18 months--speech delayed, developmentally delayed, and having an autism spectrum disorder. We have dealt with all of his issues through the years and been able to figure out how to deal with them to some extent, or at least have figured out which battles are worth fighting over. After waiting over 6 months on a waiting list to get him evaluated by an autism specialist, we finally got him seen this week. And they finally medically diagnosed him with what we already knew, what is on the books as a school diagnosis: Asperger's Syndrome. Some people call this "high functioning autism." There are great variances in this syndrome in terms of how noticeable or how severe one presents with this syndrome. Thankfully over time, Justin has coped fairly well (and so have we). He is finally understanding that it's important to have friends, to be a friend and that sort of thing. But it's interesting that once one problem seems to subside, another pops up in its place. That's tough. But I'll figure it out. It's just frustrating not to be able to say "we'll" figure it out...referring to Adam. I can only imagine the journey that I'm about to take by myself.
Last night I chatted for a few minutes with someone who I'll refer to as Grandma P. I've called her "Grandma" for a long time, mainly because her daughter-in-law used to live in our ward (she had the same last name) and it was a way to differentiate which "P" I was referring to. Anyway, early on after Adam's death she told me that she had lost her husband when she was young. I took that information and set it aside in my head, knowing that someday we'd be able to talk about it. We had a brief talk and I learned a lot about this woman--she changed the way I think of "those little old ladies at church" and how we just never know what shoes someone else has been walking in.
Grandma P told me that her husband died when she was 34. She had two children, her daughter turned 9 two days after she buried her husband. Wow. I was fairly shocked, particularly at the parallels. Grandma P is in her late 80s. She's a funny bird. I've always liked her and for whatever reason she always liked us, my boys, and particularly Adam. I asked her if she had to go right to work after her husband died and she said yes. I asked if she ever remarried and she said no. She mentioned a fact that I've already learned: "People will try to tell you that they've walked in your shoes or they know how you feel, but they don't. I don't. I may have had a very similar experience, but even I don't know how you feel." How right she is. And I couldn't help but feel as though I were looking in a mirror, peering on what may be my life over the next (more than) 50 years. I mean HOLY COW. ANOTHER 50+ YEARS!!!!??????!!!!!! I'm very much shouting in my head!!!!! I've thought recently about the long road ahead, but seeing her makes it VERY VERY VERY REAL. I don't want to be alone for another 50 years. But I HATE HATE HATE the thought of dating again, but even more than that, I HATE HATE HATE the thought of trying to make sure my little boys are taken care of just as Adam would want--with someone Adam would approve of. I know he doesn't want us alone. It makes me laugh that he approved of 3 people for me to remarry in our death discussion the day or two before the accident. One of whom was George Clooney. Haha. Yeah. I told him he could have Faith Hill and Halle Berry and we laughed. Oh Adam, how I miss our Friday nights.....It'll be a long time before I can sort all this out, oh how I just hate it all. I wish there were some bright light in all of this. But there isn't.
Well, I can't completely say that. My days are still brightened by the simple kindness of others. I'm still amazed that we haven't been forgotten, even after 4 months have gone by. We received a sweet (and tasty) package of some things by a kind secret someone today. I'm still so very humbled that others are so willing to give of themselves. Because I know how exhausting service can be, truly. So I'm very grateful. Grateful for Shannon today to come play with the little boys so I could go pick out some books for the boys for Christmas. Grateful for Kasie and Heather and Jeralyn yesterday for making it so I could go down to Lincoln to meet the governor, various MADD directors/people, the Douglas County prosecutor, and the Sarpy County Lt. who dispatched his sheriff to the scene of the crash and was also there. He offered such kind things to our family. I feel very blessed to live in this great city with such kind people.
I just wish Adam were with us. We miss him. I miss his warm snuggles. Especially on another (soon to be) snowy night. Ahh. I guess I'll just have to heat up a rice bag and put it on my bed to warm my toes. Adam would be better, but the rice bag will have to do.
Last night I chatted for a few minutes with someone who I'll refer to as Grandma P. I've called her "Grandma" for a long time, mainly because her daughter-in-law used to live in our ward (she had the same last name) and it was a way to differentiate which "P" I was referring to. Anyway, early on after Adam's death she told me that she had lost her husband when she was young. I took that information and set it aside in my head, knowing that someday we'd be able to talk about it. We had a brief talk and I learned a lot about this woman--she changed the way I think of "those little old ladies at church" and how we just never know what shoes someone else has been walking in.
Grandma P told me that her husband died when she was 34. She had two children, her daughter turned 9 two days after she buried her husband. Wow. I was fairly shocked, particularly at the parallels. Grandma P is in her late 80s. She's a funny bird. I've always liked her and for whatever reason she always liked us, my boys, and particularly Adam. I asked her if she had to go right to work after her husband died and she said yes. I asked if she ever remarried and she said no. She mentioned a fact that I've already learned: "People will try to tell you that they've walked in your shoes or they know how you feel, but they don't. I don't. I may have had a very similar experience, but even I don't know how you feel." How right she is. And I couldn't help but feel as though I were looking in a mirror, peering on what may be my life over the next (more than) 50 years. I mean HOLY COW. ANOTHER 50+ YEARS!!!!??????!!!!!! I'm very much shouting in my head!!!!! I've thought recently about the long road ahead, but seeing her makes it VERY VERY VERY REAL. I don't want to be alone for another 50 years. But I HATE HATE HATE the thought of dating again, but even more than that, I HATE HATE HATE the thought of trying to make sure my little boys are taken care of just as Adam would want--with someone Adam would approve of. I know he doesn't want us alone. It makes me laugh that he approved of 3 people for me to remarry in our death discussion the day or two before the accident. One of whom was George Clooney. Haha. Yeah. I told him he could have Faith Hill and Halle Berry and we laughed. Oh Adam, how I miss our Friday nights.....It'll be a long time before I can sort all this out, oh how I just hate it all. I wish there were some bright light in all of this. But there isn't.
Well, I can't completely say that. My days are still brightened by the simple kindness of others. I'm still amazed that we haven't been forgotten, even after 4 months have gone by. We received a sweet (and tasty) package of some things by a kind secret someone today. I'm still so very humbled that others are so willing to give of themselves. Because I know how exhausting service can be, truly. So I'm very grateful. Grateful for Shannon today to come play with the little boys so I could go pick out some books for the boys for Christmas. Grateful for Kasie and Heather and Jeralyn yesterday for making it so I could go down to Lincoln to meet the governor, various MADD directors/people, the Douglas County prosecutor, and the Sarpy County Lt. who dispatched his sheriff to the scene of the crash and was also there. He offered such kind things to our family. I feel very blessed to live in this great city with such kind people.
I just wish Adam were with us. We miss him. I miss his warm snuggles. Especially on another (soon to be) snowy night. Ahh. I guess I'll just have to heat up a rice bag and put it on my bed to warm my toes. Adam would be better, but the rice bag will have to do.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Gratitude
I was brought up in a house where we wrote thank you notes. I've always had a love/hate relationship with them because sometimes they're so tough to write--whether just mentally taxing or just the pure laziness factor. When I was younger I think it was more the laziness factor and not understanding why people need to feel our gratitude. I'm now glad my mom made us write thank yous--I make my boys too. As I've gotten "older and wiser" I understand why they are so important. Sometimes they are the only way to communicate our gratitude to others. I've been told by some people that if people only give things or perform service to others to receive a thank you note then they aren't performing service with the right frame of mind. Hmm. Maybe. I don't know what to think. I kind of think that is what people tell me to try to make me feel like I'm "off the hook" for doing thank yous. And maybe for some people I am off the hook. Some people get offended when I do send thank yous, which of course I find kind of amusing. Can't please everyone! It's impossible.
All I know is that a thank you note doesn't even BEGIN to express the gratitude in my heart. And after my writing hundreds of hand-written thank yous, my list is still a mile long--and those are the people I "know" about. I'm finding that even after writing my thank you notes I'm feeling like I can't quite possibly express how TRULY thankful, grateful I am for the kindness of others--notes feel SO TRITE, so incomplete. The generosity. The amazingly kind hearts who have surrounded our family. IT IS OVERWHELMINGLY KIND. I have tried to think of a way of communicating my thanks. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. And that's a bit frustrating, because of course I'd like to thank everyone for EVERY. THING. I'm now really realizing (and I did early on too) how it really is impossible. There are too many, SO many kind Good Samaritans that have done so much.
The only thing that I can do for now (and we do daily) is pray for the Lord to bless those who have done so much for us, for them to feel of our gratitude. I hope and pray that they do, for we are indebted to so many. So for now, all I can do is sigh. Many times a day. Shake my head while I think about the kind things that I learn about people doing for us. And then I say a silent (and sometimes not silent) prayer of gratitude. How grateful I am for my brothers and sisters on this earth that love us, even though we are sometimes strangers to them, and they have hearts like the Savior. To love unconditionally, to serve unconditionally, just as He taught. It renews my faith in humanity. It teaches me that even though bad things happen, evil does exist, still in the end righteousness prevails. And it always will. Christ reigns and those who follow Him will be blessed for their efforts.
I never thought I would feel humbled in this way--it's something I wasn't prepared to feel. It is such an odd feeling. It's very foreign. I wish I could put into words the way my heart feels. It is just love. Overwhelming love. Love for all people. Love to you. Thank you. Thank you for loving us.
All I know is that a thank you note doesn't even BEGIN to express the gratitude in my heart. And after my writing hundreds of hand-written thank yous, my list is still a mile long--and those are the people I "know" about. I'm finding that even after writing my thank you notes I'm feeling like I can't quite possibly express how TRULY thankful, grateful I am for the kindness of others--notes feel SO TRITE, so incomplete. The generosity. The amazingly kind hearts who have surrounded our family. IT IS OVERWHELMINGLY KIND. I have tried to think of a way of communicating my thanks. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. And that's a bit frustrating, because of course I'd like to thank everyone for EVERY. THING. I'm now really realizing (and I did early on too) how it really is impossible. There are too many, SO many kind Good Samaritans that have done so much.
The only thing that I can do for now (and we do daily) is pray for the Lord to bless those who have done so much for us, for them to feel of our gratitude. I hope and pray that they do, for we are indebted to so many. So for now, all I can do is sigh. Many times a day. Shake my head while I think about the kind things that I learn about people doing for us. And then I say a silent (and sometimes not silent) prayer of gratitude. How grateful I am for my brothers and sisters on this earth that love us, even though we are sometimes strangers to them, and they have hearts like the Savior. To love unconditionally, to serve unconditionally, just as He taught. It renews my faith in humanity. It teaches me that even though bad things happen, evil does exist, still in the end righteousness prevails. And it always will. Christ reigns and those who follow Him will be blessed for their efforts.
I never thought I would feel humbled in this way--it's something I wasn't prepared to feel. It is such an odd feeling. It's very foreign. I wish I could put into words the way my heart feels. It is just love. Overwhelming love. Love for all people. Love to you. Thank you. Thank you for loving us.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I need a punching bag. No joke. I really do.
Did I mention how much I'm coming to despise the mail? I am. Two main complaints about it. First, I'm SO SO SO sick of all the stuff I get addressed to Adam Smith, MD. He hated HATED HATED to be identified as a doctor. He liked keeping it top secret information. He liked people hearing that he worked in radiology and thinking he was a tech instead of a doctor--it matches his sense of humor, smirky Adam knowing that people thought he only did two years of college instead of almost 14. I remember hearing his response one time when someone asked what he "did" for a living and he said, "I work in radiology." The other person said, "Oh, like you take xrays?" and Adam said, "Yeah...something like that." Haha. Not even close! But it was his own secret joke that he liked. I was, of course, proud of his hard work--but he didn't like the fact that certain people thought of him on a different pedestal, those who didn't "really" know him and only admired his doctoring abilities. I think he would've liked his mail addressed to Adam Smith, Slip N Slider Extraordinaire or maybe Adam Smith, #1 Hiking Fisherman. Or maybe Adam Smith, Melissa's First True Love. Yep. I like the last one best, and so did he. Darn the mail. But not the mailman (he even sent me a sympathy card and I'd never met the man--so sweet)--but just the mail in general.
The other prominent thing I get in the mail are annoying bills with big time messed up insurance nonsense. Adam had no patience for this stuff (he always wanted to do away with insurance altogether in "his health plan") and I dealt with all our financial affairs. This is the one time I think he should be permitted to come down and do some punching of his own. And not on a punching bag--but on a few heads. Maybe more than a few....Ugh. Justin's therapist told me this week that he told her that he thinks "the man should die." I'm glad he's telling her what he really thinks, it's good for him to let it out.
Thanks to Jeralyn for watching my kiddos today so I could go to the temple. I wish I were the little 90 year old osteoporotic lady who was there today, a bit closer to seeing my dear husband again--but I'm not. Ugh. Hopefully someday I'll be at peace when I go to the temple and I will find comfort there. For now it's just tough. I've taken to plotting out how many tissues I can use and that is how long I stay in a particular room there. When I've bawled such that those 4 tissues are gone, so am I. So. Difficult. But I have faith and I figure that going to the temple is like paying tithing--someday it will bless me and I'll feel the blessings associated with being obedient. I'm counting on it.
I can't believe it's been almost 4 months. Seriously, it still feels like yesterday.
Did I mention how much I'm coming to despise the mail? I am. Two main complaints about it. First, I'm SO SO SO sick of all the stuff I get addressed to Adam Smith, MD. He hated HATED HATED to be identified as a doctor. He liked keeping it top secret information. He liked people hearing that he worked in radiology and thinking he was a tech instead of a doctor--it matches his sense of humor, smirky Adam knowing that people thought he only did two years of college instead of almost 14. I remember hearing his response one time when someone asked what he "did" for a living and he said, "I work in radiology." The other person said, "Oh, like you take xrays?" and Adam said, "Yeah...something like that." Haha. Not even close! But it was his own secret joke that he liked. I was, of course, proud of his hard work--but he didn't like the fact that certain people thought of him on a different pedestal, those who didn't "really" know him and only admired his doctoring abilities. I think he would've liked his mail addressed to Adam Smith, Slip N Slider Extraordinaire or maybe Adam Smith, #1 Hiking Fisherman. Or maybe Adam Smith, Melissa's First True Love. Yep. I like the last one best, and so did he. Darn the mail. But not the mailman (he even sent me a sympathy card and I'd never met the man--so sweet)--but just the mail in general.
The other prominent thing I get in the mail are annoying bills with big time messed up insurance nonsense. Adam had no patience for this stuff (he always wanted to do away with insurance altogether in "his health plan") and I dealt with all our financial affairs. This is the one time I think he should be permitted to come down and do some punching of his own. And not on a punching bag--but on a few heads. Maybe more than a few....Ugh. Justin's therapist told me this week that he told her that he thinks "the man should die." I'm glad he's telling her what he really thinks, it's good for him to let it out.
Thanks to Jeralyn for watching my kiddos today so I could go to the temple. I wish I were the little 90 year old osteoporotic lady who was there today, a bit closer to seeing my dear husband again--but I'm not. Ugh. Hopefully someday I'll be at peace when I go to the temple and I will find comfort there. For now it's just tough. I've taken to plotting out how many tissues I can use and that is how long I stay in a particular room there. When I've bawled such that those 4 tissues are gone, so am I. So. Difficult. But I have faith and I figure that going to the temple is like paying tithing--someday it will bless me and I'll feel the blessings associated with being obedient. I'm counting on it.
I can't believe it's been almost 4 months. Seriously, it still feels like yesterday.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Christmas Trees and Stockings
It's funny that I hate winter so much, really. December and Christmas have always been my favorite times of the year, so I suppose it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Oh well.
There are just so many things about December that I will always hold dear to my heart. I love Christmas lights, decorations, the smell of Christmas trees (or the yankee candle I put in my home to pretend we have a real tree!), just everything about the season. There are definitely certain decorations that I can't wait to put up the day after Thanksgiving. Through the years, Adam has always had to contain my excitement, making sure I didn't start before Thanksgiving to start putting up all the decor.
But this year is different. It all just seems so wrong, and yet it wouldn't be right not to put things up. So we did (or at least a small portion of it all). My dad strung Christmas lights outside our house and helped put up our VERY OLD Christmas tree that Adam and I got for our 2nd Christmas together and have used every year since. This was the last year we had planned on using this Christmas tree, it's the kind where you have to poke in each individual branch into a fake tree trunk, and THEN string lights? Very time consuming....technology in Christmas tree making design has significantly improved since the year 2000 I'd have to say! Maybe we'll ditch this tree just because it was on the "to-do" list anyway. Ugh. I digress...
So my dad put up this tree, the same tree that I have put up (by myself) nearly every year of our marriage. I've been the one (with the exception of maybe last year when Adam pitied pregnant me) to string the lights, and then gather us all for our tradition of decorating the tree. Adam hated doing this. Not sure why. I think he admitted this only last year though. I didn't (and still don't) get it, what's not to like about hanging ornaments and listening to Christmas music, followed by Christmas cookies and eggnog? Hmm. Maybe that was the problem. He hated eggnog. And I love the stuff, with a little added milk to make it a bit less thick and with some freshly grated nutmeg on top. Yum.
This year, we put less than 1/4 of our ornaments on the tree. I couldn't bear to put everything on. So we put only the musts (my yearly favorites): the crocheted snowflakes that Mom Porter gave us when we got married, along with the ornament she crosstitched for our 1st Christmas (kissing mice that has our names and 1999 on it), her beautiful handmade bread dough ornaments that are just gorgeous, and a few other handmade ones from the boys through the years. I decided against any of the breakable (even though they make shatterproof ones now I hear...) ball ornaments--Adam hated those, even though I always put them up--or some of the other un-favorites. It just seemed to make sense I suppose.
And I put up our beautiful handmade crosstitched stockings that Mom Porter made us. I asked Justin what he wanted to do about having Adam's stocking up or not; he said, "I think we should put it up." So I said sure (I just love it to pieces anyway....I kind of wanted it up!!). And then Justin gave me a smirky Adam comment: "That means if his stocking is up then we can share all the extra candy that Santa will leave him!" Haha. He's so much like his daddy. I wonder if he'll gain Adam's sarcasm someday. It'll be a rough house for me if that's the case.
We went to our ward Christmas party tonight. It was nice. It made me think back to last year's party when I was helping with the food preparation, had 2 kids (well, 3--one in my belly) in tow, and was by myself...Adam was working as usual. It's weird how I learned to do so much on my own without him around, in a really bizarre twist of things, I definitely think the Lord prepared me in some ways of realizing how I am capable of tackling the kids and things without Adam. I don't like it one bit and never have. But I guess I got used to depending on other people at functions like church dinners and such, because it's just always been near impossible to do things alone. I'm truly grateful for so many surrogate parents--"people who stand in the place of parents," as the general authority put it a few weeks ago in stake conference--that help my little family. I like to be independent and NOT have to depend on others, but this has been a humbling experience...I'll always have to depend on others and my little boys will always have to have "lots of dads" stand in the place of their daddy. How grateful I am for the church. Knowing that I have such a strong support system no matter where in the world I go--it gives me MUCH peace.
There are just so many things about December that I will always hold dear to my heart. I love Christmas lights, decorations, the smell of Christmas trees (or the yankee candle I put in my home to pretend we have a real tree!), just everything about the season. There are definitely certain decorations that I can't wait to put up the day after Thanksgiving. Through the years, Adam has always had to contain my excitement, making sure I didn't start before Thanksgiving to start putting up all the decor.
But this year is different. It all just seems so wrong, and yet it wouldn't be right not to put things up. So we did (or at least a small portion of it all). My dad strung Christmas lights outside our house and helped put up our VERY OLD Christmas tree that Adam and I got for our 2nd Christmas together and have used every year since. This was the last year we had planned on using this Christmas tree, it's the kind where you have to poke in each individual branch into a fake tree trunk, and THEN string lights? Very time consuming....technology in Christmas tree making design has significantly improved since the year 2000 I'd have to say! Maybe we'll ditch this tree just because it was on the "to-do" list anyway. Ugh. I digress...
So my dad put up this tree, the same tree that I have put up (by myself) nearly every year of our marriage. I've been the one (with the exception of maybe last year when Adam pitied pregnant me) to string the lights, and then gather us all for our tradition of decorating the tree. Adam hated doing this. Not sure why. I think he admitted this only last year though. I didn't (and still don't) get it, what's not to like about hanging ornaments and listening to Christmas music, followed by Christmas cookies and eggnog? Hmm. Maybe that was the problem. He hated eggnog. And I love the stuff, with a little added milk to make it a bit less thick and with some freshly grated nutmeg on top. Yum.
This year, we put less than 1/4 of our ornaments on the tree. I couldn't bear to put everything on. So we put only the musts (my yearly favorites): the crocheted snowflakes that Mom Porter gave us when we got married, along with the ornament she crosstitched for our 1st Christmas (kissing mice that has our names and 1999 on it), her beautiful handmade bread dough ornaments that are just gorgeous, and a few other handmade ones from the boys through the years. I decided against any of the breakable (even though they make shatterproof ones now I hear...) ball ornaments--Adam hated those, even though I always put them up--or some of the other un-favorites. It just seemed to make sense I suppose.
And I put up our beautiful handmade crosstitched stockings that Mom Porter made us. I asked Justin what he wanted to do about having Adam's stocking up or not; he said, "I think we should put it up." So I said sure (I just love it to pieces anyway....I kind of wanted it up!!). And then Justin gave me a smirky Adam comment: "That means if his stocking is up then we can share all the extra candy that Santa will leave him!" Haha. He's so much like his daddy. I wonder if he'll gain Adam's sarcasm someday. It'll be a rough house for me if that's the case.
We went to our ward Christmas party tonight. It was nice. It made me think back to last year's party when I was helping with the food preparation, had 2 kids (well, 3--one in my belly) in tow, and was by myself...Adam was working as usual. It's weird how I learned to do so much on my own without him around, in a really bizarre twist of things, I definitely think the Lord prepared me in some ways of realizing how I am capable of tackling the kids and things without Adam. I don't like it one bit and never have. But I guess I got used to depending on other people at functions like church dinners and such, because it's just always been near impossible to do things alone. I'm truly grateful for so many surrogate parents--"people who stand in the place of parents," as the general authority put it a few weeks ago in stake conference--that help my little family. I like to be independent and NOT have to depend on others, but this has been a humbling experience...I'll always have to depend on others and my little boys will always have to have "lots of dads" stand in the place of their daddy. How grateful I am for the church. Knowing that I have such a strong support system no matter where in the world I go--it gives me MUCH peace.