I was once asked if I had "one" good friend here in Omaha, in our little area of town. This question caught me a bit off guard. I think I responded something to the effect of, "Yes, lots of different friends for lots of different things." I'm starting to wonder if that sounded a bit odd to the one posing this question. But I do. I have lots of different friends for lots of different things--certain friends who mesh well with my children, certain friends who I'd trust with my life or my children's lives, certain friends who keep secrets best, certain friends who are particularly brilliant, some who I don't know as well but just "sense" their loyalty, some who I go to when I need a good laugh, some who I can go to for sensitivity and a good cry, some for spiritual advice, some for objectivity, some who are "fun," some who are practical, some who are older (age-wise) and wiser, some who've had certain life experiences to make them trustworthy with certain facets of my life....and my list goes on and on.
I'm grateful for friends. I have started to realize the importance of friends and why God places certain people in our lives at very distinct times. I have realized (and thoroughly acknowledge) that certain people who I am in contact with have been in the right place at the right time. Seriously. I'm humbled by the realization of this again and again. I'm so thankful.
I got to go out last night with some friends. My children were watched by some other sweet friends who my children adore. I watched (partially in horror) as Spencer, in his deep comfort of this family's home, took two steps into their home and tossed his coat on their floor...just like he likes to do at our home, even though he is instantly reminded of the proper place for his coat each time he does this. He had been whining to go to their house all day. And Justin was equally enthused about his visit! How grateful I am for people that treat my children like their own, in whom I trust thoroughly. Trust is sometimes a difficult thing for me, but I am strengthened by those who I can truly trust.
This same girlfriend picked up my crying baby today and he was instantly soothed by her voice. It was a bit shocking to me, and yet (because I know he doesn't go to "everyone" all that easily) I was also very comforted. It's nice to know there are others who my children feel at ease with, who I feel at ease with as well.
So when the nine of us went out last night and cackled (maybe it was just me who was cackling...) it was very nice--it feels SO GOOD TO LAUGH. I sometimes hate to bring up "widow" stuff when I'm with friends--I sometimes want to just pretend all is 'normal' and well and that all is good...and I don't want to be the downer in a group conversation--or make others uncomfortable, because, well, I just know that people don't know how to "deal" with my widowhood, or even want to think about it sometimes. I know some see me and it brings about a mortality wake up call--like the awareness that this could happen to anyone really, young and old. Anyway, I really enjoyed my time last night. Maybe more so than the rest of them just because I don't get real "adult" time much anymore. I never realized just how important those couple nightly hours were with Adam. Sometimes they didn't seem all that productive or earth-shatteringly important, probably because those hours were just comfortable and "us." But it's interesting. When all the sillyness is gone. All the cornering me in the kitchen to kiss me while I'm washing dishes is gone. All the stealing of shredding cheese while I'm trying to cook is gone. It's just amazing how the little things are the big things that I miss about my Adam.
I was told by the prosecutors to write down all the little things, as they are convincing pieces for the judge to read and feel. And yet I could literally sit and write thousands upon thousands of "little" things. I don't even know how to synthesize those things into sensibilities for a judge to read! They've told me that my writing--above anyone, ANYONE else--is what will be the convincing factor when the judge sentences the defendant. This weighs on me. That kind of pressure. Well. It stinks. Sigh.
But for now I can be grateful for sweet advice from sweet friends last night. The thought came to me as I sat there that I think they don't realize how often they ask their husbands for advice (I know I didn't realize how much I did it!), and now my need, my deep yearning for advice from others in various aspects of my life is so vital. I guess I'm kind of to that point of needing to hear lots of others' thoughts...so then I can decipher what bits of advice to take. It's a tricky thing. I miss Adam. It would be much easier if widows/widowers could just hear their husbands' or wives' voices. I mean, I wouldn't tell a soul that this secret dialogue existed if I could have it. If only....
BUT.
Bargaining with God doesn't work though. Ever. Sadly. Don't I wish!
I've determined that I really was not meant to be single. I don't care what person says stupid garbage like, "This was God's plan" or "You can handle it." I've come to terms with those statements, that yes, indeed they ARE true technically, however cruel and awful and stupid those statements are. They are just THAT. But I know that I wasn't meant to be single. I don't believe any of God's children were "meant" to be single or it would defeat His plan. So I have to determine difficult things. Being 31, widowed, with 3 children makes for an interesting, unique set of baggage. And since ALL people have baggage to some degree, I guess I just have to wade through the baggage and determine what my course will be next. So much to consider. And some days I'm not sure that my brain has space to analyze anything anymore!
Analysis paralysis. (Thanks for the phrase Mom, it's right-on!)
So. I'm grateful for my "jury" girls last night. I have a feeling that they'll continue to play their juror parts to some degree over time.
I'm grateful for friends. Thank you all. Friends near and far. You are all in my prayers of gratitude, I want you to know that!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
"How many hands does Mommy have?"
Yet one more time that my kids heard this question. I think my kids are going to want to add this quote to my headstone or something! Spencer, of all my children, is quite demanding and I find myself repeating this question to him a lot. After I was trying to get Carson out of the shower this morning (and not Spencer), Spencer started yelling at me to get him out of the shower. Hence, the # of hands question. Someday he'll learn to quit yelling at me...hopefully it's just a phase. It's frustratingly annoying.
It snowed last night. And not the usual powdery snow, but wet-stick-to-the-trees snow. It's so pretty. Even prettier that it didn't stick to all the sidewalks and roads much, but completely covered the grass by several inches. Hopefully my daffodils and tulips that are emerging from the ground don't mind too much.
I got a little California-driver-y this morning. Some crazy chick in a Jetta tailed me on the road to Justin's school. Like crazy-bad tailing, and throwing her hands in the air having a road rage-tantrum for no reason. I wasn't even going all that slow, just the speed limit. So what did I do? Honk. A LONG honk as I continued to drive. The kids wondered what was going on and I told them that there was a crazy lady behind us, no big deal. But I had to laugh in my head. Adam always would tap his breaks if people tailed him and he was annoyed. I never liked that tactic because what if then they rear-ended us? I always worried that would happen. I tend to like my horn much better. Adam was a very passive-aggressive person sometimes. People out here (in my experience) don't use their horns all that often. But I do. When necessary. < grin >
It's a really good thing I have a smart 8 year old. We forgot (again) to study his weekly spelling words, until on the way to school today (it's spelling test day). Someday this will catch up to us, I fear. Thankfully for now, he doesn't need much (if any) studying. What kind of spelling word is "overwrought" anyway? I mean, I don't think I've ever used that word in conversation. Hmm.
Got a really nice email from one of Adam's coworkers about a dream she'd had about Adam and me. Kinda sweet. I like hearing of "nice" dreams. They're much better than the wacky recurring dreams I have of marrying my friends' husbands. Those are just plain obnoxious at this point. No worries, friends--they're just weird dreams! :) I'm not after your men.
Working on thoughts for an art project. I went through Adam's shoes the other day, I was finally ready. He makes me laugh, that Adam. When we got married, I think he came to our marriage with like 2 things--a mismatched set of twin bed sheets (which I think he stole from his mom's linen closet for use when he lived on his own) and a set of tupperware measuring cups (also taken from his mom, I'm sure of it.). He was a man of few "things." He didn't have very many pairs of shoes, and as we learned through our marriage...we wore out everything that we ever bought. I suppose those were good traits to learn.
So I've hated the idea of throwing his shoes away (they are too worn to give away, truly). One person suggested I take pictures of them and maybe add them to the quilts I'm going to make the boys with Adam's shirts. But I came up with a seemingly better idea. I'm going to make impressions of them on a canvas, and then do little foot print impressions of the boys and maybe mine on there. Still working on the logistics, but I like the idea that we'll have a visual of his shoes/feet instead.
I gave Carson his "real" first haircut this morning. The poor kid couldn't see through the hair in his eyes, so I decided it was time. I've been fighting it for too long, denying that Carson is getting big and "old."
Potato soup for breakfast. And a brownie. For me...not the kids. Breakfast of champions. Or maybe just a grieving widow.
It snowed last night. And not the usual powdery snow, but wet-stick-to-the-trees snow. It's so pretty. Even prettier that it didn't stick to all the sidewalks and roads much, but completely covered the grass by several inches. Hopefully my daffodils and tulips that are emerging from the ground don't mind too much.
I got a little California-driver-y this morning. Some crazy chick in a Jetta tailed me on the road to Justin's school. Like crazy-bad tailing, and throwing her hands in the air having a road rage-tantrum for no reason. I wasn't even going all that slow, just the speed limit. So what did I do? Honk. A LONG honk as I continued to drive. The kids wondered what was going on and I told them that there was a crazy lady behind us, no big deal. But I had to laugh in my head. Adam always would tap his breaks if people tailed him and he was annoyed. I never liked that tactic because what if then they rear-ended us? I always worried that would happen. I tend to like my horn much better. Adam was a very passive-aggressive person sometimes. People out here (in my experience) don't use their horns all that often. But I do. When necessary. < grin >
It's a really good thing I have a smart 8 year old. We forgot (again) to study his weekly spelling words, until on the way to school today (it's spelling test day). Someday this will catch up to us, I fear. Thankfully for now, he doesn't need much (if any) studying. What kind of spelling word is "overwrought" anyway? I mean, I don't think I've ever used that word in conversation. Hmm.
Got a really nice email from one of Adam's coworkers about a dream she'd had about Adam and me. Kinda sweet. I like hearing of "nice" dreams. They're much better than the wacky recurring dreams I have of marrying my friends' husbands. Those are just plain obnoxious at this point. No worries, friends--they're just weird dreams! :) I'm not after your men.
Working on thoughts for an art project. I went through Adam's shoes the other day, I was finally ready. He makes me laugh, that Adam. When we got married, I think he came to our marriage with like 2 things--a mismatched set of twin bed sheets (which I think he stole from his mom's linen closet for use when he lived on his own) and a set of tupperware measuring cups (also taken from his mom, I'm sure of it.). He was a man of few "things." He didn't have very many pairs of shoes, and as we learned through our marriage...we wore out everything that we ever bought. I suppose those were good traits to learn.
So I've hated the idea of throwing his shoes away (they are too worn to give away, truly). One person suggested I take pictures of them and maybe add them to the quilts I'm going to make the boys with Adam's shirts. But I came up with a seemingly better idea. I'm going to make impressions of them on a canvas, and then do little foot print impressions of the boys and maybe mine on there. Still working on the logistics, but I like the idea that we'll have a visual of his shoes/feet instead.
I gave Carson his "real" first haircut this morning. The poor kid couldn't see through the hair in his eyes, so I decided it was time. I've been fighting it for too long, denying that Carson is getting big and "old."
Potato soup for breakfast. And a brownie. For me...not the kids. Breakfast of champions. Or maybe just a grieving widow.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Definitions
Today's Widow 101 lesson: Defining Grieving and Loss.
Oprah (who I have a love/hate relationship with) gave some definitions similar to these recently, but the definitions I learned at the W/W conference were a little more in depth, more concrete.
One little admission first though: I generally think that 'most' psychologists are more messed up than the people they counsel (that they have their own deep-rooted psychoses for going in to the field of psychology). That said, I am always a bit (or a LOT) apprehensive in taking advice/being open to information from any psychologist. HOWEVER. The psychologist at the W/W conference, Dr. Kent Allen, was quite right-on in what he taught this weekend....
Dr. Allen said that his "new" definitions (after having experienced a loss himself) are the following:
Loss= An event that shatters hopes and dreams that are core to our existence.
Grieving= The process of letting go of the lost hopes and dreams. It facilitates the acquisition of new hopes and dreams.
And his other main points in this particular lecture:
1. Grieving is an unlearned process.
2. Grieving is a feeling process, not a thinking process.
3. There is NO LOGIC in this process.
4. And (the Biggie...) WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT.
So, I think my problem is I'm generally a pretty logical person. I think I can think everything through, I can tell myself how things are, I can predict/estimate how things "will be." Yet, there isn't logic to "real" grief and all the stages must be felt to some degree. This I've known. Duh. But I don't like the illogical-ness to it all.
I think that while I'm grateful for the ways in which the Lord prepared me for this tragedy (He did), there will still be completely illogical emotions, and experiences that I have to go through. Which is tough for me to imagine, or "let" myself experience. But all who experience loss MUST go through the ENTIRE grieving process.
My frustration is that there is NO book, NO "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, no....LOGIC. Which makes it all tough for me. Because I want to be able to give myself affirmations like "Good, you've experienced THAT. Check!" And yet there aren't those obvious "been there, done that" experiences. Grief just doesn't work that way. At all. Kind of like forgiveness. It's a process. Months, years, maybe a lifetime, to process it all.
I think I find myself holding back tears or making myself change my thoughts sometimes just because it's better (sometimes easier) not to think about the full impact of my loss. Sometimes I don't know how to "let" myself feel. It's weird. Again, I look for some sort of pat on the back as to say that I'm "normal" and feeling as I should, I suppose.
But for my own sanity's purpose, I'm going to itemize the things I'm grieving today. And forgive me (well...honestly, I don't really care, but I'll be nice and ask for forgiveness from others?) in my repetition in thoughts or my listing of things that aren't all that kosher to discuss...
My lost hopes and dreams on my mind today:
Sex
Growing old with Adam
Companionship
Husbandly advice
Husbandly admonishment
Plans
Money
Comfort
Someone to help button my buttons/zippers on backs of my shirts
Husbandly yard work
Manly chore helper: fix-its around the house
My backup assistant with "others"
My reassurer
My backup assistant parent
Story reader to the boys before bed
Hoping for vacations with just the two of us
Anniversaries...of all sorts
Another baby, "Rachel"
Family Home Evening Board name gone
Hearing daily funny hospital gossip
Daily medical debates/case studies
My own nursing medical knowledge backup/explainer
Sex.
My best friend
His snoring at night
Exercise partner
Computer/electronics fix it guy
Movie watcher
General debater
Dates
Husbandly compliments
Weekly flower deliveries (in the future)
Planning our dream home
Date nights "in"
"What if" conversations
Moving plans and dreams
Sex
Adam paying off my student loans
Adam paying off his student loans
Enjoying investing $ together, discussing money
Snow shoveler
Car fix-it/ take it to the shop guy
Other pair of eyes
Other pair of hands
His cold feet in my bed at night
Listening to him fall asleep every night
Helping him help me
Helping him
Watching thunderstorms together
Such a small list off the top of my head. Yet different hopes/dreams/plans to grieve over. Stinks. All of it. Some of these things...I just don't know how I'll grieve these things, and moreover, how I'll replace these dreams with new ones. That's tough. And necessary. But I already have a list going in my head of new hopes and dreams. They don't "replace" Adam, but they are dreams to get me through to the future I suppose. Some of them, I have to just think what Adam would want me and the boys to do, some I know what he has said he'd want me to do so that makes things simple. I guess it's all the gray area stuff where I just wish he were around to brainstorm with. Ugh. One more thing to grieve over.
Productive grieving.
Oprah (who I have a love/hate relationship with) gave some definitions similar to these recently, but the definitions I learned at the W/W conference were a little more in depth, more concrete.
One little admission first though: I generally think that 'most' psychologists are more messed up than the people they counsel (that they have their own deep-rooted psychoses for going in to the field of psychology). That said, I am always a bit (or a LOT) apprehensive in taking advice/being open to information from any psychologist. HOWEVER. The psychologist at the W/W conference, Dr. Kent Allen, was quite right-on in what he taught this weekend....
Dr. Allen said that his "new" definitions (after having experienced a loss himself) are the following:
Loss= An event that shatters hopes and dreams that are core to our existence.
Grieving= The process of letting go of the lost hopes and dreams. It facilitates the acquisition of new hopes and dreams.
And his other main points in this particular lecture:
1. Grieving is an unlearned process.
2. Grieving is a feeling process, not a thinking process.
3. There is NO LOGIC in this process.
4. And (the Biggie...) WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT.
So, I think my problem is I'm generally a pretty logical person. I think I can think everything through, I can tell myself how things are, I can predict/estimate how things "will be." Yet, there isn't logic to "real" grief and all the stages must be felt to some degree. This I've known. Duh. But I don't like the illogical-ness to it all.
I think that while I'm grateful for the ways in which the Lord prepared me for this tragedy (He did), there will still be completely illogical emotions, and experiences that I have to go through. Which is tough for me to imagine, or "let" myself experience. But all who experience loss MUST go through the ENTIRE grieving process.
My frustration is that there is NO book, NO "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, no....LOGIC. Which makes it all tough for me. Because I want to be able to give myself affirmations like "Good, you've experienced THAT. Check!" And yet there aren't those obvious "been there, done that" experiences. Grief just doesn't work that way. At all. Kind of like forgiveness. It's a process. Months, years, maybe a lifetime, to process it all.
I think I find myself holding back tears or making myself change my thoughts sometimes just because it's better (sometimes easier) not to think about the full impact of my loss. Sometimes I don't know how to "let" myself feel. It's weird. Again, I look for some sort of pat on the back as to say that I'm "normal" and feeling as I should, I suppose.
But for my own sanity's purpose, I'm going to itemize the things I'm grieving today. And forgive me (well...honestly, I don't really care, but I'll be nice and ask for forgiveness from others?) in my repetition in thoughts or my listing of things that aren't all that kosher to discuss...
My lost hopes and dreams on my mind today:
Sex
Growing old with Adam
Companionship
Husbandly advice
Husbandly admonishment
Plans
Money
Comfort
Someone to help button my buttons/zippers on backs of my shirts
Husbandly yard work
Manly chore helper: fix-its around the house
My backup assistant with "others"
My reassurer
My backup assistant parent
Story reader to the boys before bed
Hoping for vacations with just the two of us
Anniversaries...of all sorts
Another baby, "Rachel"
Family Home Evening Board name gone
Hearing daily funny hospital gossip
Daily medical debates/case studies
My own nursing medical knowledge backup/explainer
Sex.
My best friend
His snoring at night
Exercise partner
Computer/electronics fix it guy
Movie watcher
General debater
Dates
Husbandly compliments
Weekly flower deliveries (in the future)
Planning our dream home
Date nights "in"
"What if" conversations
Moving plans and dreams
Sex
Adam paying off my student loans
Adam paying off his student loans
Enjoying investing $ together, discussing money
Snow shoveler
Car fix-it/ take it to the shop guy
Other pair of eyes
Other pair of hands
His cold feet in my bed at night
Listening to him fall asleep every night
Helping him help me
Helping him
Watching thunderstorms together
Such a small list off the top of my head. Yet different hopes/dreams/plans to grieve over. Stinks. All of it. Some of these things...I just don't know how I'll grieve these things, and moreover, how I'll replace these dreams with new ones. That's tough. And necessary. But I already have a list going in my head of new hopes and dreams. They don't "replace" Adam, but they are dreams to get me through to the future I suppose. Some of them, I have to just think what Adam would want me and the boys to do, some I know what he has said he'd want me to do so that makes things simple. I guess it's all the gray area stuff where I just wish he were around to brainstorm with. Ugh. One more thing to grieve over.
Productive grieving.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Weekend of Healing
I learned so much this weekend. I can't even start to summarize my gratitude for the tidbits of knowledge and healing I received this weekend. It was the best thing I could possibly have done for ME this weekend, to attend a young LDS widows and widowers conference in Utah.
I will probably post bits of what I learned over the next few weeks. There are a lot of new thoughts floating through my head. Which is good. I learned that thinking new thoughts is healing and very important in grief. To repeat the same thought processes is not helpful. It's quite damaging, actually. It was something I'd never thought about before, but I now recognize in myself (and others) the reason why we don't always deal well with grief and other issues--getting stuck in the same thought processes does not help us progress as we should. Interesting.
I think I felt an overwhelming gratitude to be among people who had all experienced a similar loss, one that truly can only be understood by other widows. I wasn't prepared, I think, for the amount of young widows that were there. I mean, I knew they were "out there" but I wasn't prepared for the reality of what it would be like to truly be in the company of quite that many of "them"...or of "us." It was very comforting, really to be able to just "know" that they also...just knew.
One thing that I wasn't prepared for was the fact that each of these widows and widowers had equally terrible, horrific experience with the loss of their spouses. While of course I knew they'd have sad stories and experiences--death is never happy, for sure-- I hadn't really processed that ALL those in attendance would have just as dramatic, awful things they endured--just like me. They had the same worries, concerns, thoughts about their futures. It didn't matter if they were a few years younger, or a few years older. We shared a bond that was sacred in nature, something truly indescribable. I learned more fully what it means to "mourn with those who mourn." A truly humbling experience. One of which I thank Heavenly Father for allowing me to experience.
I will probably post bits of what I learned over the next few weeks. There are a lot of new thoughts floating through my head. Which is good. I learned that thinking new thoughts is healing and very important in grief. To repeat the same thought processes is not helpful. It's quite damaging, actually. It was something I'd never thought about before, but I now recognize in myself (and others) the reason why we don't always deal well with grief and other issues--getting stuck in the same thought processes does not help us progress as we should. Interesting.
I think I felt an overwhelming gratitude to be among people who had all experienced a similar loss, one that truly can only be understood by other widows. I wasn't prepared, I think, for the amount of young widows that were there. I mean, I knew they were "out there" but I wasn't prepared for the reality of what it would be like to truly be in the company of quite that many of "them"...or of "us." It was very comforting, really to be able to just "know" that they also...just knew.
One thing that I wasn't prepared for was the fact that each of these widows and widowers had equally terrible, horrific experience with the loss of their spouses. While of course I knew they'd have sad stories and experiences--death is never happy, for sure-- I hadn't really processed that ALL those in attendance would have just as dramatic, awful things they endured--just like me. They had the same worries, concerns, thoughts about their futures. It didn't matter if they were a few years younger, or a few years older. We shared a bond that was sacred in nature, something truly indescribable. I learned more fully what it means to "mourn with those who mourn." A truly humbling experience. One of which I thank Heavenly Father for allowing me to experience.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
a new day has come...
Each day we do tough things. Some things are tough physically, others spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I haven't travelled by myself on a plane for...hmm...since maybe the summer before my senior year of high school. I realize at this moment that I traveled to UT by myself then too. Weird, since I've been to Utah only a handful of times in my life. I think this trip is particularly tough because the last time I went it was going for a quick weekend trip with Adam, one that proved to be one of the most important things I will have ever done in my life. It was a wonderful trip. It was the last real "us" trip Adam and I took. So this trip will be full of memories I'm sure. It will be tough.
Fear can be a paralyzing, painful thing I think. And we learn in the scriptures in 2 Timothy 1:7 that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love and of a sound mind. I think as I do different things that are tough, that I'd rather not be doing at all, or to be doing with Adam, the words of that scripture come to my mind. The devil creates fear, not God. It's an important reminder. But for me...particularly today.
For tomorrow, happy birthday to my Adam and Happy Birthday to my Daddy. It'll be sad to not be able to listen to them race to wish one another happy birthday before the other one. Oh the changes of life.
I didn't wear green today. Oh well.
Fear can be a paralyzing, painful thing I think. And we learn in the scriptures in 2 Timothy 1:7 that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of love and of a sound mind. I think as I do different things that are tough, that I'd rather not be doing at all, or to be doing with Adam, the words of that scripture come to my mind. The devil creates fear, not God. It's an important reminder. But for me...particularly today.
For tomorrow, happy birthday to my Adam and Happy Birthday to my Daddy. It'll be sad to not be able to listen to them race to wish one another happy birthday before the other one. Oh the changes of life.
I didn't wear green today. Oh well.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I'm still awake
Might as well blog a few things.
Can't believe that really cute widow went for the silly, wishy-washy guy on the Bachelor. Do I usually watch that garbage on tv? Not generally, but this season I did off and on...mostly because I was curious what would become of that very cute, young, widow. Hmm. That poor daughter of hers....Happy thoughts for her.
Last night I broke out something I hadn't since pretty much Adam's funeral--the guest sheets from his funeral of the roughly 200 people who attended. It was weird, but good, to go through them and look at all the names. There were certain people I didn't realize were there, and there were those who I'm pretty positive that I saw in the audience whose names were not on the sheets. Either way, it made me so incredibly grateful, again, for the support of others. There were a few people who attended that I was like, "Hmm, I know OF them, but I (we) don't really "KNOW" them." I am very touched by that. But the thing that got me most, as I looked over the names, was the realization that there were 12 teachers/staff from Justin's school there. Twelve. Including every 3rd grade teacher. That was A LOT of substitutes that they had to get that day! Seriously! I was/am shocked! And SO grateful for their support. They've been wonderful to our family through the years, and I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude.
Thanksgiving and gratitude are interesting things. Our nation was built on them. And not just eating turkey, but the principle of gratitude. It's just another daily reminder that there are little and big things for which to be grateful each day. For all of us.
My tulips and daffodils are peaking out of the ground. YAY!
There was this interesting giant rose that shot up out of our rose bush after Adam died. I watched this rose bush intently as time went on, even took some pictures. One giant red rose appeared in the middle, with 3 little red roses surrounding it. It gave me much pause to stop and think during the months that followed Adam's death. There was one smaller rose off to the side, smaller than the 3 roses. The boys and I talked that daddy sent us these roses, that they "were us" in a sense. At the end of the rose-season, I couldn't prune back these roses. So they sat (probably really odd looking) dead in our front yard. Over the weekend Spencer helped me prune. It was time. And I noticed new buds growing already--not flowers yet, but just greenery beginning to grow on the shoots. It reminds me that a new season is upon us. Change will continue. Life will march on. And so will I. So will my boys. I'm getting there. Ready for change. On a lot of different fronts.
I was also looking back on old blog comments. Even though I read them all, somehow I'd blocked out of my mind some of the early posts. It's interesting how things people say to me really don't bother me anymore. I'm starting to "get" a lot of things that I didn't earlier on. I'm not as hypersensitive. I think I've gained perspective in terms of acceptance. I guess it shows progress. I'm chalking it up as "good" points for me.
I think the nature of Adam's death and of our life left me to have a delayed grief to some extent--things were/have been "business" for so long that it took me a while to get down to the nitty-gritty of it all. Yes, I could spout off all the aspects of what exactly he meant to me and my boys and how his death affected us like no others can relate. But it's taken a while to really "feel" it all. Really feel it. And I bawl a lot now, at really random moments sometimes. And I'm not a cry baby by nature--never have been really. So maybe that's good, maybe not. Maybe not good or bad. It just....IS.
But I still wear my wedding ring. I like it. I may always wear it. I like diamonds. And even if I wanted to switch it to my right hand as some widows do....my ring finger is smaller on my left than my right hand!:) I suppose it's from 11 years of wearing a wedding ring, I have a permanent indentation. It's interesting how widows and widowers can be so different in what things bother us, what things we just hold on to of our loved ones, and how we grieve. It's all different. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone though, there are young widows who DO get how this feels. While I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, I'm just glad there are others who do understand.
And lest you become widowed too...have you taken my advice in previous posts? Be prepared. Talk to your spouse. Seriously. It could happen to you too. I suppose, it WILL happen to you (or your spouse) eventually. Might as well chat now while you both have your teeth to do so, right?! :)
Can't believe that really cute widow went for the silly, wishy-washy guy on the Bachelor. Do I usually watch that garbage on tv? Not generally, but this season I did off and on...mostly because I was curious what would become of that very cute, young, widow. Hmm. That poor daughter of hers....Happy thoughts for her.
Last night I broke out something I hadn't since pretty much Adam's funeral--the guest sheets from his funeral of the roughly 200 people who attended. It was weird, but good, to go through them and look at all the names. There were certain people I didn't realize were there, and there were those who I'm pretty positive that I saw in the audience whose names were not on the sheets. Either way, it made me so incredibly grateful, again, for the support of others. There were a few people who attended that I was like, "Hmm, I know OF them, but I (we) don't really "KNOW" them." I am very touched by that. But the thing that got me most, as I looked over the names, was the realization that there were 12 teachers/staff from Justin's school there. Twelve. Including every 3rd grade teacher. That was A LOT of substitutes that they had to get that day! Seriously! I was/am shocked! And SO grateful for their support. They've been wonderful to our family through the years, and I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude.
Thanksgiving and gratitude are interesting things. Our nation was built on them. And not just eating turkey, but the principle of gratitude. It's just another daily reminder that there are little and big things for which to be grateful each day. For all of us.
My tulips and daffodils are peaking out of the ground. YAY!
There was this interesting giant rose that shot up out of our rose bush after Adam died. I watched this rose bush intently as time went on, even took some pictures. One giant red rose appeared in the middle, with 3 little red roses surrounding it. It gave me much pause to stop and think during the months that followed Adam's death. There was one smaller rose off to the side, smaller than the 3 roses. The boys and I talked that daddy sent us these roses, that they "were us" in a sense. At the end of the rose-season, I couldn't prune back these roses. So they sat (probably really odd looking) dead in our front yard. Over the weekend Spencer helped me prune. It was time. And I noticed new buds growing already--not flowers yet, but just greenery beginning to grow on the shoots. It reminds me that a new season is upon us. Change will continue. Life will march on. And so will I. So will my boys. I'm getting there. Ready for change. On a lot of different fronts.
I was also looking back on old blog comments. Even though I read them all, somehow I'd blocked out of my mind some of the early posts. It's interesting how things people say to me really don't bother me anymore. I'm starting to "get" a lot of things that I didn't earlier on. I'm not as hypersensitive. I think I've gained perspective in terms of acceptance. I guess it shows progress. I'm chalking it up as "good" points for me.
I think the nature of Adam's death and of our life left me to have a delayed grief to some extent--things were/have been "business" for so long that it took me a while to get down to the nitty-gritty of it all. Yes, I could spout off all the aspects of what exactly he meant to me and my boys and how his death affected us like no others can relate. But it's taken a while to really "feel" it all. Really feel it. And I bawl a lot now, at really random moments sometimes. And I'm not a cry baby by nature--never have been really. So maybe that's good, maybe not. Maybe not good or bad. It just....IS.
But I still wear my wedding ring. I like it. I may always wear it. I like diamonds. And even if I wanted to switch it to my right hand as some widows do....my ring finger is smaller on my left than my right hand!:) I suppose it's from 11 years of wearing a wedding ring, I have a permanent indentation. It's interesting how widows and widowers can be so different in what things bother us, what things we just hold on to of our loved ones, and how we grieve. It's all different. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone though, there are young widows who DO get how this feels. While I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, I'm just glad there are others who do understand.
And lest you become widowed too...have you taken my advice in previous posts? Be prepared. Talk to your spouse. Seriously. It could happen to you too. I suppose, it WILL happen to you (or your spouse) eventually. Might as well chat now while you both have your teeth to do so, right?! :)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Death
Sometimes I don't know if what I write should just be "out there." Sometimes I keep posts private. This set of thoughts is kind of on, well, "the line." We'll see how I feel once I write this, whether to post this set of thoughts.
One of Adam's cousins posted an interesting video link on facebook about a young couple in her area. About a month after this couple was married, the husband was in a car accident and badly injured. I don't know how exactly he would be medically classified, but all I could think about when seeing the video of his "stuck" looking stare and mouth permanently wide open was that Terri Schavo person who was in a persistant vegetative state years ago (there was a fight among her family whether to let her die or continue with her tube feedings, if I remember right), where she would just stare off into space, no talking, sometimes just had a permanent, odd smile on her face.
I've often wondered how I would feel if Adam were here, if he were in a medical state as this woman's husband. Her husband can't talk. He (appears) paralyzed and is in one of those "special" wheelchairs. He can't feed himself, dress himself, take care of any of his bodily functions. She has to to all of it. To keep him "alive." And she is in her early twenties.
How would I feel if I were her, if Adam had been put in that state after only one month of marriage?
I don't have that kind of faith. That is what I've determined. I think Heavenly Father knows that.
And maybe I can say what I'm about to say sort of easily because Adam and I had just had the "what if" discussion. I told him to "pull the plug" on me, if he had to make that decision. As healthcare workers, we had seen numerous times where things were certainly moral dilemmas, in terms of "quality of life" issues. There is a huge gray area in medicine. Certainly I can see why some doctors gain a God complex. It's scary. There is a lot of power involved.
Adam and I had seen plenty of times where family members would rather have their family members' hearts beating, rather than have any sort of normal interaction just to "keep them alive"--to keep that sort of hope. It's an amazing stressor to watch how families react in these life or death situations, how they make (at times) irrational decisions. Because there often isn't a seemingly "easy" or "correct" answer. There are all sorts of ethics that are argued one way or another, things like, "Well, if God wanted them to die, he'd just take them...." stuff that I don't take lightly, nor do I often ascribe to some of the thought processes involved.
So, I guess the bottom line is that I'm glad I didn't have to worry about making these types of decisions for my sweetheart.
Maybe that is where the line is drawn with my faith, I don't know? To watch that young woman care for her husband showed the ultimate in sacrifice and love toward him. Seemingly, anyway.
Yet.
I'm certain Heavenly Father knew that there was no way that I could care for Adam in that state--AND our children. I can't even imagine. Really, I can't. It's hard enough right now. Not only that but people in "that" state rarely live past a few years. It truly is a matter of the clock before pressure sores, pneumonia, infection, etc. People like Christopher Reeve who likely could've had the most expensive and best care imaginable still couldn't be kept alive. Granted, he actually could communicate and show some sort of response for a while. It must be an unbelieveably frustrating thing to be someone who can't communicate due to such a traumatic brain injury, or a stroke, or other disease process.
But it makes me wonder. How I would've done that. Could I have if I had to? I'm tending to think likely not. That that is where Heavenly Father knew he would've simply found me in the Missouri river, given up. That might've been the line. And Adam would NEVER want to live like that, in that state. Wow. That just made me remember a whole part of our "what if" conversation that I'd forgotten about until this very second. Gosh. Heavenly Father prepared me in ways I couldn't have imagined. I'm so grateful for some of those last discussions with Adam.
Sometimes I want to be selfish and wish Adam were here in any form--even in a persistant vegetative state. I get the logic people have of "just keeping them alive." To be able to put my head on his chest and hear his heart beat. To stroke his face and head. To hold his hand. To kiss him. Even if he couldn't respond back. That's the very selfish side of me. Justifiably selfish!
But, I'm grateful that he didn't suffer, that it truly was an instantaneous event. I think all of us want to go just "that quick," feeling no pain.
I've read his autopsy. Because I wanted to. Yes, it's disturbing. I knew it would be. But the one thing that I realized was truly how quick it all happened. For that I'm grateful, that he didn't suffer. Time of accident 8:03. Time pronounced dead, 8:08. It's all just crazy. And since I've dealt with death professionally, I think that I initially really worried about his suffering, because I "know" that one's heart doesn't just instantly stop. I've been in the room as people are taking their last breaths of life, as a heart slowly stops beating. It's been a terrible thing to have family say "I think my mom passed" and to go put my stethoscope on a fragile body to find that this sweet child of God wasn't, by our human definitions, "dead" yet. To have to step out of the room to give the family another few minutes before coming back to pronounce a person dead is a very humbling experience.
Yet, to see that telemetry pads were placed on my Adam, that they checked to see if his heart "really" had stopped sometime before that 5 minute mark is one of the only comforts I feel about "how" he died, that he didn't have to sit there, without me by his side to comfort him through last breaths, that it really was simply that quick.
But still. It doesn't bring him back. It's just awful. It will always be awful. It will never be ok that he died. My heart breaks all over again.
One of Adam's cousins posted an interesting video link on facebook about a young couple in her area. About a month after this couple was married, the husband was in a car accident and badly injured. I don't know how exactly he would be medically classified, but all I could think about when seeing the video of his "stuck" looking stare and mouth permanently wide open was that Terri Schavo person who was in a persistant vegetative state years ago (there was a fight among her family whether to let her die or continue with her tube feedings, if I remember right), where she would just stare off into space, no talking, sometimes just had a permanent, odd smile on her face.
I've often wondered how I would feel if Adam were here, if he were in a medical state as this woman's husband. Her husband can't talk. He (appears) paralyzed and is in one of those "special" wheelchairs. He can't feed himself, dress himself, take care of any of his bodily functions. She has to to all of it. To keep him "alive." And she is in her early twenties.
How would I feel if I were her, if Adam had been put in that state after only one month of marriage?
I don't have that kind of faith. That is what I've determined. I think Heavenly Father knows that.
And maybe I can say what I'm about to say sort of easily because Adam and I had just had the "what if" discussion. I told him to "pull the plug" on me, if he had to make that decision. As healthcare workers, we had seen numerous times where things were certainly moral dilemmas, in terms of "quality of life" issues. There is a huge gray area in medicine. Certainly I can see why some doctors gain a God complex. It's scary. There is a lot of power involved.
Adam and I had seen plenty of times where family members would rather have their family members' hearts beating, rather than have any sort of normal interaction just to "keep them alive"--to keep that sort of hope. It's an amazing stressor to watch how families react in these life or death situations, how they make (at times) irrational decisions. Because there often isn't a seemingly "easy" or "correct" answer. There are all sorts of ethics that are argued one way or another, things like, "Well, if God wanted them to die, he'd just take them...." stuff that I don't take lightly, nor do I often ascribe to some of the thought processes involved.
So, I guess the bottom line is that I'm glad I didn't have to worry about making these types of decisions for my sweetheart.
Maybe that is where the line is drawn with my faith, I don't know? To watch that young woman care for her husband showed the ultimate in sacrifice and love toward him. Seemingly, anyway.
Yet.
I'm certain Heavenly Father knew that there was no way that I could care for Adam in that state--AND our children. I can't even imagine. Really, I can't. It's hard enough right now. Not only that but people in "that" state rarely live past a few years. It truly is a matter of the clock before pressure sores, pneumonia, infection, etc. People like Christopher Reeve who likely could've had the most expensive and best care imaginable still couldn't be kept alive. Granted, he actually could communicate and show some sort of response for a while. It must be an unbelieveably frustrating thing to be someone who can't communicate due to such a traumatic brain injury, or a stroke, or other disease process.
But it makes me wonder. How I would've done that. Could I have if I had to? I'm tending to think likely not. That that is where Heavenly Father knew he would've simply found me in the Missouri river, given up. That might've been the line. And Adam would NEVER want to live like that, in that state. Wow. That just made me remember a whole part of our "what if" conversation that I'd forgotten about until this very second. Gosh. Heavenly Father prepared me in ways I couldn't have imagined. I'm so grateful for some of those last discussions with Adam.
Sometimes I want to be selfish and wish Adam were here in any form--even in a persistant vegetative state. I get the logic people have of "just keeping them alive." To be able to put my head on his chest and hear his heart beat. To stroke his face and head. To hold his hand. To kiss him. Even if he couldn't respond back. That's the very selfish side of me. Justifiably selfish!
But, I'm grateful that he didn't suffer, that it truly was an instantaneous event. I think all of us want to go just "that quick," feeling no pain.
I've read his autopsy. Because I wanted to. Yes, it's disturbing. I knew it would be. But the one thing that I realized was truly how quick it all happened. For that I'm grateful, that he didn't suffer. Time of accident 8:03. Time pronounced dead, 8:08. It's all just crazy. And since I've dealt with death professionally, I think that I initially really worried about his suffering, because I "know" that one's heart doesn't just instantly stop. I've been in the room as people are taking their last breaths of life, as a heart slowly stops beating. It's been a terrible thing to have family say "I think my mom passed" and to go put my stethoscope on a fragile body to find that this sweet child of God wasn't, by our human definitions, "dead" yet. To have to step out of the room to give the family another few minutes before coming back to pronounce a person dead is a very humbling experience.
Yet, to see that telemetry pads were placed on my Adam, that they checked to see if his heart "really" had stopped sometime before that 5 minute mark is one of the only comforts I feel about "how" he died, that he didn't have to sit there, without me by his side to comfort him through last breaths, that it really was simply that quick.
But still. It doesn't bring him back. It's just awful. It will always be awful. It will never be ok that he died. My heart breaks all over again.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Disneyland?
That's what Kinko's smelled like today. It's weird that I have a heightened sense of smell since Adam died. Maybe that's good or my kids wouldn't get their diapers changed? Hmm. Anyway, while at Kinko's, photocopying mounds of paperwork for my attorney, I stood there wondering why it smelled like Disneyland. It took me back to a trip to Disneyland with Adam, standing near the Splash Mountain line. I'm still not sure why Kinko's smelled like this--was it chlorine smelling? Damp smelling? What did the ink and toner cartridges contain exactly? I'm not sure. But once again, it made me sort of space out for a minute, reminiscing to myself.
This weekend was fairly busy. It involved making koolaid playdoh (thanks Alison!) for my son's school economics project, working on a Pinewood Derby car for Cub Scouts, going to Home Depot for their once-a-month Saturday kid project thing (where I learned Spencer is quite talented with a hammer!), Stake Conference Saturday and Sunday, and not getting any naps, unfortunately. I had big plans for those, but Carson has decided to nap opposite times as Spencer. Lovely.
And Spencer has decided my bed is actually his. I had thought we were doing better with the whole sleeping arrangement stuff, but I guess not, it's been bad for a couple weeks again. He's back to creeping into my bed every night, scared, but I'm too tired to chase him out. And he will ONLY sleep right up next to me, poking me, kicking me in the face, no matter how I try to scoot him aside. And people who tell me that kids sleeping in their parents' bed is "normal" or "ok" or "it's a phase" stuff. Well, that's garbage (so don't send me an email and tell me it's a phase, please. This is kid #3 for me. Those nice phrases are so unhelpful at this point.). It's been seven months of dealing with this and I'm dunzo. Done. I'm more than tired. That's not counting all the baby non-sleep before that. Because I had Adam as a buffer with that. How I miss him. I'd much rather his elbow than Spencer's in my bed.
And my stupid home phone is still giving me grief, I don't know why. I've had it worked on by so many people and so I'm doing the only thing left I know to do. Well, one of three options, anyway. We'll see if Cox phone is better than my current situation....and if not I have only two more options on the planet. The phone stuff just takes the cake with my worries and frustrations though--it's one of those "man" jobs that I feel I shouldn't be messing with and so it irritates me to no end to be having to deal with it. But...as I'm learning with a lot of different aspects of my "new life"....Sometimes I just have to suck it up and do things I don't want to do. I hate that. I do that many more times a day than anyone should, really.
And the fact that the whole single-mom phenomenon is considered "normal" and "ok" irks me. It's NOT normal. OR ok. Sometimes necessary for some, but still not good, ideal, or nice. I hate that I'm a single mom.
Sorry. Not too uplifting of a post. Maybe tomorrow will be. My baby will be a year old. We'll see if I can get him to eat a cupcake...since he has a really weird-strong gag reflex and won't eat anything that isn't completely pureed. Oh well, more cupcakes for the rest of us? Bring 'em on!
This weekend was fairly busy. It involved making koolaid playdoh (thanks Alison!) for my son's school economics project, working on a Pinewood Derby car for Cub Scouts, going to Home Depot for their once-a-month Saturday kid project thing (where I learned Spencer is quite talented with a hammer!), Stake Conference Saturday and Sunday, and not getting any naps, unfortunately. I had big plans for those, but Carson has decided to nap opposite times as Spencer. Lovely.
And Spencer has decided my bed is actually his. I had thought we were doing better with the whole sleeping arrangement stuff, but I guess not, it's been bad for a couple weeks again. He's back to creeping into my bed every night, scared, but I'm too tired to chase him out. And he will ONLY sleep right up next to me, poking me, kicking me in the face, no matter how I try to scoot him aside. And people who tell me that kids sleeping in their parents' bed is "normal" or "ok" or "it's a phase" stuff. Well, that's garbage (so don't send me an email and tell me it's a phase, please. This is kid #3 for me. Those nice phrases are so unhelpful at this point.). It's been seven months of dealing with this and I'm dunzo. Done. I'm more than tired. That's not counting all the baby non-sleep before that. Because I had Adam as a buffer with that. How I miss him. I'd much rather his elbow than Spencer's in my bed.
And my stupid home phone is still giving me grief, I don't know why. I've had it worked on by so many people and so I'm doing the only thing left I know to do. Well, one of three options, anyway. We'll see if Cox phone is better than my current situation....and if not I have only two more options on the planet. The phone stuff just takes the cake with my worries and frustrations though--it's one of those "man" jobs that I feel I shouldn't be messing with and so it irritates me to no end to be having to deal with it. But...as I'm learning with a lot of different aspects of my "new life"....Sometimes I just have to suck it up and do things I don't want to do. I hate that. I do that many more times a day than anyone should, really.
And the fact that the whole single-mom phenomenon is considered "normal" and "ok" irks me. It's NOT normal. OR ok. Sometimes necessary for some, but still not good, ideal, or nice. I hate that I'm a single mom.
Sorry. Not too uplifting of a post. Maybe tomorrow will be. My baby will be a year old. We'll see if I can get him to eat a cupcake...since he has a really weird-strong gag reflex and won't eat anything that isn't completely pureed. Oh well, more cupcakes for the rest of us? Bring 'em on!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wolves and Babies
I found the most touching tender mercy in my day today. I was going through Justin's cubscout book, determining what all he needs to accomplish to finish up earning his "Wolf" rank. I was checking off in the back of his book the various requirements. While I have gone through his book previously, I had never scrutinized the "Arrow Points" section towards the back, knowing that it has been more important to get him going on accomplishing his task of Wolf, since he can't receive any of his arrow points awards until his Wolf is complete. But I wanted to check off what arrow points had also been earned. And then I saw it. Adam's signature in three sections of Justin's book, under the Arrow Points--under fishing, camping, and in learning phrases in Spanish. It brought me to tears, as I knew these three areas would have been the most important things to Adam. Fishing and camping were the only things Adam cared about learning in when he was in scouts, and it just made me smile to see his signature all over these sections--he had signed them right after going camping with the boys in June. I'm so glad that they had that one last camping trip together. I remember being worried for bad weather that night, that there were thunder storm warnings out issued in this rural area they went in northern Nebraska that weekend. I remember Adam asking me to text him back and forth to let him know if conditions were changing so he knew. I remember being worried, as things were bad that night and his cell phone reception wasn't too great. But they had found this low lying area, near a giant granite rock that somehow kept them dry from this storm, that the major storm passed them just fine. Adam specifically wanted to go to this area because it was (what he termed) "real fishing" for trout, his favorite (in addition to salmon fishing with his grandpa). He thought that fishing for bass was pointless and very un-fun. I loved that in Justin's scout book he had Justin write out "rainbow trout" in the section that asked what fish they caught. If I remember the fish story right, I think they only caught one or two tiny rainbow trout, so they didn't have trout to eat for dinner--they had to throw them back. My poor kids. They're going to have to learn that chicken is the "other fish." Fish. Yuck. I don't do fish. Salmon occasionally if someone else prepares it REALLY well....but generally, yuck!
Tonight Spencer (seemingly) out of the blue asked "Mom, where do babies come from and how do they grow?" I was very unprepared for that question as I was cooking our dinner of scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast. I looked over to find Spencer with Justin's mini-encyclopedia, turned to the page titled "How Babies Grow" with pictures of a uterus, and pictures of babies and various growing stages. Justin seemed to think he had all the answers (yes, this turned into quite a family discussion). It was a very simple discussion, one I had feared I would be squirming about, but was surprisingly easy. We (Adam and I) had discussed with Justin these things before, but I wasn't so sure how Spencer (he's only three afterall) was going to interpret and take in all this information. We talked about babies growing, mostly. Spencer was bothered that we grow organs, that our arms and legs and heart and all have to grow, and that we look, well, weird when we're only 1 inch in length! But mostly, he was very interested about the umbillical cord, it's role of nutrition, how it goes away, how it stays connected in utero, etc. He asked what it looked like. Hmm, I had to think how to describe it to a 3 year old. I could tell Justin that an umbillical cord contains one vein and two arteries and he'd understand that, but how to tell what it actually looks like? I told him it reminds me of the end of a balloon. Well, of course this brought on new discussion. "I want to SEE an umbillical cord!" Thankfully, I actually have in print a few pictures (a smallish alblum) from when Spencer was born (yeah, one more item for my to-do list, print the 3,000 pictures from the past 11 years and put into albums for easier accessability....there IS a downside to digital cameras! I don't ever print off our pictures!!). I got the album and was able to show Spencer his slimey brand-new self, with his umbillical cord. I noted in the pictures that Adam wasn't such a good picture taker, but there were a couple shots of his umbillical cord. As I remember, Adam got to help "clean up" the cutting of his cord--something that I had also wanted him to be able to do with Carson, but since Carson had trouble after he was born, that didn't happen. Anyway. What a funny mix of discussions we had tonight! Spencer took the encyclopedia to bed tonight to read some more. He's going to be a smart cookie just like his big brother, and just like his Daddy. It's just a bummer that I'm having to do ALL the explaining around here. I told Adam that he'd have some of this responsibility. Good job, Adam. You ducked the throwing of this hymn book too.
Tonight Spencer (seemingly) out of the blue asked "Mom, where do babies come from and how do they grow?" I was very unprepared for that question as I was cooking our dinner of scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast. I looked over to find Spencer with Justin's mini-encyclopedia, turned to the page titled "How Babies Grow" with pictures of a uterus, and pictures of babies and various growing stages. Justin seemed to think he had all the answers (yes, this turned into quite a family discussion). It was a very simple discussion, one I had feared I would be squirming about, but was surprisingly easy. We (Adam and I) had discussed with Justin these things before, but I wasn't so sure how Spencer (he's only three afterall) was going to interpret and take in all this information. We talked about babies growing, mostly. Spencer was bothered that we grow organs, that our arms and legs and heart and all have to grow, and that we look, well, weird when we're only 1 inch in length! But mostly, he was very interested about the umbillical cord, it's role of nutrition, how it goes away, how it stays connected in utero, etc. He asked what it looked like. Hmm, I had to think how to describe it to a 3 year old. I could tell Justin that an umbillical cord contains one vein and two arteries and he'd understand that, but how to tell what it actually looks like? I told him it reminds me of the end of a balloon. Well, of course this brought on new discussion. "I want to SEE an umbillical cord!" Thankfully, I actually have in print a few pictures (a smallish alblum) from when Spencer was born (yeah, one more item for my to-do list, print the 3,000 pictures from the past 11 years and put into albums for easier accessability....there IS a downside to digital cameras! I don't ever print off our pictures!!). I got the album and was able to show Spencer his slimey brand-new self, with his umbillical cord. I noted in the pictures that Adam wasn't such a good picture taker, but there were a couple shots of his umbillical cord. As I remember, Adam got to help "clean up" the cutting of his cord--something that I had also wanted him to be able to do with Carson, but since Carson had trouble after he was born, that didn't happen. Anyway. What a funny mix of discussions we had tonight! Spencer took the encyclopedia to bed tonight to read some more. He's going to be a smart cookie just like his big brother, and just like his Daddy. It's just a bummer that I'm having to do ALL the explaining around here. I told Adam that he'd have some of this responsibility. Good job, Adam. You ducked the throwing of this hymn book too.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Reading
I love how sometimes you just flip open the scriptures and JUST what you need to read for that day is there, right in front of you. This happened to me yesterday and I'm forever grateful. I think I'm going to reread Alma 42 today too, as there is so much important information to be read and understood. It goes along with the following quote that I read recently from the prophet Joseph Smith:
“All men know that they must die. And it is important that we should understand the reasons and causes of our exposure to the vicissitudes of life and of death, and the designs and purposes of God in our coming into the world, our sufferings here, and our departure hence. What is the object of our coming into existence, then dying and falling away, to be here no more? It is but reasonable to suppose that God would reveal something in reference to the matter, and it is a subject we ought to study more than any other. We ought to study it day and night, for the world is ignorant in reference to their true condition and relation. If we have any claim on our Heavenly Father for anything, it is for knowledge on this important subject” (Joseph Smith, History of the Church, 6:50).
Alma Chapter 42:
Mortality is a probationary time to enable man to repent and serve God—The Fall brought temporal and spiritual death upon all mankind—Redemption comes through repentance—God himself atones for the sins of the world—Mercy is for those who repent—All others are subject to God’s justice—Mercy comes because of the Atonement—Only the truly penitent are saved. About 74 B.C.
1And now, my son, I perceive there is somewhat more which doth worry your mind, which ye cannot understand—which is concerning the ajustice of God in the bpunishment of the sinner; for ye do try to suppose that it is cinjustice that the sinner should be consigned to a state of misery.
2Now behold, my son, I will explain this thing unto thee. For behold, after the Lord God sent our first parents forth from the garden of aEden, to till the bground, from whence they were taken—yea, he drew out the man, and he placed at the east end of the garden of Eden, ccherubim, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the tree of life—
3Now, we see that the man had become as God, knowing good and evil; and lest he should put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat and live forever, the Lord God placed acherubim and the flaming sword, that he should not partake of the fruit—
4And thus we see, that there was a atime granted unto man to repent, yea, a bprobationary time, a time to repent and serve God.
5For behold, if Adam had put forth his hand immediately, and apartaken of the btree of life, he would have lived forever, according to the word of God, having no space for repentance; yea, and also the word of God would have been void, and the great plan of salvation would have been frustrated.
6But behold, it was appointed unto man to adie—therefore, as they were cut off from the tree of life they should be cut off from the face of the earth—and man became blost forever, yea, they became cfallen man.
7And now, ye see by this that our first parents were acut off both temporally and spiritually from the bpresence of the Lord; and thus we see they became subjects to follow after their own cwill.
8Now behold, it was not expedient that man should be reclaimed from this atemporal death, for that would destroy the great bplan of happiness.
9Therefore, as the soul could never die, and the afall had brought upon all mankind a spiritual bdeath as well as a temporal, that is, they were cut off from the presence of the Lord, it was expedient that mankind should be reclaimed from this spiritual death.
10Therefore, as they had become acarnal, sensual, and devilish, by bnature, this cprobationary state became a state for them to prepare; it became a preparatory state.
11And now remember, my son, if it were not for the plan of redemption, (laying it aside) as soon as they were dead their souls were amiserable, being cut off from the presence of the Lord.
12And now, there was no means to reclaim men from this fallen state, which aman had brought upon himself because of his own bdisobedience;
13Therefore, according to justice, the aplan of bredemption could not be brought about, only on conditions of repentance of men in this probationary state, yea, this preparatory state; for except it were for these conditions, mercy could not take effect except it should destroy the work of justice. Now the work of justice could not be destroyed; if so, God would ccease to be God.
14And thus we see that all mankind were afallen, and they were in the grasp of bjustice; yea, the justice of God, which consigned them forever to be cut off from his presence.
15And now, the plan of mercy could not be brought about except an atonement should be made; therefore God himself aatoneth for the sins of the world, to bring about the plan of bmercy, to appease the demands of cjustice, that God might be a dperfect, just God, and a emerciful God also.
16Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a apunishment, which also was beternal as the life of the soul should be, affixed copposite to the plan of happiness, which was as deternal also as the life of the soul.
17Now, how could a man repent except he should asin? How could he sin if there was no blaw? How could there be a law save there was a punishment?
18Now, there was a punishment affixed, and a just law given, which brought remorse of aconscience unto man.
19Now, if there was no law given—if a man amurdered he should bdie—would he be afraid he would die if he should murder?
21And if there was ano law given, if men sinned what could justice do, or mercy either, for they would have no claim upon the creature?
22But there is a law given, and a apunishment affixed, and a brepentance granted; which repentance, mercy claimeth; otherwise, justice claimeth the creature and executeth the claw, and the law inflicteth the punishment; if not so, the works of justice would be destroyed, and God would cease to be God.
23But God ceaseth not to be God, and amercy claimeth the penitent, and mercy cometh because of the batonement; and the atonement bringeth to pass the cresurrection of the dead; and the dresurrection of the dead bringeth eback men into the presence of God; and thus they are restored into his presence, to be fjudged according to their works, according to the law and justice.
24For behold, justice exerciseth all his demands, and also amercy claimeth all which is her own; and thus, none but the truly penitent are saved.
25What, do ye suppose that amercy can rob bjustice? I say unto you, Nay; not one whit. If so, God would cease to be God.
26And thus God bringeth about his great and eternal apurposes, which were prepared bfrom the foundation of the world. And thus cometh about the salvation and the redemption of men, and also their destruction and misery.
27Therefore, O my son, awhosoever will come may come and partake of the waters of life freely; and whosoever will not come the same is not compelled to come; but in the last day it shall be brestored unto him according to his cdeeds.
28If he has desired to do aevil, and has not repented in his days, behold, evil shall be done unto him, according to the restoration of God.
29And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things atrouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance.
30O my son, I desire that ye should deny the ajustice of God no more. Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point because of your sins, by denying the justice of God; but do you let the justice of God, and his bmercy, and his long-suffering have full sway in your heart; and let it bring you down to the dust in chumility.
31And now, O my son, ye are called of God to apreach the word unto this people. And now, my son, go thy way, declare the word with truth and soberness, that thou mayest bbring souls unto repentance, that the great plan of mercy may have claim upon them. And may God grant unto you even according to my words. Amen