Creamslush. Yum.

Any day that ends in a strawberry Creamslush and a hot shower should be deemed good, right? I think so. Justin was sans fever today, so off to school he went. After coming home from school with a 102.5 fever on Monday and then two subsequent days home from school, it was time for him to be on his merry way back to school today. Which worked out nicely. The REST of us had plans today. Today was Spencer's preschool class field trip to the zoo. Apparently it was also field trip day for a bazillion other kids in town. It was a busy day at the zoo. The Omaha zoo is GIANT and is rated one of the best zoos in the U.S. One could easily spend an entire day there (if they wanted to be downright completely exhausted!), but we usually only spend an hour or two at most, visiting our favorite exhibits. Today's expedition was a 4 1/2 hour jaunt through the zoo. And with Carson in tow, I was a little nervous. But it ended up being a lovely day. Only one meltdown from Spencer, and it was at the end of our trip. Whew. We saw the newly remodeled aquarium (LOVE the new jellyfish area. So much better than what it once was!), and saw the Madagascar exhibit that opened a year ago...that somehow we've missed. The zoo is just that big that I didn't realize we missed that one. Spencer has a VERY busy class and I was relieved to see that many parents showed up to help. It's a really good thing. We enjoyed a picnic outside and it's always fun to watch how a bunch of 4 year olds interact with the world. Saw one of my old nursing school friends at the zoo with her now-toddler twins. It's amazing what a few years will do to change life. I didn't get a chance to really chat as we were separated by a million kids. But it brought me back that I had gotten a note from her when the boys were in the hospital after the crash. She was an ICU nurse there. I remember Adam used to come home, telling me that she said to tell me hi. I think one of my highlights of the day was the phone call from an old friend that I worked with on my old oncology floor. There's something so great about hearing from old friends. I miss that girl! I wish she didn't live so far away. But there's something about her life now, living in a small town, that appeals to me. Our lettuce that we planted last week is sprouting. That's exciting. The strawberries that we also planted...not so much. I bought that strawberry planter before Adam died so I was suspecting that they wouldn't work. I'll give them a few more weeks before I buy big strawberry plants to plant in it. I BBQ'd a tritip yesterday, so we had leftovers that we made into tritip sandwiches. It made me feel like I was at Brad's. It's funny that those are the things I miss about California. I do so miss the beach. It's that deep-rooted California blood of mine. I mowed the lawn today. Again--I did it Monday. And since I think I've broken my weedwhacker (), I got out the hedge trimmers to clip (yes, by hand) all the stuff that needed a good clipping...the stuff by the side of the yard was over a foot tall, yikes. I've determined that I either need someone to commit to coming and weed whacking monthly or I need to buy a tool that is more simple to use. There must be such a tool. I found myself very grateful for the men that so diligently helped keep our yard looking nice after Adam died. It is a pain to do lawn/yard care. I think of their kindness every time I mow. Justin had football practice tonight. And this was the one big heartbreaker for the day. On the drive over, Justin told me that he's never going to learn how to throw a football because he doesn't have a dad. You know, I'm a fairly capable woman (so I've determined). I may not be an Olympic athlete, but I know how to play most sports. BUT. I have tried my whole life to properly throw a spiraling football. I just can't do it! ARGH! So...I'm on a mission to find some male friends to teach me how to throw a football--it MUST be possible for me to learn! I'm realistic in knowing that having someone consistently helping Justin with this task just won't happen...so I need to be able to throw one in order to help teach Justin. I'm adding this task to my must-do list. Spencer fell asleep at 6pm. He probably would've slept through the night had we not been in our van, taking Justin to football practice. I got everyone a treat at Sonic tonight (How I've missed Sonic! Probably good that the Sonic that Adam and I frequented by our home was demolished!), so Spencer woke up for that when we got home. I put Carson to bed and told the big boys to finish their treats while I took a shower. I told them to be in bed, ready for me to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight when I got out of the shower. I didn' expect much by my request (just being real) and was SHOCKED to find that Spencer was asleep in his bed when I got out of the shower. I guess he needs a 4 1/2 hour trip to the zoo everyday. All in all, a good day.

Kansas City Temple Open House

During our trip we were able to stay with my brother, sister in law, and niece. We were able to check out KU's campus where my brother is going to school. Good times, great to be with family. Thanks A & J!!

Although it is hard to tell because the sun was setting, we are standing there in front of the temple.

Kansas City holds some special memories of Adam for me. We enjoyed taking trips down there through the years. When I heard of the building of a temple down there, I knew it would be special. But more than anything, I was most excited to be able to take my little boys inside and show them how special the temple is.

Temples are fundamental to my religious beliefs. They date back to the Old Testament and current temples are patterned after the temples God designed in biblical times. The references in the scriptures show the vital place they are to be in our lives. Temples are houses of God and as such, only those keeping certain standards are able to go inside once they are dedicated. When they are built, there is a period of time that the public is invited in--anyone and everyone is allowed to come in and tour the temple. But after the temple is dedicated (when a specific member of our church, having authority, gives a special dedicatory prayer) then only those who have met with their ecclesiastical leaders and who meet certain standards may go inside.

I remember vividly when the beautiful San Diego temple was built and had its open house. I remember being able to go through its open house and feeling like I was walking into heaven. I remember certain rooms, the grandeur--but mostly the peace that is felt therein.

Anyhow. Generally, children do not go in temples. And it was with that knowledge that taking the boys was important to me. I knew I needed to be able to look in the mirrors that go on forever (symbolizing eternal families) and stand with my boys, and to be reminded of the eternal nature of my family. What a great, very unique experience that was. When asked what he liked most about the temple, Spencer replied, "Looking into the mirror that went on forever."

My hope is that the boys will remember how they felt as we toured the temple and that they'll want to return again one day when they are older and ready to understand the significance of the temple. How grateful I am that we have so many temples in our midst. We are blessed.

To learn more about temples, go here.

Bob and Haircuts

Weird, weird weird stuff. Yesterday at 8:08 am, Justin said, "Hey, look Mom! The clock says "BOB!" When I saw the digital clock, I had an odd feeling come over me. 8:08 means something totally different to me, something Justin isn't aware of. 8:08 was the time of death printed on Adam's death certificate. 8:03 was the crash (probably based on the 911 calls) and 8:08 was when they pronounced him dead. I often wonder how much before that time that the police arrived. I know it was before that--I know that they put pads on Adam to attempt to revive him. But he was already long gone. Five minutes could feel like an eternity. I know Justin always says how it felt like he waited in the car of the man who helped him out of Adam's car for "like forever." Ugh.

The thing about Justin's "Bob" comment was what he doesn't realize (because he never heard anyone call Adam by that name) that was Adam's nickname from some of his friends...from Adam's younger years. So it was a weird coincidence. But it gets weirder. We then got in the car to go to school. What did my odometer read? 808. Yep. Our little trip to Kansas City upped the miles on our new "borrowed" (as Spencer calls it) car. 808. What's up with THAT? It was all the more annoying-nagging when Justin noticed the 8:08 time again this morning.

Tonight, after my monthly night out with my young widowed group, I ran to get a quick haircut since I had 30 minutes before going to relieve my friend who was watching the boys. I then realized that the haircut place (where I'd never stepped foot into previously) was the one where Adam went because he didn't like the one closer to our house where I would occasionally take our boys. The hairdresser and I got to talking and somehow my being widowed with little boys came up. And then she started in on the questions. How long? How did it happen? What did my husband do for a living? Bam. Then she pieced together who we were. She said that when she saw Adam on the news that she ran and called a friend--that she remembered that he was one of her clients. So she started up on the usual (none-of-anyones-business) questions--Where is the guy that did this? How long is he in jail? Did he have insurance? What happened to all the student loans? How are the boys? How AM I DOING? How do I do this alone without family around.....BLAH! But then came the funny one. "You're not wearing your wedding ring? Do you wear it anymore?" I answered truthfully, that sometimes I do, but not much anymore. She then went off on how she would "NEVER remarry" if this were her. When I reminded her that I have 2/3 of my life left and that being alone without a companion ever again is a very difficult thing, she stopped a bit to think on that, as though it were a plausible answer. I just sort of smirked in my head. People are interesting how they think it is their business to give you the third degree. But then, it was so stereotypical, chatting with a hairdresser. I mused to myself how it is a good thing I'm this far out. If it had been only 6 months since he had died, I probably would've wigged out on her. I'm glad that I can answer questions like that easier now, that they roll off my tongue and I know how much (how little) to say.

Ah. Another day in widowed world. I wonder how my hair will look when I try to "do" it tomorrow. Good luck to me.

Praying for Rain

I don't think I have to. By all accounts of the weathermen, it is going to rain a lot over the next few days. Which may backfire on me--hopefully it isn't too much. I just got through putting down fertilizer/weed killer to the lawn and patching the areas that need some new seed. And now I'm sitting outside. It is perfect. It feels like the coast, the sky is clear, the sun is down, the interstate is quiet, and it is 58 degrees. I think the only thing that could make this better would be to have a sweet companion at my side enjoying the night air. Gosh. I hate that. It is difficult not to let my mind wander to that. Over and over.

I also hated seeing one of the male neighbors taking out his family's trash. Why do I let stuff like that get to me? It's so dumb. They don't realize how much my seeing stuff like that just eats at me and pierces me to the core, and it isn't their fault--it's the division of labor that should take place in a home. I guess it's like all of the times we get annoyed with silly things that people do or say (or am I the only one that does that?) and they don't have a clue that we're annoyed--the fault is with us and the ball is in our court to let it go. Easier said than done sometimes.

As I was wrestling Carson this evening and trying desperately to get out his splinters in his hands (I think he got them from playing by our fence--oh the joy it has been to send them all outside to play!!) that were many and were very deep, I again thought of how Adam could help me with that task. While I tried to bat the thought away, I knew in that moment that even if Adam were around, he couldn't have helped that situation. I know how he was afraid to cut the boys' nails...much less break out a needle and tweezers to perform kiddie surgery. It's so silly because I know he wouldn't have done it--it would've been me.

Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe the fact that I learned to be independent to an extent in our relationship was helpful to my well being now. Certainly it has given me more confidence, knowing that I'm not a helpless woman who can't do things on her own.

Rotella's smells so good tonight. SO GOOD. Living between a giant italian bread factory and a Tyson bacon plant have their perks. You'd think that I'd weigh 90 pounds because smelling this stuff should be good enough, right? Ha. I wish.

I still long for him. I often wonder if I always will. Or if I will be able to put him on a shelf at some point and not just ache to my core. I mean, my remarried widowed friends, I often wonder how that is for them. When they get frustrated with their current spouse or relationship, does their mind wander right back to their dead spouse? I read enough commentary from such widows/widowers to know that they still hurt and wish for their former spouse. I don't know.

No amount of pillows, no amount of what the kids call "daddy smell" on those pillows makes sleeping better. I mean, the shock of him not lying next to me is gone--but I still say "DANG" every morning. I've tried different tactics. I've tried laying pillows in his spot while I sleep. I've tried a fuzzy blanket in his space. I've tried lying in his space. But nothing is the same. I HATE IT. HATE.

I've tried over and over to write the talk I've been asked to present for stake conference. Speaking for hundreds of people is scary, but I suppose I've done it plenty. I'm wrestling with how to present the topic I've been given. The topic is one I feel overwhelmed to give, but I knew when I saw the caller ID that I was supposed to do this--there was no way to say no. I often wonder when that confidence will come. Public speaking is something everyone in our church does from a young age, and they all seem to do it well. Hmm. We shall see. Hopefully someday. I will keep praying.

Memories

I don't know how we got to chatting at bedtime tonight, but I think Spencer said something about wanting me to talk about fun times with Adam. Since Spencer generally asks about hiking with Adam most nights lately for his bedtime Daddy story (from watching our family movie of our hike to Rancheria Falls in CA) I was thinking about other hikes I took with Adam. I told him one of my favorites, hiking to Big Pools at night with Adam when we were dating (maybe even engaged at this point). I remember he took me off some main road a ways...I sort of thought "WHERE is he TAKING ME??!" In truth (I left this part out, boys) I thought he was just taking me some place to make out. :) So we parked the car in the middle of the woods, he jumps out of his car and gets a flashlight out of his trunk. And then we went off to hike by the moonlight. It must've been a full moon because the moon was super bright. I remember nearly falling down, tripping on fallen branches and tree limbs along the path, multiple times. But his hands would catch my fall. Eventually we met up with some of his friends who (now that I think about it...they weren't parked near Adam's car, so I don't know WHERE Adam must've taken me to park!) were down by Big Pools, having a bon fire. Some of his brave friends were jumping off the falls. The only people I remember for sure that night were Bry Dunkle, Beth and Tim with baby Darcy, and John Daley. I think Matt and Mark were there too, but that part is sort of fuzzy. I mostly remember Adam. It was a beautiful night. I don't think I had met many of his friends at this point (so maybe we weren't engaged quite yet) so maybe that's why this was a memorable night. Or maybe it was because it was such a picture-perfect night. I realize now that I have a lot of those with Adam. Which is good. My brain needs to have a nice love story to remember since it may very well be all I have to dwell on for the rest of my life. Anyway, I remember hiking back to the car at the end of the night. I remember how he felt as he kissed me under the moonlight. I remember.

The boys just got the hiking version of the story. Typical boys. That's all they wanted to hear about, parading like Robinhood in the forrest. Ahh, I love these little boys. They're each like Adam in their own little ways. Mischievous, intelligent, always scheming, and always with a little glimmer in their eyes. I always knew when Adam was up to something. I'm glad that I don't have to wonder when my boys are up to something--they get that same little glimmer in their eyes, just like their Daddy.

Wishes

Last night I used a gift certificate to get a pedicure. I nearly cried, it was so amazing. Some friends of mine took my boys for the night and I enjoyed a quiet night to myself. It was needed. I'm grateful for good friends who think outside the box and realize what I "really" need. I realized when that lady was giving me my pedicure that I haven't been touched by another human being in so long. I had a pedicure with my sister/sister in law/and mom around New Year's, so I guess it's been a few months. My parents gave me a hug when they drove through Omaha a couple days ago, and I realized that even that felt strange since I don't get hugs from people really these days. I think I'm through to another slump of just needing physical contact. Somewhere in my studies I remember hearing that babies die if they aren't touched, given any sort of human touch--that that fact has been studied and the phenomenon is real. I feel that sort of death in me and short of tattooing "PLEASE HUG ME" on my forehead, I'm sort of going nuts over this. I just need a giant bear hug. From a man. Any man. Mind you, this isn't about sex. It really isn't. Well, it sort of is. But it's more than that. I'm just to the point of needing ANY contact. I've heard other widows talk about how people--their friends' husbands--going out of the way to give them a hug when they see them at church and stuff. I'm also well aware that most men just aren't that way, or it would be viewed as "weird" to hug the lonely widow. I totally get that. But I'm seriously dying inside. I can't imagine where I'd be without my kids to at least give me some sort of a hug daily. Thank goodness for Carson, since he's the only one who will really snuggle up to me any more. But it isn't the same. I've learned a lot lately from my single mom friends. The two that I'm thinking of right now have each endured A LOT. Both have special needs children. Both have battled cancer. Both have endured awful marriages. Both are VERY strong women. And both are very good examples to me. They have a can-do attitude. They figure out how to fix things in their houses. They don't just make due, but they "make it happen." On my last visit to one of these ladies' houses, she took me into her master bedroom to show me her demolition job that she is doing herself of her bathroom. Sledgehammer and drywall on the floor, I realized just how amazing she is. She does her best in everything, but more importantly, she has an attitude that if she doesn't like something happening to her, she does something about it. When she needs something "for her" she figures out a way to make it happen. When work isn't going well, she figures out a way to make it better--she has found new jobs when needed. When her children have needed different approaches to aid them in their learning, she finds a way to make it happen. When she decided that she needed to eat certain foods to make her body feel better, she made it happen. She finds a way to get a massage monthly because she knows the physical needs that loom when one is single. My other friend finds a way to do things on her own when she knows what needs to happen. These women know how to navigate an assessment of what they need and how to make it happen. They are amazing examples to me. I think my tendency is to whine and complain, just because lately. I realize how I have needed good examples in my life to strengthen my hope. I also know how very blessed I am to have knowledgeable people in my life--about all things. So even though I can't figure everything out, I am still reminded that I am not on my own--that Heavenly Father places good people in my path to make all of this crazy possible. And to top it off, I got to hear this talk last weekend by Elder Baxter. Inspired words that so many single parent women (and men) needed to hear. I went looking for the original quote from President Hinckley this morning that Elder Baxter relays about the story of the single woman with the 7 children. I was most interested to find the line that he left out when he quoted the original quote. "You would never wish to come back." This is a phrase that has come to me as I've contemplated my own mortality. I know that I pray sometimes to just be whisked away so I can be with Adam again. But the reality is that I know I am needed by my children and that they have their own legacy to leave behind. I know that I have purpose here, even in the midst of so desperately wanting to just go away. So I stay and will live out my life and try to find meaning, purpose and learning. And I need to put a monthly massage and pedicure on the calendar like my smart friend. Sorry, blogger is doing weird formatting things...hopefully the spacing will get fixed eventually.