Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Patience...Again.

I was reminded again last week about the importance of patience. This was the last talk Adam and I studied together, and I read the selected quotes from this talk the other day and haven't been able to get them out of my mind. The entire talk is found here. I am grateful for inspired leaders who speak the word of the Lord.

DIETER F. UCHTDORF:

"Patience [is] far more than simply waiting for something to happen—-patience require[s] actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results [don’t] appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel. The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple. In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.

Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.

Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels. Patience is truly a fruit of the Spirit.

Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich.

Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.” Ultimately, patience means being “firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord” 9every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so. In the words of John the Revelator, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and … faith [in] Jesus.” 10

Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls. 11 Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls. 12 Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. This was true in the time of the Savior.

To paraphrase the Psalmist of old, if we wait patiently for the Lord, He will incline unto us. He will hear our cries. He will bring us out of a horrible pit and set our feet upon a solid rock. He will put a new song in our mouths, and we will praise our God. Many around us will see it, and they will trust in the Lord. 14
The work of patience boils down to this: keep the commandments; trust in God, our Heavenly Father; serve Him with meekness and Christlike love; exercise faith and hope in the Savior; and never give up. The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Real Intent

‎"It is not enough to ask with a sincere heart, having faith in Christ. We must also ask with real intent. Real intent requires a commitment to act upon the truth when the Lord reveals it. Without real intent, what we are asking the Lord is merely an academic question, meaning that whatever the answer is, it won’t affect our behavior. The Lord does not promise to answer an academic question."
Life's Lesson Learned - Dallin H Oaks

A Birthday Party

Justin has had one 'real' birthday party in his life...before Friday night. It isn't because I'm an awful mom (I hope!). It is because Adam and I felt like it was a bit ridiculous to have giant parties every year for each kiddo. It's also probably because that was how we were raised too, he and I could count what years we had parties and specifically remember each party. In our family, celebrating has usually been a small family thing for us, and that suits me just fine.

I asked Justin what he wanted to do this year and he said he wanted to have a few friends over to play the Wii and play legos. It was so age-10-year-old-typical. So he had a few over to eat pizza and have chocolate birthday cake. I was sort of dreading this, not knowing how the little boys would do with everyone, but it turned out great. I laughed at the conversation over dinner. These 'big' ten year olds, telling their family stories about who burps the best in their families, who tooted (no...they didn't use that terminology....) and family stories to go with. I thought to myself, it's good to know how Justin probably talks when he goes to other friends' houses. Lovely! :)

As I sat in the adjacent rooms, it was fun to sort of be a fly on the wall for once. I found it interesting the couple times where Adam was brought up by these kiddos. At one point during pizza, someone asked Spencer where he got his long eyelashes. I watched Spencer sit up taller in his chair and say proudly, "My dad. I have eyelashes like my dad. I'm going to be just like my dad." And then when I called Carson by his full name, the other boys asked Justin, "Your middle name is your dad's--'Adam,' right?" I sort chuckled to myself and nearly got teary as I thought how much Adam would enjoy these little boys sitting around our kitchen table, eating. Just about that time, my phone dinged. It was my sister. She is in our California hometown for the summer doing an internship. Since she can be directionally challenged (or so is the excuse) she hadn't gone out to Adam's grave. Until that moment. At that moment, she sent me pictures of Adam's grave, soaking wet by the sprinklers that were soaking her and her friend who went out to his grave with her. In some small way, Adam was integral to the evening, at least in my mind. I needed that. I needed his support. It was weird to be the lone parent putting on a birthday party.

The boys played so great, it was WONDERFUL. I realized how THIS is how I remember my childhood, being able to just play with friends all of the time. It is a bummer that our neighborhood really doesn't have kids in it. I think it still makes me antsy at times, wanting to move somewhere else. But I know I can't replicate my childhood. I just wish there were a few more things in place to make life a little better for my boys (like friends, a flat backyard, a pool, and a bit more space), but it's ok. I'm realizing how much more adaptable I have to be. Sometimes I think I'm learning in that regard, but then I know in my heart my stubbornness does not help my adaptability. Maybe in time.

We finished out the night by heading to La Vista Days after all the friends left. One of my and Adam's favorite things about Omaha is all the fireworks shows throughout the summer months. Probably stems from living in a desert-like risk-for-fire climate growing up, there simply weren't a million big stadium fireworks shows, other than after some of the minor league baseball games. So all the little cities here have these week-long carnivals that usually end in a giant fireworks show. I realized that the fireworks show for La Vista would be about the time Justin's party ended, but we managed to load up the car and wind our way to the perfect viewing spot. Perfect. The fireworks started while we were driving but since the shows are so long, we managed to drive to a parking lot and watch the last 15 minutes. The boys--ALL 3--thought they were awesome. It was so cute. Even Carson, who I thought would be scared by the noise, kept squealing in delight with every loud boom. I told Justin that he had quite the celebration for his birthday!

Even though I was ready to throw in the towel with the lack of cooperation from the boys in preparing the party, I'm glad everything came together. Fun was had by all. The confetti kept Carson amused, and Spencer thought it was cool to have all these big boys over. He tried to be one of them, and thankfully they were good sports with letting Spencer join in on the legos.

Whew.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Summertime

Well, it's here! Summer. I don't totally know what we are going to do with our time yet, but here we are!

A part of me wants a lazy summer. The kind where we sleep in every day and the kids just hang around in shorts and swimsuits. But nope. I realize that this is likely my last summer home with them all, so it needs to he a mix of productivity and fun.

For my sanity (and my health) I upped my gym attendance this week. I know that the moment I set out a plan it will likely be thwarted, but I can attempt. Carson has been getting up at 5:30 all week, so I'm trying to just go with it and get some work done early this morning. What Carson doesn't realize is that I am moving him out of my room this week. Since he's still not sleeping all that great and still keeping me up, it is time for him to get used to a big boy bed. Bye bye baby.

So I really do want to have a bit of structure to this summer. I plan to take the kids to the gym daily so I can workout, and then we can all go swimming. We'll have library day. Zoo day. Naptime daily (reading time for Justin). We can go walk the lakes. Go for bike rides. Water balloon fights. Kiddie pools and Slip n Slides. Ticket to Ride marathons. Cooking lessons for the boys. Cleaning lessons for the boys. Yep. It's going to be perfect.

If I keep this rosy picture in my head, it'll happen, right? Positive thinking. Yep.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Father and Sons

I just read an article in the newspaper that talked about a prominent Omaha woman who just died...at the age of 107. While that was a feat all on its own, I think my gasp was audible when I read that she was widowed at the age of 59--AND SPENT 49 YEARS OF HER LIFE ALONE AS A WIDOW. FORTY NINE. Seriously, I think I will poke my eyes out with a stick if I stumble upon 49 years of widowhood. That's just crazy. I won't go for that. Nope. That puts a whole different spin on what my lonely nights are like. 49. N-O.

Last night was the father and sons campout. I was grateful for a good home teacher/family friend who asked to take my boys with him before I even knew about the outing. He's a smart man. He probably knew that I would've freaked out if I had heard the announcement about this campout from the pulpit instead of from him beforehand. Whew. I'm so grateful he took the boys. They had a blast. Spencer fell asleep at 6pm tonight. I think between camping (staying up late) and his last game of his soccer season today, he was very worn out.

It was fun breaking out all the camping gear so the Justin and Spencer could go. I realized that when it comes to camping, even though I don't particularly like to get dirty, I REALLY enjoy camping gadgets. It was fun to go through our collection of stuff, knowing that if Adam had been taking the boys that they'd have gone fishing, he would've taken a lot more gear with him. But relatively simple camping is a good thing. I hope to get brave enough to take the boys camping again this year. We had a good time camping last year.

I was reminiscing to myself today, trying to determine what exactly I would deem as the most difficult aspects of Adam's absence. As I heard about another potential soon to be youngish widower situation, I was thinking about all the things that I wish I could say to this person, what I wish I could do. Nothing. There's just not much I can do. That is tough. I wish I could take all the pain and hurt away, but for those of us who go through this very personal struggle, the pain and the hurt are just part of the process that leads to healing and learning. At least, I sure hope that's the purpose of all of this. If not, that whole poking myself in the eye with a stick thing comes back to mind.

So I made a mental list of the stuff that still bothers me, stuff that I miss, and stuff that I see daily that is still a physical reminder of his absence. I miss his stinky gym clothes, doing his laundry, his messy car, seeing his empty spot in the garage which housed his car--the stains from all the salt still blacken the garage floor, I miss his lips and I still put on "his" flavor chapstick when I need to be in that place with him mentally, I still miss his wallet and keys piled in the same place in the kitchen, I miss his scruffy face in the evenings. Yes, I'd forgotten about his scruffy face. And how sometimes he'd shave again in the evenings, just because his face hurt mine when he'd come home from work and kiss me. I just miss his gentleness. His thoughtfulness. I don't think it exists in any other man.

As I am considering going back to work on my old floor in the fall, I have been thinking about my approach to death and how I will view my experience helping families through their loved ones deaths. I am a changed person. Of course, the first question is CAN I handle it? I think so. And of course the obvious other question is WHY would I want to go back? I have lots of reasons. Some practical, some not. One thing I've thought about is that I will know differently now. I think I will feel more competent now. I don't say that in a snotty sort of way, but I 'get' death very differently now. I will know what things I wish I had been able to do, simple things that these families may still have the opportunity to do. And I will probably be a different sort of advocate for my patients than I once was. I'm still thinking on this. I have five months to decide. I am praying that it'll all come together. I believe the right thing will work out somehow.

I also feel very strongly that I have five months to figure some other things out for myself. To get myself in order. I think it feels good to have a timeline. I have needed that structure, I think. It's time to dig deep and get to work.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Building 'Our' Mansion

I came to a really strangely strong impression that the spirit gave me today. Interesting when I come upon those times were I just sort of "know." I was day dreaming of the home that I would love to build someday. You know, that one where I have the perfect backyard for my kids to play in, the perfect play room, the perfect pink craft/sewing room, the perfect little library with the comfy giant beanbag chair and the beautiful floor to ceiling shelves to house the millions of books that are all over my house and in boxes in the basement, complete with the little ladder thing that is on the track that can circle this room of books...and on and on and on go my dreams.

I know that it's maybe slightly dumb to day dream about things like this when other matters are much more pressing in my life. No one better than me knows that "stuff" really doesn't matter, that having someone in the flesh to be there to love you and care about you matters a bazillion times more than a pile of money to burn. Funny what insight having a spouse die does to a person. But nevertheless, I daydream. Dream of just the right job and the right babysitting situation for my family. Dream of the perfect little place in the U.S. to live, where politics aren't bad, where people and neighborhoods aren't bad, where I don't worry about my kids getting killed by a drunk driver or other social ills, where the weather is perfect, where the schools are ideal, where the church is strong and the youth hold to their standards, where health care is excellent and health insurance makes sense, where there is no cancer causing societal elements, where all my extended family can live in one little place so cousins and 2nd cousins can play and I don't worry about family job situations or money, mental health and other health problems....yes. A utopia.

I know it doesn't exist. But it's nice to dream.

I say sometimes to people how I hope Adam is "building them a mansion" where he's at, for I know so many who deserve such good things, comforts of life, ways to ease their wearied minds. It's sort of dumb every time I say it, because I "know" that isn't what he's doing. So, I had this thought again today (I used that same phrase yesterday too, I do realize), and right as I realized this thought, I was brought back to my knowledge.

Doctrinally, I don't believe heaven is "up there" or "out there" as some believe their deceased loved ones are merely sitting on a cloud--I believe 'heaven' is right here. NOT in the sense that we live our lives, because obviously we can't see our loved ones who have passed away--for the post mortal spirit world is on a different plane than we live right now. But I do believe that the earth will be renewed and be made perfected--to receive its "paradisiacal glory."--that "paradise" or "heaven" IS INDEED right here on the earth. We will dwell here again someday, after everything prophesied in the scriptures takes place.

As I had this thought of "Adam building a mansion," a new thought came to me. Granted, this part is NOT necessarily the doctrine of my church, but just a sense that I had. I had the thought come to me of "what kind of home am I making here on earth, because it is ME who is 'building the mansion' for which we will live someday." HUH! I mean, I don't necessarily believe we will come back to this exact home because who knows what the earth will look like perfected some day. But it made me think--what if THIS was IT!?! And I wasn't having the guilty set of thoughts I have about my generally dirty disaster of a house. It made me think of every aspect to coincide with cleanliness and the symbolism of cleanliness of our homes. What kinds of things do we do with our bodies and minds to keep them (or should keep them) like temples? And likewise, what do we do to keep our homes like temples?

And what if I really am building 'our' mansion? Is it all about granite and all the perfect things that I would love to do to my dream house? Maybe? But it makes me think beyond that, about what my reasoning is for wanting such things. Is it to simply be comfortable and be appreciative of the beauties that surround us and those possibilities? Yeah. I think so. But I know in my heart there's a lot more depth to the concept of "making a home." It is much more internal than I think we realize.

Anyway. I will still dream of building my home. I still dream of using tools and getting dirty and 'actually' building a structure that would serve its purpose--the purpose that I would have for such a place. Instead I fully recognize that our home right now is serving its purpose. I guess the cornice box that I made last week to go along with the drapes I sewed for my living room will have to do for my using power tools. For now.

And then...

A breakdown. Somewhat out of nowhere. Never shocking to me. But there nonetheless. I haven't determined if a therapist would be more prudent than the select few I choose to actually verbalize my crazy to, but since the therapist said having people to share all my crazy thoughts to is probably more helpful for me than a therapist, so be it. I hope I wake up in the morning with more clarity than I have at this moment.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Reasons I Love Primary

1. Simple.
2. Truthful.

I am teaching a primary class tomorrow and as I've been studying the lesson, I realized again how much I love primary. This is the lesson I am teaching.

I have a Christian song that I sang in Encore in high school called "Peace be Still" in my head. I love that song. It's amazing how good music can just stay with us for a lifetime. I love the passages of scripture in Mark that relay the experience of Christ calming the waters.

At first glance, it seems sort of difficult to explain what the "priesthood" is to those who are not members of my church. I always wonder if others hear "priesthood" and then think that it's some sort of "mans club" or something. It isn't. The only thing that I can say clearly and simply is that I have felt the priesthood power of God in my life and I know it is real. God the Father and Jesus Christ hold the priesthood, as do men of God on the earth. I know that is it no coincidence that Adam was able to give the boys a priesthood "Father's Blessing" (as is discussed in the the primary lesson above) the night before he died. The tradition of having such a blessing was prevalent in his home growing up, and it was in mine prior to starting school each year. It is a tradition that we carried on in our family. It is also a tradition that we continue, even in Adam's absence. The priesthood power is the same, the only difference is that their father is not the one who administers such blessings. It is other men who are keeping certain standards and are worthy to do so.

Having worked in a hospital, I have witnessed very tender things as men from our church who hold this priesthood power have come (having been asked by an ill person to come) to administer blessings to those who are sick. I have had blessings on occasion when I have been ill or have otherwise been in need, and I know that the comfort that I have felt is real and true. The peace I felt only one hour after the crash--when everything else was going wrong around me--as my boys were given blessings of healing is something I will never, ever forget. I feel very privileged to have such an experience. I suppose that is in part why I keep this blog. I cannot deny the promptings I have received. I know there is peace that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings into our lives. There is a fullness and completeness--not merely a part--of truth that has been testified to me by being a member of my church. And so, I testify that these things are true.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

This Week's Blessings

Week in Blessings: Lawn cared for twice, by two kind people. And on really super hot days. SO grateful for them. Babysitters for my boys, several times. Had help moving furniture to make room for my new couches. Survived court. Eternally grateful for an attorney who puts up with me freaking out. Hopefully only one more court date. Hopefully that'll be it for my getting ill right before these dates. Blech. Single Adult Conference on Saturday. Blessing in disguise. Was able to "webster" my family room for the first time in months. Thanks to having a sitter for Carson. Didn't get sunburned at the hot football and soccer games of the boys on Saturday. Sweet friends who came and cheered on Justin at football. I know he felt special that someone would take time to watch him play. Yummy homemade jam from the YW auction on Friday. YUM. I need to make some bread to go with. Or just go to Rotella's. Double workout last Monday. Felt SO good. Double workout planned for tomorrow. Not sure what is up with needing to dance and kick box lately, but it works. I'm thinking I need a punching bag in the garage too. Wish I could run and I would just put a treadmill in the basement. Good looking single men. Am I allowed to say that? Well I did. Done with thunderstorms for the week? Fingers crossed. They're only fun when NOT sharing a room with a Carson who is scared. And when I could cuddle up with a man. That's all storms are good for. Which basically means I don't like them now. Been extra tired with a week of no sleep; this is a blessing because when I actually have been able to sleep, I've haven't been waking up with nutty dreams. Carsons ramblings this week. Man, that boy can say some talk. The lettuce that is growing on my doorstep in pots. Lots of it. I hope it'll be edible. I'm almost ready for the next change. Almost. The boys are ready though. I just don't know if I can cut out my friend sugar. A new week is ahead. I'm one day closer to seeing Adam again. Yep. It's cryptic but it's true. I like truth. And I'm not sure why I can't get blogger to format this thing. Still. I think it's because I'm not using a PC....ARGH!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Decision

It really wasn't until yesterday that I realized how few decisions of any consequence I have been able to make on my own. I mean, sure. I have picked out a casket and a burial plot, and determined my being buried with Adam someday. But I rely on my parents to assist in my decision making entirely too much. They've been my crutch because I have just needed people to bounce ideas off of. But I'm finally doing something totally and completely on my own. After watching a couch set for a long time, I'm finally going to buy it. Off I go.