Then?

I have come to the end of my "If...Then...." statement. You know, those statements that are used to create computer code. Or the statements that are our widowed bargaining chips, so to speak. Bargaining. I thought I was long past that stage of grief after 11 1/2 years. But nope. I realize that I have been wanting Adam by my side more and more lately. It's not really a lonliness thing. It's more of a stubbornness thing on my part because I know the comfort he would be. This is a weird stage of life to be wrapping up my formal education--something that he didn't really get to do. I have had so many questions that I have wanted to ask him as I am finishing my doctoral project and writings. I just want HIS help. Instead I have had to ask Justin. Or my dad. Or fellow students. Or Google. Or no one. It's a profound sadness that has returned. At a time when I should feel joy and gladness for accomplishing this feat, I feel sorrow. Like there's a big giant hole missing. Because there is. There will be no graduation picture with him at my side. No family picture with him smiling and cheering me on. And that hurts. That's the thing though. There isn't any "fixing" of this sorrow or sadness. Ever. It's just something that I have to wade through. It's messy. No one else really gets it. It isn't comfortable. My gut wants to avoid it. And has to a large degree in recent years. The other day it kind of dawned on me like a ton of bricks. I went to graduate school for a lot of very logical reasons, which will be of benefit to me and the boys for a very long time. The unconscious reason I went to school (and I just put this together) was to avoid the hole that Adam left behind. School has been a giant distraction for the past 6 years. It distracted me from hard times, from ends of relationships, from the frustrations of solo parenting. But ultimately, it distracted me from thinking about Adam. I was simply to busy to be overly bothered by grief. Or better said, school gave me something one which I was "forced" to focus so I could not derail too far into my grief. Grief really is strange. One day feels like everything is figured out and in its rightful space. And another day it feels like utter chaos. There is no logic with grief, no fairness, no sensibility. It's also something that those who have not lost a partner can't fathom that I still "grieve." I've watched as most of my "original" widowed friends have remarried. I realize that when people remarry, they take grief with them, but life becomes so full, busy, and consuming of love for another that grief weighs less. It doesn't shrink, but somehow the weight of present love becomes heavier and such an area of focus that the weight of grief lessens. Life becomes happy. Joyful, even. But for those that struggle to fill life with the desires of their heart (ME! *hand raised*) it is difficult to sort things out. To make peace with what has been lost. I wanted one more baby. I know she was meant for our family. I know this. How do I make peace with that? Just ignore it? There is no fixing that. Every "older" new mom my age is a trigger for this discomfort. I want the joy of marriage in my life. The closeness. The type of caring that does not exist with any other relationship. The inside jokes, the things that only two people know and love about each other. I crave this. But I don't crave it enough to settle for a man who is not matched with me. The pickins are slim at this stage of life. I think I'd rather be alone than settling. Wow. That's it. The list of things for which I long has become quite short. I expected more on this list. But nope. Then. If I do... then....If I go to school, I will figure out more of my life and what I want to do with it. If I stay in Nebraska, then my kids will have stability and safety. Check check. Done those things. Then is here. It's NOW. And I still feel somewhat lost. Then...WHAT? What. Where. How. When. I cross out "Who" from that list because I no longer think that someone else will appear and save me or make any of this better. I know it's me. And I'm not sure that will ever be comfortable. Probably just as it will never be comfortable to be okay without just one more baby or without marriage in my life. Maybe that's as God designed? I am not exactly sure. But then is now and I know that I need to figure some things out. What does "then" really look like and what am I to do? We shall see.