TICKETMASTERBATION

I’ve been trying to get Chicago Cubs tickets all morning, sitting in their virtual waiting room online and having zero luck. Today is basically a Cubs fan’s only opportunity to pay face value to see games of interest, as ticket brokers unscrupulously buy them all up the day tickets go on sale and then sell them back to the public at prices no less than twice the face value. They call it a convenience to purchase tickets through their service, but it’s really a money-making scam that’s been fleecing baseball fans out of their hard-earned money for years. Instead of doing something to prevent it, the Cubs organization has essentially JOINED in by sponsoring its own ticket brokerage where they scalp tickets under the guise of “service,” and cite "fair market value" for the egregious prices they charge. It’s rifuckingdiculous.

I thought I had the system beat when I called the Ticketmaster location in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan this morning – but was told they were unable to sell tickets for events in the U.S. And Ticketmaster locations outside of the Chicago area don’t have access to the games yet, so I had no luck there. The only real shot I’ve got is to continue monitoring all these virtual waiting rooms I’ve got on all the computers here at work and hope for the best – although now there’s a list of sold-out games that I can no longer get tickets for. They are games number 1,2,3, and 4 on my list of desired games. Go figure. They’re the same games EVERYBODY wants to go to, which is why the ticket brokers snap them all up first. Big money there. This whole scam is a loophole in the scalping law and it’s just plain wrong. But on the list of things to fix in this town, politicians don’t rank consumer corruption very high. They're more concerned with making sure cigarettes, which are legal to buy, are illegal to smoke in as many places as they can think of and enforce. Another tax hike well spent.

The message on this virtual waiting room, which refreshes every 30 seconds to remind me I should be patient, may as well read:

“Welcome to Cubs.com – we are actually laughing at your futile attempt to purchase tickets at face value. But try if you must. When you finally give up, here are some links to a number of local ticket brokers where tomorrow you’ll find tickets to pretty much any Cubs game you want…at a premium, of course. Not fair? Life’s not fair, bud. Figured an ugly asshole like you would be used to disappointment by now. Happy hunting, sucker!”

Looks like these two are going to be seeing the Cubs before I do!

A CULTURE OF WAR

Hate can be learned, and there's a whole lot of people teaching it these days. Where we bundle up our cherished little ones in colorful ski jackets for an afternoon romp in the snow, little tykes elsewhere are outfitted in army fatigues and handed toy guns before an afternoon protest.

This is the way of the world in some countries. This is everyday life. And in the nuclear age, this culturally militaristic frame of mind has fast become a global crisis.

A handful of cartoon drawings has sparked widespread global unrest. The bombing of scores of religious mosques has brought Iraq to the brink of civil war. Iran plans to move forward with its nuclear ambitions, in spite of international protest. Islamic militants have been elected to represent the Palestinian constituency in Israel. Abductions continue. Roadside bombs claim more and more lives every day. Vague warnings and terrorist threats continue to trickle in from abroad. Middle Eastern governments are beginning to buckle as anti-West sentiment mounts. It would appear, to a casual observer who's just tuned into world affairs, that the stage is being set for a massive global showdown, a religious and ideological battle without boundaries, and without rules.

The destruction of the World Trade Center in 2001 demonstrated a willingness and ability on the part of radical Islamists extremists to kill without conscience. This single act of terror was met with a swift military reponse - the invasion and takeover of the entire nation of Afghanistan. In the fear that followed, this hostile takeover was followed by the subsequent invasion of Iraq over the mere suspicion there existed a cache of potentially catastrophic weapons. What will be the West's response when a nuclear device is detonated in Tel Aviv...or a dirty bomb exploded in Times Square? Are these horrifying examples simply irrational fears, or simply a matter of time?

The pictures don't lie - there are tens upon tens of thousands of people protesting around the globe - furious and willing to die fighting for a cause they were assigned at birth.

Is lasting peace even possible at this point? Is a future of war inevitable? I am about as afraid of the future as I am optimistic for it...which isn't saying a whole lot in either case. Whatever happens will be. I'm just glad I'm on the side with TiVo. At least for now.

CONTROL FREAKSHOW

A lot of people are control freaks. We can’t help it. The mind requires order and the best way to make sense of an evolving, changing world is to control as many variables as you can. Or at least to trick the mind into thinking it is in control when, clearly, we’re all at nature’s mercy.

Shit happens all the time – unexpected and out of the blue – that changes everything forever. So to promote the status quo, or at least achieve some semblance of normalcy, we manipulate the variables in our lives in an attempt to control life’s outcome, as it pertains to us. Do some of us go too far? You bet. Think Hitler.

Or, consider the case of Travis Frey.

Travis is the sick fuck who’s been brought up on charges of kidnapping his wife. According to court documents, Travis drafted a 4-page “Contract of Wifely Expectations” that he ordered his wife abide by – even though she never signed it. The details of the contract are too unbelievable to mention – you really must read them for yourself at the Smoking Gun. They have images posted of the scanned contract for your review. This dude is one fucked up cat. Sincerely.

I don't know whether life unfolds as a function of chaos or whether we simply can't perceive its immaculate order, but either way, I do enjoy the taste of a cheesy quesadilla.

THE WHITEHOUSE EFFECT

Bad news, friends. According to satellite imagery, the Greenland Ice cap is melting far faster than anyone had predicted it would. Twice as much ice is dropping into the ocean today as just five years ago. It’s a dramatic trend environmental scientists fear could have major impact on the world climate.

And do you know what’s REALLY scary? The folks in Washington don’t want you to know about it.

The Bush Administration originally dismissed the concerns as “fuzzy science,” but has since announced the development of a “roadmap” to environmental wellness called “No ice left behind.” The 600-page proposal, which has not been made public yet, is said to be littered with practical, if less-than-helpful, suggestions on how to deal with the global warming, like moving away from the beach. The ambitious initiative also includes a plan to counter rising temperatures by enforcing a one-week period every year during which every home and business in the world with air conditioning must jam their unit on high with their doors and windows open. According to a section of the report released to the media on Friday, “The collective effort of all those cooling systems blasting at once should be sufficient to reverse the trends we’ve been seeing. And if we need to run a few fans, too, that can’t hurt either.”

All joking aside, the Bush Administration actually tried to prevent a NASA scientist from making these reports public. Jim Hansen is the director of the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies in New York, and President George Bush's top climate modeler. When he approached the administration with this news, they more or less told him to put a sock in it. Here’s a quick link to the article for your reference.

On the other side of the spectrum, hard core environmentalists are now predicting all of humanity will be under water within the next 72 hours. RUH-ROH!

The truth, as always, is neither here nor there.

YOU LOVE ME

You love me not.

You love me.

You love me not.

You love me.

You love me not.

You love me.

You love me not.

You love me not?

What?

No. I don't think so. Don't lie.

You know you love me.

ASS TRAFFIC

I work at a small marketing firm, and our office is located on the top floor of a renovated loft building in Chicago’s West Loop Warehouse District. Our office bathroom, for your reference, is situated just outside our main office in a common hallway. While the hallway is common, our agency bathroom is not. Or, at least it’s not supposed to be.

All week we’ve been noticing an awful lot of traffic out in that hallway and yesterday morning our worst fears were realized. It turns out folks from the office next door have been john-hopping – descending upon our throne whenever theirs is occupied!

Late yesterday, one of the partners here decided to casually bring it up to it up to one of the partners next door, who was quick to apologize for the extra business they’ve been sending our way. According to our neighbor, their architecture firm has been on a hiring spree of late and, with only one bathroom in their office, there’s been a lot of crapper traffic. Because we possess the only other commode of transpooptation on the floor, we’ve been catching their daily overflow. To make matters worse, the increase in activity has been occurring at particularly busy times, between 9-10:30am (after morning coffee), then again between 1-2:30pm (after lunch). In the business world, these time slots are also known as Flush Hour.

Since it is OUR private bathroom, and stocked with OUR private supplies, we politely asked if they would be able to keep their bathroom activities to their own bathroom. They apologized and agreed to stink to their own side. As I am sure you have already guessed by now, it was not long before they reneged.

This morning, after taking a visual audit of office occupants, I scampered off to use the restroom – confident it was vacant. But it was not! I tried the handle twice to be sure and it was locked. I was not pleased. To let the occupant know how surprised I was to find it locked, I rammed my shoulder into the door forcefully as if to bust it open. The offending occupant uttered meekly, “Just a mo-ment!” The tone in his voice assured me I had scared the shit out of him…literally perhaps.

I immediately retreated to my desk, bursting at the seams in more ways than one. My first instinct was to walk into the office next door, drop my pants, and dangle a hearty russet coil all over their nicely-buffed wooden floor. But that’s always my first instinct when surrounded by architects. My second instinct was to urinate in a plastic cup and – honestly, it’s really not important. The important thing is what I actually did, which was my 6th instinct.

I lifted a sheet of blank white paper from the printer tray and uncapped a Sharpie. The marker squeaked loudly as I scrawled a note in large CAPITAL LETTERS:

ENOUGH ASSHOLES USE THIS BATHROOM ALREADY – WE DON’T NEED YOU IN HERE, TOO.

I marched back out into the hallway and slid it under the bathroom door.

I’m hoping the unwelcome crapper got the message. If not, I am going to have to resort to plan B.

Plan B: The door handle has one of those small holes in the center, so to unlock it, all one needs is a toothpick or a needle. If our john gets raided again tomorrow, I am going to pick the lock, swing the door open, snap a photo, and disappear into the stairwell. I will then wallpaper the neighborhood with fliers featuring that photo:

“WANTED: Suspect known only as the “Turd Burglar” has been reported breaking into the bathrooms of area businesses to steal unflushed excrement. The suspect should be considered armed and pungent. Please avoid direct contact and always keep a clean bowl."

VICE PRESIDENTS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

Vice President Dick Cheney inadvertently made a case for stronger gun control this week when he “accidentally” shot a hunting buddy firing at a rising covey of quail. The victim was an acquaintance and contributor who thought Cheney meant something entirely different when he said the Republican Party needed a “shot in the arm” prior to upcoming mid-term elections. Initially outraged, most Americans were quick to forgive the Vice President upon learning that the man he shot was a lawyer.

The news got a little worse for Cheney when it was later reported the victim had suffered a minor heart attack thanks to some birdshot that had penetrated his internal organs. THEN today it was revealed that Dick had sucked down a beer at lunch that fateful afternoon. Tomorrow I'm expecting they will announce that Cheney has been legally blind for over a decade.

President Bush has remained out of the spotlight over the course of this drama, but unconditional support for the Veep has been implicit in his Foreign Policy philosophy: Shoot first and ask questions later.

Some have expressed concern over Cheney's admission to drinking a single beer at lunch, as everyone knows that one beer means at least three. Ask any state patrol officer who's ever pulled over a DUI suspect. They've got a cheat sheet for assessing true consumption levels based on admission:



If they admit to..........Then they likely had...
1 beer........................3-4 beers
2 beers......................5-8 beers
A few beers................No fewer than 9 beers
4 or 5 beers...............12 beers and several shots
6+ beers....................A controlled substance of some kind

According to administrators at the event, a small situation developed after the hunt when, on the way back to the parking lot, Dick asked, "Who wants shotgun?" and everyone within earshot scrambled for cover.

Want to try your hand at a little quail hunting Dick Cheney style? Click here. Be sure to check out the featured article after you take your best shot – it's a fucking scream.

A White House Story: "I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!"

Don't be silly, Dick. You'll shoot a contributor's eye out!



*******************************************


Get yours today! Hot off the presses...a bright orange “Duck! Cheney” T-shirt.

You know you want one.

BROKEBACK TO THE FUTURE

McFly is open! Check out this nicely crafted trailer for the upcoming movie starring Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd called Brokeback to the Future.

What’s up, doc?

OINK AND CLICK

I never knew how much a simple drawing of a pig could reveal about my personality! According to this Draw a Pig Personality Test, I’ve got a great sex life. Sweet! Of course, I didn’t need to draw a pig on a computer to know that. The alarming rate at which I lose underwear is testimony enough. But enough about makin’ bacon – go draw a pig and find out what it says about you!

Besides, naturally, the fact that you have too much time on your hands.

HAPPY V-D!

Something about that doesn't sound quite right.

TRAFFIC JAM

Stacy Keibler naked. Stacy Keebler naked. Stacy Kiebler naked. Stacey Keebler naked. Stacey Keibler naked. Stacey Keebler naked. Stacy Kebler naked. Stacy Keibler pics. Stacy Keebler pics. Stacy Kiebler pics. Stacey Keebler pics. Stacey Keibler pics. Evangeline Lilly nude. Evangeline Lily nude. Evangeline Lilly naked. Evangeline Lily naked. Evangeline Lilly pics. Evangeline Lily pics. Stacey Keebler pics. Stacy Kebler pics. Stacy Keibler nude. Stacy Keebler nude. Stacy Kiebler nude. Stacey Keebler nude. Stacey Keibler nude. Stacey Keebler nude. Stacy Kebler nude.

Don’t mind me – just an experiment to see if this drums up a few more web hits.

From what I understand about Search Engine Optimization, people searching for naked celebrities will be directed to visit AYNtK. They might consider it misleading of me to advertise naked pics of celebrities in this way, but I call it fate.

If you are reading this post because you came here looking for naked pictures of celebrities, don’t be discouraged. You were meant to find AYNtK. I am fate’s monkey, and I type what you are thinking. I am here to tell you that looking at photographs of naked women is not what you need to be doing right now. You need to be getting back to work – you ARE the President of the United States, after all. I would have expected this search string out of Bill, but not YOU!

DECORATIVE TOPOGRAPHY

Some close friends of ours just had a beautiful baby girl, so Geri and I drove out to meet their newest edition over the weekend. During the drive out, Geri’s 5-year-old (the H-man) initiated a very interesting discussion on breasts. In the question-and-answer session that followed, Geri carefully explained to the H-man that girls have boobs so they can feed their babies. The H-man was noticeably perplexed upon learning this interesting factoid, so Geri asked him, “Why did you THINK girls have boobs?”

“I don’t know,” he wondered aloud, “For decoration?” It is clear that the H-man is wise beyond his years.

“Well…” I chimed in with a laugh, “That’s not entirely untrue.” Geri could not disagree as we both admired his profound insight. Hard to fight the logic of a 5-year-old when there’s an entire cosmetic enhancement market thriving on the concept of decorative topography.

Given his new understanding of the biological purpose for breasts, the H-Man went on to make several brilliant observations, including: “So girls with big boobs don’t have babies, because if they did then they wouldn’t have the big boobs. They need babies,” he said, sure of himself. Or attention, we mumbled to each other. And then, of course, came the question that was sure to follow.

"Why do boys have boobs?"

Walking him through the mysteries of gender differentiation from Asexuality to Zygote would not have been a good use of time, so we defaulted to your standard blow-off-the-child-with-too-many-questions-phrase and offered only: "I don't know, dude. That's a good question."

In related news, a team of researchers studying the possible causes of homosexuality have identified one of the first signs a male child might be gay, illustrated in this photograph (removed). Results of the study are not expected to be final for another 14-18 years.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

I'm not going to stop pestering you until you push a pin in my Guestmap, dammit. Do it now!

(Unless you already have, in which case you can expect the winds of change to carry good fortune your way.)

DEAR AYNtK...

Thanks to Stevie Wetnap for sharing this bit of pop hilarium. Click on the image to enlarge.

Congratulations on the new bay-bee. Try and keep her off the tequila til she's at least 2, would ya?

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN!

There are a lot of signs I am getting older, but the most disturbing, by far, is that I’ve noticed myself breaking wind in public without even noticing it. It just happened at the water cooler. I was filling up my ceramic mug with hot water to stir up an afternoon cup of hot cocoa when I suddenly caught wind of something dreadful. That’s when it dawned on me that I had just loosed a gaseous ass beast. I fled the scene of the crime immediately, but was followed closely by the persistent brute for a good minute or so before finally losing the stinky bastard out on the fire escape.

When did I get so old I stopped noticing that I was farting? It’s something I remember my sister and I giggling about when we were kids – our great grandmother shuffling about the house, farting noisily and entirely unaware of it. And here *I* am – much younger, and outside the comfort of my own home – letting slip heinous air biscuits as carelessly as I might sniffle or clear my throat.

Maybe it’s got nothing at all to do with age. Maybe I’m just losing my mind. I’ve clearly let down my guard where social embarrassment is concerned, recklessly polluting the air with utter disregard for any humiliation it might cause me. I wonder how many times I've been trapped in an elevator wondering who farted, when all along the guilty farty was me. There it is again! That smell! I think I need to call the gas company because I've definitely got a leak.

****

On a separate note, someone just informed me that the Olympics have started. I had no idea the Olympics were so near. Did you? Aren’t those marathon runners going to get cold trekking about in all this cold weather?

What's that? Winter games? Oh.

I knew that.

FREEDOM OF INFORMATION

Here's a rumor so outlandish I had to check it out on Snopes. Turns out it's TRUE.

Instead of dialing 411 and paying $1.00 or more for information through your phone company, you can call 1-800-FREE-411 and get information for free.

Something about this didn't sound right to me, so I investigated. Turns out there are nearly 6 billion information calls are placed every year, and most of them are assessed a hefty service fee by the service provider. But 1-800-FREE-411 has taken a different tack. They receive your request just like 411, but while they're looking up your information, instead of having a live operator burp salami into the line on the other end, they run a few seconds of an ad. Unless you have a cocaine habit, the difference in the amount of time spent on the phone is negligible...and they'll even offer to connect you for free, just like 411.

I haven't had the opportunity to try this bad boy out yet, but sounds like a great way to avoid all of those expensive service charge add-ons my phone company likes to pile on every month. Next time you need a little 411, remember to dial 1-800-FREE-411 and let me know what you think!

FREE EXPRESSION OR PROPHETEERING?

Not since South Park has a cartoon managed to offend so many people so fast.

Last September, a Danish newspaper asked cartoonists for submissions on the subject of the censorship of Muslim issues. They published 12 of the drawings they received featuring the Muslim prophet Mohammed. Some of the drawings, it has been suggested, were not done in great taste. When word of the “blasphemous” cartoons got out, Muslim protest ensued.

As you know, nothing draws a crowd like a crowd, and with protest came curiosity. Folks around the world wanted to understand WHY there was such public outrage over a few fucking cartoon drawings. Since they’d become such a hot topic, a number of other European newspapers decided to publish the cartoons – an editorial decision which, in hindsight, served to both educate the curious masses and enrage angry Muslim protesters from Baghdad to Bangladesh.

Apologies were demanded. But instead of apologies, Western newspapers and governments defended their publication of the cartoons as free press and expression. That institutions of the West would defend blasphemous caricatures of the revered prophet Mohammed further infuriated the nation of Islam. And, as Jim Croce astutely observed, "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off the old lone ranger and you don't infuriate Muslims." The gauntlet was officially thrown down.

One of the newspapers in France that published the cartoons had to evacuate after receiving bomb threats. Protesters threw firebombs and rocks at the Austrian Embassy in Iran. The Danish Consulate’s building in Lebanon was torched. Muslims around the world, from Afghanistan to Pakistan to Indonesia, have been protesting pretty much around the clock. Rioters are throwing stones and knives as they attempt to gain entry to Western embassies and air bases. Police have fired upon crowds, inciting further violence. Sales of American flags skyrocketed as eager rioters rush to burn the stars and stripes. [Sidenote: If I were a flag manufacturer, I'd be focusing my distribution efforts on foreign markets. Think about it. Old Glory can last 20 years or more flying from a flagpole in Flagstaff, but won't last ten minutes out of the plastic in Fallujah.]

The most extreme government protest came from Iran, which fanned the flames of this controversy by cutting off all trade ties with Denmark. Then the President (of Iran, silly!) announced a government-sponsored cartoon contest soliciting drawings that mocked the holocaust. Yes, really. He said he would be curious to see how the Western media would treat such “freedom of expression.” Not to be outdone, an online vendor here in the States (Metrospy) has announced it is now selling T-shirts with one of the offending drawings on it. The scary thing is that it's quickly become their biggest selling item.

So by now you've got to be wondering: Where the hell can I find these horrible cartoons? I would post them here for you but that I have little desire to become any more of a walking target than I already am. Instead, I’ll just refer you to the fearless folks at the Brussels Journal. Click here and judge the controversy for yourself. They're all posted at the bottom of the page for your review.

Much ado about nothing if you ask me.

ME-OW!

Have you seen the addictive Flash game Kitty Cannon? You basically have to see how far you can launch a cat using a kitty cannon. Warning: Like Sudoku, once you start it's hard to stop. I must have blasted that pussy for a good two hours last night.

Need a little incentive? Until you top 1477, you are my beotch!

PROCRASTINATION STATION

Need a little break in the middle of your day? That’s what I thought. Check out this fun diversion. Keep your cursor away from the meanie for as long as you can. He’s got a few tricks up his sleeve, so watch out! Oh yeah, and you have to stay on the blue mat or your time will reset. Enjoy!

Warning: This guy is a persistent bastard.

CREATIVE BRIEF

It's okay...we can stop talking about the Super Bowl commercials now. Really. It's the same shit every year. Everybody gets super excited to watch the commercials because we don't give a rat's ass who wins the fucking game - and then all we hear about the next day is how shitty the commercials were. Every year. People need to lower their expectations just a tad. Not every :30 TV ad can be a staggering work of genius. Here's why:

CREATIVE BRIEF
11:47 a.m.

For those of you who may be unfamiliar, I am in advertising. Creative advertising. Direct marketing. Persuasive communications. In fact, if you do any kind of marketing at all, you should e-mail me – I guarantee I can improve your marketing ROI. But enough sales – today I want to tell you about how creative advertising gets done in the real world.

Every once in a while I’m sure you see or hear an ad you really like – a cute outdoor board, a clever television spot, a funny radio ad, etc. But what you don’t get to see are all the good ideas that never made it. In fact, most of the best creative work gets shit-canned before the client even sees it. Really. All my best ideas end up in the recycling bin, literally.

What happens, typically, is a client calls with a particular need. A new logo. A web site. A direct mail package. An integrated marketing campaign: signage, take-ones, splash URL, postcard mailings, fulfillment DM - you name it. The need could be anything in the realm of marketing communications – from basic strategy decks to pretty PowerPoint presentations. Sometimes a client doesn’t even know what they need other than to get more people to buy their stuff, so they ask us to provide a little guidance – which we are always more than happy to do because we're in the business of getting people to buy things they don't need with money they either don't have or ought to be saving for social security's inevitable insolvency.

After the needs discovery phase, creative deliverables are itemized and a completely unreasonable schedule is drawn up. That’s because most people looking for creative marketing don’t understand the triangle principle.

...............^
...........GOOD
........./...............CHEAP.....FAST


In the world of advertising, and indeed in most business endeavors, the triangle principle is the golden rule. Simply put, you can choose any two sides you want - but ONLY TWO. So you can get your marketing good and fast, but it won’t be cheap. You can get it good and cheap, but it will take forever. Or you can get it cheap and fast, but it won’t be any good. Sorry, that's the way of the world. Economists call it opportunity cost. Everything comes at the expense of something else. Quality for speed. Speed for price. Price for quality. Etc.

Unfortunately, as I stated earlier, most people looking for creative marketing don’t understand the triangle principle – they come in looking for, and expecting, all three sides! So it then becomes the agency's challenge to deliver on the illusion that we are good, fast, AND cheap – when the fact of the matter is I'd have better luck getting a sponge bath from Stacy Keibler than hitting that improbable Trifecta.

So how is “creative” work actually created?

Basically, once a job has been “kicked off,” it ends up in the hands of a creative lead – someone whose job it is to ensure the job is completed on time, on strategy, and within budget. That would be me, and sometimes we actually achieve one of those basic objectives.

“Creative” department folks like to stroll in late, surf the web, suck down a shitload of coffee, and come up with pages full of rockin’ ideas only we think are brilliant. We loaf around until somebody calls a meeting during which everyone sits around in a highly agitated state and argues for really bad ideas. These are called brainstorming sessions – but they should be called ass-storming sessions considering all of the crap that gets thrown around. Still, submersed in all of that crap is usually a gem of an idea or two. I can usually spot that gem right away - but you've sometimes got to wait a while before other people come around to it. The trick to getting good ideas produced is to avoid ramming them through, but instead let people think they discovered them on their own. Sometimes that means patting someone else on the back for your stroke of genius.

Eventually, the creative team will come to a consensus on a kick-ass idea we all think has legs. Ten minutes later we all let loose a collective sigh when we realize the client would never go for it. That’s usually when I stand up and suggest we show the client our idea anyhow since we all think it's the best one in the room. Everyone chuckles at the absurdity of the notion as though it were offered in jest, and I walk off to get another cup of coffee comfortable in having spoken my peace. The best idea is officially killed and we move on.

By meeting's end, we typically wind up settling on the third or fourth best concepts which we then comp up for client review.

The gate-keeping account folks on the client side reflexively second-guess pretty much anything in those concepts that might be even accidentally considered offensive (otherwise known as "entertaining") and have us tone the creative down. So we tone it down and send back a mere shadow of the original concept, which is then passed around again where about a dozen different people (consulted randomly in the hallway) drop their pants and pee all over it because everybody's a fucking ad wizard. The disheartened, dispirited creative team then must sift through a damp list of comments reeking of irrelevant criticism and inane suggestions.

The final route of the concept is shattered and reassembled chinese menu style, where everyone's comments are incorporated so that the resulting creative work pleases no one. Although everyone agrees it could be much better, this is what gets "approved." At this point it gets sent to the client's legal department where the copy is modified further to remove anything that might be mistaken as humorous or insightful, and a litany of legal disclosures are added.

The resulting piece of shit is produced and THAT'S what you end up seeing, reading, or hearing. So let's cut the ad folks some slack. We're doing our best to rock your world - we just have a hard time convincing everyone else in the chain to roll with it.