10 TIPS FOR A MORE SUCCESSFUL JOB INTERVIEW

There was a time I thought I knew it all. I think we’ve all been there. We feel like we have a good handle on what people are looking for, and we’re confident in our ability to deliver. And then one day we end up on the other side of the table and realize that we really had no idea what the hell we were doing.

Funny how one day I’ll look back on this day and think, “You moron – what the hell were you thinking?”

Anyhow, as someone who’s been on a lot of interviews, I always felt I was pretty well versed on what to do and say in an interview. Until I became the interviewer. Then I realized how much of a dumbass I was. And that’s what prompted me to create this handy guide.






10 Tips for a More Successful Job Interview

1.) READ THE JOB DESCRIPTION
2.) PROOFREAD YOUR RESUME
3.) CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE BEFOREHAND
4.) DRESS APPROPRIATELY
5.) SHOW UP EARLY
6.) BRING COPIES OF YOUR RESUME
7.) ASK QUESTIONS
8.) SEND A THANK YOU NOTE
9.) DON'T EXPECT A CALL
10.) OFFER TO WORK ON CONTRACT

Here are the juicy details.

READ THE JOB DESCRIPTION
This one will save you a lot of time and heartache. In most cases, qualifications are clearly spelled out in print – including required background, education, and years of experience. In reviewing submitted resumes, I’ve discovered that people, by and large, ignore this information. Either that or there are a lot of wishful thinkers out there. It simply amazes me how many people mistake themselves for qualified when every bullet point on their resume trumpets irrelevance. I would estimate that, of the countless resumes I've pulled off the printer, maybe 4 or 5 out of every 100 are solid candidates for interview. Another 5 or so fall into the “maybe” pile based on crossover skills and other considerations. But a good 90% of the resumes lack the very basics that listed as REQUIRED in the ad! So read the ad and ask yourself if you would hire you based on the qualifications alone. Nevermind your winning personality - we're talking experience and background and skill set only here. If it's not a match, don't waste your time. Sometimes we have fun with those resumes: "Yes, is this Mr. Johnson? I'm calling about the resume you submitted for the Senior Art Director position. It was passed on to us at the Loews Cineplex in uptown and we LOVE your credentials. We actually have some excellent weekend shifts available..." CLICK.

PROOFREAD YOUR RESUME
Wow. Can’t believe I just had to type that. But yes – I find typos every day. Bad ones. My impulse every time is to submit the resume to the waste bin for final approval. To date, my waste bin has not sent back a single resume for consideration. Seriously, typos are entirely unacceptable and 100% avoidable. Have a friend proofread it closely. And if you’re not sure about the grammar or spelling of something – change it so there’s no question. For an easy leg up, show off your stellar attention to detail and fine communications skills with a resume that's perfect to the letter. Oh yeah - and if you're one of those folks who versions the resume depending upon the job, make sure you fill in all the blanks. We love getting incomplete templates to add to our wall of shame baord. "My ideal job is one that lets me use my (word here) skills to (job here)." Classy and professional.

CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE BEFOREHAND
Hey – what a novel idea! Some of the applicants who impress me the most surprise me by knowing something about me or our agency in advance. For a moment I wonder how they came to know us so well…and then it dawns on me that they simply did their homework. In just ten minutes, you can glean a lot of information off of a website: what the company does, what it values, who it serves, and how it operates. Shows initiative, resourcefulness, and genuine interest. Just be careful not to delve too deeply into the personal histories of individuals or they may brand you a voodoo mindreader and cut your interview early. In other words, there's no need to "Google" the person you'll be meeting to tell them you live near them. That would only freak them out. But by all means come prepared to talk about how you're going to be able to add vallue to their company.

DRESS APPROPRIATELY
This is a big one people like to debate about. Not me. What you wear MATTERS. I used to think it didn’t really matter, or rather, that it SHOULDN’T matter. Why should it? – I thought. They’d be hiring ME, not my clothes. But the fact is, what you choose to wear says a lot about you. I’ve read advice columns from people who say it’s the person on the inside that counts…and I agree with that. And if the person on the inside doesn’t recognize the importance of that first impression, chances are they’re missing a lot more than that. It's a matter of presentation and showing yourself in the best light possible. I’m not saying a suit and tie are required here – but make an effort. Shave, shine the shoes, comb the hair, press the shirt, and avoid blue jeans. Basic stuff that should go without saying, but you’d be surprised what people will show up to an interview wearing. And as much as I try to make it about the person inside, appearance is important. Shows the interviewer you are serious. A gay co-worker of mine is the fashion bouncer at our agency. He inspects the interviewees as they make their way to the conference room and gives me the thumbs up or down on overall physical presentation. “Did you see her blouse? Were those polka dots? Oh Lord. How can she design a marketing brochure if she can’t even dress herself?”

SHOW UP EARLY
In business, punctuality is very important. And if a company is interviewing, it usually means they’ve got more work than they can handle - which means they are busy! Respect this by honoring your interview date and time to the best of your ability. I naively used to think, “I’ll get there when I get there and if I am late, they’ll understand. After all – they’re people too.” Well, we are people, too – and we DO understand, especially when people demonstrate little respect for our time by showing up late. So plan to arrive early – it shows you’re eager and ambitious. And if you can’t help but run a few minutes behind, give a shout to let someone know. A little courtesy can make a huge difference.

BRING COPIES OF YOUR RESUME
Here’s a rule I used to break all the time. I always assumed that the folks interviewing me would have a copy of my resume since that was the piece of paper they used to pre-qualify me for the interview! Why would I need to bring another copy? Well, the fact is, after I’m done qualifying someone for an interview, their resume becomes just another sheet of paper on my cluttered desk. As a result, it seldom makes it into the interview with me. So more often than not I find myself asking the applicant for a fresh copy. If they don’t have one, I don’t hold it against them. But if they do – I sure appreciate the preparedness.

ASK QUESTIONS
This is important. Even if it’s just a couple of questions – being inquisitive demonstrates sincere interest. Sometimes we get to the end of an interview and ask if there are any questions for us and, I have to say, it’s a little disappointing when applicants say, “No – I think you’ve answered all of my questions already.” And I’m thinking, “How could I have? We’ve been talking about YOU this entire time.” You’re asking to enter a long-term relationship that will consume a massive chunk of your life – aren’t you the least bit curious how things are going to work? A good place to start is to think about what’s important to you and be up front about it. Benefits. Growth potential. Transportation. Realistic hours. Working relationships. One of the best reasons to ask is because it helps you to qualify the employer as suitable for YOU instead of the other way around. If you don’t ask any questions, you’re tipping your hand and saying, "I don't care what it's like here, I just need a new job." Such desperation is a red flag, and a candidate without questions is easily filed in this category. Just don't ask, "How much does it pay?" That question is an indication that the applicant nneds to settle a gambling debt and will take the first job they can get. Questions about compensation usually come after the interview - once the two parties have agreed that there is a good fit. That said, having an idea of range is important to know BEFORE the first interview so everyone is on the same page. If the compensation is listed as "commensurate," it means you're going to get an offer based on what you're worth to the hiring company - which will vary from company to company. Hard to get a range out of those folks since they won't know until they meet you...but you can always prequalify your visit by letting them know what YOUR requirements are. We've had a few candidates whose financial expectations were delusional, but we didn't find out until after we'd spent an hour pretending to like one another. Whether it's before the interview, during, or after, asking questions is an important part of the process - and it's expected of you.

SEND A THANK YOU NOTE
We interview a lot of people. Some send follow-up notes after the interview…others don’t. To be honest, I don’t think anything less of the people who don’t follow up with a “thank you.” I just assume they’re not all that interested in the job. And the reason I assume this is because the people who DO send “thank you” notes stand out as MORE interested in the job. And that counts for something. Remember – entering a work relationship is a two-way street, so both sides have to agree there is a good fit after that first date. By sending a follow up “thank you” note, or even an e-mail will suffice sometimes, you’re letting the employer know that you’re still interested in the position. By maintaining radio silence, you could be sending a signal of apathy or indifference. If you still want the job after that interview, let us know. It demonstrates thoughtfulness and solid relationship building skills.

DON'T EXPECT A CALL
It used to drive me apeshit when I'd go to an interview and then hear nothing back for days...even weeks. For some reason, I assumed I'd receive at least a courtesy call to let me know the position had been filled. But to my surprise, I learned that hiring decisions take a lot of time. And sometimes the reason I wouldn't receive a call was because recruitment was on hold. The fact is, we often interview a lot of people for one position - and only one is going to get the job. We simply don't have the time to follow up with all of the people we met to let them know they didn't make the cut. If they call us, however, we're more than happy to share our status. If they don't call, we presume they'll get the hint: No news is bad news.

OFFER TO WORK ON CONTRACT
Here's a fun Jedi mind trick that really works. For the employer, the hiring process can be an expensive, time-consuming endeavor with little room for error. Think about it. There’s a lot at stake for the employer. They need to know they’re hiring the best person for the job…and want to feel good about it. One way to demonstrate your flexibility and cooperative spirit is to take some of the risk away by offering to work on contract for a few weeks. Don't panic - it’s not as risky as it sounds. First of all, the gesture alone says a lot about your confidence level. Anyone who would offer to work on contract for a couple weeks is saying, “I know you’re going to love me.” (I should note that if you’re not confident you can blow them away with your raw talent, then it may not be in your best interest to go this route.) If you know you can perform, and the goal is to land the job, then removing the risk is a smart move. Plus, it also protects YOU from accepting a position you may not enjoy. After a couple of weeks of relationship building with key personnel, they’ll get a good feel for you, and you’ll have ample time to assess the true nature of the opportunity. It's a true win-win. Or, oftentimes, the gesture alone is enough to win you a second interview. You've made their decision to include you easier by saying, "You're not stuck with me if you don't like me." But, of course, YOU know they're going to love you. Why wouldn't they?

So there you have it - 10 ways to interview more effectively. Feel free to share!

THE CUTTING ROOM

I used to wonder how they decided which movies should be up for the Best Editing Oscar. What was the difference? Editing was always transparent to me - I never really took much notice of it. Except in Armageddon, maybe, when I remember wanting to do physical harm to whoever snipped together those wildly frenetic asteroid action sequences. But I digress... I guess I just never really valued the contribution a good editor makes to the overall viewing experience.

And then I saw this short video.

If you're a fan of the Office (U.S.), it's a must-see. And the editing? Now I understand. I can't imagine how much time went into hunting down all of this footage and synching it all up. Fine work.

I AM I

I can see you! Yes, you.

Not back there. Here in front of you. I am right here.

Who am I?

I am a strategically organized collection of pixels in the shape of the letter I. Where am I? I am at the front of this sentence.

And now I am here (in the middle). I actually show up a lot in written communications. In fact, I'm the 18th most popular word in the English language.

Here are the top 250.

FLASH TRON

Awesome!

IN GOD WE TRUSTED...

...and then this whole Bush thing happened and now we're not so sure.

Looks like the U.S. moneymakers (and I don't mean Exxon) accidentally struck a bunch of brand new $1 Jorge Washington coins with a glaring mistake - the words "In God We Trust" are missing. Stolen by atheists under cover of night, no doubt.

Really. How do you mint coins missing an entire phrase? And a controversial one at that, given our nation's fascination with godless heathens.

Where's that phrase? It's missing? OOPS! How did THAT happen? COINcidence?

Methinks no. But then, me also thinks all grades of gasoline are pumped from the same damn reservoir. I have that recessive "raised eyebrow" trait...keeps me in a perpetual state of heightened suspicion.

Anyhow, here's the scoop directly from the U.S. Mint:

"The United States Mint has struck more than 300 million George Washington Presidential $1 Coins. We have recently learned that an unspecified quantity of these coins inadvertently left the United States Mint at Philadelphia without edge-lettering on them. It is unknown how many of these coins without inscriptions on the edge have been placed into circulation.

"The United States Mint understands the importance of the inscriptions “In God We Trust” and “E Pluribus Unum,” as well as the mint mark and year on U.S. coinage. We take this matter seriously. We also consider quality control a high priority. The agency is looking into the matter to determine a possible cause in the manufacturing process."

The ommission is considered a defect which will likely render the coins valuable collector's items. So keep an eye out!

GOING FOR BROKE

U.S. Representative Marsha Blackburn introduced legislation this week that would prevent illegal immigrants from getting credit cards from American financial institutions, which I think is complete and utter bullshit. If they're already here enjoying the rest America has to offer, then why should they be free of a life in debt? They should be subject to serfdom in this American financial kingdom like the rest of us - buried by mortgages and credit card bills, forever indentured to the banking regents who sell the American dream one percentage point at a time.

Funny to think how, for how meager their existence may seem to some, a lot of illegals are actually in a lot better financial shape than their American counterparts - who seemingly live better, but have to fork a significant portion of their paychecks over to the man in the expensive suit and tie every month.

McTERNITY

Ever wonder what would happen if you saved a McDonald's cheeseburger in the pocket of your jacket for a year? Me too. It has kept me up many a night. Well, here's a link you have to check out. Seems someone accidentally found out exactly what happens and you're not going to believe it!

Wow.

CONCEPT DEVELOPMENT

An important part of the creative advertising process is concept development. This is when we sit around dreaming up "cool" ways to make an idea work. Coffee helps. We have something specifc we need to communicate and only a billion ways to communicate it. Selecting the RIGHT way is part art, part science, and a big part luck. Sometimes you just stumble upon a kick ass idea out of no where. Other times you agonize for days and wind up right back at the drawing board.

I've found that most clients, and a lot of account people for that matter, can't appreciate the time required for solid concept development. They often dismiss it in schedules by saying, "You guys are the experts, I'm sure you'll come up with something." And we always do. It's just not always that great. A little art, a little science, but no luck. You can't rush a good idea - you just have to give it time to grow.

Here's a link to some of the coolest ads you've never seen. Links like this one almost make you forget that most ads completely suck.

As creative director, I'd hire some of this talent on the spot. Fine concepts well executed.

LIFE IN REVERSE

Here's a bit of SPAM I received today that I thought I'd share because I found it amusing. I took the liberty of editing the awkward parts for effect. Not a bad concept here!

***************

I want to live my next life backwards:

I want to start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then I'll wake up aching and forgetful in an old folks home where I'll start feeling better and better by the day.
After years of sleeping and eating, I'll get kicked out for being too healthy.
So I'll join the world, collect a pension and social security benefits.
I'll enjoy a nice long retirement, take up some new hobbies, travel, and curse electironics.
Then one day I'll be so bored out of my mind I'll finally start working - and I'll get a gold watch on my very first first day!
I'll put in a good 40 years working, taking on less and less responsibility until I'm finally young enough to go to college.
There I'll drink liberal amounts of alcohol, experiment with drugs, and party promiscuously into the twilight of my years.
After college, I'll reluctantly go to high school where I'll keep drinking; then off to primary school, where I'll grow younger and younger, play sports and video games, and basically enjoy a life free of responsibilities.
After that I'll become an infant, blissfully crapping my shorts, belching and farting as I like, and having somene essentially take care of me night and day.

Finally, I'll spend my last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious, spa-like conditions - climate controlled, room service, etc. - sleeping and eating in an exceedingly comfortable darkness until a sudden moment when I am born hard and fast in a relatively short, but powerfully, pleasing orgasm.

Sure sounds a whole lot better than the deal we've got worked out now!

FREE GIFT-RAPPING

I haven't had many opportunities to catch Saturday Night Live over the past decade. Such is the VIP lifestyle. But a couple weeks ago I caught the replay of their 06 holiday show hosted by JT (Justin Timberlake for those over 40). This was one of the funniest SNL sketches I have ever seen.

Thanks to Marky Mark for passing along the uncensored You Tube link.

WHERE TO STASH THE CASH

Here's another bit of wisdom from the Simple Dollar. It's a list of 20 places to hide your money at home besides the mattress. I do not recommend the broiler.

If you're not familiar with this guy's work, there's a feed in the left sidebar featuring links to his latest stuff. Great advice in there - I do recommend you give it a peek-a-boo some time.

By the way - here's some info on the best hiding place of all. Thanks, Dan!

HERE YA GO, DAVE

Create your own motivational posters.

Just don't tell anyone where you got this link because I don't want a bunch of link-starved strangers e-mailing me for hot shit. Actually, I think I'd kind of enjoy that. Go ahead and tell who you want.

Enjoy!



Fun for HOURS, people. I may have this one blown up.

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!

As the snow slowly melts into the ground, and frigid streams trickle through slippery sewer grates, the sidewalks become clear again - so that we can see all of the piles of dog crap abandoned since our last big snow.

Walking to work this morning was like negotiating a minefield perilously loaded with menacing turd bombs. I carefully leaned and dodged the soaking remains of pile after pile of (presumably) canine feces that clearly had been left steaming in the icy whiteness for WEEKS by lazy dog owners who really ought to know better. Worse, because the piles had been snowed over, they were stamped into the concrete below by passers-by so that they now resembled half-cooked pancakes, or perhaps the exploded remains of a shit-packed water balloon tossed from a nearby rooftop.

Yeah - pretty fucking gross. And I discovered that if you run your finger through it for a sample, it feels exactly like peanut butter. The flavor, however, is nothing like it.

Ah, yes. It is definitely that time of year again.

EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE

Here's a classic scam I know you're going to love. And I know you're going to love it because YOU are going to be able to use it to save hundreds on electronics at Best Buy, Circuit City, and other stores of that ilk.

How does it work? It involves turning one of their bullshit cash cows into a gravy train of your own. You know those extend service plans they're always pushing down your throat? Instead of reflexively declining it, this guy suggests a lucrative alternative.

It's bold, daring, and genius!

IT'S NOT EASY EATING GREEN

Have you ever had a salad that really hit the spot?

Me neither.

Been trying to eat healthier of late and not having an easy go of it. I have identified a direct correlation between taste satisfaction and the number of fat grams per serving. The higher the fat grams per serving, the more I enjoy the food. That's not to say I can't enjoy a plain roast beef sandwich at Subway with less than 6g of fat. I do get those sometimes and find them somewhat satisfying. Just no where near as satisfying as when I double the meat, smother it in cheese, and douse it in horseradish. Now THAT'S a sandwich. Don't forget the bag of Cheetos.

I'm training my tastebuds to appreciate foods with less fat and it's not easy. I grew up on fat. Red meat. Real butter. Crisco. Homemade baked goods and a pantry full of deep fried snacks. You can't just quit that shit cold turkey. You need to cut back little by little until a tomato and imitation bacon bit sandwich makes the mouth water. But for now, every fork full of lettuce I stuff into my piehole feels like an abandoned garnish lost and longing for its greasy, half-pound Angus host.

I will reunite you tonight my green, leafy lunch. There will be meat on the menu come dinner time.

GOING POSTAL

Did you hear what those crazy cats at the U.S. Post Office are planning to do next? They're increasing the price of a first class stamp - yes. But they're also introducing what they call the "forever" stamp. From now on, first class stamps won't be printed in monetary denominations. They'll actually be good forever, regardless of when you bought them. So you'll be able to mail a letter in 2050 using a .39 cent stamp you buy today. Pretty sweet deal, right?

So now I bet you're wondering how many to load up on ahead of the next price hike. Before the math makes you sweat too much, click here for a money expert's take on it. There's definitely a strategy to maximizing the financial impact of the everlasting stamp.

JONAH & THE BEANSTALK

"Religion is the bureaucracy between man and God." -- Bill Maher on Scarborough Country

This guy used to really get under my skin back when it was stll remotely chic to vote Republican. These days he's the preacher and I'm the choir, baby. Logic is perplexing. He asks a very interesting question of his host in this interview regarding religious belief. If instead of a man trapped in the belly of a whale we were taught that Jack climbed a mighty beanstalk into the sky, would we today know the difference between religious fact and fairy tale? Both stories seem wildly implausible - yet one is embraced by millions of people as fact, while the other dismissed as fantasy. Why? Could it be that one is drilled into children under threat of eternal punishment while the other is read from a make-believe pop-up-book of bedtime stories? I won't presume to know the answer to that, but it's certainly thought-provoking.

Maher closes the interview making another curious distinction - that you don't have to be religious to believe in God. It's a concept I've been contemplating for some time, and one I believe has great merit. If you enjoy a good debate, check out the 8 minute segment.

WWW.BANEOFMYEXISTENCE.COM

You wanna know what really drives me fucking apeshit? Well shut your piehole and listen up anyway because I'm going to tell you.

It's that fucking Microsoft Word macro that automatically turns world wide web addresses into hyperlinks in the middle of your document. Why the hell do I want that? And why is that the default setting? I have never once typed a web address in a Word document that I wanted to visit at the time I was typing it - or even upon reading it later. I think that would make a nice OPTION for the three people in the world who actully use hyperlinks in Word documents, but I believe the rest of us use word processing programs to TYPE things.

When I want to visit a website, I am quite capable of double clicking my browser icon - I don't need a shortcut that turns www.whateverthefuckitypehere.com into a hyperlink so that everytime I try to highlight the text or move my cursor over it I end up launching a new browser window, which slows down my machine and irritates the living shit out of me.

Yes, I am aware that this macro can be disabled. They just don't make it very easy to find. Intentionally, I'm sure - so as to irk me to no end.

Is it really 2 already? Oh my! I forgot to take my medication.

STEAMED RICE

This clip is must-see TV. Keith Olbermann has always had a way with words. Here he rips Condi a new one following a statement she made last Sunday regarding the unprecedented powers the Bush administration feels it needs to efficiently prosecute its pet “war” on terror, which might be better termed “The U.S. Terrorist Recruitment and Global Resentment Project.” (For the record: This is not to say our armed forces aren't deserving of our full support and respect - only that the architects behind the war may have been high on the fumes of fighter jet fuel when they built their case for it.)

Anyhow, this clip is a good 8 minutes long, and by good I mean GREAT. He really calls into question her knowledge of world history and U.S. policy - in amusing, intellectually stimulating fashion!

BOBBY BROWN ARRESTED AT CHEERLEADING COMPETITION

Made you look!

Headlines like these really grab your attention, don't they? I know it grabbed mine this afternoon on CNN. And, man, did I feel robbed when I clicked to find out he'd merely been picked up on a warrant for missing a court hearing while watching his daughter's cheerleading competition. Here I was salivating for something downright disgusting.

If you ask me, that headline is false newsvertising! If you tell me Bobby Brown is arrested at a cheerleading competition, I'm expecting a sordid tale of indecency and impending scandal. What's all this missed alimony and child-support payment bullshit? Where's the scandal in that?

Bobby Brown arrested again. Ho hum.

NOW THAT'S SMART!

As someone who does this for living, I can tell you that these ads are pretty damn cool. Some are smarter than Al Gore.

LEMMING OUT OF HERE!

“Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?' But conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular but because conscience tells one it is right.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Below are 25 elected officials who recently said one thing and did another. Yes, it goes on ALL the time in Washington - but in this case it involved a controversial, unpopular, and questionable decision on the part of our President to send tens of thousands MORE troops to Iraq - just in time, it turns out, to relieve all of the other quote/unquote "coalition" forces who announced this week they are pulling out.

This list of members of Congress is actually a list of cowards. Good, smart people who publicly criticized President Bush's escalation strategy prior to voting on it, but when it came time to make a decision decided to support it anyhow because that was the party line - essentially telling the American people that the solidarity of their political party is more important than a policy they don't agree with. They sure put the "I" in "Integrity" don't they?

Here are four fun examples:

Rep. Virginia Brown-Waite (R-FL): "It's too little, too late, and should have been done a year ago. ... I just get a feeling our country is being used."

Rep. Heather Wilson (R-NM): "I am not a supporter of a surge to do for the Iraqis what the Iraqis will not do for themselves."

Rep. Jeff Flake (R-AZ): "I have little confidence that a surge in troop levels will change the situation in Iraq in any substantive fashion. It seems clear that the violence in Iraq is increasingly sectarian, and inserting more troops in this atmosphere is unlikely to improve the situation.

Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH): "I am skeptical that a surge of troops will bring an end to the escalation of violence and the insurgency in Iraq...I'm absolutely against the surge."

But when all of their party members jumped off the cliff of escalation, they jumped off with them.

Party over country.

House

Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD)
Virginia Brown-Waite (R-FL)
Vern Buchanan (R-FL)
Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV)
Charles W. Dent (R-PA)
Jo Ann Emerson (R-MO)
Mike Ferguson (R-NJ)
Jeff Flake (R-AZ)
Rodney P. Frelinghuysen (R-NJ)
Bob Goodlatte (R-VA)
David Hobson (R-OH)
Kenny Hulshof (R-MO)
John McHugh (R-NY)
Candice Miller (R-MI)
Jerry Moran (R-KS)
Deborah Pryce (R-OH)
Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Edward Royce (R-CA)
Mark Souder (R-IN)
Tom Tancredo (R-CO)
Mac Thornberry (R-TX)
Greg Walden (R-OR)
Heather Wilson (R-NM)

Senate

Gordon Smith (R-OR)
Sam Brownback (R-KS)

Confucius say:

“To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice.”

Time to show these clowns the door.

HOMOPHOBONICS

Ex-NBA big-mouth Tim Hardonaway went on record last week as saying he wasn’t a big fan of homosexuals. This great bit from the Jimmy Kimmel show provides a fine response for Timmy.

LET'S SEE WHAT POPS UP NEXT

This story is another example of our legal system run amok. All it takes is the application of a little common sense on someone’s part and this whole thing goes away. Instead, we have a bunch of fucking morons holding a “presumed” innocent lady to the letter of a law she in all likelihood did not break. Here's a summary:

A substitute teacher in Connecticut reportedly entered class one morning and saw a group of 7th graders all giggling while huddled around the PC on her desk. She investigated and discovered that there were a bunch of pornographic pop-up ads on the screen, which the inquisitive, hormonal pre-teens were busily inspecting with shock and awe. It used to be that the JC Penney catalog was all it took to give me a "pop-up" - today kids are just a click away from full blown intercourse on the world wide web.

The teacher frantically shuttled her curious kids away from the offensive images, but word of their informal sex education ultimately got out, and now she’s on the verge of spending the next 40 years in prison. Yes - 40 years behind bars for a bunch of pop-up ads she had no control over.

An analysis of the hard drive revealed the presence of malicious spyware, which we’ve all experienced at one time or another. As you are likely aware, you don't even have to be browsing "adult" sites to fall prey to some of these sneaky bastards. One minute you're browsing free shit on Craig's list and the next thing you know you've got The World's Horniest Singles flashing all over your screen. That's the danger of "clicking around."

Had the school protected its computers adequately, spyware-bearing cookies never would have found their way in. How can anyone possibly accuse this woman of negligently exposing minors to pornographic material? And what's with this talk of locking her up for 40 years? Child molesters spend less time in the clink. That's enough time for a REAL criminal to commit a crime, do time, get out, commit another crime, do more time, get out again and commit another crime! Who the hell is behind this madness?

Here’s a link to the whole story if you'd like to read all about it. I hear you may even be able to send a letter of support.

KICK OUT THE JAMS & BARACK THE BLOCK!

You're going to hear a lot about Barack Obama in the next year. And not just from me. May as well do your homework. I did - and found one of the best speeches on the role of religion in politics I've ever heard.

I would admit that it's also the ONLY speech on religion and politics I've ever heard, but I don't want that to diminish the impact of the endorsement.

So what's it all about? Barack takes aim at conservative politicians who mean to portray all Democrats as godless and immoral. He says that the religious do not have a monopoly and morality, but also that constructive religious support has been essential throughout our nation's progress and cannot be ignored today. Some really great stuff in here, especially for open-minded conservatives.

Here's something to watch for that rubbed me the wrong way. I noticed that Barack changes his tone, inflection, and manner depending upon the crowd he is addressing. Before an assembly of church-going African Americans here, you'll note his delivery is decidedly more "urban," for lack of a better word. At first I found the subtle adjustment a little disingenuous of him (think Hillary). But then I caught myself doing the same exact thing! And I wasn't even aware I was doing it.

I realized that this adjustment in communication style and delivery, at least in my case, was occuring on a subconscious level. I wasn't choosing to forfeit grammar, gratuitously employ expletives as adjectives, and end all my sentences with apostrophes. I was just mirroring the people with whom I was interacting. And you'll notice Barack starts out doing a little of that here. It's actually kind of amusing. But he settles down about 3 minutes in and the common sense starts pouring out. Almost scares me to think that Americans, after hearing what this guy is shoveling, would even consider the alternatives. He's slick. He's sharp. And he's got good ideas. Which basically means he's screwed because if the results from last two presidential elections proved anything, it's that we don't want slick, sharp, and good ideas in the White House. We like our late night comedy just the way it is.

That won't stop me from drumming up support for him, though. I can't help it. I have a common sense fetish. Good ideas turn me on, baby. In fact, last night I downloaded every one of this guy's speeches, drew down the shades, and uncorked a bottle of red. It was hot. Didn't even make it half way through his first speech before I needed a cold shower.

Kidding inside, I encourage you not to dismiss this guy simply because he's a Democrat (dad), or because he's only been in politics for 10 years (isn't that a PLUS?), or because he's Christian, or because he's black, or because he's also white (didn't you know?), or because he's a man (didn't you know?), or because he's smoother than Billy Dee Williams, or because his name makes you think about a cave in Afghanistan, or because you don't vote (slacker).

Check out the issues link on his page when you get a chance. You might be surprised to learn you have a lot in common. When I saw government corruption third on his list of issues, it became instantly clear that he's been shopping AYNtK for ideas.

And I'm happy to provide them.

Barack: Three day work week, baby. We can DO this!

NO RESERVATIONS

Chief Illiniwek has taken sabbatical.

The University of Illinois has, at long last, been forced to retire its controversial Native American symbol/mascot (depending upon which side of the fence you sit) once and for all.

As an alum who once supported and celebrated the Chief, I can honestly say I wasn’t surprised or sad to see the Chief finally go – but only because I always knew it was just a matter of time. Those who wanted Illiniwek out were going to get their way eventually – because the people who wanted him to stay were, well, primarily well-to-do white people. And let’s face it – that just didn’t look good under the media's powerful hyper-P.C. microscope.

If Illiniwek supporters had the blessing of the native Amercan community, the story would be radically different. There’d probably be a lot more Chiefs out there, in fact. Chief Iowek. Chief Wisonsiwek. Chief Ohiowek. The names of so many of our nation’s states are derivatives of native American tribes. Fortunately, that hasn’t pissed anyone off yet. (I’ve got a list of alternative state names ready to go in the unlikely event we lose that battle. I like to be prepared.)

Certainly, there is a difference between naming the territories on a map after the native people who had thrived here prior to European expansion (germs!) and dressing up a college kid in an Indian suit and having him prance around barefoot on a basketball court surrounded by thousands of orange-clad white people swinging their arms like tomahawks, many of them reservation drunk and tragically undereducated as to actual Native American history and culture.

Whoa! Did I just say "reservation" drunk? What’s that supposed to mean? Isn’t that a negative Native American stereotype?

It sure is. And, sadly, those are the kinds of stereotypes that will persist in the wake of Illiniwek's burial, while less-offensive (if also less accurate) stereotypes like "the Chief" are discarded in the name of unchecked political correctness.

Personally, I never did see what was so offensive about Chief Illiniwek, his questionably authentic headdress, or his always-spirited quasi-endemic dance routine. While attending Illinois, I never got the feeling the University or its drunk students (myself included...but only after I turned 21, of course) ever regarded the the Chief as an unflattering representation of Native American history and culture. His dress and dance may have been contrived, in part, but not for the purpose of ridiculing a people.

The Chief was most certainly not, as many have argued, a caricature or cartoon – like the Cleveland Indians mascot. To many of us, he seemed real - and we came to associate our school pride with his image: a celebrated symbol of courage, strength, honor, and respect. When I see a Chief decal in the back window of a passing car, I don't giggle at the thought of a dancin' injun. I actually feel a sudden kinship with the driver of that car - as though we are members of the same tribe, so to speak.

It seemed the Chief's authenticity was always in question, and this was an ongoing struggle for supporters. But he wasn't supposed to be an actual person from the past - like Sacajawea, Crazy Horse, or Sitting Bull. He was a cultural composite of the many Native people who we still recognize to this day in the names of so many of our towns, counties, cities, and states. Why would early University officials have elected to associate their state school, its image and athletic program with a complete mockery?

Of course, they never did. But in the eyes of those who matter, that's what he has become.

And that, my friends, is really all that matters. I do not belong to the ethnic group of people his half-time circus act means to represent. I’m a mutt of various European descents - white bred to the core. So I’m really in no position to judge whether or not he is offensive to Native Americans. Only Native Americans can make that determination. And it appears they have. If the Native people after whom Chief Illiniwek was modeled find his use offensive, then it's incumbent upon those in power to be respectful of that - even if we the people cannot find it in ourselves to.

That's the point most die-hard supporters I know just don't get. It’s not whether white people, or people of other colors for that matter, find him offensive – it’s the people he is meant to represent who matter. If I call you "wise" and mean it in a good way, but you think I'm making fun of you, it doesn't matter that I am meaning it in a good way. All that matters is how you are taking it. If I keep calling you "wise" knowing that you don't like it, then I am disrespecting you. And that's what's been going on here for years.

It is indeed unfortunate that Illiniwek WAS respected and revered as a positive symbol of Native American culture. Minority groups may not have thought so - but he was. Had they come to appreciate the Chief as we did (and do), they would not have objected to his contrived pageantry and traditional exhibition. They would have embraced him. To an objective third party, the Chief's half-time ceremony wasn't an "offensive" one in and of itself. Illiniwek wasn't waving around a fist full of scalps. He wasn't shown stealing the women and raping the horses, or vice versa. He was simply performing a dance that celebrated the history of the people after whom our state was named. If that's a stereotype, I've got to tell you I've seen worse. But it's not about me. And I suppose that is all I need to know.

So save your Illini gear - might be worth something some day. Like the embarrassing lawn jockeys my grandfather, bless his departed heart, had no problem putting out in his front yard. Relics of a similar, less-enlightened time when it seemed okay to do something we have since agreed it is not.

Progress isn't always popular.

IF I ONLY HAD A PERSONALITY

My buddy JB sent me this great article on Barack Obama's star appeal. I found it quite entertaining. Here's an excerpt that made me snort milk out my nose all over the keyboard.

"The Illinois Senator is the ultimate modern media creature -- he's a good-looking, youthful, smooth-talking, buttery-warm personality with an aw-shucks demeanor who exudes a seemingly impenetrable air of Harvard-crafted moral neutrality. If Hillary Clinton even dares to open her mouth within a hundred feet of him at any time during the campaign, she's going to come off like a pig digging for truffles. Even Edwards -- the so-called "slick" candidate from '04 -- sounds like a two-bit suburban Buick dealer next to Obama. You get past the "issues," and it's a wipeout."

Spot on. It's called charisma. Hillary may be intelligent, motivated, and well-intended - but it's just so damn painful watching her speak. She's about as loose as the tin man. She needs to visit the wizard and get herself some charisma. Mos def.

CUT THE WETTING CAKE

New Mexico is pissed off about drinking and driving, so they came up with a sweet idea to send a message: Cake. But not just any cake. Urinal cake - the talking kind.

At $21 a pop, the state has ordered 500 urinal cakes that deliver a pre-recorded message designed to warn bar and restaurant patrons against drinking and driving. And on top of each cake is the state DWI slogan, "You drink, you drive, you lose."

NOW - Imagine for just a moment, if you will. Some drunk dude staggers into the bathroom to give the porcelain wall ornament one more shot when suddenly, from out of no where, a man's voice starts lecturing him on the perils of piloting while intoxicated.

The man freaks out, loses balance, and starts leaking all over the wall and floor. He presumes he is hallucinating, or perhaps even hearing the voice of the Almighty himself, which prompts him to head back to the bar for another drink. This, in turn, leads him right back into the bathroom for another round at the stand'n'go.

He enters slowly, peers around nervously, and swings in each stall door to be sure he is alone before finally unzipping for his final stream of consciousness. Confident in complete solitude, he stumbles up to the wall again and shoots a hot laser into the white dish, cutting sloppily into his wetting cake.

Again the voice mocks him, detailing the consequences of navigating buzzed. Alarmed, the man turns completely around, urinating wildly all over the slick tile floor and shouting for the menace to make himself known.

But now the voice is behind him.

He spins back around and eyes up the cake in the basin at his waist. He reaches in and angrily pries the preachy culprit from its foamy warm nest and hurls it hard at the opposite wall.

Just then, another patron swings open the rickety wooden door and catches a face-full of piss icing, spun in a flickering stream off a flying, talking plastic urinal cake. Tasting twice-filtered special export dribbling down his cheek, the surprise guest assumes an immediate state of rage and flies across the room at our would-be Olympic discus champ.

The two collapse in a puddle of tepid waste, rolling about heatedly, their clothes soaking up that evening's sterile chemical stew like a hungry sponge. A third patron steps through the threshhold in time to spy two men writhing about on the floor. He's so loaded he completely disregards the fracas and steps over to the nearest urinal to make a deposit. As he does so, a voice begins discussing the dangers of drinking and driving. The attacker on the floor hears this voice and thinks the guy at the urinal is lecturing him.

He scrambles to his feet, steps to the third man and runs his elbow hard in the back of the man's head. The original drunk, meanwhile, spies his opportunity to escape and bounds out the bathroom door. The aggressor hastily follows him out. The third man, dazed from the sudden blow he just received at the hands of a complete stranger, gains his faculties, zips up, and races out the door after the others. The first man jumps into his car and fishtails off. The second man drops his keys, recovers, unlocks his door and flies off down the road after the first. The third man stumbles out into the parking lot and sees the taillights heading off into the distance, so he hops into his car and joins pursuit.

Now we've got three dangerous drunkards ripping at insane speeds around curvy dark roads instead of responsibly weaving at 10MPH below the speed limit.

So I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - is this conversational urinal cake a good idea?

THE SUN NEVER SETS...

Did you hear what those randy Brits are up to?

Beginning on Valentine's Day (that's Wednesday, fellas) the pharmacy chain Boots plans to offer Viagra WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION.

According to the Boots company, its pilot program will be offered in three stores in Manchester first and is expected to last six months - although if erections persist longer than that, you should see a doctor immediately. Many believe the move will be the catalyst for a new sexual revolution. Never mind the upper lip - when it comes to keeping the anatomy "stiff," Britons clearly have something else in mind.

PEPPERMINTERNITY

I know it's a little early, but I couldn't resist. I just HAD to post these pictures of a pair of human skeletons wrapped in eternal embrace. They were uncovered at an archaeological dig site in Italy.





















I think this image would make for a good Certs ad.








"Breath-saving freshness that lasts a long, LONG time."

GANGSTAPELLA

This is an instant classic. I never realized the words were so dreadfully off-color. Kind of saddens me that there's a market for this ugly breed of hateful "crap" rap. At least the colelge kids in this clip knew to have fun with it. Well done!

And if you dig on that one, this dandy from Ben Folds is another winner. LOVE the literal slideshow graphics.

...AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER

Here's a copy of the field manual they're issuing to the 21,000 new troops Bush is sending over to Iraq.

ARE YOU READY FOR WEB 2.0?

This short film clip is pretty damn insightful. It's a visual description of the concept of the world wide web and an introduction to the next generation of this tremendously powerful virtual mind.

As I type and post this, I am actually teaching the web. Hard to imagine - but clearly the case. This web thing is fast becoming the stuff of science fiction literature.

AD IT UP

As usual, this year's Super Bowl commercials proved another disappointment. I think they were a bigger hit back when people tuned in to actually watch the game - not all the ads in between. Since there's been all of this hype about how cool and funny Super Bowl ads are supposed to be, expectations have run high. And as you know, expectations are the mother of disappointment.

That said, there were a few gems hidden in the rough. And here is a cool site where you can watch them all and vote for your favorite Super Bowl ads tournament style - bracket by bracket. I went through each round ad by ad and it is my professional opinion that Coke had the strongest spots. My final showdown was between e-Trade's "Things you can do with one finger" and Coke's "Vice City" which won my vote as best spot (but was only the 10th most popular ad according to this online resource).

If you've got a few minutes to browse around, check it out!

ONE DOLLAR CHILL

On top of record cold temperatures, it is now snowing here in the windy city. Several inches are expected to complete winter's inclement promise.

It was so cold this morning on my way to work that I actually saw a homeless man give another homeless man a dollar. I'm not kidding. Right under the Damen overpass before Webster I saw a raggedy homeless dude handing an even more destitute fellow a frozen dollar bill. You know it's cold when the homeless are helping out the homeless.

I think if I had a ton of disposable cash and nothing to do all day, I'd buy a huge sack of McDonald's cheeseburgers and drive around the city tossing them at hungry street folks. I like to think I'd do that, anyhow. In reality, I'd probably fire up a brand new XBOX and order a large pizza.

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

My buddy JB sent me a link this morning to the news story about San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome. Perhaps you heard of him. He first grabbed the national headlines when he championed same-sex marriage, defying a California law that denied gay folks the right to tie the knot. He became an overnight sensation...almost bigger than Cher...until the court got involved and ordered the city to go back to discriminating based on orientation like the rest of the state.

Gavin found the spotlight again recently when it was revealed that he'd been having an affair with the wife of his campaign manager. Imagine busting your ass tirelessly night and day for months on end to support someone you believe will make a real difference - and the whole time he's also been running for your wife's orifice.

Yesterday, Gavin announced he will be following in the footsteps of all public figures who get caught saying and doing bad things: he's entering rehab for alcohol abuse! Although the PC phrasology these days is for "alcohol use," not "alcohol abuse." Abuse sounds like a problem.

So let's sing - all together now! For he's a jolly good fellow...

Newsome's official statement is straight out of the damage control handbook:

"Upon reflection with friends and family this weekend, I have come to the conclusion that I will be a better person without alcohol in my life. I take full responsibility for my personal mistakes and my problems with alcohol are not an excuse for my personal lapses in judgment."

Do you notice how they always include that line about alcohol not being an excuse for their behavior? I suppose it's an attempt to own up and take responsibility, but how can it be taken seriously when it's attached to a rehab announcement? The whole point to announcing treatment in the first place is to provide an excuse for bad behavior. Why would you go out of your way to make a public announcement that you're entering rehab if not to provide an excuse? Yeah...he's taking FULL responsibility for his actions - even if alcohol made him do it.

BUMPER STICKERS

Here's an abridged list of bumper stickers I found online. Kudos to the fine minds behind some of these gems!

****************

• On an infant's shirt): Already Smarter Than BUSH

• 1/20/09: End of an Error

• That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

• Let's Fix Democracy in THIS Country first!

• If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

• Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

• IMPEACHMENT: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

• America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

• They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

• Cheney/Satan '08

• JAIL to the Chief

• Who Would Jesus Torture?

• No, Seriously, WHY Did We Invade?

• We Need a President Who's Fluent In English

• We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

• Is It Vietnam Yet?

• Bush Doesn't Care About The White People, Either

• Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

• The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

HI BURN 8

It is a cold day in Chicago.

A winter city once warm inside from the many sweet wines of victory now shivers in the bitter cold chill of defeat. The streets outside my window are quiet as the thermometer flirts with zero; salt-encrusted steel machines smoke on the boulevard - the only signs of life on this deathly frigid day. Puxtawhatever Phil tells us there is to be an early spring this year, but it is difficult to even imagine the season to come when the world remains so firmly in winter's grip.

Everything seems to crawl to a halt when it's this cold - myself included. Just as the molecules outside slow to a quivering array of frozen matter, we the breathing particles in this system too seem to slow. Information processes slowly. Movement feels impeded by invisible arms. I am perpetually on sleep's edge. It is a daily struggle to find the energy required to maintain the simplest of routines.

We are all just a few waking hours from hibernation. Just a couple of tasks and meals a day from sleeping as the mighty Bears, conserving energy for another go around the sun - which for all its fiery mass is only capable of teasing us now, even while it sustains us.

Nap anyone?

HIGH CLASS PICTURE

This picture features the bravest student in the history of the Chicago Public School system. He probably also has a rocket arm and gets picked first before every game of touch football, the little glue-sniffer.

Go Bears!





Did you know that, at the start of every NFL season, more bets are placed on the Bears to win the Super Bowl than any other team? Every season. Doesn't matter how good the team is supposed to be - Chicagoans bet money on da Bears. We're crazy stupid like that. Same goes for the Cubs. We love a good long shot - especially if our team is that long shot.

This season the Bears started as 12-1 odds to win it all. Not terrible odds - but not the greatest, either. Didn't matter to the betting public. And now Chicagoans are betting on da Bears in record numbers. But what worries me is the line. The line on the Super Bowl opened at 7 and hasn't moved. All that action on the Bears and the line hasn't budged a point. Why do you suppose that is? Someone's covering all those bets without thinking twice about it. Leads me to believe someone's taking care of business on the inside. Watch for an unevenly called game. Or perhaps Sexy Rexy is on the bookie's payroll. More than a couple unforced errors at key points during the game could be a sign that something is up. 7 points is considered a pretty big spread. Is the Colts offense really that much better than the Bears D?

And here I thought DEFENSE wins championships. Last I checked, the Colts didn't have much of one. Something smells fishy to me here - and not in a good way. This game is going to be a lot closer than people think.

My prediction? Bears 97, Colts 3.

Unless Rex has a good game, of course, in which case we'll probably break 100.

HAPI BETDE!

A friend here at the office turned 40 today and was shocked when I informed him that he was beginning his 41st year here. He told me that factoring in the time he was in his mother's womb didn't count. I assured him I was not considering that time at all.

"Your birthday records the number of years you've COMPLETED," I explained, "Not the number of the year you are in."

"Come again?"

"When you turn 1, you're not starting your first year...you're DONE with it. Your first birthday celebrates an entire tour of duty here. One full year completed. When you turn 40, you're celebrating having gone around the sun 40 full times. So you're actually ushering in your 41st year. You just kicked off year 41 of your life."

"So when I was 39..."

"On your 39th birthday you were actually beginning your 40th year."

He suddenly walked off muttering something under his breath and hasn't spoken to me since.

DON'T BE A SQUARE

Looking for another timewaster?

Check out this Squares Game. You just move your center square around eating up a bunch of other squares - but watch out for the red squares. They're very BAD!

I've played it a number of times and topped out around 9,000 points and 100 squares. They claim the high for the site is over 18,000. Hard to even imagine!

It starts out pretty easy but gets progressively more difficult as the speed of incoming red squares increases. Plus, the size of your original black square gets bigger the more squares you consume! HINT: The circles give you special powers. If you get the invincible one, just start wiping the screen clean and ring up points fast!

I also dig the techno dance beat in the background. Really gets me fired up...

NOW THAT'S SUPER!

Do you know the origin of the name “Super Bowl”?

Don't lie. Nobody does. It’s just one of those words that’s been around forever and no one ever stops to wonder why. It’s the Super Bowl and that’s that. As far as most Americans are concerned, the term Super Bowl has been around since the signing of the Declaration of Independence and is written into our nation’s Constitution. We don’t question its origin because it’s not important. What’s important is what the Super Bowl stands for – a chance for Americans to worship two of their favorite false idols at once: sport and media. I can't wait to find a good spot in front of that enormous HDTV television and settle in for 5+ hours of extreme overeating and overhyped coverage.

Where traditional holidays are given to family, televised cultural events like the Super Bowl (and the Oscars to a lesser degree) provide a good excuse for gathering with friends. It’s like a second Thanksgiving – this time with junk food and drunk friends. Nevermind the turkey...could you pass that 7-layer taco dip! And who brought these mini beef roll thingies? They're incredible!

So where DID the term “Super Bowl” come from? Okay, I’ll tell you. A little closer, please – I don’t want everyone to hear this. It’s actually an off-the-cuff combination of words jokingly uttered by one of the original organizers. Here’s what happened.

Back in 1967 there were two football leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League. The former was the original league; the latter was an upstart rival. After 7 years, the upstart rival AFL became successful enough that people started wondering which league was better. So it was agreed upon that the champion of the National Football League would play the champion of the American Football League to settle things once and for all.

The Commissioner of the NFL, Pete Rozelle, suggested they call that game “The Big One.” A creative genius he was not. Nor was AFL Founder Lamar Hunt, who recently passed away. But it was Lamar's term that ultimately stuck. He claims he was thinking about all of those college football championship games that had been called "bowls" for years when he said: “This game is going to be like a ‘super’ bowl!”

And upon hearing those words together, everyone in the meeting just looked around at each other and agreed: “That name totally sucks, but let’s use it anyhow for now…until we can come up with something better.”

True story - even the last part. “Super Bowl” was intended to be a stop-gap name – a placeholder they’d use temporarily until they could work out something more meaningful. Super Bowl, after all, was kind of generic. Super? Bowl? Why not just call it the Uber Mega Ultimate Super Championship of the Universe? Because Super Bowl was alsmot perfect in its simplicity.

And so today, all these years later, we're still calling “the Big One” the Super Bowl. And a super day it is certain to be...

A DANDY LION INDEED

I love this one. Two 11th graders in Southampton, Hampshire managed to pull off the ultimate school prank. Or perhaps I should say "pull out."

A couple years ago the unnamed duo sprayed weed killer on their school lawn in the shape of a monstrous penis. School staff since re-seeded the damaged area, but not before satellite photos memorialized their feat from space. The appendage can now be seen on Microsoft Virtual Earth and other satellite mapping programs.

Looks like the kids of Southampton High have a new "hang out."

TO SPOOF A PREDATOR

Here's an amusing spoof of those Dateline "To Catch a Predator" shows. The end is the best part.

...AND I FEEL FINE

Are you familiar with the concept of rapture? I recently decided to familiarize myself with end of the world, and this was the word that kept coming up. Rapture. Rapture. Rapture. What's a rapture, I thought. So I looked it up.

Some dictionaries list rapture as a sensation of absolute ecstasy, like the rapture Chicagoans are likely to feel when the Bears upset the Colts on Sunday in Miami. Or the great Rapture certain to envelope America upon Bush's exit from la casa blanca. In theologian terms, however, the “Rapture” means something entirely different. It’s the term used to describe an upcoming event where Christians are taken by God to Heaven – which sounds like a pretty cool deal, except that a lot of folks aren’t invited to the big bash in the sky. Nope – a bunch of us are going to be spending eternity on the curb outside of the 7-11 - lost and without hope.

Voted out of the tribe in Heaven.

Curious? So was I. So I dug a little deeper. For those of you as ignorant about the fundamental tenets of Christianity as I am, here’s a frightening look at the end of the world as we know it.

According to Biblical prophecy, the Rapture is scheduled to occur 7 years before the end of this age. What age is “this” age? That is subject to interpretation, but let’s assume for our soul’s sake it’s the one we’re in now. The age of "now" I like to call it for simplicity's sake. So there’s a 7 year period at the END of this age…and at the end of those 7 years, Christ will be coming out of retirement for his long-anticipated encore performance. The big show is being billed as the “Second Coming,” and while Jesus was one groovy guy (by most modern accounts), his reunion tour is expected to be a complete catastrophe.

Literally. Yeah - by all accounts, when JC comes back, he's all business.

But let me back up for second and explain why Christ is coming out of retirement in the first place. In the interim 7 years between the Rapture and the Second Coming, there is the expected emergence of someone by the name of Antichrist. That would be our antagonist. I used to hear "Antichrist" and think of folks like Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, Hillary Clinton, and Pat Robertson. And my grandmother swears it's Paul Wolfowitz. But according to my sources, the real antichrist is going to be a charming, childless man from Europe. And he’s going to really start mixing shit up.

At the end of 7 years, the planet is going to be in such a state of disarray that Christ will enter stage center wearing a kung-fu robe. A Battle Royale ensues. I read that Don King is already promoting the event on his website, promising plenty of pay-per-view entertainment for the terrified masses. And the executives at FOX are even kicking around some programming concepts for when the Apocalypse is in full swing. Of note are two shows, the first one a reality TV show centered on a “band of brothels” trying to promote procreation in a world where sexual dysfunction and disinterest have become the norm. This one would be called ‘Armageddon Laid’. The second will feature a guy who turns McDonalds restaurants into churches in an effort to promote faith and community on a mass scale as only the best branded corporations of our time have managed. This show will be titled ‘Prophesize Me.”

No, not really. I shouldn't joke. This is serious stuff I’m talking about here! I only make light of the end of the world to bring it to your attention. Do I have your attention yet? No? Okay...let me try terrorizing you. While JC and this debonair European antichrist dude go Armageddon on each other, it is expected that a THIRD of the world’s population will be exterminated. That’s like 2.2 BILLION people! Do I have you attention now? Yeah – this Rapture thing is pretty intense.

Of course, my entire tongue-in-cheek description here is just the Cliff’s Notes version. And it's not even that accurate depending on who you ask. Most Christians don't even agree on what the Rapture will entail, or when it will come. For a more complete explanation, I recommend a good Protestant Bible (the Roman Catholics, I should note, don't call it Rapture at all). If you're too busy to look it up yourself, this is what you need to know about the end of the world:

Good, God-fearing Christians will be saved and the rest of humanity will suffer a great end.

Totally uncool if you ask me. What about the billions of people on this planet whose religious beliefs are contrary to the teachings of Christianity? There are a lot of genuinely good people in this world who don't believe a word of the Bible. Presuming there's any credence to the concept of Rapture, wouldn't they be worth saving?

I have a calculator at my desk and I did a little number crunching. There are roughly 6.5 billion people in the world. If a third of us are wiped out, that leaves 4.3 billion people left to start over again. The number of people expected to depart earth is roughly equivalent to the total number of Christians in the world. Is this a coincidence? Are we all guest starring in the final season of LOST? Here is the population of the world broken down into religious figures, pardon the pun.

1 Christianity: 2.1 billion (1.1 billion of which are Catholics)
2 Islam: 1.3 billion
3 Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist: 1.1 billion
4 Hinduism: 900 million
5 Chinese traditional religion: 394 million
6 Buddhism: 376 million
7 Primal-indigenous: 300 million
8 African Traditional & Diasporic: 100 million
9 Sikhism: 23 million
10 Juche: 19 million
11 Spiritism: 15 million
12 Judaism: 14 million
13 Baha'i: 7 million
14 Jainism: 4.2 million
15 Shinto: 4 million
16 Cao Dai: 4 million
17 Zoroastrianism: 2.6 million
18 Tenrikyo: 2 million
19 Neo-Paganism: 1 million
20 Unitarian-Universalism: 800,000
21 Rastafarianism: 600,000
22 Scientology: 500,000
23 Universal Way of the Jolly Llama: 1...but catching on fast!
There sure are a lot of different ideas out there! And most of these systems of belief are mutually exclusive by design. That is to say, to have one faith is to deny the faiths of others. Religion isn't a Chinese menu off of which you can mix and match different dishes to suit your spiritual taste. Not in theory, anyhow. Historically, people have been told that one discipline is the true discipline and everyone else is on the wrong path. There's a frightening rigidty to it. But in practice, there's a lot of customization going on today. Globalization has brought world's people closer together, exposing us to more ideas and different thought. More and more people are opening their minds to ask "what if"? So the lines in this pie chart aren't as solid as they appear - there's a lot of crossover going on as the colors start bleeding into one another.

Ask around and you'll find actual beliefs vary widely - often within congregations! There are over 2 billion Christians all lumped together in the largest piece of the pie, most of whom disagree with one another on some pretty basic ideas. with so many different messages out there, how is one to know which ones to listen to and which ones to tune out?

We tend to take religion and make it our own. We personalize it. We internalize it. We shape it to fit our lifestyle. It's spiritualism for the new millenium - and for one world. A best practices thing is happening here whereby ideas with merit stick, while those rooted in antiquity are phased out over time. Perhaps that is what is happening with Jihadist Islam today. A miniscule faction of militaristic muslims are discovering there's little worldwide support for their brand of extremism. Killing people who don't share in your beliefs is not among those religious practices civilization chooses to encourage. So they are meeting resistance and have been largely confined to desolate, dangerous places. They're fighting for their dying beliefs like a cornered animal...but the world's civilized people have collectively said "no" to terror. The global human organism understands that the cancer of violent religious fanaticism must be destroyed for the future success of the species.

But I digress...

What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Rapture! So let's get to the part you've been waiting for. WHEN IS THE END OF THE WORLD? Well, according to Rapture Ready, the website tracking our progress toward the end of the world, there’s a lot of disturbingly prophetic activity going on that would indicate the end of the world is nigh.

You can check out the Rapture Index here. Looks to me like we’re speeding toward the Rapture right now! The Rapture Index is a visual measure of world catastrophe intended to predict the Second Coming. It’s basically a snapshot of global strife that changes from day to day. As events in our world unfold, some good and some bad, the Index increases or decreases. And, believe it or not, according to the Rapture Index, we’re on an upswing right now that could be signaling the end of days.

According to my calendar, the end of the world is scheduled for late 2012. So that leaves us all a few more years to atone.

I'm no theologian. I'm actually the first one to admit I know VERY little about religion. But I honestly don't know about all of this biblical prophecy stuff. I tend to think the end of the world is going to be a lot swifter than any of us can fathom. And like an ant in the shadow of a footstep, we probably won't even know it's coming.

Except Chuck Norris, of course, who will ready and waiting.

ANIMAL CANDIES

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, so here's a timely link to some candy-related news. It's an update on the folks at Necco, the candymaker behind those little heart-shaped sugar bombs kids have been passing around for decades. There are 10 new phrases to look for this year, and they have a decidedly animalistic bent to them:

• COOL CAT
• PUPPY LOVE
• TAKE A WALK
• MY PET
• BEAR HUG
• TOP DOG
• URA TIGER
• GO FISH
• LOVE BIRD
• PURR FECT

And I've also been working a few extensions of this theme for next year's batch:

• PLAY DEAD
• PET ME
• BARE HUG
• DOG STYLE
• IN HEAT
• I BITE
• NICE TAIL
• WHIP MEOW

THE iNCREDIBLES

Here are some fantastic Photoshopped creations of imaginary future Mac products. My personal favorite is the iBrator. Sweet.

Graphic designers are colorful folks.

PROCRASTINATORS OF AMERICA REJOICE

Tax day has been postponed two days this year and will fall on April 17, 2007. That's two more days to let that stack of tax forms sit on your kitchen table. Two more days to say, "I'll do it tomorrow." Two more days to watch American Idol uninterrupted. Turns out April 15th falls on a Sunday this year, and Monday the 16th is Emancipation Day, an obscure holiday for the folks who live in D.C. - so your taxes aren't officially due until Tuesday the 17th. And that's all you need to know about that.

LOOK WHO DROPPED IN!

I love stupid criminal tricks. This surveillance video is a fucking classic. They pieced together video footage from outside and inside surveillance cameras to show you how NOT to rob a liquor store. The star of this short clip is a real winner whose mom should be very proud.

And if you're thinking of knocking over a booze mart, please take notes.

GOVERNMENT SNOW PLOW

I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!

I found out something really disturbing a few weeks ago and I don’t know who to talk to about it, so I am just going to share it here. I have lived my entire lifetime unaware that there are people in this world who stand up to wipe their ass. And the people who informed me that this was the way they cleaned their house were equally shocked to discover that there are people in this world who wipe their ass while seated.

I remember it came up in casual conversation among friends during my New Years trip to Austin. I can’t say exactly how we arrived upon the topic of asswiping, but it is really not so uncommon for conversations with me to plunge into the defacatory realm. I guess you could say I like to talk a lot of shit. Shit is something we all know about because we all do it. I personally find the topic a nice icebreaker. It’s like the new weather.

OLD: Did you hear about that storm headed that way?

NEW: I find bananas really clean me out. Have you enjoyed similar success with any other fruits with peels?

But back to the fecal matter at hand. I remember a comment was made, and for clarification I delved a little deeper, at which point it became quite clear that the folks I was speaking with preferred to stand while wiping their ass. The ensuing look of shock on my face gave me away as a sitter. There was suddenly silence. No one knew how to react to this earth-shattering revelation.

It really felt like two worlds had collided – we just stared at one another, awkward and a little afraid, adrenalin pumping…not unlike, I would imagine, the colonists and natives coming face to face for the very first time. Who ARE these people, we thought of each other. So similar to us...and yet so very exotic and strange.

We immediately demanded from one another our rationales for sitting/standing to wipe and were awestruck to realize they were identical! I was told that the only way to really get access is to stand up. And yet, when I stand up, my ass cheeks naturally swing back together like saloon doors – which, frankly, I find dangerous. One moist dingleberry and you’ve got ass pancakes. Not pretty.

I’ve always just reached back from my seated position since my cheeks are already at maximum spread. It just seems it would be a safer, more effective method for asskeeping than standing up and trapping anything that may not have pinched entirely free.

I don’t know – I just don’t see it. And yet I was told by several people (whose hands I will never shake again) that they preferred to stand and wipe. Me? I won't stand for it.

STAMPEDE!

I borrowed a stamp from a coworker today and it dawned on me that I hardly have a need for them anymore. I pay virtually all of my bills online now – at least the ones that aren’t automatically deducted every month. Needing a stamp today made me think back to the stack of bills I used to have sitting on my desk. Paying them all used to be such a hassle. Writing out all those checks, stuffing the envelopes, paying for stamps, and marching down to the mailbox. These days I pay bills in between checking e-mail and checking scores. I click a couple of buttons, type in the amount, and hit send. Done. Bills paid. And since I’ve never been the thoughtful type who sends holiday and birthday cards, my need for stamps has really waned in recent years.

But that didn’t stop me from appreciating the novelty in the link I'm about to share. For a small upcharge you can actually order custom designed stamps with your own personal photos on them! Like, for example, if you’re a sorry ass Packers fan, you might want to turn that popular photo of Rex Grossman getting his ass blasted by a Packers lineman (you know the one I'm talking about) into a postage stamp before mailing out your invites for this year’s Super Bowl party. They’ve even got a library of photos you can go through. Are they real stamps? Please. You did not just ask me that. Of course they are, silly.

If you still use stamps and have a few minutes to upload some pics, this could be big fun. Check it out!

EVERYDAY MAGIC

Before he started appearing on those car commercials, this magician was just a street performer. Check out some of his routine here. Damn good stuff.

BLUE ORLEANS

Do you know what today is? It's blue monday!

It's the day "experts" believe is the gloomiest, most depressing day of the year. And for folks in New Orleans and New England, blue Monday is certainly living down to the hype. Both NFL teams suffered agonizing defeats in yesterday's conference championship playoff round, leaving tens of thousands even more miserable than normal on this dreariest of all days.

Why is Blue Monday considered so blue? A combination of factors contribute: weather, debt, time since Christmas, time since failing our new year's resolutions, low motivational levels, and the feeling of a need to take action. Yes, we're a bunch of cold, broke quitters with a list full of things to do and no motivation. No wonder we're feeling so blue!

At least those of here in Chicago have da Bears, so for us it feels more like Blue and Orange Monday. If we're not feeling well here it has less to do with the weather and more to do with the amount of celebrating we did last night. OUCH. I noticed that Vegas already has da Bears listed as 7 point underdogs. I like it. Nothing gets us midwestern folks riled up more than lack of respect.

Personally, I don't feel so blue today. Probably because of the massive crap I took this morning. Nothing like a power dump to start the morning off right.

NEIGHBORHOODS WITHOUT NEIGHBORS

Here’s an interesting theory on why our nation's arch conservatives are so fucked up. The author offers an insightful look into the despair of suburban communities and suggests this feeling of hopelessness is having a profound impact on ideology. I found a surprising amount to agree with in this well-articulated opinion piece.

Here's an excerpt:

"The engine that drives the radical Christian Right in the United States, the most dangerous mass movement in American history, is not religiosity, but despair. It is a movement built on the growing personal and economic despair of tens of millions of Americans, who watched helplessly as their communities were plunged into poverty by the flight of manufacturing jobs, their families and neighborhoods torn apart by neglect and indifference, and who eventually lost hope that America was a place where they had a future.

"This despair crosses economic boundaries, of course, enveloping many in the middle class who live trapped in huge, soulless exurbs where, lacking any form of community rituals or centers, they also feel deeply isolated, vulnerable and lonely."

That's good stuff right there. Soulless exurbs? I'm diggin' the rhetoric big time. There's plenty more where this came from.

MIXING PLEASURE WITH BUSINESS

I don’t know how it happened but I became important somehow – and it’s really starting to have a negative impact on my ability to be a good time.

When I first got out of college, I scored a full time gig writing for a local ad agency in Champaign, Illinois. It didn’t pay a whole lot, but then I suppose I didn’t really work a whole lot, either. We didn’t have a lot of clients, so I had a LOT of down time. I later came to understand that too much down time = unemployment office. But I was young, naive, and carefree, so I played computer games, e-mailed friends, started a couple of screenplays I wouldn’t finish, and kicked off an internet e-letter called All You Need to Know.

Yes - the very same AYNtK. There was a lot going on inside that I felt I needed to get out. And, surprisingly, people were interested in what I had to say. So I kept writing. In many ways, it was more rewarding to me personally than anything I was doing professionally at the time. Truly a labor or love.

Back then I would spend much of my workweek, every week, researching information about news, events, and little known facts…and then sharing that information with people all over the world – most of whom were strangers I would never know. I made fun of a lot of things, too, most of all myself, because it’s important to have a sense of humor. I definitely had a lot of fun back then, which is more than I can say for my poor liver. But the liver is doing much better today…what’s left of it.

In many ways, those were the days. Rent was cheap. Beer was cheap. My taste in everything was cheap. But even then I knew I had way more potential…and eventually, I was going to have to explore the world outside of that small, Midwestern campustown. Not long after 9/11/01, I moved back to sweet home Chicago, where I was born and raised. I got a job at a suburban marketing firm, nearly doubled my salary, and almost immediately began flushing that extra cash away on expensive rent, expensive beer, and more expensive taste in everything. That’s what city living is all about.

That was also when I discovered that there is a different pace to life in the city. People drive you to work harder and longer hours. Traffic congestion, crime, pollution, and other ills of city living began to sink in and I started wondering what the hell I’d done. I was driving myself crazy at the office, assuming more responsibilities by the day and falling asleep at 8:30 every night. It was brutal. Between the long commute and the even longer work day, I found I little time or energy left for myself at the end of the day. But it was good experience to have, however short-lived, if for no other reason than it showed me what was important to me: living close to work, relatively normal work hours, and ambient, natural light.

A year and a half after signing on in that suburban nightmare, I bailed for a small creative shop in the west loop.

Being the only writer at an agency is a blessing and a curse. There’s some degree of job security in being the only guy in house who can turn a phrase, but there’s also a lot of pressure being the only guy in house who can turn a phrase. I learned that mt previous experience was serving me well, and I was a lot better at doing the things the clients pay money for.

And then I got promoted.

And then I got promoted again.

And then I got promoted again. All in just the last year. I’ve been handed more responsibility than I’ve ever had before…an almost frightening amount, to be honest. But I keep accepting it because I know I can handle it. And because it’s good to feel needed. And because I’m still saddled by a tremendous amount of student loan debt. Unfortunately, the promotions came without the pay increases that might typically be expected. But at least now I have more options than I did a year ago. If they can't line your pockets with gold, you need to find that silver lining.

So here I sit - busier than can be. These days I don’t really have a ton of time to research information about news, events, and little known facts. And I don’t really have time to make fun of a lot of stuff, not even myself. Which sucks because it’s important to have a sense of humor. But it’s also important to feel financially secure, and that’s why I’ve been so out of touch lately. I’ve become important somehow - and it's really having a negative impact on my ability to be a good time.

But I can still feel it inside. There’s a lot left to share. A lot left to talk about. And I WILL get it out eventually...

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

How often does reality meet your expectations? If you're like most people, the answer is not very often. For some reason, events seldom seem to play out as we imagine they might. The reason, of course, is that there are a lot of variables in this equation we call life. Too many, in fact, to account for them all. And yet, perhaps naively, we continue to try. Painting pictures in our minds of the way life's supposed to be...establishing expectations as a matter of routine. And for what?

Expectations are byproducts of self-awareness - the construction of future events for the purpose of creating order. It's as if we feel the more we can predict about the way things will be, the more control we will have over the course of our lives. It's always about control. And yet it can be argued that the true order of things cannot be perceived by the human mind – ergo, the order we impose upon things is a false order. Further, we presume everything about the future based on a very limited, very human sensory experience. How myopic!

Right now an infinite number of gears are turning, all of which have an impact on all of the other gears. It is a brilliant and beautiful act of divine synchronization...one we can't even begin to comprehend. Countless variables computing tirelessly and simultaneously - a giant engine of universal cognition. If one thing about the future is certain, it is that the future is uncertain.

I have concluded that expectations should be avoided. They are distractions - the children of insecurity, and the mother of disappointment. We commonly tell one another to move on from yesterday so that we can better experience today. Likewise, would we not benefit from withdrawing ourselves from tomorrow in favor of a more current consciousness? Or is the blessing of imagination also a curse that both enriches our lives with great promise and limits our growth? Expectations, like our wildest dreams, limit us. They create borders in our minds that prevent us from achieving our full potential. Worse, dreams and expectations can discourage us when we fail to realize them.

Dream when you sleep. When you're awake, live.

THE FANTASTIC FANATIC

Here's a sweet clip that's been floating around for a while. Someone recently did us the courtesy of "translating" the subject's German to English for us. While it's fun to watch (and listen to) on its own merit, the rather loose translation is a fucking riot.

Chicago Cubs fans ought to get a real kick out of it...just be sure to gut it out until the end. Sums up life as a Cubs fan nicely in about 4 minutes.

INSECURITY

Here's a link to a site where you can make your own motivational posters. I posted a couple of my own special designs last year (you may recall) but refused to share the link because I didn't want you to be as cool as me.

I think sufficient time has passed that I can now share this with you...

Enjoy!

SOLDIER MACHISMO

Soldiers are brave...but this guy takes the cake in my book. He's a Lieutenant who's refusing to go back to Iraq on the grounds the war is "illegal." And he may end up in a maximum security military prison for 6 years as a result.

Here’s an interview with the first commissioned U.S. officer to publicly refuse his deployment orders. This wasn't just a snap decision, either. You can tell this guy has thought a lot about it...and makes some pretty good arguments in his defense. Definitely worth a browse if you're looking to burn a few minutes while your afternoon crap percolates.

DEEP IN THE HEART

How was your New Years? Do anything fun? Me neither. Okay, that's a lie. G and I took a little trip and had a blast. If you think I'm going to waste my precious time telling you all about it, you know me pretty well...

I took a trip to Austin, Texas to visit some close friends and ring in 2007 with one of my favorite musical artists, and hometown favorite, Bob Schneider (whose link is in the sidebar). That dude jams, y'all. If you get a chance to catch him live, I highly recommend it. As for Austin, it's pretty damn hard to beat 72 degrees in late December...so I had a hot time on the merit of the weather alone.

This was my first visit to the Lone Star state capital, so we did all of the touristy things to do: took a tour of the Capitol building, snapped a bunch of pictures that didn't turn out, wandered the streets of Austin's historic downtown, stuffed our bellies with local cuisine (mostly barbecue and chipotle-infused you-name-it), investigated shopping boutiques in various districts, got lost, got drunk, and got arrested.

Arrested? No. Not really. We tried - but they don't arrest folks for just anything down there. Ask Dick Cheney. He shot a man in the face last year and the authorities responded like Texans shoot people in the face all the time. What they ARE serious about down there in Texas is drinking and driving. I got the impression it was a BIG problem from all of the signs and radio ads warning against it. It seemed every on-ramp to every major highway around Austin's city limits has a massive electronic light board threatening jail time for drinking and driving. We decided it would be in our best interest not to test them on this.

A couple things about Austin. Our trip was fantastic - but largely because we were visiting a number of good friends who helped make our stay a special one. Had we been on our own, I'm not certain Austin would have been as exciting a destination as we had anticipated. You've heard the expression, "Nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there." For me, Austin is probably the opposite: seemed to be GREAT place to live, but not exactly the best place to go on holiday. Unless you've got friends there, of course - which we did. And that made this New Years adventure a memorable one. At least the part of it I can actually remember. I'll know more about my New Years Eve once everyone uploads their digital pics and I can see what I was doing.

They like thinking of themselves as "weird" down there in Austin - but I didn't see a whole lot that was truly out of the ordinary. There were t-shirts, hats, stickers, and buttons everywhere we went that read: "Keep Austin Weird." I guess the locals don't like all the new blood spilling in and watering down their "cool" pool, so they promote "weirdness" almost as a branded heritage that's uniquely theirs. In truth, I see weirder every day right here in Chicago. I guess it all depends on what you're used to. Austin isn't "weird" so much as it is different from the rest of Texas. And that might be explained by its more liberal leanings. As a younger, hipper "college" town, it's ideologically out of synch with the rest of the state.

Here's something else you should know about Austin. Their baked beans are WAY different. I ordered them as a side several times and they're relatively dry and taste like chili seasoning. I was expecting sweet molasses gravy with sliced onions and thick bacon chunks...like I'm used to here in the midwest. I have to say, I didn't much care for the beans, which I'm sure my hosts were just fine with. Me and baked beans don't always agree with one another, and it's the folks nearby who always end up suffering. I actually unleashed a real doozy at the Whole Foods grocery store down there that had shoppers gsping and hacking in the aisles. It was brutal. A long, slow leaker that I had to work out of my jeans by taking long strides and patting out the trapped air between steps. When I sensed it was following me, we departed in a hurry. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, I'm pretty sure I saw a fleet of fire engines screaming their way down 5th toward ground zero. Nasty.

Speaking of the Whole Foods, I have to tell you, WOW. Austin's flagship store is simply amazing. I actually made the comment that it was almost worth moving down to Austin simply to be near it. It was THAT kick ass. Chicago has a couple of Whole Foods grocery stores. They're a little pricier than the other local chains because, in theory, a lot of the stuff there is better for you. Organic. All natural. Steroid and insecticide free. So it's earned a reputation as being the "health food" grocery store, which to me has always meant "flavor free food." But that is not the case with Whole Foods. In fact, a lot of their stuff actually tastes BETTER. And if you take the time to look at the labels, it's not all that healthy for you, either. At least not the stuff I'd actually pay money to eat.

Por ejemplo, our hosts insisted we purchase some of their "cowboy burger" patties. They were, simply put, the best burgers I'd ever tasted. Yes, even better than Fuddruckers. I know - hard to believe...but TRUE. I think the fact that they were pan-fried in a half stick of butter may have had something to do with that, but they were still damn tasty of their own accord. Loaded with jalapenos, bacon, garlic, onion, and cheese, every bite was a juicy taste explosion. Heavenly.

And that was just one food item. The entire store was magnificent. First off, it was ENORMOUS. They had winding aisles that weaved charmingly in and out of larger corridors. There were food stations and mountains of displays everywhere. Everything was cooked, packaged, stacked, and presented in excess. I saw a column of holiday pies so large they would never all be purchased - displayed entirely for effect. It was like visiting a museum celebrating America as the land of plenty. The produce section was so vibrant and colorful it looked like the Partridge Family bus had plowed into a farmer's market. There were manned stations everywhere offering more varieties of food than I knew existed. They had a sushi bar. A bakery. A butcher shop. It was almost too much for a food lover like me to handle. But that's when I felt a massive fart coming on and had to plan my impromtu exit strategy. I easily could have spent all day in there whipping my salivary glands into an anticipatory frenzy.

All in all, our trip to Austin was fabulous. Although if I go again it will be to see my friends, not the city. Oh yeah, and we saw a mullet. That, naturally, made the whole journey instantly worthwhile.

BAD CARMA

As you may have already read, my car was hit by an old man driving a van a few weeks ago. Sucked. The bastard then decided to park his van right across the street - still bearing my paint on its side. Police were of little assistance because no one had witnessed the impact. And the insurance company has been slow to pursue an investigation because my $1,000 deductible covered most of the damage. I left a letter on the widshield of the van in an effort to coax the driver into fessing up, but to date have enjoyed no such luck. I decided I was just going to have to chalk it up to bad "carma."

And then the improbable happened.

Geri and I walked down the steps of her apartment and out onto the front stoop Christmas Eve day. On the concrete there, next to a dirty door mat, was a tiny sliver of gray plastic. I noticed it, but thought little of it until I stepped down the second set of stairs and opened the front gate facing Damen Ave. On the sidewalk outside the gate were strewn more plastic bits and pieces, all shimmering gray and metallic in the mid-morning sunshine. What the fuck is all this crap, I thought.

My eyes lifted up and I noticed that the car in front of me was missing its driver side side-view mirror. Upon second look, that car was my car. I walked into the street and looked at the driver's side. I had been hit again - the victim of a second hit-and-run accident in 11 days! This time, the driver of the other vehicle had been silver, and by the look of the damage, had been traveling at a pretty high rate of speed as it caromed out of control and into my poor once-new Passat. Looking up and down the block, there were pieces of glass, metal, and plastic everywhere. The mirror had completely shattered upon impact, sending car parts tens of feet in every direction...a tiny plastic slivers had made it all the way up the steps of neighboring condos.

Talk about bad carma.

I called my insurance company to report my second hit-and-run claim in 11 days. They asked the usual battery of questions, surely suspicious of my routine and activities. How does something like this happen twice in so short a period of time? The bad news only got worse. My $1000 deductible for the first collision did not apply to the second one. They were separate claims, and I would have to pay $1000 out of pocket for each of them before the insurance company would cover anything.

Two grand. Gone in the blink of an eye. Merry fucking Christmas. But I decided I would not let it ruin my holiday. I continued to shop and spend as though I still had all that money in the bank, fully confident that the universe would compensate me for my trouble in 2007.

I've also been parallel parking my "loaner" with two tires up on the curb to be on the safe side.

HOLY CRAP!

Is it 2007 already? I feel like I went to sleep in 2000 and woke up 7 years later. How did we get here? Are we really this close to the year 2010? Am I really this old? Seems like just the other day we were celebrating the millenium. Suddenly we're looking at the second space odyssey. And I didn't fully comprehend the first one!

Anyhow, happy new year. Whatever happened last year, put it behind you. That was last year - and by almost all accounts, it was a pretty awful year. I've got a pretty good feeling about this year, though. I think you're going to like it. Most of it. Unless you believe Pat Robertson, who predicts a devastating terrorist attack here in the states with millions of casualties. There's lookin' on the bright side. Hey, Pat - how about having a little faith?