ARE YOU READY FOR THE FINAL LEG?

Check this out.

So, for about a week now I've been experiencing this strange, warm sensation in my lower left leg.

It's not painful. There's no tightness. It just completely freaks me out.

What does it feel like? My front calf will just suddenly feel very warm for no reason between my ankle and my knee - almost as if that part of my leg is resting against a space heater. The warmth spreads and fades rapidly. It doesn't burn or ache, and when I touch that part of my leg with my hand it does not feel warm to the touch. The entire sensation occurs inside, and many times throughout the course of the day - always in the same location.

The first few times it happened, I would stand up and stretch and rub it out just because the feeling was so weird. Now it just happens and I ignore it. But I definitely feel it, and it naturally concerns me. So yesterday I did the absolute worst thing any hypochondriac can do: I googled my symptoms.

warm feeling in lower leg

ENTER

The link above was the top match for my search. There were no other matches. I could find no explanations for the sensation on any website. Not a single medical resource documented a recurring warm feeling in that particular area as being symptomatic of anything serious. And yet the top match directed me to a men's health website where someone had posted a question regarding the very same sensation. And the chain of responses was nothing short of amazing. Apparently, this is a real thing. It's happening all over the place. Men are having a warm sensation in their lower left leg for no apparent reason.

I read through dozens and dozens of the follow-up posts. People had found the thread the same way I had - by typing in a similar string of words. And they all realized there were no other places to look...except here in this one place.

That's it. People describe their own experiences with the sensation. Many have reportedly gone to doctors anticipating a blood clot, but tests have revealed nothing. Others suggest ways to make the feeling go away. Some armchair physicians offer speculative diagnoses from pinched nerve to vitamin deficiency. After a thorough examination of the content, I was only certain of two things:

This is a popular, out-of-the-ordinary physical sensation that's been going on a lot lately and it has managed to elude credible medical explanation.

It forced me to draw a conclusion of my own. Friends, it is with great anxiety and sadness that I report to you this:


The ships are coming. Some of us are going home.

MORE THAN A FEELING

Here's an interesting link sent to me earlier this week. It's a site that monitors the blogosphere for how people are feeling based on the words they use in creating posts. Kind of creepy, actually. You can even peek into actual lives by clicking on the dots to read how people are feeling. Then sort by geography or demographics to see how people like you are feeling today.

How bizarre.

A HIGHER STANDARD OF JOURNALISM

Fair and balanced? Or "short" on integrity?









I report, you decide.

DID YOU READ THAT BILL BEFORE YOU VOTED FOR IT?

Shocking results were reported today from a study indicating that ONE-THIRD of the people living in our nation's capital are functionally illiterate. This is considered high when compared to about one-fifth of the population nationally.

People are considered functionally illiterate if they have trouble reading bus schedules, using maps, and filling out job applications.

Critics argue that the study's results are heavily skewed because the sample size was predominantly made up of members of Congress. Sure helps explain the Patriot Act.

A more representative sample of the actual population of Washington, D.C., including more of the city's poor and homeless, would likely lower the illiteracy rate significantly.

IT'S NOT POLITE TO POINT

On the heels of that kick ass kung-fu sequence, I just had to post this British gem. It's a super violent finger gun battle royale.

You like!

THOSE CATS WERE FAST AS LIGHTNING

I was anticipating a funny pay-off at the end of this amazing sequence, but it was not to be. Still - this has got to be one of the best un-cut action sequences ever filmed. Pay close attention to the fact that the camera never blinks or "cheats" behind walls. It is rolling non-stop and follows the action everywhere it goes. Unbelievable orchestration to pull of something as sophisticated as this.

Very well done! Check it out and then tell us what you think should have been behind the door at the end. This has viral marketing possibilities...

MONDAY MORNING GENERAL

FLASHBACK: 2003. As the U.S. prepares to invade Iraq, the Pentagon predicts "shock and awe."

Well, I can certainly say that, as the war enters year 5, I am definitely in shock it has dragged on this long, and it completely awes me that we are sending more troops, not fewer.

SLEEP PATTERNS

The number of adults 20-44 regularly taking pills to get sleep has DOUBLED in just the last four years. Over 40 million people medicating themselves to do something that's supposed to come naturally! Can you believe that? Better lives through pharmacy, eh? I do not think Tom Cruise would approve.

Here's a tip, by the way. If you have a hard time falling asleep at night, try waking up earlier in the morning. And if that doesn't work, wake up EARLIER. There is a point at which you will be tired enough to fall asleep. And you don't need insurance for the generic brand of medication I'm prescribing here. It's FREE!

The whole not being able to fall asleep thing has always baffled me. Sleeping is like eating and breathing - you need it to live. If you just wait long enough, I can guarantee you this, you're going to fall asleep. And yet so many more people are popping pills these days to get a good night's rest. The reason, of course, is control. Through the liberal prescription of designer medication, we can now control the exact hours we allow ourselves to sleep. No more of this "sleep when you're tired" bullshit. Modern life doesn't allow for haphazard scheduling of naturally occurring bodily functions. People have lives to run. There's working and shopping and sitting in traffic. We need to be awake for all of that, which means sleeping when we have a break in the action.

I guess I'm lucky when it comes to sleep. I've actually got the OPPOSITE thing going on. I can fall asleep pretty much on command. Give me a comfy couch and a cold pillow and I'll be out in under 10 minutes - any time of day. I'm not kidding. I'm borderline narcoleptic. I could nap right after breakfast. I don't know what my secret is. Fiber maybe.

ORATORICAL QUESTIONS

A couple weeks ago I took notice of Obama's annoying gift for (subconsciously?) adjusting his dialect, tone, and delivery depending on the make up of the audience. Something in that just seems disingenuous to me, and I notice a lot of politicians do it. It just makes me want to ask, "So who are you? Really. Because you sound like two completely different people." And then I made reference to Hillary Clinton as being, prehaps, the champion of duplicity.

Here's excerpt from a recent article that speaks to it better than I can.

"Hillary didn't help herself with her over-the-top sermon at the First Baptist Church in Selma, Ala., two weeks ago. Her aping of a black Southern accent from the pulpit was so inept and patronizing that it should get a Razzie Award for Worst Performance of the Year. At times, it approached the Southern Gothic burlesque of Bette Davis chewing up the scenery in "Hush ... Hush, Sweet Charlotte." Does Hillary Clinton have a stable or coherent sense of self? Or is everything factitious, mimed and scripted (like her flipping butch and femme masks) for expediency?"

FAUX NEWS CHANNEL

This link is CLASSIC. We all know that the Fox News Channel is full of shit, but this site is the pudding. It's a screen-cap compilation of some unbelievable "newsworthy" moments from the uber-conservative propaganda machine. Some of the captions are laugh-out-loud funny. And they're 100% real. People actually wrote these video supers and some editor let them run. Check out the site.

Civil war in Iraq a fabrication? Please tell me we just made up the whole invasion of Iraq, too! There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place...

NOTE: These are not doctored in any way - they are ACTUAL screen captures.

It's not every day that a man gets shot IN THE FACE and the news headline wonders whether the shooter is doing okay. Only on FUX.









Was there even a crime? OMG. Let's see. He was found GUILTY by a jury of a dozen peers - people who later said they felt BAD for him because he was clearly the "fall guy" in this whole scandal. They found him guilty and admitted afterward that they didn't even want to. Of COURSE there was a crime here - and Dickie C - our nation's esteemed vice dictator - is the real criminal...among others. The untouchables.

If you ask me, the real crime is that we can't nail them all. So let me try and understand how our system of checks and balances works. Clinton gets a blow job and Congress tries the randy fucker for impeachment. This entire administration, meanwhile, is hell bent on Fed Exing our fine nation to hell in a handbasket one foreign policy bungle after the next and the best we can do is lock up some two-bit schlep named "Scooter"?? How is it we can call for the dismissal a leader on the basis of sexual impropriety but can't move to replace a chimpanzee whose IQ and approval rating combined barely break 50. Isn't there something WRONG with that?

And will someone quit playing that damn Mellencamp song about this being "our country." This is Halliburton's country.

If I had more time I'd organize a formal boycott of the commercial sponsors of crap journalism like this. Who advertises during this shit? I want a list, dammit.

CAUGHT IN A TRAP

Here's a link from my buddy in law enforcement. It's the national speed trap exchange website where you can view and post well known speed traps in your area.

I reviewed a bunch of locations around the Chicago area and there's good information here - not about where the fuzz lurk necessarily, but rather where they've recently installed radars and cameras. That's the newest craze in traffic law enforcement - citation by mail. You won't even know they caught you until the ticket shows up in the mail, complete with a photo of your car breaking the law! Good luck fighting that one.

"That was the day my car was stolen by a gang of thugs who went joyriding all over town."

Know of a good speed trap you'd like to warn others about? Looking for some tips on where to take extra caution? Check out the exchange.

VISUAL DNA

Here's a fun diversion. It's a profile generator that lets you assess your personality through photo selection.

There are a lot of tough choices to make, and it's interesting to read your profile at the end as it compares to what other people have selected. Only takes a few minutes to complete and the interface makes it fun!

EXPERTEASE

D UP!

Basketballs!

Nobody likes guarding the super sweaty dude.

10 TIPS FOR A MORE SUCCESSFUL JOB INTERVIEW

There was a time I thought I knew it all. I think we’ve all been there. We feel like we have a good handle on what people are looking for, and we’re confident in our ability to deliver. And then one day we end up on the other side of the table and realize that we really had no idea what the hell we were doing.

Funny how one day I’ll look back on this day and think, “You moron – what the hell were you thinking?”

Anyhow, as someone who’s been on a lot of interviews, I always felt I was pretty well versed on what to do and say in an interview. Until I became the interviewer. Then I realized how much of a dumbass I was. And that’s what prompted me to create this handy guide.






10 Tips for a More Successful Job Interview

1.) READ THE JOB DESCRIPTION
2.) PROOFREAD YOUR RESUME
3.) CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE BEFOREHAND
4.) DRESS APPROPRIATELY
5.) SHOW UP EARLY
6.) BRING COPIES OF YOUR RESUME
7.) ASK QUESTIONS
8.) SEND A THANK YOU NOTE
9.) DON'T EXPECT A CALL
10.) OFFER TO WORK ON CONTRACT

Here are the juicy details.

READ THE JOB DESCRIPTION
This one will save you a lot of time and heartache. In most cases, qualifications are clearly spelled out in print – including required background, education, and years of experience. In reviewing submitted resumes, I’ve discovered that people, by and large, ignore this information. Either that or there are a lot of wishful thinkers out there. It simply amazes me how many people mistake themselves for qualified when every bullet point on their resume trumpets irrelevance. I would estimate that, of the countless resumes I've pulled off the printer, maybe 4 or 5 out of every 100 are solid candidates for interview. Another 5 or so fall into the “maybe” pile based on crossover skills and other considerations. But a good 90% of the resumes lack the very basics that listed as REQUIRED in the ad! So read the ad and ask yourself if you would hire you based on the qualifications alone. Nevermind your winning personality - we're talking experience and background and skill set only here. If it's not a match, don't waste your time. Sometimes we have fun with those resumes: "Yes, is this Mr. Johnson? I'm calling about the resume you submitted for the Senior Art Director position. It was passed on to us at the Loews Cineplex in uptown and we LOVE your credentials. We actually have some excellent weekend shifts available..." CLICK.

PROOFREAD YOUR RESUME
Wow. Can’t believe I just had to type that. But yes – I find typos every day. Bad ones. My impulse every time is to submit the resume to the waste bin for final approval. To date, my waste bin has not sent back a single resume for consideration. Seriously, typos are entirely unacceptable and 100% avoidable. Have a friend proofread it closely. And if you’re not sure about the grammar or spelling of something – change it so there’s no question. For an easy leg up, show off your stellar attention to detail and fine communications skills with a resume that's perfect to the letter. Oh yeah - and if you're one of those folks who versions the resume depending upon the job, make sure you fill in all the blanks. We love getting incomplete templates to add to our wall of shame baord. "My ideal job is one that lets me use my (word here) skills to (job here)." Classy and professional.

CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE BEFOREHAND
Hey – what a novel idea! Some of the applicants who impress me the most surprise me by knowing something about me or our agency in advance. For a moment I wonder how they came to know us so well…and then it dawns on me that they simply did their homework. In just ten minutes, you can glean a lot of information off of a website: what the company does, what it values, who it serves, and how it operates. Shows initiative, resourcefulness, and genuine interest. Just be careful not to delve too deeply into the personal histories of individuals or they may brand you a voodoo mindreader and cut your interview early. In other words, there's no need to "Google" the person you'll be meeting to tell them you live near them. That would only freak them out. But by all means come prepared to talk about how you're going to be able to add vallue to their company.

DRESS APPROPRIATELY
This is a big one people like to debate about. Not me. What you wear MATTERS. I used to think it didn’t really matter, or rather, that it SHOULDN’T matter. Why should it? – I thought. They’d be hiring ME, not my clothes. But the fact is, what you choose to wear says a lot about you. I’ve read advice columns from people who say it’s the person on the inside that counts…and I agree with that. And if the person on the inside doesn’t recognize the importance of that first impression, chances are they’re missing a lot more than that. It's a matter of presentation and showing yourself in the best light possible. I’m not saying a suit and tie are required here – but make an effort. Shave, shine the shoes, comb the hair, press the shirt, and avoid blue jeans. Basic stuff that should go without saying, but you’d be surprised what people will show up to an interview wearing. And as much as I try to make it about the person inside, appearance is important. Shows the interviewer you are serious. A gay co-worker of mine is the fashion bouncer at our agency. He inspects the interviewees as they make their way to the conference room and gives me the thumbs up or down on overall physical presentation. “Did you see her blouse? Were those polka dots? Oh Lord. How can she design a marketing brochure if she can’t even dress herself?”

SHOW UP EARLY
In business, punctuality is very important. And if a company is interviewing, it usually means they’ve got more work than they can handle - which means they are busy! Respect this by honoring your interview date and time to the best of your ability. I naively used to think, “I’ll get there when I get there and if I am late, they’ll understand. After all – they’re people too.” Well, we are people, too – and we DO understand, especially when people demonstrate little respect for our time by showing up late. So plan to arrive early – it shows you’re eager and ambitious. And if you can’t help but run a few minutes behind, give a shout to let someone know. A little courtesy can make a huge difference.

BRING COPIES OF YOUR RESUME
Here’s a rule I used to break all the time. I always assumed that the folks interviewing me would have a copy of my resume since that was the piece of paper they used to pre-qualify me for the interview! Why would I need to bring another copy? Well, the fact is, after I’m done qualifying someone for an interview, their resume becomes just another sheet of paper on my cluttered desk. As a result, it seldom makes it into the interview with me. So more often than not I find myself asking the applicant for a fresh copy. If they don’t have one, I don’t hold it against them. But if they do – I sure appreciate the preparedness.

ASK QUESTIONS
This is important. Even if it’s just a couple of questions – being inquisitive demonstrates sincere interest. Sometimes we get to the end of an interview and ask if there are any questions for us and, I have to say, it’s a little disappointing when applicants say, “No – I think you’ve answered all of my questions already.” And I’m thinking, “How could I have? We’ve been talking about YOU this entire time.” You’re asking to enter a long-term relationship that will consume a massive chunk of your life – aren’t you the least bit curious how things are going to work? A good place to start is to think about what’s important to you and be up front about it. Benefits. Growth potential. Transportation. Realistic hours. Working relationships. One of the best reasons to ask is because it helps you to qualify the employer as suitable for YOU instead of the other way around. If you don’t ask any questions, you’re tipping your hand and saying, "I don't care what it's like here, I just need a new job." Such desperation is a red flag, and a candidate without questions is easily filed in this category. Just don't ask, "How much does it pay?" That question is an indication that the applicant nneds to settle a gambling debt and will take the first job they can get. Questions about compensation usually come after the interview - once the two parties have agreed that there is a good fit. That said, having an idea of range is important to know BEFORE the first interview so everyone is on the same page. If the compensation is listed as "commensurate," it means you're going to get an offer based on what you're worth to the hiring company - which will vary from company to company. Hard to get a range out of those folks since they won't know until they meet you...but you can always prequalify your visit by letting them know what YOUR requirements are. We've had a few candidates whose financial expectations were delusional, but we didn't find out until after we'd spent an hour pretending to like one another. Whether it's before the interview, during, or after, asking questions is an important part of the process - and it's expected of you.

SEND A THANK YOU NOTE
We interview a lot of people. Some send follow-up notes after the interview…others don’t. To be honest, I don’t think anything less of the people who don’t follow up with a “thank you.” I just assume they’re not all that interested in the job. And the reason I assume this is because the people who DO send “thank you” notes stand out as MORE interested in the job. And that counts for something. Remember – entering a work relationship is a two-way street, so both sides have to agree there is a good fit after that first date. By sending a follow up “thank you” note, or even an e-mail will suffice sometimes, you’re letting the employer know that you’re still interested in the position. By maintaining radio silence, you could be sending a signal of apathy or indifference. If you still want the job after that interview, let us know. It demonstrates thoughtfulness and solid relationship building skills.

DON'T EXPECT A CALL
It used to drive me apeshit when I'd go to an interview and then hear nothing back for days...even weeks. For some reason, I assumed I'd receive at least a courtesy call to let me know the position had been filled. But to my surprise, I learned that hiring decisions take a lot of time. And sometimes the reason I wouldn't receive a call was because recruitment was on hold. The fact is, we often interview a lot of people for one position - and only one is going to get the job. We simply don't have the time to follow up with all of the people we met to let them know they didn't make the cut. If they call us, however, we're more than happy to share our status. If they don't call, we presume they'll get the hint: No news is bad news.

OFFER TO WORK ON CONTRACT
Here's a fun Jedi mind trick that really works. For the employer, the hiring process can be an expensive, time-consuming endeavor with little room for error. Think about it. There’s a lot at stake for the employer. They need to know they’re hiring the best person for the job…and want to feel good about it. One way to demonstrate your flexibility and cooperative spirit is to take some of the risk away by offering to work on contract for a few weeks. Don't panic - it’s not as risky as it sounds. First of all, the gesture alone says a lot about your confidence level. Anyone who would offer to work on contract for a couple weeks is saying, “I know you’re going to love me.” (I should note that if you’re not confident you can blow them away with your raw talent, then it may not be in your best interest to go this route.) If you know you can perform, and the goal is to land the job, then removing the risk is a smart move. Plus, it also protects YOU from accepting a position you may not enjoy. After a couple of weeks of relationship building with key personnel, they’ll get a good feel for you, and you’ll have ample time to assess the true nature of the opportunity. It's a true win-win. Or, oftentimes, the gesture alone is enough to win you a second interview. You've made their decision to include you easier by saying, "You're not stuck with me if you don't like me." But, of course, YOU know they're going to love you. Why wouldn't they?

So there you have it - 10 ways to interview more effectively. Feel free to share!

THE CUTTING ROOM

I used to wonder how they decided which movies should be up for the Best Editing Oscar. What was the difference? Editing was always transparent to me - I never really took much notice of it. Except in Armageddon, maybe, when I remember wanting to do physical harm to whoever snipped together those wildly frenetic asteroid action sequences. But I digress... I guess I just never really valued the contribution a good editor makes to the overall viewing experience.

And then I saw this short video.

If you're a fan of the Office (U.S.), it's a must-see. And the editing? Now I understand. I can't imagine how much time went into hunting down all of this footage and synching it all up. Fine work.

I AM I

I can see you! Yes, you.

Not back there. Here in front of you. I am right here.

Who am I?

I am a strategically organized collection of pixels in the shape of the letter I. Where am I? I am at the front of this sentence.

And now I am here (in the middle). I actually show up a lot in written communications. In fact, I'm the 18th most popular word in the English language.

Here are the top 250.

FLASH TRON

Awesome!

IN GOD WE TRUSTED...

...and then this whole Bush thing happened and now we're not so sure.

Looks like the U.S. moneymakers (and I don't mean Exxon) accidentally struck a bunch of brand new $1 Jorge Washington coins with a glaring mistake - the words "In God We Trust" are missing. Stolen by atheists under cover of night, no doubt.

Really. How do you mint coins missing an entire phrase? And a controversial one at that, given our nation's fascination with godless heathens.

Where's that phrase? It's missing? OOPS! How did THAT happen? COINcidence?

Methinks no. But then, me also thinks all grades of gasoline are pumped from the same damn reservoir. I have that recessive "raised eyebrow" trait...keeps me in a perpetual state of heightened suspicion.

Anyhow, here's the scoop directly from the U.S. Mint:

"The United States Mint has struck more than 300 million George Washington Presidential $1 Coins. We have recently learned that an unspecified quantity of these coins inadvertently left the United States Mint at Philadelphia without edge-lettering on them. It is unknown how many of these coins without inscriptions on the edge have been placed into circulation.

"The United States Mint understands the importance of the inscriptions “In God We Trust” and “E Pluribus Unum,” as well as the mint mark and year on U.S. coinage. We take this matter seriously. We also consider quality control a high priority. The agency is looking into the matter to determine a possible cause in the manufacturing process."

The ommission is considered a defect which will likely render the coins valuable collector's items. So keep an eye out!

GOING FOR BROKE

U.S. Representative Marsha Blackburn introduced legislation this week that would prevent illegal immigrants from getting credit cards from American financial institutions, which I think is complete and utter bullshit. If they're already here enjoying the rest America has to offer, then why should they be free of a life in debt? They should be subject to serfdom in this American financial kingdom like the rest of us - buried by mortgages and credit card bills, forever indentured to the banking regents who sell the American dream one percentage point at a time.

Funny to think how, for how meager their existence may seem to some, a lot of illegals are actually in a lot better financial shape than their American counterparts - who seemingly live better, but have to fork a significant portion of their paychecks over to the man in the expensive suit and tie every month.

McTERNITY

Ever wonder what would happen if you saved a McDonald's cheeseburger in the pocket of your jacket for a year? Me too. It has kept me up many a night. Well, here's a link you have to check out. Seems someone accidentally found out exactly what happens and you're not going to believe it!

Wow.

CONCEPT DEVELOPMENT

An important part of the creative advertising process is concept development. This is when we sit around dreaming up "cool" ways to make an idea work. Coffee helps. We have something specifc we need to communicate and only a billion ways to communicate it. Selecting the RIGHT way is part art, part science, and a big part luck. Sometimes you just stumble upon a kick ass idea out of no where. Other times you agonize for days and wind up right back at the drawing board.

I've found that most clients, and a lot of account people for that matter, can't appreciate the time required for solid concept development. They often dismiss it in schedules by saying, "You guys are the experts, I'm sure you'll come up with something." And we always do. It's just not always that great. A little art, a little science, but no luck. You can't rush a good idea - you just have to give it time to grow.

Here's a link to some of the coolest ads you've never seen. Links like this one almost make you forget that most ads completely suck.

As creative director, I'd hire some of this talent on the spot. Fine concepts well executed.

LIFE IN REVERSE

Here's a bit of SPAM I received today that I thought I'd share because I found it amusing. I took the liberty of editing the awkward parts for effect. Not a bad concept here!

***************

I want to live my next life backwards:

I want to start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then I'll wake up aching and forgetful in an old folks home where I'll start feeling better and better by the day.
After years of sleeping and eating, I'll get kicked out for being too healthy.
So I'll join the world, collect a pension and social security benefits.
I'll enjoy a nice long retirement, take up some new hobbies, travel, and curse electironics.
Then one day I'll be so bored out of my mind I'll finally start working - and I'll get a gold watch on my very first first day!
I'll put in a good 40 years working, taking on less and less responsibility until I'm finally young enough to go to college.
There I'll drink liberal amounts of alcohol, experiment with drugs, and party promiscuously into the twilight of my years.
After college, I'll reluctantly go to high school where I'll keep drinking; then off to primary school, where I'll grow younger and younger, play sports and video games, and basically enjoy a life free of responsibilities.
After that I'll become an infant, blissfully crapping my shorts, belching and farting as I like, and having somene essentially take care of me night and day.

Finally, I'll spend my last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious, spa-like conditions - climate controlled, room service, etc. - sleeping and eating in an exceedingly comfortable darkness until a sudden moment when I am born hard and fast in a relatively short, but powerfully, pleasing orgasm.

Sure sounds a whole lot better than the deal we've got worked out now!

FREE GIFT-RAPPING

I haven't had many opportunities to catch Saturday Night Live over the past decade. Such is the VIP lifestyle. But a couple weeks ago I caught the replay of their 06 holiday show hosted by JT (Justin Timberlake for those over 40). This was one of the funniest SNL sketches I have ever seen.

Thanks to Marky Mark for passing along the uncensored You Tube link.

WHERE TO STASH THE CASH

Here's another bit of wisdom from the Simple Dollar. It's a list of 20 places to hide your money at home besides the mattress. I do not recommend the broiler.

If you're not familiar with this guy's work, there's a feed in the left sidebar featuring links to his latest stuff. Great advice in there - I do recommend you give it a peek-a-boo some time.

By the way - here's some info on the best hiding place of all. Thanks, Dan!

HERE YA GO, DAVE

Create your own motivational posters.

Just don't tell anyone where you got this link because I don't want a bunch of link-starved strangers e-mailing me for hot shit. Actually, I think I'd kind of enjoy that. Go ahead and tell who you want.

Enjoy!



Fun for HOURS, people. I may have this one blown up.

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!

As the snow slowly melts into the ground, and frigid streams trickle through slippery sewer grates, the sidewalks become clear again - so that we can see all of the piles of dog crap abandoned since our last big snow.

Walking to work this morning was like negotiating a minefield perilously loaded with menacing turd bombs. I carefully leaned and dodged the soaking remains of pile after pile of (presumably) canine feces that clearly had been left steaming in the icy whiteness for WEEKS by lazy dog owners who really ought to know better. Worse, because the piles had been snowed over, they were stamped into the concrete below by passers-by so that they now resembled half-cooked pancakes, or perhaps the exploded remains of a shit-packed water balloon tossed from a nearby rooftop.

Yeah - pretty fucking gross. And I discovered that if you run your finger through it for a sample, it feels exactly like peanut butter. The flavor, however, is nothing like it.

Ah, yes. It is definitely that time of year again.

EVERYTHING IS NEGOTIABLE

Here's a classic scam I know you're going to love. And I know you're going to love it because YOU are going to be able to use it to save hundreds on electronics at Best Buy, Circuit City, and other stores of that ilk.

How does it work? It involves turning one of their bullshit cash cows into a gravy train of your own. You know those extend service plans they're always pushing down your throat? Instead of reflexively declining it, this guy suggests a lucrative alternative.

It's bold, daring, and genius!

IT'S NOT EASY EATING GREEN

Have you ever had a salad that really hit the spot?

Me neither.

Been trying to eat healthier of late and not having an easy go of it. I have identified a direct correlation between taste satisfaction and the number of fat grams per serving. The higher the fat grams per serving, the more I enjoy the food. That's not to say I can't enjoy a plain roast beef sandwich at Subway with less than 6g of fat. I do get those sometimes and find them somewhat satisfying. Just no where near as satisfying as when I double the meat, smother it in cheese, and douse it in horseradish. Now THAT'S a sandwich. Don't forget the bag of Cheetos.

I'm training my tastebuds to appreciate foods with less fat and it's not easy. I grew up on fat. Red meat. Real butter. Crisco. Homemade baked goods and a pantry full of deep fried snacks. You can't just quit that shit cold turkey. You need to cut back little by little until a tomato and imitation bacon bit sandwich makes the mouth water. But for now, every fork full of lettuce I stuff into my piehole feels like an abandoned garnish lost and longing for its greasy, half-pound Angus host.

I will reunite you tonight my green, leafy lunch. There will be meat on the menu come dinner time.

GOING POSTAL

Did you hear what those crazy cats at the U.S. Post Office are planning to do next? They're increasing the price of a first class stamp - yes. But they're also introducing what they call the "forever" stamp. From now on, first class stamps won't be printed in monetary denominations. They'll actually be good forever, regardless of when you bought them. So you'll be able to mail a letter in 2050 using a .39 cent stamp you buy today. Pretty sweet deal, right?

So now I bet you're wondering how many to load up on ahead of the next price hike. Before the math makes you sweat too much, click here for a money expert's take on it. There's definitely a strategy to maximizing the financial impact of the everlasting stamp.

JONAH & THE BEANSTALK

"Religion is the bureaucracy between man and God." -- Bill Maher on Scarborough Country

This guy used to really get under my skin back when it was stll remotely chic to vote Republican. These days he's the preacher and I'm the choir, baby. Logic is perplexing. He asks a very interesting question of his host in this interview regarding religious belief. If instead of a man trapped in the belly of a whale we were taught that Jack climbed a mighty beanstalk into the sky, would we today know the difference between religious fact and fairy tale? Both stories seem wildly implausible - yet one is embraced by millions of people as fact, while the other dismissed as fantasy. Why? Could it be that one is drilled into children under threat of eternal punishment while the other is read from a make-believe pop-up-book of bedtime stories? I won't presume to know the answer to that, but it's certainly thought-provoking.

Maher closes the interview making another curious distinction - that you don't have to be religious to believe in God. It's a concept I've been contemplating for some time, and one I believe has great merit. If you enjoy a good debate, check out the 8 minute segment.

WWW.BANEOFMYEXISTENCE.COM

You wanna know what really drives me fucking apeshit? Well shut your piehole and listen up anyway because I'm going to tell you.

It's that fucking Microsoft Word macro that automatically turns world wide web addresses into hyperlinks in the middle of your document. Why the hell do I want that? And why is that the default setting? I have never once typed a web address in a Word document that I wanted to visit at the time I was typing it - or even upon reading it later. I think that would make a nice OPTION for the three people in the world who actully use hyperlinks in Word documents, but I believe the rest of us use word processing programs to TYPE things.

When I want to visit a website, I am quite capable of double clicking my browser icon - I don't need a shortcut that turns www.whateverthefuckitypehere.com into a hyperlink so that everytime I try to highlight the text or move my cursor over it I end up launching a new browser window, which slows down my machine and irritates the living shit out of me.

Yes, I am aware that this macro can be disabled. They just don't make it very easy to find. Intentionally, I'm sure - so as to irk me to no end.

Is it really 2 already? Oh my! I forgot to take my medication.

STEAMED RICE

This clip is must-see TV. Keith Olbermann has always had a way with words. Here he rips Condi a new one following a statement she made last Sunday regarding the unprecedented powers the Bush administration feels it needs to efficiently prosecute its pet “war” on terror, which might be better termed “The U.S. Terrorist Recruitment and Global Resentment Project.” (For the record: This is not to say our armed forces aren't deserving of our full support and respect - only that the architects behind the war may have been high on the fumes of fighter jet fuel when they built their case for it.)

Anyhow, this clip is a good 8 minutes long, and by good I mean GREAT. He really calls into question her knowledge of world history and U.S. policy - in amusing, intellectually stimulating fashion!

BOBBY BROWN ARRESTED AT CHEERLEADING COMPETITION

Made you look!

Headlines like these really grab your attention, don't they? I know it grabbed mine this afternoon on CNN. And, man, did I feel robbed when I clicked to find out he'd merely been picked up on a warrant for missing a court hearing while watching his daughter's cheerleading competition. Here I was salivating for something downright disgusting.

If you ask me, that headline is false newsvertising! If you tell me Bobby Brown is arrested at a cheerleading competition, I'm expecting a sordid tale of indecency and impending scandal. What's all this missed alimony and child-support payment bullshit? Where's the scandal in that?

Bobby Brown arrested again. Ho hum.

NOW THAT'S SMART!

As someone who does this for living, I can tell you that these ads are pretty damn cool. Some are smarter than Al Gore.

LEMMING OUT OF HERE!

“Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?' But conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular but because conscience tells one it is right.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Below are 25 elected officials who recently said one thing and did another. Yes, it goes on ALL the time in Washington - but in this case it involved a controversial, unpopular, and questionable decision on the part of our President to send tens of thousands MORE troops to Iraq - just in time, it turns out, to relieve all of the other quote/unquote "coalition" forces who announced this week they are pulling out.

This list of members of Congress is actually a list of cowards. Good, smart people who publicly criticized President Bush's escalation strategy prior to voting on it, but when it came time to make a decision decided to support it anyhow because that was the party line - essentially telling the American people that the solidarity of their political party is more important than a policy they don't agree with. They sure put the "I" in "Integrity" don't they?

Here are four fun examples:

Rep. Virginia Brown-Waite (R-FL): "It's too little, too late, and should have been done a year ago. ... I just get a feeling our country is being used."

Rep. Heather Wilson (R-NM): "I am not a supporter of a surge to do for the Iraqis what the Iraqis will not do for themselves."

Rep. Jeff Flake (R-AZ): "I have little confidence that a surge in troop levels will change the situation in Iraq in any substantive fashion. It seems clear that the violence in Iraq is increasingly sectarian, and inserting more troops in this atmosphere is unlikely to improve the situation.

Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH): "I am skeptical that a surge of troops will bring an end to the escalation of violence and the insurgency in Iraq...I'm absolutely against the surge."

But when all of their party members jumped off the cliff of escalation, they jumped off with them.

Party over country.

House

Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD)
Virginia Brown-Waite (R-FL)
Vern Buchanan (R-FL)
Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV)
Charles W. Dent (R-PA)
Jo Ann Emerson (R-MO)
Mike Ferguson (R-NJ)
Jeff Flake (R-AZ)
Rodney P. Frelinghuysen (R-NJ)
Bob Goodlatte (R-VA)
David Hobson (R-OH)
Kenny Hulshof (R-MO)
John McHugh (R-NY)
Candice Miller (R-MI)
Jerry Moran (R-KS)
Deborah Pryce (R-OH)
Mike Rogers (R-MI)
Edward Royce (R-CA)
Mark Souder (R-IN)
Tom Tancredo (R-CO)
Mac Thornberry (R-TX)
Greg Walden (R-OR)
Heather Wilson (R-NM)

Senate

Gordon Smith (R-OR)
Sam Brownback (R-KS)

Confucius say:

“To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice.”

Time to show these clowns the door.

HOMOPHOBONICS

Ex-NBA big-mouth Tim Hardonaway went on record last week as saying he wasn’t a big fan of homosexuals. This great bit from the Jimmy Kimmel show provides a fine response for Timmy.

LET'S SEE WHAT POPS UP NEXT

This story is another example of our legal system run amok. All it takes is the application of a little common sense on someone’s part and this whole thing goes away. Instead, we have a bunch of fucking morons holding a “presumed” innocent lady to the letter of a law she in all likelihood did not break. Here's a summary:

A substitute teacher in Connecticut reportedly entered class one morning and saw a group of 7th graders all giggling while huddled around the PC on her desk. She investigated and discovered that there were a bunch of pornographic pop-up ads on the screen, which the inquisitive, hormonal pre-teens were busily inspecting with shock and awe. It used to be that the JC Penney catalog was all it took to give me a "pop-up" - today kids are just a click away from full blown intercourse on the world wide web.

The teacher frantically shuttled her curious kids away from the offensive images, but word of their informal sex education ultimately got out, and now she’s on the verge of spending the next 40 years in prison. Yes - 40 years behind bars for a bunch of pop-up ads she had no control over.

An analysis of the hard drive revealed the presence of malicious spyware, which we’ve all experienced at one time or another. As you are likely aware, you don't even have to be browsing "adult" sites to fall prey to some of these sneaky bastards. One minute you're browsing free shit on Craig's list and the next thing you know you've got The World's Horniest Singles flashing all over your screen. That's the danger of "clicking around."

Had the school protected its computers adequately, spyware-bearing cookies never would have found their way in. How can anyone possibly accuse this woman of negligently exposing minors to pornographic material? And what's with this talk of locking her up for 40 years? Child molesters spend less time in the clink. That's enough time for a REAL criminal to commit a crime, do time, get out, commit another crime, do more time, get out again and commit another crime! Who the hell is behind this madness?

Here’s a link to the whole story if you'd like to read all about it. I hear you may even be able to send a letter of support.

KICK OUT THE JAMS & BARACK THE BLOCK!

You're going to hear a lot about Barack Obama in the next year. And not just from me. May as well do your homework. I did - and found one of the best speeches on the role of religion in politics I've ever heard.

I would admit that it's also the ONLY speech on religion and politics I've ever heard, but I don't want that to diminish the impact of the endorsement.

So what's it all about? Barack takes aim at conservative politicians who mean to portray all Democrats as godless and immoral. He says that the religious do not have a monopoly and morality, but also that constructive religious support has been essential throughout our nation's progress and cannot be ignored today. Some really great stuff in here, especially for open-minded conservatives.

Here's something to watch for that rubbed me the wrong way. I noticed that Barack changes his tone, inflection, and manner depending upon the crowd he is addressing. Before an assembly of church-going African Americans here, you'll note his delivery is decidedly more "urban," for lack of a better word. At first I found the subtle adjustment a little disingenuous of him (think Hillary). But then I caught myself doing the same exact thing! And I wasn't even aware I was doing it.

I realized that this adjustment in communication style and delivery, at least in my case, was occuring on a subconscious level. I wasn't choosing to forfeit grammar, gratuitously employ expletives as adjectives, and end all my sentences with apostrophes. I was just mirroring the people with whom I was interacting. And you'll notice Barack starts out doing a little of that here. It's actually kind of amusing. But he settles down about 3 minutes in and the common sense starts pouring out. Almost scares me to think that Americans, after hearing what this guy is shoveling, would even consider the alternatives. He's slick. He's sharp. And he's got good ideas. Which basically means he's screwed because if the results from last two presidential elections proved anything, it's that we don't want slick, sharp, and good ideas in the White House. We like our late night comedy just the way it is.

That won't stop me from drumming up support for him, though. I can't help it. I have a common sense fetish. Good ideas turn me on, baby. In fact, last night I downloaded every one of this guy's speeches, drew down the shades, and uncorked a bottle of red. It was hot. Didn't even make it half way through his first speech before I needed a cold shower.

Kidding inside, I encourage you not to dismiss this guy simply because he's a Democrat (dad), or because he's only been in politics for 10 years (isn't that a PLUS?), or because he's Christian, or because he's black, or because he's also white (didn't you know?), or because he's a man (didn't you know?), or because he's smoother than Billy Dee Williams, or because his name makes you think about a cave in Afghanistan, or because you don't vote (slacker).

Check out the issues link on his page when you get a chance. You might be surprised to learn you have a lot in common. When I saw government corruption third on his list of issues, it became instantly clear that he's been shopping AYNtK for ideas.

And I'm happy to provide them.

Barack: Three day work week, baby. We can DO this!

NO RESERVATIONS

Chief Illiniwek has taken sabbatical.

The University of Illinois has, at long last, been forced to retire its controversial Native American symbol/mascot (depending upon which side of the fence you sit) once and for all.

As an alum who once supported and celebrated the Chief, I can honestly say I wasn’t surprised or sad to see the Chief finally go – but only because I always knew it was just a matter of time. Those who wanted Illiniwek out were going to get their way eventually – because the people who wanted him to stay were, well, primarily well-to-do white people. And let’s face it – that just didn’t look good under the media's powerful hyper-P.C. microscope.

If Illiniwek supporters had the blessing of the native Amercan community, the story would be radically different. There’d probably be a lot more Chiefs out there, in fact. Chief Iowek. Chief Wisonsiwek. Chief Ohiowek. The names of so many of our nation’s states are derivatives of native American tribes. Fortunately, that hasn’t pissed anyone off yet. (I’ve got a list of alternative state names ready to go in the unlikely event we lose that battle. I like to be prepared.)

Certainly, there is a difference between naming the territories on a map after the native people who had thrived here prior to European expansion (germs!) and dressing up a college kid in an Indian suit and having him prance around barefoot on a basketball court surrounded by thousands of orange-clad white people swinging their arms like tomahawks, many of them reservation drunk and tragically undereducated as to actual Native American history and culture.

Whoa! Did I just say "reservation" drunk? What’s that supposed to mean? Isn’t that a negative Native American stereotype?

It sure is. And, sadly, those are the kinds of stereotypes that will persist in the wake of Illiniwek's burial, while less-offensive (if also less accurate) stereotypes like "the Chief" are discarded in the name of unchecked political correctness.

Personally, I never did see what was so offensive about Chief Illiniwek, his questionably authentic headdress, or his always-spirited quasi-endemic dance routine. While attending Illinois, I never got the feeling the University or its drunk students (myself included...but only after I turned 21, of course) ever regarded the the Chief as an unflattering representation of Native American history and culture. His dress and dance may have been contrived, in part, but not for the purpose of ridiculing a people.

The Chief was most certainly not, as many have argued, a caricature or cartoon – like the Cleveland Indians mascot. To many of us, he seemed real - and we came to associate our school pride with his image: a celebrated symbol of courage, strength, honor, and respect. When I see a Chief decal in the back window of a passing car, I don't giggle at the thought of a dancin' injun. I actually feel a sudden kinship with the driver of that car - as though we are members of the same tribe, so to speak.

It seemed the Chief's authenticity was always in question, and this was an ongoing struggle for supporters. But he wasn't supposed to be an actual person from the past - like Sacajawea, Crazy Horse, or Sitting Bull. He was a cultural composite of the many Native people who we still recognize to this day in the names of so many of our towns, counties, cities, and states. Why would early University officials have elected to associate their state school, its image and athletic program with a complete mockery?

Of course, they never did. But in the eyes of those who matter, that's what he has become.

And that, my friends, is really all that matters. I do not belong to the ethnic group of people his half-time circus act means to represent. I’m a mutt of various European descents - white bred to the core. So I’m really in no position to judge whether or not he is offensive to Native Americans. Only Native Americans can make that determination. And it appears they have. If the Native people after whom Chief Illiniwek was modeled find his use offensive, then it's incumbent upon those in power to be respectful of that - even if we the people cannot find it in ourselves to.

That's the point most die-hard supporters I know just don't get. It’s not whether white people, or people of other colors for that matter, find him offensive – it’s the people he is meant to represent who matter. If I call you "wise" and mean it in a good way, but you think I'm making fun of you, it doesn't matter that I am meaning it in a good way. All that matters is how you are taking it. If I keep calling you "wise" knowing that you don't like it, then I am disrespecting you. And that's what's been going on here for years.

It is indeed unfortunate that Illiniwek WAS respected and revered as a positive symbol of Native American culture. Minority groups may not have thought so - but he was. Had they come to appreciate the Chief as we did (and do), they would not have objected to his contrived pageantry and traditional exhibition. They would have embraced him. To an objective third party, the Chief's half-time ceremony wasn't an "offensive" one in and of itself. Illiniwek wasn't waving around a fist full of scalps. He wasn't shown stealing the women and raping the horses, or vice versa. He was simply performing a dance that celebrated the history of the people after whom our state was named. If that's a stereotype, I've got to tell you I've seen worse. But it's not about me. And I suppose that is all I need to know.

So save your Illini gear - might be worth something some day. Like the embarrassing lawn jockeys my grandfather, bless his departed heart, had no problem putting out in his front yard. Relics of a similar, less-enlightened time when it seemed okay to do something we have since agreed it is not.

Progress isn't always popular.

IF I ONLY HAD A PERSONALITY

My buddy JB sent me this great article on Barack Obama's star appeal. I found it quite entertaining. Here's an excerpt that made me snort milk out my nose all over the keyboard.

"The Illinois Senator is the ultimate modern media creature -- he's a good-looking, youthful, smooth-talking, buttery-warm personality with an aw-shucks demeanor who exudes a seemingly impenetrable air of Harvard-crafted moral neutrality. If Hillary Clinton even dares to open her mouth within a hundred feet of him at any time during the campaign, she's going to come off like a pig digging for truffles. Even Edwards -- the so-called "slick" candidate from '04 -- sounds like a two-bit suburban Buick dealer next to Obama. You get past the "issues," and it's a wipeout."

Spot on. It's called charisma. Hillary may be intelligent, motivated, and well-intended - but it's just so damn painful watching her speak. She's about as loose as the tin man. She needs to visit the wizard and get herself some charisma. Mos def.

CUT THE WETTING CAKE

New Mexico is pissed off about drinking and driving, so they came up with a sweet idea to send a message: Cake. But not just any cake. Urinal cake - the talking kind.

At $21 a pop, the state has ordered 500 urinal cakes that deliver a pre-recorded message designed to warn bar and restaurant patrons against drinking and driving. And on top of each cake is the state DWI slogan, "You drink, you drive, you lose."

NOW - Imagine for just a moment, if you will. Some drunk dude staggers into the bathroom to give the porcelain wall ornament one more shot when suddenly, from out of no where, a man's voice starts lecturing him on the perils of piloting while intoxicated.

The man freaks out, loses balance, and starts leaking all over the wall and floor. He presumes he is hallucinating, or perhaps even hearing the voice of the Almighty himself, which prompts him to head back to the bar for another drink. This, in turn, leads him right back into the bathroom for another round at the stand'n'go.

He enters slowly, peers around nervously, and swings in each stall door to be sure he is alone before finally unzipping for his final stream of consciousness. Confident in complete solitude, he stumbles up to the wall again and shoots a hot laser into the white dish, cutting sloppily into his wetting cake.

Again the voice mocks him, detailing the consequences of navigating buzzed. Alarmed, the man turns completely around, urinating wildly all over the slick tile floor and shouting for the menace to make himself known.

But now the voice is behind him.

He spins back around and eyes up the cake in the basin at his waist. He reaches in and angrily pries the preachy culprit from its foamy warm nest and hurls it hard at the opposite wall.

Just then, another patron swings open the rickety wooden door and catches a face-full of piss icing, spun in a flickering stream off a flying, talking plastic urinal cake. Tasting twice-filtered special export dribbling down his cheek, the surprise guest assumes an immediate state of rage and flies across the room at our would-be Olympic discus champ.

The two collapse in a puddle of tepid waste, rolling about heatedly, their clothes soaking up that evening's sterile chemical stew like a hungry sponge. A third patron steps through the threshhold in time to spy two men writhing about on the floor. He's so loaded he completely disregards the fracas and steps over to the nearest urinal to make a deposit. As he does so, a voice begins discussing the dangers of drinking and driving. The attacker on the floor hears this voice and thinks the guy at the urinal is lecturing him.

He scrambles to his feet, steps to the third man and runs his elbow hard in the back of the man's head. The original drunk, meanwhile, spies his opportunity to escape and bounds out the bathroom door. The aggressor hastily follows him out. The third man, dazed from the sudden blow he just received at the hands of a complete stranger, gains his faculties, zips up, and races out the door after the others. The first man jumps into his car and fishtails off. The second man drops his keys, recovers, unlocks his door and flies off down the road after the first. The third man stumbles out into the parking lot and sees the taillights heading off into the distance, so he hops into his car and joins pursuit.

Now we've got three dangerous drunkards ripping at insane speeds around curvy dark roads instead of responsibly weaving at 10MPH below the speed limit.

So I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - is this conversational urinal cake a good idea?

THE SUN NEVER SETS...

Did you hear what those randy Brits are up to?

Beginning on Valentine's Day (that's Wednesday, fellas) the pharmacy chain Boots plans to offer Viagra WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION.

According to the Boots company, its pilot program will be offered in three stores in Manchester first and is expected to last six months - although if erections persist longer than that, you should see a doctor immediately. Many believe the move will be the catalyst for a new sexual revolution. Never mind the upper lip - when it comes to keeping the anatomy "stiff," Britons clearly have something else in mind.

PEPPERMINTERNITY

I know it's a little early, but I couldn't resist. I just HAD to post these pictures of a pair of human skeletons wrapped in eternal embrace. They were uncovered at an archaeological dig site in Italy.





















I think this image would make for a good Certs ad.








"Breath-saving freshness that lasts a long, LONG time."

GANGSTAPELLA

This is an instant classic. I never realized the words were so dreadfully off-color. Kind of saddens me that there's a market for this ugly breed of hateful "crap" rap. At least the colelge kids in this clip knew to have fun with it. Well done!

And if you dig on that one, this dandy from Ben Folds is another winner. LOVE the literal slideshow graphics.

...AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER

Here's a copy of the field manual they're issuing to the 21,000 new troops Bush is sending over to Iraq.

ARE YOU READY FOR WEB 2.0?

This short film clip is pretty damn insightful. It's a visual description of the concept of the world wide web and an introduction to the next generation of this tremendously powerful virtual mind.

As I type and post this, I am actually teaching the web. Hard to imagine - but clearly the case. This web thing is fast becoming the stuff of science fiction literature.

AD IT UP

As usual, this year's Super Bowl commercials proved another disappointment. I think they were a bigger hit back when people tuned in to actually watch the game - not all the ads in between. Since there's been all of this hype about how cool and funny Super Bowl ads are supposed to be, expectations have run high. And as you know, expectations are the mother of disappointment.

That said, there were a few gems hidden in the rough. And here is a cool site where you can watch them all and vote for your favorite Super Bowl ads tournament style - bracket by bracket. I went through each round ad by ad and it is my professional opinion that Coke had the strongest spots. My final showdown was between e-Trade's "Things you can do with one finger" and Coke's "Vice City" which won my vote as best spot (but was only the 10th most popular ad according to this online resource).

If you've got a few minutes to browse around, check it out!

ONE DOLLAR CHILL

On top of record cold temperatures, it is now snowing here in the windy city. Several inches are expected to complete winter's inclement promise.

It was so cold this morning on my way to work that I actually saw a homeless man give another homeless man a dollar. I'm not kidding. Right under the Damen overpass before Webster I saw a raggedy homeless dude handing an even more destitute fellow a frozen dollar bill. You know it's cold when the homeless are helping out the homeless.

I think if I had a ton of disposable cash and nothing to do all day, I'd buy a huge sack of McDonald's cheeseburgers and drive around the city tossing them at hungry street folks. I like to think I'd do that, anyhow. In reality, I'd probably fire up a brand new XBOX and order a large pizza.

REHAB IS FOR QUITTERS

My buddy JB sent me a link this morning to the news story about San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome. Perhaps you heard of him. He first grabbed the national headlines when he championed same-sex marriage, defying a California law that denied gay folks the right to tie the knot. He became an overnight sensation...almost bigger than Cher...until the court got involved and ordered the city to go back to discriminating based on orientation like the rest of the state.

Gavin found the spotlight again recently when it was revealed that he'd been having an affair with the wife of his campaign manager. Imagine busting your ass tirelessly night and day for months on end to support someone you believe will make a real difference - and the whole time he's also been running for your wife's orifice.

Yesterday, Gavin announced he will be following in the footsteps of all public figures who get caught saying and doing bad things: he's entering rehab for alcohol abuse! Although the PC phrasology these days is for "alcohol use," not "alcohol abuse." Abuse sounds like a problem.

So let's sing - all together now! For he's a jolly good fellow...

Newsome's official statement is straight out of the damage control handbook:

"Upon reflection with friends and family this weekend, I have come to the conclusion that I will be a better person without alcohol in my life. I take full responsibility for my personal mistakes and my problems with alcohol are not an excuse for my personal lapses in judgment."

Do you notice how they always include that line about alcohol not being an excuse for their behavior? I suppose it's an attempt to own up and take responsibility, but how can it be taken seriously when it's attached to a rehab announcement? The whole point to announcing treatment in the first place is to provide an excuse for bad behavior. Why would you go out of your way to make a public announcement that you're entering rehab if not to provide an excuse? Yeah...he's taking FULL responsibility for his actions - even if alcohol made him do it.

BUMPER STICKERS

Here's an abridged list of bumper stickers I found online. Kudos to the fine minds behind some of these gems!

****************

• On an infant's shirt): Already Smarter Than BUSH

• 1/20/09: End of an Error

• That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

• Let's Fix Democracy in THIS Country first!

• If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

• Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

• IMPEACHMENT: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

• America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

• They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

• Cheney/Satan '08

• JAIL to the Chief

• Who Would Jesus Torture?

• No, Seriously, WHY Did We Invade?

• We Need a President Who's Fluent In English

• We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

• Is It Vietnam Yet?

• Bush Doesn't Care About The White People, Either

• Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

• The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

HI BURN 8

It is a cold day in Chicago.

A winter city once warm inside from the many sweet wines of victory now shivers in the bitter cold chill of defeat. The streets outside my window are quiet as the thermometer flirts with zero; salt-encrusted steel machines smoke on the boulevard - the only signs of life on this deathly frigid day. Puxtawhatever Phil tells us there is to be an early spring this year, but it is difficult to even imagine the season to come when the world remains so firmly in winter's grip.

Everything seems to crawl to a halt when it's this cold - myself included. Just as the molecules outside slow to a quivering array of frozen matter, we the breathing particles in this system too seem to slow. Information processes slowly. Movement feels impeded by invisible arms. I am perpetually on sleep's edge. It is a daily struggle to find the energy required to maintain the simplest of routines.

We are all just a few waking hours from hibernation. Just a couple of tasks and meals a day from sleeping as the mighty Bears, conserving energy for another go around the sun - which for all its fiery mass is only capable of teasing us now, even while it sustains us.

Nap anyone?

HIGH CLASS PICTURE

This picture features the bravest student in the history of the Chicago Public School system. He probably also has a rocket arm and gets picked first before every game of touch football, the little glue-sniffer.

Go Bears!





Did you know that, at the start of every NFL season, more bets are placed on the Bears to win the Super Bowl than any other team? Every season. Doesn't matter how good the team is supposed to be - Chicagoans bet money on da Bears. We're crazy stupid like that. Same goes for the Cubs. We love a good long shot - especially if our team is that long shot.

This season the Bears started as 12-1 odds to win it all. Not terrible odds - but not the greatest, either. Didn't matter to the betting public. And now Chicagoans are betting on da Bears in record numbers. But what worries me is the line. The line on the Super Bowl opened at 7 and hasn't moved. All that action on the Bears and the line hasn't budged a point. Why do you suppose that is? Someone's covering all those bets without thinking twice about it. Leads me to believe someone's taking care of business on the inside. Watch for an unevenly called game. Or perhaps Sexy Rexy is on the bookie's payroll. More than a couple unforced errors at key points during the game could be a sign that something is up. 7 points is considered a pretty big spread. Is the Colts offense really that much better than the Bears D?

And here I thought DEFENSE wins championships. Last I checked, the Colts didn't have much of one. Something smells fishy to me here - and not in a good way. This game is going to be a lot closer than people think.

My prediction? Bears 97, Colts 3.

Unless Rex has a good game, of course, in which case we'll probably break 100.

HAPI BETDE!

A friend here at the office turned 40 today and was shocked when I informed him that he was beginning his 41st year here. He told me that factoring in the time he was in his mother's womb didn't count. I assured him I was not considering that time at all.

"Your birthday records the number of years you've COMPLETED," I explained, "Not the number of the year you are in."

"Come again?"

"When you turn 1, you're not starting your first year...you're DONE with it. Your first birthday celebrates an entire tour of duty here. One full year completed. When you turn 40, you're celebrating having gone around the sun 40 full times. So you're actually ushering in your 41st year. You just kicked off year 41 of your life."

"So when I was 39..."

"On your 39th birthday you were actually beginning your 40th year."

He suddenly walked off muttering something under his breath and hasn't spoken to me since.

DON'T BE A SQUARE

Looking for another timewaster?

Check out this Squares Game. You just move your center square around eating up a bunch of other squares - but watch out for the red squares. They're very BAD!

I've played it a number of times and topped out around 9,000 points and 100 squares. They claim the high for the site is over 18,000. Hard to even imagine!

It starts out pretty easy but gets progressively more difficult as the speed of incoming red squares increases. Plus, the size of your original black square gets bigger the more squares you consume! HINT: The circles give you special powers. If you get the invincible one, just start wiping the screen clean and ring up points fast!

I also dig the techno dance beat in the background. Really gets me fired up...

NOW THAT'S SUPER!

Do you know the origin of the name “Super Bowl”?

Don't lie. Nobody does. It’s just one of those words that’s been around forever and no one ever stops to wonder why. It’s the Super Bowl and that’s that. As far as most Americans are concerned, the term Super Bowl has been around since the signing of the Declaration of Independence and is written into our nation’s Constitution. We don’t question its origin because it’s not important. What’s important is what the Super Bowl stands for – a chance for Americans to worship two of their favorite false idols at once: sport and media. I can't wait to find a good spot in front of that enormous HDTV television and settle in for 5+ hours of extreme overeating and overhyped coverage.

Where traditional holidays are given to family, televised cultural events like the Super Bowl (and the Oscars to a lesser degree) provide a good excuse for gathering with friends. It’s like a second Thanksgiving – this time with junk food and drunk friends. Nevermind the turkey...could you pass that 7-layer taco dip! And who brought these mini beef roll thingies? They're incredible!

So where DID the term “Super Bowl” come from? Okay, I’ll tell you. A little closer, please – I don’t want everyone to hear this. It’s actually an off-the-cuff combination of words jokingly uttered by one of the original organizers. Here’s what happened.

Back in 1967 there were two football leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League. The former was the original league; the latter was an upstart rival. After 7 years, the upstart rival AFL became successful enough that people started wondering which league was better. So it was agreed upon that the champion of the National Football League would play the champion of the American Football League to settle things once and for all.

The Commissioner of the NFL, Pete Rozelle, suggested they call that game “The Big One.” A creative genius he was not. Nor was AFL Founder Lamar Hunt, who recently passed away. But it was Lamar's term that ultimately stuck. He claims he was thinking about all of those college football championship games that had been called "bowls" for years when he said: “This game is going to be like a ‘super’ bowl!”

And upon hearing those words together, everyone in the meeting just looked around at each other and agreed: “That name totally sucks, but let’s use it anyhow for now…until we can come up with something better.”

True story - even the last part. “Super Bowl” was intended to be a stop-gap name – a placeholder they’d use temporarily until they could work out something more meaningful. Super Bowl, after all, was kind of generic. Super? Bowl? Why not just call it the Uber Mega Ultimate Super Championship of the Universe? Because Super Bowl was alsmot perfect in its simplicity.

And so today, all these years later, we're still calling “the Big One” the Super Bowl. And a super day it is certain to be...

A DANDY LION INDEED

I love this one. Two 11th graders in Southampton, Hampshire managed to pull off the ultimate school prank. Or perhaps I should say "pull out."

A couple years ago the unnamed duo sprayed weed killer on their school lawn in the shape of a monstrous penis. School staff since re-seeded the damaged area, but not before satellite photos memorialized their feat from space. The appendage can now be seen on Microsoft Virtual Earth and other satellite mapping programs.

Looks like the kids of Southampton High have a new "hang out."

TO SPOOF A PREDATOR

Here's an amusing spoof of those Dateline "To Catch a Predator" shows. The end is the best part.

...AND I FEEL FINE

Are you familiar with the concept of rapture? I recently decided to familiarize myself with end of the world, and this was the word that kept coming up. Rapture. Rapture. Rapture. What's a rapture, I thought. So I looked it up.

Some dictionaries list rapture as a sensation of absolute ecstasy, like the rapture Chicagoans are likely to feel when the Bears upset the Colts on Sunday in Miami. Or the great Rapture certain to envelope America upon Bush's exit from la casa blanca. In theologian terms, however, the “Rapture” means something entirely different. It’s the term used to describe an upcoming event where Christians are taken by God to Heaven – which sounds like a pretty cool deal, except that a lot of folks aren’t invited to the big bash in the sky. Nope – a bunch of us are going to be spending eternity on the curb outside of the 7-11 - lost and without hope.

Voted out of the tribe in Heaven.

Curious? So was I. So I dug a little deeper. For those of you as ignorant about the fundamental tenets of Christianity as I am, here’s a frightening look at the end of the world as we know it.

According to Biblical prophecy, the Rapture is scheduled to occur 7 years before the end of this age. What age is “this” age? That is subject to interpretation, but let’s assume for our soul’s sake it’s the one we’re in now. The age of "now" I like to call it for simplicity's sake. So there’s a 7 year period at the END of this age…and at the end of those 7 years, Christ will be coming out of retirement for his long-anticipated encore performance. The big show is being billed as the “Second Coming,” and while Jesus was one groovy guy (by most modern accounts), his reunion tour is expected to be a complete catastrophe.

Literally. Yeah - by all accounts, when JC comes back, he's all business.

But let me back up for second and explain why Christ is coming out of retirement in the first place. In the interim 7 years between the Rapture and the Second Coming, there is the expected emergence of someone by the name of Antichrist. That would be our antagonist. I used to hear "Antichrist" and think of folks like Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, Hillary Clinton, and Pat Robertson. And my grandmother swears it's Paul Wolfowitz. But according to my sources, the real antichrist is going to be a charming, childless man from Europe. And he’s going to really start mixing shit up.

At the end of 7 years, the planet is going to be in such a state of disarray that Christ will enter stage center wearing a kung-fu robe. A Battle Royale ensues. I read that Don King is already promoting the event on his website, promising plenty of pay-per-view entertainment for the terrified masses. And the executives at FOX are even kicking around some programming concepts for when the Apocalypse is in full swing. Of note are two shows, the first one a reality TV show centered on a “band of brothels” trying to promote procreation in a world where sexual dysfunction and disinterest have become the norm. This one would be called ‘Armageddon Laid’. The second will feature a guy who turns McDonalds restaurants into churches in an effort to promote faith and community on a mass scale as only the best branded corporations of our time have managed. This show will be titled ‘Prophesize Me.”

No, not really. I shouldn't joke. This is serious stuff I’m talking about here! I only make light of the end of the world to bring it to your attention. Do I have your attention yet? No? Okay...let me try terrorizing you. While JC and this debonair European antichrist dude go Armageddon on each other, it is expected that a THIRD of the world’s population will be exterminated. That’s like 2.2 BILLION people! Do I have you attention now? Yeah – this Rapture thing is pretty intense.

Of course, my entire tongue-in-cheek description here is just the Cliff’s Notes version. And it's not even that accurate depending on who you ask. Most Christians don't even agree on what the Rapture will entail, or when it will come. For a more complete explanation, I recommend a good Protestant Bible (the Roman Catholics, I should note, don't call it Rapture at all). If you're too busy to look it up yourself, this is what you need to know about the end of the world:

Good, God-fearing Christians will be saved and the rest of humanity will suffer a great end.

Totally uncool if you ask me. What about the billions of people on this planet whose religious beliefs are contrary to the teachings of Christianity? There are a lot of genuinely good people in this world who don't believe a word of the Bible. Presuming there's any credence to the concept of Rapture, wouldn't they be worth saving?

I have a calculator at my desk and I did a little number crunching. There are roughly 6.5 billion people in the world. If a third of us are wiped out, that leaves 4.3 billion people left to start over again. The number of people expected to depart earth is roughly equivalent to the total number of Christians in the world. Is this a coincidence? Are we all guest starring in the final season of LOST? Here is the population of the world broken down into religious figures, pardon the pun.

1 Christianity: 2.1 billion (1.1 billion of which are Catholics)
2 Islam: 1.3 billion
3 Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist: 1.1 billion
4 Hinduism: 900 million
5 Chinese traditional religion: 394 million
6 Buddhism: 376 million
7 Primal-indigenous: 300 million
8 African Traditional & Diasporic: 100 million
9 Sikhism: 23 million
10 Juche: 19 million
11 Spiritism: 15 million
12 Judaism: 14 million
13 Baha'i: 7 million
14 Jainism: 4.2 million
15 Shinto: 4 million
16 Cao Dai: 4 million
17 Zoroastrianism: 2.6 million
18 Tenrikyo: 2 million
19 Neo-Paganism: 1 million
20 Unitarian-Universalism: 800,000
21 Rastafarianism: 600,000
22 Scientology: 500,000
23 Universal Way of the Jolly Llama: 1...but catching on fast!
There sure are a lot of different ideas out there! And most of these systems of belief are mutually exclusive by design. That is to say, to have one faith is to deny the faiths of others. Religion isn't a Chinese menu off of which you can mix and match different dishes to suit your spiritual taste. Not in theory, anyhow. Historically, people have been told that one discipline is the true discipline and everyone else is on the wrong path. There's a frightening rigidty to it. But in practice, there's a lot of customization going on today. Globalization has brought world's people closer together, exposing us to more ideas and different thought. More and more people are opening their minds to ask "what if"? So the lines in this pie chart aren't as solid as they appear - there's a lot of crossover going on as the colors start bleeding into one another.

Ask around and you'll find actual beliefs vary widely - often within congregations! There are over 2 billion Christians all lumped together in the largest piece of the pie, most of whom disagree with one another on some pretty basic ideas. with so many different messages out there, how is one to know which ones to listen to and which ones to tune out?

We tend to take religion and make it our own. We personalize it. We internalize it. We shape it to fit our lifestyle. It's spiritualism for the new millenium - and for one world. A best practices thing is happening here whereby ideas with merit stick, while those rooted in antiquity are phased out over time. Perhaps that is what is happening with Jihadist Islam today. A miniscule faction of militaristic muslims are discovering there's little worldwide support for their brand of extremism. Killing people who don't share in your beliefs is not among those religious practices civilization chooses to encourage. So they are meeting resistance and have been largely confined to desolate, dangerous places. They're fighting for their dying beliefs like a cornered animal...but the world's civilized people have collectively said "no" to terror. The global human organism understands that the cancer of violent religious fanaticism must be destroyed for the future success of the species.

But I digress...

What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Rapture! So let's get to the part you've been waiting for. WHEN IS THE END OF THE WORLD? Well, according to Rapture Ready, the website tracking our progress toward the end of the world, there’s a lot of disturbingly prophetic activity going on that would indicate the end of the world is nigh.

You can check out the Rapture Index here. Looks to me like we’re speeding toward the Rapture right now! The Rapture Index is a visual measure of world catastrophe intended to predict the Second Coming. It’s basically a snapshot of global strife that changes from day to day. As events in our world unfold, some good and some bad, the Index increases or decreases. And, believe it or not, according to the Rapture Index, we’re on an upswing right now that could be signaling the end of days.

According to my calendar, the end of the world is scheduled for late 2012. So that leaves us all a few more years to atone.

I'm no theologian. I'm actually the first one to admit I know VERY little about religion. But I honestly don't know about all of this biblical prophecy stuff. I tend to think the end of the world is going to be a lot swifter than any of us can fathom. And like an ant in the shadow of a footstep, we probably won't even know it's coming.

Except Chuck Norris, of course, who will ready and waiting.

ANIMAL CANDIES

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, so here's a timely link to some candy-related news. It's an update on the folks at Necco, the candymaker behind those little heart-shaped sugar bombs kids have been passing around for decades. There are 10 new phrases to look for this year, and they have a decidedly animalistic bent to them:

• COOL CAT
• PUPPY LOVE
• TAKE A WALK
• MY PET
• BEAR HUG
• TOP DOG
• URA TIGER
• GO FISH
• LOVE BIRD
• PURR FECT

And I've also been working a few extensions of this theme for next year's batch:

• PLAY DEAD
• PET ME
• BARE HUG
• DOG STYLE
• IN HEAT
• I BITE
• NICE TAIL
• WHIP MEOW

THE iNCREDIBLES

Here are some fantastic Photoshopped creations of imaginary future Mac products. My personal favorite is the iBrator. Sweet.

Graphic designers are colorful folks.