THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR?

I like the holiday season. I really do.

The weather turns brutally cold, people forget how to drive, night falls at 4:30 in the afternoon, and people become generally more irritable and depressed.

What’s not to like?

Seriously, though. I really do enjoy the holiday season. I think most people do, despite our perennial complaints about last minute shopping madness, gridlock, erratic and miserable weather, nauseating holiday music, and creepy uncles.

It's okay, we’ve all got one.

Aside from providing an excuse to spend money we don't have, the holidays serve another, more vital purpose for those of us in colder climates. They help break up the dismal monotony of a lonely season spent primarily indoors.

Between the bitter arctic chill, short gray days, and long dark nights, winter is a naturally depressing time of year. But that stretch of holiday madness between the week of Thanksgiving and the week of New Years keeps us so preoccupied we barely have time to focus on these naturally occurring discomforts.

Nope – during the holiday season, most of our discomforts are entirely man-made.

Why?

WHY are we so wrapped up in ourselves this time of year? Why do people experience mall rage and family overload? Why do people dread the holidays, for lack of a more dreadful word.

This is supposed to be a time of peace and joy. A time to celebrate long-held traditions. A time to honor the birth of Hayes Zeus if you’re Christian, guerilla warfare if you’re Jewish, or the fruits of Capitalism if you’re uncommitted. At least according to Wikipedia.

Yet for so many of us the holidays represent a painfully difficult time of year. Why is that?

It’s really not so much a mystery when you consider the annual convergence of holiday-related stresses. Together, these fretful forces tangle and swell to become the perfect holiday storm…through which our tiny vessels must sail year after grueling year. This week I'd like to explore a few of the specialized stresses common to the holiday experience.

Do any of these sound familiar?

THE WORKPILE
You’re about to enjoy a nice slice of Christmas ham when you suddenly remember the huge report that’s due the day after Christmas…and you haven’t even started yet!

Talk about stress.

How can I possibly focus on the flavor of that savory swine, paired with a curiously spiced holiday wine, if I'm suddenly consumed with all those career commitments on the back burner?

We’re a nation of hard working people. It’s hard to turn that off – or to give ourselves permission to, anyway. The holiday season presents a challenge because, for many of us, there’s always that lingering dread of work piling up, even as we pile up our plates with delicious, starchy sides. I had a hard time relaxing this year thinking about all the stuff I wasn’t getting done.

SCHEDULING NIGHTMARE
A lot of people have to work during the holidays, including medical professionals, law enforcement officials, retail sales staff – just to name a few. For these folks and plenty of others, the holidays aren’t really a break in the action so much as a frustrating distraction.

And there’s a lot of wheeling and dealing involved to secure enough time off to make all those holiday meals. Holiday scheduling can create a lot of conflict in the home and place a lot of stress on an entire family.

GETTING MALLED
I am not what you would call a "people person." If I know you and like you, I don't mind standing behind you in line at the store. If I don't know you, you're in my way. And the mall becomes full of people in my way this time of year. People with strollers. People moving way too slow. People wandering aimlessly unsure of their next step. People texting people. People texting while walking slowly and aimlessly, with strollers and shopping bags. Holiday shopping is a contact sport that requires great patience, intestinal fortitude, and perseverance.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Most people spend the holidays with family. And every single person in your family has an expectation of how the holidays “should” be celebrated. Try changing things just a little bit and you could become the subject of vicious whispers.

In most cases, the general rule is: don’t rock the boat. In this way, the holidays represent the purest of social bureaucracies. “We do things the way we do them because we’ve ALWAYS done them that way!”

Never mind that there may be an easier, better way. Just come ready to defend yourself if you plan to change anything at all about the holidays, including but not restricted to the following.

• The rules to a traditional holiday game: “These rules are confusing! Why does my grab bag gift have to start with the letter P?”

• The order of events: “We can't eat now. We ALWAYS open presents first. I just had lunch an hour ago!”

• The style of meal service: “What is this - China House Buffet? It's so informal!"

• The start time: “Why are they having us so early this year? Do they want us to LEAVE earlier?”

• The menu: “Artichoke hearts and pork loin? Things must be really bad for them this year.”

• The day: “How can you have Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve? It’s just not right!”

• Gifting: “I hate grab bags – why can’t we just buy for everybody like we always do?”

That’s the way tradition works. Change things up at your own risk…and expect to hear about it – usually through the grapevine, and 11 months later.

EXTENDED FAMILY MATTERS
Another source of stress around the holidays is being in a house full of people you only see once or twice a year. The first half hour is usually marked by everyone sitting next to who they came with, quietly avoiding eye contact like strangers in the waiting room at the family planning clinic.

Sooner or later, and usually after a glass or two of cheap wine, we loosen up enough to make small talk. And it isn't long after that that the gossip machine fires up. We’ve all been on the receiving end of a muffled inquiry as someone surreptitiously leans in for the scoop.

“Wow, I didn’t know she had another baby. That means she would have been pregnant last year. Hmmmm. Does she know whose it is?”

“They’re married? No way. He's totally gay.”

“What’s the youngest one’s name again? I always get those kids mixed up.”

“Is that the same guy she brought last year? I think I saw him on a Dateline special.”

“What happened to grandma’s face?”

“Who’s THAT guy – I’ve never seen him before.”

“When did Uncle Ron get out?”

“That’s not cousin Rachel is it? Oh my. She needs to put that plate of sausages down.”

“Is that a prosthetic?”

"How long has my fly been open?"

BUYING GIFTS
One of the most stressful of all holiday activities is the gift-giving ritual, and that’s because a lot of people are keenly aware that gifts say a lot about what you think of the person you are giving it to. For those of us who care what other people think, there’s a lot of stress in finding the “perfect” gift – or at least a gift that demonstrates a little thought. There’s also the stress of showing up to a family gathering without a gift for someone who was thoughtful enough to pick out something just for you. And then there’s the stress of keeping track of all the people in the family to buy for year after year.

THE VALUE CALCULATION
For better or worse, most of us can instantly ballpark the relative value of the things we give and receive. And it can be a little bit nerve-racking when the calculations aren't close.

"Wow - we got your brother's kids about $100 worth of stuff, and they gave us another friggin' sock monkey. That's six sock monkeys now."

I had a relative who did all of his holiday shopping at garage sales. No joke. I once received a glass bust of a human head wrapped in the comics section of the newspaper. You can't even regift something like that.

As for the rest of us, we can heap a lot of stress on ourselves as we work toward establishing a fair exchange of gifts. We want to make sure we spend roughly the same amount of money on the important people in our lives so no one feels slighted. How did we become so sensitive?

How many times have you had to run out and get something else at the last minute to “even things up.” It can become a never-ending balancing act to even approach equality in spending. Unless you resort to gift cards, of course - the least imaginative of all gifts, but the easiest in terms of keeping everything fair and square.

I know a lot of people who are big fans of gift cards, but to me gift cards have always seemed uninspired, and even a little impractical - because they're like cash, minus the convenience and universal acceptance. Like receiving foreign currency.

"Those are Lire. You can use them to buy whatever you want...the next time you happen to be in Italy."

MEMORY LANE
Death is an unfortunate, but inevitable life event that can forever mark a holiday with special sadness. This can create a lot of stress as we anticipate spending another season without someone for whom we cared so deeply. This profound brand of sadness has a way of controlling us and suppressing any happiness we might otherwise experience in the presence of the loved ones we have left.

MULTIPLE CELEBRATIONS
Today’s families are mixed, extended, appended, extended again, and downright confusing. How many separate holiday celebrations did you have this year? I had six. There was Christmas Eve day, Christmas Eve night, Christmas Day morning, Christmas Day evening, the day after Christmas, and then two days later.

Due to the fractured nature of the contemporary family unit, a lot of people find themselves on tour for the holidays – booking multiple engagements over the course of a very busy week. This can be an extremely stressful thing to pull off with all of the different events to attend, gifts to buy, travel to coordinate, and schedules to accommodate. You almost need a tour manager, a tour bus, and a team of roadies to keep the holidays rolling smoothly.

THE MAD DASH
Every year the holidays seem to come a little earlier, or at least retailers make it seem that way. Still, with so much work required to make the holidays special it seems there’s never enough time to get everything done. People fight stress daily as they work to cross off items on a never-ending holiday to-do list. Winterize the house. Buy stamps. Go shopping. Send out holiday cards. Decorate the house. Put up the lights. Buy a tree. Wrap the gifts. Make travel plans. Considering how busy most people are these days to begin with, all of these additional responsibilities can be a stressful burden.

THE MALCONTENT
Nothing creates stress around the holidays like that one person who gets underneath everyone’s skin. You know who I’m talking about. The chatterbox who never shuts up. The know-it-all who’s smarter than everybody, but especially you. The aloof snob who criticizes everything. The grump with the short fuse. The phantom menace who manufactures drama behind the scenes.

While most of us look forward to the holidays as a chance to catch up with loved ones, overeat, and enjoy the company of family and friends, there are a handful of malcontents who use the holidays as an opportunity to complain, meddle, badmouth, aggravate, and gossip. Just anticipating having to deal with these people can send stress levels soaring.

WEATHER ALERT
With the exception of those lucky enough to reside in milder climes, most of us in the northern hemisphere must brave the elements in navigating through the holiday season. Inclement weather creates messy, dangerous conditions for living and traveling. From cold, leaky houses to salty, icy roads, the season itself has a way of creating natural stress. It took me 3 hours and 15 minutes to get home from work last week, roughly how long it would take to fly to Florida and get away from all of it.

DIETARY GUILT
How do we say NO to all of this food?

The short answer is we don’t. We give ourselves permission to gorge with the understanding that we’ll start a whole new diet in the new year.

But that doesn’t make us feel any better when notice our outie has become an innie virtually overnight.

We eat way too much over the holidays. We know it, we let ourselves do it, and we feel guilty about it after. It’s part of the holiday experience, and a common source of stress for men and women of all ages.

STRAPPED
Look in your bank account lately? The holidays sure are expensive!

If there’s one thing this year’s slow retail sales indicated it’s that we don’t NEED most of things we’ve been buying year after year. Stores are hurting because we finally managed to put the breaks on runaway spending.

I saw tables piled high with cheaply built pre-packaged gifts imported from China lining the aisles of department stores. Every checkout counter was stacked with boxes of “impulse” holiday buys. There were “sale” signs in every window of every store, in every newspaper ad on every page of every newspaper, and in every department of every store in every mall and shopping center.

In leaner times it becomes clear just how frivolous we have been – throwing money at stuff that ends up collecting cobwebs in the crawlspace. In the face of economic uncertainty, tightening our purse strings can be a stressful exercise in self-control as we seek out other ways to demonstrate to loved ones that we do care about them…just not enough to throw $20 at an electronic coin counter or flimsily constructed desk caddy.

If this economy keeps tanking, next year I'll be giving out hand-drawn caricatures of myself.

**************************

So here we are – staring down the barrel of another New Year, presumably thankful to have made it and relieved to have another holiday season under our belts, if tightly. I heard more than one person declare this year that next year they’d be on vacation. Now there's a plan!

Avoid the frigid weather. The aggravation of holiday traffic. The awkwardness of extended family gatherings. The conflicting schedules. The last minute running around. The pressure to conform to what everybody else wants to do.

Just get away. Fly away.

Sorry – can’t make it this year…I’ll be out of the country.

Just laying there in the warm sand on some remote beach with a chilly mojito thinking to yourself how this truly is “the most wonderful time of the year.”

Until your creepy uncle strides out of the surf in a speedo.

NORTH POLE ECONOMY HEADS SOUTH: SANTA CUT FROM WORLD PAYROLL

Here’s the transcript from a television interview recently conducted in Lapland. It offers a startling look at how the economic meltdown is affecting people all over the world – even a global pop icon who once had it all.









*************

NORTH POLE, ARCTIC CIRCLE – Long time resident and world-renowned philanthropist Santa Claus was let go this week after centuries of dedicated service to all the good little boys and girls of the world. It was a shocking blow to the custom toymaker’s once unshakeable empire, and a warning shot to world economies.

We sat down with Mr. Claus for an exclusive conversation about his life, service, and uncertain future as the world’s most reliable free custom gift delivery service.

AYNtK: You look tired.

SANTA: Another late one last night, my friend. Very, very late.

AYNtK: Burning the midnight oil?

SANTA: [sighs] More like drinking the midnight whiskey.

AYNtK: I heard you were a tequila man.

SANTA: Ho, ho, no. Not anymore.

AYNtK: So...first of all, sorry to hear about the most recent news. It’s pretty rough out there.

SANTA: Tell me about it, young man. But, then, I suppose nothing lasts forever. Except fruitcake perhaps. [laughs] Ho ho!

AYNtK: It’s good to see you’re still in good spirits what with everything going on these days. Talk to me about that.

SANTA: It’s pretty simple, really. The people of the world are unconsciously reprioritizing the value of human capital.

AYNtK: Sounds like we’re done with the small talk. Tell me what you mean by that.

SANTA: Sure. By that I mean to say we are repurposing the human engine to meet new needs. It’s a difficult, but necessary, adjustment.

[Santa notices the vacuous look in my eyes and sighs again]

SANTA: Let’s see if I can lend a little clarity to that. Take your job, for example.

AYNtK: Please don’t – I need it. (I laugh)

SANTA: See? Right there? That’s value. People eat that shit up, pardon my French Vietnamese.

AYNtK: Eat what up?

SANTA: The humor. The wit. The perspective you put on things. As a writer, the value YOU provide the world is in this interview. You spend your working hours doing what you do for money, which you can then exchange for products and services, all the productivity of other people. You follow?

AYNtK: Sure. I’m essentially trading my skills for money, which is currency I can exchange to leverage the skills of other people. It’s a productivity swap.

SANTA: Righto. So it’s a question of value. And value varies.

AYNtK: Are you saying the world no longer values Santa Claus? I can’t buy that.

SANTA: It’s economics. The amount of currency you receive for your effort depends primarily on several things: Your talent, your time, and the market demand. Generally speaking, the more TALENTED you are, the more people will trade their currency for your skills. The more TIME you spend being productive, the more currency you can earn. And the more demand for what you produce, the more currency you can demand in exchange.

AYNtK: Interesting. So how does this play into your current situation?

SANTA: That’s where I was headed. I’m a pretty talented guy. I’m the only guy I know, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m the only guy I know who can strap a team of reindeer to a sleigh and take that thing airborne. It’s not a skill they’re teaching the kids these days.

AYNtK: I should say you’re right about that.

SANTA: But today with the Internet and global shipping we have a democracy of goods. People order what they want when they want it and it shows up a few days later. Did you know that letters to Santa are down over 400% from just a decade ago?

AYNtK: Wow. That’s significant. Why is that?

SANTA: Because I take too long. Kids don’t want to write a letter and wait a month or more for me to show up – hoping I bring them what they asked for. They get their parents to shop on eBay and Amazon and have stuff shipped immediately. I’m a 20th century dinosaur.

AYNtK: But your delivery system is remarkable. World coverage overnight.

SANTA: Ever hear of FedEx?

AYNtK: Now this might sound to some like you agree with your termination – at least in principle.

SANTA: Let’s just say I understand where it comes from. Of course I still have value to offer. Think of the operational logistics of building all those toys – millions of custom requests to fulfill. Then there’s the distribution network, which consists – again – of me. And the whole chimney drop thing. Took me years to nail that.

AYNtK: I don’t think people really appreciate all the work you put into making Christmas a magical event.

SANTA: And I really streamlined things since the early days. Made a lot of upgrades. I wasn’t always this efficient, you know. There were years I skipped entire countries. Simply ran out of time. I don’t think the North Koreans ever forgave me. At least not that Kim Jong-Il guy.

AYNtK: That does explain a lot. I think most people assume your system is pretty flawless.

SANTA: [laughs] Far from it. In fact, I get orders mixed up all the time. You ever get something from me when you were a kid that wasn’t what you asked for?

AYNtK: Actually, I do remember REALLY wanting a Big Wheel car, and getting a Hot Wheels car instead. That was rough.

SANTA: Details, my friend. Details are everything.

AYNtK: So if you’re the only one who can do what you do, why’d they pull the plug on the operation?

SANTA: I’m a luxury, son. As in: no one needs me. Half the world’s kids don’t believe in me anymore anyhow. I’m actually surprised they let me stay on as long as they did, what with the huge deficits I’ve been running year after year. There’s no revenue in giving things away. Just a growing expense sheet. Do you know how much those Wii things cost?

AYNtK: Any predictions for those people watching right now and wondering what’s in store for them?

SANTA: Well, I suppose if it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. It’s happening everywhere, but especially in America. Look at your economy. Major shifts in human capital are going to be required to get things humming again. You’ve got to ask yourself, what will the commercial sector need to sustain the momentum of progress? Where are we in the evolution of civilization? What kind of world are we moving toward? What skills will the new economy require of its workforce? The skills of much of the workforce are becoming obsolete. Everything is automated and computerized. Even the service sector is at risk as more people are able to do things for themselves online.

AYNtK: What can we do as individuals?

SANTA: Think about what you do and how it contributes to what you have and how you live. Everyone needs to do this. Consider your talents and skills. How can you bring value to the new world economy? What does the world need now and how can you meet that need?

AYNtK: Wise advice from a guy who’s been around a little while.

SANTA: When I started this gig way back when I remember thinking, “You know, science is taking all the mystery out of life. There’s a void there. People want to believe something magical is happening behind the scenes. Something good.” And so I devoted my life to making that happen. It was a good run.

AYNtK: So what’s next for you? Are things going to work out for the Kringles?

SANTA: I hear there’s a vacant Senate seat in Illinois. [cackles loudly] Ho ho ho!

AYNtK: There may be a governorship soon, too, is what I hear.

SANTA: I wouldn’t do well in politics. I’m a model of efficiency – making more every year with less. Government somehow manages the opposite. But seriously, we’re going to be fine. Few people know this, but the Mrs. is actually an accomplished astrophysicist. She had some pretty substantial offers come in after she re-engineered my sleigh to slingshot with pinpoint precision at near-orbital velocities.

AYNtK: And what’s next for you?

SANTA: I’ve been at this for so long I haven’t given it a whole lot of thought. But I would like to try windsurfing.

**********

Santa remains in good spirits, despite being on the verge of losing his North Pole estate. According to the Elven Times, Claus Enterprises has always operated in the red, but is now behind on mortgage payments and expects a 2009 deficit close to one hundred billion Euros. First Pole Savings & Loan, reacting to the recent credit crunch, has been threatening foreclosure for the jolly old soul whose future job security is no longer “in the bag.”

THOUGHTFULLY YOURS

This mini-movie is great. It's a brilliantly conceived and executed example of integrated, viral marketing. And effective, I should note, as I share the link here so you can see what I'm talking about.

Beware the doghouse, my friends.

CONFESSIONS OF A FACEBOOK ADDICT

I love Facebook.

There, I said it.

I must admit – and I may be dating myself by doing so – but I just didn’t get the concept at first. What IS this Facebook thing, I wondered.

Is it a site for sharing pictures? Is it an online lounge for casual, if virtual, encounters? Is it a networking tool? I didn’t understand the mass appeal. Why had millions of people signed up to be a part of this community? And did I really want to add my face to this book?

On the advice of a good friend who always seems ahead of the curve on all things up-and-coming, I decided to create a profile. It was simple to do, and more importantly - FREE. I uploaded a photo and entered some basic data about myself, things like where I went to school, where I work, books I’ve read, shows I watch. You know, the kind of stuff you’d get out of the way on a first date.

When I was done I sat back and looked at my profile. So that’s it, eh? That’s me? I had no idea I was so, er...boring. But online profiles don’t lie.

Happily married. Creative Director at a marketing firm. Enjoys sushi and watches Dexter on Showtime. Does crossword puzzles and plays guitar in his spare time.

I clicked around a little bit, but didn’t really know what I was supposed to be doing, or why I would even be doing it aside from wasting time. It’s safe to say, even in hindsight, there wasn’t much utility in Facebook for me the day I signed up, so I logged out and did not anticipate returning.

And then it happened.

About six months later I began receiving emails from the Facebook website letting me know that people I knew personally were now a part of the community. These people were requesting to be my “friend” and Facebook wanted me to verify that I knew them.

So I logged back in and started accepting my “friend” invitations, but only from the people I actually knew. A lot of people on Facebook will ask to become friends with anyone because they like running up their friend count, but those aren't really FRIENDS, are they?

I thought about it and decided I'm really not accepting applications for new friends at this time. I like the friends I already have. Most of them, anyhow. So over the course of the next few weeks I started collecting old friends and connecting them together in a patchwork quilt of acquaintances unique to me.

Suddenly my Facebook page wasn’t so boring anymore. It wasn't merely showing off the few things I elected to share about ME, it offered windows into the lives of people I knew from various stages of my life. I could click around and see what other people were up to, and they could check in on me. Suddenly I felt like I should be wearing pants more often.

By virtue of the site's “Status Bar” function, which users can update as often as they want, I could see what every other person in my network of friends was recently up to. Or, more correctly, I could see what they WANTED me to see they were up to. You update your own status bar, after all, and can write pretty much whatever comes to mind.

I began updating my status bar several times a day.

Terry is…dreaming of a white Christmas.

Terry is…so nudely awakened.

Terry is…taking an 8-year-old out of school to fly to Vegas.

Terry is…not wearing pants, as far as you know.

Terry is…stewing in a marinade of commuter metal on 290 (via the mobile application for the iPhone)

It wasn't long before people started commenting on my status, and I started commenting back. It was like we were having an actual conversation - without the awkwardness of trying to have a conversation with someone you haven't seen in years. Small talk is still talk.

That's when the site finally made sense to me. Its utility is in the connections you make with the people in your life. If you’re only connected to a couple of people, the site has less value to you than if you’re connected to 20, or 100. And the quality of the connections you keep on Facebook is entirely up to you. You could have 10 close friends, 100 acquaintances, or 1000 strangers in your network.

When I had first signed up, there were only a couple of people I knew personally to connect with. I felt like the first guy to own a fax machine. Fancy piece of equipment – but until someone else got one, it was just a monstrous chunk of wasted potential.

The more people I knew who joined Facebook, the more value it had to me. I began adding old co-workers, high school buddies, bandmates, college roommates, cousins, and a lot of current friends I wished I could see more often. I invited all of my close friends to join. I encouraged my wife to sign up. I even told my parents that the best way to keep tabs on their son was to get on Facebook.

"Ever wonder what your kids are up to?" I asked them. "I tell everyone what I'm doing 3 or 4 times every day." Some people have noted that they don't really need to know when I'm dropping the kids off at the pool, but I don't buy that for a second.

***********

People come in and out of our lives. We graduate. We move. We get new jobs. We move again. We get married. We move again. We get new jobs again. And as we perform the cultural rituals of our time, starting and ending the many different chapters in our lives, the people in our lives come and go.

Rifle through an old photo album. Look at all the faces you haven't seen in years. Grade school. High school. College. Spring breaks. Summer vacations. First job. What are all of those people up to now? Facebook helps us keep these people in our lives – but only the people we choose to keep.

Today I use Facebook to let people know what I’m up to…and my friends keep me posted on the goings on in their lives. It’s almost like living in the same house with everyone you know, minus the smell.

Sometimes I stroll the hallways of my Facebook house to see who’s around. I’ll check out the latest picture posts on their bulletin boards, read about their most recent entanglements, and see what books or movies they’re recommending. When something strikes me, I leave a message for them – another function of the site I love.

Commentary. Or, Comment Terry.

Facebook is perfect for someone like me because I like people…but I’ve never been a phone guy. I’m just not a fan of the spontaneous “Hey, how ya been?” call. I don’t know why, really – I can be quite gregarious in person, at least after a few pints of the black stuff.

Phones, though, make me nervous. It really is a miracle I found someone to marry me given my aversion to the telephone. Facebook provides an opportunity to reach out and touch someone without the time commitment of an open-ended conversation. And that is an interesting point that bears some attention.

Think about Instant Messaging. Remember when that got hot? You could see who was online in your AOL or Yahoo Messenger tray and instantly engage unsuspecting friends in conversation. What fun!

Yeah – it was fun for a while, but the novelty soon faded as more and more people discovered the “invisible” function. People, it turned out, liked having the OPTION to engage other people, on their terms, but weren’t always open to being engaged. We liked being connected, but not available 24/7. And there was always that one person who wanted to chat chat chat every time they found you online.

You are now Invisible.

Facebook offers NSIM – Not-So-Instant Messaging. You can poke around, add comments, make requests, send messages, and have entire conversations online – but entirely on YOUR schedule. You’re not staring at a blinking cursor waiting for someone to “brb.” You don’t have to respond right away when someone posts a remark. There’s nothing intrusive about it.

You’re connected when it’s convenient for you.

The people I know use Facebook for different reasons. I use it as a creative outlet, giving my status lines a little extra thought, and offering comments that beg for response. I use it to burn a few minutes between meetings at work. I use it to say happy birthday. I use it to stay connected to old friends and new in a way I didn’t feel connected before.

My wife is probably right – I am probably on Facebook more than I need to be, and probably at the expense of other things I should - or, COULD - be doing. Shoveling the walk. Writing my next big article. Planning our next weekend getaway. I'm sure the novelty will fade at some point and she'll stop calling herself a Facebook widow. A little melodramatic perhaps, but I do appreciate good hyperbole.

Today I completely recognize the value in Facebook, and I highly recommend it. If you don’t have a profile yet, go create one at Facebook.com. It’s easy, and more importantly - FREE.

Upload a photo, enter some basic data about yourself, and start filling your Facebook house with the familiar faces of friends from the many different chapters of your life. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to drop the kids off at the pool.

ERROR ALERT

Several more unsubstantiated claims came out of Pakistan this week reporting that Chief Operating Terrorist Osama Bin Laden remains alive and is doing quite well. Pentagon officials were quick to dismiss these claims as Turban Legend.

THE DUBIOUS MERITS OF PERSISTENCE

"It doesn't matter how many times you fail. It doesn't matter how many times you almost get it right. No one is going to know or care about your failures, and neither should you. All you have to do is learn from them and those around you because... All that matters in business is that you get it right once. Then everyone can tell you how lucky you are."

~Mark Cuban

SPECIAL DELIVERY

I am a proud subscriber to the Chicago Tribune. I say proud because in this age of technology and the Internet, and for how much time I spend online perusing the latest of the latest breaking news, there's still something I enjoy about having that tactile sheet of fiber between my fingers.

Makes me feel aloof, in a way. Your Internet's not good enough for me. I'm going to read the newspaper.

Which I don't, really. I mean, I look at the pictures and scan the headlines. But I don't really read it. Does ANYONE under the age of 55 read the newspaper?

Still, I enjoy getting it because it's a piece of my past. Of our past. It's symbolic of a time when if you wanted to find out something about the world, you didn't flip on a television, click on a mouse, or hit a few buttons on your wireless device. You went out on the front stoop in your robe and slippers and fished your newspaper out of a snowbank that the city trucks made when they plowed through your neighborhood at 4am.

You wanted news back then? It was printed on paper every day of the week, and delivered directly to your door. And it still feels nice to be physically connected in that way.

So you can imagine my disappointment last Wednesday when I didn't get my daily paper. It wasn't that I was looking forward to reading it, or that I needed to consult it for something in particular that day, which does happen from time to time. Feature articles. Exclusive savings. Movie reviews and showtimes. The daily crossword. There's a lot to love still about the Chicago Tribune offline, but these weren't on my mind last Wednesday when I raced down the stairs to secure my plastic-sheathed footnote on history.

President-Elect Barack Obama was.

It was the day after the election, and Chicagoans were beaming with pride. Tens of thousands had turned out the night before to hear his victory speech. It was history in the making, and we all, somehow, felt a part of it. This newspaper was my souvenir. My keepsake. It made it all seem more real.

Only my newspaper wasn't there. Nor was the neighbor's newspaper. I looked down the street and didn't see any newspapers. Had they all been stolen or had they gone undelivered?

I immediately called the Chicago Tribune to inquire. As is so often the case these days, I received an automated teleprompter. After navigating my way to the "delivery problems" menu, I reported that I had not received my paper, identified myself, and requested re-delivery. I then went to the grocery store to purchase a back-up.

As I approached the grocery store I noticed handmade signs on the glass doors in the entranceway.

SORRY! WE ARE ALL OUT OF TODAY'S NEWSPAPERS - WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

I started to realize that today's paper wasn't going to be easy to come by - at least not in this Democratic stronghold, and hometown to our nation's next President.

The paper didn't come that day, so I emailed customer service and requested redelivery. I imagined they would be skeptical at this point. How many others had done the same I wondered? They wrote back 16 hours later with a polite greeting to let me know they had received my request and would be passing it on to the appropriate people.

I waited. When the paper didn't come, I decided to write again. I asked for an ETA on my re-delivery. They replied the following morning with another kind greeting, thanking me for my business, and asking for my patience as they worked to resolve the issue. A new paper would arrive within 48 hours they said.

After 49 hours, I responded again. I was becoming skeptical, and this they surely noted in my tone, which had taken a turn for the sarcastic. I was beginning to inquire as to how the daily papers for Thursday and Friday had been delivered without a problem - yet my Wednesday re-delivery had not arrived.

They responded and asked for my continued patience. I would have the paper in 48 hours.

I responded that it had technically been 49 hours since they'd first told me to wait 48 hours, and I asked if they meant to wait ANOTHER 48 hours, or if they just weren't aware that so much time had passed since their commitment.

They responded the following day with an apology for the experience, and a note indicating they had referred my case to a Special Service agent who would see to it that I received a "proper" delivery. I imagined a 12-year-old kid on the other end, laughing as he typed up these fantastic responses to my concerns and requests. Special Service agent? Proper delivery? Were they making this stuff up?

Another 48 hours passed and no paper came. My wife could sense it was irking me and sugested I just give it up already. By now there were news reports of the paper going for up to $50 an issue on eBay. There's no way you get a paper now, she said. Someone probably stole it and they probably don't have any more.

I wrote again, this time infusing some hyperbole into the equation and declaring this event the single greatest customer service catastrophe I have ever known. In fact, it rather paled to the time I was charged a mysterious "installation" fee by RCN Cable and had to file a grievance with the Better Business Bureau to get my money back - which I did.

The Chicago Tribune responded yet again with another "we are sorry for the inconvenience," another "and we thank you for your business," another "and we appreciate your patience," and another "but doing all we can."

At what point do I give up, I thought. When do I acquiesce to circumstance and throw in the proverbial towel? A week? A month? Never? It occurred to me, again, that a complaint with the Better Business Bureau would be in order. Overkill, to be sure, but
it would be an exclamation point on the entire episode. After all, I thought, I had PAID for that paper...in advance.

That's the whole point to a delivery - you pay in advance for the convenience of having the newspaper dropped off at your door every morning. There was nothing convenient about what I was going through, all to get my prepaid copy of the one paper - the ONLY paper - that in all my time as a subscriber I ever wanted to keep. And barring a Chicago Cubs World Series appearance, which looks less and less likely every year, it's the only paper I would probably ever want to keep.

And then yesterday I got the call. 7:43am. It was the paper carrier with my copy of LAST Wednesday's paper. He was coming by in 10 minutes if I could meet him. I was late for work already...but work could wait. I was not about to miss this edition again.

So I waited on the curb outside my house as the morning commuters whisked by in a damp, cold rush hour frenzy. A beat-up Mazda pulled over suddenly and an older Hispanic gentleman stepped out of the car. He handed me the newspaper, which I cradled in my arms immediately like a little girl clutching her favorite American Girl doll.

Thank you, I said. This gesture was much appreciated. He nodded his head and hopped back in the car.

You know, I didn't think it would come. But it did. And they even called me the next morning to make sure I'd received it. I was pleased to say I did, as I thanked them for their effort...and for sticking with me through the sarcasm, hyperbole, and thinly veiled belligerence.

So again, today, I am a proud subscriber to the Chicago Tribune. Proud because in this age of technology and the Internet, and for how much time I spend online perusing the latest of the latest breaking news, there's still something I enjoy about having that tactile sheet of fiber between my fingers.

And because in this day of interconnectedness, when we often feel more disconnected than anything else, some companies still know how to deliver when it counts.

And the Chicago Tribune is one of them.

THE UNITED STATES OF OBAMACA

A good friend of mine recently canvassed a nearby battleground state for Barack Obama. Today I congratulated him on the effort, remarking that we had done it. He then, in a phrase, captured what I believe to be the essence of what this victory means to so many Americans.

"Now I can travel overseas and not have to lie and tell people I'm Canadian."

He was joking, of course. Kind of. I think.

The fact is, the last 8 years - and in particular the last 4 - have represented an embarrassing stretch for Americans. We haven't been admired, respected, or appreciated by our friends around the globe...and with good reason. Sanctioning torture. Revoking civil liberties. Preemptive, unilateral military strikes founded on manufactured intelligence and hunches. Wiretapping. We've been viewed as fat, lazy, greedy, hostile, spiteful, vengeful bullies with massive chips on our shoulders and a Patrick Swayze approach to foreign policy.

It's my way or the highway. Clearly we haven't been taking the "high" way.

Most people around the globe don't hate the American people - but they do detest our policies. And those policies (fair or not) have been largely attributed to our dictator in chief - President Bush. The shift away from his party signaled to the world that the American people soundly reject what Bush has done...both at home and abroad. Each vote for Obama added to the momentum of a massive movement - the national reclamation of our dignity.

And so my friend had it exactly right - joking or not. With the election of Obama, we don't have to hang our heads in shame for our witless, bumbling chief executive. We can be a proud people again, confident in the abilities of our chosen leader.

At least until inauguration day when his mettle is put to the test. Then all bets are off. The economic deck is stacked against him.

The naysayers are already calling for his impeachment - indeed there are Facebook groups already dedicated to the cause months from inauguration. There are miserable millions still suffering the agony of defeat and declaring their discord with the usual statements of defiance. He's not MY president. He doesn't represent ME.

Oh, but he does. And if you give the man some time, and cut the guy some slack, you may just find yourself thankful for it. We have, on a single day, in a single election, restored the faith of the world community in our collective judgment as a nation. Further, we demonstrated in the most meaningful of ways, that we remain qualified to lead by the power of example.

Heck - maybe Canadians traveling abroad will even lie and say they're Americans. I am joking of course. Kind of.

BABY GOT BARACK!

Here's a very cool link to some behind-the-scenes photography of Barack Obama on election night. These pics do a great job capturing the emotion and anticipation of a historic moment in time.

ERECTION DAY COVERAGE

It has been quite remarkable hasn't it? All of this excitement over a Presidential Election? I can't remember a time when the entire country was this energized over politics. I'm too young to remember the Kennedy/Nixon throwdown, but I hear that's the best comparison to what's been going on now.

It's encouraging. It means people care again. We feel like our votes matter. We want our voices heard. We feel there's someone we can connect with.

I actually know people, for the first time in my life, who traveled to nearby battleground states to knock on doors. I know people who made phone calls to undecided voters from their homes. I actually donated hard-earned money to TWO political candidates this year (and I was only related to one of them). People are investing their time and money in politics like never before. Americans are stoked.

I'm watching news coverage now and everywhere in America there are long lines out the door - people prepared to wait for hours to be counted. They're not downtrodden or frustrated - they're upbeat and optimistic. They're proud to finally be fighting for (or against, in many cases) something they sense is big.

And isn't it big? A country that has symbolized opportunity for well over 200 years with an African American poised to become President, or a woman Vice President. History in the making, regardless of who ends up on top. No wonder so many people are turning out to be a part.

As of this morning, nearly everyone I know (well) has voted. I'd guess half of them were Bush supporters at one time who are solidly behind Obama now. People whose combined household incomes may break the Obama tax increase threshold are punching his name because they believe, in principle, with the direction he wants to take this country. Even my dear mom, who once supported the proud isolationist Pat Buchanan (bless her heart), admitted that she "may" have voted for Obama. Now that truly is remarkable.

As for me, I'm just thrilled to see so many people participating. The opportunity for millions and millions of people to select their own leader is one of mankind's greatest accomplishments. It wasn't always like this, remember. The democratic process is a relatively new deal. And we're still working on it.

The early voting thing is proof of that. It's about time they figured out a way to involve more people in the process. Holding elections on a cold, often wet, November day in the middle of the work week probably wasn't the best way to encourage participation. But it served its purpose while it lasted, which was to benefit entrenched power. Sure made it harder for those meddlesome working class people to have a voice. But that voice is being heard now - loud and clear.

As for me, I'm glad the entire thing is finally coming to an end. Or, as I think back to the electoral debacle of 2000, must I ask myself, "Is it?" Let's hope we can avoid a replay of that ugly scene.

At least I didn't make the same mistake this year that I did in 2004 when I found out the "hard" way that the first Tuesday in November is ELECTION day, not erection day. Talk about your embarrassing moments. Officials at the polling place were NOT impressed.

WYOMINGLING WITH DEMOCRATS

According to a report on CNN, Vice President Dick Cheney's hometown newspaper just named Obama their presidential pick. In case you forgot, Dick is from Wyoming...gun country. Brokeback red state. Rodeo central. What I like best is what the paper wrote in endorsing the Democrat. Big thumbs up for the Casper-Star Tribune.

"It is a foregone conclusion that Wyoming's three electoral votes will go to Sen. John McCain. It would be easy for the Star-Tribune to simply agree with the majority of voters in this red state and endorse the Republican candidate for president.

"But this isn't an ordinary election, and Sen. Barack Obama has the potential to be an extraordinary leader at a time we desperately need one."

"If the John McCain of 2000 saw today's counterpart, he wouldn't recognize himself...McCain is no longer a GOP maverick, or the war hero whose principles were unwavering. He has flip-flopped on issues ranging from tax cuts to torture in an effort to win over the conservative base of his party. He has waged a dismal campaign based on fear and divisiveness."

Damn. No love

DON'T VOTE!

In case you haven't seen it, this Get Out the Vote clip is great. Lot of Hollywood brass came out for this - and it's not a Obamamercial like you might think. It's simply a message to Vote.

Check it out.

THE SOUL SURVIVOR

A few weeks ago I attended a personal development seminar called Lifebook.

Never heard of it? Neither had I. You can check it out for yourself here if you'd like.

It was a work deal. Since I will soon be advising Lifebook on their marketing, and writing some kick-ass copy for their targeted direct campaigns, they decided it would be a good idea for me to experience their seminar in person. Who was I to argue with that logic? So I went.

What is Lifebook?

Lifebook was a concentrated, 4-day motivation/development seminar conducted in the comfort of a place called the "Lifebook Lounge." The lounge is a nicely renovated space in Chicago's warehouse district near the Lake Street El train, which you can hear rumble by about every 15 minutes - a sound I imagined was water rushing like a great waterfall. This delusion helped me keep the mood.

At around four grand, the Lifebook experience is not a middle class adventure. I considered myself privileged to experience it for free, and decided to make the most out of it. I put work aside and submerged myself in the experience.

I won't bore you with the details about the program here, but I will say it's markedly different from other personal development programs you may be familiar with. Instead of a Tony Robbins-like guru giving a pep talk, or some fancy new age way of thinking, it's a systematic process for evaluating your life across 12 different categories. A comprehensive life review, if you will.

At the end of the 4 day process, you come away with your Lifebook, which is a leather-bound guide to the person you smirk at in the mirror when you've had too much wine. That's right - it's the handbook to you. Your life. Your dreams. Your roadmap to success. Needless to say, everyone's Lifebook is different because it's written by you, for you. It's you giving yourself permission and instructions to do the things you were meant to do so you can achieve the things you want to achieve. Not earth-shattering stuff by any stretch, but an organized, helpful way to frame the life you have now so you can one day realize the life you WANT to have.

***

The biggest realization I made over that long weekend, and I did come to a number of realizations about my life, was that I lack vision. Always have. I don't plan for the future because I can't see it. I don't even try. I just go day to day reacting to whatever life throws my way. Sometimes life is good, and sometimes life sucks. But that's life, right?

I realized that I've managed success in large part because I'm a smart kid with a good work ethic. I catch on quick and I care what people think. I try. That made me the best cashier at the grocery store when I was 17. Made me the best bellhop at the Chancellor Hotel back in college. Made me the best, if only, copywriter in Champaign, Illinois after I graduated college. Made me a successful person at pretty much everything I've done, if an unfulfilled one.

It dawned on me that I wasn't working toward anything. I didn't have any goals. I just showed up for work every day and did my job. There was no game plan. No road map. Just the motions to go through. It was kind of depressing, actually.

So I began an exercise in self-reflection. I started thinking about who I am and what I bring to the world. What is my value? What do I enjoy more than anything? How would I spend my time contributing to the progress of society if salary weren't an issue? What's my talent? What's my gift?

I discovered that, by and large, my talents and gifts and contributions have been marginalized by the career I've chosen. Instead of doing what I enjoy - entertaining and enlightening with amusing essays, poignant observations, and insightful prose - I've been churning out marketing mumbo jumbo for corporate clients for over a decade! What a waste. And despite the successes I've enjoyed, I've been largely unsatisfied with what I do as a "professional."

So there I was stepping out of that 4-day seminar, which I'd only attended as a function of my job, realizing that I what I needed most in my life was a NEW one.

And so it begins, on page one of my Lifebook - the search for a better fit. And if I work as hard at that as I have the other jobs in my life - from grocery clerk to bellhop - I may just realize my true life potential.

One can hope, anyway.

ENDORSE MINTS FOR FRESH IDEAS

Whoever wrote this endorsement for the Missouri Post-Dispatch did a phenomenal job summing up our choices. There are some great lines in here that jam it home gently.

*******

Barack Obama for President
By Editorial Board of the Missouri Post Dispatch

Nine Days before the Feb. 5 presidential primaries in Missouri and Illinois, this
editorial page endorsed Barack Obama and John McCain in their respective races. We did so enthusiastically. We wrote that either Mr. Obama's message of hope or Mr. McCain's independence and integrity offered America the chance to turn the page on 28 years of contentious, greed-driven politics and move into a new era of possibility.

Over the past nine months, Mr. Obama, the junior senator from Illinois, has emerged as the only truly transformative candidate in the race. In the crucible that is a presidential campaign, his intellect, his temperament and equanimity under pressure consistently have been impressive. He has surrounded himself with smart, capable advisers who have helped him refine thorough, nuanced policy positions.

In a word, Mr. Obama has been presidential.

Meanwhile, Mr. McCain, the senior senator from Arizona, became the incredible shrinking man. He shrank from his principled stands in favor of a humane immigration policy. He shrank from his universal condemnation of torture and his condemnation of the politics of smear. He even shrank from his own campaign slogan,"County First," by selecting the least qualified running mate since the Swedenborgian shipbuilder Arthur Sewall ran as William Jennings Bryan's No. 2 in 1896.

In making political endorsements, this editorial page is guided first by the principles espoused by Joseph Pulitzer in The Post-Dispatch Platform printed daily at the top of this page. Then we consider questions of character, life experience and intellect, as well as specific policy and issue positions. Each member of the editorial board weighs in.

On all counts, the consensus was clear: Barack Obama of Illinois should be the next president of the United States. We didn't know nine months ago that before Election Day, America would face its greatest economic challenge since the Great Depression. The crisis on Wall Street is devastating, but it has offered voters a useful preview of how the two presidential candidates would respond to a crisis.

Very early on, Mr. Obama reached out to his impressive corps of economic advisers and developed a comprehensive set of recommendations for addressing the problems. He set them forth calmly and explained them carefully.

Mr. McCain, a longtime critic of government regulation, was late to recognize the threat. The chief economic adviser of his campaign initially was former Sen. Phil Gramm, R-Texas, who had been one of the architects of banking deregulation. When the credit markets imploded, Mr. McCain lurched from one ineffectual grandstand play to another. He squandered the one clear advantage he had over Mr. Obama: experience.

Mr. McCain first was elected to Congress in 1982 when Mr. Obama was in his senior year at Columbia University. Yet the younger man's intellectual curiosity and capacity (and, yes, also the skills he developed as a community organizer and his instincts as a political conciliator) more than compensate for his lack of more traditional Washington experience.

A presidency is defined less by what happens in the Oval Office than by what is done by the more than 3,000 men and women the president appoints to government office. Only 600 of them are subject to Senate approval. The rest serve at the pleasure of the president.

We have little doubt that Mr. Obama's appointees would bring a level of competence, compassion and intellectual achievement to the executive branch that hasn't been
seen since the New Frontier. He has energized a new generation of Americans who would put the concept of service back in 'public service.'

Consider that while Mr. McCain selected as his running mate Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, a callow and shrill partisan, Mr. Obama selected Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware. Mr. Biden's 35-year Senate career has given him encyclopedic expertise on legislative and judicial issues, as well as foreign affairs.

The idea that 3,000 bright, dedicated and accomplished Americans would be joining the Obama administration to serve the public (as opposed to padding their resume(c)s or shilling for the corporate interests they're sworn to oversee) is reassuring. That they would be serving a president who actually would listen to them is staggering.

And the fact that Mr. Obama can explain his thoughts and policies in language that can instruct and inspire is exciting. Eloquence isn't everything in a president, but it is not nothing, either. Experience aside, the 25-year difference in the ages of Mr. McCain, 72, and Mr. Obama, 47, is important largely because Mr. Obama's election would represent a generational shift. He would be the first chief executive in more than six decades whose world view was not formed, at least in part, by the Cold War or Vietnam.

He sees the complicated world as it is today, not as a binary division between us and them, but as a kaleidoscope of shifting alliances and interests. As he often notes, he is the son of a Kenyan father and a mother from Kansas, an internationalist who yet acknowledges that America is the only nation in the world in which someone of his distinctly modest background could rise as far as his talent, intellect and hard work would take him.

Given the damage that has been done to America's moral standing in the world in the last eight years (by a pre-emptive war, a unilateralist foreign policy and by policies that have treated both the Geneva Conventions and our own Bill of Rights as optional) Mr. Obama's election would help America reclaim the moral high ground.

It also must be said that Mr. Obama is right on the issues. He was right on the war in Iraq. He is right that all Americans deserve access to health care and right in his pragmatic approach to meeting that goal. He is right on tax policy, infrastructure investment, energy policy and environmental issues. He is right on American ideals.

He was right when he said in his remarkable speech in March in Philadelphia that "In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world's great religions demand: that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Let us be our brother's keeper, Scripture tells us. Let us be our sister's keeper. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well."

John McCain has served his country well, but in the end, he may have wanted the presidency a little too much, so much that he has sacrificed some of the principles that made him a heroic figure in war and in peace. In every way possible, he has earned the right to retire.

Finally, only at this late point do we note that Barack Obama is an African-American. Because of who he is and how he has run his campaign, that fact has become almost incidental to most Americans. Instead, his countrymen are weighing his talents, his values and his beliefs, judging him not by the color of his skin, but the content of his character.

That says something profound and good, about him as a candidate, and about us as a nation.

If the world could vote?

If the world could vote?

Posted using ShareThis

NEGATIVE ATTAX

Here's a handy tax calculator to help you combat the haters who claim Obama is going to raise your taxes. The fact is, for most of us, he's proposing a tax break. But don't take my word for it...see for yourself!

MONKEYING AROUND

Because everyone should see a monkey on a Segway. This is good shit.

PRESIDENT PALIN?

Here's a sneak preview of what'll be one catastrophic stroke away if the haters get their man.

ENJOY!

REDNECK FIRE ALARM

CHA-CHING!