People You Meet In Law School #14: Red

If you recall from the movie The Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman’s character, Red, was the guy to go to if you needed something. He knew everything about the prison and everyone in the prison. If you had a question about anything, you went to Red.

Not surprisingly, every law school has a Red. This is the person, often a girl, who seemingly knows anything and everything there is to know about the inner workings of the school. Need to know which of the computer people is the best to go to? Ask Red. Wondering what day the vending machines are restocked? Red knows. Curious as to how many kids one of the adjuncts has? Three, according to Red. What can 1500 Westlaw points buy you? Red can tell you without even looking. Who is the ultimate source of gossip about who got the best jobs and who got shut out? Red, of course.

How does Red know all this information? The answer is simple: She has no life away from the law school building. Why go home to an empty apartment when the law library is buzzing with life? Why go out to lunch when the Patent Law Society is serving free pizza? Why use their printer at home when you get 500 free pages from the computer lab? Red loves to hang around and acquire all this knowledge, in the hopes that it will come in handy some day. That day usually never comes, but Red nonetheless enjoys holding court over some wide-eyed 1Ls, explaining the ins and outs of how the law school works.

“If you have a class in room 103, sit on the left side. That way, if you have to leave for any reason, you can do so with minimal disruption...When you are selling back your books, go to the guy with a table in the Arby’s parking lot. He gave me $25 for my Property book, and the bookstore only offered $22…The best time to ask the registrar for anything is around 1pm, right after she gets back from lunch…If you see Professor Smith in the hall, wish him well. His wife just had gallbladder surgery."

Usually, these 1Ls eventually figure out that most of this information is worthless, save for one enthusiastic person who is hanging on every word like a young Andy Dufresne. This is the dawning of the next generation of Red.

Ironically, for as much as Red knows about the law school, her grades are not impressive. While Red spends most of her time at school, not too much of it is spent actually doing school work. This doesn’t bother Red, however. Red knows that no one is going to ask for her outline, but she takes solace in knowing that if anyone ever needs the names of the janitors, they are coming to her.

What becomes of Red after she graduates? Much like in the movie, Red becomes institutionalized. Law school is all she knew, and life on the outside is tough. Not to worry though. You can find Red at a law office near you, telling anyone who will listen what the best time is to get coffee, who the best copy room employee is, and which partners are sleeping with what secretaries.

Bad Reason for Attending Law School # 3

"I want to work in a genteel profession"

People who use this reason probably don’t use the word ‘genteel’ but they definitely know what they don’t like: the prospect of a career in corporate America. They’d prefer to replace cubicle walls with oak bookshelves; coworkers with co-counselors; and TPS reports with memorandums.

You'll often find these people in Sports, Art, or Philanthropy Law classes, desperately hoping that there is a viable field more exciting than Corporate tax and less tragic than family law.

Some people imagine the profession of the law as being more of a gentleman’s club than a business, where problems are solved over cigars, brandy, and a game of backgammon while you just happen to get issued a check at the end of the month. Budgets, margins, productivity are just buzzwords for all those other jobs where it’s just “time to make the donuts”. The law, after all, is about pursuing noble goals, preserving sacred traditions, and inching us closer to a better society.

Guess what, Superman, the legal profession is not about “truth, justice, and the American way”. The legal profession is very much a business.

Corporate America may seem to be a bunch of mindless yes men who zealously defend their superiors’ and clients’ policies without regard to morality so long as their bonus is still promised. The legal profession is very different…they actually make you take an oath promising that you’ll zealously defend their clients without regard to personal morality or financial remuneration.

Corporate America constantly divides labor into salesmen, technicians, managers, etc, alienating the worker from the final product. The legal profession doesn’t subdivide tasks, however. Lawyers have to do all those jobs, find clients, do the legal research, manage cases, etc. After all this work, the only thing lawyers get alienated from is their families.

In corporate America you’ll be just some cog in capitalistic machine like other businessmen or women. In the legal profession you’ll at least be a name and maybe that name will even end up on the firm’s letterhead. This has got to count for something, to not be reduced to just a number. Doesn’t it?....It all depends on your total billable hours that year.

Graduation FAQs

Q: So Mike, are you looking forward to graduation?
A: I am looking forward to being done with law school but I am not looking forward to graduation, mainly because I will not be attending graduation.

Q: What? Not attending graduation? Why not?!?!?!?!
A: Because I don’t want to. Law school was not fun for me. Why would I want to celebrate it’s conclusion by attending a school sponsored function? Besides, I live my life by a few rules, and one of them is: Never attend any function where the required wardrobe cannot be used for any other function. And since a cap and gown looks ridiculous even at graduation, I clearly am not going to violate this rule.

Q: But won’t your family want to go? My family would kill me if I didn't go.
A: I told them when and where it is being held, and that they are welcome to attend. But I won’t be there. I didn’t attend my college graduation either. I don’t like stuff like this, and my family knows how I am. They begrudgingly accept it. And if you can't persuade your family that graduation isn't something you want to do, you should really question the value of the diploma.

Q: Come on, why are you being like this? Just go to graduation! This is a big event in your life!
A: For some people it might be a big event, but not for me. To me, graduating law school is nothing special. Look at some of the people who become lawyers. When I started, I fully intended to graduate. This isn’t some momentous occasion where I want to celebrate my accomplishments in the face of all the adversity I faced and the obstacles I overcame. (Note: By “adversity”, I mean “classes before 10:30am” and by “obstacles” I mean “the stairs in front of my school.”)

Q: Okay fine, but shouldn’t you still go, even if you don’t like it? It’s a milestone if nothing else.
A: What a way to celebrate a milestone. You sit uncomfortably in a gymnasium while the Dean tells you how proud he is, followed by an Appeals Court Judge telling you how proud he is, followed by another Dean telling how proud she is, and then you are herded like cattle to walk across stage and receive a fake diploma to a smattering of applause. Then you sit back down, wait for it to end, throw a hat in the air and take awkward pictures with your family. Is that any way to celebrate a milestone?

Q: Is there any situation in which you would attend graduation?
A: Yes, one. I would go if beforehand I could gather up the townspeople to come attend the ceremony, so that they could boo the new graduates and the fact that there are now 150 more lawyers in an already saturated market. And possibly throw tomatoes. Yes, I would absolutely go if that happened.

Recent Exchange

Mike: This sounds weird, but I kind of want to get a C in at least one class this semester, because I seriously haven't done shit. I haven't ever read for Crim Pro, I haven't even been to Securities Regulations since late January, and I stopped reading for Advanced Crim around Valentine's Day. The only class I read for with any regularity is Entertainment Law. If I can skate by with B's or better again, then something is seriously wrong with the system.

Russ: You should issue a challenge to the law school, like a villain in James Bond, stroking a cat in a leather chair and clucking, "That's right Dean Bond. In one of these scantron's are the answers of a student who has not read one page. Can you find it? Or will you give me another B and prove the futility of your career. Muhahaha."

Bad Reason for Attending Law School #2

“I have a worthless undergraduate degree”

College Senior #1: Hey man, what are you doing after you graduate?

College Senior #2: I am going to be working as a CPA, you?

College Senior #1: I don’t know yet, I went to the career fair last week and there weren’t very many booths that were looking for an English major with a Poly Sci minor.

College Senior #2: Sorry to hear that. Who would have thought that a guy with a 3.3 and a humanities degree from Big State U. would have so few options?

College Senior #1: I know…I really wish I had picked a practical major, like business or engineering. But they told me that with a humanities degree, I could do anything.

College Senior #2: Well, they were correct, sort of. In theory, you can do anything with any degree, but you have to get that degree from a really good school, or if not, you have to be really exceptional, which you, my friend, are not. No offense.

College Senior #1: None taken….Hey! I just had an idea! I should go to law school!

College Senior #2: Hmm…do you want to be a lawyer? Does that interest you?

College Senior #1: Sure, why not? How bad could it be? They take people with any educational background.

College Senior #2: That’s true, but do you want to be a lawyer? Do you know what law school is like and what it entails?

College Senior #1: What’s to know? Instead of going out in the real world and trying to find a job that interests me, and work really hard to get to where I want to be in life, I’ll go to law school, get a great job and make tons of money, and live it up with my “worthless” degree.

College Senior #2: Let me get this straight...A guy who hasn't done well enough in undergrad to make himself employable in any field except for sales thinks he is going to go to law school, a very competitive and rigorous program of study, and come out on top with one of the relatively few high paying jobs?

College Senior #1: Yeah....What could possibly go wrong?

People You Meet In Law School # 13: Lucy

Lots of people in law school like to argue, take charge, and think less of others. While these qualities may seem, on the surface, masculine, they are in fact found in abundance among women in law school. These law students are the Lucys, who much like their Peanuts inspired namesake, are the alpha females of law school.

Lucy realized a long time ago that being cutesy, prissy, or precious like other women was just beating around the bush. Don’t get me wrong, Lucy isn’t masculine (that’s Patty and Marci’s department) she just has no patience for the dizzy blonde Sallys of the world who pine over “sweet baboos.” When Lucy wants something, she asks for it. She doesn’t pout, she complains. She doesn’t hope, she achieves.

Lucy’s self-confident, cool-under-pressure attitude led lots of people to tell her “you should be an actress” or, if she wasn’t that attractive, “you should be a lawyer.”

And many Lucys do go to law school. They approach it with the same attitude they approach everything, with gusto. In Lucy’s opinion, unfairness exists in the world perpetuated by “blockheads” and no “security blanket” is going to help. Lucy is ready to argue for what’s right, in class and out.

Lucy actually enjoys the Socratic method. The process of leading someone down a logical path only to undermine their argument with a final “Yes. But what if…” is the graduate school equivalent of pulling a football out from someone right before they kick it.

For all Lucy’s gumption, romance sometimes eludes her. Men often can be turned off by a strong woman. Men often prefer women in an impersonal, idealized form, like the little red headed girl. After all, who wants their head bitten off every time they ask a question or to be charged 5 cents for advice.

Lucy probably doesn’t want her relationships to be the debating society her life is, so don’t be surprised if you see her with a more quiet, soulful, and artistic Schroeder type.

We don’t need any further evidence that we live in a sexist society other than the fact that Lucy is considered an exception based on her gender. If she’s on your side, you’re likely to say “she’s a real firecracker” or “she’s all business”. and if she’s against you you’re, liable to think (if not say), "she’s a bitch."

Bad Reasons for Attending Law School

The decision to attend law school is not one to be taken lightly. After all, we are talking about three years of your life, tens (if not hundreds) of thousands of dollars, and the surrendering of your dignity as you agree to follow a set of rules more apt for 10th-graders

Not surprisingly, many people who make this decision come to regret it at some point in their lives. The reasons for this regret are varied, but have one overriding theme: Their expectations for attending law school have not been met.

Everyone goes to law school for a reason. Unfortunately, many of the reasons people give for attending law school are the source of their disappointment. So as a service to the prospective law students out there, we decided to run through some of these bad reasons that people have in the hopes that you will save your time, money, and dignity.

But before I get to the bad reasons, let me first give you the good reason. (Yes, I said the good reason, implying there is only one.) If you can say the following sentences with a straight face, go to law school, and I wish you the best of luck.

“I am genuinely interested in the law and I have a sincere desire to become an attorney and practice law. I have come to this conclusion by thoroughly researching what law school and working as an attorney entails.”

If that isn’t you, then your reasons for attending law school are probably built on faulty logic or misinformation. I have heard many bad reasons that people give for attending law school. Thus:

Bad Reason for Attending Law School #1:

“I don’t plan on ever practicing law, but having a JD looks good, right?”

Wrong.

A JD looks good? Where? Over your desk? Well a Picasso would look good there too and you could probably afford one for the price of a JD.

Well, let me qualify that. You are correct in saying that a JD looks good, but if you know from the outset that you don’t want to practice law, then why bother? Lots of people get a JD and at some point, whether it be while they are still in school or after ten years of practice, decide that they don’t want to be an attorney. But if you know this before you even attend a law school class, save yourself the hassle and move on.

If you still don’t believe me, then read the following sentences:

“I don’t ever plan on practicing medicine, but having an MD looks good, right?”

“I don’t ever plan on believing in God, but having a Theology degree looks good, right?”

“I don’t ever plan on working at Starbucks, but having a PhD in Philosophy looks good, right?”

See what I mean. If you already know you aren’t going to use it, then there shouldn’t be a decision to make. You gotta trust me on this.

One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of our blog. People always ask how and why we started blogging, so for this special occasion, I'll tell you.

If it isn't clear from reading, Russ and I attend different schools. We are friends from undergrad, and we both entered law school at the same time. Our entire first year and up until this time last year, we used to email back and forth, making fun of the various aspects of law school. A few times, Russ suggested we start putting these observations on a blog. I didn't know what a blog was, so I let it go in one ear and out the other.

Then one day I went to meet with our career services guy about my summer employment situation. Natually, it was not at all helpful, and I was frustrated. So I sent Russ an email to vent my frustrations. This email was my version of a career services guy working for the Sopranos. Russ emailed me back saying "That's it, we are starting a blog and putting all this stuff up there." An hour later, I had an invitation to join "Barely Legal: The Blog", and he had made my Sopranos email the first post. So without further ado, and because I am lazy, here is that first post.


Exerpt from the script of the premiere of next season of the Sopranos...

[Scene: Upstairs at the Bada Bing; Pauly and Silvio are playing pool, Tony is at his desk, and has just gotten off the phone.]

Silvio: Who was that, Ton?

Tony: My cousin Bobby. He is back in town and wants to get back into the business.

Pauly: Bobby...Was he the one who got busted for the bank job in '89?

Tony: No, Bobby used to run with me and Silv when we were teenagers, but then he went straight and put himself through law school. He spent the last few years working as a career advisor or something. Anyway, he's a smart guy and could really help us out.

Silvio: What are you going to have him do?

Tony: You know that kid Vinny who has been doing odd jobs for us? Well, I think he's ready to get out there and start earning. I'm going to have Bobby show him the ropes.

Silvio: You think thats smart? Bobby hasn't been in the game for a while...

Tony: Hey, Bobby is a bright guy, and he knows what to do.

[Scene]

[Cut to: Bobby (played by Alec Baldwin) and Vinny sitting in Bobby's car]

Bobby: Okay kid, you are getting promoted to street soldier. No more shit jobs for you, eh...(laughs)

Vinny: I guess, so what do you want me to do?

Bobby: Well kid, you need to start earning. You got to get your name out there, offering protection to businesses and such, in exchange for a piece of their profits.

Vinny: Sounds good, tell me who to collect from.

Bobby: Whoa, not so fast...You got to get your own clients. I mean, I have a few guys who have asked us for help, but those jobs typically go to more experienced guys. You need to get your name out there.

Vinny: How?

Bobby: I suggest you get a list of local merchants and write them letters. Let them know who you are, what you want to do, what you can do for them, and how much your services cost.

Vinny: Really? Letters? How many?

Bobby: The more the better. You might send out hundreds, but it only takes one positive response to get you started earning. Be creative. Ask your parents if they have any friends who need protection. Use your connections. Remember, you aren't the only kid looking to get started with this business. You have to work at it.

Vinny: Anything else you can tell me?

Bobby: Well, I can give you the names of some former guys starting out who have since been promoted. They might have some ideas.

Vinny: Sounds great, Bobby. Thanks.

Bobby: You bet kid, now get out there and earn!

[scene]

George

I was recently talking with a perpetually single female friend of mine, when she suddenly blurted out, "I hope one day I can find my George."

"What are you even talking about?" I asked.

"You know, the guy from Grey's Anatomy," she replied.

"That's like the tenth time I heard some girl say that. There are tons of Georges out there, except in real life, George actually looks like George Wendt. You see some nice, sweet, caring guy on TV and think he's just perfect for you. In reality, you see some attractive doctor with floppy hair and dimples, and doesn't act like a total ass like all the other men on that show, and get all gaga over him. Guess what? The George you want doesn't exist."

Undeterred by my little speech, my friend said, "That may be true, but I wouldn't mind having Doctor McDreamy either."

I relayed this story to Russ, who said, "Knowing her, she'll have to settle for Plumber McSleazy."

JD/MBA

Some things just seem to go together: chocolate and peanut butter, peanut butter and jelly, or pretty much anything and peanut butter. Some things, however, are foisted together for no apparent reason, like the JD/MBA. Or as I like to call it: Dumb and Dumber.

An MBA is basically a brief crash course in Business Administration. Some of you will remember Business Administration as the third most popular major offered on DeVry’s late night TV commercials, after Air Conditioning Repair and Massage Therapy.

When an attorney needs information about a subject matter, let’s say business administration, they don’t go out and get a degree in it. The attorney hires an expert. The attorney then interviews the expert and if they need to communicate that expert’s opinions they use them as an expert witness. You may have seen it done on TV about a million times.

I imagine most JD/MBA interviews go like this:

JD/MBA: Not only can I practice law for your company but I also can balance books, project your finances and manage your people.

Employer: Actually, you’ll be busy with legal work for 70 hours a week like all other JDs, so you wouldn’t have time to do any of that other stuff even if I wanted you to.

JD/MBA: So, I just wasted another year of my life and $50,000 for nothing?

Employer: Yes. It would seem those financial projection skills you learned leave a lot to be desired.

The thing I dislike most about JD/MBA programs is that the pairing really points out how a JD is not a real doctorate program. Even though evidence teaches us otherwise, guilt by association is real and we will all be victims of it.

Let’s face it, JD/MBA programs are just a scam to squeeze more money out of students. I won’t be surprised if they start offering JD/MBA/Magic-Bean-Purchasing-Agent degrees.

People You Meet in Law School #12: The Ex-Cop

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders.

However, some cops don’t see these groups as being equal at all. Sick of smug district attorneys making demands on their time, and tired of slick defense attorneys making them look foolish on the stand, some cops decide that if they can’t beat them, why not join them, and head off to law school.

The Ex-Cop’s adjustment to law school is sometimes a difficult one. At their old job, they were taught to see the world in black and white, while law school is one giant shade of gray. They abhor the fact that “maybe” is, at its essence, the correct answer for nearly every question in every class. The Ex-Cop usually regrets their decision early on, watching longingly as he sees a former colleague bully a 19-year old girl into admitting that she did, in fact, roll through a stop sign.

But the Ex-Cop will soon find a place where he excels: Criminal law. In crim, the Ex-Cop will sit front row center, a smug look on his face because he saw it all in his six years walking the beat in an affluent suburb. He is never afraid to add his two-cents to the conversation, or start a debate with the professor. “Let me tell you what it’s like out in the field,” he’ll say, as a black classmate shakes his head disapprovingly.

In all fairness, however, the Ex-Cop has one thing that 95% of other law students do not have: Real world experience. While the only time that Mr. Future Litigator had seen the inside of a courtroom when he came to law school was on a 6th-grade fieldtrip, the Ex-Cop knows how the real world of criminal justice works before he ever reads a case, and undoubtedly that is a huge advantage.

I think I should wrap this up, lest I further offend a group of people trained in hand-to-hand combat and who may or may not still own a taser. But one more thing, Ex-Cop: Please, shave the mustache.

To the driver...

...who decided to unexpectedly slam on your brakes while traveling at 40 miles per hour, forcing me to slam on my brakes and nearly skid into you: I know your intentions were good. I am sure you were just trying to be a good driver and obey the rules of the road. And yes, I know that you are supposed to pull over and yield to emergency vehicles. But I am fairly certain that when you are traveling in the northbound lane, you don’t have to pull over and yield to an emergency vehicle traveling in the southbound lane when the lanes are divided by a ten foot wide raised median, filled with trees and shrubs and flowerbeds. You see, that large, plant-infested median would make it quite difficult for the fire truck to cross over into your lane, necessitating you to yield. Please be more aware next time.

Thankful to be alive,

Mike

A Message From Career Services

We at Career Services would like to send out consolations to all the 3Ls who remain uncommitted to an employer at this stage of the semester.

We would like to remind you that the Juneau Alaska Public Defender’s office still has an opening this fall. This is a fantastic opportunity, people! The pay may be modest, but after a few years you’ll be experienced enough defend moose poaching cases privately.

While it is disheartening that there are more applicants than positions available, you must keep in mind that you have spent the last three years in one of the most rigorous graduate programs available. You can use the skills you learned here in any employment you find, legal or not. For example:

**Lots of legal issues out there remain unresolved. Is the flurry of contracting in today’s business community creating more employees with all the requisite worker’s compensation and OSHA regulations or is it creating Posner’s nimbly efficient labor market? The law doesn’t have to be just theoretical anymore. As a day laborer, you can get hands on experience with this and other legal issues (matriculation in Immigration Law preferred. Se habla, por favor)

**Gentlemen, draw up your own release of custody agreements when you donate your 1400+ SAT score sperm to lesbian couples. Remember, this isn’t the character and fitness bar so feel free to throw a few more inches on your height during the application process. It’s a buyer’s market out there.

**Those latin phrases we taught you won’t go to waste. Your knowledge of root words will keep you sharp. You’ll know right away that when you serve the Venti coffee at Starbucks that “Venti” actually refers to the number of ounces (20) and is not Italian for extra large like Thad, your art school student coworker, says.

Due to the massive increase in as-of-yet-unemployed law students our own Career Services office will be hiring. An Anne Frank-esque attitude of optimism in the face overwhelming hopelessness is required, but you'll be able to afford more than an attic on a Law School salary. Come join the team! If you can't be invited to OCI, you can at least schedule it.

Have You Hugged Your Gunner Today?

I received an IM the other day from a reader who had a post suggestion. “Why haven’t you done a whole post devoted to ripping apart gunners,” the reader asked. Sure, we have taken little jabs here and there, but the reader is right; we haven’t done a whole post about gunners. There are two reasons for this: The first reason is that it’s such an easy target, what else can possibly be said on the topic. And the second reason may surprise you, especially coming from me, but I like gunners.

Before you faint or close the browser, thinking I’ve gone crazy or soft or both, hear me out. Gunners serve a purpose within the law school ecosystem. Just think, where we would be without gunners?

When you are called on and you are not prepared, who raises their hand to take the heat off of you? A gunner does, that’s who.

When the professor asks a question of the class, who volunteers and keeps you from having to answer? That’s right, a gunner.

Are old outlines passed around your school, outlines so immaculate and stunning that it seems as if Gilbert himself did them? If so, I bet a gunner made it.

If you’re like me, you like to sit in the back row. Gunners faithfully fill in those seats in the first few rows, leaving me with more seating options.

On those days where everyone skips, someone has to show up to class. And gunners will be there, rain or shine.

If you forgot what the assignment was, who else can you ask that will know off the top of their head? I know someone who does.

When someone is breaking the honor code, are you going to report them? I'm not going to, but somebody has to.

Do you want to find a graduation speaker, arrange for a federal judge to come and talk about the death penalty, or be the one to order the pizza for a club to eat at lunch? I sure don’t.

And that law review isn’t going to edit itself, is it?

You see, you may not like gunners, but you need gunners. They make the law school world go round. So the next time you see your local gunner, don’t pretend not to see him and then crack a joke at his expense; go up and give him a hug and thank him for making your path through law school just a little bit easier. And maybe, just maybe, if you’re lucky, he won’t file battery charges against you.

Random Thoughts From the Weekend

First off, this is something that I have been asking since I was a little kid, and this weekend I was reminded of it yet again because both teams were in the tournament. Why do we pronounce Kansas as we do, but pronounce Arkansas ‘Arkansaw’? Shouldn’t it be pronounced ‘Ar-(and the way we pronounce ‘Kansas’)? Alternatively, couldn’t we pronounce Kansas ‘Kansaw’? I am not proposing we change anything here; I just want an explanation. Yes, I really do think of these things.

You know what commercial bugs me to no end? Those Cingular commercials where one guy has a Cingular and the other guy doesn’t, and the Cingular guy is a total asshole to his non-Cingular buddy. Okay man, we get it, you have a better cell phone, you don’t have to be such a cock about it.

Thursday and Friday, people keep asking me, “What are your plans for St. Patty’s Day?” And my response was always the same: Nothing. Look, I like drinking and debauchery as much as the next guy, but St. Patrick’s Day annoys me to no end. Everyplace you go is crowded with drunken assholes. Now that’s all well and good, but on St. Patrick’s Day, at least half of those drunken assholes will be wearing leprechaun’s hats. I don’t know what it is, but that puts me over the edge, and as a result, I boycott the entire day.

Last week the check engine light in my car came on. Since I’m not a car guy, I called the only car guy I know, Brett from Blafayette. I told him the light was on, so he asked if I had checked my engine. I told him I had, and he asked what I saw. “I don’t know,” I told him. “I opened the hood and looked at it. I didn’t see any big open areas where a part should be, nor did I see anything obviously wrong, like a stick jammed in the motor. Beyond that, I’m clueless.” Which leads me to the question, if my care can sense that there is a problem, why can’t it go the extra step and give me a hint? Why can’t I have a light that says “CHECK ENGINE (HINT-IT’S A PROBLEM WITH YOUR FUEL INJECTOR)?

Quote of the weekend comes from Russ. Our esteemed undergraduate school is one of the Cinderella teams still alive in the tournament. Russ doesn’t really follow college basketball, so towards the end of the game, when our team was about to win, I IMed him and told him to put on CBS. He saw the score and said “I never stopped believing in them in the five years since I graduated and completely forgot they had a basketball team.”

I really hate Duke, and I am starting to hate Gonzaga, but I am sort of rooting for both of them to make it to the Final Four so they can play in the ultimate grudge match to determine who has more dorky looking white guys. JJ Redick gets a lot of heat, and in my opinion, Adam Morrison doesn’t get nearly as much as he deserves. Is there any doubt that this guy is a complete douchebag?

And finally, I caught that new NBC show about young prosecutors, ‘Conviction’. It’s alright, nothing special, similar to the law part of ‘Law & Order’. Two of the actors stuck out to me. First, excellent job of casting this guy. Does he not look like someone you know from school? Maybe he’s sitting in your classroom right now. Maybe you’re sitting next to him. Maybe it’s you. Anyway, this guy is the epitome of what I think a smug young lawyer looks like. So great job by the casting director. On the other hand, I had been watching the show for a half hour before I realized that this guy was a lawyer, not a defendant. Does he look like any lawyer you know? I swear I thought he was on trial, not conducting the trial. He looks like a huge sleaze ball, maybe a drug dealer or date rapist, or both. Anyway, it’s an okay show, I doubt I’ll plan on watching it again, but if I am flipping around and it’s on, I’ll watch.

A Reckoning

Recently, an old undergrad professor of mine was a speaker on a panel at my law school. I attended the panel's presentation and when question and answer time came I raised my hand.

"Prof. (blank), You taught me business law at (my undergrad) in 2000. You're a big part of the reason I went to law school." I said.

The professor beamed at the idea of having shaped a young life until I followed up with, "Yeah, well, I think you owe me seventy five grand."

Everyone laughed.

Except me.

Teaching Tolerance

The summer before my senior year of high school, I worked on a ride at a huge amusement park. There were plenty of bad aspects to this job, but the absolute worst was the day in, day out interactions with the customers.

One day, I was working to help people get secured in the ride when I saw a guy wearing a ‘No Fear’ hat. Except this wasn’t a normal ‘No Fear’ hat, because he had removed the ‘F’ and replaced it with ‘Qu’, and at the end, added an ‘s’. Yeah, real classy.

“You know,” I said to him, “Queer is spelled q-u-e-e-r, not q-u-e-a-r.”

He looked at me, dip running down his chin and dripping onto his tank top. “That’s something only a queer would know,” he snarled at me.

“Queers, and people with a fifth-grade education,” I replied.

What was his response? Let’s just say I’m glad he was already strapped into the ride.

Now I've Seen Everything

Today I saw a cross with a crown of thorns tattooed on the small of a young woman's back (that's two inches above the ass crack for those not familiar with anatomy).

It achieved its desired effect. When I saw it, I said, "Oh Jesus."

SBA Elections

It's SBA election time, so my hallowed law school is now covered with posters for candidates. Do these posters outline policy points? Do they list resumes of accomplishment? No. They are bubble shaped letters covered in glitter of the names of the candidates. That's it.

To me, this is a tacit acknowledgement by the candidates that this election is nothing more than a popularity contest. I'm not against being friendly and well liked, but can't you acknowledge that you are those things without an election? At our age, I should hope so.

I think it's safe to say that the use of high school graphic arts points us to the source of this need for acknowledgement-high school. Let's be honest: We're law students so we were nerds in high school. Don't be ashamed. That's what got us here today. After all, what's the point of achieving any success if you already attained the adulation of your peers at age 16?

My too-cool-for-school girlfriend said it best when I told her that my ex-girlfriend used to watch the WB show "Popular," "Nobody who was popular would ever watch a show about being popular."

So when I vote (and I won't), I'll hope that the cowering wedgie victim that lurks inside every SBA candidate will finally find some peace once they're fulfilling their duties as Treasurer or Secretary.

Shabbat Shalom

Friend: I was hanging out with Ari, the guy down the hall, this Saturday. We ordered Chinese food and when it came he said, "I can't pay for it today. I'm not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. Can you take care of it?" Then when I was getting ready to leave he asked me to turn off all the lights for him.

Russ: I see. Sounds like you're his "shabbos goy". Orthodox Jews will sometimes arrange for a gentile to take care of their incidentals on the Sabbath.

Friend: I'm glad to do it, I guess. But, it kind of snuck up on me. Do midgets invite people over to visit when they need stuff on the top shelf?

Russ: If I was you, I'd think of yourself as a ringer he's called in against the Torah. Everyone likes a ringer, except the other team, which in this case is 2000 years of rabbinical tradition.

For the Undergrads

Not surprisingly, we are read by a fair amount of undergraduates who have law school in their sights. They ask us all sorts of questions, but the most common one is: Is law school really as bad as you say it is?

My best answer is: I guess that depends on your perspective. It’s safe to say that everyone in this world can be classified by which character from Saved by the Bell that they are.

Zack Morris: Smart, mischievous, and apathetic, Zacks are a dime-a-dozen on college campuses, and inevitably, a few of them will head on to law school. Unfortunately, Zacks find law school to be boring and pretentious, and their antics aren’t appreciated nearly as much as they used to be. Zack will probably do decently well in law school, but he won’t enjoy it. Job Prospects: Zack will do best as a litigator, and will likely start his own firm within a few years. He may throw aside his law degree and use his charm to find something he likes better.

AC Slater: Cocky and motivated, but not gifted academically. Surprisingly, Slaters are not uncommon in law school despite their mental shortcomings. Slater loves discipline and rigidity, and law school has that in heaping portions. Slater will never be at the top of his class, but he might be near it, and he is smart enough to know his role and his limitations. Because of this, Slater will see law school as a positive experience. Job Prospects: Surprisingly good, since lawyers like conformists. Prosecutor, or possibly big firm yes-man with no chance of getting on the partnership track.

Screech Powers: Intelligent, but nerdy and lacking social skills. Naturally, you find a fair amount of Screechs in law school. Screech enjoys the intellectual challenge of law school, and for the first time in his life, he will be part of a large social circle, if only because there are so many other Screechs to relate to, and will have more fun than he ever has before. Screech will succeed academically, but his inability to relate to non-Screechs will limit his options. Job Prospects: Patent law or tax law or transactional law, where his nerdiness is a virtue.

Kelly Kapowski: Kelly is motivated and bubbly, and while not always the smartest person in law school, she usually exceeds expectations. Kelly will use her positive attitude to make the best of the situation, by frequenting social events and joining law school clubs and working hard to do as well as she can. Job Prospects: Will hinge directly on how bubbly her personality is in comparison to her grades. Possibly in a big firm, more likely working in public interest.

Jesse Spano: Brainy and outspoken, Jesses are the most common type of law school student. Both men and women can be named Jesse, which is fitting, since Jesses can be either gender in law school. Jesse loves to learn and challenge herself, which is admirable. However, Jesse can’t accept people who disagree with her or have a different outlook on life. Accordingly, Jesse will be confined to hanging out with fellow Jesses as she looks down her nose at her non-Jesse brethren. Job Prospects: Judicial Clerkship followed by the partnership track at a large firm.

Lisa Turtle: Shallow and materialistic, Lisa’s presence in law school is somewhat of a mystery. She dresses well and is always presentable, but hates being there because “there are lots of ugly people.” Lisa may or may not do well academically, but it doesn’t matter, because she is bitter about being there in the first place. She often contemplates dropping out, and secretly hopes to meet a recent grad with a nice paying job who will save her from this academic nightmare. Job Prospects: They will be slim, but luckily, she usually lands a husband before law school is over.

If you are considering law school, but aren’t really sure what to believe when you hear about what it is really like, figure out who you are and you’ll have your answer. If you have any more questions, meet me at The Max and we’ll talk about it over cheeseburgers and milkshakes while our waiter does some magic tricks.

Random Rant #8

I remember it vividly. It was a Monday morning, about six weeks into the start of my first semester of law school. I was counting down the seconds until my class was over. The professor began wrapping up his lecture when he uttered six words that I had come to love during my undergraduate years: “On Wednesday, class will be cancelled.” The students in the classroom, myself included, all gasped and subtly cheered in delight, happy to get any sort of break from the monotony and predictability of our schedule. Then, just as our balloon had been inflated, our professor unexpectedly and cruelly stuck a needle into it. “We will have a make-up class Friday morning at 8am.”

What? Make-up class? Whoever heard of such a ridiculous thing? Why the hell would we make up a class? This isn’t baseball, where a rainout results in a doubleheader at some point later in the season. During undergrad, a cancelled class meant a respite from class that day. Chalk it up to fate, bad scheduling, or good luck, but a cancelled class was a sacred occasion to be cherished and spent however you wanted. However, law school has managed to suck the fun out of being a student just a little bit more by taking this away from us too.

If a law professor can’t make it to a particular class, in my mind, he or she has three options:

1) Just let it go. Give us a break. We can do without your infinite wisdom for a day.

2) If you must hold a make-up class, it should be completely and totally 100% optional.

3) Lets throw it back to the high school days and bring in a substitute teacher who we can abuse and ignore until she just gives up and lets us run wild for the hour while she sits quietly in the corner, looking at her watch. Now this is a class I'd actually enjoy attending.

Now, at this point, I must make a confession. I have never actually attended a make-up class. I refuse to. The very principle of it is laughable to me. My schedule says that I have a class on certain days at a certain time. That time is law school time. (Note: I know that I skip a lot of classes. But I go to more than I skip, thanks to our attendance policy. So save your skepticism.) Time that class is not scheduled is Mike time. When I miss class, I miss it. I don’t expect the professor to come teach me at a time more convenient to my schedule. I only wish they gave their students the same courtesy.

Special Ed

My elementery school had a good special education program. As a part of this program, the special ed kids went to regular classes for a few hours a day. However, while the rest of us learned, the special ed kids just colored or did word finds or played with construction paper. If the kid was good and didn't disrupt the rest of the class from their normal learning, he got a gold star.

A few weeks ago, a professor scolded me for not being prepared. I was completely unfazed by this. I felt not surprise, embarassment, or regret. In fact, I didn't even look up from my IM conversation. He might as well have just told me that I was wearing a blue shirt. Being unprepared is such a common occurance for me that he was just stating the obvious. It now occurs to me that I am the law school equivalent of the special ed kid in my elementery school classes, although my impairment is not cognitive, it's motivational.

You see, a second semester 3L is different from other law students. Whatever motivation he or she once had is all but gone. For those of us who didn't have much motivation to begin with, this semester is even more excruciating. So why are professors continuing to treat us like normal law students? All of my classes have eager and ambitious 2Ls in them. They are prepared and ready to speak. They went to the trouble of reading, why not let them flex their intellectual muscles.

Thomas Jefferson once said, "There is nothing more unequal than the equal treatment of unequal people." Would it have been fair to ask the special ed kid to do the same spelling exercises or fraction problems as the rest of the class? Of course not. So why do professors expect the same work ethic from 3Ls as they do from 2Ls? If you are going to require my presence, then at least just let me sit there quietly, play with my coloring book, and if I behave, give me a gold star. We'll all be better off if you do.

Recent Exchange

Mike: I dove into my girlfriend's pool and landed on my ear and have since have lost most of my hearing in that ear. The doctor says it's a perforated eardrum.

Russ: Will it heal?

Mike: Yeah, I just need to give it time.

Russ: That would suck if you went deaf. You'd have to tell people, "The last thing I ever heard was 'Olly Olly Oxenfree.'"

Feminism

I'm sure a lot of you out there are familiar with the conundrum of the modern feminist experience: the more successful a woman is --> the smaller her dating pool is --> the less likely she is to find a man --> which for many women is also a strong element of success --> which makes the point of being a feminist (read: successful woman) moot.

If that was too complicated, just watch any "Sex and the City" episode and that should get you up to speed.

Maureen Dowd even wrote a book about how feminism is undoing itself because many modern women would prefer the 1950's status quo.

More importantly, why am I at all interested in feminism at all?

Here is the source of my morbid fascination with feminism...

My mother was in all sorts of female empowerment groups in the early 70s. She was an Indian Health Nurse (the only health care on an entire reservation) when she was 22 where she would explain to Indian women in Cree that they didn't have to be just squaws and that they should start practicing birth control and take control of their lives. While this makes for an interesting woman, it also makes for a bizarre mother. When I was 12, I remember calling a woman a "chick" and getting a stern lecture from my mother about the equality of the sexes.

Then my mother stopped working for the government and opened up her own business. Slowly, government bureaucracy and shiftless employees drove her to the brink of madness. That's right, she began listening to conservative talk radio. She claimed to be older and wiser but crazy things would come out of her mouth like, "How would you like to have been adopted by a couple of homosexuals. That should be illegal." Now, instead of getting lectures about women's equality I have to listen to, "You better do right by that girl. A woman has to depend on a man," and "A man's life is empty without the direction a woman provides from the home." The woman who once rode in an elevator with the prime minister of Canada and lectured him about women's rights would now prefer to listening to her idol, Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

Someone needs to tell Maureen Dowd that feminism has already come full circle. It has a perm, a dog named "Princess" and three boys, one of whom has a blog.

Seinfeld

It shouldn't be a surprise that the guys who categorized law students as the canary, the philosopher, the federline, etc, also love a show where the characters classify everyone, the closetalker, the soup nazi, the virgin, etc.

Seinfeld is great exploration and analysis of subtle issues that we deal with in everyday life, like who paid for the big salad. You'd think this is how the law would work. But, sadly the law is as humorless as the time Jerry stopped being funny for an episode so George's date would think he was the funny one.

To prove that the law is inherently humorless, I detailed below what would happen if the Seinfeld Foursome: Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine, had a fifth friend who was a lawyer.

Jerry: I'm the master of my domain! You owe me $100 dollars.

Lawyer Friend: Jerry, an oral contract based entirely on euphemisms wouldn't stand up in court. I'm not paying.

---------

Elaine: She couldn't spare a square!

Lawyer Friend: It was public property! But that opens up a lot of 'the tragedy of the commons' issues.

----------

Jerry: I dropped a junior mint in the man during open heart surgery.

George: Then I bought up all his paintings, hoping he'd die so I'd make a fortune.

Lawyer Friend: A junior mint? That's malum in se. George's profiteering is likely to be used in the remedial analysis as an unjust enrichment.

----------

Elaine: I know how I'll find out how they're real. I'll look at her topless in the sauna.

Lawyer Friend: If you'd like I could serve her with an interrogatory regarding both their realness and spectacularity.

----------

Jerry and George: We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Lawyer Friend: Don't worry guys, since Lawrence v. Texas, you two can do whatever you want with impunity.

----------

Jerry: I have an overdue library fine from when I lent George a book in high school but our Gym coach stole it when George got him fired and now the Gym coach is a bum who keeps the book in his shopping cart. It's amazing how that all tied together!

Lawyer Friend: Amazing? Hardly. It's called proximate cause.

Dirty Old Men

I was at the grocery store yesterday and I was looking at some cute girl. Then I noticed she had on a "Pom Squad" shirt. She was obviously in high school. It's funny how I can go from intrigued to creeped out at myself upon realizing that one little fact. That reminded me of a conversation Mike and I had the summer before our first year of law school.

Russ: Would you ever date a girl who was still in high school or would that be too creepy?

Mike: I, actually, would be willing to date a senior in high school if her hotness outweighed my implied creepiness in doing so.

Russ: That's a good balancing test, I suppose. But what if she wanted to take you to prom or something?

Mike: She would have to be so hot that people would expect her to show up to prom with some older guy. You know the type.

A Wiseguy, Eh?

Another one of our many email exchanges

From Russ:

Reading for Worker's Compensation is slightly more interesting than the usual law school reading. All the cases read like a Three Stooges Short. For example:

"There duties include delivering boxes. Each box was secured by elastic bands (also described as "rubber bands"). Each rubber band was approximately twelve inches long by three-eigths inch wide."

Uh oh. I can see where this is going.

"Testimony before the administrative law judge establishes that the rubber bands were used by some of Bergin's employees for "rubber band fights".

Mike replied:

Maybe this will be the fact pattern for your test:

A was bending over to pick something up off of the ground, when a co-worker, B, walked by carrying a long wooden post on his shoulder. A third co-worker, C, called the name of B, causing B to turn around, just as A was standing up. The post on B's shoulder swung around and caught A in the back of the head. B, realizing the commotion, swung back around to see what happened and stuck C in the same manner.

After a brief moment of pain, A became angry and confronted B. Unhappy with his aplology, A used a handsaw on B's head, causing a sawing sound but no blood. C then came to, and asked what the big idea was, prompting A to poke C in the eyes. Once B and C's pain subsided, A instructed the two of them to get back to work, and as an extra motivating tool, grabbed B and C by the head and knocked them together, making, as witnesses decribed "a coconut sound."

B went to start laying some concrete, but each time he smoothed it out, a dog ran through it, leaving paw prints and reqiring B to resmoothe the concrete. After several attempts, B was seen to quickly run his hands over his face while talking in a falsetto.

Recent Exchange

Mike: Today I found out that The National Jurist put my post about paper passing is the latest issue.

Russ: They did? Did they at least attribute you?

Mike: Apparently, so no big deal.

Russ: Yeah, but still, don't they know it's copyrighted?

Mike: I would hope so, since it's a magazine called National Jurist. If the staff of any magazine would understand copyright laws, I'd think it would be one with the word "jurist" in the title.

Russ: Maybe they are avid readers of the blog and know you aren't taking the bar. They probably sat around discussing whether or not to use it, and finally said "What is he going to do, sue us?" Or maybe they figured that they have a nation of of jurists at their disposal, so they can just take what they want.

Mike: Maybe so. But I don't really mind, they attributed me and gave us a link, so it all works out I guess. If they do it again, maybe they should change the title to "National Plagiarist."

90% Of Success Is Just Showing Up

I've mentioned before how I was fooled into going to law school because of the show "Night Court." Who wasn't seduced into this profession by the nine seasons of one liners, sexual tension, and colorful, nonthreatening defendants? Every case ended the same way, with judge Harry Stone ordering, "$50 plus time served."

The reality is that there would be no more miserable place to work than at a New York City night court. It would be a stream of arraignments, each defendant more anonymous than the last. The only comfort you could take as a prosecutor would be lording your $35,000 salary over the public defender's $32,000

While my class action suit against NBC for falsely inflating my dreams continues, my life goes on.

Just last week I represented a clinic client in court. I had a flimsy grasp on the legal issues and was really dreading doing any arguing. Lucky for me, opposing counsel did not show up. My client beamed because a continuation meant more time before his foreclosure. The judge asked me if I knew where opposing counsel was and I scowled in disgust. Although I am not a great orator or a great legal mind I had one ace up my sleeve: punctual attendance.

"Can we continue this cause of action to a week from now?," asked the judge.

Still bristling on the outside and rejoicing on the inside, I replied, "Your honor, considering their inability to make it here today we should give opposing counsel ample time to get themselves organized. A month perhaps?"

The judge agreed, and thanks to my mere ability to be available my client had a place to live for another month.

In this rare moment of law school joy my thoughts naturally returned to that legal utopia, Night Court. I recalled when Judge Harry Stone explaining how he was selected to be a judge due to his mere ability to be available, "Well, they started at the bottom of a very long list and began calling candidates one at a time. It was Sunday so everyone was out. I was basically picked because I was home."

I thought to myself for a moment, "Hey. I'm pretty good at being available. Maybe even I could be a judge one day."

Maybe the old Woody Allen quote was right and 90% of success is just showing up. Either way, I'll be there on time to find out.

Random Rant #7

I am surprised that I haven’t touched on this before, since it is probably my #1 law school pet peeve, but do you know what really irritates me? Professors who don’t hand out a syllabus.

Dear Law Professors of America,

Let’s put this out on the table right now: Law professor is about the easiest job a JD can get. You teach two or three classes per semester, you write a paper every few years, and you hold office hours twice a week. That’s it. There is no dress code, so if you want to wear cowboy boots, a flannel shirt, or a $2,000 suit, you can get away with it. You get your summers off, unless you feel like teaching a laid back summer class with six apathetic students. You get paid pretty well, especially considering the “rigors” of the job, and once you get tenured, you are set with a cushy job for as long as you want it. Is it too much to ask that you make a word document containing the reading assignments for the semester, your office number and hours you are available, and your email address, and then hand a copy of the word document out to each of your students?

It can’t be that hard. You just sit down with a copy of the academic calendar and the class text book, and devise a list of the reading assignments. Then, make an approximation of when each assignment will be covered, and put that next to the corresponding date of the class meeting. It’s just that easy. And if you have taught the class before, then you know what you want to cover, so making the list of assignments is even easier.

Does that sound too tough? Do you like to go off on tangents or engage the gunners in long discussions that tend to throw the timeline off? Well here’s an idea: Instead of putting each assignment next to a corresponding date, number each assignment. This way, if you get off track, you can just say “We won’t get to assignment number 12 next, so no new reading,” or “For next class, move on to the next assignment.” Doesn’t that sound nice? And it reflects much better on you if you give us a syllabus, instead of taking three minutes at the end of each class, furrowing your brow as you leaf through the book trying to decide what to cover for the next class.

Look, I am not asking for a detailed breakdown of the entire semester. I just want something in my hand, something that I can look at and see what we have covered, and what we will be covering, so when I go to cram before the exam, I know what exactly I should cram. If you expect us to hand in detailed, well-written answers, couldn’t you at least give us a detailed, well-written breakdown of where we can find the information to formulate those answers? I think we both know the answer to that.

Sincerely,

Mike (on behalf of the Law Students of America)

I recently ran into an old friend of mine...

...who graduated from law school last year, and we had this exchange.

Friend: Are you getting ready for the bar?

Me: Actually, I'm not taking it. I decided that being a lawyer just isn't for me.

Friend: Then why put yourself through law school?

Me: Well, when I made that realization, it was too late to just quit, so I am sticking it out and getting the JD.

Friend: It seems to me that if you are going to go to the trouble of law school, you should at least practice law.

Me: Think about it this way: If you hooked up with some girl you didn't like, and she got pregnant, would you marry her?

Friend: Of course not.

Me: Exactly. You already made one mistake and paid the price, why would you exacerbate that mistake by making a second, much bigger mistake?

Friend: I see your point. I guess it's a smart decision.

Me: Of course it is. Speaking of smart decisions, lets drink a few more beers and then go to the batting cages.

Ask Barely Legal (sort of)

We get lots of people emailing us or IMing us wanting advice about blogging. We are by no means experts on this topic, but we have picked up some knowledge along the way, and we are happy to share it. So, if you are a blogger, or want to be a blogger, this is our advice. If not, you can keep reading if you want, I’m fine either way.

1) Know what kind of blog you want. There are three types of blogs: Those meant for personal entertainment, those meant for the entertainment of friends and family, and those meant for public consumption. Your blog should be whatever you want it to be. Since our blog is obviously the third type, this advice will mostly apply to blogs meant for public consumption.

2) What to write about. Anything on your mind, but if you want lots of people to read your blog, then you have to write stuff that is funny or interesting or insightful or entertaining. In other words, it has to have some appeal to readers. The corollary to that rule is that you aren’t going to please everyone, so don’t try. Inevitably some people won’t like what you have to say. Don’t worry about those people. Write what you want and you’ll find your audience.

3) How often to write. As often as you feel like writing, but if you want people to read your blog, you have to update with some regularity. As a general rule, Russ and I try to make at least four posts per week and more if possible, but that’s just us. On the flip side, don’t post anything because you feel like you have to post something. Our four-post-per-week rule came out of the fact that we usually have at least four post ideas per week. Don’t force posts just because you feel like you have to update.

4) Content. As I stated before, your blog can be anything you want it to be. That being said, you have to exercise some form of self-censorship, particularly if you have a blog meant for public consumption. In other words, don’t write anything that could come back to bite you in the ass. If you want to remain completely anonymous, don’t tell your friends about it. If you are completely out in the open, you have much less latitude in terms of what you can write. As is stands, Russ and I are quasi-anonymous. On our blog, we have been careful not to reveal where we go to school (thus there are no hidden clues out there), nor do we use the real names of anyone we write about (except our own). While the word is out at each of our schools, we still write under the same rules as before. In summary, before you post something, make sure it isn’t anything that will get you in trouble.

5) Getting Traffic. Obviously, if you are writing a blog that you want people (other than friends and family) to read, you need to find those readers. The best way to do this is by getting linked on other blogs. Always offer to exchange links, don’t just ask for a link (as we learned the hard way). But before you do this, build some content. Lots of times people think they have a great blog idea, make a half-dozen posts, and then kind of forget about it. Even if you think you have a public consumption blog, really, it’s a personal entertainment blog until you are able to post with some regularity over a period of a month or so. You’d be surprised at how many people think they have lots to write about but quickly run out. So before you start asking for links post some stuff for a while and get the hang of it.

So that’s my blogging advice in a nutshell. I don’t profess to know much about blogging, but we did something right along the way, since we started off by just posting the random stuff we emailed back and forth to stave off boredom. So for all those who asked or wanted to ask, that’s my two cents. If you have any other questions, you can always email us or IM me.

E-Mail Forward

We've been getting this article forwarded to us lately.

The gist of the story is that some lawyer offered a recent grad a job, which she accepted. She then had the gall to criticize and reject the job offer over E-Mail. They then had a rude exchange as to the appropriateness of her email.

She looks like a stereotypical law student, an ass who thinks the world owes her a favor. He looks like a kindly old counselor trying to guide a young lady through the formalities of the profession.

Here's what the email doesn't say: He posted this job opening on craigslist. It doesn't get much less formal then that. I wonder what his ad said.

"Wanted: 24 inch bicycle tire, 1996 Ken Griffey Jr. Topps card, discreet m4f sex, and a junior associate."

While this exchange is real, it is as cliched as any Jay Leno lawyer joke and deserves about as much attention, particularly from law students who can see why this situation is atypical. Would you mail Polish jokes to the Polish consulate titled, "I thought you might enjoy this"?

You Can't Spell Class Without A-S-S

The summer before my 1L year, I received a letter from my school requesting that I send in a digital picture of myself to be used on my school ID. The letter instructed that the picture be a tight headshot, passport-style photo. I put it off and put it off until the day it was due. That day was hot and humid, a typical August afternoon. I had been outside mowing my parent's lawn when I remembered I needed a picture. I splashed some cold water on my face, grabbed the digital camera, and had my mom take the picture. Predictably, the picture wasn't very good, since I wasn't smiling and my face was flushed from having been outside. But I didn't really care, since it was only going to by a 3/4 inch by 3/4 inch square on my student ID card. The picture was what they needed, and it was good enough, and besides, no one was really ever going to see it.

Or so I thought.

In yet another move that epitomizes my school's class and prestige, they decided that all of our student ID pictures would double as our pictures on the class composite. And they did this without alerting us of their plan. Luckily for me, most of the pictures are as bad as mine; unflattering headshots taken quickly when they realized there was a deadline. In an industry
and profession dominated by prestige and image, every single graduate from my class will be remembered by future generations wearing a t-shirt, or if they decided to be more formal, a windbreaker.

I graduate in a few months, and soon after my school will start soliciting donations from me and my fellow graduates. I don't know what my classmates will do, but when they ask me, I am going to send them another picture of myself, holding up my middle finger.

A journal of my thoughts from my morning class

9:32 I wish I sat next to someone who would appreciate this. Walking in today, I saw a girl that looked just like Kimmy Gibbler from Full House. Is it just me, or is that really funny? If someone told her she looked like Kimmy Gibbler, would she be offended?

9:37 You know what I hate? When I have ESPN on in the background, and I happen to catch a college basketball score on the bottom line, and I’m like “Holy shit, Rutgers beat Villanova?!?!” and then I realize it’s a women’s score. Note to ESPN: Just because you bought the rights to women’s college basketball doesn’t mean anyone cares about it.

9:41 Why do we need Latin phrases in the law? Would it really be that hard to phase them out? Why can’t a private meeting with the judge be “in the chambers” instead of in camera?

9:45 I was watching the Olympics last night, and talking to my girlfriend. I said something about how all the male figure skaters are gay, and she disagreed. I challenged her to point out one who didn’t give off a huge gay vibe, and she couldn’t. Then the guy came out in a tight fitting matador suit, and I rested my case.

9:54 What is the point of dissenting opinions, seriously? They remind me of letters to the editor in a small town newspaper. No one cares about their opinion, but they are just so gosh darn mad they just have to tell someone, so they write it up, although no one will ever really read it.

10:02 Speaking of the Olympics, is there any talent needed to be a luger other than the ability to lay down, some balls, and ownership of a luge?

10:04 I just thought of a great way to make dissenting opinions more interesting. They should all be written like a bad stand-up act.

Scalia: What's the deal with the majority? I read this thing and all I could think was where did these people go to law school? It reads like they barely graduated from high school! Am I right, Thomas?

Thomas: Hiyo!

10:10 It’s been three days and I am already sick of the Cheney jokes. Okay, he shot someone. Big deal, do you honestly think this is the first time he’s shot someone? I wouldn’t be surprised if he has children chained up in his basement. So let’s stop making a big deal out of this. Besides, he shot a lawyer. I applaud him.

10:12 This professor just called on my and told me that he needs to get as much from me as he can when I actually am here. I agreed, and told him he should get his money's worth when I'm here. The jig is up.

10:14 I think my #1 pet peeve is people who turn off the IM feature that says when they are typing. I want to know if I am being responded too, damnit!

10:18 It occurs to me that this post may sound like one of those Larry King News and Views columns. In that case, let me say this: For my money, there is no better tea than green chai tea.

10:19 I just checked out the actress who played Kimmy Gibbler’s IMDB page. I think it’s safe to say that she got out of acting because she was being type-cast as a quirky, annoying, stinky-footed best friend. Class is almost over; I am now going to count backwards from 60 in my head to pass the final minute. Take it easy.

Valentines Day

Tennyson wrote, "In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love." In the middle of February, however, we've got more important things on our mind: sealing windows, radiator fluid, and basketball.

Let's face it, Valentine's Day is probably placed on the stupidest day of the year for a romantic holiday. You'd think the calender people would've realized that when they noticed cupid is wearing a loin cloth and not a parka.

Here's how the typical Valentines Day goes:

Man shows up at his date's door at 7:00 pm and it's already been dark for two hours. He's wearing three layers. His date is also wearing 3 layers. Both look 30 pounds heavier, because of it.

No clever small talk on the way to the car. Instead, they both shuffle as fast as possible to get to the car yet slow enough not to slip on the ice.

At the overbooked restaurant they wait in their layers for a table, secretly sweating and praying that they don't soak through their dress shirt/blouse.

Finally, if the Valentine's date is a success and they move things to the bedroom. They are likely to come into contact with their lover's sexiest appendage: an ice cold foot.

So, can we please move Valentine's Day to the spring?

Women, you have no idea what's it's like on that first warm spring day when, like a field of daisies, it seems that cleavage, calves, and shoulders have blossomed everywhere. The world seems flush with beauty and possibility as your soft hair tosses in the sweet spring air onto your exposed shoulders. If a declaration of love were ever apt, it would be then. Instead, we have to make our intentions clear when your only exposed flesh is a dry face with a red sniffling nose. No wonder you're disappointed in us.

Beauty Queen

I was at the Mall this weekend. Not one of those nice malls with a Nordstrom's and a Banana Republic but the kind that has booths that sell gold chains by the foot. After browsing though the Foot Locker, I saw an obese little girl 11-year old girl wearing a shirt that said, "You Can Call Me Your Majesty." I thought to myself, 'Ugh. Could America's youth get any worse." My question was quickly answered in the affirmative.

The mall was holding a beauty pageant! There was a stage set up and everything. I decided to stick around to see which fresh faced teen would win a $500 dollar college scholarship (that should pay for about 2 books). Then I saw some of the contestants. They were 5 year olds! Hair done. Make-up on. Little Ballroom Gowns. The works.

I actually know someone who reluctantly lets his wife enter his daughter into these things. When explaining it he said, "You know, like Jon Benet Ramsey." How disturbing! As the years pass how else will he describe his daughter's accomplishments? "She's taking a senior trip after high school. You know, like Natalee Holloway," or "She just got an internship in Washington. You know, like Chandra Levy."

The sad part is that referencing Jon Benet Ramsey may be the most tasteful option available. What else is he supposed to say? "My wife and I dress our 5 year old up in pumps, stocking, makeup, and gowns with cleavage. We then parade her in front of complete strangers while telling her "big smiles" or "pout your lips." It should be clear we really wanted a championship show dog."

While drawn to the social phenomenon/car wreck that kiddie beauty pageants are, I decided to leave before I became someone who has actually seen one. Before I left, I saw an image that could have been a post-modern Norman Rockwell: A little girl in her gown and get up, her fried blonde 30 year old mom trailing behind her, the 50 year old weather-beaten grandma carrying all the pageant implements in a bin following the blonde mom. I looked at this sad trio and thought to myself, "There goes three generations of Denny's Waitresses."

Ask Barely Legal

After morphing into Dear Abby last weekend with the relationship advice, I am back to my normal self, and we received this question:

Hey guys, love the blog. I am a 1L, and on Monday/Wednesday, we are done with class at noon, then have a long break, and have to come back for legal writing at 4. My section of legal writing is held in a small room, which is always 10 degrees warmer than the rest of the school (this will come in to play later). During that long break, different people do different thing. Some people stay and study, some go home and nap, and then there is this guy, I'll call him "Dan". Dan likes to go work out during this long break. I have no problem with this, except for one: Dan doesn't shower after his workout. Dan doesn't change out of his workout clothes. Dan stinks. He has horrible, horrible BO when he comes to class. This is made all the worse by the small, hot room we meet in. By the end of class, the room smells like a locker room and the rest of us are ready to throw up. Something needs to be done...Any suggestions?

You are correct, something needs to be done. And not just for your immediate benefit, but for the future benefit of anyone who may be in your position. Dan is what is known as a Stinky Guy; he has no awareness of his own funk and thus subjects poor innocent people such as yourself to his body odor problems.

There are several different approaches to telling Dan he stinks. First, you could employ the subtle hint method. The next time you are in class, and he is stinking up the joint, say aloud, to on one in particular, "What stinks?" When this happens, everyone in the room takes silent inventory of their own odors, trying to figure out if they are indeed the cause of the odor. However, since it appears that Dan is oblivious to the situation, he might not take the subtle hint. Thus, you might want to try a not so subtle hint.

In doing this, you should bring in some air freshener. When Dan start funkifying the room, say
"Oh jeez, something stinks", take out the can of air freshener, and start spraying it around the room. When you get to Dan, say "Smells like it's coming from over here", and send extra air freshener in his direction. Hopefully Dan will take the hint, although I somehow doubt it, as he seems oblivious.

The next option is to go the anonymous route. This could be done by putting some deodorant with a note that says "USE THIS" in his chair before he arrives at class, but I suggest the anonymous email. In fact, if you want, I'll send you an invitation to gmail, and you can create an address like DanYouStink or something, and send him an anonymous message detailing how he stinks, how it effects everyone in the class, and suggestions for stopping the stink. The only downside is that he may come to class with accusing eyes, or he will thinks it's a joke. And since he seems so oblivious, I think he may not think the email is serious.

So, I suggest you do this: Pull Dan aside, out of earshot of everyone, and repeat these words: "Dan, you stink." Be blunt and brutally honest. If he protests, tell him exactly how he stinks, and what everyone thinks of him. Tell him it is one thing to be the stinky kid in elementary school; a little bit worse in junior high; pretty bad in high school; ridiculous in college; and completely and utterly out of hand in law school. If, at this point, he doesn't do anything about it, I would suggest having the whole class go to the professor and ask him/her to address the situation. Keep us posted.

6 Blog Cliches You Will Never See Here

6. Blog quizzes. It is our promise to you, the reader, that you will never know which New York Times columnist, Rule of Civil Procedure, or castmember of Cats we are.

5. Superfluous vulgarity. As all bad comedians know, when all else fails, curse. Cursing and vulgar language should be used to enhance humor, not be the source of it. For example: I walked to the store and bought some beer. Not funny. Compare: I walked to the motherfucking store and bought some fucking beer. Not funny, unless you are an idiot.

4. The Footnote*

3. Subtle Bragging. We will not use any little occurrence in our day to day life to remind our readers about our big firm jobs and status on the law review. (Because neither of us has a big firm job, nor is either of us on the law review. But if we were, you wouldn't know about it.)

2. News Analysis. We promise never to post a link to a news story and then provide our own analysis, unless that analysis is done by way of a professional wrestling analogy.

1. The Cross Out. We will never employ the trick where we write something, and then cross it out, and write something else. This trick is hilarious witty clever retarded.




* I will never put an asterisk so you will read an addendum to a comment that you can't even remember two paragraphs later

Random Story that has nothing to do with Law School

When I was a junior in high school, I had to have surgery on my jaw which required my jaw to be wired shut for six weeks. (The details behind this surgery are both graphic and boring, so I'll spare you.) Unfortunately, my mom insisted that I have the surgery done over Christmas break, which meant that not only would I not get to miss any school, but my Christmas break was ruined as well.

Having your jaw wired shut sucks. I wanted real food, but I had to settle for liquids. I was confined to soup, and what's worse, if the soup had any solid in it (like chicken or noodles), I had to run it through the blender. Being 17, grouchy, and spoiled, I refused to perform this task myself and insisted my mom do it for me. One day, maybe a week after the surgery, I was hungry and went to find something to "eat". I opened the pantry and looked at the soup selection, searching for some tomato soup since my mom wans't home to run the blender for me. Since it was the holiday season, my grandma was visiting, and she came into the kitchen to find me looking for food.

"What are you looking for, dear," she asked.

"Just some tomato soup," I replied (or tried to reply, since I was talking with my teeth forcefully clenched together), scanning the giant soup selection my mom had stockpiled, "But I don't see any."

"I can make you some," she said, and before I could say anything she shooed me off to the couch while she made me what I thought was going to be homemade tomato soup.

I expected it to take a while, but it would be worth the wait, I figured. Then, to my surprise, two minutes later my grandma walked into the room carefully holding a steaming hot mug. I was confused because she was done so quickly, and I tried to figure out an explanation. Maybe there was some leftover in the fridge, I thought. Or maybe she keeps a spare can in her purse. Whatever the explanation was, I was hungry and eagerly took the mug from her.

I took a sip (since I had to drink everything) as my grandma looked on in anticipation, and I nearly gagged. "Grandma, what is this," I asked as some hot red liquid dribbled out of my mouth and onto my shirt. "It's disgusting."

As she began her explanation, I heard the three words that my sisters and I dreaded hearing the most from her: "During the depression." She went on to explain that in the 1930's, when men wanted a hot meal but had no money, they would go into a coffee shop and get a cup of hot water for a penny. Then, they would put ketchup in the water and stir it up, making a crude tomato soup. Finally, she told me, they would crumble crackers in it and viola!, hot tomato soup.

I looked at my sweet old grandmother for a moment, and said "Grandma, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. But it's the 90's, the economy is robust, and there is a whole cabinet full of real soup." And with that, I got up and set out to teach myself how to use the blender.

I Rarely Speak Up In Class

... but today in family law we were discussing whether an incest relationship would be constitutional under Lawrence v. Texas (consensual homosexual sex is constitutional). Lots of people put in their two cents about how it could harm the family, children, etc. These arguments were all moot if the two incestors were consensual adults who did not have kids.

Finally, I had to raise my hand and speak:

"There's got to be a difference between the moral repulsion that maybe 50% of the population has towards homosexuals, that has essentially become a 'you say tom-A-to, I say tom-a-to,' thing, and the feeling that 99% of us share: this relationship in this situation is disgusting."

After class, an editor of the law review (Federal clerkship next year, etc) came up to me and said, "I really think you hit the nail on the head with what you said."

Modestly, I replied, "I don't stand up for many issues but I am 100% against uncle fucking"

Random Thoughts From the Weekend

**Thanks to everyone who threw their two cents in about the unfaithful bride-to-be. In case you were wondering, the consensus was pretty much that the guy was well within his rights to call off the wedding. People had differing opinions on the friend's culpability, although many people agreed she failed as a friend.

**For those who brought it up, my response would have been exactly the same if the roles were reversed; In fact, I think I may have been even harder on a cheating groom. Also, for those who suggested that our posts this weekend were chauvenistic, let it be said we think men are just as stupid. In fact, this entire blog is a shrine to male stupidity.

**For those of you who suggested that you wouldn't personally call off your wedding in that situation, I say fair enough, but it's one of those situations where you don't know what you'd do until it happens. Sort of like the question "If you won $50 million in the lottery, would you stay in law school?" Lots of people like to say they would stay in school, but you can't really know what you'd do until you wake up for a 9:00 class with only 4 hours sleep, and 45 pages of reading to do, and the idea that you could be in a beachfront house sipping a margarita if you wanted is actually possible.

**No, we will not bring back comments. We still don't like them, and if we want reader feedback, we'll ask for it via email.

**Thank you to those who pointed out that I really meant DEFCON-1 instead of DEFCON-5. See, I am learning things in law school.

**As a huge football fan, this was an all-around disappointing Super Bowl. The game, while not a snooze fest, wasn't exactly exhilarating, and the commercials were nothing special. The only really entertaining part was watching a 350 pound running back play his final game.

**And finally, I had an IM conversation with our youngest fan, a 16 year old girl. This give a whole new meaning to 'Barely Legal'.

Yet Another Hateable Law Student

It seems like every other law student has a blog. Most law students don't detail their love affairs with married men on their blogs, though.

This girl did, however.

Check it out and leave a comment if you like.

At least the bride in the below post felt guilty.

UPDATE: This person has deleted their blog. Good thing, too. After buying an extra cell phone to call her on and having to shower at the gym after sex with her, the last thing this married guy needs to worry about is whether his young mistress is blogging about him.

Yes, I did save her original post, a nutty look into the mind of a mistress

Lawyer Boyfriend

Since he is sure to be a frequent topic and I have nothing to say about the State of the Union since there were no straight up comical moments, just a lot of hot air...let me make a few things about lawyer boyfriend clear.

1) He's 14 years older than me.
2) He's married.
3) I realize this relationship is a one way road to disaster. It's just the sort of thing I thrive/fall apart on.

Here comes the part where readers will judge, and that's OK with me, I judge all the time like it's my job. It should be listed as an interest on my resume. Dating an older guy has it's advantages. Sure people ask me if he's going to bring his cane when we go out (ha ha ha), and yeah, his balls are sagging a little, BUT he worships me. It's a fair trade, I think. He's just enough older to feel lucky to be with a younger woman, he appreciates me for that and I don't mind that it's probably just the side effects of his mid-life crisis (he even drives a convertible, sheesh). He tells me I'm beautiful, he appreciates sex, he spoils me with gifts, he finds me jobs and he keeps my car running.

As for the married part, well, I guess that's a little more complicated. Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm jealous. Sometimes I'm grateful. Sometimes I call myself a Gold Digger. Sometimes I imagine a future. Most of the time I just wonder how long it can last.

I get to see him tomorrow night.

A Very Special 'Ask Barely Legal'

I only wanted to do one reader advice question per week, but today we received an email from a reader that deserved special attention.

Okay guys, I have one for you...

A few weekends ago was my best friends bachelorette party. We went to a major city close to us, got a hotel suite, and hit the clubs. My friend (the bride) was drinking a lot, and ended up leaving with some guy. According to her, she went back to his apartment and gave him a BJ. She came back to the room that night and passed out.

The next day she felt guilty and told her fiance about it. He blew up and called off the wedding. I am close friends with both (although i am better friends with her) and I don't know who to side with. I know she was wrong, but should he have called off the wedding? Is it that big of deal?

First of all, this is the sort of email that will get posted on the blog. Good work. Now on to the question at hand...

Russ and I discussed the issue for a while and came to the conclusion that the guy was justified to have any reaction he wanted, short of violence. Everyone is different. To some people, they would let a thing like this slide and proceed as planned. Others would postpone the wedding and seriously examine the relationship. And yet others would cut off all ties with the hussy and move on with their lives. So long as he doesn't beat the shit out of her, I have no problem with any reaction. Because when you play with someone's emotions like that, you cannot define what an appropriate reaction is. So to answer your question, it is a big deal to him, and so yes, he should have called off the wedding.

But what really concerns me is your apparent lack of appreciation of the situation. "I know she was wrong," you say, but then go on and wonder if he overreacted by calling off the wedding. Well, of course she was wrong. I cannot think of anything right about a bride-to-be getting a facial from some random dude a few weeks before what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life. I'm sure you could try and excuse her behavior because she was drunk, but her impending nuptials was the very reason for her drunkenness. So it couldn't have just slipped her mind. And she couldn't have been that drunk if she made it back to the hotel room by herself. Besides, drunkenness doesn't excuse behavior, it only explains it.

Another burning question here is where the fuck were you? How did you and the other people at the party let her leave with some guy? Look, I have been to plenty of bars in my day, and I have seen the "female force field" at work on countless occasions. You know, when the friends all protect another friend from guys at all cost. At a bachelorette party, the friends should be at DEFCON-5 when it comes to protecting the bride. There should have been one goal: Don't let the bride do anything to compromise the engagement. And yes, that includes leaving with some random to go do God knows what. So the blood of this marriage is on your hands too, sweetheart.

Finally, and this wasn't really anything you asked, but it's my two cents...This bride has issues. I don't know her or anything about her, but that won't stop me from labeling her. She screwed up, big time. I don't know why she did what she did, but in doing it, she managed to ruin her life for the forseeable future. As for the guy, I think he is probably better off without her. I commend him for calling off the wedding; no matter what, that can't be an easy situation.

For the readers, we want your input: What would you have done in this situation? Also, is there anyone out there who would dare to defend the girl? Email responses to barelylegalblog@gmail.com.

(And for the girl who wrote the email to begin with: Russ wants the phone number of the bride. Thanks.)

Ask Barely Legal

This week's question comes from a female 3L who asked this:

Mike and Russ,

I have been dating this guy for three months now, and things are going great . Just last week he said he loved me, and I love him. (He isn't in law school, he has a real job. It's amazing, I don't know why I didn't think of this before!) Here is the problem: I have a picture in my apartment of me and my ex-boyfriend from a vacation we took with my family a few years ago. The new guy saw this the other day and got really upset and jealous, and I saw a side to him I have never seen before. He wants me to get rid of the picture, but I don't want to. It's not in a place that anyone really sees it (it's in my spare bedroom, on a dresser), and that vacation was very special to me and I don't want to forget it. Am I being unreasonable for not taking the picture down, or he is being unreasonable for demanding that I get rid of it? I need a guy's advice, and you guys are guys. Help me out, please?

Sure, we can help. On first glance, you keep up pictures of your ex-boyfriend so that the new one can see it, and you write two stangers all about it. Seems to me like you enjoy the attention of men. Nevertheless, here is my take: Everyone has a bad side. Whether that will turn out to be a cheater, a beater, an silent seether, or maybe if you are lucky, a crier, eventually it will get revealed. Your boyfriend's was revealed, but I can't really fault him. After all, you said this is getting serious. You have exchanged the 'L' word. So why would you keep visual reminders of previous boyfriends around? Sure, that vacation may have been special, but it's over, just like the relationship. You have to move on.

This guy saw the picture and felt insecure. Whether or not that is reasonable is not the issue. He did, and that's what matters. If you like the fact that he is flushed with emotions over the new relationship, you can't fault him for being flushed with emotions when he sees you with a previous boyfriend. Knowing in his mind that he isn't the first guy in your life is one thing; constant visual evidence is another. You should explain to him that you no longer have feelings for the previous guy (if that is in fact the case). You should assure him that you love him and don't want to be with anyone else (if that is in fact the case). If you really do love this guy and see it going somewhere, then you would take the picture down. If it is truely that important to you, put it in a private photo album with other pictures from that vacation. But if you want my advice, cut the old guy out of the picture or throw it away. Keeping this picture isn't worth throwing away your relationship.

Words of Encouragement

I recently held a small party where I showed a home video of my Spring Break back in 2000. I invited everyone who went on the trip.

One of the guys I invited is currently a law student. This was his reply:

"Sorry I can't make it. I'll have to watch it the same way I watch all movies: Alone, in the dark, getting drunk, avoiding both studying and looking for a job"

The helpful friend in me wanted to reply and say, "Maybe you should attend an AA meeting. As they say, Take what you like from it, leave the rest."

The helpful law student in me wanted to reply and say, "Maybe you should attend an AA meeting. That would be a great place to do network with other attorneys."

A Very Rare Political Post

http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/01/alito/index.html

In a nutshell, Alito broke ranks with the conservative justices and voted to stop the execution of a death row inmate. It's much too early to tell if Alito has been a mole this entire time, but it is times like these that I wish that politics was more like pro wrestling.

Alito would have been one of Bush's goons, always helping Bush cheat to win matches, and running in and saving him from beatings by his opponents. They would team up to take on challengers, culminating in a tag team match at Wrestlemania, Bush and Alito (aka The Conservative Connection) vs. John Kerry and Al Gore (aka The Blue Streaks).

Bush and Alito would be winning handily, really rubbing it in. The Conservative Connection's manager, Trent Lott (aka The Southern Dandy), would distract the ref so Bush could use some brass knuckles he was hiding in his tights on Kerry. Then Bush would pin Kerry, and the match is over. Bush and Alito raise their arms in victory. But as soon as Bush turns to taunt the crowd, Alito picks up a folding chair and whacks Bush over the head. Alito then joins the Blue Streaks as they stomp on Bush, and Trent Lott for good measure. Then the three of them join arms and raise their hands in unity, as the Blue Streaks music blasts through the arena and the crowd goes wild, with a dazed Bush laying in the middle of the ring, the victim of an elaborate set-up.

Contest #4

How has law school beaten you down? How has it crushed your gentle spirit? Has it made you bitter, depressed, nervous, fat, impotent? Did you come in an idealistic liberal and leave a craven conservative? Did you imagine yourself on law review only to end up in the bottom of your class? Did you start a blog about farting in torts only to have no one read it? Tell us your story, (but please try to be funny and not too dark). Send in submissions to barelylegalblog@gmail.com. All entires will be kept anonymous. Also, as a reminder, send in any questions you may need advice for, we are always taking those submissions.