Weight of the World

My life is very heavy right now. Full. Almost bloated. I overflow with all emotions: sadness, guilt, grief, happiness, elation, amazement, and more.

Funerals. Parties. Dinners with friends and family. Good memories of Dad that make me cry. Uncomfortable conversations with extended family resulting from his death and the reality that many more are to come. Time with E where it fits and guilt that there is not more. A new career that begins shortly. A possible passing bar score balanced against the very real reality that I, like many noble warriors, may be asked to attempt to slay that dragon once again.

I leave for vacation soon. It is absolutely necessary. I look forward to my normal, lighter life like a dream. I am excited for its return and hope that I can appreciate it at a level that I never did before.

Homecoming

Tonight, I'm home in my own home for the first night in over 3 weeks after what I thought would be a weekend away. I've got some observations.

I *really* miss sleeping in my own bed with my own husband. I wanted to go to bed and fall asleep immediately upon arrival. Too bad it was 3 PM.

I missed my sonicare more than I would have thought. Just brushed my teeth, and *damn*...

Gangs of New York is the perfect excuse to sit on your own couch for hours on end. Literally. Hours. Like 5. Or, if you are us, and take breaks, 6. Note, much to E's surprise, this is *not* about gangs in New York in the '80s. If you think it is, you will be quite surprised.

The local sushi joint is oddly comforting. Overwhelmingly comforting. It made me cry.

It really is funny how much of a planner I am and how much life goes out of its way to make it clear that I should not be. Yet still, I persist. I'm cartoonish in my stubborness.

Today's Treasures

Today was a productive day. But at the end of it all, I was agitated. Many of the details associated with a loved one's death are painful and stressful.

At 6 PM, my sister and I met my mother for pedicures. I sat there, anxious, while my feet soaked in the water and the chair massaged me. All of a sudden, a feeling of peace washed over me.

I *had* to let it go. I was getting a pedicure. What was the point if I couldn't enjoy it? This is life. If I can't enjoy a pedicure, I'm not doing a good job of being alive. Slowly, with each massaging motion of the chair and with each little bit of work on my feet that transformed them from ugly to cute, I relaxed. I smiled. I was happy.

I was happy I could be happy. Plus, my feet look MUCH better.

I think it is not an exaggeration to say that I had a spiritual awakening of sorts in the pedicure chair today. Silly. But true. I feel more awake. I feel more at ease with the world and all of its harshness. Bad things happen. But so do pedicures.

As a bonus, I made a food discovery. I asked the salon owner if there was any good vietnamese food in my very suburban hometown. Here in whitey-ville, I'm surrounded by friends and family and I'm where I'm supposed to be given all of the stuff I need to be handling. But, I can't help craving the culinary diversity of my more metropolitan life in the bay area.

Imagine my shock when she informed me that there was a new vietnamese restaurant that had just opened and that it was *good*. Sis and I took Mom to experienc pho for the first time tonight. We followed the advice of the salon owner and discovered a delicious vietnamese deli/grocery/restaurant. Still in the euphoria of the pedicure, I savored the whole experience as divine intervention and enjoyed my meal to the fullest.

All in all, I'm finding this process surprising. I find deep sorrow in surprising nooks and crannies where I least expect it. And, I find comfort in equally strange places.

Recollecting Myself

My dad passed away. As per his wishes, we threw one hell of a party. Now, I'm spending time with my brother, sister and E as well as all of the supportive friends and family as we slowly deal with all of the details.

There are many things to take care of, and most of it is very personal and private, so I expect to be fairly quiet on the blogfront for a while.

However, I plan to post about the lighter things to remind myself to relish them, to laugh, and to enjoy life even in this time of pain.

So, the first happy thing I have to post is that brother, sister and I are going on a vacation away from home together for the first time in at least 15 years. (E is coming as well.) We're going to relax, deep sea fish (we expect dad to pull some strings and get us some good fish), and enjoy our memories before we finish packing up all of dad's things and move everything out of his house.

Second, on an even lighter note, E and I made reservations at The Madonna Inn for one of our trips around the state to deal with everything. While there, we will be taking advantage of the waterfall shower in our very kitschy room. Unfortunately, the cave man room is booked 6 months to a year in advance, so we'll be spending the evening in slightly lessor splendor. Regardless, it's going to be memorable.

New Frying Pan

The bar is over.

Daddy is sick.

I'm at the hospital.

He had the stubborness to wait 'til after the bar, after my birthday, and after a good visit where he appeared to be in improving health and we could all laugh together to get sick.

I can't believe how strong the power of human will is when it comes to pushing back the forces that eventually overtake us.

I'm also overwhelmed at the strength of my father's love for me.

I think I'm going to be MIA from blogland for a while.

Bar: My take

I've heard many people describe the bar as an endurance test. I disagree. An endurance test is merely one of length and stubborness. It's you versus something you know and have the will to endure.

The bar on the other hand isn't actually that long. Maybe the studying is an endurance test. But, after 2.5 months of studying, the 6 hours a day of testing and 1 hour of listening to instructions for 3 days isn't that taxing. Sure, it's tiring, but it's not the test itself that's tiring you out.

What is taxing, instead, is the mental warfare. BarBri will succeed in their best efforts to freak you out -- that's how they make their money -- off the paranoia. I hate them. There are plenty of strategies that could help people learn about and understand how to take this test for exactly what it is -- a stupid test of tactics and a little bit of knowledge. BarBri does not teach any of those things. Instead, they will assign you to do things you are bound to fail at, which will freak you out. They will assign too much work and not enough strategy. Your fellow test takers will add to your stress levels with their comments and demeanor as well as the tales of their mishaps. And no matter how serene you generally are, you will wage mental warfare with yourself.

Finally, you should expect the worst because some of it will probably happen. How you handle these things is much more indicative of whether you will keep it together than how many of the BarBri assigned questions you did.

So, for what it's worth, in hindsight, myself and/or people I know would have been better off if we had made the following assumptions:

1. They will start the test late and you will be surrounded by 1800 freaking out JDs waiting outside the doors that won't open. For an hour. With no explanation. In the heat wave.
   



2. Your 3 least favorite subjects are going to come up 1-3 on the first day of essays.
   



3. You will realize halfway through a performance exam that you are doing it ALL WRONG. If you keep your cool, you will have time to fix it. If you don't...
   



4. At times, the air conditioning system will suck, alternatively cooking you and freezing you.
   



5. Some proctors will think it's funny to make jokes like, "how do you think you are going to pass this test if you can't even get the right form in the right envelope?"
   



6. Your computer will freak out and you will have to hand-write.
   



7. You will get food poisoning on the night after the first day and you will puke all night, getting no sleep.
   



8. You will be completely unable to sleep the night before the first day, no matter how well you handle stress.
   



9. You will get in a car accident on the drive home from the bar exam (This one is a serious one to consider. Think about getting a ride. Many of my friends and I were brain dead and had tales of almost causing accidents. One of us did.)
   

This is not a test of anything other than your ability to put up with shit that sucks, a bit of legal knowledge, and your ability to write for people who aren't reading (a skill I'm betting most of us never really tried to develop before). I'd say it's 1/3, 1/3, 1/3.

BarBri and the California Bar would have you believe this test is mostly about the law. They lie. You can get the law wrong and pass. You just have to spot the issues they want you to spot, keep your cool, and get lucky on your MBE guesses and the grader who reads your essays. What a great filter for entrance to the noble profession! NOT!

Of course, if I pass, I'll probably move on with my life without doing a single thing to fight the obviously horrid process and make it better for those who come after me. Life is just too short. Sorry guys.

Thirty

I'm feeling pretty cool. The cops showed up at my impromptu post-bar 30th birthday party.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would be the person I'd become. Amused does not begin to describe the feeling.

Oh, and also, the bar sucks. But it's over. More on that shite later. For now, I'm home, still in shock at the idea of having a life again, and apparently, working my way towards being a private nuisance.

Bar: Reality

After 9 weeks of straight studying, even if you've done everything you personally could have done, you did not, could not have, done it all.

So two nights before the exam, I keep studying, but lightly, and I'm doing my best to maintain the confidence that it's going to be okay.

Unfortunately, tonight is where I have to let it go and realize that there is a large element of luck in all of this.

Because all of what is necessary to ensure success will not fit in my brain. So I'm reduced to hoping that the stuff that's in there is enough to be okay.

I think it's healthy to face the demons. I'm glad I'm doing it tonight.

Here's to hoping tomorrow, or at least Tuesday, I'll be back in the zone.

Bar: in the zone

A week from now, I'll be on vacation.

I've just got to go through the motions of studying for 4 days and the test for 3. It's all scheduled except for packing and possibly buying one of the allowed timepieces.

I'm calm. It's the comfortable hyper-calm from sports.

I've never felt this way about an exam before. The forced high-performance calm had previously been reserved for sports where I could break my neck if I fucked up.

I can take the bar exam again. I know this. And yet, my body/brain complex has apparently been put under enough stress in this whole process to think it deserves the same level of controlled adrenaline as competing a trick on your own that you've never done without a crash mat and a spotter to save you.

I always understood how much of a mental game sports were. There were always a few people who were so confident and had so much mind-over-body control that they could return from a 3-month hiatus, 10 pounds heavy and out of shape, only to kick the ass of those who had been in the gym 6 days a week. In diving, the hiatus could be years (water hurts much less than ground).

Why could these bad-asses do this? Sure some of it was raw talent. But one thing they all had in common was knowing that they could do it. Those kids, they had this serene confidence that at times could be more important than preparation and strength. We often thought they were stupid for trying tricks that they clearly weren't in good enough shape to pull. They always landed and grinned.

It's fascinating that the bar is just as much of a mind game as successfully flipping and twisting your body in ways it shouldn't be torqued. It's just contorting your brain to store way more than is remotely comfortable in a way that you can access it all. And believing that a) the stuff is in there; b) you can get to it; and c) when you can't you're gonna fake it well enough that no one's gonna notice.

So my take home point is this: now that we're running out of time to prepare, it's time to believe.

Is this normal?

My mom's husband left me a voicemail this morning. He was somewhat frantic because he couldn't find my mom, didn't know where she was, and was concerned that perhaps something happened with my dad, or, uh... she just left, and, well, he'd called everyone, and, uhh...

Needless to say, when I got the message I immediately called my mom.

She was fine.

Her husband had found her hours ago. He'd forgotten that she'd told him goodbye this AM and she was at the meeting she'd told him she would be attending.

Is this going to happen to me when I get to be their age?

Bar: countdown

1 week from right now, I'll be in the stupid exam.

Thank goodness. It's about time to end this madness. I want my life back.

7 days. I'm so relieved. For me, the hard part is over. I found it difficult to motivate myself to put in the time to finish what I wanted to do for the last few weeks, but somehow I dug deep and managed to get most of it done.

And now, the motivation isn't a problem. This morning, I feel like how I feel with half a mile left on a run and I decide to finish at some ridiculous pace that I can't really sustain. I tell myself, you can do *anything* for half a mile, let's just get this over with. Then I just focus on my breathing, and before I know it, I'm done.

Bar: A pleasant surprise?

A few weeks back, I had to face the fact that I really needed help on the essays, so I ordered some more materials and added some additional essays to the already jam-packed schedule.

Unfortunately, something had to give.

So, I substituted bar essays for training for and running in a gorgeous half-marathon in wine country. This was the second year in a row where I'd paid the entrance fee to that race and then had to bail because life got in the way. (You can guarantee I'll try to do it next year, now it's personal...)

But, I found a way to replace my runs and study by doing walks and flashcards. Initially, I did it alone, babbling out loud to myself, and no doubt making my neighbors certain that I was crazy.

More recently, A and I go together. Every day, we quiz each other, we walk, and we vent. On average, we do about 1-2 hours of good solid review per day. It's a nice way to break up the day. And oddly, stuff seems to stick better with the change of scenery and the physical exertion.

Apparently, it's a nice way to get more exercise than I realized as well. I added up my mileage for last week and was shocked to find that although I only went for two runs, I managed to clock in 33.9 miles on the shoes.

At this rate, I should be on track to be able to run a half-marathon within a few weeks of the bar without any problem. What a pleasant surprise.

Bar: This sucks

I think this is another low point.

I can see the bar coming. It's close enough to have me mildly stressed. It's still far enough away, however, that I'm daunted at the idea of keeping this up for the remaining 8 days. Those 8 days seem very long.

Plus, my dad is still in the hospital and I'm just generally bummed about that. He's slowly getting better, but he's depressed and not as healthy as he wants to be.

I found out through the family grapevine that he got some mildly bad news a few days ago, which he has been hiding from me. Ordinarily, I'm in constant contact with the nurses and I know about his health better than he does. But right now, I can't do the multiple phone calls, the waiting on hold, the sweet-talking of the stressed out nurses. So I'm in the dark.

Even in the hospital, he wants to take care of me. He's my dad.

And I want to be there to take care of him. Being there seems more important than this daily onslaught of cramming and spewing law that wouldn't pass muster in any acceptable legal practice anywhere.

But, he's not in any state where I can do anything for him. I want to go for selfish reasons, to assuage my guilt, and to get away from all of this. He wants me here. Studying.

Like I said. This sucks.

Good Quote


Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance toward the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point. climb slowly, steadily, enjoying each passing moment; and the view from the summit will serve as a fitting climax for the journey.


-- Harold V. Melchert, courtesy of Jeff Adachi's intro to the contracts chapter.

Bar: New Least Favorite Subject

Dear California Bar Examiners:

Constitutional law is an extremely inappropriate subject to test under the "memorize an outline and spit it out" approach. You may have noticed that con law is a big grey box of wishy-washiness.

Unfortunately, your graders have 2.5 minutes per essay and need bold headings, tests with 3 prongs, and conclusive answers.

This makes Con Law my new least favorite subject.

Just thought you might want to know.

Sincerely,

BT

Awww...

Our neighbor across the street is turning 15 today. He's out in his front yard with all of his friends. The boys are vaguely identical, each with black T-shirts that are two sizes too big and longish hair that falls in their faces. There are also a few girls who look about 5 years older than all of the boys.

Earlier this week, I found a piece of paper sticking out of the mailbox. Basically, it said:

"My band will be playing at my birthday party at 3 PM. Please come check us out. If you don't come, please note that the drums will be loud. Please do not call the police."

I'm all for it. I'm bummed I'm locked in the house. I think it would be fun to go watch and listen to a band of 15-year-olds play music. From what I've heard of his practice, they should be somewhat decent. Plus, for once, it's not us making the annoying noise.

Too bad I've got to stay inside and study Con Law. Which, by the way, contains WAY too many intricate details to fit nicely into the remaining open space in my brain.

Oh, there goes the band. Boy, they are loud. He wasn't kidding. At least I can listen and study...

Surprise!

The doorbell just rang. I'm looking pretty hot these days (Why yes, these are the same men's boxer shorts that I was wearing all day yesterday. Thank you for noticing.)

Needless to say, I didn't make the FedEx guy's day.

But he made mine. Big box full of candy, cookies, etc, from the firm!

I heart unexpected indulgence food while I'm studying.

Okay. Back to property.

Asian-inspired BBQ

In celebration of the night off I took last night, I present the beef recipe I made/adapted, which along with the spicy soba salad and macaroons made for a wonderful day of cooking study breaks. Today, the day of leftovers, promises to be more focused.

Lemon grass beef skewers

1 lb sirloin, trimmed and sliced into 1/8 inch strips
1/4 white onion, chopped into pieces that will fit on skewers (Approx 1/2 in X 1/2 in)
1 green bell pepper, seeded and chopped into similar size pieces as onion
2 serrano chiles, seeded (or unseeded if you are a spice lover)
rice vinegar
olive oil
splash of red and white wine (if you have it laying around)
1 bunch of cilantro
2 stocks of lemon grass, outer layer peeled off and chopped
1-2 tsp sugar.

Directions: Put sirloin strips, onion and bell pepper pieces into a dish for marinating. Puree remaining ingredients in food processor and pour over meat and vegetables. Let sit in the fridge for a few hours. Prepare skewers by sticking the skewer through the meat at one end, then a piece of vegetable, then accordion the meat back, then another vegetable and so on until you need to use another piece of meat. Grill until the meat is done to your desired amount. Remove from skewers and enjoy.

Happy Friday!

Bar: hints for those who are dense like me

Say it with me now: DO NOT THINK.

The California bar wants to see that you can memorize an outline and do a cursory recitation and cut-and-paste.

Issue spotting is really just pasting an outline into the answer and filling in half of the items with, "this is not an issue because there are no facts to indicate..."

Take for example, an essay question that says, "Bob moves for summary judgment on the grounds that he was not legally responsible for Peter's injuries. Did the court properly grant his motion?"

Please forget about every motion for summary judgment you've ever read or written. This is not a motion for summary judgment on the grounds of lack of "legal causation." Sure, it might look like that is the issue of law upon which relief is requested. But no.

In bar land, a motion for summary judgment says to the court, "I say there are no issues of triable fact, tell me otherwise." The whole burden on the moving party thing... yeah, ignore that. The burden is never on the bar examiners.

Just follow the outline, do one paragraph with a heading for every element of negligence and ignore the fact that an MSJ usually asks the court to find identified and argued issues to be true or false as a matter of law. They wanna see their duty, breach, causation, and damages even if they don't ask for 'em.

They wanna see their outlines. I'm supposed to give 'em back their outlines. Why is this so hard for me to understand?

Bar: Multiple Choice Questions Question

Do any of you have an opinion about the "released questions?"

Seems to me like they are the easiest set of questions I've done for every subject that I've done 'em for. Easier than the BarBri simulated exam. Way easier than the PMBR questions, along the lines of the BarBri introductory questions for the topic, if not easier.

I've heard many people claim that PMBR questions are more indicative of the type of questions you will see on the MBE. But I was under the impression that the released questions in the Barbri MDR were actually NCBE questions.

So, I'd love some feedback from those of you who are in this madness or who've been there before.

If I only have time to do one set, should I take solace in the released questions or keep pushing through on the PMBR questions?

Thanks in advance.

**UPDATE: So, thanks to Frolics & Detours we have a theory: the released questions are easy because NCBE doesn't release their tricks. Makes sense. Also, I thought you could order actual MBE questions from them, but it turns out, you can only order "sample" exams, one of which is reproduced in the released questions in the MDR. So, PMBR it is.