I think it's dangerous to make sweeping generalizations, about anything, and regard them as absolutes. Of course there are relationships and marriages where both the husband and wife contribute equitably to the union. Of course there are marriages where each partner is satisfied with the other's level of contribution (whether it is, from an outsider's view, equitable or not). I think that by writing "all husbands" and "all wives" Maushart discredits her point of view.
With that said, however, based on my experience and that of many of my friends, even the most independent-minded women are surprised, and confused, when traditional marital roles sneak, surreptitiously, into their marriage. I am in my early thirties. I am divorced after a pretty-good, but not completely satisfying, 6-year marriage. My parents had a "traditional" marriage. They got married while at university. Mom didn't finish her degree because she had a child. Dad did. Dad was the primary breadwinner. Mom stayed home with the children until we started school then she worked part time. Even though I saw this as a model, I was told, by both my parents, and by outside influences, "You can have it all. You can have a satisfying career. You can travel. You can find a partner who will respect all these things, help with the housework, be kind, sensitive, and present for your emotional needs." This may be possible. I didn't find that person.
Both my husband and I automatically fell into roles we had seen our parents perform (even though we consciously tried not to). The role of "wife" was new to me. Though I had been told one thing, I had seen another. Many times, the role I had observed was the role I took on. So maybe marriages in which division of labor is more equitable will be more common in the future, where young women and men will have had role models for this behavior.
In hindsight, however, I wonder, hmmmmmm. I was told about all the benefits I would derive from a wonderful, modern-day marriage. Yet, I wasn't told about the sacrifices I would need to make (because there are many). I wasn't told how much work our relationship would take. I wasn't taught how to compromise. How many people (women and men) are taught these things? How realistic are our expectations? How hard are we willing to work to accomplish them?
Sunday, March 31, 2002
Elevating from the comments
I'm elevating this discussion of marriage/men/women from the comment box to post level for further noodling. The conversation spawned from Anita's post that discussed the book Wife Work by Susan Maushart, which was reviewed in Salon. The book is also available and reviewed on Amazon.
In the Publisher's Weekley editorial review on Amazon, we read this about the book: "Wifework, 'the care and maintenance of men's bodies, minds and egos' is a one-way street, says Maushart, something wives do for husbands at great cost to their mental and physical health, with minimal reciprocation. According to her, even fully employed wives do a disproportionate amount of housework, in addition to 'child-care drudgework,' 'monitoring His physical well-being,' "deferring to His agenda in day-to-day conversation,' maintaining 'His extended family relationships,' etc. Maushart (The Mask of Motherhood) counters that he, in contrast, is merely a 'volunteer' in the marriage; apart from providing an income, he's really only expected to 'turn up" at family events.' "
I agree with the comments by fellow blog sisters that said we all bring our own unique perspective to our interpretations of messages like this. But still. It bothers me too. This isn't what being a husband or a wife is about. It seems she has an axe to grind against men. And in reading all the reviews and comments, it's clear that Maushart, having her way, would do away with marriage. I might buy the book--but more than likely I'll wait until I can get it at the library. It wouldn't bother me as much if she had said, "my marriage..." or "inadequate husbands..." or "wives who have had their self-confidence ripped away at the hands of damaging husbands." It's more her approach of Wives are this, and husbands are that. Men do nothing. Women do everything. P-u-h-l-e-a-s-e. Am I the only one who doesn't buy that?
In the Publisher's Weekley editorial review on Amazon, we read this about the book: "Wifework, 'the care and maintenance of men's bodies, minds and egos' is a one-way street, says Maushart, something wives do for husbands at great cost to their mental and physical health, with minimal reciprocation. According to her, even fully employed wives do a disproportionate amount of housework, in addition to 'child-care drudgework,' 'monitoring His physical well-being,' "deferring to His agenda in day-to-day conversation,' maintaining 'His extended family relationships,' etc. Maushart (The Mask of Motherhood) counters that he, in contrast, is merely a 'volunteer' in the marriage; apart from providing an income, he's really only expected to 'turn up" at family events.' "
I agree with the comments by fellow blog sisters that said we all bring our own unique perspective to our interpretations of messages like this. But still. It bothers me too. This isn't what being a husband or a wife is about. It seems she has an axe to grind against men. And in reading all the reviews and comments, it's clear that Maushart, having her way, would do away with marriage. I might buy the book--but more than likely I'll wait until I can get it at the library. It wouldn't bother me as much if she had said, "my marriage..." or "inadequate husbands..." or "wives who have had their self-confidence ripped away at the hands of damaging husbands." It's more her approach of Wives are this, and husbands are that. Men do nothing. Women do everything. P-u-h-l-e-a-s-e. Am I the only one who doesn't buy that?
Saturday, March 30, 2002
Blogsticker Thomas
Could you spare $19.00 (U.S.) to help a kid raise money to battle his cancer (and others', if he has a lot of success), in a way that illustrates the power of the Web? If so, visit Thomas Pacheco's site (which just went live yesterday) and Blogsticker Thomas! If not, definitely give him a link. Also, see Gary Turner's due diligence about the whole endeavor.
He, She It.
While it didn't get great reviews, I really liked Marge Piercy's sci-fi novel that intertwines the myth of the Jewish "golem" with the contruction of a cyborg that winds up being every woman's dream man (or at least as close to it as the main female character/scientist can get him to be). Since we've been posting about our struggles with men in relationship to us I thought I'd mention He, She, It. What if we could build and program our own?
While it didn't get great reviews, I really liked Marge Piercy's sci-fi novel that intertwines the myth of the Jewish "golem" with the contruction of a cyborg that winds up being every woman's dream man (or at least as close to it as the main female character/scientist can get him to be). Since we've been posting about our struggles with men in relationship to us I thought I'd mention He, She, It. What if we could build and program our own?
A Book for Couples
This post sort of deals with issues raised by the previous two. While I admit that my experience tends to validate Mushart's findings (see previous post), I am not without hope that things can be different.
A Book for Couples by Hugh and Gayle Prather is one I wish I had read early in my marriage. Of course, it wouldn't have done much good unless my husband had read and internalized it as well. But since then, I've given it to my daughter and her husband (they both have read it and it continues to inspire and inform the way they relate in difficult times). Last month I loaned my copy to a friend who recently ended a relationship that she had high hopes for. After reading only a part of it, she went out and bought four more copies for people she knows who are stuggling to find ways to make their marriages do more than just survive. A marriage becomes a third entity: there's him, her, and the marriage; both people have to give equal attention to that third entity. So, that's my recommendation for your reading "pleasure" after you read the Salon article mentioned by Anita in the previous post.
This post sort of deals with issues raised by the previous two. While I admit that my experience tends to validate Mushart's findings (see previous post), I am not without hope that things can be different.
A Book for Couples by Hugh and Gayle Prather is one I wish I had read early in my marriage. Of course, it wouldn't have done much good unless my husband had read and internalized it as well. But since then, I've given it to my daughter and her husband (they both have read it and it continues to inspire and inform the way they relate in difficult times). Last month I loaned my copy to a friend who recently ended a relationship that she had high hopes for. After reading only a part of it, she went out and bought four more copies for people she knows who are stuggling to find ways to make their marriages do more than just survive. A marriage becomes a third entity: there's him, her, and the marriage; both people have to give equal attention to that third entity. So, that's my recommendation for your reading "pleasure" after you read the Salon article mentioned by Anita in the previous post.
Why do women wed?
For your reading pleasure over the weekend.
A new book "argues that women put much more work into marriage than men do, and asks why they bother." Called Wifework, the book by Susan Maushart has been reviewed by Ann Marlowe of Salon.
An excerpt: "Maushart tells us that men think they are doing a favor by ineptly "helping out" around the house; men do the fun child-care tasks like playing and avoid the diapering, bathing and disciplining. Men trivialize the work they don't like, including cleaning, but are happy to enjoy its fruits. They won't "do intimacy" but require constant emotional stroking. They impose their food preferences on the whole family. They forget about foreplay as soon as they're married. They put their children to bed in their day clothes and wash dishes without detergent. It's a sorry litany, but also an old one, of which the most original part is Maushart's indictment of men's inability to reciprocate the emotional care they receive from their wives."
Read the whole article here.
A new book "argues that women put much more work into marriage than men do, and asks why they bother." Called Wifework, the book by Susan Maushart has been reviewed by Ann Marlowe of Salon.
An excerpt: "Maushart tells us that men think they are doing a favor by ineptly "helping out" around the house; men do the fun child-care tasks like playing and avoid the diapering, bathing and disciplining. Men trivialize the work they don't like, including cleaning, but are happy to enjoy its fruits. They won't "do intimacy" but require constant emotional stroking. They impose their food preferences on the whole family. They forget about foreplay as soon as they're married. They put their children to bed in their day clothes and wash dishes without detergent. It's a sorry litany, but also an old one, of which the most original part is Maushart's indictment of men's inability to reciprocate the emotional care they receive from their wives."
Read the whole article here.
Friday, March 29, 2002
I Made It
After 2 of the almost longest weeks of my life, I am finally all moved to my new funky apartment in Bellingham. It's in an older building, maybe an old hotel from the 20's or 30's? Hardwood floors, lots of original architecture. Brand new appliances in the kitchen, new sink and tub in the bathroom. A tiny bedroom that pretty much only can contain my bed. Boxes everywhere. Can't get my satellite dish to work, so I'm watching Adult Swim cartoons that I've recorded. Boxes are everywhere. I can't find anything. My hands are all beat up and my muscles are sore from carrying all my junk. Why do I own so much junk? I'm tempted to swear off all earthly possessions. Except for my laptop, so I can still blog.
Thursday, March 28, 2002
Original Blogger
What follows is a transcription of an answering machine message received last night from my 92-year old grandmother, who for as long as I can remember (and longer, obviously) has kept a "little plaid book" where she chronicles milestones and minutiae. She frequently reminds me that "on this day in 19__, you [graduated high school : knocked out your front teeth on the back fence : etc.]."
-Denis-ee, it's Nani. Are you there? No. Ok...
-Well, I just wanted to tell you I was looking in my little plaid book and on March 27, 1965, you were one week old, and I was there taking care of you and your mother.
-I was talking to you all the time, and your mother said to me: "Why are you talking to the baby all the time? She can't understand you." And I told her, "Denisee understands, she understands everything."
-So, just wanted to let you know. Ok honey? Ok. Give a big hug to Rich. Ok? Bye, honey.
I have a digital answering machine with no tape, no way to save or transfer the messages. But now Nani's here with the rest of us, who well appreciate the importance of the milestones and minutiae.
-P.S.: On her own answering machine, Nani continues to wish us all "A Saint Paddy's Day" on March 17.
-Denis-ee, it's Nani. Are you there? No. Ok...
-Well, I just wanted to tell you I was looking in my little plaid book and on March 27, 1965, you were one week old, and I was there taking care of you and your mother.
-I was talking to you all the time, and your mother said to me: "Why are you talking to the baby all the time? She can't understand you." And I told her, "Denisee understands, she understands everything."
-So, just wanted to let you know. Ok honey? Ok. Give a big hug to Rich. Ok? Bye, honey.
I have a digital answering machine with no tape, no way to save or transfer the messages. But now Nani's here with the rest of us, who well appreciate the importance of the milestones and minutiae.
-P.S.: On her own answering machine, Nani continues to wish us all "A Saint Paddy's Day" on March 17.
Why ARE we so quiet???
I was wondering that myself, Anita. Maybe BSers are commenting but our comment feature keeps coming and going?
Maybe because we save all the good stuff for our own blogs? Maybe we've run out of things to say?
I've been ruminating about all of that myself because we starting out sharing all kinds of interesting and sometimes personal stuff. And I liked that because we weren't dealing with discussing the technology itself -- which is what many other blogs I read do. We were demonstrating how that very technology can be used to form a dynamic community that could never exist anywhere else.
So where is everyone? Watching the A&E "Biography" program on Mary Magdalene that they taped on Tuesday? (Just a reminder that Salome is featured tonight.) If I had access to the comments, I would look back at one (of course, I can't remember who posted the comment) recommending a novel based on the female in question's take on biblical events. What I wanted to say was that, while I find those kinds of fictionalized histories great and affirming reads, what I'm really interested in is what the "whole" history really is -- that is the history that hasn't been told because the original tellers were men and therefore writing from their perspective and for the purpose of promoting their own agendas. I'm not talking about "revising" history; I talking about expanding the perspective (through more inclusive research) of what we have accepted (and are accepting) as accurate history.
So, in that vein, I'm very curious to see what "Biography" does with Adam and Eve, as well, which was scheduled for Friday but has been replaced with Dudley Moore, who recently passed away (at an age only four years older than I am now.) I would imagine that they will be doing Milton Berle next week. Uncle Miltie was a weekly staple on our black and white miniature TV back in Yonkers, New York in 1948. He brought transvestitism into our very living rooms and we loved it. He is the icon of Drag Queens. He played right to the camera with his zany "off-side" remarks, and we laughed and loud and loved every minute of his stap-stick antics. Good-bye Uncle Miltie.
So that's what I'm thinking about. What are you thinking about???? Huh?? Huh??
I was wondering that myself, Anita. Maybe BSers are commenting but our comment feature keeps coming and going?
Maybe because we save all the good stuff for our own blogs? Maybe we've run out of things to say?
I've been ruminating about all of that myself because we starting out sharing all kinds of interesting and sometimes personal stuff. And I liked that because we weren't dealing with discussing the technology itself -- which is what many other blogs I read do. We were demonstrating how that very technology can be used to form a dynamic community that could never exist anywhere else.
So where is everyone? Watching the A&E "Biography" program on Mary Magdalene that they taped on Tuesday? (Just a reminder that Salome is featured tonight.) If I had access to the comments, I would look back at one (of course, I can't remember who posted the comment) recommending a novel based on the female in question's take on biblical events. What I wanted to say was that, while I find those kinds of fictionalized histories great and affirming reads, what I'm really interested in is what the "whole" history really is -- that is the history that hasn't been told because the original tellers were men and therefore writing from their perspective and for the purpose of promoting their own agendas. I'm not talking about "revising" history; I talking about expanding the perspective (through more inclusive research) of what we have accepted (and are accepting) as accurate history.
So, in that vein, I'm very curious to see what "Biography" does with Adam and Eve, as well, which was scheduled for Friday but has been replaced with Dudley Moore, who recently passed away (at an age only four years older than I am now.) I would imagine that they will be doing Milton Berle next week. Uncle Miltie was a weekly staple on our black and white miniature TV back in Yonkers, New York in 1948. He brought transvestitism into our very living rooms and we loved it. He is the icon of Drag Queens. He played right to the camera with his zany "off-side" remarks, and we laughed and loud and loved every minute of his stap-stick antics. Good-bye Uncle Miltie.
So that's what I'm thinking about. What are you thinking about???? Huh?? Huh??
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
OK. I went for the t-shirt.
Since I already drink my tea from a Geekforce mug, I just ordered a BlogSisters t-shirt. Can't wait to wear it around out in the real world. Maybe I'd better do a little hand-out to explain what it is.
Since I already drink my tea from a Geekforce mug, I just ordered a BlogSisters t-shirt. Can't wait to wear it around out in the real world. Maybe I'd better do a little hand-out to explain what it is.
Does anyone know if this is for real?
I got the following email from a friend. Has anyone else heard this? If it's true, we should publicize it; if not, I'll let my friend know so that she can communicate the truth back to whoever sent the mail to her.
This is something from the State Police -- Please read this "very carefully"...then send it out to all the people online that you know.
Something like this is nothing to take casually; this is something you DO want to pay attention to. Think of it as a bit of advice too. If a person with the screen-name of SweetCaliGuy4evr contacts you, do not reply. DO not talk to this person; do not answer any of his/her instant Messages or e-mail. Whoever this person may be, he/she is a suspect for murder in the death of 56 women (so far) contacted through the Internet.
Please send this to all the women on your buddy list and ask them to pass this on, as well. This screen-name was seen on Yahoo, AOL, and Excite, so far. This is not a joke! Please send this to men too...just in case!
????
I got the following email from a friend. Has anyone else heard this? If it's true, we should publicize it; if not, I'll let my friend know so that she can communicate the truth back to whoever sent the mail to her.
This is something from the State Police -- Please read this "very carefully"...then send it out to all the people online that you know.
Something like this is nothing to take casually; this is something you DO want to pay attention to. Think of it as a bit of advice too. If a person with the screen-name of SweetCaliGuy4evr contacts you, do not reply. DO not talk to this person; do not answer any of his/her instant Messages or e-mail. Whoever this person may be, he/she is a suspect for murder in the death of 56 women (so far) contacted through the Internet.
Please send this to all the women on your buddy list and ask them to pass this on, as well. This screen-name was seen on Yahoo, AOL, and Excite, so far. This is not a joke! Please send this to men too...just in case!
????
Monday, March 25, 2002
History is the story told from the perspective of the teller (or writer).
I just watched a "biography" of Jezebel on the A&E channel. Later tonight, I will post something on my own blog related to "herstory." Meanwhile, Jezebel's story will be repeated this Sunday at 7 p.m. Bios of Mary Magdalene, Salome, and Adam and Eve air during this week at 8 p.m. The schedule's on the web site. Not to be missed for women who are tired of having history told by some "men of faith" who have skewed the telling of it for their own purposes. And if you're really interested in hearing a well documented "other side of the story," you might want to read the very scholarly book: The Feminist Guide to Mythology edited by Carolyn Larrington. For more accessible writing on similar topics, check out Barbara Walker's books -- Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets and The Women's Dictionary of Symbols and Sacred Objects. These books are bound to broaden your perspective on the things we have been taught about the place of women in the spiritual (and political) development of the human race.
I just watched a "biography" of Jezebel on the A&E channel. Later tonight, I will post something on my own blog related to "herstory." Meanwhile, Jezebel's story will be repeated this Sunday at 7 p.m. Bios of Mary Magdalene, Salome, and Adam and Eve air during this week at 8 p.m. The schedule's on the web site. Not to be missed for women who are tired of having history told by some "men of faith" who have skewed the telling of it for their own purposes. And if you're really interested in hearing a well documented "other side of the story," you might want to read the very scholarly book: The Feminist Guide to Mythology edited by Carolyn Larrington. For more accessible writing on similar topics, check out Barbara Walker's books -- Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets and The Women's Dictionary of Symbols and Sacred Objects. These books are bound to broaden your perspective on the things we have been taught about the place of women in the spiritual (and political) development of the human race.
vast bunch of linkssssssssssss
Lots of women-and-net related Links I've just begun exploring. (p.s., I emailed and asked them to consider adding Blog Sisters.) Warning: Time kind of slips by as you get lost in this web of resources!
-j.
-j.
At My Age, This Is Hilarious
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get that damned jar open."
Friday, March 22, 2002
Wonder Woman Lives
At least in olde time postcards.
I'll teach these hounds of Hades what it costs to insult an Amazon! SMASH!
At least in olde time postcards.
I'll teach these hounds of Hades what it costs to insult an Amazon! SMASH!
Why Blogsisters Flock Together...
"Friends are much more important to women than men, and they talk about highly personal topics," said Dr Michael Argyle, psychology professor at Oxford University.
"Men don't have friends like that."
This research might explain to an extent why women flock together. Check out what else the good Dr Argyle has to say.
Now, we also have research to back us!!
This other report should be even more encouraging: "Women know what they want from the internet and spend less time than men getting it, according to analyst firm Jupiter MMXI."
"Men don't have friends like that."
This research might explain to an extent why women flock together. Check out what else the good Dr Argyle has to say.
Now, we also have research to back us!!
This other report should be even more encouraging: "Women know what they want from the internet and spend less time than men getting it, according to analyst firm Jupiter MMXI."
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