Kelly funnies 2019

Jan 1 i discover lisa and rachel have been taking turns hiding books for the other to find. They are library books. This explains so much.

February 7. To be filed under Rules I shouldnt have to make “We dont use tooth brushes to clean slime!” Why do i have slime? And yes its in her hair and on her legs and... lisa. Good thing you are cute Chris not your toothbrush. I checked.

March 17 Celebration is in order. We have graduated! Yesterday. It was the first full day in approximately 8,352 days, that I did not change a diaper or clean up any associated type of mess. Can you hear the angels? I’m under no illusions that she is “potty trained”. I expect some messy days ahead, because that’s how learning works. I did spend quite a bit of time in the bathroom with her. Including a new found appreciation for the song “let it go”. You’re welcome 😜. But. 😍

March 27 my yoga practice this morning can best be described in the immortal words of my 3yo, "Mom! not like that!" as she points to the screen thinking maybe I haven't seen it properly.

April 9 The endings of a Family prayer-how lovely the 8 yo mentions she thinks she saw a spider in her room. 15 yo son “comforts” her by saying he has multiple spiders in his room, they are his ”friends.” At this point the sleepy, happy, family magic feeling is long gone and has been replaced by terror. 8 yo is googling black widows and brown recluses. 15 yo comforts 6 yo that he is sure SHE doesn’t have any spiders in her room. At worst she would have a cockroach She hates cockroaches. Ahh Arent we all relaxed and ready for bedtime?

April 14 Things I have said and done on an average sunday: “Lisa take off your dress and mommy will try to staple it back together” -this after she tore a hole in her dress to show me her belly button - stapling mostly worked “Baby tigers are reverent”- because off and on since the zoo Lisa has been a baby tiger. The baby tiger folded her paws for maybe half a second “Rachel stop playing with the paper towel rolls” “ they aren’t paper towel rolls, they are mittens of doom” ... um. “Rachel please put the mittens of doom away”

April 30- so much drama just to call people to family devotional, i take a break to pray. Lisa starts calling people to family devotional and calls it family emotional. Truer words have never been spoken. By the time the older children are gathered lisa and rachel have fought over seats, a purse and my phone. They are crying loudly. They calm down while we sing I am a child of God. Lisa calms down to sit in my lap and rachel is reading books-prayer works this might be great. Then i ask ben to pray and both little girls lose it. I stick to my guns and he prays over whimpering. Hannah is grumpy she doesn't read first, becca is grumpy if hannah does read first Lisa wants to read or doesn't and doesn't want anyone else to read she cries and holds us all hostage with indistinct answers. We move on and read a few verses. We might have actually thought something for a second there . At some point abi starts mooing or snoring, i am unsure which. We accidentally reread a verse which is apparently horrible. The 15 yo checks how many verses there are to read and announces it frequently to inspire/ depress us. Becca announces she never ate breakfast and since she is about to starve, she warms up a waffle. We get to verse 17 at which point we all decide that since mom is now emotional too, family emotional is complete.

June 18 You know it’s tjed homeschool summer school edition:: “ Mom, I’m bored, can we do math?”😍 fractions for 45 minutes ending with four kids on my bed playing with dice and writing numbers in some form or other Later. The 4 yo comes up and want “tuskudy” What? i say My 17. Yo and I debate and she keeps insisting that she is asking to study and debating on what that would look like at four My dinner is ready and we figure it out. Spaghetti. 🤣

6/25 Driving to church and catching a glimpse of 15 yo son’s brothering 4 yo is spitting at him and he keeps saying “ you missed”. “ you missed again”. She is thrilled Feel the love

7/16 On our grand adventure to reunion and a wedding- Lisa says “I like we car house mama”. Thanks uncle david!

10/29. Seminary. We are acting out parables- what we learned? Blind people don't like high fives, and use your prayerachute

11/17 lisa wisdom: Pixies named Flower do not eat bananas or puffy pancakes or oatmeal They just eat dinosaurs So. Um. If you see a 4 yo rabidly scarfing food in church today, it could be because that momma was plum out of dinosaur And yes I have already suggested that the dinosaurs were blended in with the puffy pancakes. No dice .

12/19. Seminary. Ben after a morning of jokes and silliness says “ I think its interesting that first we have thanksgiving where we think of all He has given us, then we have christmas and focus on all we can give to others”.

12/20. We are enjoying Natalie and Kalani home. We are playing rummy. Then a naked and wet Lisa walks up. “Did you take a shower”, I ask. “ yes because I fell and had to wash the paint off”. Where was the paint” I ask, alarmed because i hadn't given her any paint. “ on your bed.” She replies casually Um. Slight momma pause in the rummy game. Yes there is paint on my new sheets

12/29 Susan “I wanted to be a school teacher before I realized that meant dealing with children and knowing what I am talking about “. The sarcasm runs high with that one

2017 laugh your way through

1/8 family clean up always ends up with bizarre conversations. I walk in on someone saying "necromancy", so I say "Hmmm necromancy" and Ben interrupts "MOM don't get dad into necromancy! It's not what you think and it's definitely not what he's been doing!"

1/18 Lydia, "Having a crock pot is like having house elves!"

1/22 Ben, "It's supposed to be a Sun... day...not a no sun day. "

Rachel, "It's not Sun day anymore...it's moon night."

1/19 The problem of my morning (besides 2 little people awake before 5) "Mom! I just can't draw the blackberry monster!" says Rachel...she's completely serious and is unimpressed that I have no idea what she's talking about.

1/25 Kalani comes home from serving a mission in San Jose, California for 18 months. We hugged. We followed her around the house. I checked on her while she was sleeping.

2/10 a normal family devotional in the kelly home today included teh word "fornication" 20 times and Lisa "SHHHUSSSSHHHING" very loudly with interpretive dance. Feel the peace.

2/17 overheard while my children play the game of life: "lawyers are WAY better than teachers!" " I HATE honeymoons!" "I shouldn't even BE married!" "NOOOOOO TAXES!!"

2/17 the 15yo daughter is definitely willing to watch basketball with dad in ONE situation...When she's watching Jimmer Ferdette who is currently playing in China. Kanji everywhere. She is mesmerized. If only those guys in the foreground would get out of the way.

4/6/2107 The day in which I am the adultiest adult around but am desperate to find an adultier adult. We have chickens. I was unaware of what that would mean. I heard they were easy. Through out food and water, collect eggs. EASY. Today the children discovered one of the chickens had a prolapse (part of her eggs creating body was on the OUTSIDE of her body. This is bad. I google. It's called a vent prolapse though this looks far more like alien then what I think of when I hear 'vent'. every darn site says this is something the owner handles and gives steps. I call a few vets. they all say it's ridiculous. I should handle it. um.

I dress in my worst clothes and most poop secure boots. I arm myself with a towel and warm water to see if I can calm her down and clean her first. The lovely chicken melts into my arms. With all their beaks and claws, they are remarkable patients. I proceed to bath a chicken. I just. I discover quickly that the other chickens really do peck a chick while she's down. It's horrible! They've been laying eggs together and eating worms together for months...aren't they bonded? One little problem and they go all Hunger Games on this poor lady! We move to the front yard and I round up some gaurds that keep the chickens away.

read that sugar water can shrink the prolapsed part and make it easy to gently push it back in. I search my house up and down for sugar. I normally don't buy sugar..haven't for years (I now have what I call "chicken sugar" on hand-not for eating children...this is for chickens!). I finally found a small bit of old brown sugar. I hope it's enough. Miraculously warm sugar water does just what it says it does on youtube...her swollen little insides shrink a little.

now have cleaned and sugared the chicken. All that is left is to gently smush the insides back inside the chicken. um. um. I recall a quote from a woman I love "How did a nice girl like me end up in a place like this?" I review my wedding vows mentally...nothing. NOTHING in there about this. No adulting class ever covered this. I gently smush. All the sites suggest a bare hand is THE only way. I have gloves. I try. I coax. I talk I try harder. I cry. poor chicken. I take breaks. I rethink my life and consider simpler days when all I did was keep a ball from touching the floor. I have long since taken my gloves off. My hands will never be the same. I smush.I pray. I smush. I rewatch the youtube video for the umpteenth time.

finally get her all situated. I find a place for her to be away from those awful mean girls. I feel traumatized..surely not like the poor chicken. She walks gingerly away. I want to boil myself and eat a pound or ten of chocolate.

4/9 We get to church and Rachel starts kissing me loudly as they're doing announcements. My cheeks, my nose, my forehead, then she drops down and starts kissing my chest and commenting how VERY squishy my "tummy" is. We distract her and the baby with lotion and before we know it there is lotion everywhere. They start rubbing it all over my legs and every bit of available skin. By this time chris and I are only mostly containing our laughter and we can see some shaking shoulders in front of us...church with the kellys.

5/10 Ben frequently changes the lyrics to songs. Mostly it's just goofy. Today it was just true "There is beauty all around, when there's pizza at home"

5/18 Hannah skipping through the house and singing at full volume "some body once told me the world is macaroni..."

6/19 Going clothes shopping for the 13 yo...we need shoes and pants. He just GROWS. As I'm about to park, I can hear the 4yo unbuckling. "Please wait until I park sweetie". I say.

PARK?? We're going to the park? WHERE? I can't see it?"

. this is NOT going to go well.

hurry. she grumps. In the store when we were almost done a "nice" store person hands the grumpy 4yo a gigantic stuffed mini mouse. It's as big as her. She is thrilled. um. no. I tell her we can't take it home. It lives in the store. The same store guy says, "no, you can buy it!"

we left the store with one protester in tow, "YOU promised we were going to the park!!! AND you wouldn't let me keep my mini!"

7/18 Lydia "So...It's like you're dropped into a foreign country and can't speak the language but they are totally dependent on you to meet their needs. The people end up crying sometimes to get their needs met. You've been doing this for 21 years and you STILL can't speak their language?"

"I just wait until they learn mine."

noting the reality that I still can't speak or understand baby or toddler

8/26 Harvey in which we are reminded of the power of water and the amazing love and service and determination that fills Houston.

of my funny memories from hurricane Harvey was after our power went out it took us most of one day to teach Lisa that candles were not for birthdays. Every time she saw one she would start singing and blow it out. We finally got her all trained, then we got back our power and the very next day was the twins' birthday. they blew out the candles and the look on Lisa's face!!!

9/26 The day in which I decide that it's totally legit to offer extra credit to my home schooled children if they find the contents of my purse which the toddler has lovingly hid. This started a long discussion about grades and points and extra credit...I've never graded them. You know it or you don't. If you don't we keep learning.

10/28 new rules in my attempt to clothe the unwilling naked "you need to be dressed to hold the kitty" (to be fair this is a rather feisty kitty...we're not sure how he survived Harvey) and "Most people who play frisbee are dressed!"

11/16 "Please bless us that no one will whine about how awful the food is!" um . it's spaghetti!

11/28 The septic guy comes today and remarks that it doesn't seem like it's been that long since he was here before. He notices a few children coming in and out of the house. "How many kids do you have?"

"11"

poor man went into a tailspin. He started pacing in a circle and repeating the number 11. I gave him some time to recover. I tried to say something encouraging. Somewhere around the fifth or sixth circle he attempts to gather himself. I can see he's completely derailed and I have messed with his concept of reality and possibly the meaning of life.

mumbles that he used to know someone once who came from a big family.

starts trying to do the math of what it would be like to have our family as opposed to a family of 6. He's lost attempting to access calculus or some such...um. just double..that's close enough.

think he short circuited. I hope he could drive okay.

/29 me: "Rachel, we don't kill our brothers at christmas"

: "We have friends!! They can do it!"

New year friends!!

Love, the Kellys

2016

1/9 Hannah asks, "Mom is it fast Sunday or slow Sunday? "Slow Sunday" I say without even a hitch. I'm well conversant in how they describe Sundays. Rebecca responds to my offer of pineapple, "I don't like that stuff, it bites my tongue.

1/10 We are having family home evening. There has already been a wrestling violation. We have stopped the song twice (and it's scripture power! which is fun and active). There have been tears because Raymond has a jammed finger and isn't lifting/throwing someone in the air for sunbeam. Since the lesson is "I can do all things throw Christ which strengtheneth me" I feel like we should keep going. I start talking about Elder Nelson's talk the night before. One of the quotes "expect and prepare to do impossible things" -is it bad I thought of the laundry first?-the second idea is that millennials can prepare for the millennial reign of the Savior. Ben looks up and says "I did NOT see THAT coming".

1/25 So at family home evening we are playing scripture story pictionary. I'm drawing a picture of a certain prophet who speaks to the people from on top of a wall. I draw a wall and some bricks on the wall and Lydia guesses "a man who is standing on a volleyball net"-yes. i remember that scripture story well same game with dad drawing this time-the story of Nephi building a boat and Raymond guesses "Nephi building Shilllp." um

3/25 perhaps we are spending enough time with shakespeare...I overhear Ben say "forsooth Batman!"

3/27 we are eating easter dinner and Rachel does NOT want ham. She wants chicken. It's just that she means HAM and she wants everyone to refer to the ham as chicken. As I'm talking her down from the ledge I'm trying to explain that this particular chicken is called...ham.

3/27 we play rummy and I win. It was slightly controversial in that as I was picking up my last card, I could already see it, Raymond says, "buy" I say "too late". He says "If we were playing with relatives THEY would let me have it!" I say "you WERE playing with relatives!" He says "I mean the relatives who aren't family!" um. I laugh and he clarifies...I mean the ones who don't live with us.

3/27 I'm sitting on the couch with my legs up playing Parchesi with Hannah. She is as she says, "good at luck". As we play Becca comes over and starts touching my bare legs. "Mom". "Where's your fur?" um what? I say? "your fur" I look down at where she is looking, clarify by asking if she is talking about he hair on my legs... and say that I shave my legs. "WHAT?" she says! well that's why you're cold all the time! I still have fur...then starts rubbing her legs and saying "soft and furry."

5/13 There are just some leaps my brain can't take. Today Rachel has been playing family with dinosaurs. She has a protoceratops dad and a triceratops mom and baby. I'm fine with them talking and living in a house. It's funny to watch her potty train the baby triceratops...but it's driving me crazy that a rooster is waking them up every morning!

5/15 Natalie says blessing on the food. Abi responds "AHHH I thought you would bless it so it could taste good!"

8/10 We're watching olympics and they announce that beach volleyball is next, Ben says "Oh Good! It's relaxing to watch other people fall down a lot"

8/18 Becca is feeling very twinny as she does every year around their birthday. She'd like to share a room again. She'd like to have more twin time. she'd like to wear matching clothes every once in a while. As she leaves the room Susan says "I think being a twin makes me want MORE time alone. I guess it's because i didn't even get time alone inside you"

8/24 The chickens are affecting our lives. Hannah is trying to describe how she feels and says "I feel like a chicken is pecking the inside of my neck" ahh you have a sore throat

8/25 We are walking through Walmart. I rarely take little people shopping. Hannah 6 is commenting on everything, the socks, the jewelry, then "oh LOOK! they even have something for babies!" We're walking by the bras.

11/19 Hannah is the "mom" and Abi and Rachel are her children...after playing for a while, she comes racing after them and pauses by my side to say "Having two children is exhausting!" Less than 10 minutes later she comes to ask for Lisa because she's just GOT to have another baby! ;) wonder where she gets it from.

12/7 As everyone comes in from wednesday church Lisa is waving and saying "Hello" very cutely. Then Chris walks in and she says "MEEOOW!" amen Lisa

12/16 on the way home from the church christmas party...my daughter says, did you hear me "BAAAHH with adoration? she was a very loud sheep, so now those who were there know...she was adoring the King in her own way. BAAAHHHHH

12/23 On the way to carol a friend. We are practicing Silent Night in the car. Rachel interrupts with "I do NOT want to sleep in heavenly peace! I don't want to sleep at all!" We know Rachel. We know.

12/24 We have a clean up and Rachel asks "Are we cleaning for Jesus?" "Yes" I say. "Is He coming to our house this weekend?" PAUSE "I hope we feel Him near us this weekend" "I wrapped Him a birthday present. Do you think Jesus likes stuffed animals?" Yes Rachel. I think He does.

2015

2-13 abigail is asking questions about the baby and asks.."is she bored in there? I mean, what if she wants to sew? could you eat a needle and thread and fabric?". "What?" I ask... "How would that work to swallow a needle?" "Good point" she says. She then asks tons of questions, but none related to the actual birds and the bees...just crazy random questions, like "how does it work that she breathes water, then she just breathes air..is she a mermaid? has any baby ever kept breathing water?"

2/17 Ben is reenacting the garden of eden. He wiggles like a snake and tells Hannah he wants her to eat of the fruit...Hannah skips away, and comes back with an apple! Jesus comes to see Hannah and takes out his spy glass to see if hannah is wearing clothes. next he casts them out of the garden...think fishing casting. huh. a fisher of men indeed.

2/21 When the baby is born we can yell and say 'she wasn't born in December!!"

2/21 Ben: "You went horse back riding?" "no. I was working." says kalani. Ben says "You worked? On a saturday, but that means, you must have allergies!"??

2/21 Hannah randomly walks up and asks "Was I adopted or what?" "No" I say "you weren't adopted." "Oh" she says, "so I was in here, or here, or here.." .as she points to different curvy body parts, that are NOT my growing baby belly.

4/19 Hannah comes waltzing in asking what is for dinner. I say "roasted vegetables". She says "apple pajamas??!??!! BLECH!" um what? how did she hear that? so I take it out of the oven, explain that while one pan is potatoes, the other has squash and carrots and zuchini..."WHAT?" says Abi! "Roasted bikini?" um. is it time to do a hearing check and whisper chocolate?

5/22 Our darling Lisa joins our family!

5/24 I'm baking my placenta on the way to encapsulating it. susan (9) says " so that's what fried you smells like"

6/6 So here we are debating whether Lisa's nickname should stay "cute baby" or whether we will ever get Rachel to say Lisa...and Abigail says, "I like the name Lisa Gloria, it's much better than Lisa Pigstomper". yes. this is true. Though I can't say we ever considered Lisa Pigstomper.

7/8 Kalani entered the MTC to prepare for 18 months of service in San Jose, CA

8/29 "I wish we lived in Africa" Hannah says with a sad face. "Why?" I ask "Because I miss my old friends" "You mean your old friends that live 45 minutes away instead of on the other side of the globe?"

9/2 You know how they name colors? how there are different kinds of white:ecru, opal, diamond... Hannah will most likely NOT have that job. Yesterday in the park I was pushing Hannah in the swing and we were playing "I spy" She has the cutest little voice and I love to hear her say "I spy with my little eye..." One time she was trying to be more specific on the color and she said "I spy with my little eye something chicken white. " um.

9/11 Life with a 2yo...I ate my dinner one handed. I wasn't holding Lisa-she was happily playing on her blanket. Rachel's dolly was screaming apparently and I needed to hold her. Rachel is now pretending to be my puppy and we are playing fetch.

10/5 So I was walking out of Walmart with Natalie. I was pushing the cart and she was holding Lisa. There was this guy at the front of the store trying to sell pictures and he said to natalie "I know you want pictures of that beautiful baby", then to me "how about you grandma! You..." we didn't hear anything else. we were laughing too hard!I'm not sure if I want to know which is more likely...if natalie were a mom or me a grandma! (age wise, not age of children wise ;) )

10/30 dinner conversation...Chris' is grilling inside because RAIN. He's asking who wants a cheeseburger and who wants a hamburger. Abi says...cheese burger, I don't want ham. um. the cheese is ON the ham burger. I don't want ham. the hamburger is made of beef. then why do they call it hamburger? I don't know. Because I don't want the ham. um. it's cow. trust us. cow. we spent the rest of the meal repeating the affirmation that it's cow every. single. time. someone said hamburger.

11/2 "Please bless that those who don't like the food will still love mom for making it" um. thanks Becca.

11/4 We have some coughs and sore throats, which has meant crazy, squeaky speaking voices. Ben comes up behind me and squeaks and says "I can use my high voice for evil."

11/10 Ben is reading a Louis L'Amour book called "The quick and the dead" we came across the scripture that says "quick and the dead" so I asked Ben what he thought it meant. He said, "The people who aren't quick to draw their guns are gonna be dead"

12/27 Hannah while rolling the dice for me in Parchessi and doing VERY well, she said "I'm Good at being LUCKY!"

12/28 We are continuing our star wars marathon and after watching the prequel-episode 2 Ben says "I like Darth Vadar better than Anikan."

Lisa Gloria

Thursday. It wasn't a great day. My friend, Terrie Bitner died of brain cancer. She was an amazing homeschool friend, writing mentor, and inspiring primary teacher. I was having a down day. It was also the day before the Shakespeare play. I was feeling a ton of pressure all day. I was trying to do as little as possible so I would have energy for the day of the play and all that would entail. The errands I did have, I took Kalani and she drove and did all of the running for me. I tried yoga and stretching and laying down to relieve the pressure. It was a long day. The evening I had a few signs that labor might be coming. I started thinking of all of the other times I almost made it to when I had hoped: starting the labor the day before Chris' last final during his masters program, labor the day before Christmas, labor before 37 weeks...I wondered if I would almost make it to the Shakespeare play but not quite. The timing was not stellar.

I went to bed hoping it'd just be another night of pre-labor contractions and pressure and little sleep. By midnight, I could no longer talk myself out of reality. The contractions were only 10 minutes apart and not serious by any means, but I knew it was labor. I was having heartburn issues and feeling nauseous. I did NOT want to labor and feel this way. I needed to rest before labor, but staying down wouldn't work with heartburn. I had been laying in bed timing contractions and wondering if they would all disappear. After an hour I broke the news to my husband. We debated when to call midwives when clearly my contractions were wimpy. No matter what I needed to get upright for a while. I called the midwives at about 1:30 am. Chris set up the birth pool and I puttered around getting things ready. My contractions were weak and 8 minutes apart at 2 am when Chelsea arrived. Baby and I were both fine and Natalie and her assistant Amanda showed up shortly. Although contractions were creeping closer and slightly intensifying, I started wondering how long labor would be. We had a discussion shortly after the midwives arrived about whether or not I wanted to be checked. I didn't. I don't like it. The next few contractions are buggers and it means nothing. I've been at a 7 for 7 hours. I've been at a 3 then delivered 2 hours later. Why do it? I didn't want to get into the birth pool yet, lest I slow things down. So we opted for movement. I had been laboring on my ball and leaning forward to get any contractions off my back-they were still mild, but I don't like back labor. To speed things up I walked and did squats and paced all over the house. Chris tried to rest, the contractions were so little, I needed him rested more than I needed someone to watch me waddle. Chelsea chased me down to monitor the baby where I was :) I love home birth midwives. After an hour and a half of walking and moving, my contractions were 6 minutes apart and I was starting to wonder why I would want MORE contractions, but still not much. ugh. I was tempted to rest for a while. We decided to get checked. I was a 3 maybe 4. THIS IS WHY I DON'T get checked. sigh. I wanted to cry. The next two contraction were buggers...why did i get checked? I didn't tell my husband, because I KNEW I would cry. It was 3:30 am. I was trying to talk myself down off the ledge. This didn't mean anything. Every contraction was bringing me closer to my baby. Midwife Natalie and her assistant went to the couch to rest and Chelsea monitored me by the light of her phone. 5 minutes apart.

At about 4:30 am I decided to try the water. My contractions were 5 minutes apart, but very manageable. Once I got into the water the contractions intensified. Within a few minutes I wanted my husband. The back labor was more than I wanted to handle alone. I had to get out of the water at one point and hated every second. I was glad they could monitor the baby while I was in the water. I was 4 minutes apart and vocalizing through contractions with counter pressure...my back was hurting. Chelsea massaged with oil, which felt great and Chris did counter pressure. I was on my knees for contractions, but my knees are...weak, so I'd flip over and sit down in between. I thought I was relaxing in between, but Chris would put his hand on my arm (he was sitting behind me, out of the pool) and it helped me relax and melt and give my back more of a break. Chelsea got Natalie and Amanda, and I could hear them talking about how I must be close...judging by my behavior. I was glad to hear that because I had already started to count contractions (normally when the get really hard I have less than 10 to go-I was having a hard time remembering what number I was on). Two horrible, back breaking contractions and with my vocalization Chris announced "that's a crowning noise". The water took the edge off of the pain enough that I had the wherewithal to reach down and feel my baby's head. I tried to push gently, Chris reminded me to breath. Somehow Chelsea reached across the tub to reach the baby too, which was very comforting to me. A few pushes and her head was out, Chelsea checked for a cord or any problems. I was used to the baby wooshing out once their head is delivered...not so. When I was already feeling completely split apart and broken...I couldn't imagine more.I felt far away from my husband based on where I had ended up and where I was delivering. I did NOT like that distance, and the pool made it difficult to change that.I really needed the water, and I needed and wanted my husband. Holding my baby's head gave me hope and with a few more pushes I was bringing her up in my arms.

It was 5:16am. She was covered in thick vernix, with dark hair and many darling fat rolls everywhere. I snuggled her, so grateful she was with us. Kalani and Natalie came in to see the baby. Chelsea checked the baby while she stayed in my arms. We still didn't have a name for this darling! Daughter Natalie had made me a shake which made me happy. I had been drinking throughout labor. I had been hungry sometimes, but couldn't eat and I was now starving. After some energy blast from the shake, I delivered the placenta while still holding my baby. Chris took Natalie and Raymond to seminary and school. Kalani became my everything. We nursed while I was still in the pool. Once the cord stopped pulsing, Kalani cut the cord.

Midwife Natalie took the baby and I was helped out of the pool and rinsed and dried off. and we moved to my bed. No tears :) no problems to deal with. I nursed the baby again, she is one hungry little girl. We weighed her, 9 lbs and 6 oz! She was 21.5 inches long. The baby pooped all over her blanket. We snuggled skin to skin and nursed a bit more. Kalani was starting to run interference for the little people who were now starting to wake up. I was getting cold and got some socks on...it was wonderful to have so many women around cleaning up, taking care of me and the baby and the children out there. Lydia woke and started making muffins.

I got dressed and Kalani got the baby dressed. Baby and I snuggled in bed while the midwives Chelsea and Natalie and assistant Amanda scurried around cleaning up, getting pool down (it didn't want to pump out with any speed) and giving me help with nursing - the baby does not have a strong suck (there is a clicking noise so I support her chin to maintain the suction) Yes, with 10 other children every single nursing experience has involved a learning curve! How can that be?

Chris and daughter Natalie came home and the midwives left. The little children were eating and Kalani brought each child in to briefly to see the baby and tell them that she was mommy today. My room was deemed off limits until 9.

The midwives left. Chris and I waited until 8 to call my mom. Chris made me an omelet (I was SO hungry). After I called my mom, we were debating names...none of the names we were considering were right. As we were talking about calling people, Chris said "What about Lisa Gloria?" It was right! We have a name. Lisa! Lisa is my sister's name. I love her. She is so loving and kind and is just...my best friend in the whole world (husband aside). Gloria is my mom's name. We knew from early on her middle name would be Gloria. My mom is so inspiring. All together her name means devoted to God's glory.

2014

1-1 I'm not sure why this was news to Ben...but he read Winnie THE Pooh today and said "Winnie THE Pooh...gross! He is related to pooh!"

2-4 At a restaurant with my brother David when he was in town... Ben, after the reading the children's menu carefully, asked for one of everything by listing off EVERYTHING on the children's menu. My hollow legged, growing boy!

We went to the bathroom and there was a bench to sit on. Hannah lay down and said “I’m laxing”. “Oh you’re relaxing?” I say, hoping to model English. “No,“ she said “I’m laxing”. Soon she got up and danced around for a bit while we were waiting for Abigail. She then went to lay back down again and said “NOW I’m RE-laxing!” Raymond noted that he’s taller than me and David said “That’s not saying much” It's true. I am the shortest ..the midget of the family and David was just providing a friendly reminder.

3-16 So I'm juicing and making some green juice for the morning and Ben, always the loving, if inept complimenter says "Mom you are REALLY good at making gross stuff!" Thanks son. I made Cashew milk and Hannah said "Ketchup milk? EWWWW" eww indeed hannah.

5-11 Mother's day! I spent it with my mom for the first time in I can't remember how long. wonderful! As Hannah and I were walking in to church she wanted to stop and smell the roses. She took a big sniff, then said "they aren't stinky! I think someone already changed their diapers!"

5-20 Hannah walked up to me and said "I know what time it is! It's time for ME!"

6-1 Susan is chanting randomly "Kiss your brother, kiss your brother" (ala starwars) and Ben (10) walks in horrified "Don't kiss your brother! It's poisonous!"

6-1 We somehow get on the discussion of how painful is it to give birth which leads to a discussion on naked bodies. How does this happen? I don't know but an 8yo said "I think naked bodies are funny...it'd take a really good joke to be funnier than a naked body" "What?!" I say. "Bodies are beautiful! Our bodies do amazing things! what do you find funny about a body?" "furry bums" she says.

crickets. um. I have nothing to say to that. carry on. just sharing the joy ;)

6-6 Raymond made home made bread. Rebecca had cut a slice for herself that was a little too thin. When she tried to get it out of the toaster it started breaking. I get it out in pieces. I was hoping she'd be okay with that. I walk by the table a little later and she had broken all of the bread in little pieces after she had honeybuttered it. I was wondering if she would ever eat the mess she had made, "Rebecca!" I say, "What are you doing?" "Mom! It's like the sacrament....but with honey butter!"

6-14 "Hannah" I say "It's your birthday tomorrow, what do you want to eat?" "Chocolate". okay. "is that the kind of cake you want?" "yes" "What kind of ice cream?" "Chocolate". "What would you like for breakfast?" "hot chocolate". ahhh. "How about dinner?" "that would be...hot chocolate". I'm sensing a theme.

6-15 I lean over to tell Hannah that she is now 4! She asks "Am I big?" I ask clarify "What does it mean to be big?" "I just wanna know how to do everything!" !!! "Sweetie…I'm not even that big yet!"

7-14 "Hey we have an ancestor named Severus Sarus" says Natalie. Chris replies "Must be on your mom's side!" The bad news? He was right!

7-14 Hannah comes up to me with two braids and says "Momma, I got rid of my 'H's and now my name is Anna!"

7-14 Natalie and Rebecca are discussing what Natalie's shirt says (hint...it says BYU). Rebecca "why does your shirt say buy?" Natalie "It doesn't say buy..its says be you...or really bayou". clearly raising a texan.

8-9 We are gathering for family prayer. Susan gives me a big hug and says "Mom, you are so.." then she busts out laughing. "What?" I ask. She responds "I almost said you are cute! I mean you are kind and awesome but the only people cute in this house are Rachel...and possibly me!"

9-8 Hannah runs into my room excitedly..."MOM I have a spot!" She shows me a tiny sun spot on her shoulder. "I'm getting spotted and pretty like you!" um thanks?

9-13 So we're watching Harry Potter 5 and upon seeing the red phone booth used as the guest entrance into the ministry, Lydia says "WHY is the tardis red?"

10-20 We are getting ready for park day. Hannah sees Ben, dressed and ready and asks..."Where is Ben going? Is he going to Bug scouts?"

10-20 Abi watches her sister Natalie modeling with clay. She comments to Becca "she never gets anything messy but herself".

12-25 Ben is up early looking at all of the books by each stocking. He's planning what he wants to negotiate to read. He comes over to Rachel's stocking. It's a book about colors. He glances at the back like he had at the other books, then looks up at me then says in his best dramatic voice, "blue, green, red...How will it end??"

2013

1/6/2013 All three oldest children bear their testimonies-which means they choose to share with the entire church congregation how they feel about God and ... in this case their family. Kalani says "I love my family, even if I don't show it. ever." Good thing that's not true!

1/20/2013 We are quickly eating sandwiches before church. Susan is discussing the kind of lunch meat we have. (ham). "I like dead pig. It's delicious. Especially when they take out the bones and blood and stuff." Oh we are ALL hungry now Susan. thanks for that.

1/24/2013 Susan was sitting next to me while I was nursing. I was partially covered up. Susan covers me with the blanket saying "I'll give you some privacy Rachel"..half a second later she pulls the blanket back and says quite loudly "never mind!" and starts playing peek a boo.

1/24/2013 Quiz time... Becca asks to watch a movie. She wants the " I hid under your porch because I love you" movie. Which movie does she want?

1/28 Family home evening. Chris is about to read us all a scripture. He is standing (was he holding a baby, or just getting our attention?) He coughs and prepares his dad reading voice. He reads Alma 55:31 :"But behold, the Nephites were not slow to remember the Lord their God in this their time of affliction. They could not be taken in their snares; yea, they would not partake of their wine, save they had first given to some of the Lamanite prisoners." He then says "this scripture refers to something we call in our family the'token Lamanite'." There is squirming among the children...they notice dad has a hot pad in his hands...what has dad done? He continues.." I have put this scripture into practice in my own life today by tasting the peanut butter cookies made for family home..." "DAD!" much laughter and admonishing by the children and ME because dad has committed the cardinal sin of eating the treat BEFORE it is TIME. Quick analysis of dad's health...he seems to have NOT been poisoned-though many children are considering it NOW. Quick, record breaking prayer and mad dash for the kitchen to see just how many cookies dad has tested and how many are left.

2/20 The older children come home from church with face paint and various designs on their arms and hands. Abi (5) particularly likes the flower on Natalie's arm. She asks for it. I ask her if she'd like me to unscrew Natalie's arm and trade with her arm. She says "Silly! Arms are connected...we'll have to break it off."

2/21 Abi (5) "Mom, sometimes food makes babies." WHAT? I ask. " You ate food and you got a big belly and you had a baby." oh yes. huh.

2/26 Susan, "Oh Rachel you're so cute...until you turn hannah's age and become a master of destruction"

2/26 "Becca get on your shoes by yourself..I just put mine on and I'm 3 minutes younger than you!" susan

3/12 Susan, "Rachel you are just a sugar plum pie! Except I would never eat you except like in kisses" mwah mwah mwah..."There I ate your brain...I'm a zombie" Happy 3 months old Rachel!

3/17 We're working on memorizing The Living Christ. I'm copying a section out and Susan (7) is reading over my shoulder. Susan reads "Under the direction of his fat hair...that doesn't make sense"...no it doesn't sue. (The line is under the direction of His FATHER). I'm not sure this is leading to the increased spirituality in our home like I was hoping...

3/30 Abi has been singing to the baby in the car (Rachel is not a fan of car seats). The song is called I'm trying to be like Jesus...only she's singing "I'm trying to be like Moses" I'm not sure if she's hoping to part seas or wander for 40 years or be a part of cursing people with plagues...

4/1 Kalani is sharing some of the things she learned over the weekend. She had a great experience reading the New Testament in two days with her seminary class. she was talking about Paul and said. "Paul is sexiest". Teenage girls read the new testament differently than I do.

4/13 Susan notices some left over bunny-easter stuff. she comments on just how great that'd be for easter. I ask "Susan, you know what Easter is really about right?" "Yes mom, Jesus and the cross" I say yes then ask "So why do you think there are bunny things around easter?" She responds "Because they are so reverent!"

4/28 After a very disappointing first day of swim team (thunder and lightening = no swimming)...ben said the prayer "Bless us that we can actually SWIM at swim team tomorrow and bless all of the sick people, there are too many to remember"
4/28 After Hannah plays connect the spots on mommy, I say "I'm part leopard...I just got the spots and not the speed"

5/29 We are on our way to swim team and the older children are singing the http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FPxYDGfniM just to reinforce the nerdiness, when the lyrics say "middle earth is saved by the smallest of things" Susan butts in to say.."really? the smallest of things? What about dust mites" Then a conversation ensues about what exactly are the smallest of things including atoms, electrons, quarks and on the other side of the conversation a discussion on what was meant by the lyrics and well. giggles-that would be me.

6/27 I sometimes refer to motherhood as my day job. On one such occasion I said "It's a great day job" and Susan interrupted with.."Sure the days are fine, it's the nights that get you! The baby waking up, the diaper changes...."

7/3 We're on our way to a new movie theater. We had left with plenty of time and had mapquested. It's just that road closures weren't accounted for on mapquest. As we are making our second u-turn Susan pipes up "Good thing Dad isn't here so we can ask for directions!"
7/12 We're on our way to an Oyster Creek Elementary school to launch rockets with cub scouts. As we are approaching the school Ben says "We don't have to go to that horrible place do we?" My mind starts going crazy trying to remember what I could have possibly have said about public schools. As I'm wondering what I could have done to poison his mind against the public school system...I decide to just ask, "why do you think this is a horrible place?" "OYSTERS mom" he says. oh. that's fine then. I'm totally good with influencing his mind against seafood!

7/13 We're watching Robin Hood...the super old Erol Flynn variety. At one point some guy says "All Hail Prince John!" and Susan says "Prince John? Hail, no." Yes we are immature, so my husband and I have since been agreeing with her and her "hail no" all against prince john of course.

7/20 My children were interviewed for the stake youth musical ( a church program for teens). They were asked some basic, open ended questions. One question was "what grow on an apricot tree?" the answer that Susan, Abi and Rebecca ALL gave? Popcorn! Becca was asked "Who lives in heaven?" Her answer? "Lots and LOTS of dead people."

7/22 Princess Kate goes into labor. As I'm telling one daughter this...Susan is listening in. She asks what labor is. "It's the hard work a mommy's body does to prepare to give birth". "Oh she says...so it's how her body splits open". um ouch. she continues "how does her body go back together so quickly" I wonder what in the world she is visualizing. She goes on to say "Women are lucky...AND not lucky. I mean they get the babies, but the have to have them. Then they have the hardest job in the world of taking care of them."

8/5 epicly bad family home evening start. Two children had been privately spoken with, tackling was involved, a hug pile ensued to bring one child back, lots of playing,people stealing other people's seats, a crying baby and we hadn't even gotten past the opening song and prayer. I say exasperatedly "Can we at least keep it down to a dull roar?" Kalani says "Mom it's NEVER just a dull roar" "Yes it is" I say "When everyone is sleeping and dad is snoring...it's a dull roar." The good news is we did get to the lesson and the children shared some tender mercies of the Lord that they had experienced that day that I didn't even know about. These children are going to drive me to sugar.

8/24 I'm babysitting my nephew's son, Richard. I am changing his diaper and Hannah comes up to investigate. Upon seeing him she says "That baby's bum is crazy!"

8/25 We're watching a show and a heavily made up lady comes on with sinister music in the background. Susan says "I don't trust her, she's wearing makeup. I don't trust anyone wearing makeup." Susan looks around at her 7 sisters" No offense to anyone wearing makeup." um. okay.

9/1 The scout master walked in front of our van and waved to us. He used what I call a light bulb wave. My first thoughts were of calculus in high school. I say this to my children. They are obviously confused. So I say "Do you want to know what I learned first in Calculus?" Natalie immediately responds "That you'll never use it again?" "No!" I say "I learned how to wave"

9/22 "You have never worked full time until you're a mom." susan.

10/7 I'm in trouble. Susan AGE 8! is watching the end of some disney teen thing with her older sisters. The annoying little couple kiss at the end and susan says, "Now THAT'S what I call lip-synching!" yes she does actually know what lip-synching is. I later gave Chris a quick kiss and she told me "MOM! That is not lip-synching!" then goes into great detail... sigh.

10-20 Abigail "Mom. I know why you call dad 'honey'…it's because you can't have sugar."

10-30 On the way home from picking up Kalani from Jr college Abigail starts talking about just how painful childbirth will be. Then she asks "Mom, how do babies get out?" Making sure I don't answer much more than she needs at age 5, I ask…"What do you mean?" "I mean if you are wearing pants..how does that work? I don't want to have a baby in my pants!" "OH." I say. "You take your pants off first" "Okay" she says…then changes the subject. That was it! kids. you NEVER know.

11-9 Part of Raymond's birthday breakfast included Cocoa Puffs. They have star wars pens and Hannah(3) was looking at all of the characters who were to be featured on the pens. She noticed Obi Wan and said "Look mom! Jesus!" Fast forward to a bit later. Hannah says she is still hungry. I ask her what she wants to eat. She replies "Meatball Jesus!" oh. I say, and walk over to the cupboard to get the cocoa puffs. I speak toddler.

11-10 Hannah (3) "A long time ago I was a baby! then I grew up and now I'm a HUMAN!" Susan…"you were already a human!"

12/25 We had a family nativity. My favorite parts? the frantic Joseph, Mary fell off the donkey, the hopping angel baby thieves-who were so giggly the shepherd's fake fear was just funny, Rachel stealing the baby constantly…and when it came time for baby Jesus to be born...surprise Mary...twins. never a dull moment.