Things I'm Not Supposed to Say

Two subjects I've been pondering:

"I can't help being gay - I was born this way".  I do not claim to have originally suggested the following concept, but I rarely see it discussed and have been pondering it much lately:  Does it matter if we are born gay, steered gay by our environment or simply choose to be gay?  I have become more and more convinced that it most certainly does not.  Granted I can think this way in a freer fashion than many because of my agnosticism, very much bordering on atheism.  

But just why exactly do we seem to spend so much time trying to convince ourselves and the straight world that we have no choice in our attractions?  Remove the religious bias against homosexuality, and what remains is pure prejudice.  We don't expend energy explaining away why we like certain books and not others, enjoy some outdoor activities and yawn at other recreation or have a favorite color and find another color hideous. 

I think the focus on proving the "unavoidability" of our sexual preferences sells us short as a community.  It seems to me that we buy into the idea that choosing to be gay would be wrong, while being forced to be gay (meaning we have no agency in the matter) somehow takes the "wrongness" away.  I believe that we do not, in fact, have a choice in our sexuality.  But I'm growing more and more convinced that it doesn't matter.

"Suicide Is Wrong and Proof of Psychological Unbalance."  Bull.  Again, it is probably easier for me to say hogwash to this "truth" because of my lack of belief in God or an afterlife where we will be rewarded for being good and punished for being bad.  But I firmly believe that what most separates us from the other animals that inhabit our planet is one uniquely human characteristic:  We can contemplate life and determine for ourselves how to live it.  And what is more self-determinative than choosing when, where and how to call it quits?  We have no choice in the matter when it comes to our birth, but who the hell's business is it if we decide that we've had enough?

Now I'm not talking about situations where we are struggling through intense and episodic hard times.  Sometimes we do need a little help and perspective to clearly evaluate our situation.  This is certainly the case with children, teenagers and even young adults.  Lacking experience in the vicissitudes of life, young folks often simply have no understanding that "the sun don't shine on the same dog's ass every day" and that working through bad times often means a return to good times.  In fact, a bad stretch can make a good stretch that much the sweeter.  Patience, grasshopper, is the key.

But at some point, don't we all have the inherent right to simply say "enough"?  Is the terminal cancer patient with only a few months of intense pain to look forward unreasonable in deciding to check out sooner rather than later?  Is a 90 year old infirm man with no family or friends left irrational in concluding that ending his life on his own terms is more appealing than the prospect of rotting away unloved and unnoticed in an institution?

I don't think so.  I reflect on my life and find much unappealing, but I also list the things I have that give my life meaning.  For now and the foreseeable future, I find myself interested in sticking around.  There are people to love, long hikes to take, places to see and things to accomplish at work.  There are books to read, pictures to take and beagles to walk.  That is enough.  But if the time comes when I decide that I no longer want to be here, that should be my choice and no one else's business.  And, frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn if the morality police disagree.

Being a Grown Up

Growing up is hard to do.  Maybe someday I'll actually try it.  I turn 44 in a few days so I should probably get started.  I laugh a bit to myself when I realize how different it feels to actually be 44 from what 44 looked like to me when I was 16.  I guess perspective is everything.

Of course, to be "grown up" is more than any one thing or even a small collection of things.  But a large part of it is accepting what and who we are, then making the best of it at any given time.  For most of us, there comes a point in life when we realize that, contrary to the cliched tripe we are constantly fed, we cannot in fact do whatever we want or be whatever we want to be.  

For those of us who are gay and LDS, this eventually means accepting that no matter how hard we pray, no matter how devoted we are to scripture study, no matter how dedicated we are to our callings, we will never be straight.  Once we accept that fact, we can begin to actually grow up and achieve our real potential.  

For some that means staying in the church and living a celibate life.  I frankly don't believe that is the healthiest path, but then I am highly suspicious of the concept that there even is a God.  But for those who make this choice, it seems to me that happiness is only found in embracing their sexual nature, not hating themselves for it and pining away for what will never be.

For those gay folks of LDS heritage who reject Church doctrine, particularly those of us of a "certain age", the challenge is equally daunting, if significantly different.  I can speak from personal experience here.  No matter how much I intellectually know being gay is just a different flavor in the great Baskin-Robbins of life, it's an entirely different thing to go out and do a bit of sampling.  I've written directly on this subject at least once before, and my whining is woven through most of my posts in some form or another.   But that's all that ever happens.  The whining.

If I am to every really grow up, which is to say to become a fully functional adult gay man, I need to go out and try a little dessert.  Being a good friend, a loyal family member and a dedicated and effective (even highly effective) member of my profession isn't enough.  If I am to make the most of what potential and life I have left, there will be no substitute for taking that final step and embracing my sexuality completely.  Will it ever happen?  Your guess, dear reader, is as good as mine.

I've said it before but I'll say it again here.  I admire the generation just behind me.  The 18-30 year old gay LDS who seem so much more at ease and accepting of themselves, whether they have decided that strict adherence to the LDS theology is the way to go or that exploring their inherent sexuality without those constraints is the best path.  I wish that could be me.