To date, or not to date

My life has been rather insane lately, in case you couldn't tell by the lack of postings. I moved out of my house where I lived with four children and felt like part of a family and into an apartment on the other side of town with my sister. My student loans came due, and I realized that with rent and those student loans, I absolutely had to have another job, I could no longer wait to get another one. Well, after looking all summer for a full time teaching job, I finally came to the conclusion that that probably wasn't going to happen. So I started looking for another part time position. I finally found one; the only draw back is that it is a night job. I teach English online, mostly to Koreans. During their daylight hours, which happen to be the middle of the night here. So I basically work and sleep. And work and sleep some more.  The good news is that I love every one of my four jobs. I really enjoy all of them. However, whenever I tell someone that I am working four jobs, they ask "Not much time left for dating, is there?" And then I adjust the truth to say that there is a little time. Which there is, but I don't really want to spend my free time dating.

Truth be told, I'm tired of dating. REALLY tired. I made a dedicated effort to do so this last year. I went on 8 dates in three weeks in April. I consistently try to say yes when a guy asks me out. But (I figured out this morning) I am just burnt out on dating. I've worked really hard to find someone who likes me and I like them. I'm not really that picky, especially since most of the men where I live actually fit my standards. But its just not in the cards at this point. And I know its cliché, but maybe its not me. I worked all year dating, I tried really hard to go out with lots of different guys, I tried to give guys a fair chance, but nothing has worked out. And I'm tired of it. I have to pay off my student loans. I'd like to pay off my credit card. And since I can't control boys, I can at least control myself. So, yes, I work so much there is very little time for boys. But I'm happy that I'm busy and I feel better knowing that I am getting myself out of debt. Because if I were to wait for a boy, I would just be getting further into debt. I don't think that's something the Lord wants. And I'm sure that if the Lord meant me to be married by this point, something would have happened. Its not like I don't have the "I would really like to be married soon" conversation with the Lord EVERY NIGHT. So if you think you have the ear of the Lord and he'll listen to you, feel free to talk to him about it. But as for me, I have to live my life and I am just burnt out on dating.

President Faust has said that there is a time for us to do everything we want to do, just not all at the same time. And what I am doing right now if paying off my debt. And then, when I'm not so burnt out on dating, I'll try again. But now is not the time.

Constitution

Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.

John Adams (1735-1826) Second President of the USA.


I found this quote the other day and quite liked it. I would have to say that the people of the United States are falling away from being 'moral and religious people'. While the vast majority of people still believe in a god, I don't know that as a whole, we can be considered such. An interesting thought.

A thought

I have been having a bit of a struggle lately with life. I feel sometimes like I can't get anywhere. I can't find a job, I rent a room (don't even have my own space) and boys are pretty much in the negative numbers.  I get depressed quite often, something I am working on changing. But I was reading Elder Hallstrom's talk from this last conference and he says "Throughout the world and among the membership of the Church, there is great joy and great pain. Both are part of the plan. Without one, we cannot know the other" (Ensign, May 2010 p79). So even though I feel great pain and suffering (which I probably blow out of proportion, but aren't our trials suited to us to be trials for us, not for others?), if I did not know that pain, I wouldn't appreciate the great joy that is in store.

So now, I just need to be patient and know that however exquisite my pains, my joy will be just as exquisite and sweet.

Pacific Northwest

I taught Summer School this last summer and partway through I realized I was burnt out and needed a real vacation. So I flew out to the great PNW to visit Scully. I only spent three days out there, which probably wasn't enough, but I had a fabulous time and the weather was perfect. I only remembered my camera one day when we went to a state park where there were tide pools. It was wonderful. I had a great time.

A little crab. These little guys were all over the place.

One, lonely starfish

Not lonely starfish. In a crevice

Anenomes out of the water

Anemones  in the water

Myself and Scully

Reminds me of home

In the moss on a rock

Looking out over the tide pools

A collection of starfish

Another forest path

Scully, looking out over the ocean

This is where I saw a sea otter run for cover. I wasn't fast enough with the camera though

Part of the beach

We went to a park later in the day and just walked around. It reminded me of all the hikes I took growing up. Hiking amongst the trees is certainly cooler than over the rocks, which is what the hiking is like here.

Park bridge

Some of the falls we saw

I studied this phenomenon in high school. The old, dead tree gives nourishment to the new living tree.

Centipede. We used to have these on our property.

More falls.

It really was a great vacation. Recharged my battery. Thanks Scully, for letting me visit!

Independence Day

We camped out for the Parade on the 4th of July. I went with my landlady's family and one of their family friends.Here are the girls playing.

Playing with glow sticks and jewelry as it gets dark.

Yes, I can blow up my air mattress all by myself. I have a great set of lungs. I blame playing the flute for years.

Small Ham

Here is Small Ham after playing outside. He's just a little dirty. Just a little.

This is Small Ham at the 4th of July Parade.

The kids

I am having a hard time getting on and posting things. So here are some pictures of the people in my life.

I babysit a lot. This is what happens sometimes with the kids.

We're in the air!!

Let me help you dress up!

Kids in all their craziness

Kids after bored and I made the mistake of laughing at them.

This was their final dress up of the night. I was told I was never allowed to let these pictures get to their parents.

Swimming and tap

I walked in one day and Small Ham was dressed up in his Swim ring and tap shoes. I'm not sure how those go together, but he sure thought they did.

My career

One of the things I am struggling with right now is the fact that I can't get a full time position. I have the credentials to teach as a regular teacher, but right now I'm just working as a part time specialist. I have only taught full time for one year, but since then, I have never managed to teach more than part time. There are many reasons behind this, but today I finally figured out what the real issue is.

The real problem is that I never saw myself working. And if I did work, I wanted the kind of job that I loved, but wouldn't take up a lot of time so that I could spend the time I needed with my husband and kids. The good news is that I have my dream job. I LOVE it! I have a great time. The bad news is that I don't have the husband and kids to devote the rest of my time too.

More on Marriage

I was talking to my friend again this week and she again commented on how some guys have told her that they just wish that I would stop wanted to get married so badly and then guys would flock to me.

I've been thinking about that for a while and I thought, I can't stop wanting to get married. That's like asking me to stop wanting to progress, or to stop wanting exaltation. It's just not going to happen. Marriage in my mind is explicitly linked to exaltation. I've spent too much time in the temple to think otherwise. I cannot stop wanting marriage. It is a commandment! Stop wanting to follow commandments? Really? Is that what you're asking me to do?

And further, I don't think I want guys to flock to me. I just want one really good one. I don't need lots of them. Because most of them aren't what I'm looking for. And I get tired of sorting through the . . . not so good ones. I'm past the point where I want lots of guys around me.

I think I'll stick with the Lord's advice. Chill out. Still a struggle, but much easier to follow. And reasonable too.

Genesis

I've started reading the Old Testament in the last few weeks and I am struck by how often the people in it mess up and still the Lord blesses them. Over and over again I see how the people aren't perfect and how they don't do exactly what the Lord asks them to do. They aren't perfect, and yet the Lord still blesses them. (I haven't even gotten past all of Jacob's sons being born by the way). I think this is a lesson I need to learn, because I continue to get the same impression every time I read. These people were not perfect, they messed up, they didn't do exactly as the Lord asked them, though they were trying and communicated with Him. However, the Lord still blessed them.

I think maybe I expect too much of myself. I expect to be perfect and I get down on myself when I am not. But the Lord still loves me and can make my mistakes into a beautiful life. But I have to LET Him bless me. I think I am not doing that right now because I don't believe I should be blessed because of all the mistakes I have made, because I know that I don't follow him exactly.

Maybe I need to chill out a little.

Ups and Downs

My life is crazy. When its craziest, I have the best stories, but then I don't have time to write. Then when life calms down, I feel like I have nothing to say.

So I have time, but have no idea what I should be saying.

I am teaching summer school, but don't know what I'll be doing about a job between the end of summer school and the beginning of school in the fall. I only have a part time teaching job, which I only get paid hourly for. I am interviewing for a full time position, but because of the cuts in education funding lately, I probably won't be able to get one of those. Which I'm kind of ok with because I love working where I am working, but it makes the whole "I should buy a house" project a lot harder.

Also, I am very annoyed by those people who claim their trials are harder than mine. Of course yours seem more difficult to you! That's why they are YOURS!!! They wouldn't be trials if they weren't hard. And if you don't find them hard, then they wouldn't try you.

I find myself working on my faith. Even though the Lord has told me He will provide, sometimes I still think it won't happen. But I keep trying to have more faith.

Well, I think that's all I have right now. Good news is, I have a more positive attitude right now than about a month ago. So I am grateful for that.

I recently read an article about marriage myths and this one in particular struck me:

Marriage Myth: If there’s no spark, you’re doomed.
Many married couples understand intellectually that they won’t always experience that I’ve-been-drugged-by-love feeling in a long-term relationship. “But many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love. The mistake here is to believe that you can live forever on fireworks, or even just love, alone.

I think perhaps because I've had a relationship that started out with commitment, of sorts, and the trust grew and then love came out of it. Sadly for me, it was a little one-sided, so nothing ever went anywhere, but it was a great relationship. I felt safe in it, the good safe. I think that our society has placed too much stock in the "fireworks" department, and the commitment and trust that should happen in relationships doesn't. It makes me a little sad because making that kind of commitment and keeping it creates one of the best relationships on the planet.

Not that I would actually know, but just a thought.

I am iron

But only steel gets to the highest degree of heaven.

I have to become steel.

So God puts me into the fire.
And then he takes me out and beats me.

And then into the fire.
And then beat the imperfections out.

And again.

And again.

One day I will be steel.


But dang. What a painful process!!! :'(

Shattered

That's what happened to my self image last night talking to a friend. In a completely non-judgmental way, she told me that I flirt with everyone and guys can't tell if I'm flirting because I like them or because I just want to get married, because guys can tell I want to get married.

I have several thoughts on this and I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. Here's my little pride cycle.

One, I can't really help flirting. I get it from my mom and its part of who I am. I can't completely change myself and still feel like I'm not being fake. I believe that we should do like Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true". On the flip-side, I probably can tone things down a little and still be myself.

Two, why is it a bad thing to want to get married? Almost everyone wants to, even if they don't admit it. We're SUPPOSED to. Its part of The Plan. We're structured to want and need other people. So why is it a bad thing when people are comfortable being honest with themselves about what they want? On the flip-side, it may come across as being desperate.

Three, sometimes I feel that I am completely different from everyone I know. I feel like I'm living in a world of people who see things in a totally different way than I do. My friend was telling me the opinions of some of the guys we both know and some of the things they've said, and I just wonder how different we all are, but think we are the same. How many miscommunications come out of us thinking that we are the same, but have really different ways of thinking about the world. It sometimes makes me feel really alone and completely misunderstood.

Fourth, sometimes it becomes very clear that I don't totally understand myself. There are still things I discover that I didn't know where there and I don't know how to deal with. Such is the struggle of life, I presume.

In dealing with this, I realize that my friend's point of view is just one side and I need to take it with a grain of salt. I plan on taking what she said into consideration and adjust accordingly, but not completely. She is a different person than I am and I still have to be myself. But course corrections are part of the journey, and this may be one I need to change that one degree.

My one word of advice is this, when you start to ask the Lord to show you your flaws so that you can become a better person, be prepared for your pride to take a hit. And its going to be hard and hurt. The good news is you'll be a better person on the other side, if you learn from the experience.

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side:
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to they God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best they heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.


Sometimes I forget how much the Lord is aware of us and our trials. But at the lowest point, He always hears my cry and comforts me.

Laws and agency

I was thinking today about some topics of conversation that are deeper. Deeper than what's on tv, anyway. Which brought to my mind the current health care reform. Now to start off with, this post is not about health care reform. And I don't really know enough about it to have a strong opinion one way or another. However, its brings up the idea that the government is exerting more and more control over our lives. This is something I am opposed to. The reason is this: the government seems to feel the need to create more and more laws. Each succeeding president, or group of elected officials seems to feel that in order to be successful, they need to create some important law for the rest of us to abide by. (Why is this anyway?) The problem with this is that as the government exerts more control, the people are left with fewer choices. As we have fewer choices, we do not gain the experience we need to make wise choices. Especially when the consequences of our actions are removed (as American society loves to act without consequences). This makes us a weak people. Like the Israelites who were lead out of Egypt, they were slaves before and had not learned how to make wise choices. That is why they built the golden calf, they hadn't learned how to make wise choices. If we allow people to limit our choices, we are going to create a weak society who cannot make wise choices because they lack the opportunity to develop that skill.

As a respected leader once said “I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves.” (Messages of the First Presidency, comp. James R. Clark, 6 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965–75, 3:54.) This creates a strong people. The increase of government control as our nation has grown will only lead to our eventual downfall because we will be unable to make wise choices without someone there to dictate what to do. Oh, that we could govern ourselves instead of expecting the government to do it for us.

Done!!!

So I have finished my coursework for my Master's!! This means I have a lot more time. Which is good. Except that I now am feeling anxious about getting a job, or getting another job. If I could get another one now, that would be great. I also need one for the summer and having a full time teaching position for next year would be really amazing. Then I could get that house that I want. That I don't want to start looking for yet because I don't have an income to make payments on.

And my huge frustration . . . boys. Yes, I know, its a never ending frustration. But I've gone out with a couple boys and dated a couple boys and I just don't understand them. They are just too happy hanging out. They don't want to commit. I think what instigated this was I went out about a week and a half ago with one guy I'd been out with previously, and we went to a show and he didn't even put his arm around me. He's 31, what on earth is he waiting for?!? And if he really isn't interested, why is he going out with me? I just don't understand. At least make a move so I can decide how much I like you.

Attacked

So I realized today that it has been quite a while since I updated my blog. To which I say, its going to be a little bit longer.

Life has attacked me.

The sheer insanity of this next week just goes to prove the truthfulness of the title of my blog.

But as a fun little story while you're all waiting with baited breath
Tonight, the kids decided it was time for me to go to bed. So they dragged me upstairs, tucked me in, read me a story and put me to bed. It was quite entertaining. And if it hadn't been for the 10 page paper I need to be writing, I would have stayed in bed and gone to sleep. Even though it was only 7:00 pm.

New Years and such

I saw three movies over the Christmas, quite a lot for me when I don't really have the money. One of those movies was Avatar in 3D. This pic is me and my baby sister and baby brother in our 3D glasses. Not babies so much anymore, but they are still the babies of the family. By the way, I totally recommend Avatar. I thought it would be dumb, but it was really good. FDP is obsessed with it.


I made goodies for the holidays as well. This is what happens when people bake with me. They end up with flour handprints on them. Sadly, this boy is only 19, so a flour handprint is about as far as it goes.

I really just thought I should post some pics. Now on to more interesting material.

New Year's brought me two dates. I know, the mind reels. Two in one day, normally I'm lucky to get two in a month. On the way home from the airport, I asked FDP what he was doing for New Years, and he didn't have plans, but he said he would like to go dancing. Well you know me, like I'm ever going to turn down dancing, especially from my favorite partner. So that was my night plan. My other date came from a guy I ran into the last time I went dancing. He was in a dance class I TA'd way back when. Before my sister, the Blonde's, mission. He found me on Facebook and we decided to get together. He asked if I'd like to go snowshoeing. I'm always up for something new. So we went up to Little Cottonwood Canyon and snowshoed up to Donut Falls. And I, like a dummy, forgot my camera. It was beautiful. And I was warm the whole time!! May I recommend layering properly? It makes a world of difference. Hopefully another activity will follow.

I did the same thing this New Year's Eve as last New Year's Eve. Considering it is my favorite activity, I am not complaining in the least. And it is always hilarious when FDP sucks helium and wishes me Happy New Year sounding like a chipmunk. I laugh every time. At least I didn't come home with the revelation that I was in love with my best friend this time.