between high school drama and friend sadness, my brother and sister-in-law moving away, my grandma and uncle passing away, and some major boy/friend frustration, i have had some major emotional roller-coasters to ride in the past couple of years. i definitely acknowledge that i have lived an incredibly spoiled life, but i am getting a taste of the things that make this earth so "vain" and painful, and learning what it is to really FEEL things deeply. but i've realized lately that while i feel things and hurt and cry and long for heaven, usually i'm just feeling sorry for myself and how things affect ME, not others. i guess that's a natural selfish human reaction. but it's sad. and i'm realizing that it's a huge problem in my spiritual life and probably in the church in general. one that influences us so widely that we aren't even aware of it sometimes, and it makes us ineffective.
we have all heard sermons about caring for people and their souls, but i for one don't care enough. in fact, to be completely honest, i think i choose my own comfort over other people's eternal well-being every single day. every time i come in contact with people, my first thought isn't "how can i use this conversation to glorify God and lead this person to love Him more?" it's probably something like "i'd really like to sell this book quickly so they'll leave the store and i can get back to eating my fruit snacks." sounds pretty pitiful, right? granted, there probably isn't a space in every single interaction to start talking about the plan of salvation, but why can't i use the word "blessed" when someone asks me how i am, instead of just saying "good?" if my life is so wrapped up in God that i can't help but see His power at work in every aspect of my life, then why can i not spread that vision to the people i see every day? my family, my friends, co-workers, even strangers are people i can influence. in the book Crazy Love, francis chan talks about how we have our 2.5 second cameo in the movie of life to live, and we really aren't the stars of that movie, God is. we have it all wrong. yes, our lives should be about getting to heaven. but it shouldn't just be because i really want to have a great place to live for eternity, and it definitely shouldn't just be because i don't want to be condemned to an eternal home filled with discomfort. the thing that's going to make heaven great is that GOD is there. and if my life isn't focused on HIM, what's to say i would even enjoy being there if i got there based on a righteous life? what makes hell so terrible isn't any level of physical pain, it's the fact that God isn't there. and He can't be reached. that should scare us. and yet, i think i tend to be more terrified of hell's fire than i am of God's absence. pitiful. if my life was focused how it needs to be, i would be SO EXCITED about being with God again that i would not be able to hold that excitement in. i'd be more hurt by looking around and seeing lost souls than i was about my own small heartbreaks here on this earth. and i'd spend more time working towards being an image of God's glory on earth than i was working towards repairing that hopeless relationship with a guy who isn't that great anyway. i just have realized there are so many things more important than my personal comfort levels and how many friends i have and what guy i'm with and what grades i'm getting. those can come after i expend all of my energy learning to love the souls around me and learning to see people as SOULS that need help. it's like seeing someone lying injured on the side of the road and just deciding you don't have time to call 911. it doesn't make sense.
Lord, help me to love people. really love people. be my vision so that i can look through my faulty, selfish human eyes and see souls around me crying out for Your love, and not just focus on how precious my time and my reputation are. i don't deserve to know You and to have You know me so well. but i'm grateful that i have the chance to show Your glory on this earth in some small way to the people i meet. help me to constantly remind myself of you, and help me to show Your peace to others, "and may they forget the channel," seeing only You.
let's love people. and do the only thing love CAN do: help them find God.
i want to love God so much that just like Jeremiah, even if i tried not to talk about Him, i couldn't stand to hold my love in.
"If I say, "I will not mention him,
or speak any more in his name,"
there is in my heart as it were a burning fire
shut up in my bones,
and I am weary with holding it in,
and I cannot." (Jer. 20:9)
-EB
2.7.11
lean on me
I have learned a lot about myself this year. I learned that I CAN control my thoughts and speech and attitude when I work at it. I learned that I don't like being around overly dramatic people, so I probably should stop being one myself. I learned that I'd rather help anyone else with their problems than express or share my feelings. I learned that I love being with people, but I have to have time alone to function and keep my focus. I learned that spirituality starts with YOU and your relationship with God, and then grows with others. But you can't base your spirituality on others.
All of those were important, somewhat surprising, and useful things to know.
I learned a lot about friendships and keeping those who HELP you close. So this blog is for Hayley O'Neal. Because she helps me. I went to breakfast with her this morning and was reminded of what a spiritual bulwark she is. I am able to be myself, be real, be vulnerable, show emotion, and she just listens and gives me encouragement and Godly perspective. Without gossiping or just trying to "make me feel better." And without allowing me to focus on myself or bitterness. Friends like that are so rare, and such a blessing. One I would never have fully appreciated until now. So this blog post is for you, Hayley. Thank you for being loving, prayerful, humble, honest, straightforward, caring, forgiving, and for making me comfortable talking about my struggles. I love you :)
All of those were important, somewhat surprising, and useful things to know.
I learned a lot about friendships and keeping those who HELP you close. So this blog is for Hayley O'Neal. Because she helps me. I went to breakfast with her this morning and was reminded of what a spiritual bulwark she is. I am able to be myself, be real, be vulnerable, show emotion, and she just listens and gives me encouragement and Godly perspective. Without gossiping or just trying to "make me feel better." And without allowing me to focus on myself or bitterness. Friends like that are so rare, and such a blessing. One I would never have fully appreciated until now. So this blog post is for you, Hayley. Thank you for being loving, prayerful, humble, honest, straightforward, caring, forgiving, and for making me comfortable talking about my struggles. I love you :)
28.6.11
we went down to the may parade, muttered words under my breath
Another week of work has started. It's my first week of working completely by myself at the bookstore, which is overwhelming, creepy, but also sometimes lovely during the more peaceful moments. It seems this is what my summer will consist of, selling textbooks Monday-Thursdays, babysitting Fridays, and working at the coffee shop most Saturdays. It's a bizarre shock going from being within a mile of hundreds of friends 24/7 to not seeing those friends for 3 months. But it's also kind of lovely to have a break from drama and school for a while and have a chance to refocus and get ready for next year. (But let's be real, I love school. A lot. So having a break from school really doesn't matter to me.)
I'll leave this completely useless and uninteresting post with some of my favorite things from the past week, and some thought-provoking or challenging quotes that I've re-discovered lately.
Recent Summer favorites:
Rain, long drives to work by myself every day, shoe sales (20$ Pumas!), paychecks, the church in Plant City, Glen Hansard, chocolate-covered almonds, and talks/catch-ups with my high school best friend Paul :)
Food for meditation:
"It comforts me to think that if we are created beings, the thing that created us would have to be greater than us, so much greater, in fact, that we would not be able to understand it. It would have to be greater than the facts of our reality, and so it would seem to us, looking out from within our reality, that it would contradict reason. But reason itself would suggest it would have to be greater than reality, or it would not be reasonable.” - Blue Like Jazz
And another thing I've thought a lot about lately is this:
Sin is the manifestation of pride, and grace is unmerited favor, so it's interesting to think about human pride and the fact that to get past our pride (sin) we have to humble ourselves and accept that we need favor that we don't deserve (grace). Maybe that doesn't blow anyone else's mind, but God's plan and forgiveness kind of makes my head spin.
Also, READ CRAZY LOVE. Seriously. It is incredible. And hopefully will pierce your heart as much as it has mine (over and over). It's honest and clear and so needed. "God's definition of what really matters is pretty straightforward. He measures our lives by how we love."
Thank you for allowing me to spill my tired, cluttered thoughts.
Home is where the heart is. Set your mind on things above.
-EB
18.6.11
Unmerited Favor.
I wrote about things I've learned over the past school year. And believe me, those lessons were numerous and hard. But I realize more every day that the God I serve won't allow me to be satisfied with the small amount of wisdom and insight that I have, and that He will keep challenging me to strive to be a better and more genuine Christian and sister.
I worked with the group of Christians in Lutz, Florida over the school year, and I had the opportunity to visit there last night for the first time since finals ended. It reminded me what a powerful learning experience and encouragement that group is. It's a relatively small group, between 30 and 50 people depending on the day, and mostly older people, with only 3 kids under the age of 12 (all siblings.) Coming from a big family and a congregation packed with kids my age, I placed membership at Lutz hoping to get away from my comfort zone and find new ways to be useful. Whether or not I actually was able to have an impact on anyone else, I can't emphasize enough how good the group at Lutz was for me this year.
The small group of FC kids who went there became incredibly close-knit, the conversations after church and in the car rides back were so encouraging and God-centered, and those friendships became my most reliable and fruitful of all my relationships at school. But it wasn't just the college kids. I learned so much from every couple there. Like Mr. and Mrs. Strickland who just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary and despite being in their 80's are more consistently energetic and cheerful and loving at services than I am at 19. Or Mr. and Mrs. Osteen who not only are the most loving couple (to each other) that I think I have ever met, but who never fail to notice if one of the college kids are gone and ask about them or send a message back with the other kids, and who sing out with their whole hearts and spirits, proving their passion for the truth. Bodie always being willing to ask questions or advice and humbly showing respect others despite his age and wisdom. And the couple who had such severe health problems that they were unable to come many times, but who at the end of the year gave every college student 20$ with a sincere apologetic note saying how sorry they were to have been unable to have the kids over for dinner. Everyone in that tiny group of people showed so much love and hospitality and generosity. Even when, by my standards, they didn't really seem able to offer it. They truly gave of themselves, and it taught me so many lessons.
But aside from the appreciation I have for the adults there, I continue to learn from the kids. The Shearers have three children, Anthony, Selena, and Joshua. When Mamaw passed away and I wasn't at church Sunday morning, I got there that night to shy hugs from Selena and Josh and cards from each of them. I have shed many grateful tears over their expressions of love since then, and these two precious cards are so special to me. They both wrote how sorry they were that my Grandma passed away, that they were "so sorry it made me cry," and that they were praying for me and they loved me. That was touching then, but last night when I went to visit, Josh's Mom pulled me aside and told me that he hasn't failed to mention me in a prayer since Mamaw passed away (without her reminding him), and that sometimes he just stops and says "we need to pray for Emma," and says a prayer for me. Wow. That is so humbling. I know that I have countless times told people I would pray for them and done it once or twice and then started to forget about their problems. When I realize that an elementary school student is praying "without ceasing" for me, I just thank God that He gives me chances like this to realize areas in which I so often fail. Caring for others and their wellbeing should be just one way in which I imitate Christ, but it's something I am nowhere near good enough at. Josh's faithfulness in prayer and concern for me humbled me so much and renewed my zeal to be faithful in my focus on others.
Really, I can't begin to express how grateful I am for my Christian family all over, and especially at Lutz, where I learned so much about abounding in love and prayer from friends all the way from 8 to 80. God seriously gives us the people we need in our lives when we need them, and He offers so many opportunities to learn perspective.
I may be mourning a loss in my life, I may be at a crossroads, I may feel lost sometimes, but I am so blessed. Spoiled, even. And as my friend Trent said to me last night, mourning is something to be grateful for when it gives us opportunities for introspection and meditation on what is truly important.
Please join me in praying for the Rutledge family and Cody's friends, whose grief is fresh and piercing. And as I try to follow Josh Shearer's and Daniel's and Jesus' and Paul's examples in a more diligent and selfless prayer life, pray for me and give me ways in which I can pray for you, and we can grow together towards the goal of selfless devotion.
Things that made me smile this week:
--Flowers outside my window
--Texts from my Mom
--Pictures of my niece
--Knowing that NC camp was encouraging for those who were a part of it
--Josh's prayers
--Lutz family
--Plant City family
--Sunshine
--A $40 dress on sale for $9
--New Coldplay music
--Coffee
--Time alone at home to meditate, pray, and sing at the top of my lungs
Lamentations 3.
-EB
I worked with the group of Christians in Lutz, Florida over the school year, and I had the opportunity to visit there last night for the first time since finals ended. It reminded me what a powerful learning experience and encouragement that group is. It's a relatively small group, between 30 and 50 people depending on the day, and mostly older people, with only 3 kids under the age of 12 (all siblings.) Coming from a big family and a congregation packed with kids my age, I placed membership at Lutz hoping to get away from my comfort zone and find new ways to be useful. Whether or not I actually was able to have an impact on anyone else, I can't emphasize enough how good the group at Lutz was for me this year.
The small group of FC kids who went there became incredibly close-knit, the conversations after church and in the car rides back were so encouraging and God-centered, and those friendships became my most reliable and fruitful of all my relationships at school. But it wasn't just the college kids. I learned so much from every couple there. Like Mr. and Mrs. Strickland who just celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary and despite being in their 80's are more consistently energetic and cheerful and loving at services than I am at 19. Or Mr. and Mrs. Osteen who not only are the most loving couple (to each other) that I think I have ever met, but who never fail to notice if one of the college kids are gone and ask about them or send a message back with the other kids, and who sing out with their whole hearts and spirits, proving their passion for the truth. Bodie always being willing to ask questions or advice and humbly showing respect others despite his age and wisdom. And the couple who had such severe health problems that they were unable to come many times, but who at the end of the year gave every college student 20$ with a sincere apologetic note saying how sorry they were to have been unable to have the kids over for dinner. Everyone in that tiny group of people showed so much love and hospitality and generosity. Even when, by my standards, they didn't really seem able to offer it. They truly gave of themselves, and it taught me so many lessons.
But aside from the appreciation I have for the adults there, I continue to learn from the kids. The Shearers have three children, Anthony, Selena, and Joshua. When Mamaw passed away and I wasn't at church Sunday morning, I got there that night to shy hugs from Selena and Josh and cards from each of them. I have shed many grateful tears over their expressions of love since then, and these two precious cards are so special to me. They both wrote how sorry they were that my Grandma passed away, that they were "so sorry it made me cry," and that they were praying for me and they loved me. That was touching then, but last night when I went to visit, Josh's Mom pulled me aside and told me that he hasn't failed to mention me in a prayer since Mamaw passed away (without her reminding him), and that sometimes he just stops and says "we need to pray for Emma," and says a prayer for me. Wow. That is so humbling. I know that I have countless times told people I would pray for them and done it once or twice and then started to forget about their problems. When I realize that an elementary school student is praying "without ceasing" for me, I just thank God that He gives me chances like this to realize areas in which I so often fail. Caring for others and their wellbeing should be just one way in which I imitate Christ, but it's something I am nowhere near good enough at. Josh's faithfulness in prayer and concern for me humbled me so much and renewed my zeal to be faithful in my focus on others.
Really, I can't begin to express how grateful I am for my Christian family all over, and especially at Lutz, where I learned so much about abounding in love and prayer from friends all the way from 8 to 80. God seriously gives us the people we need in our lives when we need them, and He offers so many opportunities to learn perspective.
I may be mourning a loss in my life, I may be at a crossroads, I may feel lost sometimes, but I am so blessed. Spoiled, even. And as my friend Trent said to me last night, mourning is something to be grateful for when it gives us opportunities for introspection and meditation on what is truly important.
Please join me in praying for the Rutledge family and Cody's friends, whose grief is fresh and piercing. And as I try to follow Josh Shearer's and Daniel's and Jesus' and Paul's examples in a more diligent and selfless prayer life, pray for me and give me ways in which I can pray for you, and we can grow together towards the goal of selfless devotion.
Things that made me smile this week:
--Flowers outside my window
--Texts from my Mom
--Pictures of my niece
--Knowing that NC camp was encouraging for those who were a part of it
--Josh's prayers
--Lutz family
--Plant City family
--Sunshine
--A $40 dress on sale for $9
--New Coldplay music
--Coffee
--Time alone at home to meditate, pray, and sing at the top of my lungs
Lamentations 3.
-EB
11.6.11
"seasons change with the scenery, weaving time in a tapestry"
My first year of college is over. It was good, challenging, exciting, not at all like I expected. I definitely feel like it forced a lot of growth and I could have used it to grow more than I did, but I'm so grateful for the opportunities God gave me and lessons He taught this year. I made some wonderful friends, had wonderful teachers, and a wonderful roommate who all made it a powerful year. I'm finally home and starting to unpack and look for a summer job, and it's wonderful to be back in my own bed and in a house with my family again. I'm sure after a few weeks I'll be itching to get back to school and friends, but I am finding lots to be grateful for here.
We lost our dear, fun Mamaw Sherry on April 30th, and it's been hard for my family. She was a huge part of our lives and had been one of my closest friends for as long as I can remember. My first cosmetology client, she let me try out hairstyles and makeup on her long before I should have been allowed to hold a hairbrush or mascara. I'm so grateful to have known her, and even though she was stubborn and crazy sometimes she was a powerful example of strength and perseverance and humility in so many ways. She passed away suddenly, at our house playing with her first Great-Granddaughter Gwen one week and the next week having a massive stroke and being put on life support until I could join the rest of the family at the hospital. My Dad and Micah and Kathryn met me after my first final of the spring semester to tell me to pack my things and go with them to the hospital to say goodbye. Perhaps the element of shock was God's way of helping us to cope with the loss, allowing it to sink in gradually while family was around to help comfort us and remember Mamaw. And it was a powerful reminder as well, because it's so easy for me to feel like I have lots of time to show those I love that I appreciate them, when in reality we aren't guaranteed another moment. When I was packing up my dorm room I found a book Mom gave me at my high school graduation, which was full of letters of advice and love from all the women I know and respect. The last letter in the book was from Mamaw, and it started out by saying "Emma Louise...I love your middle name. It makes me feel like I'm a part of you." I've never been as proud of my middle name as I am now, and I hope she really is a part of me. I miss her every day, and have trouble not feeling shocked when I sit down in services and she isn't there, or when Mom is talking on the phone and I realize it isn't her. I treasure every minute I got to spend with her over the past 19 years, and can't wait to see her again.
So, for now, I am having fun with my family, writing cards to friends who are far away, reading all the books I didn't have time for during the school year, babysitting and working at my fun coffee shop job, anticipating the marriage of Micah and Kathryn, anticipating getting to be an S.I. leader and an Alpha Club member and a Zeta officer and a PTK officer next school year (madness), then anticipating being in two more beautiful weddings this winter, and most of all I'm anticipating Heaven, where I'll get to be with all those who I love and miss praising the God who has blessed and challenged me so much over the past year.
(And writing incredibly long sentences.)
Thank you all for being my dear friends and examples! Let me know how I can pray for you, and I always solicit your prayers for me and my family. We are so blessed!
Love!
-EB
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