Epitome

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Relationship 'Early Warning' System

Being a recent convert to Facebook, it’s astoundingly obvious to note our relationships are a most precious commodity. They’re the absolute zenith of life. Where would we be without our loved ones, family and dear friends, and all those from our past who simply remind us of who we are? Life would be very shallow without our relationships.

But one thing I think we all struggle with is managing and sustaining our relationships. We wander off track from time to time and don’t put in the time and effort required. This goes also for our relationship with God.

It’s almost as if we need an Emergency (early) Warning Intercommunication System (EWIS) like tall buildings and industrial sites have, one that helps us predict when our relationships are going a little out of kilter, and sends a friendly alarm. But, how would this work?

There needs to be a trigger... a regular event triggering thought in this area.

It must take time. It must also take some regular thought and reflection. And I think that it must also take some vision and purpose to plan for the present and future by being intentional around investing meaningfully in our key relationships.

Being an ‘early warning’ system might also mean giving people ongoing permission to give us feedback on how we’re going with them. But, to enter into true, authentic relationships like this takes courage--it involves risk. We risk getting hurt. Others risk offending us. We have to share ourselves and that can leave us uncomfortable, even scared. That takes faith, trust.

Life is not a dress rehearsal; it’s lived in real time and our words and our actions will echo in eternity--to coin a few clichés together. But, it’s true.

When push comes to shove we need to get our key relationships right as best we can, and the rest should look after itself.

What is she really saying?

I’m sure all you married guys out there relate with me when I paint the picture of the marital screaming match. Things are heated and both partners are getting nowhere fast. As the temperature reaches simmering point, he stops as if to realise the futility of the situation and begins another effort to understand his partner. It ends up that what she’s really upset about is not what he thought after all!

The light of reason goes on in our minds in these moments. It all begins to make sense and our wives no longer resemble a weird alien life form we couldn’t previously get through to. And for her, she’s just saying words to the effect, “At last! You understand, finally.”

It was only recently when a trusted mentor painted this image for me saying in a related conversation, ‘we need to find out what our wives are really saying; and, what is it that’s behind the frustration, resentment and anger.’

No one ever promised that romantic and companionate relationships would ever be easy, but what we can deduce from situations like this is this:

Hardly ever are one or both parties to the debate being pigheaded for no reason. There’s always something behind it. There are always real and tangible reasons for our negative reactions.

The real cause of the issue needs to be identified and then discussed sensitively--and this particular male would never venture to say that is an easy thing to do. It’s not straight forward for either partner.

This situation in a relationship resembles the negotiating of a minefield with charges potentially going off left, right and centre as we traverse tentatively toward the destination of understanding and effective relational compromise--the utopic win/win outcome.

As guys we must facilitate this, having faith that her emotion is almost always real and based on a trustworthy logic, as much as ours is. We have to be prepared to listen to what she’s not saying (or what we’re not hearing). Only then might we see the penny actually drop for her.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Prayer for Impending Suffering

I found myself praying this prayer (general words and intent) recently as I envisioned an outcome in life that I would not like to have to deal with; the sort of outcome that blindsides us. I found it helped me prepare mentally in case this outcome were to become a reality. Fortunately, it hasn’t, yet.

Dear Heavenly Father

I acknowledge you above heaven and earth, and all that is in earth and the universe, as yours, owned by you and your sovereign will, God of all creation. I understand and accept you as my personal sovereign and king of all.

You teach me to accept gratefully all that comes to me. I’m indeed truly grateful for this gentle, persistent teaching. Thank you, Lord. Even though it seems totally estranged to love, I realise that you want the ultimate for me and all your people; and that ultimate is to know you and love you and thank you in all circumstances, though we might suffer a great deal in the process.

Teach me, Father, to know your Presence in the midst of darkness, to know that you travel with me when I feel alone, and to know that you’ll never leave me or totally forsake me. Thank you for loving me, especially at times when I feel like an unlovable person.

For what is coming to me, Lord, that which might cause me to suffer, would you give me strength and guile to deal maturely with it? Would you grace me with your holy Presence and provision, insight of wisdom and vision? Would you gently calm me in the midst of the storm? Would you prepare me if my heart were to be crushed? Would you do that now, Lord, even now?

I know you only want the best for me, Lord, and in faith I understand that my understanding might at times fail me. But, I know that you only intend good for me and not harm and I am thankful for such faith.

Again, Lord, humbly I ask, please give me the strength to deal with the pain of my impending circumstances and the ability and awareness to remain thankful.

In Jesus’ wonderful and glorious name I pray,

Amen.

3 Ways to Live a Happy, Healthy Life

I’m unsure if I’m not a lot different to other people but I’ve always been searching for the answer, or perhaps better put, the answers (plural) to life. The title above is a sweeping statement promising ‘an answer,’ or at least an answer in three parts. I offer it in one quote. So, here goes:

“Nothing taken for granted, everything received with gratitude, everything passed on with grace.”

–G.K. Chesterton.

This pithy saying was apparently G.K. Chesterton’s chief goal in life. It’s broken down three ways:

1. Don’t make assumptions (‘nothing taken for granted’)

We’ve presumably heard that to assume things means to make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’ Making assumptions is the good way to get life wrong and end up miserable. We must be disciplined enough to confirm the important details of life; those which we regard as fact.

This part, whilst dependent on not making assumptions, is more, however. It’s saying “thank you” even when you don’t ordinarily need to. It’s acknowledging people especially and not regarding what they do as ‘normal’ i.e. the expected. It’s appreciating and noting the simple things. And this is what lends itself to happiness--appreciating the simple things.

It’s taking time to elevate and appreciate the mundane and routine. It’s seeing the awe in those things most of us take for granted. It’s wonder in life.

2. Be a grateful ‘customer’ always (‘everything received with gratitude’)

This is not too far a leap from the first part of the quote. It is possible to in all circumstances remain positive, hopeful and grateful; but we don’t get there without a lot of work and a special ‘ours only’ journey through life. (God loves us so much he wouldn’t cheat us out of our own unique journey of self-discovery.)

Whilst some might think this that being able to remain positive, hopeful and grateful regarding everything in life is ludicrous, it’s a fact, and it’s back biblically.

This generates its own happiness in that our mental and emotional responses are fortified even before the issue comes; we’re prepared in our hearts and minds to receive well. It’s our default position; our habit. Every habit must be developed, practiced.

3. Always ‘supply’ abundantly, gracefully (‘everything passed on with grace’)

Our abundance is generated from what we receive and how we receive it. This is the most important part to the saying in my view for so often we’re initiating things in our relationships. So often we’re anything but graceful.

Even if we receive something hard i.e. an offense, we can absorb it emotionally before we respond in grace, which is a kindness perhaps not deserved by the person who offended us.

Think of this. How often do we see people respond this way? When we do we tend to instinctually admire them. Grace reeks of both the humility of submission and the strength of heart to protect both ourselves and others, making the absolute best of any situation (see Romans 8:28).

Putting these three parts together again

When we show the diligence of discipline to check the little things in our understandings with people; when we gratefully receive everything; and, when we offer out grace, kindness and encouragement, we are finally on our way to the most basic form of contentment and purpose of our lives.

If there was one way to completely formularise life--and I don’t believe there truly is--this advice of G.K. Chesterton’s would basically suffice. It was profound enough for him, his chief thought.

He added at one time, “I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”[1]

‘Thankfulness (gratitude) is the parent of all virtue.’ –Cicero.

[1] This page is titled “G.K. Chesterton on Thankfulness” posted at Thanksgiving 2008, http://uvcarmel.org/2008/11/28/g-k-chesterton-on-thanksgiving/

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Rejecting Condemnation: Dealing with this Corrosive Spirit

Without doubt the most humbling thing I’ve felt recently is the thought that I’ve condemned people, including myself. It’s an all-too-easy thing to do. We wander off on a tangent because we’re preoccupied and next thing we’ve judged someone--causing at times a great deal of hurt.

This critical, corrosive spirit comes no doubt from fear and hurt, and it propagates itself. Hurt people hurt people and so on. When we’re hurt we’re slaves to the hurt in our lives. Paul tells us we can be slaves to fear and the hurts of the past and of our base nature, or we can be slaves to God, and realise freedom… freedom from spiritual death… and freedom from condemnation.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Jesus Christ, (who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit).”[1] We are freed from sin and death when we cast our cares on Christ and fervently allow his Spirit to train us.

This is a journey towards a flowing, enveloping trust. The fullest sense of trust is zero condemnation, either of self or other people. It’s a trust that fears very little save the fear of the Lord--the healthy, respecting, awed fear that directs life on good paths.

Trust enables us, in faith, to experience a smooth, foreboding peace within--we have no fear of others or ourselves, and no one and no thing is a threat. We therefore have no reason and no opportunity to condemn people or ourselves. Guilt is a thing of the past.

But all this is conditional, one day at a time. God, through his Son, Jesus Christ, is a relational God. The sanctified life requires us to relate with God continually so that his grace might remind us of the fact that we’re forgiven and stand condemned at nothing. All that might condemn us rests squarely at the foot of the cross.

“Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.” –Martin Luther King, “I Have a Dream” speech.

[1] Romans 8:1 (NIV). The portion of the quote in parentheses is taken from later manuscripts.

Being Thankful for Things NOT Received

The worst natural disaster in Australia’s relatively short history causes most of us to reflect and feel and pray for those who are suffering the loss of loved ones and homes, and even donate to funds that will help restore these people and communities ravaged by fire. It is heartbreaking.

One of the things I’ve reflected on of recent, and since this tragedy, is being thankful for not being touched by such devastation. And then I came across this quote:

“For what I have received may the Lord make me truly thankful. And more truly for what I have not received.”

-Storm Jameson.

We don’t often think of thanking God for those things he hasn’t sent us, for instance, a job loss, a runaway marriage partner, or a terminal illness. And, of course, we get into all sorts of a fluster over what we attribute, theologically, as that which God ‘sends’ us, after all he’s a God slow to anger, abounding in his love, isn’t he?

Yet the Bible records many things that he has sent (or allowed); not all of them were or are appreciated. Job, for instance, learns the most profound lessons about God’s providential ways--but only after a significant portion of time in Gehenna. His suffering did have a purpose.

But there is often (though not always) a theological pattern to it. Repent and wholly turn toward him and he will favour us in his own way; in a way that is truly good for us, from the eternal sense, according to his sovereign plan.

I heard on a radio program, in discussing community responses to the fires that some Christians had alluded to this being a ‘judgment from God.’ How ridiculous is it to attribute something like this to God’s judgment. It’s a role confusion--who speaks for God in this way?! In any event, why not any other area of Australia? At a time when God’s people are most called to the compassion of Christ in a crisis such as this, the opposite hypocritical response comes and is plainly not helpful.

We digress… thankfulness for things not received is the matter of this discussion.

We ought to be entirely cheerful in life with our present and past lots, and regarding hope for our future. Everything we have is from God, as well as everything we don’t have. Not having certain things and experiences can be a very good thing.

Isn’t it quite weird that God is very unpopular for all sorts of reasons? He brings (or allows) bad things and suffering some say--would a loving God do that? Others say he requires too much. ‘What point,’ say others. These, of course, are consistent with the modern humanist view in full flight; a view that there’s no need for God--that we’re better off without him.

I suspect few go the spiritual journey with God because they’re afraid of what they might have to give up. Suddenly they might not receive what they’ve grown accustomed to. They think not of what they might gain from committing to a relationship with God.

Most of us plain want our own way. We’re not thankful for the things we’ve been given and we’re certainly not grateful for the things we’ve not been given.

Perception: The Lens of Life

“That colour’s a very dark brown,” Greg says. Carolyn says, “Nah, it’s more like a shade off black.” Apart from minor differences in colour-vision perception, this demonstrates the vast differences possible between each of us.

When I courted my wife I recall noting how incredibly similar we were: our goals, standards and values, and our general plans regarding life. Now we’re married it’s obvious that whilst we do share many commonalities, there are many subtle and discreet differences in how we see the world. It would be fair to say that our views do not align precisely, which on occasion makes for lively discussion!

We all have our own unique ways of viewing life. Similar people are not the same and our perceptions vary greatly. Our perceptions colour our world, shading our version of reality.

The key thing, however, is our perceptions or views of life issues are, or can be, flexible.

We can adjust and change our viewpoints any time we want. The Shaman’s have a saying to this effect:

“We hardly ever realize that we can cut anything out of our lives, anytime, in the blink of an eye.”[1]

Our perceptions are moulded from our breeding and experiences--nature and nurture. But, the point is our minds (not our eyes) are the biggest determining factor in how we view life. We can choose from a mental viewpoint to see things from another person’s viewpoint, for instance.

Appreciating that we all see things so differently caters for the fact that we’re not always automatically right, and in fact, sometimes “right” is pretty difficult to define. So, why do we hold our views so stubbornly at times?

This is a calling toward an open mind and an open heart; to be prepared to shift our views, considering what others bring to the table. This is obviously a great advantage to not only them but us too.

[1] Carlos Castaneda, The Wheel of Time: The Shamans of Ancient Mexico, Their Thoughts about Life, Death and the Universe (Los Angeles: LA Eidolona Press, 1998), p. 75.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)

The old Doris Day song from the 1956 movie, The Man Who Knew Too Much, is a true golden oldie. The song has three quite simple and tight cascading verses forming a woven inclusio around the chorus:

“Que sera, sera.

Whatever will be, will be.

The future's not ours to see.

Que sera, sera.

What will be, will be.”

It’s perhaps a song of a girl expressing expectant hope as she grows through to womanhood, then into a relationship with her partner, before finally she issues the same ‘motherly’ advice to her children who’re expressing this same expectancy of hope typical of the age. It’s a hope that leads to faith; a faith requiring courage to simply let things be.

The song highlights what was in vogue in the era--that of looks and success--will we be beautiful or handsome… will we be rich… will we have the happy (‘rainbow’) life? So, what’s changed? Probably more of a social conscience and possibly a drivenness toward success.

Gen Y people might even want the right job which holds their interest, advancement prospects and perks without having to do some of the hard yards.

Whatever we’re facing in life it really does take faith to let things be. Whatever was, was; whatever is, simply is; whatever will be, will be--whether we like it or not.

It’s the acceptance of faith that underpins this attitude. Whatever we hope for it’s in faith’s hands entirely. We can’t bring it to pass any earlier even if we try.

We are best to hope and be expectant, but we must know the limits of hope. Wishing won’t get us there, though we’re destined to achieve a number of our goals, commensurate with the work and talent we put in.

Diligence and prudence toward personal mastery is the key to making our dreams reality.

Three Great Happiness Quotes

It’s not often we take the opportunity to praise fellow writers, but these three quotes I found in the one location; a discovery like gold. Enjoy them with me, and the thoughts that go with them:

“Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.” –Storm Jameson.

Five things, according to Jameson, are required to feel lasting and authentic happiness. And these cascade. When we feel deeply without fear, courage has taught us there’s really nothing to fear; being one with our feelings is to be truly “us.”

To enjoy simply is to keep things simple--there’s far too much complexity in our lives these days. The simplest people are happiest. To be able to feel deeply and enjoy simply means to be able to think freely, reconciled to life on life’s terms. Guilt doesn’t run our bus.

To risk life is the key to success because how many of us lag behind in life because of fear of things that will probably never happen--and what if they did? Big deal! To be able to risk, we need to feel deeply, enjoy simply and think freely.

Finally, the more functional we get in life i.e. from doing the first four, the more we find we are needed. And this is self-sustaining. In fact, taken too far ‘being needed’ can be burdensome, but not if we have the first four underpinning and balancing our lives.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” –Mahatma Gandhi.

What a contribution Ghandi’s made. He describes in this quote, alignment and congruence, authenticity no less.

This quote reminds me of Rotary’s Four-way Test for the things they think, say and do. This is: 1) Is it the truth? 2) Is it fair to all concerned? 3) Will it build goodwill and better friendships? 4) Will it be beneficial to all concerned? Every thought, decision and action is to pass through these four questions. If it fails one of these then they don’t proceed.

Happiness is achieved when we become true to ourselves and there’s nothing to hide. There’s no cognitive dissonance.

“What if you began to expect the best from any situation? Isn’t it possible that you could write new chapters in your life with happy endings? Suspend your disbelief? Take a leap of faith? After all, what have you got to lose but misery and lack?” –Sarah Ban Breathnach.

When we’re open to the possibilities, it’s amazing what we’d otherwise miss out on. Even if we suspended our doubting genuinely for one month and lived by faith, there is little we’d lose--and how much we’d gain?

We must do this today and waste no more time!

The author I refer to above is Ruth Hegarty and the article can be found at: http://ezinearticles.com/?The-10-Best-Happiness-Quotes&id=1711153

The Beauty in the Mundane

Have you ever been bemused by a cook cheerfully peeling potatoes, seemingly in a world of his or her own? Or what about a musician tuning an instrument, or a twelve year old delivering newspapers? All these are mundane tasks, but each one of these can be a vehicle to living in utter joy.

Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of Simple Abundance said, “It is in the details of life that beauty is revealed, sustained, and nurtured.” With all the detail in each of our lives, what are we missing out on?

Every single activity we undertake can provide enjoyment, even cleaning a toilet.

Let’s take cleaning that toilet. Imagine it’s a disgusting mess; it smells, and there’s caked on grime in the grout, toilet paper everywhere, and inside the bowl is, well, filthy, as you’d expect. Take this image and flip it.

Imagine now how good it could look, and how good you feel for the next person who will use it, and how you’ve made it clean for them. It might make them happy, so you will be happy. Imagine and feel the satisfaction of getting something quite horrible, looking clean and relatively new again.

What about the never ending task? I recall working as a mechanical tradesperson drilling three thousand holes--it took a week to do that job. Imagine my bliss though when I discovered a simple process for doing it efficiently, I then trained myself, and then had all that mental surplus to think about life, love, freedom and to dream about the unknown future.

The mundane is as close as anything to real spiritual freedom. If we’re open to it, it’s there for us. It’s a cool thought to know in the moment how small we are in the detail of life. There’s true peace in quietly going about life incognito.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Goodbye Blue Sky?

For most people who grew up in the 1980s Pink Floyd were legends. Their song by the name of the title of this article speaks I think about the depression of wartime and of loss and ongoing, lasting devastation, particularly the lyric, “The flames are all long gone but the pain lingers on.”

It goes beyond the time of ‘flaming’ tragedy well into the post-war period. And it speaks equally about the ‘pain that lingers on’ in our lives after the personal wars we go through; those which taint life nastily.

There is absolutely no optimism in this Pink Floyd song, and indeed the whole of The Wall film and soundtrack from which this song comes--though an unqualified twentieth Century masterpiece--is entirely bereft of any real hope, speaking to a whole world that’s lost hope. And it’s true to life for millions. That is why I think people resonate with it, and all the other dark, melancholic songs. There’s a side to life where this without doubt true.

Yet it needn’t be like this; the experience of hopelessness. As they say, with battles and wars, we can either get bitter or better. We can suffer in the lasting pain that lingers on, or we can willingly reconcile it all, resuming our lives as they were or reinvent ourselves to an even better “us” in many cases. This is the case for salvation.

Reconciliation means the process to make consistent or congruous i.e. reconcile an ideal with reality, and to cause to submit to or accept something unpleasant i.e. to be reconciled to hardship.[1]

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “Time lost is time when we have not lived a full human life, time unenriched by experience, creative endeavor, enjoyment, and suffering.” In other words, the opportunity for reconciliation of the brokenness within is actually the ticket to true freedom. Suffering is a gate to peace. Peace is a spiritual concept. Suffering is part of a ‘full life.’

Reconciliation is a process taking weeks, months or years. As my daughter learns to drive she is frustrated in how long the process takes--after all, it should be easy, right? The reality is learning to drive--a complex skill--is a process. Healing a major hurt or coming to peace about a situation we’d rather avoid is no different.

The process takes as long as it takes, but it must be about reconciling our past with a hope of, and promise for, a better future.

[1] http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/reconcile

The Value of Scenarios

A manager is unhappy with progress of one of her projects and in a very loud voice at a staff meeting says to the employee who is responsible for the project, “You useless sod, you’ve let me down, and you need to get your act together... if you don’t have this sorted by Friday I will have your guts for garters.”

The employee naturally feels very embarrassed and belittled in front of his/her colleagues at the meeting.

What would be your reaction if you were the employee? What about if you were the manager’s manager?

This is a scenario, a values-focused scenario, to promote discussion, training and planning--scenarios are a great business planning and training technique.

Another different scenario might involve you as the owner of a rail company undergoing a re-sleepering program, finding out that a large batch of concrete sleepers is defective. How would you handle it?

Using Scenarios

Here the scenario is read out and people ponder it for a moment before the chair of the meeting asks some provocative questions to capitalise on the learning and discussion, and even get some conflicting views happening (in a controlled environment). The desired outcome is to reinforce the correct set of actions to take on the scenario, and also to highlight to people how differently we think--this hopefully translates into people not assuming the next person will think like them.

We can use scenarios in all manner of situations where enlightening people to the possible consequences of action is an imperative. They help us to prepare and plan for responses to situations, particularly emergencies.

Emergency scenarios have been used for decades in business and government to ensure any dire consequences are mitigated as far as possible.

The use of scenarios is from the wisdom schema. They help us envision a future we either want to see or don’t want to see, as a means of capitalising on opportunities or mitigating threats.

Personal Value

Scenarios also have a personal application. Think of the times when we’re bored and have a little window for thought--this might not be often. Think of the consequences for foreseeable and likely events that could happen in our lives. What would we do? Are we prepared for them, physically, mentally, emotionally?

Let’s take a moment sometime soon to envision (even for a moment) a scenario that bears thought and consideration. How will we capitalise on the opportunities or mitigate the threats on those things bearing down on us?

Monday, February 9, 2009

"Storm's Coming." -Batman.

There is an ominous feel about living in the world today (this very day). It’s not that there haven't been times like those we face now, but again, one senses the world is bracing itself for an uncertain time of much upheaval. And for what’s about to come, personally through to the more global, we have time now to reflect, ponder and prepare.

It also brings into view a set of cataclysmic circumstances that all people, especially Christians, should continually bear in mind.

There’s a time coming to us all that not one of us can avoid; a time of incredible turmoil and judgment. We daren’t not be in a position where God might say to us, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

–Revelation 3:15-16 (NIV).

We see here that a time of sifting comes; like with flour the impure carnal believer will be separated by their acts in the testing time--those found to be weak, idolatrous and disobedient at the crucial time. Daniel prophesied this:

“… armed forces will rise up to desecrate the temple fortress and will abolish the daily sacrifice. Then they will set up the abomination that causes desolation. With flattery he will corrupt those who have violated the covenant, but the people who know their God will firmly resist him [the 'king of the North'].

“Those who are wise will instruct many, though for a time they will fall by the sword or be burned or captured or plundered. When they fall, they will receive a little help, and many who are not sincere will join them. Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time.”

–Daniel 11:31-35 (TNIV).

There are many who will fall; and some will stumble momentarily. There will be second chances for the sincere. The truly wise will learn through their time of purification and refinement that it is only God we can act for and be subject to; there are no exceptions.

We see God standing at the door, requiring our obedience, even now:

“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with them, and they with me.”

–Revelation 3:19-20 (TNIV).

I recall being at a sermon once where the people there were implored to research the apocalyptic Scripture as a means of right and proper preparation for the end times; should we be doing that now?

Let us know and watch for the signs. We must become truly spiritual in preparation. There’s an inevitable storm coming, and its fury is unimaginable. Only the truly spiritual under God’s anointing, and in fellowship with him, will inevitably survive.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Problem of “Pygmalion Parenting”

We parents sure do put our kids through a testing time don’t we? According to David Keirsey (Please Understand Me) we’re more likely than most to try and manipulate the genetic code as much as possible in producing clones of ourselves, producing children programmed and destined to achieve what we didn’t.[1]

It’s a real problem. People observe new and existing parents and the natural pride they have for their progeny. Parents awkwardly assume their kids will be just like them; think like them, feel like them, plan like them, and have goals like them.

Of course, our logical selves know this is crazy--to ‘load’ our children with this sort of baggage involves the guilt of expectation. Yet, many can’t help goad their kids toward a goal they never quite reached, as if their kids are a status symbol, an enduring family flame.

D.H. Lawrence said, “Let us beware and beware and beware... of having an ideal for our children. So doing, we damn them.”

Whether we ourselves are artisans, guardians, idealists or rationals does not translate at all that they might be. We, as parents, must know ourselves very well, and we must know our kids well, understanding and appreciating (indeed, welcoming) the differences as well as the similarities.

Our function as parents is to promote a “positive self-image in our children,” independent of any preconceived ideas of what they might be or do.[2] Our children’s happiness is to depend largely on them finding their own dreams and following them, with us as parents creating a basic framework of smiling encouragement and support.

This is an exciting thing for a parent. To observe their child play and interact with life, learning about what they want to be and do when they grow up. As a flower’s petals blossom so do our kids as they’re left to explore and discover themselves, with our quiet and affirming assurance.

Our kids must reach the level of independence, with our influence gradually petering out over the years, and we must also leave them eventually with the ability to self-affirm themselves in the absence of ‘Mum and Dad.’

Eventually, yes, we must leave them alone.

Useful sites: http://www.culturechronicles.com/The_Pygmalion_Project.html

ENDNOTES:
[1] David Keirsey, Please Understand Me (California, USA: Prometheus Nemesis Book Company, 1998), pp. 252f-285.
[2] Keirsey, Ibid, p. 285.

Possessing Grace Alone – Snapshot of “Costly Grace”

“Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again, the gift which must be asked for, the door at which a man must knock.” –Dietrich Bonhoeffer. (Italics in original.)

It’s hard for a man like me to comprehend the total width, height, depth and breadth of ‘costly grace’ because apart from one semi-major portion of suffering in my life, I could hardly be more blessed. I certainly can’t identify that much with the persecution of the author proclaiming costly grace and his experiences with the Nazi’s Gestapo and their concentration camps.

Yet, the principles of Bonhoeffer’s theology hold for all of us. Grace is not a free gift in the sense that all deserve it without cost. That is fake grace that won’t at all work. It is just ‘paganism under a different form’ as A.W. Tozer would say. The new believer converted under cheap grace is robbed of the Light and could be confused for years as to what all the miraculous fuss is about.

Cheap grace has much to do with clinging fastly to worldliness, the comforts of things and material possessions and of attitudes natural and of this world; this Christian cannot let go of their love of things a little below the heavenly standard. They’re far too valuable to them. They can’t grasp that grace alone is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9), especially in our weakness. They don’t want to grasp it.

But God has a habit of forcing us kicking and screaming into an experience where we beg for his real grace; then the cost of grace hits home with much gravity.

“Let the Christian rest content in his worldliness and with this renunciation of any higher standard than the world. He is doing it for the sake of the world rather than for the sake of grace. Let him be comforted and rest assured in his possession of this grace--for grace alone does everything.” –Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

The real salvific experience is the knowledge through experience of grace and grace alone (see Ephesians 2:1-10). Having lived under cheap grace for some twelve years and nine months, I am thrilled to have been scorched for the Lord, notwithstanding the pain (and ongoing cost), for I know the grace of the risen Lord Christ--and it is the most magnificent, though terrifying thing. (Tozer calls this vision of God, ‘awful, wonderful, and entrancing.’)

Costly grace is enshrined in the tradition of the ‘broken spirit and contrite heart’ (Psalm 51:17) and the abrupt call to follow Jesus no matter the cost, for we wholeheartedly trust in ‘his yoke being easy and his burden light.’ (Matthew 11:28-30)

Reference: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (London: SCM, 1948, 1959, 2001).

Quotes taken from: http://www.scrollpublishing.com/store/Bonhoeffer.html