Strike

Anyone who reads this blog will know that I believe the main purpose of the 75 teaching unions is to protect and assist those who are utterly useless at their job. There is no excuse for incompetence so lame that they will not embrace and celebrate, nor any great leader that they will not race to accuse of 'bullying'

As for Thursday's strike, my opinion as you might imagine is simple:

The whole thing sums up the wishy-washyness I hated so much about teaching.

If you want something then get everyone together, go on strike and stay out until you get what you believe you deserve. I'd respect that whether I thought the demand was right or wrong because it shows determination, courage and strength.

Half hearted one day efforts can simply be dismissed by the Government. The only reason any schools are closing is because Heads invariably take the easy out and shut the school (invoking the magic genie of 'Health and Safety') whether its a millimeter of snow or three teachers not turning up. With the numbers that are usually off sick anyway, most schools wouldn't even notice.

Keep Your Hair On!

I can't quite understand this case. Did the Council really sack him for being bald? Is he suing them because his hair has fallen out as a result of teaching? Or is he just stark raving mad?

Either way; if I had been the judge, I would have been unable to resist the temptation to insert the phrase: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow ' into my summing-up speech.

Mind you, I suppose that's why I'm not a judge.

The real problem here, which is hidden underneath all the lunacy; is that so many schools have lost all concept of discipline so the kids feel free to openly abuse the staff to their faces, for the simple reason that they know that nothing will happen to them.

A simple comparison- when I was a kid, we had a bald teacher at school who everyone made fun of. However, only behind his back or when he wasn't looking; for the simple reason that had he caught you, he would have caned/ whacked you with a slipper or ruler/ given you 1000 lines or put you in detention for a month whilst you carefully copied out half a textbook.

It makes you realise just how far we've fallen.

Hats

A quick phonecall has established that the last post should have been about 'Hats' and not 'Cats'. Frankly it doesn't really matter as I can't listen to that sort of stuff for more than 10 seconds without screaming. A whole industry has grown up around the idea of churning out guff to captive audiences and I want to be part of it.

For a modest fee, a representative of Chalk Enterprises will come to your school, talk rubbish for a couple of hours and get you playing some simple games. We will offer a cast iron guarantee that the day will be no use to you whatsoever, but it will all be very warm, safe and comforting and you will feel like you are eight years old again.

Actually, thinking about it, an even better idea would be for me to turn up personally, so that you could shout at me, tear up a few exercise books and generally vent your frustrations. I could say patronising things like 'Let's get into small groups and investigate different methods of learning' and you could all scream abuse. I would also provide you with a liberal supply of eggs, rotten fruit and tennis balls. I reckon I might be on to something here...

Enough of that; it's NUT conference time and they are balloting about strike action. Not effective strike action, ie get together with the other 57 Unions and have every teacher in the land downing tools and not coming back until they get a pay rise, some decent working conditions and a few brats expelled; goodness me no, a one day strike which can be safely ignored by the Government.

They are also up in arms about the military recruiting in schools and are outraged that they only tell the kids about the best bits (skiing, windsurfing and shooting people) I believe that is called advertising. The Accountancy company that visited Mrs Chalk's school also forgot to show people working through the night at the end of the Tax Year in their presentation. Let's face it; the teachers who attend these conferences are invariably beardy weirdies (of both sexes) with no hobbies to persue in the holidays. They hate the military with a vengance, because it opposes the things they stand for (beards, dangly earrings and facial ironmongery)

Here's my take on it (from last year) which will doubtless prove unpopular:

If you are born into the Underclass, doomed to attend a dustbin of a school, then a career in the Army might well be your only ticket out of the slums. Yes, if you are unlucky you might be shot by some toerag in Iraq or Afghanistan; but if you manage to avoid that unfortunate outcome, then you can pick up a decent pension after 22 years or look for another employer who will snap you up, knowing that unlike most applicants; a) you will actually turn up to work and b) you will get on with things that you might not want to do without moaning too much.

Alternatively you could of course just remain in the Estate from Hell, where there are no employers and you stand a good chance of being shot by a rival drugs dealer or ending up behind bars for most of your life. The NUT would like to remove your only hope of escape.

Training Day

The end of term can only mean one thing- the celebration of madness that is Training Day. I have received the usual collection of emails describing the horrors that teachers can be subjected to in the name of 'Diversification', 'Cross Curricular Linkage' and the inevitable 'Gender Somethingorother' to name but three forms of torture that are still being used on teachers across the country.

These forms of madness are usually indicative of a weak SMT, who lack the courage to stand up and shout;

'Shut up Fool! This is crazy talk. Get out of my School!' when some well meaning, buckle shoed woman with dangly earrings from the Council proposes that the day be spent doing role play.

One of the best reports was from a school which decided to pay for a lady to come and talk about how different coloured cats could make you think in different ways. (I heard this on the telephone at 11.30 pm punctuated with bursts of hysterical laughter, so do forgive me if I've got any details wrong) Apparently if you have the red cat, then you have to shout out your feelings (I can imagine what mine would be), a green cat means that you use lateral thinking, a black cat means that you tend to be cynical and some other cat means God knows what. Anyway they spent the afternoon doing this whilst the naive and gullible lapped it up, making copious notes and vowing to use it in their lessons, the lady went away a bit wealthier, the Head pronounced it all a great success and the wise just sobbed gently into their hands.

As these events are such a rich vein of madness, I've set up a link to this post on the Sidebar so that your Training Day Tales will live forever.

News

Sorry I've not posted for a few days but I got stuck inside my divan bed whilst playing hide and seek with my nieces. It was a stupid hiding place- God knows where they got the idea from.

Here's a quick roundup of the latest daftness going on in schools:

1) Parents are lying to get their children into decent schools Well blow me down! Of course they do; they make up false addresses, rent flats in the school's catchment area for six months and pretend to live there, print out fake Council Tax bills on their computers and even offer money to complete strangers if they will claim to have done a house exchange. They promise a donation towards the new school minibus or if all else fails, offer the Head some cash over a quiet drink.

I know all this because I have shown friends how to do it. My advice is simple: do whatever it takes to send your child to a decent school.

2) Pupils who make malicious allegations against teachers should be put on a list Absolutely right and the numerous Teachers Unions have been saying that for years and will continue to say it for ever more, but do absolutely nothing. They could set up their own website tomorrow if they wanted to. In fact feel free to use the 'Rate My Pupil' section on my blog.

It's the same story with the endless moaning about the Rate my Teacher website. Sabotaging it or rendering it completely useless would be easy, but would require action which is always harder than just complaining.

3) Schools Minister Jim Knight thinks that classes of 70 are just fine He is as mad as a fish. My Granny was taught in classes of up to 100 and can read and write better than your average 16 year old (despite leaving at the age of 11) but their teachers simply beat the living daylights out of the naughty kids, whereas we are told to empathise with them and dream up excuses for their attitude. I've taught classes of 7 and been unable to prevent screaming mayhem. Most teachers in crap schools are ashamed to admit this sort of thing, but if you are a parent then it's important that you realise that it happens every day.

Shannon Matthews

Thankfully Shannon Matthews is now back safe and sound (ie not with her mother).

Well done to the Police for finding her, after tirelessly searching 2431 residences in the area. Apparently more than two thirds were occcupied by her mother's partners, ex partners, uncles, cousins and stepfathers. (Some by all of the above).

Constructing the family tree was the most difficult part of this operation, requiring many hours on the new Police Supercomputer. Unfortunately the three CDs on which it was stored have already been lost by the Home Office.

Look, can somebody please do us all a favour and adopt this poor kid?

Today

The Today Programme emailed me (they don't know I'm nuts) because of a story in the news claiming that some schools are breaking the rules regarding admissions policy. These schools allegedly ask parents naughty questions about their marital status or financial background, and some apparently even ask for money. Read about it here

My own view is that any Head who doesn't do all of this and more is a complete fool. I've seen it done loads of times (but usually with more subtlety) and I'm sure you have too.

Anyway they would like to talk to anyone who has any experience of this and they assure me that all communication will be treated in the strictest confidence. (Make sure you get them to confirm this in writing and don't enter any naming competitions either)

If you want to tell them anything then email today@bbc.co.uk (Put ‘schools’ in the subject header).

Wizard of Oz

A whole pile of reviews from the Aussie Press arrived today with one or two gems for your amusement. My favourite was from Christopher Bantick, an education commentator writing in the Melbourne Daily:

"This book is one of the most dismal, morale deadening, defeatist and utterly miserable accounts of teaching that you're ever likely to encounter"

I think that's a great turn of phrase and will shamelessly use it myself. He goes on to add:

"This book reflects the life of a loser who should never have entered the classroom"

Well I can't argue with that.

Fortunately he has some good advice for those just starting out in teaching:

'Take risks and live out your calling' which sounds great to me. Our Teacher Recruitment people will be knocking on his door before long. Poor old Ceri will be out of a job.

Anyway, I've emailed Christopher to see if he would be interested in writing a forward for my next book, but haven't heard back yet.

All Night Long

It can't be coincidence that the Government is going to encourage 24 hour drinking, just as Harry comes home from the Big 'A'.

Maybe this was a bad time for Lord Coe to announce that there will be a 'Down in One' competition in the 2012 Olympics.

ps. A quick look round my local supermarket revealed 3 Litre bottles of 'Playground' Cider for just £2.59

How To Be Top

If you have just started off in teaching, then you will be pleased to learn that becoming a Headteacher (don't forget that you mustn't call them Headmasters or Headmistresses any more) is easy. Just follow the guide below:

1) Be ridiculously over enthusiastic from day one. Go round with an inane grin on your face and tell everybody how happy you are to be a teacher. Deny any problems and when asked how you are getting on with Wayne, just laugh like a loon and say that he is "Quite a character!" rather than snarling with rage and shouting; "I hate the little f**ker!"

2) Agree and adopt every new strategy with enthusiasm, no matter how ridiculous. Nod your head vigorously throughout every meeting until it is in danger of falling off into your lap.

3) Clear from your mind the naive idea that only things that might actually succeed should be attempted. Ticking the right boxes is all that matters. Never, ever ask the question "But will that actually work?"

4) Come up with lots of ideas, plans and strategies of your own. Do not waste time considering whether or not they are any good or even if they make sense, just get suggesting them.

5) Make sure your PC credentials are up to speed. Adopt an Anti-Bullying policy and put up some posters of famous Ginger Scientists in your classroom. Say the words 'gender' 'differentiation' and 'holistic' a lot, even if like me; you have no idea what they mean. Pick a physical challenge that the average grandmother could manage and pester everyone for money. ke sure that it is for a fashionable charity that does not have anything to do with men or bottoms.

6) Go on every course you can. Most are utterly worthless. People are either leaders or they are not, but going on some two day 'workshop' looks good and that is all that matters.

7) Above all, do not rock the boat. If your head of department will not back up your request for the immediate expulsion of Darren for spitting on you, just keep quiet about it. If another teacher says that they won't teach Chesney any more because he has told him to f**k off and the Head will not do anything; then under no circumstances must you support them by refusing to teach Chesney either.

Feel free to add any of your own.

Night Nurse

Terrible news today that nine out of ten nurses wouldn't even consider having an affair with one of their patients.

The prospect of a hospital stay terrifies me and I would never expect to get out of one alive. Uncleaned wards full of nasty medicine-resistant bugs. You can't drink and by all accounts the food is disgusting. The only thing that would stop me committing immediate hara-kiri would be the prospect of non-stop, Red Hot Nurse Action.

Now it appears that even this will be denied me. I shall quietly expire at home instead.

Truancy

So the truancy figures haven't gone down after ten years of throwing money down the drain. Here's what should happen in my opinion:

Pass a simple law that says any child found truanting should be arrested along with their parents and made to spend a whole day from 8 until 6 in a blank room with no windows, doing the most boring activities that the teacher (who swaps every hour) can come up with. Parents employers informed, £50 fine taken from wages or Benefits. Believe me they would never, ever do it again. Total cost- a couple of million in overtime for the teachers.

Here's what happens at the moment:

Pupil truants and parents deny it, come up with some lame excuse or just say that they can't control their brat. If the pupil truants repeatedly (say 500 times) then the school can beg their Education Welfare Officer to beg the Council to take the parents to Court. The EWO finds some reason why she can't do it so the teachers beg again, and again. A year later the EWO eventually agrees.

Six months later...

Council decline to take parents to Court. (Parent is mad/has promised to improve/is drunk)
Pupil truants another 500 times, school begs etc.
Council take parents to Court. Parents given a stern warning to improve.
Pupil attends school for a month.
Pupil then starts truanting and the whole process starts all over again. (Unless the child is in the last two years of school in which case nobody even bothers as the Council won't try to prosecute because of the time delay in going to court.)

Total cost of various ludicrous initiatives, vandalism, muggings and burglary committed by truants-£Billions.

Hmmm...

Well, so much for the Telly. I thought they edited out all the good bits and just showed me as a whining teacher, or even worse 'a victim'; which is certainly not what I wanted.

Still I suppose that's the viewpoint they were after, and as more experienced people have said; you get what they wish to portray, not what you want to say. I was probably naive to imagine anything else, so hey-ho.

It's pretty dumbed down TV though isn't it? I'd never seen it before.

The Man on the Telly

If you're not doing anything tomorrow (Wednesday) at seven, you can see me ranting incoherently to Angelica Bell on the One Show (BBC1). We filmed for about twenty minutes and they will edit it down to about four, so I've no idea what it will be like. Hopefully they will keep in the bit where I leap in front of Angelica to save her from being eaten by a crazed dog. Well that's my side of the story anyway...

Oh. I'm the one with the red woolly hat. It was freezing.

Ashes to Ashes

If your average Head was a bit more like Gene Hunt and a bit less like Frank Spencer, then we would not need to spend a small fortune on teacher recruitment adverts.

Turn Your Talent To Teaching

I heard one of the new teacher recruitment adverts today on the radio. A cheerful sounding fellow was explaining about how many galaxies there were to a spellbound class (apart from one wag who very politely asked had he seen them all, Sir?) He claimed to have once been an astrophysicist, which got me thinking:

How many ex-astrophysicists are teaching in the State Comps?

Maybe if you had been caught pointing your telescope at the local gym's outdoor aerobics class, then I suppose you might be asked to look elsewhere for a job. Although to be fair, the Government seems to be doing its best to get scientists to consider other careers by cutting £68 million off the Science budget

Also, if you made a joke about calling a galaxy 'Fred' to a group who were intelligent enough to be listening, then I don't think they would politely laugh; I reckon they would just think that you were a prat.

Five Live

Five Live had a piece this morning about a new Government advertising campaign designed to attract 'high flyers' into teaching. They had a nice teacher from a good school, who had helped produce the adverts, opposite a raving loony from Hell Comp who believed that if we had some discipline in schools then we probably wouldn't need an expensive TV adverts; we'd be fighting off hordes of prospective teachers with a big stick.

During our discussion, I started to give an example of a pupil misbehaving in class and how easy it is for a single disruptive child to utterly destroy your lesson. The other teacher replied with genuine puzzlement:

'Well I'd just tell him to stop and he would'

I think he was serious and maybe it is as simple as that in his school. I pointed out that in my dump, the child wouldn't even bother to aknowledge that you had said anything, but I started to get that age old feeling once again, that there is such a huge gap in the public's (and many teachers') perception of what it's really like trying to teach in a sink school and just how bad some of our customers can be. After all, that's why I wrote my book.

Anyway, you can probably listen to it again if you can get the site to work. It was around 8.30 am. As with all interviews, you always think of much cleverer things to say, five minutes after you've been cut off. Feel free to point these out.

Well, Burger Me!

McDonalds are offering 'A' Levels? It burgers belief!

Send me some more lines, so I can do a proper post.

NUT

One of the numerous teaching unions, the NUT; is holding a ballot of its members to see if they want to hold a one day strike.

This is the sort of approach that we always see in teaching:

When there is a problem, first have a meeting, then get everybody's opinion.
Then do something that is completely ineffectual, but which is designed to make everyone feel like they are making a tough stand and taking firm action.

The main problem in teaching nowadays isn't the money, it's the working conditions. The low status, the mindless paperwork and weak leadership. The constant dumbing down of exams, the stifling PC culture and the fact that there are brilliant and inspiring teachers working alongside utterly useless ones for exactly the same pay. Most importantly of all; the appalling behaviour of so many pupils and their parents, which ruins what should be the best job in the World.

If you want more from your employer, then you either have to convince them that you are worth it, or threaten them sufficiently that they have to capitulate. A one day strike by a minority of teachers does nothing except irritate a few parents.

Minority Report

I have long held an interest in Minority Sports. I don't mean swimming in a Burkha, or stoning your wife; I mean sports that tend not to appeal to a wide audience and have little or no prize money. As a result they do not require hugely expensive high tech equipment and have tended to preserve values of sportsmanship that have utterly disappeared from many more popular ones. (OK, with the possible exception of Rugby)

Anyway, last weekend I was talked into supporting my friend, Jimmy who was doing an event called the Thames Path Ultra. This, believe it or not; is a 50 mile running race from Reading along the Thames towpath.

My job was arduous indeed; I had to drive between the checkpoints and meet Jim at pre-arranged locations where I was to be ready with both refreshments and encouragement.

That was the theory anyway. What actually happened was that the whole area was deluged with rain the week before, so much of the path was actually under water. The runners therefore had to navigate around the flooding, risk life and limb; or do both. It didn't make my task any easier, driving around with my TomTom urging me to 'Turn left now!' down what appeared to be a boat launching ramp into a lake.

What amazed me (apart from the fact that 200 people had chosen to attempt it on a rainy January day) was the sheer camaraderie and good will between the runners and also between their supporters. All the competitors, many of them soaking wet and covered in mud; received a rousing cheer as they passed and I got so caught up with the whole thing that I gave away most of the food and drink that I had brought for my good friend. Fortunately Jim felt too rough to eat anything, so I managed to escape his wrath.

What on Earth persuades anyone to do something like this? I spoke to several runners at the start and was very surprised not to see anyone howling like a wolf, muttering to themselves or sticking pencils in their ears. They all seemed very happy and excited and couldn't wait to be off. Many were obviously veterans of this type of event, with their miniature backpacks (there was a minimum emergency kit list that had to be carried) patched with duct tape, torn Ron Hills and shoes that had clearly seen some serious mileage. (One man was laughing at anothers tale of getting hopelessly lost on a recent training run that had started and finished in the dark) Others with cleaner and newer looking kit, seemed rather more worried about what they had got themselves into and were shuffling towards the back of the starting lineup.

When I spoke to a few more at the end, I was struck by their modesty-despite having achieved something few of us can even contemplate (virtually a double marathon over pretty awful terrain) there was none of the hysterics that you see when a footballer scores a goal, instead I heard comments along the lines of 'Yeah, I had a few bad patches' (This from a man who had blood oozing from his shoe and appeared to be wearing the remains of his last meal on the front of his top.) Nobody moaned that the checkpoints were 10 miles apart and only gave out water. The race organiser was clearly one of those rare people who put tedious 'Health and Safety Regulations' secondary to the idea of 'You're an adult- take responsibility for your own actions.'

The whole thing was a very refreshing glimpse of a side of humanity that often goes unnoticed. (Especially on my blog.) ie acts of simple generosity, kind words and the sharing of limited resources. I think part of it is moving out of your comfort zone, which we never ever have to do in the modern centrally heated World. Even when I helpfully said: 'Keep going. You're looking good!' to a man who was on his hands and knees in the mud, retching; I received nothing more than a wry smile.

Anyway, well done to Jim and all the others who took part in something which I can honestly say; quite moved me.

ps Those of you who have suggested that my titles are shameless attempts to misdirect people looking for other topics; are of course correct.

If You Want To Know The Time...

The very best of luck to all those Plods marching on Whitehall today. Readers can show your solidarity with the Police by stopping the next one you see and telling them all about the abusive text messages that you have been receiving from your ex partners new ex.

Learning From Johnny Foreigner

We can learn a lot from other Countries; for example, how to eat animals we never thought were edible and ingenious new ways of requesting a stranger's bank details.

I'm all for following the The Germans (even though at the back of my mind, I do wonder whether it's just a way of sneaking an advance party into Russia) and The Americans are on to a great idea here.

Feel free to submit any more examples of good overseas practice (and I shall investigate them as part of my Diversity Training)

Country Ways

Herefordshire County Council have backed down on their plan to close or merge 37 schools across the County, probably due to much protesting by the locals. I'm not going to pretend that I know a great deal about all this, but I do know one thing.

As a general principle, smaller schools are better for kids than massive schools. In small schools, the teachers know every child and a fair number of the parents. In a big school the children are simply statistics.

However big schools are cheaper so that usually ends the argument.

Hitler, That Well Known Anti German

Jacqui Smith has shown her determination to monopolise all this week's posts by renaming Islamic terorrism as 'Anti Islamic Activity'

That should solve the problem. Osama will be quaking in his boots.

Let's not hear any mention of 'Newspeak' nor any suggestion that she should be renamed as 'Unemployed'

The Very Highest Double Standards

Jacqui Smith has announced that she would be frightened of walking streets of London alone at night. I would be too, but isn't it her job to make sure that the streets are safe at night?

Imagine the outcry if say, the Education Secretary said that they were sending their children to a private school because the Comprehensives where they live are terrible? It just couldn't happen.

Heavy Metal

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has announced that metal detectors will be used in some schools to try and prevent pupils bringing in knives. Like all ideas we need to think about how it could actually work in practise.

Let's assume that it takes on average 30 seconds per child (by the time they've triggered the damn thing with pencil sharpeners, belt buckles, watches etc and had to go through again, then triggered it again, then refused to go through it again, stormed off and returned with their mother who will want to complain about radiation, rights or something...)

Let's also assume that we are given two detectors so that we can use two entrances at the same time. With our 900 pupil school, we should be able to get everyone inside in just 3 hours and 45 minutes. So if we can make a prompt start at quarter to nine, then we will be finished by 12.30 just in time for lunch. Pupils found to be carrying knives will then be given a 20 minute detention. (Attendance optional)

Let's not hear any talk of ceramic knives, baseball bats, or chair legs and don't even think about windows or Fire Exits.

Doctor Who?

This article alleges that:

The bogus Irish International University (IIU), which offers sub-standard and worthless degrees, has been allowed to flourish in the UK - virtually unchecked by the government - for the last seven years'

Basically, they rip off a load of foreign students and give them a bit of paper which will make an employer double up with laughter. Shouldn't we be encouraging this? Most former Polytechnics have been busy offering sub-standard and worthless degrees for years. Cultural Studies anyone?

Prof. Frank Chalk (Dr. of Lettuce...er Letters)

You Gotta Have Faith

The Times reports that middle class parents (ie the ones that care about their children's education) are pretending to be deeply religious in order to get their children into Faith schools, which on average are much better than non faith schools.

Several friends of mine have had their child baptised and become best pals with the local vicar or priest, even though they have no more belief in Religion than I do. As you might have come to expect, my view on all this is quite simple:

The kids may well get indoctrinated, but at least they'll be able to spell it.

Mind you, nobody is pulling the wool over the eyes of the Teaching Union, NUT. They have spotted that: 'Faith schools discriminate against pupils from non religious backgrounds.'

Economics Lessons

This brat has been taught that you can steal £44 and if you are unlucky enough to get caught then you must pay back £75.

Sounds pretty good odds to me.

English Lessons

Whilst I wish Mrs Gorman had been my English teacher, I can't help but wonder whether the punishment have been different if she had been male and the Sixth Former, female? Perhaps Mr Caudle-Wood can tell us? (When he gets out)

Soft Options

Soft 'A' Levels? How can anybody claim that Leisure Studies is an easy option compared with say Further maths? Oh, ok then.

The real scandal is that 35% of the students who take Further Maths are from Private Schools, despite the fact that only 7% of kids attend them. The Comps just can't attract teachers who are able to teach it, or teach students to a high enough level that they can even attempt it.

R.I.P.

Oh no, I've just discovered that George MacDonald Fraser died last week. I slept through History at school because it was as dull as ditchwater and this brilliant author of the Flashman series of books is the only reason I know anything about the subject at all. He was banned in countless libraries and when the first book was published in the US several of the reviewers thought it was a genuine biography.

There are dozens of great Flashman quotes, one of my favourities being:

'Somebody screamed in terror- fortunately nobody heard me.' and

'You think twice about committing murder when you're over 70'

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you all. I know this is a bit late, but I've been skiing. If you ever go away with Crystal Holidays, please bear in mind that it appears to be a pre-requisite of their Reps that they are utterly helpless in all situations and unable to speak one word of the local language.

Guardian of Law and Order, and winner of the 'Best Police Inspector's Blog 2007' award Inspector Gadget sent me this article enquiring if it was anything to do with me. It isn't, as the chances of me ever progressing to Head are lower than John Prescott's IQ, but it made me laugh. (Especially where the mother said that she had 'cried and cried')

(Incidently Gadget's book will be out in the next few months and I've heard that it is a cracker.)

I love local papers with their 'Cat stuck up a tree' or 'Mrs Miggins falls over in the High St.' stories. Here's one that strikes a chord though. Apparently they reckon that litter bins attract litter. A cursory glance around Downtown indicates that areas frequented by the Underclass seem to attract litter. (Along with feckless, shell suited lumps) No doubt sociologists would have a field day about 'deprivation' and 'poverty' but how much exactly does it cost financially to put litter in a bin or take it home? There is a cost in effort though, which explains everything.

Schools like St. Thickchilds are knee deep in crisp packets, takeaway cartons and chocolate wrappers. Nobody is ever made to clear it up for a variety of imaginary Health and Safety reasons explained by a Head who has undergone an operation to have his spine removed.

Jumping around a bit, I'm sorry that I missed this story (which is also a bit out of date) I'm not surprised that Santa has fallen victim to the PC Brigade, his days were always numbered and I've never really trusted any man with a beard. No, I'm more surprised that prospective Santas go on a training course.

I'm still only posting occasionally as Dan the Editor is unaware that slavery has been abolished in Britain. Good luck to those of you who are going back to school today

Bah Humbug!

Stone the crows! I thought I'd return a few days later and see if anyone had come up with an answer to those three questions and by the timings on the posts it looks like I made the usual mistake of judging everybody else by my own low standards.


Chalks 7th Law of Teaching states that the intelligence of the staff is proportional to the intelligence of the pupils in their school. So clearly Mark Wilkinson does not work at St. Thickchilds. He wins because he was first to get them all right and even spotted my foolish mistake of assuming that the rule was proved after just four measly examples.

Oh I forgot; number 3 is the Monty Hall problem. I just tried to rewrite it slightly but as anonymous has pointed out it only works if I know which cup the diamond is under, so I can always choose to show you the other, empty one.

I do quite like problems like these as they demonstrate just how wrong common sense can be in unfamiliar circumstances. Mind you, I like beer more.

I'll have to think up a suitable prize now. Suggestions welcome

Merry Christmas!

This time last year, you were no doubt glued to your computer screens each morning to see what lay behind the door on Mrs C's Advent Calender. As we got a bit giddy with all the excitement we've decided to give it a miss and calm ourselves down this year. Instead here's three puzzles for you. First correct answer in the comments box for all three wins er... something good.


1) We are at a Xmas Party exchanging merry banter and you happen to mention that at the last party you attended, it turned out that two of the guests had the same bithday.

Quick as a flash, I offer to bet you £100 that two people in this very room have the same birthday. We quickly count them and see that there are 48 guests. Assume that I have never met any of the guests before; should you accept my bet? (+explain why?)

2) Ignoring your reluctance to engage me in any further conversation, I produce a deck of cards and you notice they all have a number on one side and a letter on the other. I announce that the cards obey a simple rule: if a card has a number three on one side then it must have a letter 'H' on the other.

I throw down four cards onto a convenient table '3' '8' 'T' and 'H'. You have 20 seconds to tell me which of them you need to turn over to prove or disprove my rule.

If you have not timed yourself ruthlessly and submit an answer, I shall know.

3) Even though you are now sidling away from me, I refuse to take the hint and regain your attention by producing a large diamond and three cups. I place the diamond under one of them and shuffle the cups around so that you lose track of where it is. I announce that if you guess correctly then you can keep the diamond. After a brief pause you place your finger on one of the cups. Rather than turning it over, I actually turn over one of the two other cups revealing it to have nothing underneath.

Now I offer you a choice: you can either stick with the cup you have chosen or swap to the other untouched cup. What should you do and why?

The last puzzle is quite famous, so you can have a bonus point if you know its name.

Merry Christmas
Frank

The Nativity Play

It is traditional at this time of year for all those with children of their own to decide to have an afternoon off to watch their child perform in a nativity play, whilst somebody else does their work for them. There will be no financial penalty for the play watcher or reward for the lesson coverer.

Those of you without children should think of it as an opportunity to say thank you for being allowed to cover for them during the year when they have been off because their children are ill.

For a change this year, I would like to ask that all those of you who are childless go into the Heads office waving an Ocean's 13 DVD and confidently inform them that you need the afternoon off to watch the film in the comfort of your own home with some friends. You need to leave school by about half twelve because you've got to pop in to the supermarket to get some wine and crisps...

Oh, do not under any circumstances complain in front of teachers whom you have covered for; as they have a well practiced but baffling argument along the lines that they are producing the workers of tomorrow and we should be grateful etc...

Pay and Display... You Pay and I Display

Gavin Brazg emailed me today. He runs an internet site called The advisory which gives all sorts of advice about buying and selling your house.

Why am I going on about him and his site? He has offered to give £50 to The Myelin project.

Whilst it's true that for £50 I would probably recommend John Darwin's Travel Guides, I can say from my own experience, that his tip about haggling down estate agents fees is spot on.

So if you are buying or selling a house click on the Sidebar Link and see what he has to say.

Anybody else who wants to be in Pay and Display, just email me.

Listen Up!

If you happen to be buying your Christmas Tat from Amazon this year, do me a favour and click on one of the book icons on the right hand side of the blog to get to Amazons website. You don't have to buy my book, just go via this site and they send me a small commission on whatever you spend.

Contrary to popular belief, this money doesn't get spent on beer, dive trips to the Red Sea or even a new pair of skis. It goes to the Myelin Trust http://www.myelinproject.co.uk/ who finance research into curing MS.

I selfishly chose this charity because a mate has the disease. So far I've raised about £150 but when I've totted it up properly I'll get them to send a receipt so I can stick it up on the blog. (As I know perfectly well that you all think it's a scam!)

STOP PRESS

After spending the last 24 hours in Liverpool, Gillian Gibbons has demanded that she be returned immediately to a Sudanese Prison.

At least She'll have Lost A Few Pounds In That Jail

Gillian Gibbons today thanked the Sudanese President for his generous pardon:

"I am so relieved that this awful misunderstanding is finally over and I am very much looking forward to being reunited with the children I teach, my lovely colleagues and the school dog Mohammed"

And So Is This...

Poor old Gordon Brown is under fire again today after claiming that he saw no reason to doubt the authenticity of a £2 million pound donation from Sharon Watts, checkout girl at Tescos.

Mind you, anyone who thinks the GTC is a bit harsh should get a job in Sudan, where ex-pat teacher Gillian Gibbons was recently interviewed on Kartoum Radio:

Ahmed: "So Gillian, how are you enjoying life in our wonderful country?"

GG: "Well it's alright, very sunni and warm, but I do think that banning alcohol is a bit much. I mean, I'm not really a big drinker; but you know what it's like after a long week learning the Koran off by heart... It's hard work and you need a drink, especially in this heat. Come on Ahmed, you must have a few contacts who could help me get lashed?"

Don't Worry, This Is A One-Off

I was going to tell you about the latest revelation from Downing St. that Alistair Darling sent the bank details of 25 million Brits to a Nigerian email scammer who said he 'needed them urgently for good helping with a PhD Project'

but unfortunately The Daily Mash beat me to it. Hats off to them, they're always spot on.

Apparently the abject failure of eleven hopeless overpaid dandies last night is going to cause a collapse in the economy.

I'm too busy with the new book to post regularly (and in any case, sales of Frank Chalk went up as soon as I stopped!)

Mrs Chalk's department decided recently that pupils should be given projects to do rather than dull, old fashioned learning type homeworks. The result of this is that every 14 year old child in her class can produce a messy pile of gloop that they call a model of a cell; made out of plastecine, jelly and God knows what, but cannot name a single one of its parts.

That's what I call progress...

David Cameron wants pupils to stand up when a teacher comes into the classroom. I'm all for this, in fact I'd have them kneeling down and touching their foreheads to the ground. I can't say that I ever had any problems getting kids to stand up; it was getting them to sit back down again and stop running round the room shouting "F*** Off!" that used to stump me. I notice he didn't have much to say on that score.

Oh, Thanks to Random House- they are publishing It's Your Time in Australia from Jan 1st. That should put a stop to any more Aussie teachers coming over. I've agreed to be interviewed by Kylie in mid Jan.

Look after yourselves (and don't get a job in Los Angeles)

Thank God He's Stopped!

I'm going to stop doing the blog for a while as I'm busy working on a new book for Dan Collins of Monday Books and being male, I can only do one thing at a time.

I'll leave it all up and you should feel free to continue to add comments (which are often far better than the posts).

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have read the blog, commented on the posts or bought a copy of 'It's Your Time You're Wasting'. I've thoroughly enjoyed doing them both. There might also be some news on the telly front soon, but we'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, if you haven't read the book I'd certainly recommend it.

Apparently some of you are busy pretending to be me on the TES forums and upsetting people. This is an absolute disgrace and an insult to my integrity, so feel free to continue.

Oh, have a look at News from Monday Books for updates now and again.

University Challenge

Far more 18 year olds go to University nowadays than in the past. The Government has decided (probably correctly) that taxpayers don't want to foot the bill for this huge increase in student numbers. There are two results of this policy:

1) Many students leave with huge debts which they will be paying off into their 30s.

2) There are lots of students who are as thick as a whale omelette.

Now you could argue that the economy needs more graduates. I'm happy with that if you mean Engineers, Chemists or Computer Scientists. But do we really need graduates with Mickey Mouse degrees in Media, Footballers Wifery and Celebrity Studies; or should we stop conning them into wasting three years amassing huge debts, before discovering that they can only get a job in a call centre?

Put 'Em Up!

Right let's have a fight.

Teachers: what do you think about the kids you teach and their parents?

Parents: what do you think about your kids and their teachers

Pupils: what is your preferred brand of cider?

Any other group such as Employers, Police, Doctors and Park Wardens should feel free to join in as well.

Osama Video 'Boring'

After receiving ‘hundreds’ of videos from Osama Bin Laden, the British Government has finally told the BBC to send him one of their own.

Cabinet Minister Alan Millington who asked not to be identified, told us today:

"We're all sick to death of Osama's videos cluttering up the office. I got a headache watching the last one because they couldn't even keep the camera steady. Bunch of bloody amateurs. That same old cave and rusty AK47. Doesn't he realise it's all about location, location, location. And as for that flea bitten robe he always wears…

Our first aim must be to try and get Osama to improve the quality of his films if he is going to keep on sending us the damn things. Personally I'd like to just tell him to stop, but the BBC has all sorts of quotas to try and encourage ethnic minorities into broadcasting.

Anyway, we've asked them to send him some tips on how to make a decent ten minute presentation. You know; vary the tone of your voice, use proper lighting and a few basic special effects that can be done in a cave. We think that he could make the overall tone a bit less confrontational and they will enclose a few of their guidelines on being more inclusive- he never has any blacks, women, homosexual or disabled people playing lead roles, which as we’ve explained to him several times; is just not on these days. He should consider trying out PowerPoint also."

Head of Drama Productions at the BBC, Cedric Smythe-Wilkinson was more positive about the famous cave dwelling film maker.

"To be honest, I quite liked Osama’s early stuff, when he’d just got the camera. It was really atmospheric- you know, all those threats and cries for universal Jihad. The one where they’re having a yard of ale race in the cave and he called Tony Blair a puff was hilarious but we weren’t allowed to show it in case we got complaints of homophobia.

Trouble is nowadays it’s just his holidays and Christmas family get togethers, which always have load of karaoke- they’re all really into that. He likes to grab the mike, jump on the table and sing that old Gary Glitter “I’m the leader" song. Thing is, if he listened to the news a bit more he’d understand that we aren’t allowed to play any Glitter stuff nowadays either, but he thinks we’re just picking on him.”

Head of Sixth Form

I can confirm that This man has been offered a job doing the new teacher recruitment adverts. (Rather than the Government's new road safety campaign)

Actually he nearly blew the interview at the last minute, due to a misunderstanding when the secretary said "We're prepared to give you the job..."

Northern Rock

Good news at last for Northern Rock savers- the Nigerian State Bank has today agreed to buy the beleaguered building society for the sum of £108 billion.

Peter Hillditch, the General Manager confirmed this morning that secret negotiations, which had taken place over the last couple of days had been successful:

"Due to the extremely short timescale in which this deal has been brokered, the terms and conditions are somewhat unconventional. Lagos Bank will transfer £32000 of the money into each of our customers' accounts once we have sent all their details including addresses, passwords and mother's maiden name. We feel that this is a truly wonderful result for all our members."

Copperfield!

David Copperfield has finally exposed himself.

He's a top bloke and I wish him all the best in Canada.

Teacher Of The Year

Well done to Susan Green who is the best teacher in Britain. The rest of you really should pull your socks up- she's only been teaching a year and uses puppets.

According to the article she was presented with a gold Plato. This is either a priceless statue of the famous Greek philosopher or evidence that the reporter could do with some spelling lessons from Ms Green.

Is there really a Minister called Peter Peacock?

Shameless Advert

If you liked my book, then have a look at the other titles published by Monday Books

If you didn't like my book (for example, if your child is called Wayne) then buy another copy and read it again. You might enjoy it more the second time.

The Man On The Telly

Those of you who subscribe to the conspiracy theory that David Copperfield and I are the same person will be able to watch me on Panorama this Monday at 8.30 pm.

Parallel Worlds

Have a look at this article

Replace the word 'Police Officers' with 'Teachers'. 'Constabulary' with 'Schools' and... well you get the idea.

The decline in the Police Force exactly mirrors the decline in Education. We face the same problems; weak leaders, endless Government meddling, lack of public respect or support and ever increasing, mindless bureaucracy.

They can't strike and we won't.

Go Away.

Here's a good example of a nonsense story:

Despite the headline, Mrs Horsman has not been banned from her daughter's school at all. They have simply asked her to make an appointment rather than just turning up if she wants to speak to someone. How outrageous. After all, if you want to see your doctor, optician or dentist, you can just barge in and they will see you straight away... Oh no, hang on a minute; they won't.

All manner of freaks, nutters and window lickers used to turn up at my school; ranting and raving, swearing, shouting and usually demanding to have Mr Chalk 'sorted out.' The Head was too weak to simply tell them all to clear off.

School Uniform

Parents- make sure your child has his kevlar blazer properly buttoned up for the new term.

Here's a link to the supplier of the new St. Thickchilds School Uniform. They offer a 10% discount for whole class orders.

Nasty Little Scrote

A far more suitable punishment would be to stick 925 000 volts through this wretch as he will probably be let out in two and a half years.

The Department of the Blindingly Obvious

A recent study by Southampton University shows evidence that behaviour is affected by certain food additives.

Now tell us something that we didn't know.

The vast majority of the behavioural problems currently blamed on a variety of fashionable complaints are down to nothing more than poor diet, weak parenting and lack of exercise.

Oh sorry, I've said that nine times before.

Birthday Present (Well not present actually)

Here, for your amusement is the verbatim transcript of a telephone conversation which took place earlier today:

Bring, Bring! Bring, Bring!

Mrs Scuzzer (groggily):" Uh, 'ello?"

Mrs Chalk (brightly): "Good morning Mrs Scuzzer, I'm just phoning because your daughter Tequilla wasn't in school yesterday and we didn't receive any phone call from you. Is she ill?

Mrs Scuzzer (wide awake now): "No, it was her birthday!"

Mrs. Chalk (somewhat dumbfounded):"Er..well...erm..."

Click

Why Not Scrap The Exam And Just Give Out The A*s?

2007 AQA Biology GCSE (3 modular tests, spread out over 12 months so you only need to revise a few topics at a time) 28 marks out of 45 (62%) on the first paper gets you an A* Grade. Subsequent papers are expected to be graded on the same basis.

1982 JMB Biology O Level Paper (Exams cover all of two year syllabus) 80.1% required for a Grade A, according to the examiners report.

Dumbing down? No, no, no. The pupils are just getting cleverer.

The two kids that I feel sorry for are:

1) The highly intelligent pupil who has worked hard and would always have answered 95% of the questions correctly. They receive no real recognition of their talent.

2) The kid who scrapes a 'C' Grade and is told how clever they are. They are encouraged to study the subject further and later discover after wasting much time and effort that they have no real academic ability whatsoever. They have been completely conned.

Oh, for non teachers- A* is the grade above A nowadays (Don't ask me why)

Those Who Can etc

The TDA have just sent me one of their latest adverts, which aim to try and persuade more people to go into teaching.

No it isn't

In response to those who emailed asking if this was me writing under another pseudonym; I'm afraid that it isn't, but I do like it.

Tough Talk but no Trousers...

Goodness, this is a tough, draconian measure.

Poor old Liam and Chesney will no longer be allowed to drink cider in the park, go on a shoplifting expedition, or hang round the school gates shouting out their opinion of the Headmaster's parents.

Unfortunately like all the other tough measures, there is never any mention of what will happen to Coyne when he simply ignores it. As you can breach your ASBO 25 times with impunity, or keep your child off school without any fear of the Local Authority taking you to Court, I don't think that expellees with a love of the great outdoors should worry too much just yet.

Shazney Smallbrain Has Just Graduated From Primary School, Age 26...

Primary School Teachers will no doubt be jumping for joy over Tory proposals to make kids who haven't learnt to read, write or do the odd sum; stay on for another year rather than go to Secondary School where they will have absolutely no chance of keeping up.

Predictably the Teachers Unions have described it as unworkable (forgetting that it works in the US, Germany and several other countries which I'm sure readers will name)

The average member of the public might well say: "Why on Earth can't they manage to teach kids to read in seven years?". After meeting Ashley or Dwayne and their parent, they would probably change this question to: "I wonder if I could get him to sit or fetch a ball?"

The professionals will twitter about self esteem and stress, but I can't help but think that we should teach Wayne to spell 'esteem' before telling him whether it is high or low.

What do you mean, any fool can go to Uni nowadays?

Didn't get on to your first choice course? Never mind, it's time to broaden your horizons.

How about a degree in Fashion Buying at Manchester Metropolitan University? Don't forget to buy an umbrella for when the deluge of job offers arrives in three years time.

Philip Lawrence's Murderer

I don't want to send Learco Chindamo (who stabbed and killed Headmaster, Philip Lawrence) back to Italy next year when he is released. I want to keep him in jail where he belongs.

CBI vs NASUWT -Seconds Away, Round One!

A poll of 507 employers shows that over half think that the English and Maths of school leavers is not good enough.

Chris Keates who is leader of the NASUWT, one of the many teachers unions; disagrees. He says that 'progress in Maths and English over the last ten years has been remarkable'

Who is right?

A Level Results Shocker!

I was very disappointed by the A Level results this year. Mainly because the absence of the following pictures in the press cost me a £20 bet with Mrs C.

1) The group of pretty girls from a nice Private School and their young attractive headmistress, delighting over their superb results.

2) The twins with identical grades.

3) The Chinese boy who only learnt English last month and has got 20 A Levels.

4) Ashley from Scagton, who is the first member of his family ever to go to University.

These pictures were once the Gold Standard of exam reporting. You could depend on seeing them each year at this time. Their absence is the clearest sign yet that the A Level is in serious decline.

Postings will continue to be sporadic until 3rd September, when normal poor service will be resumed.

Here We Go Again.

The Professional Association of Teachers are holding their annual conference for teachers with nothing to do in the holidays.

They have kicked off by passing a motion, demanding the closure of Youtube, source of many a hilarious and/or death defying video, on the grounds that pupils use it to bully them.

The sad and depressing image of fully grown adults claiming once again to have been bullied by children should further convince the general population that we bring most of our woes upon ourselves. Unfortunately they are starting to think that all teachers are like this.

I wonder if Google, who have just paid a couple of billion dollars for Youtube will decide to close it down?

ps Hoorah for the sunny weather at last.

A Disgrace

This article alleges that teachers are helping pupils with their Coursework. This is both illegal and immoral.

I can honestly say that I never gave any pupil unfair help with their coursework unless their parents paid me a decent hourly rate to do so. Teachers doing it for free are completely undermining the integrity of the profession. I have no idea how widespread this problem is but would be interseted in your comments.

Breaking News!

Poor old Shambo is now a burger.

'A' Level Space Invaders

All this talk about qualifications being 'dumbed down' is clearly nonsense. A Media Diploma where pupils are expected to 'critically respond to a range of computer games and discuss why enthusiasts like playing them' is going to be every bit as challenging as boring old Maths, Physics and Chemistry. If you can master 'Printing banners for a party and performing a stand up comedy routine' then top Universities up and down the Country will welcome you with open arms.

Why is anything that contains the word 'Media' always so good for a laugh?

ps I foolishly attempted to drive to Hereford last Friday and ended up spending the night in the car park of a pub on the A44 just outside Worcester as the waters rose all around me. Any readers who've suffered in the recent floods certainly have my sympathies.

Here comes the Summer...

There will be fewer posts over the next few weeks as the last thing any teacher would want in their Summer Holidays is to have me droning on about schools etc.

If you are a teacher then make sure you enjoy your holiday.

If you're not... then that's probably worth celebrating as well.

Now go and buy three copies of my book.

All the best
Frank Chalk

ps There is no truth whatsoever in the rumour that Angela Mason and myself are standing for election to the General Teaching Council next year.

Reality TV

On Crimewatch the other day, half the villains were black, a couple more were Asian and one was white. I don't know how they get away with it. Don't they know that simply isn't allowed?

If the makers of Crimewatch bothered to watch some modern thrillers they would see how things really are, especially if the director considers himself to be 'radical' and 'cutting edge'. All criminals are thuggish looking white men with skinheads and Mr Big the crime boss is a well spoken white gentlemen. There will be a corrupt Police Officer who is easy to spot because he looks a bit funny and never laughs. He is also white with very little hair. There are definitely no Middle Eastern men running round shouting at Allah before going 'pop!'

If I was bald I would definitely sue the makers of these films for discrimination or something innit.

ps. The BBC have denied rumours that they are filming a tv adaptation of 'Tintin in the Congo'

Daily Sport

I think this is a great idea. Five hours sport a week is just what many teachers need.

Oh hang on a minute, it's for the kids. Well, that will be a good thing too. I know I harp on about it, but exercise really does work wonders for their behaviour.

Mind you whether it actually happens or not is a different matter. Halfway down the article we hear about the 'Competition Manager' which sounds like another dodgy made up taxpayer funded job (yes, I have applied to be one).

Hmmm... Maybe not.

This wasn't quite what I had in mind as a suitable Summer Holiday activity to keep the brats out of trouble; but if you happen to have a train ticket to Grindelwald, an old pair of skis and a large kite, then it might be just the thing to while way an afternoon.

Incidentally about halfway through, you can just about make out a circular viewing window in the side of the mountain where the train stops and you can look out. Some people will do anything to avoid paying for a return ticket.

Finally, one top tip from a Health and Safety perspective- Don't forget to take Swiss Francs with you, as Switzerland is not a member of the EU.

Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler...What did they know?

The textbook for the new GCSE Physics syllabus has just arrived at St. Thickchilds.

I read the other day that only 20% of Americans realise that the Sun goes round the Earth. Apparently the figure is similar in the UK except that more people asked what a percentage was.

All you old fashioned 'Heliocentric' teachers should visit this site and brush up on your Astronomy. Here you can learn about geostationary satellites and here you can buy a mug to leave around in the Science Prep Room.

Brace Yourself!

Oh yes! It's that time again. Brace yourselves for the million kids who will shortly be roaming the streets and shopping centres looking for trouble.

Why are they bored? I reckon there are two simple reasons.

If you are over 35, go for a walk around the area you grew up in. Visit the fields and woods that you played in as a kid.

Oh dear, they have all been built over and are now housing estates, car parks or shopping centres.

The second problem is that kids have been spoonfed passive entertainment all their lives in the form of non stop TV, computers and video games, so they have never learnt how to amuse themselves. Therefore the Underclass kids hang round in gangs, setting fire to your garden fence and the Middle Class ones aren't allowed out at all by their over protective parents who firmly believe that a paedophile lurks around every corner.

No wonder the kids are bored. After school activities, 'Yoof Centres' and School Holiday Clubs are all very worthy but most are Dullsville Tennessee. I'd put a shedload of money into activities where kids can actually do things, such as coaching in a wide variety of sports (not just football, let's introduce them to something new) along with organisations which enable them to have a bit of rough and tumble, and get involved in organised chaos. ie Scouts, Guides, Air, Sea and Army Cadet Forces.

Unfortunately none of those organisations will be considered pc enough so I can only advise you to lock your door and keep an eye on that fence.

Boys and Girls

Girls outperform boys at virtually every stage in education nowadays. Why is this and does it matter?

Our entire education system has been altered in recent years to favour girls. There are virtually no male Primary Teachers and even Secondary Teaching is becoming almost a female profession. Boys therefore do not encounter role models or see male figures in authority. The advertisements to attract new teachers do not exactly encourage males to exhibit strong leadership, resilience, toughness or any quality that was once admired as 'manly' but is now seen as 'bullying'. They seem to be trying to attract Social Workers instead.

Behaviour that boys naturally adopt from a young age; ie running around causing mayhem, fighting and shouting is actively discouraged. Boys generally love danger and competition which are seen as taboo.

Girls tend to work conscientiously throughout the year whereas boys prefer to cram for an exam and perform better under stressful conditions. Therefore we have introduced Coursework which many boys don't even bother to hand in and modular courses with numerous minor exams which boys soon get bored with.

Government funded groups and companies such as L'Oreal actively advertise Women in Science. Nobody does a similar thing for men. TV dramas tend to show women in strong roles, triumphing over weak and indecisive men (who always have 'issues'). All in all it's a bit like the 1950s in reverse.

Still. no point in moaning, you can't blame a group for fighting for it's own interests. Maybe I'll start a male emancipation movement (If Mrs C will let me)

Oh My God! What's That?

It was the persistant barking of my faithful dog Humphrey that alerted me to the aliens presence. Shortly after lunch it appeared, a giant glowing ball hovering just above the apple tree halfway down my garden. It made no move to attack us, but I've always found it best not to take any chances.

Being fearless and worldly wise we panicked, ran upstairs and hid under the bed wimpering. Mrs Chalk found us; still cowering, on her return an hour later.

"What are you two doing up here when the sun's out for the first time in weeks?" She said.

ps I'm not sure whether to believe Hill who claims that his Head took down a spoof advert in the staffroom in the Glasgow Herald for a 'Second Hand Jeep Cherokee with a Charcoal interior.'

Bad Science, Great Sales Opportunities!

Having taken inspiration from the decline in Science Education and the site http://www.badscience.net/ I will shortly begin selling my patented WIFI radiation shields to schools across the land. I also hope to install my health giving 'Penta water' vending machines, homeopathic crisps and anything I can think of with the word 'detox' in it.

Heads are queueing up to avail themselves of my consultancy service where for a not so small fee, I can detect whether your school was built on a Ley Line. If this turns out to be the case then you will no doubt wish to invest in my 'Positive Ion Generator' which will counteract any ill effects.

One Science Department has already asked me to come along and demonstrate how I can re align my chakras.

Angela Mason Banned

Angela Mason has been banned by the General Teaching Council from teaching for one year. In case you had forgotten, she did some Supply work and secretly filmed the kids in her classes to show how bad their behaviour was for a Channel Four Documentary. The hand wringers argued that she had 'abused her position of trust and brought her profession into disrepute' or something like that and everybody else thought;

'God I'd like to whack some of these little shits'

Considering that she retired from proper teaching in the 1970s I don't think that she will be unduly worried, although she might be wondering just whose interests does the GTC represent?

John Smeaton

How can anyone resist a visit to the website of John Smeaton, pride of Glasgow Airport?

The arch enemy of Al quiada and Senior Ramp Assistant, Slugger Smeaton now has his own site; where well wishers have so far pledged him over 1000 pints of beer. (Approximately a fortnight's worth in Glaswegian terms).

The apprentice terror group known as 'The Sizzling Sons of Allah' have claimed responsibility for the attack.

ps. I've fixed the link now, sorry.

Remember Physics?

If you live in London and are involved in the teaching of what was once Science, then you might be interested in a meeting on Thursday 5th July at 7 pm in the Plumbers Arms, 14 Lower Belgrave St. near Victoria Tube station. It's purpose is to try and come up with some plans to fight the dumbing down of the subject, which has pretty much turned it from a difficult, rigorous fact based subject requiring mathematical skills into a politicised and knowledge-free debate on nuclear powered, global warming Ozone chemicals innit.

It's organised by David Perks, author of "What is Science Education For?" and contributor to "The Corruption of the Curriculum". Needless to say, I haven't read either book, but go along for a beer anyway.

Poor old Mademoiselle Bois

Thanks to Hill for this story which I missed last week. I hope Mme Bois gets nothing more than a slap on the wrist for being stupid enough to publish under her real name. As always in these cases, she will be criticised for 'using inappropriate language' or some nonsense like that. The Head will never ask the only important question; ie

Is what she is saying true?

It does illustrate the dangers of telling the truth about what goes on in your workplace or saying what you really think.

I'm On Fire

The initial conclusion was that the two nutters who drove into Glasgow airport whilst on fire were not from the UK. On hearing this, I immediately phoned the Head of Counter Terrorism to inform him that all the evidence in fact clearly pointed to a Science education in a British Inner City Comprehensive, as demonstrated by the complete lack of ability to identify and mix the chemicals necessary to create a decent explosion.

One of the pair was however able to debate the climate change implications of air travel with the Scottish Plod until a passing member of the public smashed him in the face. (Rumours that the passerby was the Head of the Glasgow Tourist Board are said to be unfounded)

As all the jails are full and nobody has thought to build a few more, the charred couple will now only be charged with 'Smoking in a Public Place'.

STOP PRESS: The two suspects have just admitted that they met on Friends Reignited

Hands off!

This is he silliest thing I've heard in over an hour.

Meet The Parents

Mrs C returned home on Monday to complain that her school had been flooded. Not by rain but by parents.

It had rained for several hours and by morning break an endless queue of children had driven the secretaries up the wall, demanding to be given permission to go home because they had 'got wet'. (Nobody had made them go outside, I hasten to add and it was perfectly warm and dry inside the school.)

When their demands were not met, many either stormed off the premises or phoned a parent who reacted with the usual outraged indignation, dropped whatever they were doing (whether daytime tv or employment) and drove up to school where they joined in the melee.

The sight of a fully grown (male) adult shrieking that they want to take 'their Jamie home right now' because 'his trousers are wet' is a sad one. Why has a whole part of our society become unable to cope with the slightest misfortune? Were such scenes common in the winter of 1963? The school was not underwater, all that had happened by this time was that some rain had fallen outside. The mobile phone however, enables a wildly exaggerated story to be conveyed to a parent stupid enough not to question it.

Did the Headmaster take a stand, tell all the parents where to go and send the kids back to class? I'll let you have a guess at that one.

However I wish I had been there to see Mrs. C helpfully suggesting to one dimwit that maybe they should make sure young Jamie is sent to school with a coat next time it rains.

Paris Bloody Hilton

I turned on the news this morning to see a helicopter flying over what looked like a swamp. Then the reporter was showing where an elderly man had been drowned, and saying that the body of a thirteen year old boy had just been recovered. Suddenly he was interrupted by the studio girl breathlessly announcing:

"Sorry John, we've got to go to Los Angeles where Paris Hilton has just been released!"

Have we, or have we not got things seriously wrong when the sighting of some halfwit celebrity is clearly considered to be more important than a tragedy?

Stuart Billington's Petition

A shame he didn't get together with Wellington Grey as we have now ended up with two petitions demanding pretty much the same thing.

Still it's better than no petitions, so if you agree with him (ie that science education is in serious danger of becoming a joke) then give him your support here

You can waste many happy hours looking through all the petitions on this site. I have no idea why this one was rejected, or this one either.

Gordon Brown

Here's Gordon Brown from his last ever Mansion House speech last week:

"I want a Britain where there is no cap on ambition, no ceiling on talent, no limit to where your potential will take you and how far you can rise"

I suspect that, just like like Tony Blair's 'Education, education, education!' this one will come back to haunt him. I also think that it will make the perfect back cover quote for my next book, provisionally titled "In The Company of Dwayne'

We Don't Need No Education

Ditching lessons is definitely the way forward; why didn't I think of that before? What we really need is more 'Cultural Understanding' and of course 'Diversity'

If you do visit the Government's e-petitions site, have a look at some of the funnier ones and sign up to get those toerags peddling.

Wellington Grey's Petition

Having only two neurons, I was unable to remember to post a link to Wellington Grey's petition.

He is daft enough to think that Physics should be a rigorous, factual and mathematical study of the Laws that govern our Universe.

We know of course, that it should just be a mindless debate about Global Warming, Biofuels or Nuclear Power. But he seems like a decent chap so humour him and sign up.

One thing is for sure: they won't be teaching 'Science Without The Science' in China.

Lost!

Dear Learning Facilitators and Students,

It is with great regret that I must inform you of the disappearance of the Science questions which we had hoped to use in this year's exams. We are at present unsure of their exact whereabouts, but fortunately we have been able to replace them with some Media Studies questions of equal quality, which we hope you will find satisfactory.

Once again, my apologies and I hope that you will continue to choose us as your 'Science Without the Science' provider in the future.

Yours Faithfully,

T. Lysenko (Head of Curriculum Design, AQA)

Sit Still! (OK don't then.)

Teachers constantly complain (well I do anyway) about how pupils cannot sit still and keep quiet in class. The official reason for this is that our lessons are not interesting enough. The real reasons are as follows:

1) Some have realised that there is no discipline in schools and they can do pretty much what they like. We'll address this one in a future post.

2) Fed on a diet of sugary drinks and snacks throughout the day, many kids are in a constant hyperactive state. To excuse this, a whole load of medical problems have been dreamt up by drug companies eager to sell new products to the gullible. Every register is chock full of acronyms and excuses such as ADD, Bipolar Somethings, Aspbergers, Oppositional Defiance Nonsense and of course ADHD. Here's a handy tip: if your own child is naughty just send a letter to his form teacher with your own impressive sounding disease and his every misdemeanor will be forever excused. It's like the 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card in Monopoly.

3) If I am cooped up all day without taking any exercise I will cause mayhem and go mad. Funnily enough the kids do exactly the same. Many are driven to school and simply forget their kit or waste their time playing table tennis in PE. Nobody dares force them out to do physical activity and so they burn off their excess energy in our lessons.

Ask anyone who has taken a school trip somewhere involving lots of fresh air and physical activity whether there were any problems from the naughty kids after the first couple of days.

Private Schools realise this and make them do sport every day whether they want to or not.

NASUWT

Well done to the NASUWT for denouncing the pet idea of every weak Head. The interview with a couple of kids present as 'representatives of the Student Body'. I'm serious; people in education really do come out with stuff like this.

Just two posts ago I was declaring that common sense had prevailed and now I'm finding something good to say about a Teaching Union. What is happening to me? Maybe I should see a doctor...

Right or Wrong?

This is an interesting one, which raises a whole host of questions.


Were these two suspended for viewing non work related internet sites during work hours, a crime to which I plead guilty, along with just about everone else in the country or are they in trouble for viewing websites related to the BNP?


Would they be in as much trouble if they had viewed another British political party's website? Would the school suspend (or even question) a Muslim teacher caught accesssing the Hamas website, or Osama Bin Laden's own Blog for that matter?

What would happen to a Chinese teacher found reading a Chinese official newspage celebrating the anniversary of the Tibet invasion and the crushing of its populace? How would a Somalian caught reading the latest Jubba Valley Militiamen broadcasts be dealt with?

I wonder whether his Union would defend him to the hilt or abandon him?

What do you think your school would do in a case like this?

At Last!

Hoorah! After reading my post from last November, the Government is scrapping coursework done at home from 2009. Parents will no longer need to do their child's work for them or fork out £30 per hour to pay me to do it.

Common sense has prevailed. I can't believe I'm writing this.

Seems Genuine To Me

Today I was fortunate enough to receive an email from my new friend Mr Guei with some very good news indeed. Ive copied it below:

From:Master Kone Guei

My Good Friend, I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Norway. Presently I am in Norway for investment projects with my own share of the totalsum. Mean while, I didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how. Now contact mylawyer in Accra Ghana as I stated below follow his instructions:

Barrister George Okoye Esq.Email: barrister_okoye1957@yahoo.fr Telephone number +233-242-772479. Ask him to send you the check what of $750.000.00 which I kept for your compensation for all your pastefforts and attempts to assist me in this matter and I have appreciated your past efforts at that time very much. So feel free and get in touched with Lawyer Barrister George Okoye and instruct him where to send the check to you.

Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy together after all the sufferness at that time you trying to help me out. at this moment I am very busy here because of theinvestment projects which I and my new partner are having at hand, finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to my lawyer on your behalf to receive the check, so feel free to get in touch with Lawyer Barrister George Okoye to send the check to you without any further delay and try to be honest with him because he is God fearing man.

With best regards,
Master Kone Guei


Being a successful author and dog walker; I don't need the money, so I am offering the opportunity of instant riches to my readers. George Okoye (LawyerBarrister no less) seems like a decent chap, so as Mr Guei says: please be honest with him.