Liar, Liar.

Journalists from the mainstream press don't think much of bloggers, as Dan Collins explains on his excellent Blog (which was recently voted Britain's Number One source of information concerning events at Monday Books).

Whilst many blogs really are as dull as ditch water, the 'work blogs' in particular, give a genuineness and reality that the newspapers cannot compete with, because they are written by someone who actually does the job and really does know what they are talking about. Each of our posts is open for comment by our readers and unlike the newspapers most of us don't feel much need to moderate those comments.

On the other hand, a newspaper article, for example on teaching; will have been produced from interview notes by a journalist with no experience of the job and then further edited to give the paper's own perspective. If you've ever been interviewed by one, you will be absolutely astonished to see that what is printed bears no relation to what you actually said. Funnily enough they won't agree to let you see the article before it goes to print either, probably because you'd go mad and shout things like "But I never said that!" After it has appeared, you get no chance to argue or refute their claims.

As far as accuracy is concerned; the mainstream press will believe just about anything; the more ridiculous the better. For example, two weeks ago every newspaper reported that the swimmer Michael Phelps was taking in 12000 calories a day at the Olympics. It never occurred to any of their editors that a: he would be in the tapering phase so probably taking in little more than an average man of his size and b: simple arithmetic would show that unless he were exercising continuously 24 hours per day; such a huge intake would leave him unable to even move. Phelps himself recently said that he had absolutely no idea why the newspapers had printed such figures. (By way of comparison, a Tour de France rider racing for 5-7 hours a day would take in 5 to 6 thousand.)

Hoaxes and basic factual errors are ten a penny in the press. Last year we had the Meerkat hoax, where the papers clearly believed that the animals at Logleat were happily taking photos of one another. This can join crop circles and UFOs, along with the obviously faked pictures of British troops abusing Iraqis that the Mirror fell for, the Hitler Diaries etc... I could go on, but the truth is that the newspapers rarely check to see if facts make sense, as witnessed by the stream of elementary science and basic mathematical errors that routinely appear. (These increase rapidly as the subject becomes more difficult for example (MRSA, DNA testing, the MMR vaccine or the Large Hadron Collider at CERN)

Work blogging is a very new phenomenon but it is definitely starting to have an impact on the mainstream press.

Now did you hear that if you are ever held up at a cash machine you can type your PIN number in backwards and it will send a call through to the Police....

Inspector Gadget

I've been doing some serious laughing over the last few days alternating with incoherent shouts of rage. Yes, I've just finished Inspector Gadget's book; 'Perverting The Course Of Justice' .

Gadget is a master of the one liner and has a rich fund of anecdotes detailing the madness of the modern Police Force; its obsessions with political correctness, along with endless new buzzwords and initiatives dreamt up by those who will never have to carry them out. Some of these are so bizarre that they could easily have come from your school Senior Management Team.

The description of the endless bureaucratic nightmares that frustrate every attempt to enforce the law is a real eye-opener. The amount of time taken to arrest someone or just take a statement, is incredible and the amount of paperwork involved in even the smallest action is breathtaking. The sheer amount of wasted time and resources due to the ludicrous procedures insisted on by those who 'manage' from comfortable offices far, far above the bobby on the street, is beyond belief. (Hmm... that reminds me of teaching as well.)

His revelations of how the Police are made to concentrate on crimes which improve the Force's figures and achieve Government targets rather than those which you or I might consider important; are truly explosive and should really be headline news. (Is it me or does all this sound just like what goes on in schools?) I just found the book riveting. Buy it today and shake the hand of the next Copper you meet (although that might not be for some while).

The Police also seem to get dragged into a lot of what you or I might call 'rubbish'. I once naively thought that people only phoned them if say, they had been burgled or their car had been stolen, but this simply isn't the case. Family disputes, text messaging ex partners and general inability to behave in a reasonable manner seem to have suddenly become legitimate excuses for the Wretches to pester the Police about.

As a taxpayer and attention seeker, I've resolved to make more use of the Police in sorting out trivia in my own life. We'll start with that funny looking poo that appeared last night on my vegetable patch. I suspect that it has come from next door's dog Lulu, rather than from my own dog Jeffrey, who would never do one like that, and anyway; he always does them on the lawn. I'm going to ask if they can get a forensic team over and take DNA to settle the matter once and for all. Then I'm off to send a few hate texts and scribble something rude on next door's wheelie bin.

Cooking With Mr Chalk

I'm usually the first to slate any new initiative but giving out Free Cookbooks sounds like a good idea. Mind you after thinking about it for a few minutes the following points occurred to me:

1) You can eat as healthily as you like but if you get through six meals a day, never leave the sofa and think that 'exercise' only goes with 'book'; then you will still end up huge.

2) In the 21st century shouldn't it be a website rather than a book? Printing books involves cutting down lots of trees which could otherwise go into my wood burning stove.

3) We need to target the parents, especially the thick ones. After all, they are the ones stuffing their offspring with Fried Chicken Dinosaurs, Monster Munch crisps and luminous fizzy drinks

4) Can't we just muzzle the fat kids?

Mugs

Tell me the truth now, do you want to buy a Frank Chalk mug to light the fires of revolution in your Staffroom? I need to order at least a hundred from the suppliers, so to protect me from the wrath of Mrs C. perhaps you could let me know if there is any demand first.

I reckon they will be about £6.95 and suggestions about the design are welcome (Probably the book cover, maybe with a catchy slogan if anybody can suggest one.) I'll post a picture of the finished product first if there's enough interest.

Show Me The Money

I hearby admit to being the brother of any notorious criminal you like and agree not to do any work for a few months. Now can I collect £600 000 please?

Back To School!

As usual the new school year kicks off with that special brand of agony- the Training Day. Emails from various parts of the Country have confirmed that the usual culprits are alive and well- ie The Five Hats and The Five R's along with a couple of horror stories involving women from the Council with short hair, large earrings and funny shoes.

I spoke to a friend who works in IT and asked what his lot would do if they were treated to any of these delights. He just looked at me with a puzzled expression and said:

"Just walk out- what do you think we'd do? Our time's valuable, we don't work in the Public Sector."

It's a forlorn hope but I wish that more teachers would stand up and do likewise.

Ping Pong's Coming Home

Well the Olympics are over and if they achieve just one thing, then I would hope that it is to show the sofa dwelling public that there is more to sport than a bunch of footballers whose main ability is to demonstrate that a huge amount of money does not bring either wisdom or good taste.

I just hope that for 2012 we make the whole thing a bit less stuffy and a lot more fun. Boris seems to have got the ball rolling but we need to keep the momentum up by introducing gurning, bog snorkeling and dwarf throwing to the London Games.

Our 8 minute presentation at the end of the closing ceremony yesterday featuring a red London Bus was meant to be a portrayal of the city's culture without anything being hidden. If that really was the aim, then they should have had Leroy shooting Dwayne for 'dissing' him in the queue, fat Tracey waving a bottle of WKD whilst stuffing her face with a kebab and being sick on the top deck, followed rapidly by Ahmed blowing it up.

Olympic Games

Well the Olympics are underway and to my amazement the opening ceremony didn't feature the shooting of any Tibetans.

I can't take Table Tennis seriously and I can't get my head round Dressage or Solo Synchronised Swimming. Nor have I any idea why Tennis and Basketball are featured when they already have their own well known Leagues and Championships. Give me the traditional sports such as Beach Volleyball any day.

Mind you, we really don't make enough of our own stars such as Nicole Cooke who blew away the opposition in the cycling road race but earns less in a year than the average poncey footballer spends in the hair salon. She has been our best female cyclist for years but only rates a few column inches in the papers after seventeen pages of round ball rubbish.

I wish they would bring back the Tug of War, last seen in the 1920 Games in Antwerp. (Where incidentally we won the Gold Medal)

Christian The Lion

At Last! A Christian who doesn't get on your nerves.

I'm sure you've all seen him already, as I'm always well behind the times. He reminds me very much of my dog.

Don't do this though, as it might be dangerous.

Contact Law have now donated £20 to the Myelin Trust to say 'sorry' for spamming me. As I am easily bought, they can now be my friends.

British Telecon

Hurrah! I'm back online again.

After the buffoons decided to cut off my phone line, I made the fatal mistake of phoning BT Customer Services (If any department is wrongly named, it is this one.) Endless recorded voices describe option after option, none of which ever mention having your phone line disconnected. Eventually I would be put through to a call centre in either India or the UK.

It's easy to tell which is which. If the operator is called 'Kevin' or 'William' and wishes you a cheerful 'Good morning, Sir!' when it is six thirty in the evening, then you are definitely talking to India. Immediately ask them how long it takes to get from Bombay to Mumbai for your own amusement. They will then regretfully inform you that you need to redial and select option 2. Who's laughing now then, eh?

On the other hand, if you can't understand a single word they say and you are told that you have come through to the wrong department, then you are dealing with the UK. Demand to be put through to India immediately. This confuses them and you may accidentally end up speaking to someone high enough up the chain to actually do something useful.

More often however, they will simply wear you down to a state of screaming incoherance. I phoned for nine consecutive days before giving up, ditching the fools and buying a little thing from "3" that plugs into your USB Port and receives the internet via a mobile connection. It's been fine so far and costs 15 quid a month. If they offered to pay me, I would praise it even more.

Contact Law

As you may have noticed, I got spammed today. A hundred and odd comments on assorted posts from a company called Contact Law

Now either they are so short of work that they are paying someone to enter the comments manually or they have found a way around Blogger's comment verification system.

Either way, it's a Declaration of War in my book. They clearly want my readers to get in touch, so let's not disappoint them. Their email is here, their phone number is 0800 1777 167 and their postal address is:

Contact Law,The Warehouse Office Suites
12 Ravensbury Terrace
London SW18 4RL

Now I can't say for certain that they would like to hear all about your last holiday, or any problems you may have had recently with self-assembly furniture; or even whether they can tell you how long a 1.5 Kg turkey should be kept in the oven for. I suspect that they may not be too interested in the unusual knocking noises coming from your boiler, but who am I to make presumptions?

Nor can I tell you whether or not they wish you to put a stamp on any letters that you send to them.

AQA

Peter Buckroyd is a right clown and I have a load of stories which show the AQA to be a bunch of utter incompetents, but to be honest I'm just as worried about the school who let him submit that paper in the first place.

As an exam hall veteran who walked many, many miles between the neat rows of desks, reading all the kids answers and jangling my keys; I can honestly say that any brat that I'd spotted writing something like that would have been hoisted out of the exam hall by his ear with his paper ripped up and thrown in the bin (and to Hell with what the Head would inevitably say later)

Thinking about it, maybe that's why I never got very far in teaching...

It's Not Unusual

Good on this bloke. He pays his taxes and his daughter can't even have a qualified teacher. It is nothing out of the ordinary and I should know; having taught subjects for weeks on end that I didn't even have an O Level in.

There are thousands and thousands of parents in a similar position to Mr Tierney. It will be interesting to see how his case turns out.

ps I have now managed to fix the link above.

No, no, no.

My advice for you today is simple:

Do not attempt to carry 13 people in your car.

Facebook

The Facebook Group to 'It's Your Time You're Wasting' is here. Being over 40, I have absolutely no idea what this means or what it does, apart from a vague idea that it somehow enables me to stalk young ladies. I'd recommend that you join it straight away. (Although I have no idea what will happen if you do)

If any readers can enlighten me then please do so.

Kevin Brennan

In the ongoing contest to see which member of the Government can say the stupidest thing; let's have a look at Children's Minister Kevin Brennan's efforts. We'll start off with a couple of questions for those of you who are teachers:

Do you agree with this article where he says that 'Heads are using their powers to prevent bad behaviour'?

Do you agree with his next statement that 'the fall in permanent exclusions shows that heads are successfully "nipping problems in the bud"?

Or do you think that the fall in permanent exclusions shows that they rarely even try to throw out kids who have commited serious offences because the process is a bureaucratic nightmare, looks bad on their results and many Heads are completely spineless anyway?

Old Mugabe Had a Farm...Ee-Aye, Ee-Aye, Oh.

Today Boris Johnson will announce the winning piece of artwork to go on the famous 'empty' fourth plinth in a corner of Trafalgar Square. (When it was built in the 1840s it was supposed to carry a statue of King William the Fourth on horseback but they ran out of money and could never agree what to do with it.)

I can't wait to see if they go for my suggestion of sticking Robert Mugabe up there in a cage. I've always fancied myself as a bit of an artist.

Whilst we're on the topic of adults who can't behave, the first line in this BBC article says:

'Ed Balls has promised to tackle parents who refuse to accept that teachers have a right to discipline their children'

If you read the rest of the article you will see that he isn't planning on doing anything at all.

Handy Hints

Here's a couple of useful tips for those of you who are teachers:

1) Watch out for hypnotists on your way to school.
2)Don't go branding any of your pupils, as you might get into trouble.

Finally, here's a success story for a Norwich school (although not the one the report writer attended. Did the kids really 'pour' anything on the Guinness Book in paragraph four)

Sorry it's only a short post but I've got to go and sit behind the wheel of my tanker for a few hours stuffing myself with Yorkie Bars.

Balls

Ed Balls thinks that Grammar Schools are responsible for making pupils feel like failures. I think that crap comprehensive schools where you can just muck about all day and not learn anything are far more likely to make their pupils feel like failures (a few years after they leave with no useful qualifications). Ed forgets to mention that he was lucky enough to have parents who could afford to send him to a nice public school in Nottingham where he received an excellent education which enabled him to get to Oxford University.

A local grammar school is the only chance (however small) that Wayne Scroggins from Scuzzertown has of going to Oxford too, but you can't say that in education; so sorry Wayne, it's St. Thickchilds for you I'm afraid.

Oh, by the way if your school is trying to raise some money but can't be bothered with a boring old sponsored walk, why not try a Bird Hunt?

Degree Factories

I've rented out a couple of flats to students in a nearby University town for the last fifteen years or so. It's interesting because it's given me an insight into the changing nature of the University Student. Several things I can say with certainty:

1) Although there are students who are extremely bright, there are also some who are literally as thick as what pigs do on their straw. If they are British then they will be on some nonsense course such as Film Studies but if they are foreign then they could be doing anything as the BBC has just discovered (about 10 years after it started happening). Universities love Foreign Students because they pay so much and will do anything to avoid throwing them out. I have never had a tenant who has failed to get a degree (even if they cannot read the rental contract, or use the bathroom)

2) There is definitely a growing feeling of resentment amongst the bright kids that Degrees are being devalued because they are given out like confetti. They know that the taxpayer would be able to afford to give them a decent grant and their lectures wouldn't be interrupted by endless stupid questions if there were fewer duffers sitting there. They also realise that there isn't anything that they can do about it. The Universities encourage them to do a Masters or PhD in order 'to stand out from the crowd' (and obviously generate more fees)

3) There is also a feeling of resentment amongst those who were encouraged by their teachers to take some daft course at a No Hopers University and left with a debt of £20k and nothing more than the offer of a job stacking shelves at Tesco.

Caught In A Trap

Have a quick look at this news piece from the BBC. The Left Hand of the Government; their School Inspectors (Ofsted) reckon that Science teachers should do more experiments and less working towards passing narrow tests. The Government's Right Hand introduced these narrow tests (SATS) and made them compulsory. Surprise, surprise; teachers are told by their Heads that they had better get good results in them and not waste time doing experiments. (All the interesting experiments that you and I did in Science have long since been banned by the Third Arm of Health and Safety, whilst the Fourth one of Compensation Culture encourages parents to sue the school when their offspring spills some harmless chemical on their sleeve.) The fifth urges more teaching of Creativity whilst the sixth issues ever more stifling bureaucracy and forms to fill out.

I realise I've overdone this One hand doesn't know what the other is doing thing, but it's too late to back out of it now. Hopefully the picture of a grinning octopus announcing Government policy has been implanted in your mind.

The article then says that Science Teaching suffers from lack of teachers who know about Science. Of course it does; how can we realistically attract the brightest and best when we can only offer them a salary that a tanker driver would turn his nose up at, the odd free biscuit and the opportunity to be abused on a regular basis. At the same time, Universities are busy closing down their Chemistry Departments to make way for a new extension to the Mickey Mouse Studies building.

No Coming Back

A few months ago Chalk Enterprises went through a bit of a bad patch, so in order to improve cash flow (ie avoid ending up on a park bench), I thought:

Why not go and do a couple of days a week on Supply? There's always lots of work and sometimes I do quite miss standing in front of a class talking to myself.

I phoned up St. Goodchilds and spoke to Mr Davis, a friendly man who still organises the Cover there. He told me that I would need a new CRB check (Criminal Records Bureau) before they could employ me in order to make sure that I wouldn't steal the tea money or take an over zealous interest in any of the pupils. When I asked how I could get one done, he informed me with a deep sigh that I couldn't do it personally, I would have to join an agency who would apply for one on my behalf.

I duly applied to the Council Supply Teaching Agency and filled out seven long pages of utter nonsense, none of which asked the only important question for anybody wanting to do Supply Work; which is:

Can you walk into a classroom full of unruly children running around causing mayhem, when there is no work left; they have had 4 different teachers in the last week and get them to sit down quietly and take their coats off?

A week later I received my reply. I had been rejected because I had not filled out the form correctly. I had not listed my 'O' and 'A' Levels, nor given sufficient evidence that I satisfied the Council's criteria for experience in diversity. Nor had I listed the courses that I would consider most useful to me. The fact that I had enclosed my teaching qualification (Maths) and had 14 years of teaching experience along with a reference which said that I wasn't the worst teacher they had ever employed, was apparently not good enough. Also, my answer of 'Please, please don't make me go on any courses' was considered inappropriate.

So now you have it. Next time you read of dire teacher shortages in my subject, console yourself with the thought that at least your offspring won't have me shouting at them. Mind you at least I never did this.

ps Chalk Enterprises is now back on its feet, you will be relieved to hear. If you were worried for me and were thinking of sending a donation to help out, then ignore this sentence and post the cheque to Dan the Publisher.

I'm Alive, I'm Alive!!!

Apparently some clown has announced that I'm dead. Oh well, worse things happen.

Actually I'm just very busy. Chalk Enterprises is taking up all my time at the moment, so I've not really had chance to do any posts on this blog. Sorry about that.

Dan the Publisher suggested that I get off my backside and write something, so here's a few random thoughts.

1) I'm all for a bit of discipline and my hat goes off to this school in North Carolina. If we don't clamp down on mindless clapping where will it end?

2) Why is it that in my local Tesco all the staff are on fire, serving customers at an incredible rate and buzzing for more people to get on the tills if there's ever a queue? Maybe the Boss takes a stick to them at the start of each day in some sort of bizarre Japanese corporate ritual. On the other hand, if I go into the Co op or Spar all the staff all seem to have been injected with a sloth drug. It's like watching a film in slow motion as every item is queried, vouchures examined and Supervisors summoned to gawp at the till as if they have never seen it before. Meanwhile the queue snakes round three aisles, past the rotting fruit and the room where the rest of the staff are sleeping. Occasionally a customer just loses it completely, throws down their basket and storms out screaming (it's usually me) .

3) Regardless of what the school thinks of his haircut, what sort of 13 year old boy goes to a Salon? For Christ's sake Mrs Scrote, get a grip.

4) The Henry is the Vacuum of Champions. Don't be fooled by its innocent smiling face; it is the Challenger Tank of Hoovers, a Man's Machine that allows us to behave in a naturally male way. Rip the top off the box and drop it out onto the floor; it won't care. Gather up the instructions, along with the plastic bag full of silly fussy female accessories and throw the whole lot into the bin. Fit the three tough metal tubes together any old way you like and you are ready to go.

Now for the real fun. Push the large and obvious button and listen to the throaty roar of the engine as you show the carpet who's boss. Hoover up anything you like, Henry won't mind. When you run out of bags, just laugh manically and keep on going regardless. As I said; it's a Man's hoover and it couldn't care less. In military terms, if the Dyson is a chinless wonder in the Officers Mess debating the best way to iron a shirt, then the Henry is an airborne warrior who doesn't want to know how many enemy there are, just how soon he can get his hands on them.

Tesco and the makers of Henry didn't pay me to say any of the above, but obviously I'd be even more enthusiastic if they did.

Bear with me for now and I'll post again soon
Thanks
Frank Chalk RIP

On Massage

I can vividly remember the day when as a fifth Former (sorry; year 11 nowadays) I went to see the headmaster (sorry; headteacher nowadays) to ask if he could arrange for a good looking lady to give me a good rubbing in order to perk me up before my 'O' Levels (sorry...)

I staggered out of his office, ears ringing from the barrage of blows.

How times have changed

Strike

Anyone who reads this blog will know that I believe the main purpose of the 75 teaching unions is to protect and assist those who are utterly useless at their job. There is no excuse for incompetence so lame that they will not embrace and celebrate, nor any great leader that they will not race to accuse of 'bullying'

As for Thursday's strike, my opinion as you might imagine is simple:

The whole thing sums up the wishy-washyness I hated so much about teaching.

If you want something then get everyone together, go on strike and stay out until you get what you believe you deserve. I'd respect that whether I thought the demand was right or wrong because it shows determination, courage and strength.

Half hearted one day efforts can simply be dismissed by the Government. The only reason any schools are closing is because Heads invariably take the easy out and shut the school (invoking the magic genie of 'Health and Safety') whether its a millimeter of snow or three teachers not turning up. With the numbers that are usually off sick anyway, most schools wouldn't even notice.

Keep Your Hair On!

I can't quite understand this case. Did the Council really sack him for being bald? Is he suing them because his hair has fallen out as a result of teaching? Or is he just stark raving mad?

Either way; if I had been the judge, I would have been unable to resist the temptation to insert the phrase: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow ' into my summing-up speech.

Mind you, I suppose that's why I'm not a judge.

The real problem here, which is hidden underneath all the lunacy; is that so many schools have lost all concept of discipline so the kids feel free to openly abuse the staff to their faces, for the simple reason that they know that nothing will happen to them.

A simple comparison- when I was a kid, we had a bald teacher at school who everyone made fun of. However, only behind his back or when he wasn't looking; for the simple reason that had he caught you, he would have caned/ whacked you with a slipper or ruler/ given you 1000 lines or put you in detention for a month whilst you carefully copied out half a textbook.

It makes you realise just how far we've fallen.

Hats

A quick phonecall has established that the last post should have been about 'Hats' and not 'Cats'. Frankly it doesn't really matter as I can't listen to that sort of stuff for more than 10 seconds without screaming. A whole industry has grown up around the idea of churning out guff to captive audiences and I want to be part of it.

For a modest fee, a representative of Chalk Enterprises will come to your school, talk rubbish for a couple of hours and get you playing some simple games. We will offer a cast iron guarantee that the day will be no use to you whatsoever, but it will all be very warm, safe and comforting and you will feel like you are eight years old again.

Actually, thinking about it, an even better idea would be for me to turn up personally, so that you could shout at me, tear up a few exercise books and generally vent your frustrations. I could say patronising things like 'Let's get into small groups and investigate different methods of learning' and you could all scream abuse. I would also provide you with a liberal supply of eggs, rotten fruit and tennis balls. I reckon I might be on to something here...

Enough of that; it's NUT conference time and they are balloting about strike action. Not effective strike action, ie get together with the other 57 Unions and have every teacher in the land downing tools and not coming back until they get a pay rise, some decent working conditions and a few brats expelled; goodness me no, a one day strike which can be safely ignored by the Government.

They are also up in arms about the military recruiting in schools and are outraged that they only tell the kids about the best bits (skiing, windsurfing and shooting people) I believe that is called advertising. The Accountancy company that visited Mrs Chalk's school also forgot to show people working through the night at the end of the Tax Year in their presentation. Let's face it; the teachers who attend these conferences are invariably beardy weirdies (of both sexes) with no hobbies to persue in the holidays. They hate the military with a vengance, because it opposes the things they stand for (beards, dangly earrings and facial ironmongery)

Here's my take on it (from last year) which will doubtless prove unpopular:

If you are born into the Underclass, doomed to attend a dustbin of a school, then a career in the Army might well be your only ticket out of the slums. Yes, if you are unlucky you might be shot by some toerag in Iraq or Afghanistan; but if you manage to avoid that unfortunate outcome, then you can pick up a decent pension after 22 years or look for another employer who will snap you up, knowing that unlike most applicants; a) you will actually turn up to work and b) you will get on with things that you might not want to do without moaning too much.

Alternatively you could of course just remain in the Estate from Hell, where there are no employers and you stand a good chance of being shot by a rival drugs dealer or ending up behind bars for most of your life. The NUT would like to remove your only hope of escape.

Training Day

The end of term can only mean one thing- the celebration of madness that is Training Day. I have received the usual collection of emails describing the horrors that teachers can be subjected to in the name of 'Diversification', 'Cross Curricular Linkage' and the inevitable 'Gender Somethingorother' to name but three forms of torture that are still being used on teachers across the country.

These forms of madness are usually indicative of a weak SMT, who lack the courage to stand up and shout;

'Shut up Fool! This is crazy talk. Get out of my School!' when some well meaning, buckle shoed woman with dangly earrings from the Council proposes that the day be spent doing role play.

One of the best reports was from a school which decided to pay for a lady to come and talk about how different coloured cats could make you think in different ways. (I heard this on the telephone at 11.30 pm punctuated with bursts of hysterical laughter, so do forgive me if I've got any details wrong) Apparently if you have the red cat, then you have to shout out your feelings (I can imagine what mine would be), a green cat means that you use lateral thinking, a black cat means that you tend to be cynical and some other cat means God knows what. Anyway they spent the afternoon doing this whilst the naive and gullible lapped it up, making copious notes and vowing to use it in their lessons, the lady went away a bit wealthier, the Head pronounced it all a great success and the wise just sobbed gently into their hands.

As these events are such a rich vein of madness, I've set up a link to this post on the Sidebar so that your Training Day Tales will live forever.

News

Sorry I've not posted for a few days but I got stuck inside my divan bed whilst playing hide and seek with my nieces. It was a stupid hiding place- God knows where they got the idea from.

Here's a quick roundup of the latest daftness going on in schools:

1) Parents are lying to get their children into decent schools Well blow me down! Of course they do; they make up false addresses, rent flats in the school's catchment area for six months and pretend to live there, print out fake Council Tax bills on their computers and even offer money to complete strangers if they will claim to have done a house exchange. They promise a donation towards the new school minibus or if all else fails, offer the Head some cash over a quiet drink.

I know all this because I have shown friends how to do it. My advice is simple: do whatever it takes to send your child to a decent school.

2) Pupils who make malicious allegations against teachers should be put on a list Absolutely right and the numerous Teachers Unions have been saying that for years and will continue to say it for ever more, but do absolutely nothing. They could set up their own website tomorrow if they wanted to. In fact feel free to use the 'Rate My Pupil' section on my blog.

It's the same story with the endless moaning about the Rate my Teacher website. Sabotaging it or rendering it completely useless would be easy, but would require action which is always harder than just complaining.

3) Schools Minister Jim Knight thinks that classes of 70 are just fine He is as mad as a fish. My Granny was taught in classes of up to 100 and can read and write better than your average 16 year old (despite leaving at the age of 11) but their teachers simply beat the living daylights out of the naughty kids, whereas we are told to empathise with them and dream up excuses for their attitude. I've taught classes of 7 and been unable to prevent screaming mayhem. Most teachers in crap schools are ashamed to admit this sort of thing, but if you are a parent then it's important that you realise that it happens every day.

Shannon Matthews

Thankfully Shannon Matthews is now back safe and sound (ie not with her mother).

Well done to the Police for finding her, after tirelessly searching 2431 residences in the area. Apparently more than two thirds were occcupied by her mother's partners, ex partners, uncles, cousins and stepfathers. (Some by all of the above).

Constructing the family tree was the most difficult part of this operation, requiring many hours on the new Police Supercomputer. Unfortunately the three CDs on which it was stored have already been lost by the Home Office.

Look, can somebody please do us all a favour and adopt this poor kid?

Today

The Today Programme emailed me (they don't know I'm nuts) because of a story in the news claiming that some schools are breaking the rules regarding admissions policy. These schools allegedly ask parents naughty questions about their marital status or financial background, and some apparently even ask for money. Read about it here

My own view is that any Head who doesn't do all of this and more is a complete fool. I've seen it done loads of times (but usually with more subtlety) and I'm sure you have too.

Anyway they would like to talk to anyone who has any experience of this and they assure me that all communication will be treated in the strictest confidence. (Make sure you get them to confirm this in writing and don't enter any naming competitions either)

If you want to tell them anything then email today@bbc.co.uk (Put ‘schools’ in the subject header).

Wizard of Oz

A whole pile of reviews from the Aussie Press arrived today with one or two gems for your amusement. My favourite was from Christopher Bantick, an education commentator writing in the Melbourne Daily:

"This book is one of the most dismal, morale deadening, defeatist and utterly miserable accounts of teaching that you're ever likely to encounter"

I think that's a great turn of phrase and will shamelessly use it myself. He goes on to add:

"This book reflects the life of a loser who should never have entered the classroom"

Well I can't argue with that.

Fortunately he has some good advice for those just starting out in teaching:

'Take risks and live out your calling' which sounds great to me. Our Teacher Recruitment people will be knocking on his door before long. Poor old Ceri will be out of a job.

Anyway, I've emailed Christopher to see if he would be interested in writing a forward for my next book, but haven't heard back yet.

All Night Long

It can't be coincidence that the Government is going to encourage 24 hour drinking, just as Harry comes home from the Big 'A'.

Maybe this was a bad time for Lord Coe to announce that there will be a 'Down in One' competition in the 2012 Olympics.

ps. A quick look round my local supermarket revealed 3 Litre bottles of 'Playground' Cider for just £2.59

How To Be Top

If you have just started off in teaching, then you will be pleased to learn that becoming a Headteacher (don't forget that you mustn't call them Headmasters or Headmistresses any more) is easy. Just follow the guide below:

1) Be ridiculously over enthusiastic from day one. Go round with an inane grin on your face and tell everybody how happy you are to be a teacher. Deny any problems and when asked how you are getting on with Wayne, just laugh like a loon and say that he is "Quite a character!" rather than snarling with rage and shouting; "I hate the little f**ker!"

2) Agree and adopt every new strategy with enthusiasm, no matter how ridiculous. Nod your head vigorously throughout every meeting until it is in danger of falling off into your lap.

3) Clear from your mind the naive idea that only things that might actually succeed should be attempted. Ticking the right boxes is all that matters. Never, ever ask the question "But will that actually work?"

4) Come up with lots of ideas, plans and strategies of your own. Do not waste time considering whether or not they are any good or even if they make sense, just get suggesting them.

5) Make sure your PC credentials are up to speed. Adopt an Anti-Bullying policy and put up some posters of famous Ginger Scientists in your classroom. Say the words 'gender' 'differentiation' and 'holistic' a lot, even if like me; you have no idea what they mean. Pick a physical challenge that the average grandmother could manage and pester everyone for money. ke sure that it is for a fashionable charity that does not have anything to do with men or bottoms.

6) Go on every course you can. Most are utterly worthless. People are either leaders or they are not, but going on some two day 'workshop' looks good and that is all that matters.

7) Above all, do not rock the boat. If your head of department will not back up your request for the immediate expulsion of Darren for spitting on you, just keep quiet about it. If another teacher says that they won't teach Chesney any more because he has told him to f**k off and the Head will not do anything; then under no circumstances must you support them by refusing to teach Chesney either.

Feel free to add any of your own.

Night Nurse

Terrible news today that nine out of ten nurses wouldn't even consider having an affair with one of their patients.

The prospect of a hospital stay terrifies me and I would never expect to get out of one alive. Uncleaned wards full of nasty medicine-resistant bugs. You can't drink and by all accounts the food is disgusting. The only thing that would stop me committing immediate hara-kiri would be the prospect of non-stop, Red Hot Nurse Action.

Now it appears that even this will be denied me. I shall quietly expire at home instead.

Truancy

So the truancy figures haven't gone down after ten years of throwing money down the drain. Here's what should happen in my opinion:

Pass a simple law that says any child found truanting should be arrested along with their parents and made to spend a whole day from 8 until 6 in a blank room with no windows, doing the most boring activities that the teacher (who swaps every hour) can come up with. Parents employers informed, £50 fine taken from wages or Benefits. Believe me they would never, ever do it again. Total cost- a couple of million in overtime for the teachers.

Here's what happens at the moment:

Pupil truants and parents deny it, come up with some lame excuse or just say that they can't control their brat. If the pupil truants repeatedly (say 500 times) then the school can beg their Education Welfare Officer to beg the Council to take the parents to Court. The EWO finds some reason why she can't do it so the teachers beg again, and again. A year later the EWO eventually agrees.

Six months later...

Council decline to take parents to Court. (Parent is mad/has promised to improve/is drunk)
Pupil truants another 500 times, school begs etc.
Council take parents to Court. Parents given a stern warning to improve.
Pupil attends school for a month.
Pupil then starts truanting and the whole process starts all over again. (Unless the child is in the last two years of school in which case nobody even bothers as the Council won't try to prosecute because of the time delay in going to court.)

Total cost of various ludicrous initiatives, vandalism, muggings and burglary committed by truants-£Billions.

Hmmm...

Well, so much for the Telly. I thought they edited out all the good bits and just showed me as a whining teacher, or even worse 'a victim'; which is certainly not what I wanted.

Still I suppose that's the viewpoint they were after, and as more experienced people have said; you get what they wish to portray, not what you want to say. I was probably naive to imagine anything else, so hey-ho.

It's pretty dumbed down TV though isn't it? I'd never seen it before.

The Man on the Telly

If you're not doing anything tomorrow (Wednesday) at seven, you can see me ranting incoherently to Angelica Bell on the One Show (BBC1). We filmed for about twenty minutes and they will edit it down to about four, so I've no idea what it will be like. Hopefully they will keep in the bit where I leap in front of Angelica to save her from being eaten by a crazed dog. Well that's my side of the story anyway...

Oh. I'm the one with the red woolly hat. It was freezing.

Ashes to Ashes

If your average Head was a bit more like Gene Hunt and a bit less like Frank Spencer, then we would not need to spend a small fortune on teacher recruitment adverts.

Turn Your Talent To Teaching

I heard one of the new teacher recruitment adverts today on the radio. A cheerful sounding fellow was explaining about how many galaxies there were to a spellbound class (apart from one wag who very politely asked had he seen them all, Sir?) He claimed to have once been an astrophysicist, which got me thinking:

How many ex-astrophysicists are teaching in the State Comps?

Maybe if you had been caught pointing your telescope at the local gym's outdoor aerobics class, then I suppose you might be asked to look elsewhere for a job. Although to be fair, the Government seems to be doing its best to get scientists to consider other careers by cutting £68 million off the Science budget

Also, if you made a joke about calling a galaxy 'Fred' to a group who were intelligent enough to be listening, then I don't think they would politely laugh; I reckon they would just think that you were a prat.

Five Live

Five Live had a piece this morning about a new Government advertising campaign designed to attract 'high flyers' into teaching. They had a nice teacher from a good school, who had helped produce the adverts, opposite a raving loony from Hell Comp who believed that if we had some discipline in schools then we probably wouldn't need an expensive TV adverts; we'd be fighting off hordes of prospective teachers with a big stick.

During our discussion, I started to give an example of a pupil misbehaving in class and how easy it is for a single disruptive child to utterly destroy your lesson. The other teacher replied with genuine puzzlement:

'Well I'd just tell him to stop and he would'

I think he was serious and maybe it is as simple as that in his school. I pointed out that in my dump, the child wouldn't even bother to aknowledge that you had said anything, but I started to get that age old feeling once again, that there is such a huge gap in the public's (and many teachers') perception of what it's really like trying to teach in a sink school and just how bad some of our customers can be. After all, that's why I wrote my book.

Anyway, you can probably listen to it again if you can get the site to work. It was around 8.30 am. As with all interviews, you always think of much cleverer things to say, five minutes after you've been cut off. Feel free to point these out.

Well, Burger Me!

McDonalds are offering 'A' Levels? It burgers belief!

Send me some more lines, so I can do a proper post.

NUT

One of the numerous teaching unions, the NUT; is holding a ballot of its members to see if they want to hold a one day strike.

This is the sort of approach that we always see in teaching:

When there is a problem, first have a meeting, then get everybody's opinion.
Then do something that is completely ineffectual, but which is designed to make everyone feel like they are making a tough stand and taking firm action.

The main problem in teaching nowadays isn't the money, it's the working conditions. The low status, the mindless paperwork and weak leadership. The constant dumbing down of exams, the stifling PC culture and the fact that there are brilliant and inspiring teachers working alongside utterly useless ones for exactly the same pay. Most importantly of all; the appalling behaviour of so many pupils and their parents, which ruins what should be the best job in the World.

If you want more from your employer, then you either have to convince them that you are worth it, or threaten them sufficiently that they have to capitulate. A one day strike by a minority of teachers does nothing except irritate a few parents.

Minority Report

I have long held an interest in Minority Sports. I don't mean swimming in a Burkha, or stoning your wife; I mean sports that tend not to appeal to a wide audience and have little or no prize money. As a result they do not require hugely expensive high tech equipment and have tended to preserve values of sportsmanship that have utterly disappeared from many more popular ones. (OK, with the possible exception of Rugby)

Anyway, last weekend I was talked into supporting my friend, Jimmy who was doing an event called the Thames Path Ultra. This, believe it or not; is a 50 mile running race from Reading along the Thames towpath.

My job was arduous indeed; I had to drive between the checkpoints and meet Jim at pre-arranged locations where I was to be ready with both refreshments and encouragement.

That was the theory anyway. What actually happened was that the whole area was deluged with rain the week before, so much of the path was actually under water. The runners therefore had to navigate around the flooding, risk life and limb; or do both. It didn't make my task any easier, driving around with my TomTom urging me to 'Turn left now!' down what appeared to be a boat launching ramp into a lake.

What amazed me (apart from the fact that 200 people had chosen to attempt it on a rainy January day) was the sheer camaraderie and good will between the runners and also between their supporters. All the competitors, many of them soaking wet and covered in mud; received a rousing cheer as they passed and I got so caught up with the whole thing that I gave away most of the food and drink that I had brought for my good friend. Fortunately Jim felt too rough to eat anything, so I managed to escape his wrath.

What on Earth persuades anyone to do something like this? I spoke to several runners at the start and was very surprised not to see anyone howling like a wolf, muttering to themselves or sticking pencils in their ears. They all seemed very happy and excited and couldn't wait to be off. Many were obviously veterans of this type of event, with their miniature backpacks (there was a minimum emergency kit list that had to be carried) patched with duct tape, torn Ron Hills and shoes that had clearly seen some serious mileage. (One man was laughing at anothers tale of getting hopelessly lost on a recent training run that had started and finished in the dark) Others with cleaner and newer looking kit, seemed rather more worried about what they had got themselves into and were shuffling towards the back of the starting lineup.

When I spoke to a few more at the end, I was struck by their modesty-despite having achieved something few of us can even contemplate (virtually a double marathon over pretty awful terrain) there was none of the hysterics that you see when a footballer scores a goal, instead I heard comments along the lines of 'Yeah, I had a few bad patches' (This from a man who had blood oozing from his shoe and appeared to be wearing the remains of his last meal on the front of his top.) Nobody moaned that the checkpoints were 10 miles apart and only gave out water. The race organiser was clearly one of those rare people who put tedious 'Health and Safety Regulations' secondary to the idea of 'You're an adult- take responsibility for your own actions.'

The whole thing was a very refreshing glimpse of a side of humanity that often goes unnoticed. (Especially on my blog.) ie acts of simple generosity, kind words and the sharing of limited resources. I think part of it is moving out of your comfort zone, which we never ever have to do in the modern centrally heated World. Even when I helpfully said: 'Keep going. You're looking good!' to a man who was on his hands and knees in the mud, retching; I received nothing more than a wry smile.

Anyway, well done to Jim and all the others who took part in something which I can honestly say; quite moved me.

ps Those of you who have suggested that my titles are shameless attempts to misdirect people looking for other topics; are of course correct.

If You Want To Know The Time...

The very best of luck to all those Plods marching on Whitehall today. Readers can show your solidarity with the Police by stopping the next one you see and telling them all about the abusive text messages that you have been receiving from your ex partners new ex.

Learning From Johnny Foreigner

We can learn a lot from other Countries; for example, how to eat animals we never thought were edible and ingenious new ways of requesting a stranger's bank details.

I'm all for following the The Germans (even though at the back of my mind, I do wonder whether it's just a way of sneaking an advance party into Russia) and The Americans are on to a great idea here.

Feel free to submit any more examples of good overseas practice (and I shall investigate them as part of my Diversity Training)

Country Ways

Herefordshire County Council have backed down on their plan to close or merge 37 schools across the County, probably due to much protesting by the locals. I'm not going to pretend that I know a great deal about all this, but I do know one thing.

As a general principle, smaller schools are better for kids than massive schools. In small schools, the teachers know every child and a fair number of the parents. In a big school the children are simply statistics.

However big schools are cheaper so that usually ends the argument.

Hitler, That Well Known Anti German

Jacqui Smith has shown her determination to monopolise all this week's posts by renaming Islamic terorrism as 'Anti Islamic Activity'

That should solve the problem. Osama will be quaking in his boots.

Let's not hear any mention of 'Newspeak' nor any suggestion that she should be renamed as 'Unemployed'

The Very Highest Double Standards

Jacqui Smith has announced that she would be frightened of walking streets of London alone at night. I would be too, but isn't it her job to make sure that the streets are safe at night?

Imagine the outcry if say, the Education Secretary said that they were sending their children to a private school because the Comprehensives where they live are terrible? It just couldn't happen.

Heavy Metal

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has announced that metal detectors will be used in some schools to try and prevent pupils bringing in knives. Like all ideas we need to think about how it could actually work in practise.

Let's assume that it takes on average 30 seconds per child (by the time they've triggered the damn thing with pencil sharpeners, belt buckles, watches etc and had to go through again, then triggered it again, then refused to go through it again, stormed off and returned with their mother who will want to complain about radiation, rights or something...)

Let's also assume that we are given two detectors so that we can use two entrances at the same time. With our 900 pupil school, we should be able to get everyone inside in just 3 hours and 45 minutes. So if we can make a prompt start at quarter to nine, then we will be finished by 12.30 just in time for lunch. Pupils found to be carrying knives will then be given a 20 minute detention. (Attendance optional)

Let's not hear any talk of ceramic knives, baseball bats, or chair legs and don't even think about windows or Fire Exits.

Doctor Who?

This article alleges that:

The bogus Irish International University (IIU), which offers sub-standard and worthless degrees, has been allowed to flourish in the UK - virtually unchecked by the government - for the last seven years'

Basically, they rip off a load of foreign students and give them a bit of paper which will make an employer double up with laughter. Shouldn't we be encouraging this? Most former Polytechnics have been busy offering sub-standard and worthless degrees for years. Cultural Studies anyone?

Prof. Frank Chalk (Dr. of Lettuce...er Letters)

You Gotta Have Faith

The Times reports that middle class parents (ie the ones that care about their children's education) are pretending to be deeply religious in order to get their children into Faith schools, which on average are much better than non faith schools.

Several friends of mine have had their child baptised and become best pals with the local vicar or priest, even though they have no more belief in Religion than I do. As you might have come to expect, my view on all this is quite simple:

The kids may well get indoctrinated, but at least they'll be able to spell it.

Mind you, nobody is pulling the wool over the eyes of the Teaching Union, NUT. They have spotted that: 'Faith schools discriminate against pupils from non religious backgrounds.'

Economics Lessons

This brat has been taught that you can steal £44 and if you are unlucky enough to get caught then you must pay back £75.

Sounds pretty good odds to me.

English Lessons

Whilst I wish Mrs Gorman had been my English teacher, I can't help but wonder whether the punishment have been different if she had been male and the Sixth Former, female? Perhaps Mr Caudle-Wood can tell us? (When he gets out)

Soft Options

Soft 'A' Levels? How can anybody claim that Leisure Studies is an easy option compared with say Further maths? Oh, ok then.

The real scandal is that 35% of the students who take Further Maths are from Private Schools, despite the fact that only 7% of kids attend them. The Comps just can't attract teachers who are able to teach it, or teach students to a high enough level that they can even attempt it.

R.I.P.

Oh no, I've just discovered that George MacDonald Fraser died last week. I slept through History at school because it was as dull as ditchwater and this brilliant author of the Flashman series of books is the only reason I know anything about the subject at all. He was banned in countless libraries and when the first book was published in the US several of the reviewers thought it was a genuine biography.

There are dozens of great Flashman quotes, one of my favourities being:

'Somebody screamed in terror- fortunately nobody heard me.' and

'You think twice about committing murder when you're over 70'

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you all. I know this is a bit late, but I've been skiing. If you ever go away with Crystal Holidays, please bear in mind that it appears to be a pre-requisite of their Reps that they are utterly helpless in all situations and unable to speak one word of the local language.

Guardian of Law and Order, and winner of the 'Best Police Inspector's Blog 2007' award Inspector Gadget sent me this article enquiring if it was anything to do with me. It isn't, as the chances of me ever progressing to Head are lower than John Prescott's IQ, but it made me laugh. (Especially where the mother said that she had 'cried and cried')

(Incidently Gadget's book will be out in the next few months and I've heard that it is a cracker.)

I love local papers with their 'Cat stuck up a tree' or 'Mrs Miggins falls over in the High St.' stories. Here's one that strikes a chord though. Apparently they reckon that litter bins attract litter. A cursory glance around Downtown indicates that areas frequented by the Underclass seem to attract litter. (Along with feckless, shell suited lumps) No doubt sociologists would have a field day about 'deprivation' and 'poverty' but how much exactly does it cost financially to put litter in a bin or take it home? There is a cost in effort though, which explains everything.

Schools like St. Thickchilds are knee deep in crisp packets, takeaway cartons and chocolate wrappers. Nobody is ever made to clear it up for a variety of imaginary Health and Safety reasons explained by a Head who has undergone an operation to have his spine removed.

Jumping around a bit, I'm sorry that I missed this story (which is also a bit out of date) I'm not surprised that Santa has fallen victim to the PC Brigade, his days were always numbered and I've never really trusted any man with a beard. No, I'm more surprised that prospective Santas go on a training course.

I'm still only posting occasionally as Dan the Editor is unaware that slavery has been abolished in Britain. Good luck to those of you who are going back to school today

Bah Humbug!

Stone the crows! I thought I'd return a few days later and see if anyone had come up with an answer to those three questions and by the timings on the posts it looks like I made the usual mistake of judging everybody else by my own low standards.


Chalks 7th Law of Teaching states that the intelligence of the staff is proportional to the intelligence of the pupils in their school. So clearly Mark Wilkinson does not work at St. Thickchilds. He wins because he was first to get them all right and even spotted my foolish mistake of assuming that the rule was proved after just four measly examples.

Oh I forgot; number 3 is the Monty Hall problem. I just tried to rewrite it slightly but as anonymous has pointed out it only works if I know which cup the diamond is under, so I can always choose to show you the other, empty one.

I do quite like problems like these as they demonstrate just how wrong common sense can be in unfamiliar circumstances. Mind you, I like beer more.

I'll have to think up a suitable prize now. Suggestions welcome

Merry Christmas!

This time last year, you were no doubt glued to your computer screens each morning to see what lay behind the door on Mrs C's Advent Calender. As we got a bit giddy with all the excitement we've decided to give it a miss and calm ourselves down this year. Instead here's three puzzles for you. First correct answer in the comments box for all three wins er... something good.


1) We are at a Xmas Party exchanging merry banter and you happen to mention that at the last party you attended, it turned out that two of the guests had the same bithday.

Quick as a flash, I offer to bet you £100 that two people in this very room have the same birthday. We quickly count them and see that there are 48 guests. Assume that I have never met any of the guests before; should you accept my bet? (+explain why?)

2) Ignoring your reluctance to engage me in any further conversation, I produce a deck of cards and you notice they all have a number on one side and a letter on the other. I announce that the cards obey a simple rule: if a card has a number three on one side then it must have a letter 'H' on the other.

I throw down four cards onto a convenient table '3' '8' 'T' and 'H'. You have 20 seconds to tell me which of them you need to turn over to prove or disprove my rule.

If you have not timed yourself ruthlessly and submit an answer, I shall know.

3) Even though you are now sidling away from me, I refuse to take the hint and regain your attention by producing a large diamond and three cups. I place the diamond under one of them and shuffle the cups around so that you lose track of where it is. I announce that if you guess correctly then you can keep the diamond. After a brief pause you place your finger on one of the cups. Rather than turning it over, I actually turn over one of the two other cups revealing it to have nothing underneath.

Now I offer you a choice: you can either stick with the cup you have chosen or swap to the other untouched cup. What should you do and why?

The last puzzle is quite famous, so you can have a bonus point if you know its name.

Merry Christmas
Frank

The Nativity Play

It is traditional at this time of year for all those with children of their own to decide to have an afternoon off to watch their child perform in a nativity play, whilst somebody else does their work for them. There will be no financial penalty for the play watcher or reward for the lesson coverer.

Those of you without children should think of it as an opportunity to say thank you for being allowed to cover for them during the year when they have been off because their children are ill.

For a change this year, I would like to ask that all those of you who are childless go into the Heads office waving an Ocean's 13 DVD and confidently inform them that you need the afternoon off to watch the film in the comfort of your own home with some friends. You need to leave school by about half twelve because you've got to pop in to the supermarket to get some wine and crisps...

Oh, do not under any circumstances complain in front of teachers whom you have covered for; as they have a well practiced but baffling argument along the lines that they are producing the workers of tomorrow and we should be grateful etc...

Pay and Display... You Pay and I Display

Gavin Brazg emailed me today. He runs an internet site called The advisory which gives all sorts of advice about buying and selling your house.

Why am I going on about him and his site? He has offered to give £50 to The Myelin project.

Whilst it's true that for £50 I would probably recommend John Darwin's Travel Guides, I can say from my own experience, that his tip about haggling down estate agents fees is spot on.

So if you are buying or selling a house click on the Sidebar Link and see what he has to say.

Anybody else who wants to be in Pay and Display, just email me.

Listen Up!

If you happen to be buying your Christmas Tat from Amazon this year, do me a favour and click on one of the book icons on the right hand side of the blog to get to Amazons website. You don't have to buy my book, just go via this site and they send me a small commission on whatever you spend.

Contrary to popular belief, this money doesn't get spent on beer, dive trips to the Red Sea or even a new pair of skis. It goes to the Myelin Trust http://www.myelinproject.co.uk/ who finance research into curing MS.

I selfishly chose this charity because a mate has the disease. So far I've raised about £150 but when I've totted it up properly I'll get them to send a receipt so I can stick it up on the blog. (As I know perfectly well that you all think it's a scam!)

STOP PRESS

After spending the last 24 hours in Liverpool, Gillian Gibbons has demanded that she be returned immediately to a Sudanese Prison.

At least She'll have Lost A Few Pounds In That Jail

Gillian Gibbons today thanked the Sudanese President for his generous pardon:

"I am so relieved that this awful misunderstanding is finally over and I am very much looking forward to being reunited with the children I teach, my lovely colleagues and the school dog Mohammed"

And So Is This...

Poor old Gordon Brown is under fire again today after claiming that he saw no reason to doubt the authenticity of a £2 million pound donation from Sharon Watts, checkout girl at Tescos.

Mind you, anyone who thinks the GTC is a bit harsh should get a job in Sudan, where ex-pat teacher Gillian Gibbons was recently interviewed on Kartoum Radio:

Ahmed: "So Gillian, how are you enjoying life in our wonderful country?"

GG: "Well it's alright, very sunni and warm, but I do think that banning alcohol is a bit much. I mean, I'm not really a big drinker; but you know what it's like after a long week learning the Koran off by heart... It's hard work and you need a drink, especially in this heat. Come on Ahmed, you must have a few contacts who could help me get lashed?"

Don't Worry, This Is A One-Off

I was going to tell you about the latest revelation from Downing St. that Alistair Darling sent the bank details of 25 million Brits to a Nigerian email scammer who said he 'needed them urgently for good helping with a PhD Project'

but unfortunately The Daily Mash beat me to it. Hats off to them, they're always spot on.

Apparently the abject failure of eleven hopeless overpaid dandies last night is going to cause a collapse in the economy.

I'm too busy with the new book to post regularly (and in any case, sales of Frank Chalk went up as soon as I stopped!)

Mrs Chalk's department decided recently that pupils should be given projects to do rather than dull, old fashioned learning type homeworks. The result of this is that every 14 year old child in her class can produce a messy pile of gloop that they call a model of a cell; made out of plastecine, jelly and God knows what, but cannot name a single one of its parts.

That's what I call progress...

David Cameron wants pupils to stand up when a teacher comes into the classroom. I'm all for this, in fact I'd have them kneeling down and touching their foreheads to the ground. I can't say that I ever had any problems getting kids to stand up; it was getting them to sit back down again and stop running round the room shouting "F*** Off!" that used to stump me. I notice he didn't have much to say on that score.

Oh, Thanks to Random House- they are publishing It's Your Time in Australia from Jan 1st. That should put a stop to any more Aussie teachers coming over. I've agreed to be interviewed by Kylie in mid Jan.

Look after yourselves (and don't get a job in Los Angeles)

Thank God He's Stopped!

I'm going to stop doing the blog for a while as I'm busy working on a new book for Dan Collins of Monday Books and being male, I can only do one thing at a time.

I'll leave it all up and you should feel free to continue to add comments (which are often far better than the posts).

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have read the blog, commented on the posts or bought a copy of 'It's Your Time You're Wasting'. I've thoroughly enjoyed doing them both. There might also be some news on the telly front soon, but we'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, if you haven't read the book I'd certainly recommend it.

Apparently some of you are busy pretending to be me on the TES forums and upsetting people. This is an absolute disgrace and an insult to my integrity, so feel free to continue.

Oh, have a look at News from Monday Books for updates now and again.

University Challenge

Far more 18 year olds go to University nowadays than in the past. The Government has decided (probably correctly) that taxpayers don't want to foot the bill for this huge increase in student numbers. There are two results of this policy:

1) Many students leave with huge debts which they will be paying off into their 30s.

2) There are lots of students who are as thick as a whale omelette.

Now you could argue that the economy needs more graduates. I'm happy with that if you mean Engineers, Chemists or Computer Scientists. But do we really need graduates with Mickey Mouse degrees in Media, Footballers Wifery and Celebrity Studies; or should we stop conning them into wasting three years amassing huge debts, before discovering that they can only get a job in a call centre?

Put 'Em Up!

Right let's have a fight.

Teachers: what do you think about the kids you teach and their parents?

Parents: what do you think about your kids and their teachers

Pupils: what is your preferred brand of cider?

Any other group such as Employers, Police, Doctors and Park Wardens should feel free to join in as well.

Osama Video 'Boring'

After receiving ‘hundreds’ of videos from Osama Bin Laden, the British Government has finally told the BBC to send him one of their own.

Cabinet Minister Alan Millington who asked not to be identified, told us today:

"We're all sick to death of Osama's videos cluttering up the office. I got a headache watching the last one because they couldn't even keep the camera steady. Bunch of bloody amateurs. That same old cave and rusty AK47. Doesn't he realise it's all about location, location, location. And as for that flea bitten robe he always wears…

Our first aim must be to try and get Osama to improve the quality of his films if he is going to keep on sending us the damn things. Personally I'd like to just tell him to stop, but the BBC has all sorts of quotas to try and encourage ethnic minorities into broadcasting.

Anyway, we've asked them to send him some tips on how to make a decent ten minute presentation. You know; vary the tone of your voice, use proper lighting and a few basic special effects that can be done in a cave. We think that he could make the overall tone a bit less confrontational and they will enclose a few of their guidelines on being more inclusive- he never has any blacks, women, homosexual or disabled people playing lead roles, which as we’ve explained to him several times; is just not on these days. He should consider trying out PowerPoint also."

Head of Drama Productions at the BBC, Cedric Smythe-Wilkinson was more positive about the famous cave dwelling film maker.

"To be honest, I quite liked Osama’s early stuff, when he’d just got the camera. It was really atmospheric- you know, all those threats and cries for universal Jihad. The one where they’re having a yard of ale race in the cave and he called Tony Blair a puff was hilarious but we weren’t allowed to show it in case we got complaints of homophobia.

Trouble is nowadays it’s just his holidays and Christmas family get togethers, which always have load of karaoke- they’re all really into that. He likes to grab the mike, jump on the table and sing that old Gary Glitter “I’m the leader" song. Thing is, if he listened to the news a bit more he’d understand that we aren’t allowed to play any Glitter stuff nowadays either, but he thinks we’re just picking on him.”

Head of Sixth Form

I can confirm that This man has been offered a job doing the new teacher recruitment adverts. (Rather than the Government's new road safety campaign)

Actually he nearly blew the interview at the last minute, due to a misunderstanding when the secretary said "We're prepared to give you the job..."

Northern Rock

Good news at last for Northern Rock savers- the Nigerian State Bank has today agreed to buy the beleaguered building society for the sum of £108 billion.

Peter Hillditch, the General Manager confirmed this morning that secret negotiations, which had taken place over the last couple of days had been successful:

"Due to the extremely short timescale in which this deal has been brokered, the terms and conditions are somewhat unconventional. Lagos Bank will transfer £32000 of the money into each of our customers' accounts once we have sent all their details including addresses, passwords and mother's maiden name. We feel that this is a truly wonderful result for all our members."

Copperfield!

David Copperfield has finally exposed himself.

He's a top bloke and I wish him all the best in Canada.

Teacher Of The Year

Well done to Susan Green who is the best teacher in Britain. The rest of you really should pull your socks up- she's only been teaching a year and uses puppets.

According to the article she was presented with a gold Plato. This is either a priceless statue of the famous Greek philosopher or evidence that the reporter could do with some spelling lessons from Ms Green.

Is there really a Minister called Peter Peacock?

Shameless Advert

If you liked my book, then have a look at the other titles published by Monday Books

If you didn't like my book (for example, if your child is called Wayne) then buy another copy and read it again. You might enjoy it more the second time.

The Man On The Telly

Those of you who subscribe to the conspiracy theory that David Copperfield and I are the same person will be able to watch me on Panorama this Monday at 8.30 pm.

Parallel Worlds

Have a look at this article

Replace the word 'Police Officers' with 'Teachers'. 'Constabulary' with 'Schools' and... well you get the idea.

The decline in the Police Force exactly mirrors the decline in Education. We face the same problems; weak leaders, endless Government meddling, lack of public respect or support and ever increasing, mindless bureaucracy.

They can't strike and we won't.

Go Away.

Here's a good example of a nonsense story:

Despite the headline, Mrs Horsman has not been banned from her daughter's school at all. They have simply asked her to make an appointment rather than just turning up if she wants to speak to someone. How outrageous. After all, if you want to see your doctor, optician or dentist, you can just barge in and they will see you straight away... Oh no, hang on a minute; they won't.

All manner of freaks, nutters and window lickers used to turn up at my school; ranting and raving, swearing, shouting and usually demanding to have Mr Chalk 'sorted out.' The Head was too weak to simply tell them all to clear off.

School Uniform

Parents- make sure your child has his kevlar blazer properly buttoned up for the new term.

Here's a link to the supplier of the new St. Thickchilds School Uniform. They offer a 10% discount for whole class orders.

Nasty Little Scrote

A far more suitable punishment would be to stick 925 000 volts through this wretch as he will probably be let out in two and a half years.

The Department of the Blindingly Obvious

A recent study by Southampton University shows evidence that behaviour is affected by certain food additives.

Now tell us something that we didn't know.

The vast majority of the behavioural problems currently blamed on a variety of fashionable complaints are down to nothing more than poor diet, weak parenting and lack of exercise.

Oh sorry, I've said that nine times before.

Birthday Present (Well not present actually)

Here, for your amusement is the verbatim transcript of a telephone conversation which took place earlier today:

Bring, Bring! Bring, Bring!

Mrs Scuzzer (groggily):" Uh, 'ello?"

Mrs Chalk (brightly): "Good morning Mrs Scuzzer, I'm just phoning because your daughter Tequilla wasn't in school yesterday and we didn't receive any phone call from you. Is she ill?

Mrs Scuzzer (wide awake now): "No, it was her birthday!"

Mrs. Chalk (somewhat dumbfounded):"Er..well...erm..."

Click

Why Not Scrap The Exam And Just Give Out The A*s?

2007 AQA Biology GCSE (3 modular tests, spread out over 12 months so you only need to revise a few topics at a time) 28 marks out of 45 (62%) on the first paper gets you an A* Grade. Subsequent papers are expected to be graded on the same basis.

1982 JMB Biology O Level Paper (Exams cover all of two year syllabus) 80.1% required for a Grade A, according to the examiners report.

Dumbing down? No, no, no. The pupils are just getting cleverer.

The two kids that I feel sorry for are:

1) The highly intelligent pupil who has worked hard and would always have answered 95% of the questions correctly. They receive no real recognition of their talent.

2) The kid who scrapes a 'C' Grade and is told how clever they are. They are encouraged to study the subject further and later discover after wasting much time and effort that they have no real academic ability whatsoever. They have been completely conned.

Oh, for non teachers- A* is the grade above A nowadays (Don't ask me why)

Those Who Can etc

The TDA have just sent me one of their latest adverts, which aim to try and persuade more people to go into teaching.

No it isn't

In response to those who emailed asking if this was me writing under another pseudonym; I'm afraid that it isn't, but I do like it.

Tough Talk but no Trousers...

Goodness, this is a tough, draconian measure.

Poor old Liam and Chesney will no longer be allowed to drink cider in the park, go on a shoplifting expedition, or hang round the school gates shouting out their opinion of the Headmaster's parents.

Unfortunately like all the other tough measures, there is never any mention of what will happen to Coyne when he simply ignores it. As you can breach your ASBO 25 times with impunity, or keep your child off school without any fear of the Local Authority taking you to Court, I don't think that expellees with a love of the great outdoors should worry too much just yet.

Shazney Smallbrain Has Just Graduated From Primary School, Age 26...

Primary School Teachers will no doubt be jumping for joy over Tory proposals to make kids who haven't learnt to read, write or do the odd sum; stay on for another year rather than go to Secondary School where they will have absolutely no chance of keeping up.

Predictably the Teachers Unions have described it as unworkable (forgetting that it works in the US, Germany and several other countries which I'm sure readers will name)

The average member of the public might well say: "Why on Earth can't they manage to teach kids to read in seven years?". After meeting Ashley or Dwayne and their parent, they would probably change this question to: "I wonder if I could get him to sit or fetch a ball?"

The professionals will twitter about self esteem and stress, but I can't help but think that we should teach Wayne to spell 'esteem' before telling him whether it is high or low.