Hillbilly Vacation
I'm officially on vacation for the next week, so blogging will be light or, more likely, nonexistent as I begin my multi-state driving tour. In open defiance of an obscure part of WV code, I will not be spending any of my time in Myrtle Beach.

I picked up the Alpbilly at the airport yesterday. Today, as we drove into my hometown during a quick visit there, he uttered the unimaginable words: "Who's Jessica Lynch?"

"Iraq? POW? Don't you remember?" I sighed, slightly disgusted and exasperated. He finally did.

Later in the journey he was delighted -- for just a second -- to experience for the first time the smell of skunk. Needless to say, he soon tired of that.

New duds for the 'Eers
People are ranting and raving over the new Mountaineer football uniforms officially unveiled yesterday. Click here to go to the article -- to see all the different uniforms, click on the photo gallery link. A caller to Hoppy Kercheval's morning show -- during the Friday steam release segment -- declared the uniforms looked like they'd been designed by a 12-year-old. The real question, of course, is whether the Big East logo will appear on the uniform after next season.

Mailbag
It was good to hear from Amy in VA who wrote me her thoughts on the quarter designs (they're lame, she says). It's good to have a reader in VA, land of the Cavaliers, Spiders, and, yes, Hokies. They're none too popular at the moment in these parts. I really, really wonder what's going to happen when the Hokies come to the Mountain State Oct. 22, a Wednesday night. Dear Lord.

Leave it to the Brooklyn Hillbilly
We can always count on him to provide insightful commentary on matters of high importance, such as the statue of the female veteran, about which he writes: "The statue's pants are too high - they need to be low enough so that you can see the top of her thong -- and honestly, some headlight action wouldn't hurt." Hmmm, yeah, I'm guessing the Veterans of Foreign Wars wouldn't go for the thong idea, but who knows. BTW, a letter to the editor in today's Daily Mail declares that the statue looks like Pfc. J. Lynch.

Someday when the Brooklyn Hillbilly sells his prime piece of real estate in Wood County and can afford a computer, I believe he'll start his own blog that will blow this piece of trash right out of the water.

More on the National Mall hillbillyfest
There's an article about the Smithsonian Folklife Festival in today's Daily Mail. Chef Harvey Christie (aka Chef Harv) of Romney will be a concessionaire at the festival and also will demonstrate to the crowd how to make biscuits, beer can chicken and other dishes. The festival is reportedly one of Washington's top tourist events, with more than 1 million expected to attend.

Yesterday's bloggage:
Here's where you can go vote for your favorite WV quarter design. This is on the Daily Mail web site, so it's purely for fun. It's not like you're really having a say in the design (I assume). My favorite is currently in the lead, and, no, I haven't been voting once per minute.

You'll also want to visit this page and take a gander at the statue of the female veteran that people have been fighting over for months. I don't know -- it seems to me she clearly has female breasts. The argument that she should be wearing a skirt seems ludicrous.

Blogger
FYI -- Blogger was down much of the day yesterday, so I couldn't access my account to post anything, nor could I correct the embarrassing misspelling of the word masturbate in one of my Tuesday posts. Thanks to Chris in DE for pointing that out.

If it weren't for those darned evil roads
This is lifted from an article in the Beckley Register-Herald today: "More than 24,000 Americans died between 1998 and 2001 in car crashes in which neither driver error nor impairment were cited as factors, suggesting that the roads themselves contributed to the crashes, according to a study released Monday.

THE ROADS THEMSELVES contributed to the accidents! What great news! This is just one more thing we can mark off our already short list of things for which we're responsible. I'm not responsible for eating too much fatty fast food (OK, the jury is still out on this, but I think it's just a matter of time); I'm not responsible for guzzling scalding hot coffee like an absolute moron or, worse, spilling it on my crotch; and I'm not responsible for figuring out that ice forms on a bridge or highway overpass before the other part of the roadway -- instead year-round signage is required at these most dangerous places (the bridges and roads are in cahoots!). Oh, this is a wonderful world!

Wherever 15 are gathered in My name...
...there shall be fighting. According to an AP story, a fire earlier this week at a church in Mingo County is now being investigated because "some church members and sheriff's official suspect arson because of a dispute within the church." Oh, I forgot to say that the congregation is reported to be 'about FIFTEEN' (my emphasis, obviously). Um, OK, your church has 15 people. That in itself is a bit of a problem for basic financial reasons, I'd think, but if you can't get along with each other, isn't that another sign something's wrong?

He'd clog over hot coals...
Jane e-mailed and pointed my attention to these classic lines from Bob Kelly's column in the Charleston Daily Mail: (in reference to Wise's absence from a recent event in Clarksburg) "Up until May 12, when the news came out about Wise and Mascia, he would have crawled over broken glass to welcome a Dairy Queen developer to Big Ugly. He would clog over hot coals to reach any sort of media event anywhere in the state."

There's also a National Review commentary on Wise's, er, situation.

Oh, what a day for blogfodder.
If you find yourself so overcome (eh hum) with sexual urges and feel you must pull over on a busy street to masturbate, it's wise not to park beside a tall building, thereby giving the building's occupants a clear view of your solo act. It's also not especially wise to park illegally, which attracts even more attention. While not absolutely necessary, it's in good taste to close your sunroof.

If only I hadn't been so traumatized by the sight, while I was standing at the window taking my short morning break, I would have opened the window and shouted down something at the fool, like "You'll go blind!" The moron finished the act and drove away, according to what my co-worker reported after I collapsed in my chair screaming "OH MY GOSH! WHAT AN IDIOT!" The co-worker saw "something white" in his lap, but as the view from his window wasn't as "good" as mine, he couldn't tell exactly what that was -- perhaps a clean-up cloth (ARGHHHHHHHHHHH! Well, I suppose if you're prone to such abrupt sessions along the road, it's best to carry tissues, towels, etc.).

The only thing I've seen that's dumber than this was the time in grad school when we were sitting in class and some nitwit guy walked up to the classroom window and peed against the side of the building. We sat there appalled, but the teacher resumed her lecture on some obscure bit of 18th century literature almost immediately. While I assume the pee-er didn't realize there was a class on the other side of the window, he was right along a frequently traveled sidewalk and very much in the middle of what I'd call a public area. And it only would have taken a few seconds more to walk INSIDE the building to the restroom.

Celebrating WV Day the New York Way
In his continued attempts to convince his NYC co-workers that WV is really a state, the Brooklyn Hillbilly (he lives in Brooklyn -- hence the name BROOKLYN Hillbilly) informed his colleagues of what he terms the WV "high holy day." He sent an e-mail to his co-workers, declaring: "I can't imagine that anyone doesn't know this - but, just in case -- today is West Virginia Day - the 140th aniversary of WV's statehood. Back home, most everyone has the day off (assuming he or she is lucky enough to be employed). So, everyone can wish me happy WV Day -- and, also, I think gifts would be appropriate." (Please note it's fiction, unfortunately, that most people have the day off work in WV.)

In response, he was offered some tofu and steamed veggies (from the vegan), and another asked why he was at work -- "shouldn't you be making moonshine somewhere?" To that, the Brooklyn Hillbilly replied, "Later I will drink corn liquor from a clay jug and slur insults at a woman. This is why it's so hard to get a date for west virginia day."

The WV Quarter
Here's what the Brooklyn Hillbilly has to say about the quarter designs. I knew I could count on him for witty analysis of the contestants:

"I'm with you on the quarter 100%. Here's why: the quilt's O.K. but 'Appalachian warmth' sounds like a hillbilly-themed porn movie. The jumping off the bridge quarter and the rafting quarter are out because that's not what WVians do; it's what we let yahoo tourist pay for. And the Mother's Day thing is the worst - they look like they're waiting on a handout or something. And I think the little girl is picking her nose."

WV Quarter Designs Unveiled
Hoorah! I definitely like the first one best, even though I was hoping for one with the state's outline. However those that do include the state's outline just don't do it for me.
Here's the article about the quarter designs, and here's the link to the actual designs. Note: On this page, it's the one in the middle, by a Morgantown resident, that I like. Which one do you like?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WEST VIRGINIA!

That said, here's part of a press release on the Smithsonian Folklife Festival sent to me by Mr. Hartley. You'll note there will be several West Virginians participating.

Smithsonian Folklife Festival Features the Music of Appalachia
The Smithsonian Folklife Festival program "Appalachia: Heritage and Harmony" is the culminating event for the Year of Appalachia, designated by Congress to run through July. Held on the National Mall from Wednesday, June 25 through Sunday, June 29 and from Wednesday, July 2 through Sunday, July 6, the Smithsonian program will focus on musical traditions of the region, including bluegrass, old-time music, African-American traditions, blues, gospel, ballads and occupational songs. Admission is free.

The Folklife Festival program also celebrates the 75th anniversary of the "Bristol Sessions," recordings made of the Carter Family and Jimmie Rodgers in the Tennessee-Virginia border town of Bristol in the summer in 1927. Those commercial recordings brought old-time ballads and string and mountain music to broad audiences across the United States and marked the beginnings of the country music industry.

"The region around Bristol -- encompassing portions of Virginia, Kentucky, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee and West Virginia -- has been a historic center of cultural creativity," says program curator Jeff Place. "The roots of this music lie in the inclination of folks to turn experience into story, song and music. Dolly Parton, Ralph Stanley, Ricky Skaggs, Earl Scruggs, Doc Watson and Loretta Lynn, among many others, come from this region."

Participants will range from such master practitioners as 85-year-old, National Heritage Award-winner and old-time fiddler Ralph Blizard, to up-and-coming performers such as 18-year-old, West Virginia fiddler Jake Krack. Last year Krack, who began fiddling when he was 6, took first place in the under-60 category in a fiddler competition in Charleston, W. Va.—the youngest person ever to win that honor.

Additional musical performers will include the VW Boys, a bluegrass band from Tennessee; Nat Reese, a guitarist and former coal miner, who plays the traditional blues and swing music he learned as a boy in West Virginia; Sheila Kay Adams, a seventh-generation singer from North Carolina; the O'Quinns, a Virginia bluegrass band made up of father Fred and sons Keith and Kyle; the Celtibillies, whose repertoire includes a wide range of traditional Celtic and Appalachian old-time music and song; and the Buckingham Lining-Bar Gang, an African American group known for its railroad work songs. Visitors will be able to join these musicians and others at the Festival's pickin' area.

The Appalachia program will also feature the foodways, dance forms, storytelling and work lore that inspire and sustain the region. Regional cooks will demonstrate a variety of apple-butter making and canning techniques, as well as such traditional dishes as fried chicken, greens, biscuits and gravy, stack cakes and fried pies. Cooks will also demonstrate haute cuisine dishes derived from traditional Appalachian foods.

After being named the "Biggest Liar" five times at the annual West Virginia Liars Contest, storyteller Bil Lepp was promoted to emcee, so other folks could have a chance at the title. Lepp will entertain Festival visitors with his tall tales. Native American storyteller Lloyd Arneach learned his first legends from two storytelling uncles on the Cherokee reservation in North Carolina. Arneach will share those and other stories he has collected. Orville Hicks will bring to life the old stories about Jack, a youngest son seeking his fortune.

"Appalachia: Heritage and Harmony" is produced in collaboration with the Birthplace of Country Music Alliance and the Center for Appalachian Studies at East Tennessee State University and with generous contributions from the Recording Industries Music Performance Trust Funds, King Pharmaceuticals, the Norfolk Southern Foundation, Tennessee Tourism, and West Virginia Division of Tourism, and with support from the Appalachian Regional Commission.

Since 1967, the Smithsonian Folklife Festival has celebrated traditional cultures from across the United States and around the world. In addition to Appalachia, the 2003 Festival will feature programs on Mali and Scotland. The Festival is produced by the Smithsonian Center for Folklife and Cultural Heritage and co-sponsored by the National Park Service.

Mountaineers are Always Taxed (how do you say that in Latin?)
A local TV station was doing some pre-WV day coverage (WV Day is tomorrow, June 20) and included this in their list of things you might not know about West Virginia: On July 1, 1921, West Virginia became the first state to adopt a sales tax. Argh. I guess there's no hope we'll ever get rid of it.

2003 Smithsonian Folklife Festival
I received an e-mail today from the Executive Director of the Birthplace of Country Music Alliance. I get shivers when I get an email from an executive director of anything, but in this case it was OK because he sent me several web addresses I'd like to share with you. If you remember, I mentioned a few days ago (or was it weeks??) the 2003 Smithsonian Folklife Festival on the National Mall. I linked to an article in a Bristol newspaper. Here's a link to the actual festival website (pretty snazzy, I must say.

Gardenblogging
I've grown a very stately eggplant (a plant, not the actual fruit) in my backyard. It finally produced one bloom, but that was knocked off during a recent downpour. I think I've most likely over-fertilized the plant, and used the wrong kind of fertilizer. I've accomplished similar results with tomatoes -- lush foliage & no fruit. So, at this point, I think I will have to be content with this nice eggplant that doubles as an ornamental shrub.

BAHHHH! I just finished emailing the Brooklyn Hillbilly to ask for his help in a little blog project (thinking up WV sites that would make great porn backdrops -- all of this because of the aforeblogged news about the St. Albans woman). Then I clicked on Metronews' site to read Hoppy's daily commentary, and DARN if he didn't sort of do the same thing. OK, he only mentioned two sites, so I'm gonna go ahead and do my little list o' sites. If you have ideas you can email me. I'm thinking this can be a great economic development idea. I mean, we're OK funding the state with gambling $, so why not porn?

I am just now, at 7:30 p.m., getting to reading the day's news. Just 7 days till my big hillbilly vacation, and I'm counting down the seconds.

Take that and leverage it right up your paradigm
This is by far the best news of the day. Thanks to the Brooklyn Hillbilly for sending me this story. Sometimes I think it's just me being hypersensitive -- thank God this mumbo jumbo annoys others, too (because if you have to be annoyed, it's somewhat comforting to know others are suffering as well). YahooNews: "A new software program sends a clear message to corporate America -- cut out the bull. New York-based Deloitte Consulting admits it helped foster confusing, indecipherable words like 'synergy,' 'paradigm,' and 'extensible repository,' but now it has decided enough is enough."

OK, I've read the Washington Post story several times and the things that stick out to me most probably aren't the things everyone else is dwelling on. First, is this the first time it's been reported that Lori Piestewa survived the ambush and was not killed instantly? (I may well have missed other reports about her) I find the chronology of the battle interesting to read. The main theme, it seems to me, however, is that there are varying accounts about her care at the hospital, her treatment, her injuries, whether her weapon did or did not jam and when, etc.

But wait, a pissy mood is washing over me...Why, do you suppose, it's necessary to note (in paragraph 3) that Mr. Lynch wears a "fresh t-shirt each day" with a yellow ribbon pinned to the chest? OK, fine, you want to work in that symbolic yellow-ribbon detail and that the man is right by his daughter's side. FINE. But a fresh t-shirt each day? What's so odd about that? Is it a subtle jab because you think the man should be dressing up in a coat and tie or do you think West Virginians wear the same clothes for weeks at a time and feel it's noteworthy to comment on the freshness of his apparel? Maybe in the next article we can find out if he brushes his teeth or showers each day. This will be great info to pass along to the world -- not only do people from the "hollows" of WV wear "fresh t-shirts" every day, but they also BATHE!

Use of the word "waiflike" in reference to JL also makes me cringe, but at this point what do you expect.

But maybe I'm just overly defensive and in a worse mood than usual.

Bare Nekkid Lady in the State Capitol
Well, not quite naked. A St. Albans woman has apparently used the State Capitol as a backdrop for some photos on her "soft porn" website. I'm sure the Brooklyn Hillbilly will conduct a full investigation of this matter -- of the website, I mean. "On one Web site, Keesee hikes up her short red skirt in pictures taken in the state Senate chamber in the Capitol. In another Senate chamber photo, she is seated and showing her undergarments. Other pictures show her hiking up her skirt in a post office, reportedly in St. Albans."

Skillet, please
Some days I wish someone would just whack me on the head with a big cast iron skillet. Today is one of those days.

Lynchlines
If you haven't seen it already, here's the story by Jim Rutenberg in the New York Times today about CBS' wooing of Jessica Lynch. I like the second paragraph: "Katie Couric of NBC News sent Private Lynch, now 20, a bundle of patriotic books, including Rudolph W. Giuliani's memoir, 'Leadership.' Diane Sawyer, of ABC News, sent a locket with a photograph of Private Lynch's family home in Palestine, W. Va." The home in a locket! Now there's an original idea!

And then there's this paragraph: "A good dose of charm has always been an important part of the media courtship and remains so. Typical of a friendly pitch, Jane Clayson, a CBS News correspondent, wrote a letter to Private Lynch in May reminding her that they shared the astrological sign of Taurus. 'I hope you have a great day,' said Ms. Clayson, referring to Private Lynch's birthday."

You know, that really made my day. Whenever I'm discouraged about my job, it helps to find another job that is altogether worse. Imagine the poor assistant who had to sit down and pen that little card to JL. I would definitely not last long at such work.

In response to the criticism it received in the press today, CBS is defending their pitch to JL. (hat tip to Jane in Charleston, who I hope is high and dry -- Kanawha County experienced horrible flooding today for the second time in less than a week)

*Update*
During a discussion about the CBS offer to JL, a guest on MSNBC's Scarborough Country (tonight's alternative to Greta V. and the 180th day of dissecting the Laci Peterson case) used the word INCENTIVIZE twice (in rapid succession, I might add). Add this to the list of words that irk the heck out of me. Anyway, then they put a summary list of the CBS deal on the screen. Part of the offer was an MTV concert in JL's hometown. ACK! Now just where would that be staged?

Hillbilly Hiatus
I have some time off, so I'm heading out town a little early for the weekend. During that time, I hope the weather doesn't IMPACT my plans, as I hope to FACILITATE some flower planting at my dad's house.

Here's another chapter in the Wise-Mascia-Frye saga in today's Daily Mail to entertain you. One interesting detail (of many) -- Frye & Mascia did NOT meet online. They allegedly met in person at Steak & Ale in 1996 while each was waiting for a table. After that they began communicating by e-mail.

Word Rant
I have many, many character flaws. One of those is the immediate rage that washes over me when I hear certain words. There's really no reason for my reaction to most of these words -- they simply grate on my nerves. Some people can't stand fingernails scraping over chalkboards; I can't stand certain words.

Topping my list of words that irrationally send my blood pressure through the roof is FACILITATE. As this word is thrown about quite a bit in my workplace, I'm in a nearly constate state of agitation. What irritates me about FACILITATE, I think, is that its fans seem to think it makes them sound more intelligent, or using the word somehow gives importance to what they're talking about. And, I'm convinced most of the time they're completely misusing the word. For example, sometimes it's said that someone is going to FACILITATE someone else. According to ye olde dictionary, FACILITATE means, simply, "to make easy or easier." How can one person make another person "easy or easier"? Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. They also use FACILITATE when they mean DO. And, sometimes I believe FACILITATE is substituted for a word that sounds somewhat like it: ACCOMMODATE. And that substitution, of course, IRRITATES THE HELL OUT OF ME!

Another word that ruffles my feathers is IMPACT. It's fine as a noun, but when repeated incessantly as a verb -- as it often is in my workplace -- it causes steam to shoot out of my ears and nose. The report will IMPACT our program. The weather IMPACTS that event. My aversion to the verb IMPACT dates back to reading James J. Kilpatrick's The Writer's Art at a young age (a good read, by the way, though not as most frequently recommended as Strunk & White's Elements of Style). Says Kilpatrick, "In the usage that has fastened like fatty tissue to the arteries of our language, the verb is a barbarism." Kilpatrick's opinion was the verb should be reserved for only special occasions, such as in the meaning "to compress."

Mothman on the WV quarter!
In case you can't wait till WV Day to find out what the five top designs are for the WV quarter, the AP has released a story with tantalizing details about some of the entries:

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) -- Snowcapped mountains, the grand span of the New River Gorge Bridge and the dark, shadowy figure of Mothman -- they're among hundreds of ideas for West Virginia's state quarter.
Other proposed designs feature the state symbols -- black bear, cardinal and rhododendron, as well coal mining and the Capitol's golden dome.
About 1,800 designs have been submitted to the governor's office since mid-March, said Susan Small-Plante, who is in charge of the project.

Alright, I've not said anything about it before when I've mentioned WV quarter stories, but I can stand it no longer -- SMALL-PLANTE???!
OK, here's more:

One pays tribute to the National Radio Astronomy Observatory at Green Bank in Pocahontas County, while another honors Taylor County native and Mother's Day founder Anna Jarvis.
Other designs are more personal. An 11-year-old girl sketched her home.
Then there is the one depicting a West Virginia legend, Mothman...

The story goes on to say that 12 recent high school graduates at the Governor's Youth Arts Academy will select the five finalists.

And here's a very interesting tidbit in the article: the New River Gorge Bridge is the world's longest steel-arch bridge, but not for much longer. Shanghai's Lupu Bridge is nearing completion and will top our bridge as the longest. BAHHH! We must build a longer one! Level one of those mountains and extend the New River Gorge Bridge!

Giant downpour strikes Charleston
We escaped yesterday's big storm up here in the northern part of the state.

Hillbilly Violence
A shocking murder in Roane County, right in downtown Spencer. The Brooklyn Hillbilly says this illustrates why he moved to NYC where it's nice and safe. While Googling Roane County, I found the county's newspaper online: The Times Record.

Declaration
I, ____ _. ______, hereby swear that when I retire, or grow feeble enough to be spellbound by others performing yard work, I shall never sit on my porch and stare at neighbors while they mow grass, pull weeds, plant and water flowers or shrubs, or paint objects on their property. Should I happen to be lounging on my porch when a neighbor commences his/her yard work, I swear that I will make it clear that I am otherwise amused by, say, reading a book or magazine, repotting a plant, grooming a domestic animal, etc. Further, I vow that I will not peer into the windows of my neighbors' homes to watch their redecorating efforts or routine household tasks and later question them about those activities and comment on the color of paint chosen.


OK, there. I'm on record. If the Brooklyn Hillbilly finds that I am violating this at any time in the future, I demand that he immediately start the process of having me sent to an Old Hillbillies Home where I can sit and stare the rest of my life away.

Hillbillies on the National Mall?
Darn it, the Year of Appalachia is nearly over (ends in July) and I didn't even know about it! According to this story from the Coalfield Progress (a Virginia newspaper), which references a Smithsonian Institute press release, Congress designated 2003 as the "Year of Appalachia." The culminating event in the year's festivities will be a folklife festival -- "Appalachia: Heritage and Harmony" -- that runs June 25-29 and July 2-6 on the National Mall in D.C. Admission is free.

Hillbilly Lit
Just one more quote from John O'Brien's book. This, I think, is the line that stood out to me the most.

(p. 230-231, At Home in the Heart of Appalachia, John O'Brien, 2001)
"It may seem strange, but there is great comfort in fatalism. If you are hopelessly trapped, there is no need to strive and nothing is ever your fault."

Have you met people like that? I have. In fact, I may have been one for a while.

Catblogging
I've put Spooky & Lucille on a diet. They're not amused.

"If theres not honesty theres nothing"
Among the Brooklyn Hillbilly's many online diversions is perusing personal ads from certain towns. I cannot tell you exactly where this one originated (the Brooklyn Hillbilly e-mailed it to me), but I can tell you that the Brooklyn Hillbilly is purely smitten.

hi im single divored mother looking for that special someone to treat me like a queen im faithfull loving carin and honest honesty is the best way to be if theres not honesty theres nothing so i like reading cuddling watching movie and long drives in the country and long walks in the park.

Leave her the hell alone, Jay says
Well, he puts it slightly more eloquently (except for the last paragraph I've pasted here -- a PR person somewhere is smacking his/her head about that one).

Rockefeller pushes for privacy for Lynch
Here's how Sen. Rockefeller is quoted in the AP article out of Beckley:
"I have a very strong opinion about Jessica, and my opinion about Jessica is that Jessica needs to be left alone,'' Rockefeller said Monday.
"I don't think we need to be holding celebrations,'' Rockefeller said. "I think we need to be letting her heal, find her own peace, find her own space and get herself together.''

Wha --- leave her alone? Huh? I don't comprehend. HEAL? Damn, sometimes I really like that "feller."

And then this on not visiting Pfc. Lynch: "And it's never occurred to me to want to see Jessica,'' Rockefeller said. "I want to see Jessica, but I don't want to see Jessica because I don't want Jessica to make one single iota of effort that she doesn't need to make.''

The bell tolls for thee
It takes a special kind of thief to steal a giant bell from a church.
Daily Mail: "Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church of South Charleston are wondering for whom the bell tolls. The question stems from the recent theft of a mammoth bell housed in the church's rear parking lot...Police said a possible motive for the heist would be to sell the bell for scrap metal. "
If you've seen this bell, do not -- I repeat, do NOT -- buy it for scrap metal.

Speaking of bold criminals, here's one who stole a car right after he was released from jail:

Man allegedly steals car right after being freed from jail
CHARLESTON (AP) -- A former used appliance dealer who has been in trouble for more than a decade for selling bogus appliances now stands accused of stealing a car.
The Jeep was taken from the parking lot of a South Charleston Wal-Mart just 30 minutes after 43-year-old Don Mullins was released from jail.
According to police, Mullins was stopped for speeding a couple of hours after the Jeep was stolen.

WV quarter update
In case you've been losing sleep wondering about the WV quarter, here's where you can check on the progress. Sounds like the top five designs will be unveiled on West Virginia Day (June 20).

Fiddling while Rome burns -- Summer Edition
Hmmm, what's that I hear faintly in the distance? Oh yes -- fiddling while Rome burns!

This headline crossed the AP wire today:
Lawmakers concerned about lack of cell phone service in some areas

Beckley -- Lawmakers are concerned about the lack of cell phone service in some parts of West Virginia -- including sections along the West Virginia Turnpike where motorists cannot call for help in emergencies.
Delegate Richard Browning says if he uses his cell phone to call 9-1-1 near his Wyoming County home, nobody answers.

See, Del. Browning, that's the way it's supposed to work. We can't have a pesky 9-1-1 system interfering with the inbred cannibalistic mountain men (of "Wrong Turn") going about their business.

Fayette County Senator Shirley Love says the Legislature should find a way to expand cell phone service to eliminate "dead zones" where coverage is now impossible.

This would greatly help the national reporters who swarm to Elizabeth to cover the JL return. It would be much more convenient, you see, if these kind souls could sit out in the privacy of their rental cars to phone in stories about the "backwoods" "hardscrabble" environment, rather than, say, walking in a gas station and using a pay phone where -- gasp -- they might have to talk to the inhabitants of the town they will soon be portraying to the world.

Then I turn on the news (WBOY -- Clarksburg) and the sports guy says WVU's athletic director will be heading to Charleston tomorrow to "answer to legislators" about the school's decision to drop five sports. (It's worth noting, I suppose, that the WVU athletic department is self-supporting.)

Let's hope the special session that's been called for tomorrow, starting at 5 p.m., will deal with more substantial issues.

Lewis & Clark and WV
This dork has actually read the diary of the Lewis & Clark expedition, but apparently it didn't include Lewis' initial stop in Harper's Ferry, or, perhaps, like so many things, I've just forgotten it. So I was surprised when I found this article in USA Today that makes mention of WV's role, albeit minuscule, in the Lewis & Clark story.

In early 1803, Lewis came to Harper's Ferry, in what is now West Virginia, to pick up key provisions for the journey...."Like everyone else, we are trying to capitalize" on the surge of interest in the 8,000-mile journey, O'Leary says. So in late March, West Virginia officials presided over a ceremony to open a permanent Lewis exhibit in Harper's Ferry. In the fall, the state will commemorate the explorer's departure to join Clark.

I get a lot of spam. I don't read it, but I do have to scan the subject lines to separate the spam from the very few REAL e-mails I get. Something about this one struck me as odd:

Randy Get_Diazepam_-_No_Prescription_Needed_-_atheist

After you've visited the cow sanctuary, be sure to get your picture taken with this monstrosity
Good grief, yet another fascinating northern panhandle vacation destination -- that's two crossing the AP wire in less than 24 hours. Today's AP story is about The World's Largest Teapot, now located in Chester, WV. I can't locate a permalinkable version of the article, so here's the website for the teapot to learn more.

Backyardbrawlers Unite
Finally, something the Mountaineers and the Pitt Panthers agree on.

Perhaps the luckiest cows in WV
Buried in an AP story about cow sanctuaries created by Hindus (and some non-Hindus) living in the U.S., I found the following paragraphs about one such sanctuary in WV:

In Moundsville, W.Va., 24 cows are protected on a 160-acre farm run by William Dove, also known as Balabhadra das. He incorporated the farm as the International Society for Cow Protection.
"Many of my neighbors are cattle ranchers, but we're all friends,'' Dove said. "They have their lifestyle and we have our lifestyle.''
Dove bought his farm from the New Vrindaban Community, a nearby religious center with more than 100 cows.

A note to all of you planning vacations in the WV northern panhandle: After a quick visit to the New Vrindaban website I've learned that the New Vrindaban guest house and cabins are now open.

And there was much rejoicing across the Mountain State

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Senate voted Thursday to give some low-income families a check worth up to $400 for each of their children, as Republicans buckled under demands from Democrats to make more low-wage workers eligible for an increased child tax credit.

On the word hillbilly
From the name of this blog, you might think that I've heard and used the word "hillbilly" ad nauseum. That's not the case at all. So, I was surprised to see it used so frequently in John O'Brien's At Home in the Heart of Appalachia. He writes about how the hillbilly image was created, living with the stigma of being a hillbilly, and he quotes WV residents who use the word "hillbilly" (and, of course, there's the statement I blogged about on May 30). Maybe the difference is geographical or generational, but when I was growing up it wasn't the word "hillbilly" we used, but "redneck" and "hick." Usually we said these things in self-deprecating ways or in describing the actions of others. The words we used may have been different, but the idea was the same.

Here's a sample of what O'Brien has to say on the topic:

*(p. 298-299, hardback edition) In Appalachia, virtually everyone is affected by the hillbilly stereotype, though not in the same way or to the same degree. Some people bristle with anger and are quick to take offense even when none is offered. In a variation of black Americans "cut'n shines for whitey," I have met West Virginians who act out the hillbilly stereotype in broad caricature. Remarkably enough, others shrug the stereotype aside and go on with their lives as if it did not exist. Most "Appalachians" have lived with the identity so long it has become an unconscious part of their personality.

My feelings about being a West Virginian have changed drastically in the past 10 years. I suppose it varies day to day, but generally I'm much more comfortable telling outsiders exactly where I'm from. In college, however, it was different -- keep in mind I went to college in West Virginia. I recall being so pleased when someone would say, "Oh, you're from West Virginia? I didn't realize that." So pleased, I guess, that I didn't have the word HICK stamped on my forehead, because I was horribly self-conscious around those kids from the northeast, whom I presumed were far more sophisticated just because of the longitude and latitude of their hometowns. Some of them added, "I thought you were from Pennsylvania." This, I thought, must be a high compliment because so many of the out-of-state students hailed from PA -- they think I'm one of them! Of course, I have no idea what on earth might have led them to believe I was from Pennsylvania. What was it about me, I wonder, that smacked of Pennsylvania? What exactly does a Pennsylvanian look and sound like? Who knows. Now it all seems ridiculous and unimportant.

I find it interesting that residents of the Falkland Islands are called by the same derogatory names as West Virginians and other Appalachians. In case you failed geography, the Falklands ain't nowhere near Appalachia. (Oh, OK, I admit I had to look at a map the first time James from the Falklands wrote.) James says he and his countrymen/women share the hillbilly and redneck nicknames. Somehow it's comforting to me that small-town folks all over the world share in our pain ;-). Falklands residents have another name, too – bennys - which James says means the same thing as "rednecks." "It was given to us by military guys who were posted here and didn't enjoy being so far from home, so they were pretty resentful of us locals as we were the main reason they saw for their being here," he writes. Like I've incorporated the word hillbilly in the name of my blog, James uses the word benny in his e-mail address, and he says Falklands natives have adopted the name "bennys" and are quite proud of it.

*The book is available online from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and from the WV bookseller Trans Allegheny Books located in Parkersburg. And no, I don't know the author, and I'm not getting a cut of the proceeds.

What is it with capturing WV soldiers??
It seems the soldiers captured, interrogated and later released by Iranians were from the WV Army National Guard's 1092nd Engineering Battalion headquartered in Parkersburg.

Sopping Wet Hillbilly
It's raining yet again in the Mountain State. My perennials (a.k.a. perinals) are drowning. My hair is frizzy and poodle-like. My basement -- oh, I don't even want to think about it. Thank goodness someone nearby is building an ark.

And he'd like the director's cut on DVD, too
A Congressman from our neighboring state, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), "called on the Defense Department on Tuesday to release the unedited footage of the rescue of Pfc. Jessica Lynch from an Iraqi hospital and to answer questions about her injuries."

Single, 10-year-old female seeks male for romance, long walks by the Little Kanawha, more
The Brooklyn Hillbilly phoned today. His overalls (or "over-hauls" as some pronounce the word) were in a twist because he'd just read a recent edition of our hometown paper, in which the following notice appeared. I'll print exactly what the Brooklyn Hillbilly e-mailed me, with the name of our home area deleted:

______ Fair is looking for contestants for its Junior Miss Contest. Any unmarried girl ages of 10-14 years of age, single, never married and never borne children (abortions and miscarrieages included), is eligible to enter, providing she is a resident of _________ or attentding _________ Schools or continues to make formal residence in _______________.

Now, typos aside (I don't know if those are from the paper or from the Brooklyn Hillbilly), do you find anything odd about that? The Brooklyn Hillbilly was most appalled that the girls' privacy would be invaded in such a manner. He was also curious as to how claims of never having "borne" children would be investigated, perhaps wishing to volunteer himself for that duty. I, on the other hand, am most appalled that this would be an issue in the general population of 10-14 year olds.

On a COMPLETELY UNRELATED topic, the Brooklyn Hillbilly and I agree, in response to the Surber column I linked to Friday, that surely there were steamier e-mails, but those were exchanged between the "SexyClogger" and "SwissHottie" hotmail accounts.

Digesting the budget digest
The Herald-Dispatch has a PDF of the state budget lottery digest available online, so I glanced through some of the 235 riveting pages. I find the fairs and festivals funding extremely interesting. There are some festivals I've never even heard of that are getting big chunks of money (I don't claim, however, to be a fairs & festival aficionado), such as the Coal Field Jamboree in Logan ($35,000) and the West Virginia Junior Angus Assoc.-Eastern Reg. Show ($20,000). If you're wondering where to spend your 4th of July, I seriously recommend Petersburg, 'cause they're getting $20,000 to fund their Fourth of July Celebration. Ripley's 4th of July Festival gets $15,000, and the Pine Grove 4th of July Festival in Wetzel County gets only $5,000. Sorry, Wetzel County, but you are getting $6,000 for your Town and Country Days. If it makes you feel any better, Wetzel residents, neighboring Tyler County is getting a paltry $500 for its 4th of July festivities.

More Daily Mail columnists weigh in on "Wrong Turn"
Brad McElhinny: Lost teens may even like it here
Dave Peyton: West Virginians are easy to trash (not a permalink)
Here's my fav line from Dave Peyton's: "Thus, it's only natural for movie producers and Jay Leno to choose West Virginia to trash. It's the last place on earth where it's politically correct to enfeeble with fabrications."
Chris from DE says he went to see the movie this weekend and it was really bad. He said he was probably the only one in the theater rooting for the "inbred mountain men."

Some other stuff from the Daily Mail re: the POW rescue hoopla
Today's editorial: Going in armed to the teeth is not Hollywood; it is prudent

Darn it -- I was going through some old copies of the Daily Mail today and found this Dave Peyton column that I totally missed last week. Peyton writes much more eloquently what I've been trying to say: "Instead of sitting in her home county and bemoaning the fact she lived in one of the poorest counties in one of the poorest states, she decided to take control of her own destiny. And in doing so, she grabbed a piece of the American dream."