Mid-holiday report
One holiday down, one more to go. My Christmas was nice. I managed to collect enough gifts in time for all of the festivities. The weather was cooperative, compared to what our neighbors had to endure (or enjoy, if you're into a severely white Christmas). The storm came to us in the form of rain, so the only white part of Christmas was seeing the cars drive in from Ohio with heaps of snow on the top.

I got to visit with the Brooklyn Hillbilly briefly during his whirlwind tour of the Mountain State. He did manage to "get a deer" during his stay, but unfortunately he "got" it while driving a borrowed vehicle.

My next holiday adventure will start with a 16-hour bus trip, so my mood on New Year's will be greatly dependent on whether or not I make all four transfers necessary to get to my destination. It's been over a decade since I traveled by bus, and I admit I'm a little nervous. On that particular trip, I missed a connection in Hagerstown, MD, which meant I had to wait until the next day for the next bus to come through headed back to WV. It was not a big deal at the time, since I was staying with a friend, but if I get stranded for an entire day somewhere where I don't know anyone (at a McDonald's along I-81, for example, the site of one of my transfers), I will not be pleased. In the event that I have to spend a great deal of quality time at the aforementioned McDonald's, I'm packing a notebook so I can record all of my innermost thoughts and bore you with them later.

From the Scared-the-Crap-Out-of-Me File
I had to go to my house today during lunch to pick up some things. As I walked up the steps to the back door, 5 or 6 large ring-necked pheasants flapped their way out of my rhododendron. It's not an overly large rhododendron, so they must have been quite cozy under there.

Blogging will cease for the holiday, which is Christmas in my case. CHRISTMAS. CHRISTMAS. I celebrate CHRISTMAS. (I hope that didn't offended anyone.)

Whatever it is you celebrate at this time of year - be it the solstice, New Year's, Christmas, opening of the ski slopes, etc. - I hope you enjoy yourself.

Sad end to the case of the missing granddaughter
Her body was found yesterday in Putnam County. The Daily Mail's story has more about her life since her grandfather won the Powerball jackpot.

OK, 'fess up - who in the northern panhandle asked Santa for a plane-load of drugs?
A small plane crashed in the northern panhandle, and the pilot and crew or passengers are missing. What was recovered was a "large amount" of illegal drugs.

It's that time of year again
I was telling the Brooklyn Hillbilly earlier today some of the things I love about the holidays: awkward social situations, snow, ice, crowded stores, etc.

It's at about this point of the holiday season that I become truly desperate in my gift shopping. For some on my list, especially the elderly, I have to resort to old stand-bys. Really, I ask you, just what does an 80-year-old want or need for Christmas? What I think would make these individuals most happy would be if I spontaneously reproduced and added to the collection of children in the family, but that isn't happening any time soon, so I'm left to decide between gift items like a jar of peanuts and slippers with no-skid soles. "Hello, here I am the loser childless single-person with your elegantly-wrapped jar of Planter's dry roasted peanuts - Merry Christmas!" Oh, they will be most pleased.

Seriously, though, what do you buy for the aged?

The BH & I were discussing this awhile back and came up with a few options:

Chocolate-covered cherries - I've only met one person (now deceased) who actually liked chocolate-covered cherries, but if the elderly person on your shopping list happens to be among those who do, then you're in luck. They're dirt cheap and readily available, and, frankly, the elderly probably expect to get at least one box of them per Christmas. Just make sure your box is opened before all the others they receive from your siblings.

Slippers - As you know, (stereotypical) old people spend most of the day puttering around the house in comfortable clothes, watching Regis and such, and the perfect pair of slippers is just what they need. For those daring, ready-to-try-new-things elderly people on your list, consider slipper socks.

Peanuts - Why is this a traditional gift for the elderly? The older people in my family actually give jars of peanuts to each other. "Merry Christmas, Maude, here's you a jar of nuts. Why - you got me one, too?! What a surprise!"

Postage stamps - I confess I once gave stamps as a gift to someone who couldn't leave the house. I've seen others do nice gift baskets filled with postage stamps, pens, and greeting cards for various occasions (it's tacky, however, if you use the greeting cards you get in the mail free from the Disabled American Veterans).

Fruit baskets - I don't mind fruit baskets myself, but it always seems that the ones I have helped devour have fruit that tastes almost as plastic as it looks.

Gigantic small-trash-can-size can of popcorn -- with a triple divider inside separating cheese popcorn, caramel popcorn, and regular - The BH suggested this one, noting that an elderly person could eat on such a container of popcorn for months.

Hand cream/lotion - Ack, I'm 31 and my skin is already drying out rapidly. I will look like a komodo dragon by the time I'm 80. If you have a komodo dragon on your shopping list, consider a nice vat of skin moisturizer. Keep in mind whatever scent you choose will have to be endured by everyone else at church, so keep it subtle or unscented, please.

Phone cards (do not tell the old person it is a calling card, because this once meant something entirely different) - If your elderly relative is technologically savvy (i.e. is open to dialing a PIN number plus an 800 number every time they call long distance), then this is a nice gift. It's a decent gift for anyone -- not knock-your-socks-off thrilling, but very useful and no doubt appreciated down the road when all of those holiday bills start rolling in.

Newspaper or magazine subscription - Daily newspaper subscriptions are quite pricey, but you could do part of a year, or a subscription to a weekly paper. The older people I know really enjoy getting their newspapers and magazines. Subscriptions, of course, present you with the dilemma of needing something to wrap. In that case, purchase the aforementioned box of chocolate-covered cherries for 98 cents and present that with a gift card for the subscription.

Restaurant Gift Certificates - Of course, consider location and whether the person can actually get to the restaurant. For someone homebound, a cool gift would be a certificate for a place that delivers.

Telephone with giant-sized number buttons - These make it easier to dial 9-1-1 without putting on the glasses, or when the "arthur-ritis" is acting up.

Yikes
Before you go buy Powerball tickets for everyone on your Christmas list, take a look at the latest photo of Mr. Powerball. That's what fame and fortune will do to you. Kind of makes me thankful to have to scrounge together loose change to pay my insurance bill.

(9 p.m. update) Elsewhere in the Powerball family, granddaughter Brandi is missing. Tonight on the local TV news they described her tattoos so viewers could help locate the missing girl. Among the tattoos mentioned was, I swear to you, a dollar sign.

(Dec. 16 update - hat tip to Diane) Mr. Powerball made the "Daily Dish" in the NY Daily News yesterday.

Mr. Powerball headed to rehab
And he gets his driver's license back when he completes the program.

Pathetic
Local gasoline prices have dropped from $1.93 per gallon to $1.77, and Kroger has all varieties of apples on sale this week for 99 cents per pound. These two things make me purely giddy.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is pathetic.

Metronews played humorous version of "Back Jack - Do It Again" in honor of Mr. Powerball this morning during Hoppy's show. LOL. Wish I could find it somewhere online. Anyway, anyone care to wager on what his next criminal charge will be? Shoplifting. That would be so absurd I can almost see it happening.

Mr. Powerball in the news again
This time he's been charged with DUI and carrying a concealed weapon without a license. This was, of course, on the national news, too - heard it on the radio during my drive to work this morning.

Happy hillbilly Thanksgiving
Blogging will cease until next week. Yeah, yeah, I know it's been intermittent of late, at best. Anyway, I shall travel to the homeland for the rest of the week.

Remember, if you're traveling through the Mountain State this week, the polite thing to ask the natives is, "Did jya get a deer?"

Another invite for the hardscrabble reunion
The Brooklyn Hillbilly notified me that today's New York Daily News states that Ron Artest grew up in a "hardscrabble housing project." The BH observes, "It seems like 'hardscrabble' if more likely to be slapped on
a place where someone 'grows up' - more often than 'where people live'."

A few random notes

Hillbilly turkeys pardoned by president
These two guys are undoubtedly the luckiest turkeys in Hardy County.

Jon Stewart uses the "h" word
The Brooklyn Hillbilly phoned me at midday to inform me that last night Jon Stewart uttered the word "hardscrabble" during his show last night. The BH was unable to recall exactly the context in which it was used.

*NOTE: Dave informed me that Stewart's utterance of hardscrabble was in reference to the Pres. Bush's description of Condoleezza Rice's upbringing.

The 'Hardscrabble' Craze That's Sweeping the Nation
Jim writes that this blog "unduly influenced" the use of "hardscrabble" in this story. Color me flattered! Perhaps it shall be my life's work to spread the word hardscrabble throughout the world.

For you fans of “hardscrabble,” the word dates back to at least 1804 in the Lewis & Clark Journals (“Got on our way at hard Scrable Perarie.”), according to the Oxford English Dictionary. It also appears in Moby Dick (1851).

The OED, which writes it “hard scrabble,” offers two possible meanings: “A place thought of as the acme of barrenness where a livelihood may be obtained only with great difficulty. Also attrib. Often as a proper name.” and “A vigorous effort made under great stress.”

Acme of barrenness! That’s my new favorite phrase.

“Gee, Brooklyn Hillbilly, your apartment is the acme of barrenness.”
“I’ve planted some daffodils here in front of the house, but the backyard is still the acme of barrenness.”

I encourage you to use hardscrabble as much as possible, and if that starts sounding dull - move on to acme of barrenness.

"There are scams, and then there are WV scams!" (as Jerry said when he e-mailed this to me)
Soooo, a man pretended he was retarded (OMG, the story says "retarded" - is that word even allowed any more??) so he (allegedly) could grope the home health nurses hired to care for him. Good grief.

UPDATE: Nov. 11, 8:38 p.m. - Gag - more on Diaper Guy.

WV school for sale on Ebay
As of 3 p.m. today, the current bid for the Bluefield school was $30,100. You have 16 more days to place your bid.

Spooky's new favorite sleeping spot



Of course, I could remedy the situation by simply taking the clothes out of the suitcase and putting it back in the basement, but oh no, that would be too easy.

School board upholds ban on Juicy skirts
No more hillbilly teens dressed in "Juicy" skirts at one state school, thanks to a decision by the school board (yes, this story has been broadcast nationwide via AP). I think this ban should be extended to ALL clothing with words across the arse, if for no other reason than because it's not at all slimming.

Irritated Hillbilly Lawn Blogging
As you know, I regularly mow my lawn. It’s genetic; I come from a long line of conscientious lawn tenders.

For the last several months, the neighborhood has had some, shall we say, “issues” with my next-door neighbor. The last time this individual mowed the grass was in August, and it was at that time s/he mowed some random stripes and letters or shapes into the back yard. Since then it’s been growing – and growing, and growing.

On Tuesday, I was doing some work outside my house and one of the neighbors stopped by to discuss the unsightly property next door, which has now been vacant for at least a couple of weeks. The neighbor told me s/he was going to contact the city and see what could be done about it. We talked for a while about the gradual decline of the property and agreed that we hoped the owner would clean it up soon.

So, imagine my surprise yesterday when I got home and found a notice that I had a certified letter from the city waiting for me at the post office. I almost knew what it was going to be, and that caused me to stew all night.

I got up early and arrived at the post office shortly after 9 a.m., which was the earliest I could pick up the letter.

You guessed it. The letter informed me that I had high grass and weeds growing in my yard and was, therefore, in violation of city code. I had 10 days (from yesterday) to correct the matter, the letter said.

I was so irate that I drove home and immediately typed a letter of appeal, explaining that the property they were looking for was the house next door. I gave the house number and told the story about the lawn not being mowed since August and the trash sitting out at the curb rotting for the past six weeks or so (and now bits and pieces are blowing into my yard). Since I wanted to get the matter resolved as quickly as possible, I hopped in the car and returned to the post office and paid over $4 to send the letter certified mail right back to the city. My fear was they would drive by in 10 days and see the grass still high and ugly and fine me. I couldn’t imagine that the grass would be cut, as I’d not seen a soul over there in weeks. After all, it’d been growing, untouched, since August.

I arrived home from work tonight at about 5 p.m. and heard the sound of a lawn mower. Yep, the out-of-town property owners had arrived and were mowing the jungle of a back yard, meaning that it is now slightly shorter than MY yard. GAH!

So now what? The letter is on the way to the code enforcement guy, who will probably drive by and see a perfectly mowed yard next door and either think a) I’m insane or b) I deserve a citation for having my yard slightly shorter than the other yard. To avoid the latter, I’m going to mow the bloody back yard again tomorrow, which means the code dude will just think I’m crazy. Either way, I’m out over $4 and have to mow my back yard AGAIN, not to mention the worry (I am an expert worrier).

Of course, the other option is that the code enforcement officer has mistaken my two medium-sized clumps of ornamental grass for weeds.

Gah – either way, it is just my luck that after three months, the property owners show up on the very day I send a letter to the city.

New Martinsville eateries make New York Times
OK, I confess - I heard about this one on TV tonight. This NY Times writer, who spends part of her time in the New Martinsville area, writes a comparison of two of the area's eateries - the local Bob Evans and a local restaurant - and offers observations about the customers who frequent each establishment.

As someone who's been to Bob Evans far more than I care to remember, I know the Bob Evans mind-set. But there are times when it's a good thing, like when I'm traveling and I'm in the mood for a biscuit in the middle of the afternoon - then I know right where to pull off the interstate. And I know the biscuit I get who-knows-where along I-81 is going to taste just like the ones I've had along I-77 in Parkersburg. Yes, I admit, there's something comforting about that. Hello, my name is S, and I eat at Bob Evans. I need a 12-step program.

The day after
Besides the complete lack of drama in the governor's race, there were some huge surprises in yesterday's election -- surprises to me, anyway.

First, Mezzatesta was voted out of the House of Delegates by the good people of Hampshire County.

Second, for the first time in my admittedly short memory, a McGraw lost an election. The other McGraw won a tight race for Attorney General. I refuse to admit how old I was before I realized there were TWO McGraws involved in WV politics.

Ken Hechler also lost in yet another bid to be Secretary of State -- has that happened before? Had I been tempted to vote for him, I would have changed my mind quickly when he unveiled a hideous campaign ad consisting of a slow, purely awful "Ken again" song. LOL, I love this quote from Ireland: "If I do the job, you're not going to see me gallivanting around the state handing out pens and pins and proclamations." In other words, she intends to break from longtime Secretary of State tradition, and I think that's just grand.

Election results
Starting very soon, info will begin being posted on Metronews' site, including the results of their exit polling conducted earlier today. You can also tune in to the Metronews broadcast through the Web site.

*UPDATE* - 7:40 p.m. and Metronews is projecting Joe has won the gubernatorial race. He hasn't even made it to the celebration location yet. (LOL) Also, CNN, FoxNews and others are projecting, based on exit polls, that Bush has won WV's five electoral votes (of course, whether he gets Richie Robb's vote will remain to be seen).

Disenfranchisement Election Day - Nov. 2, 2004
Oh, can't you just smell the "disenfranchisement" in the air? All of those votes being "suppressed"?

Whatever.

According to Gov. Wise, during his appearance on Neil Cavuto's show this afternoon, 12 percent of West Virginians voted during the early voting period. Wise also told Cavuto that it was a dead heat in the presidential race in WV. When Cavuto pointed out that WV's unemployment had fallen about one percent since the last presidential election, Wise countered by saying yes, but those aren't the same jobs and WV, like many other states, has lost better-paying manufacturing jobs.

A few WV election day headlines:

*A Daily Mail columnist makes some election predictions.

*Voting reportedly "heavy"; voters in Williamstown had to vote by flashlight for the first few hours due to a power outage.

*Speaking of Williamstown...During a visit to the Wood County town yesterday, Sen. Jay told the crowd that he trusted John Kerry and called him an "honest" and "brilliant" person. He, RCB & our old friend Gaston were out doing election eve politicking around the state.

*In an informal poll conducted by Parkersburg area barbers, the margin of the presidential race is "razor thin".

Dead pollsters needed to survey dead voters
Don't pay any attention to the crazy political polls. Not only do they not take into account the cell-phone-only generation, but they also completely leave out one important segment of voters - the dead. I received an automated election polling call last night just before 9 p.m. It quizzed me on topics ranging from the war in Iraq to the NRA.

BTW, WV blogger Dave has posted his "interview" ;) with the Bush & Cheney. Perhaps this will start a trend and Michelle will be able to land an interview with her favorite candidate (Monty).

Swing Stating
WV has made the UK press yet again. And more here on the state's now famous elector ("Could the mayor of a small West Virginia city make all the difference?").

And this one's title, all the way from Australia, will make your blood boil; seems to me the headline is the worst, though. Headline - "Trailer trash: fightin' mad, want Dubya." I was "fightin' mad" myself when I read "trailer trash," but when you read the story you find that they've plucked something out of a an author's quote to make a sensational headline. Grrrrrr. Trailer trash. I'm suppressing all of the nasty things I'm thinking about kangaroos and koalas.

Today I received two pieces of mail from a union - of which I'm NOT a member - asking me to vote for Kerry. It's at least the fourth or fifth such mailing I've received from that group.

On the state level, be sure to ask Michelle what she thinks of Monty. (LOL)

Bird blogging (which one should never do in close proximity to cat blogging)
I saw my first "snowbird" (a.k.a. dark-eyed junco) tonight under my bird buffet post, from which hangs a platform feeder, a thistle-seed feeder (largely ignored by my birds), a brand new suet log (made by my dad), a small feeder I use for black oil sunflower seeds only, and another new suet feeder my dad made (block of wood with holes drilled in it). The tufted titmice and white-breasted nuthatches are regular visitors to the suet log, but they've yet to try the new suet feeder (link provided to prove to Brooklyn Hillbilly that I'm referring to a bird, instead of a cheap WV girlie bar - No, BH, "The Tufted Titmice" is not a bar along I-77).

Utter randomness
Only a week till the election - when we find out which way WV is going to swing - and I'm feeling cranky, as usual.

There are significantly more weighty issues to think about this week, but what's really pissing me off of late is the driving of people who treat narrow two-way streets (with cars parked on one side) as one-way streets, steering their cars way the heck over to the side of the street opposite the parked cars, even if that's not "their" side of the street. What - are those cars explosive devices or something? Will they detonate if you get your mini-van too close to it?? That's what they seem to think. The effect is that a perfectly usable two-way street becomes a frustrating traffic nightmare.

Meanwhile, the fight is on to get a plaque of the ten commandments removed from the Clay County Commission chamber. I don't really care whether the Christian version of the ten commandments, or Judaism's version, or anyone else's version, is posted in the Clay County, a Certified Hardscrabble Location (I'm working on getting the signs printed up to pass out to locales in central WV). I'm guessing there are probably far more critical issues that the Clay County Commission could be contemplating. The Brooklyn Hillbilly, of course, disagrees with me on this.

Oh yes, and one more thing, if I hear another politician utter the phrase "clean coal technology," I'm going to scream. I've never heard the phrase as much as I've heard it in the past couple of weeks; both parties are tossing it around the phrase as if it makes perfect sense. Yes, I am well-aware that there's technology referred to as "clean coal technology," but I think it's rather amusing that anyone can utter the phrase and keep a straight face, as if there is truly a clean way to do anything with coal, including extract it from the WV hills.

More on the Glenville robbery added to yesterday's post below...
The Brooklyn Hillbilly spent several quality years of his life in Glenville, so I'm hoping he will weigh in soon on the selection of Foodland for an armed robbery.

Squirrel season and voting
No story about West Virginia and its electoral tendencies is complete without a mention of squirrel season (and guns, guns, guns and more guns). Sadly, no use of "hardscrabble" in this story.

A hot time in Glenville See "Foodland Clerks Robbed at Gunpoint" listed under Oct. 18 - hat tip to Diane
The Hur Herald has an account of the excitement in Glenville during homecoming weekend at GSC. Hard-core Mountaineer football fans will recognize the names of those allegedly involved in the robbery of the Glenville Foodland (note: I think the 25-year-old is no longer a member of the team, according to my memory, Diane's Googling, and a quick check of the online student directory). From the NFL to robbing the Glenville Foodland - oh, the twists and turns one encounters in life, much like the twists and turns of Route 5 that likely helped authorities catch the two.

Tuesday update
Understandably, the state media have been having a field day with this story all day (e.g. here). The news already has also traveled to publications in Seattle, Las Vegas, Indianapolis, etc. The capture of the two will likely make some sort of "stupid criminal" compilation. It seems that after crashing the vehicle in the woods along Route 5, several hours later Garvin emerged from the woods and, in his attempts to get a ride, flagged down the crime scene investigation vehicle (one broadcaster described it as an unmarked SUV, but still).

The more I think about this story, the more I have to believe they were high. Isn't the first thing they teach in robbery school the art of a successful get-away? Who robs a grocery store in Glenville, where the nearest interstate is miles and miles away, over a curvy section of Route 5? You could get behind a logging truck or someone on their way to church! Good grief.

He shall clog again (and various other news tidbits)
Oh, thank goodness - the governor will be able to clog again after his knee surgery, but perhaps not in time for Joe's inauguration. Oh, wait, we haven't had that election yet. That's right. Sorry.

In other political news, the Cheneys will be visiting Charleston on Monday and have chosen to partake in a favorite West Virginia pasttime - eating.

Meanwhile, on an unrelated topic, here's some more on the alarming story of the transgendered bass in the Potomac River. They're producing eggs, those crazy male bass. Unsubstantiated rumors also report the bass have taken up shopping, cross-stitch, and scrapbooking, and have shown a preference for lures made in trendy color schemes. Researchers blame pollution, but they're not entirely sure which kind of pollution.

Unofficial presidential polling data
My unofficial, purely imaginary polling data has 75% of border collies polled preferring Bush (citing his spacious ranchland in Texas), while 80% of retrievers chose Kerry, based on his love of water sports. So, if the election were held today, and only dogs were voting -- well, I would feel almost as good about the election as I do the actual one on Nov. 2.

Mail bag
Dave Ryan, formerly of The Braxtonian, has a new blog, Ramblings of a College Freshman. It was good to hear from Dave, who is attending a university in West Virginia and resides just over the hill from my money pit domicile. I've added his blog to my WV blogroll.

"...the going rate for a vote these days is $15 or a pint of whisky" (link received from Jerry)
Delightful. A state for rent. Now we can officially say we're internationally known for our - er, um - unique voting traditions (as this is written by the BBC's Washington correspondent). It's hard for me to imagine these things going on because what I've experienced as a life-long resident of the state (in two counties) is so very far from the scenarios described in the article. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. Oh no. I can imagine it, unfortunately.

Anyway, I did go vote today, and I received nary a dollar or a pint of whisky. Sigh. Seriously, though, it was my first time voting with a touch-screen machine, and I have to admit I found it a little disconcerting not to have a piece of paper to shove into a big box after I was done making my selections. I have voted in one of the state's smallest counties and, most recently, in one of the state's largest counties, and until today I've always used paper ballots.

The early birds
I did not wait in line to cast my vote this morning, nor did I even make it to the courthouse on my lunch hour, but I'm planning to go before the end of the week. So, after that time, the candidates can announce their intentions to invade Canada and I can do nothing to change my vote. On the other hand, if I meet an untimely death between now and Nov. 2, my ballot still counts. In a last ditch effort to sway my vote, the Brooklyn Hillbilly sent me a couple of URLs along these lines. If any candidate could deliver to me a flu shot - I mean the actual injection, not just a promise - that might influence my voting (so, if you're reading John & George, just let me know when the syringe is ready).

The BH also explained to me that the Joe for Governor signs that say "Help is on the Way" are likely take-offs from the Kerry campaign slogan, not direct slams at Joe's democrat buddy Bobby W. who's been running the state for the last four years. I had previously expressed to the BH my surprise at the Joe for Gov. signs, unable to believe they were suggesting the state had not been "helped" for the last four years. Thankfully, I have the BH to educate me on the ways of democratic politicians.

Tonight, West Virginians interested in both the presidential race and the Mountaineer football team will be torn between watching the football game vs. Connecticut and the last of the three debates. With any luck, the game will be out of control (in WV favor, preferably) by the time the debate comes on, but if not I intend to flip between the two and hopelessly confuse myself as the football-speak bleeds into the politician-speak.

"Plan B"
In this case, plan B seems to mean, "We ain't got no money." So, I guess it wasn't just me, and my friendly letters from Monty have not been intercepted.

BTW, the early voting period begins Oct. 13 and runs through Oct. 30. I will be casting my ballot as soon as humanly possible.

UPDATE: Oct. 13 is also the last day to register to vote in West Virginia. That means if you register to vote on Oct. 13, you can register and vote all in the same day!

Here's a little something for the Brooklyn Hillbilly
Today I saw the following headline in an ad in the local buy-sell-trade publication:
TUBS OF LOOSE BARBIE DOLLS

I always suspected those dolls were a little trashy.

'A (temporary) good thing' for the Alderson economy
The "Martha goes to jail" media blitz is on in Alderson.

Next it'll be feline braces
I took the furballs in for their annual exams and vaccinations today. It seems they both need to have their teeth cleaned. I'm not opposed to kitty dental care, except that it's gonna cost me around $150, if I'm lucky. The older cat may require blood work that'll jack up the price even more. Ironically, I'm going in to get my own teeth cleaned next week, and the cost will be about half that (of course, I don't get the pleasure of anesthesia, like my cats will). So it looks like my Christmas gift to myself will be the joy of seeing my cats strutting around with gleaming white teeth, which they will later use to attack my feet as I try to sleep.

Forget corn mazes - how about having the kiddies sell lingerie?
(hat tip to Jerry, who is all over everything involving lingerie - just kidding ;)

So, it seems the children at an elementary school in Kanawha County are being asked to sell items from an Avon catalog for a school fund-raiser, and a parent is upset about the suggestive poses and the lingerie in the catalog. See exhibit A to get an idea.

As an aside, I sometimes see students heading to their college classes wearing little more than this (sometimes less), but I don't really see how it's appropriate for kids to be selling it. I mean, what about gift wrap, popcorn, frozen pizzas, and low-quality greeting cards? That's what kids are supposed to sell.

Two hillbillies walk into a corn maze...
Eh, no punchline, as we managed to make it out of our very first corn maze. In fact, we were so efficient in our escape, we managed to miss about half of the signs giving the answers to the 12 trivia questions we were supposed to be answering. Of course, we didn't realize that was the objective until we were done. We thought the goal was to get the heck out as quickly as possible, which we did. After a while the perfect rows of corn have a dizzying effect, so I wasn't about to go back in to collect the answers.

Overall, it was a good time, and it struck me as a good fundraiser for rural areas, especially for groups like FFA or 4-H.

Billy Joel now a hillbilly... by marriage
Proving that West Virginia girls can marry significantly older rock stars just like the rest of world's debutantes, 23-year-old Huntington native Kate Lee wed Billy Joel over the weekend at his Long Island mansion. Sadly, the Brooklyn Hillbilly's invitation got lost in the mail.

I bet this hasn't happened to Emeril
Jerry sends this link to a story appearing in the Las Vegas newspaper about a West Virginia family who got into a gunfight over the proper method to prepare skinless chicken. I'm still in shock that someone in West Virginia is eating skinless chicken. I'm also disappointed that the story did not give more details about the methods being debated. But anyway - bottom line is we're getting some more great national press.

Just in time to enjoy the fall foliage
Well, well, well - it's been an exciting week for Alderson. First the town floods (according to TV reports I saw last night, the river was supposed to crest 4 feet above flood stage in Alderson), and now they will need to prepare for a "flood" of another kind - media, media and more media. Just guessing. According to media reports, Martha Stewart will be begin serving her prison time in Alderson Oct. 8.

"Appalachian origin"
If you think you're constantly discriminated against because of your Appalachian origin, perhaps Cincinnati is the place for you to go. The Brooklyn Hillbilly sent me this link to a Snopes.com item. Scroll down to "Origins" in green text and read what the Cincinnati City Council's human rights ordinance says. According to Snopes.com, the ordinance makes it "illegal to discriminate on the basis of characteristics such as race, gender, age, religion, disability, Appalachian origin, or sexual orientation." (emphasis added)

I'm still trying to decide whether I'm offended or amused. I suppose West Virginia cities should add "non-Appalachian origin" or "fern-ness" (foreignness) to their civil rights language.

Messatesta update*
Die-hard fans of WV politics will want to read the full report on the Mezzatesta forged letter. See also related Gazette and Daily Mail stories.

Note the Godfather-like comment to the employee who was ordered to "re-create" the document - "Now, you are part of my family" - at bottom of page 1 of the Gazette article. I had to chuckle at the employee's reaction: she became "physically ill."

I enjoy reading this type of government report because the prose always amuses me. I used to read the online versions of the state grievance board decisions just for kicks. Yeah, I'm weird, but the understatement in these things is just delicious. Like when a report says something like: "Grievant's supervisor stated that grievant's work attendance was irregular." You know what was probably said was something along the lines of, "That SOB never showed up and didn't bother calling off."



*No, I didn't think up that one, but I can't recall where I first saw it.

No one loves me any more
(i.e. no one wants my vote)
Oh, how I miss the old days of the primary...when I came home each night to a mailbox full of brochures, letters, and postcards, mostly from Monty. He wrote to tell me about his family - alllllllll his extended family - and his days in the military. Did you realize he was a military man? Oh yes, he was. Little known fact.

And then when I got lonely in the evenings, I'd just turn on my TV and there would be a peppy commercial by Joe, telling me all about his childhood in northcentral West Virginia, his wife, and his family. Did you know his grandfather had a grocery store? And Joe played football? Yes indeed, I got to know him well during the primary.

Now all I have is the occasional Ken for Secretary of State commercial, which appears to my untrained eye to have been shot in someone's basement or garage.

Nary a word from my old buddies Monty and Joe. I'm so lonely.

Seriously, is there a campaign going on somewhere else and I'm just missing it? Are they focusing efforts in southern WV? I realize there are lots of vote$ in Logan County, but come on. I can't figure this out.

So, to cheer myself up I shall just go listen to some wisdom from State Supreme Court Justice Warren McGraw, courtesy of Jerry.

The Powerball curse continues
This has been in the news a while here in WV, but I'm embarrassingly late in mentioning it. Mr. Powerball is in the news again. Or, rather, his house is in the news because it just so happens a dead man was found there. And it just so happens that (allegedly) burglars broke into the house while the man was lying there dead. And...did I mention one of the burglars was a man wearing a dress (with black shoes, I hope, as it is after Labor Day)? The part about the dress doesn't seem to be online, from the Friday Gazette, but I trust Jerry on this one. Luckily, as Jerry said, the part about the dress was not picked up by the national media. No need to add cross-dressing to our hillbilly stereotype.

Now, obviously this Powerball thing is a troublesome curse for a man to endure. So, just because I'm a kind-hearted soul, I'm going to offer to take custody of his millions if he wants to "get shed" of them.

Ivan v. WV, continued
If flooding and destruction is your thing, here's a photo gallery by the Parkersburg News & Sentinel of the flooding in Marietta, Belpre and Parkersburg.

Randomness
(more on cough syrup) When I went to pick up my second round of antibiotics last night, I noticed that I'd overlooked the sugar-free cough syrup. I can't begin to imagine how foul sugar-free cough syrup tastes.

Excuses, Excuses
Blogging has been light, at best, because, well, because, I suppose, I'm lazy. Plus, I'm taking a graduate class for sport this semester, and it turns out it's a rather time-consuming sport. My first paper is due this week, and I'm stressing out over it, even though I don't need this class for anything, nor is it very likely that anyone will ever even notice it on my transcript. Nevertheless, I consumed with worry over this paper.

Meanwhile, I have the cough that's been going around. I took cough syrup for the first time since I was a child and had someone forcing me to do it. But only once. Then the antibiotics kicked in and I was no longer desperate enough to guzzle Robitussin. Blech. Oh the nightmares I remember from childhood -- waking up in the middle of the night, my eyes struggling to adjust to the light, and when they did, they focused on the tiny plastic cup of dreadful red liquid looming over my head. That was usually enough to make me wail -- just the sight of the stuff.

"DRINK THIS - YOU'VE BEEN COUGHING," my mother insisted.

There was no convincing her that I had not been coughing (because I had been, I'm sure), and I ultimately had to drink the syrup. But when I got big enough to fight back, well, that was the end of cough syrup for me.

And you know, it's not like broccoli. It's not one of those things you learn to like and appreciate. It doesn't taste better as you get older. That Robitussin was just as foul now, at age 31, as it was for me back then. BLECH.

Ivan v. WV
Marietta, Williamstown, and Vienna were hit hard by Ohio River flooding as a result of rainfall produced by Ivan. Wheeling and the northern Ohio River valley were also hit very, very hard. The Little Kanawha River was also backed up and flooding houses along its banks in Wood County. As I was driving on I-77, I saw numerous houses underwater just to the east of where I-77 crosses the Little Kanawha.

You've got (exploding) mail
Naturally, among the few people who realize WV is a state is someone who's been sending exploding letters to U.S. governors. This is one instance when it would be nice to fly under the radar and pretend to be a suburb of Richmond.

This is MY shopping cart, that is YOUR shopping cart
As you know, every time I go to the pharmacy in one of the local grocery stores (or just about any pharmacy, for that matter), something infuriating or at least bizarre happens.

Tonight it was the former. In my cart I had one 12-pack box of Diet Coke cans, and four 6-packs of .5 liter Diet Coke bottles. There was a sale. Why the heck shouldn't I stock up so I don't have to go get Diet Coke every week?!

So, I'm sitting there waiting, because in accordance with Murphy's Law, EVERY local senior citizen is getting his/her prescriptions refilled at the same time I am. One of these ladies feels the need to look at my collection of Diet Coke and announce, "Oh my God." Really, now, should you be taking the Lord's name in vain at your age? I seethe, thinking up all of the really good comebacks I should have blurted out. Then the lady FINALLY finishes her transaction, which of course involves the ever-so-slow writing of a check for more than the purchase price (and fumbling in the purse for ID, in order to get back change), and she returns to her cart and I see that she has four 12-packs of Coke products!

Huh? How is my stuff any worse than yours? Because the bottles aren't in a box they somehow count as more? Who knows.

Unless I'm pushing around a headless body, it's really none of your darn business what I have in my shopping cart, so butt out and keep your comments to yourself.

Floor Sanding for Dummies
I'm sorry to report that I cannot recommend floor sanding as a recreational activity. In fact, the enormous blisters on my hands make it nearly impossible to type this piddly blog entry. Yes, I did wear gloves, but they were of the gardening variety and perhaps they weren't the best choice for the job. My dad looked at my hands and declared that he did not remember the floor sander he once used "jerking around" that much. I assured him this one did.

It was also a beast of a machine - 130 pounds is what it said on the label. I started to get concerned when a gang of three men came out to load the machine into the trunk of my car. The person preparing the rental papers had advised me how "you guys" should use the machine and the sandpaper, etc. Clearly, he thought I had some burly man waiting for me to bring home the floor sander. "Mmmmmm, WOMAN, GO GET ME THAT FLOOR SANDER!" I was too stubborn to say anything, not even when I realized how heavy the thing was. I'd already concluded that if I couldn't get the thing out of the car, I would return it the next day at the agreed-upon time and let them unload it, saying nothing about it. Yeah, I'm that stubborn.

Well, I did manage to get the machine out of the trunk, but I had serious concerns about how I was ever to get it back in. I feared I would have to craft a ramp and chain the cats to it, yelling "GIDDY UP, KITTIES!" Luckily, that was not necessary. A man across the street came out of his house right when I was struggling to roll the thing back down my front steps, and he offered to help. He didn't realize, however, just how heavy it was until we were mid-lift and he announced, "Boy, that is a heavy thing."

Indeed.

That's to say nothing of the actual operation of the floor sander, which was slow, very slow, perhaps because I had to remove several layers of paint. I must admit it was I who painted the floor. After seeing one too many episodes of Trading Spaces, I decided it might be an economical solution for my ugly floors. It might have worked had I not chosen white as the color and then put a topcoat on it that yellowed. The result was a pissed-upon look that I found unattractive. Because the paint removal went so poorly, I may end up re-painting the floor tan, or perhaps just throwing in the towel and having someone install carpet. With the expensive floor sander rental, several coats of expensive paint, and ointment for blisters the size of Texas, I probably would have SAVED money had I just gone with carpet the first time around.

Oh, the joys of home ownership.

Finding out who's been naughty and nice
There's a great column in the Daily Mail today on the budget digest. The columnist likens the budget digest process to Santa Claus rewarding the good little towns and counties, and leaving the naughty ones lumps of coal.

Tropical Depression
The WV weather has been hot and humid, which is not unusual for summer, but it's slightly unusual this summer. As the humidity increases, my mood sours. To cheer myself up, I'm planning to rent a floor sander and sand the hell out of my bedroom floor. There's nothing like a home improvement project (and power tools) to lift one's spirits. Of course, I have to admit this project is in response to a previous, failed home improvement project.

In other miscellaneous house news, Lucille has found a new place to take her daytime naps (see photo below). These are not to be confused with her nighttime naps, which are taken in the other bedroom.

Sigh - here we go again
Yet another WV t-shirt is on sale from Abercrombie & Fitch, this one stating that they're no lifeguard on duty at the gene pool in WV (or something to that effect).

So, maybe there ARE cannibals in WV??!
The Brooklyn Hillbilly sent me this story (go here and click on 8/23/04 - "They Ground Her Up") in the Hur Herald, which he reads more regularly than I do (my online reading is very limited these days). Oh please, oh please, do not let this become an AP story. BTW, the part about the hog reminds me of Pinkney Benedict's short story "Booze" in the book "Town Smokes," for you students of WV literature.

Oh, cool! I'll take the North Bend Rail Trail for $200!
Now available: a Monopoly game based on WV state parks

Pro-life, even when it comes to mosquitoes*
A Tyler Countian charged by the local health department with providing mosquito breeding grounds contends, "among other defenses," that the breeding of the insects and "other natural vermin" is an act of God.


*Note: This is not a permalink, so it will likely not be functioning after a day or two from now.

Going for gold
If you're trying to get into the Olympic spirit today, the official opening of the 2004 summer games in Greece, here's column about the state's Olympians, especially a 1928 gymnast from Parkersburg.

Pickups still king in WV, but SUVs gaining
Here's some more fascinating WV data from the Census Bureau. The headline from this will likely be the 83% increase in SUVs from 1997 to 2002, but I find this more interesting:

"West Virginia has approximately one pickup for every 5 people and about one SUV for every 11 people. It also has approximately one pickup for every 4 licensed drivers and about one SUV for every 8 licensed drivers."

One of the other state profiles I looked at - Nebraska - reported exactly the same numbers: one pickup for every 5 people, etc. The number of SUVs in that state had not increased as much, however. Here's the page listing the reports currently available for various states (most states have not been released).

I don't know why I find this type of thing so very interesting. BTW, I have neither a pickup nor an SUV.

More on hot dogs (see also here and here)
Behold, the official hillbilly hot dog website! Thanks to Martha in KY for sending me this. I must confess I had not Googled "hillbilly hot dogs," so I never would have found this.

A quickie photo from the homeland, taken with the cheapo digital camera.

Consumer Warnings Gone Terribly Wrong
I bought a new hairdryer over the weekend. Just your standard $10 Conair hand-held model. Nothing fancy. For some odd reason, I decided to glance through the instructions before tossing them in the trash. Among the 15 warnings was this bizarre statement under "WARNING - To reduce the risk of burns, electrocution, fire, or injury to persons:"

7. Never use while sleeping.

That's what it says. I'm not making it up. Right there - #7 - don't use while sleeping! Darn! What a bummer, because I so often style my hair while I'm sleeping.

More on hot dogs (original post is here)
According to an email I received yesterday from a WV ex-pat living in DC, the delicacy of hot dog sauce is also unknown to residents of the District. Hmmm, does this mean the eastern panhandle is sauce-less? Has the sauce not traveled over the mountains?? The DC correspondent added that someone he knows who hails from Lousiana also did not know about hot dog sauce.

Soooooo, I'm posting the following as a public service. I've never actually made the recipe. A relative gave it to me several years ago.

This recipe includes onions. I recall onions being a popular add-on when I used to buy hot dogs as a kid -- ordering a hot dog with sauce and onions was a common thing. It was also a way the Brooklyn Hillbilly and I (and many others) described the body odor of someone we once knew - "He smells like a hot dog with sauce and onions," we would say, and everybody knew exactly what that meant because we all KNEW that odor. Oh, it's sad indeed that so much of America grew up without that.

Hot Dog Sauce (please note the absence of beans - it is not chili!)
1 lb. ground beef
3 cups hot water
1/2 cup chopped onions
3/4 cup ketchup
3/4 cup tomato paste
1 cup water
3/4 tsp. black pepper
1 Tbsp. chili powder
1 Tbsp. paprika
1 tsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp. sugar

Mix meat in hot water thoroughly before cooking. Cook 15-20 minutes; add onions. Cook until well done. (Add more water if needed) Add remaining ingredients to meat mixture. Cook slowly.

I just had to post some more about hot dogs so I can keep those oh-so-cool hot dog ads at the top of my blog.

Hillbilly heat & humidity
The last couple of days have been extremely sticky and uncomfortable in my area of the Mountain State. Just how hot, you ask? Here's a photo on Michelle's site that'll give you the idea.

Nation's 'most literate' cities announced
No, no WV cities listed among the "most literate," but we should take pride in the rankings of Akron, Columbus and Charlotte, all home to so many WV ex-pats (and of course the Brooklyn Hillbilly's new home, NYC, makes the top 100 also).

Guaranteed below 90 degrees or the lemonade's on us
Amy in Virginia sent me this story about Bluefield (yes, the WV Bluefield, not the VA Bluefield) that appeared in the Washington Post, but before I could add it here, I saw it listed on this Web site, which, I think, may not require sign in. So, here it goes -- read all about the lemonade lassies and the cool city of Bluefield ;).

What kind of dressing would you like for your side saddle?  How about "FRANCH"?
Just heard Rush Limbaugh reference this story on his show.  Of course, WV is included in this article about remarks made by Iowa's first lady.  Side saddle?  Is it possible that the waitress just misspoke?  Could you find nothing else bad to say about WV speech?  Geesh. 

Hot dog sauce - a regional phenomenon?
The Brooklyn Hillbilly phoned this morning with alarming news:  his NYC colleagues and friends do not know what hot dog sauce is, nor do they seem to believe in its existence (or at least that it's completely difference from chili).  It is, you see, the very weighty issues that cause the BH to call me.

The BH stumbled upon this info recently when he ordered frankfurters at an NYC deli and, when asked what he wanted on his dogs, stated that he wanted "sauce."  He was asked if he meant hot sauce.  No, he said, "hot dog sauce."  "Ketchup?" asked the confused deli employee.  Finally the BH settled for ketchup and joined his friend who was waiting at a table nearby.  When he began relating the story to her about the dimwitted deli guy, her reaction was the same - "You mean hot sauce?" 

After doing some questioning of his acquaintances, he found that none of them knew what he was talking about, nor is there an NYC equivalent (besides chili, which we have established is different because it has BEANS!). 

Coincidentally, there's a column in today's Daily Mail that briefly mentions some of WV's culinary traditions and tells how "Chef Boyardee" got his start at the Greenbrier.  BTW, I have never eaten a hot dog topped with coleslaw and didn't realize that was a WV thing.  Yech.

UPDATE:  Jerry says I'm a complete freak for not liking coleslaw on hot dogs and suggests a federal study to investigate my malady.

And even more great PR
Now we're in the news for chicken mistreatment.  I don't even want to hear the jokes.

For Sale: Votes
The going rate for votes in Logan County is apparently between $10 and $100.  Keep watch for more on this investigation.  Rumor is there's lots more to come.

Mad as Hell
If people feel passionately enough to phone in death threats to the Diocese of Wheeling-Charleston over their new cemetery policies, then I guess there's little hope to get state officials to do anything about the highway median memorials.  Yes, the one on Route 50 is STILL there (as of Sunday, July 11, at about 6 p.m.) and appears to have been updated and modified throughout the spring and summer.  Yet another median memorial has cropped up in a  dangerous intersection just east of the first one.

Required Reading
I enjoyed these great columns in the Daily mail today (here and here).
 
Hair Club for Democrats
I was watching coverage of John Kerry's most recent visit to the Mountain State on the news last night.  At one point WV gubernatorial candidate Joe Manchin was on stage with Kerry, and I was struck by how much Manchin's hair resembled the much-discussed (and even drooled-over - gag) hair of John Kerry. 
 
For those of you keeping score at home, it was Kerry's fourth visit to WV.  Here's the story in the Gazette (see bottom of page 2 for slightly amusing paragraph about the "obstacles" Kerry encountered during the speech).

More great publicity
Unfortunately, someone at the AP chose to use the phrase "wife beater" (referring to a style of muscle t-shirts banned at a WV high school) in the headline and this story has made its rounds nationally.

And just wait till I find a link to the story about the man in Monongalia County who is recovering from injuries sustained after an outhouse exploded. Sadly, I'm not kidding. The man's cigarette ignited the methane gas. The outhouse was a portable one, not the stereotypical half-moon variety (if that makes any difference). Still, I'm sure the national press will have a field day with an exploding outhouse in West Virginia. Sigh.

UPDATE - The AP has now revised their original wording in the aforementioned "outhouse explosion" story. It's now being called a "portable toilet."

Bad economy? I'll drink to that!
The state sold a record amount of liquor in 2003-04! YEEEEEEEhaw. Makes me want to go out and gamble to celebrate the good news. Of course, this fantastic news about liquor sales doesn't really make up for the recent announcement that Pennsylvania will install slot machines, potentially harming WV's great casinos-not-called-casinos industry.

Dancing no more
If you've wondered whatever became of the Dancing Outlaw, here's the answer to that question.

Random notes from my weekend travels
Cheapest gasoline: $1.69 for regular unleaded, just outside Johnson City, TN

Writing on the bathroom wall
In NC it's apparently required that restaurants post signs in their restrooms not only to instruct employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom (and before beginning a shift, as the sign stated), but also to tell them to DRY their hands using an approved hand-drying system. I suppose it makes sense that drying hands on one's filthy, contaminated pants (which is what I normally do) is not a good thing when you're in the food service industry, but the resulting sign is practically thesis-length because it must list the legalese for washing AND drying the hands.

Apologies...
I'm having some eye issues and have been severely limiting my off-hours computer use (this also gives me more time to obsess over my yard). I hope all of you have a happy fourth, and please, for goodness sake, remember that hillbillies and do-it-yourself fireworks don't mix -- you know, like hillbillies & ATVs. It's just a baaaaad idea.

Oh, and you'll want to any casual Sunday drives through Charleston unless you're game for some traffic surrounding the President's visit. This will be his second July 4th spent in WV. WV: The Independence Day Destination of Presidents. Hmmm, guess it doesn't have such a great ring to it.

Oh, dear God. Possums also pull wagons? I knew they played poker, but wagon-pulling???
(hat tip to Michelle - be sure to glance through the comments underneath the post)

BTW, if my last post about disasters gave you a hankering (hankeren) for some disaster pics, you can check out this online exhibit about the Buffalo Creek disaster.

Not exactly light beach-reading
I was glancing through a WV newspaper's web site yesterday when I happened upon what struck me as a somewhat gleeful advertisement for a new book published by the newspaper's parent company -- "West Virginia Disasters: Mountain State tragedies that have changed our lives."

I won't bother linking to the announcement because the link probably wouldn't work more than a day or two anyway. The editor states that, using other newspapers across the state owned by the same corporation, this book was able to piece together stories of disasters from all around the state, giving it "statewide appeal." There are apparently hoards of people clamoring for this type of literature.

Now, I do see the historical merit of compiling a book like this (and I admit I learned of several disasters I didn't know about just by reading the notice), but something about the whole announcement strikes me as funny, and, well, sad. Will there ever be a book about the greatest achievements in West Virginia history? And just what ARE those things? Come on, don't you automatically snort when you hear the hypothetical book title, "Great West Virginia Triumphs"?

No, we've got disasters. Flood disasters. Various mine and workplace disasters (e.g. Willow Island). An airplane crash that wiped out an entire football team and scores of its supporters. Bridges that inexplicably fall into the waters below. And a deadly tornado, which I had not heard of until I flipped on the TV tonight and heard the anchors celebrating the anniversary of the tragedy. We live in a state with more than our share of disasters, it seems.

The Brooklyn Hillbilly told me he hopes there is a book-on-tape version that includes survivor accounts, each stating, "IT WAS THE WORST THING I (HAD) EVER SEEN -- I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT!" (this, as you know, is the mandatory reaction that every disaster witness must give when interviewed by a TV or radio reporter).

Hmmmm...perhaps a sequel to this book could be "Great WV PR Disasters."

Happy belated birthday, WV!
Happy 141st! You don't look a day over 130!

Yes, it's that one time each year when we can say proudly, "SEE, I TOLD YOU WE WERE A REAL STATE AND NOT JUST A TERRITORY OF VA!"

I maintain that one of the greatest mistakes our founders made was naming the state. Surely we would not have the same problems with name recognition if our state were called Vandalia, or "Land of Many Deer and Trees," or, well, you get the picture. By choosing to cling to our mother-state, the founders not only made their lack of creativity abundantly clear, but they also forever damned us to be looked over by the geographically- and historically-confused halfwits that populate this country.

When schoolchildren and their parents memorize the states and capitals (please, oh please tell me they still have to do that), they will sit there befuddled, not understanding how the teacher could have made the mistake -- "WEST Virginia? That's not a state, is it? Well, Johnny, let's just move on to Wisconsin. There's a state I recognize. How 'bout them Badgers!"

Bypass the newspaper police
Jerry, who appears in today's Daily Mail, suggested that I post this web site to help you access pesky WV newspapers that require sign in. I'll put the link on the right side under "More WV Links: News."

Michelle is rabies, and I am rickets. Wouldn't you like us to come to your next dinner party??


Which Horrible Affliction are you?
A Rum and Monkey disease.

The price you pay when your vote counts
Ugh, brace yourself. I hadn't even thought of the impending media onslaught that the November presidential election may bring. Then I read Don Surber's column (absolutely awesome title, BTW), in which he appropriately predicts that every toothless hillbilly will be interviewed before the November election gets here. Sigh. Here's the article that he refers to in his column (link from the Brooklyn Hillbilly - thanks).

A Daily Mail columnist has another idea for WV's development money
Instead of glitzy TV commercials featuring dance mix versions of "Country Roads" and other such ad campaigns, he suggests selecting some random out-of-state folks and hosting them for an all-expenses-paid trip to the Mountain State. Then those folks can go back to their homelands and spread the good news of WV.

It just might work. It is amazing to me the number of non-native West Virginians who are big WV fans (e.g. Amy in VA), and I don't mean just in terms of sports.

Terror Target
Imagine my surprise Saturday afternoon as I lay sprawled in the recliner half-asleep and heard FoxNews listing the cities that were mentioned as possible targets of Eco-terrorists. I opened my eyes slightly and focused on the map of the US, with the terror targets marked, and there it was -- a big dot on Morgantown. What the??! As I am way late in talking about this, I'll direct you to Michelle's blog entry from the weekend. The good news is, the ecocrazies left the university city unscathed -- not even a flaming couch to speak of.

Bunker Busted
If you're dying to see the Cold War era bunker at The Greenbrier, you'd better go see it before July 28 or you'll have to wait a year or more to tour it. The bunker will be undergoing renovations during that time. Yikes - tours are $27 for adults! (but I guess that's the approximate cost of a breath mint at The Greenbrier, so, on second thought, what a deal!)

Add Maine island to list of hardscrabble locales
Amy in VA sends this article, showing that while I was taking my hillbilly tour of New England, a Washington Post reporter was also scoping out the region. I did go to Maine, but not this particular island. I found more than one area of Maine that screamed out to me, "Hardscrabble!" (those were the parts I liked the most, BTW).

There's a great quote at the very end of this story (page 3) by one of the island's inhabitants: "It's harder to leave this island than you'd ever guess. The life traps you."

Oh, sir, that's true about so many places.

More hillbilly travel
While looking up the URL of the story above, I ran across this entertaining story about a Washington Post writer's weekend adventure in Berkeley Springs.

Raking in the fed $$
Overall, we're 12th in per capita fed gov't expenditures, with social security payments counting as the biggest fed expenditure to WV. Virginia is ahead of us (grrrr), as are Alaska & North Dakota. WV takes top "prize," however, in the per capita retirement and disability payments.

Oh, Joey-O...
I can say with great certainty that this is the first time I've ever read the phrase "raped and raped good" in print in one of WV's major newspapers.

Reaga-mania
I should remember more of Reagan's presidency than I do. My memories of major historical events depend largely on whether school was in or out of session at the time.

For example, I remember the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster vividly because that was a snow day, and I was home sledding and watching tv. I think I recall the release of the hostages right after Reagan's inauguration. That was probably another snow day, as it was January. The Iran-Contra hearings I remember because those were in the summer. I picked up an "Ollie North for President" t-shirt at the county fair that summer, not really having any idea what it meant.

I was slightly, and only slightly, more in tune with state politics as a child. I was in tune enough to be wildly excited to have passed Sharon Rockefeller pushing a baby carriage on the sidewalk in front of the Governor's mansion during one of my rare visits to Charleston. I recall, I think, Jay's blizzard (was that 1978?), which happened before my school days. My dad, a state employee, came home early that day to wait for the blizzard that never materialized.

Are you picking up a snow theme here? Hmmmmm.

Anyway, I feel rather out of it because I can't remember more about Reagan, either to talk about how wonderful he was or to gripe about all he did wrong.

Recovering from my hillbilly vacation
I went on vacation for about 10 days, and when I returned, I immediately became ill. Make of that whatever you wish. Perhaps I developed an allergy to work. Wonder if I can get "the disability" for that?

My hillbilly travels took me through all of the New England states, plus a few others, and you know what I noticed? Now, you'd better sit down. Put your latte aside for a moment, because this may well knock you back on your arse. In each of the states except one*, I observed, I swear to God, TRAILERS. PEOPLE LIVING IN TRAILERS! Can you fathom it -- that somewhere outside of West Virginia people are living in TRAILERS? I was aghast, quite understandably, especially when I drove past several large clusters of trailers (dare I call them trailer courts??) along one of the major highways leading into Boston -- literally minutes from downtown Boston (minutes if the traffic is moving, that is). Come on, have you ever read a newspaper report of someone in Massachusetts living in a trailer? Has it ever been noted with gory detail when the subject of an Associated Press story is sitting on the "steps of her trailer" in the Boston suburbs?

About 20 or so miles outside of Boston, I took a series of small roads through old, classic New England communities. My destination was the town that one of my ancestors helped to settle in the 1600s (his great-great grandson inexplicably moved from the paradise of Massachusetts to the wilderness of what is now WV in the 1700s). As I was driving through the rolling hills, I found myself thinking, "Hmmm, this is a lot like home," and by "home" I'm referring to the mid-Ohio valley/Little Kanawha River valley lowlands (a.k.a. "hardscrabble," "backwoods Appalachia"). I found myself thinking that quite often during the trip, each time a little more shocked than the last that I found something in NEW ENGLAND that reminded me of West Virginia.

Of course, I knew that was the case. I knew that my home state as not as backwoods and uniquely downtrodden as the press makes it sound (try going to upstate NY -- never seen so much property for sale in my life). It's just that when you hear it again and again and again, you start believing it. You start thinking that you're a hillbilly freak living in a hillbilly freakland and wherever you go you'll bear scarlet H (for hillbilly -- duh) and people will recognize you're a hillbilly freak. Of course, this is all highly ridiculous, and that's why it's good to venture across the state line from time to time to reassure yourself that there are in fact trailers in other states, there are junk cars in yards darn near everywhere, and there are economically-depressed areas even in the states perceived as well-to-do.

*I did not spy a trailer during my hurried drive across Connecticut, but I feel certain that that was because the trees along the interstate had been strategically placed to obscure the view of sprawling trailer parks. Had I dared to stray from the interstate, I would have found them.

Rebel Deer
It's still quite early, I know, but the Brooklyn Hillbilly has already found the first item for his Christmas list this year. Shockingly, the auction ended without any bids.

Where has all the cropland gone?
Why, it's gone to federal prisons, DC commuters and retirees, to name a few. WV has lost 387 square miles of cropland since 1997.

"Taxed to the Max"
Sure, we're last in things like higher education, number of teeth per capita, etc., but when it comes to BEING TAXED, we're right up there! YEEHAW! WV has the 18th highest per capita total tax.

Here's the source of the info (from Census Bureau - right-hand side of table is per capita).

Bad news for Martha in Kentucky: The Bluegrass State has the 16th highest per capita taxes. Our MD neighbors don't have it much better than WV; they're 17th.

Still alive
Yes, I'm still alive. I've just been on my long commute. According to this article, WV's increase in commute time was the highest in the nation. I remember my summers during college when I would drive 30-45 minutes each way to get to a my low-paying job du jour (fast food for one summer, then a series of temp jobs each of the following summers). I'd wonder to myself how people did that for years and years on end, spending up to 2 hours a day in the car, depending on whether you got behind a tractor trailer, elderly person or other slow driver on Route 14 as it snaked its way through what I now understand is HARDSCRABBLE landscape.

Sigh
As I was driving Friday night, I heard talk radio show host Michael Savage referring to a discussion he'd had the night before about the "Appa-leash girl." I think you know to whom that little nickname referred.

And tonight Geraldo and Arianna Huffington are comparing and contrasting the JL and LE situations, noting the great irony that these "bookends" of the war came from the same geographic area and economic circumstances.

Sure, he's big on education, but who does he like in next year's PHS/South football game?
The President was in WV (again) yesterday (see here, here, here, and here - Note to Brooklyn Hillbilly: be sure to read that last one). This is the closest I recall a president being to my hometown. He was in Ripley for Independence Day a couple of summers ago, but I think Parkersburg is just a hair closer.

I heard a few seconds of his speech on the news last night, just long enough to hear him say "You've got a lot of coal here" and go on to talk about the country's energy needs and the importance of coal. Welllll, yes, WV certainly has plenty of coal, but the Mid-Ohio Valley is known for its oil (erl) and gas, NOT coal. Just a minor point, and I admit I'm being overly cranky today.

Hmmm, I wonder if the President at any time said Kanawha or Little Kanawha. That I would have liked to hear ;).

New death euphemism
I've been horribly remiss in reporting this new death euphemism -- "went to play cards with her husband." So, that's all it said. She went to play cards with her husband on a particular date, and the memorial service is at such & such a time at the church. It's not clear that the husband preceded her in death, but I'm assuming he did, or it must have been one hell of a card game.

The Brooklyn Hillbilly suggests, since he's not much of a card player, that I should slightly alter that language for his obit, to read something like, "The Brooklyn Hillbilly went to see a woman...".

Completely un-WV-related rambling
Let me get this straight. An American's head was cut off by terrorists, who filmed the entire act and narrated, explaining why they said they were doing it. And now we, America in general, are quibbling over whether or not the American was detained by US forces at any time preceding his beheading by the terrorists. Furthermore, blame for the man's death seems to be going to the US government, NOT THE TERRORISTS WHO BEHEADED HIM AND FILMED IT!! ARGHHHH. So now, not only are Americans not responsible for their own actions (e.g. eating fast food 7 days a week, three meals a day or knowing that the coffee you buy from McDonald's is going to be VERY HOT and should not be spilled on one's groin), but neither is the rest of the world, including various terrorist organizations.

WV Decision 2004: Vote Early, Vote Often
I voted today, but only in one county, and only in one precinct. I know, I know. Why bother, right?

As usual, my vote went to those whose campaign ads annoyed me the least. It is a safe bet that I didn't vote for MW for governor, nor would Mr. Osteoporosis/Breast Exam have gotten my vote, even if I could have voted in the Democratic primary (did you know 7 out of 10 West Virginians over age 50 have osteoporosis? GASP! Clearly this is a matter worthy of state government attention!). Instead I voted for someone I heard on a radio talkshow months ago and thought to myself, "Hmmm, now that sounds like an intelligent man." I was not inundated by every manner of advertisement begging me to vote for this person, and I confess that I don't know precisely where my candidate stands on various issues, but he sounded bright and didn't make any sort of outrageous claims (that I heard). So, a man who is most likely destined to lose got my vote.

While I was driving to the polling place (which I circled twice because the signage was severely lacking), I heard a radio ad for a local house of delegates candidate who proclaimed that he was "pro-gun, pro-family" and would "fight the outsourcing of jobs overseas." Um, if it takes the West Virginia legislature nearly a decade to pass ATV legislation, I'm going to go out on a limb and bet that they won't be stopping the outsourcing of jobs any time soon. Since the state has almost no jobs to outsource, what in the heck are they going to do??

Tale of two hillbillies
It was the best of times, and now it is the worst of times. Here's an AP story comparing JL and LE, the WV faces of the Iraq war.

This story from Friday describes the media invasion of Fort Ashby. One resident is quoted as saying, "They want the alternative Jessica Lynch. They don't need any more heroes. So they came here for villains."

Yearning for the good old days of JL coverage
Unless you've been living under a rock -- and that might be a good idea, BTW -- you've no doubt heard that one of the female soldiers in the infamous Abu Ghraib prison photos hails from the eastern panhandle. Oh yes, a proud day for Mineral County. As Jerry wrote to me yesterday, it's one step forward and two steps back in terms of media coverage about the state.

When I saw this story Tuesday, I got a sick feeling when I read the description of the home where the soldier grew up ("a trailer down a dirt road behind a saloon and a sheep farm" -- a saloon??? are you sure it's not a "cafe"???). And, of course, it's noted that the woman's mother is seated on a cooler on "the small stoop of her trailer" during her interview with the Baltimore Sun. Shockingly, the area was not deemed hardscrabble, but instead the hills were called "rolling" - apparently the closer you are to DC, the more rolling and hospitable the landscape becomes. But, anyway, with the trailer description, you could just see where this all was going.

Sure enough, today in the Daily Mail there's an editorial that quotes a story in The Sunday Herald (of England) referring to the soldier's upbringing in "a West Virginia trailer park." AS IF THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!!! For the love of Pete, there are countless people who LIVE IN TRAILERS and grow up and do perfectly normal things, including SERVING THEIR COUNTRY! And some of them continue living in trailers! GET OVER IT.

Oh yeah, in the original story to which I referred (by the AP), there was the typical undercurrent of "Oh, look at this poor hillbilly woman who WAS FORCED to join the military." You'll remember it well from the early JL coverage. You know, when it was practically like the Army recruiter had kidnapped the young girl and whisked her away against her will. You'd think no West Virginian joins the military simply because they WANT to serve the country.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh yeah, here's the first story I've found so far that compares the current scandal to JL.

Don't know much about history
So, if you can't figure out who to vote for, perhaps you'll want to take into account the results of this WV history test given to the gubernatorial candidates. How in the hell was Joe Manchin the only one to know the BROOK TROUT is the state fish?? Gasp. Isn't that common knowledge?

They finally meet
What is the biggest shock to me about this story -- of JL & Mohammed finally meeting -- is that they managed to keep this quiet for nearly a month. This report in today's Herald-Dispatch (and a subsequent AP report) is the first I've seen.

Hillbilly Job Possibilities
I've been half-heartedly looking for another job. Perhaps I should follow the route of this ex-Martinsburg mayor who is now a butler for Donald Trump.

State of Denial
Maybe that's where we're living. The State of Denial. Casinos? I don't see any casinos! Where? No, darn it, th sign says Cafe!! That's no casino. Sex shop? Where? NO!

Jerry has issues with a giant plush penis in the Town Center Mall. You know, he has a good point. I've never really heard anyone complain about Spencer's Gifts, not that I really hang with the crowd who would typically be offended by such things, but what if a store opened and advertised itself as the Town Center Sex Toy Shoppe (because Shoppe is much classier than Shop)?? Or the Town Center Vulgar Humor Shoppe?? Bet ya someone would complain.

Ya know - it reminds me of the whole "Let's have casinos but not call them casinos" issue. As long as the store calls itself a "gift shop" it's OK (like the numerous casinos masquerading as "cafes" that now dot the WV landscape).

Random thought
I never want my life to be so busy that I have to talk business on my cell phone the entire time I'm in Wal Mart. I want those few minutes to myself contemplate my toothpaste selection in peace and quiet. Come to think of it -- I don't ever want a cell phone.

How to win friends and influence people...in WV
Dave Peyton gives us an excellent column on WV politics today.

THIS JUST IN -- Virginia also 'hardscrabble'
Apparently there are also hardscrabble locales in ye Old Dominion! Who would have thunk it??! Well, it is western Virginia, but still! (hat tip to Michelle)

I feel compelled to take this moment to explain once again that Virginia and West Virginia (not to be confused with western Virginia) are SEPARATE STATES. This is a ridiculously difficult concept for many to grasp, and I try to be sypathetic, since this whole succession thingy-ma-jig transpired so recently -- oh, what was it? Right, over 140 years. I can see how this bit of history has escaped generations of Americans.

Will she or won't she utter the word 'hardscrabble'?
JL will be the commencement speaker at WVU Tech, or, as the Brooklyn Hillbilly is so fond of saying, WVU TICK.

I've been thinking. You know those "certified business location" signs -- a distinction bestowed seemingly on darn near every county of the state? Well, I'm thinking a similar sign is needed to denote "certified HARDSCRABBLE locations." This would give people -- reporters included -- some guidance in determining which counties are indeed HARDSCRABBLE and which ones are merely masquerading as HARDSCRABBLE.

Abortions and breasts -- oh, it's just the governor's race
It is nearly time to go to the polls to select the best fiddlers to replace those currently in Charleston, and let me tell you, the field is packed with worthy candidates to sit by while the state continues to burn.

I’d been suppressing this rant for about half a week. In fact, I’d nearly convinced myself that the commercial I heard while driving out of town Friday morning was just a figment of my sick mind. But no, here it is in today’s Daily Mail (article is definitely worth a read).

It was the second of two mind-boggling commercials I heard for gubernatorial candidate MW. The first featured almost exclusively the voice of a former chairman of the joint chiefs of staffs, a general whose voice is still familiar to many of us who bothered to listen to the news during the years of 1997-2001. It was an impressive “get” for a WV candidate for governor, I’ll admit that, but what on earth does it prove to us? Yes, I suppose it shows leadership, and I generally admire anyone who serves the country in the armed forces (and the candidate is a West Point grad and does have an impressive record). But radio ad time is expensive. Seems like one could do more with his/her ad budget by actually DISCUSSING SOME OF THE ISSUES.

Well, as soon as I’d gotten that ad out of my head, I was pulling out of the Sheetz parking lot, having just paid a ridiculous amount to fill up the tank, when I hear a voice saying, (I’m paraphrasing, did not have pen & paper or recording device on me) “If elected governor, I will reduce the number of abortions in West Virginia.”

???? Is this a joke??? Now, I’m not, like, a proponent of abortions, eagerly trying to increase the number of aborted fetuses here or elsewhere, but is THAT the most pressing issue the state is facing? The candidate went on to quote some statistics that claimed the number of abortions is increasing in the state. I don’t recall the source of those statistics, but you can can listen to the ads online by going to the guy’s web site. Go to google, type in his whole name, and it’s the first link. Or use his first name, the year 2004, and "dot com."

Anyway, when it comes to the best fiddler in the state, this guy, I thought, had the lead, but then I see a story this afternoon about another candidate (LJ), of the other political party, “unveiling his women’s health platform.” From the brief AP story I read, it sounds like the platform calls for requiring insurance companies to pay for annual breast and osteoporosis screenings for women over 40, in addition to some other requirements for insurers. I’m a woman, and I like being healthy, but sweet Lord, I don’t expect the would-be governor of my STATE to unveiling a plan for the adequate care of my BREASTS. What good does it do if my breasts are the healthiest on the planet but there is no where for me to work? Or I can't buy house or car insurance?

Worse than that stupid Ground Hog Day movie
Just heard on the local TV news that someone has tried to rob Mr. Powerball YET AGAIN!
(Update here)

Spam du jour
Among the hundreds of spam messages I received in my Yahoo account over the weekend was one from the following sender:
"The passion of the christ"

He wants hillbillies to vote naked? (nekkid)
Thanks to Martha in the Bluegrass State, who sent me an AP version of this story, I have just performed what may be the first and last Google news search for the words "ken hechler naked." *shudder*

It seems the 89-year old thought he could appeal to young voters by suggesting, in an ad, that they "vote naked." It's unclear if he plans follow-up ads to appeal to other segments of the WV population, with slogans such as "Vote While High on Oxycontin."

JL, the motivational speaker
Amy from Virginia sent me this article today from the Washington Post (registration required to view article). It describes a recent JL appearance at 'Get Motivated.' The writer says JL is from the "humble mountain hollows," and I can live with that. You know, it occurs to me that I've not seen the word "hardscrabble" of late. Maybe that's why I've been in a funk.

A whole lotta crosses
The Mountain State has the most crosses -- crosses erected by the late Rev. Coffindaffer, that is. Now there's a campaign to preserve the Coffindaffer crosses. If you've driven through WV at all, you've most likely seen at least one set of the crosses.