Mix-up
Jane writes to tell me that in fact the angel did arrive, but not till Sunday. There must have been a mix-up about the time. Jane also was kind enough to send me a picture of the angel "statue."

Furthermore, Jane informs me that my site comes up in Spanish on at least one web browser. I can only assume this is because I'm currently dog-sitting a Spanish-speaking Jack Russell Terrier and the dog's aura is somehow messing with my blog.

*Update*
The dog's mommy writes to tell me that Hillbilly Jack Russell is fully bilingual and would, more likely, translate the page to Spanglesh if she possessed the ability to write at all. So discount that theory.

It's wise to proofread bumperstickers before slapping them on you're your car
Some proud dame is driving around town with the following bumpersticker on the back of her giant Crown Victoria:

Women make great leaders...
Your following one!

Hummus, anyone?
Daily Mail: Garden sprouts up at Palestine Post Office
Wow, I guess my weekend plans are set. The Friends of Mohammed have donated a garden at the Palestine Post Office and "the garden officially will be dedicated Saturday, which is Lynch's 20th birthday, with a Middle Eastern community picnic, donated by Friends of Mohammed."

Jamal Daoudi, spiritual leader of the Islamic Center of West Virginia, will be among those going to Palestine to dedicate the garden in honor of Lynch and her rescuer. "The Sahara Restaurant is sending lunch with us," Daoudi said. YES! I love Middle Eastern food! (I'm being serious.)

Post Office officials say that an extra 750-1,000 pieces of mail per day have been coming in for Jessica. The post office is ready with items to sell from post cards to pins. A special stamp cancellation is being discussed.

Parkersburg News: Pfc. Jessi Lynch honored with ballad by Duckworth
The singer is Miriah Duckworth, a Wirt Countian and friend of Jessica Lynch.

Not only did the endeavor (recording the song) attract local media attention, but news crews from national media agencies, including "48 Hours," were at the studio to report the story of a ballad that already has been heard on MTV and on Pittsburgh radio stations, Hoover said.

By the way, Jessi turns 20 tomorrow.

WV's 25 cents worth
What'll it be? Brook trout? Outhouse? Satellite dish? (that's pronounced "deesh," damn it) Whitewater rafters? Way back in February, I speculated about possible designs for the WV quarter. Now I read in the Martinsburg Journal & Charleston Daily Mail that design ideas are due May 23.

Here's an article outlining WV's process from last Friday's Daily Mail. "Ideas will be collected until May 23, when the high school students will start the judging on a private, secure Web site. The Mint will train the students in what makes good coins and what doesn't. After the training, students will whittle down the field to about five. Wise will select three to five designs to submit to the Mint, which has the final say on which one it believes is appropriate. Oh please let Ry & Dave at The Braxtonian be on this high school selection committee. I think I trust them more than the governor.

The US Mint lists some guidelines for designs, in case you're interested in whipping something up. Notice that state seals and state flags aren't permitted. Also, "Designs shall have broad appeal to the citizens of the state and avoid controversial subjects or symbols that are likely to offend." Images of people are banned, so, sorry, Lynch-o-holics.

The Martinsburg Journal editorial pleads that the design NOT include an outhouse complete with crescent moon cut on the door. And, the editorial asks, no "feuding hillbillies."

Hillbilly Smut
So, how do you suppose US Attorney Kasey Warner felt when he made the following statement that's reported in today's Charleston Daily Mail? "In this particular case it's going to be very obvious that what was being sold on girlspooping.com does not match up with community standards anywhere in this country," U.S. Attorney Kasey Warner said. "If anything in this world is obscene and therefore illegal, we are going to argue that this is."

How would you feel if you had to say with a straight face "girlspooping dot com"?

Sadly, the proprietors of "girlspooping.com" are Lewisburg, WV, residents. In case you can't figure out what this site might sell, the Daily Mail describes it this way: The Corbetts' Web site offered a whole lineup of videos and DVDs featuring nude and semi-nude women using the bathroom. The videos sometimes included sex acts as well.

Even more disturbing is the fact that the couple made $175,000 in two years. Who would have thought there would be such a big market for videos of hillbillies, uh, pooping?

Ry from The Braxtonian contributes this fine item:

VoA:West Virginia Muslims Hope to Honor Iraqi Hero
This story has more details than the previous one I posted, such as: While the Friends wait for Mohammed and his family to arrive, they are starting work on another project in his honor. Mr. Thibeault of the Friends group said letters, drawings and other paraphernalia that tell the story of Jessica and Mohammed are being gathered for a permanent display at the West Virginia Cultural Museum.

Belated Thanks
I ought to be slapped silly with a WV ramp for not thanking Ry for helping me out with my Blogger template problem. Also, Ry & Dave's writing at The Braxtonian has restored some of my faith in the West Virginia public school system. So, thank you for both ;-).

AFT, part 3
Ah, well, this actually makes some sense. Metronews: "Hale says the WVFT will also set up a scholarship for West Virginia students who want to become teachers just as Jessica Lynch does. Senator Bob Plymale (D-Wayne) says creating the scholarship for not only Jessica but also all West Virginia students is an excellent idea."
But then there's this from AFL-CIO Secretary Treasurer Kenny Perdue: "Kenny Perdue says many fear that Jessica will leave the state once she recovers. He says starting this fund is a way to entice her to stay in the state. Perdue says if nothing is done, she will go to college in another state. He says if she has the money to stay close to home, she may do so."
Um...

AFT, part 2
Now the AFT's press conference is supposed to be in Charleston, in case you were planning to attend. They're also saying that their fundraising started before the Governor's announcement two weeks ago. Judy Hale, AFT president, "says Jessica can use the money collected in this fund to pay for all those extras that room, board, tuition and books don't cover. Things like clothes, food, computers and transportation." (Metronews) Wouldn't it be somewhat amusing if Pfc. Lynch says, "You know what, I want a career in the military."? Or maybe she's decided to be an engineer. Or maybe she wants to pursue an unmarketable major like mine. Or... Oh, it's not that I don't want her to get the money. That's not it at all. I want her to be able to do whatever it is she wants to do. It just infuriates me when groups jump on the JL bandwagon and hold press conferences or send out press releases to announce their charitable intentions. How about a nice letter to Jessica and her family, and leaving it at that?

The Daily Lynching^TM*
Cybercast News Service: PFC Lynch, Other POWs Not Eligible for Compensation
"Many people are not aware that there is currently no special pension or other monetary compensation for U.S. service men and women taken prisoner while fighting for their country." The article also goes into details of a Former Prisoners of War Special Compensation Act (H.R. 850) introduced by Rep. Mike Simpson (R-Idaho).

ESPN: Making a Mockery
My favorite of the day -- Columnist Gregg Easterbrook has Pfc. Lynch going to the Cincinnati Bengals as the #1 selection in his mock draft. "If the sculpted, testosterone-pumped Bengals displayed half the heart and courage of this 130-pound woman, Cincinnati would be a Super Bowl lock."

* My new word for "Googling" Jessica Lynch.

Hills 'ablaze' with dogwoods
I know you've all been losing a lot of sleep over this, but now it's official -- WSAZ's meteorologist Tony Cavalier says this is INDEED the finest dogwood crop in recent years:
"This is probably the best dogwood crop we've had in the last five or 10 years," Cavalier said. "Just about perfect, I'd say." You know you've hit it big when you're the state authority on the quality of spring and the accompanying dogwood crop.

Is it a full moon or what?
The Brooklyn Hillbilly vows to never return to the Mountain State because of the recent crime wave. Here's a little re-cap:
Saturday/Monday -- A deranged nutball in Jackson County allegedly stabs her elderly neighbor with a pair of scissors, forces stabbed woman to write out a check to her, then chokes her with a telephone cord and torches her home (elderly woman dies). Then, on Monday, same deranged nutball allegedly stabs herself and torches her own home (she, however, does not die).

Sunday -- Ahh, a quiet Easter in Charleston. Wrong! On Charleston's west side a man and his dog were shot after the man yelled at a speeding motorist. Charleston Gazette: "Charleston Police said the driver of the vehicle turned around, stopped and told the pedestrian 'I will murder you.' He then unloaded, sending several bystanders, including children, ducking for cover behind cars at a Rite-Aid parking lot."

Monday night -- Someone allegedly tries to pick off a Huntington councilman in a driveby shooting. AP: "Charlie Thompson was working at his desk at Thompson's Auto Repairs about 11:30 p.m. Monday when someone drove by and fired a 12-gauge shotgun toward the office."

Trash-talking will get you trash duty, little missy
"A Morgantown woman will have to spend 40 hours picking up trash for screaming obscenities at a Division of Motor Vehicles employee." Gee, I hope she at least said something really good like "assnugget" to make it worth her time.

Appalachian Spring
Ahhh, spring is here. How do I know, you ask? Well, because of this sign in front of the local floral shop:

Perinals Are Here!

There's nothing I enjoy more than adding some more "perinals" to my flowerbeds each spring.

Long Weekend
My benevolent employer -- pause for uncontrollable laughter -- has granted me tomorrow off, so I will travel for an extended stay in the "Appalachian backwoods" where my sources (reliability unknown) tell me a major clean-up campaign is under way, as mandated by the governor. If all goes well, I'll post some pictures next week to counter the reports from the "trailer camp town" of the "rusted, broken-down cars, piles of wood and miscellaneous junk."

Return to Sender
Chris in SC says he just saw piece on Fox News about the staff of Walter Reed Hospital being inundated with mail for Pfc. Lynch. They suggested that people donate to charity instead, such as an armed services support group. Here's an article I found on the WTAP site. It says Lynch is "discouraging more gifts of T-shirts, stuffed animals and fruit baskets." Ha! I can just see her room -- bananas, oranges, and apples stacked to the ceiling! It does say however that cards and letters are OK and an address is given for the hospital.

I knew some Workers' Comp claims were ridiculous, but now this?
The Brooklyn Hillbilly alerted me to an amusing subhead in a Hur Herald article: WORKERS' COMP GETTING HARD ON CLAIMS.

Placenames
Another Hur Herald headline reminded me of a thought I had last week. What if Jessica Lynch had been from another, more colorfully named WV town? Like, say, War (McDowell County) or Big Otter (Clay County). I can just see the headlines: "Big Otter Women Rescued." And the TV reporters would have such a ball -- "Joe, I'm standing here in Big Otter, which, I'm told, got its name from an unusually large otter, once a native species to this area."

Of course, the best place name in WV will always be Big Ugly (Lincoln County). That leads to very nice headlines, like "Big Ugly Woman Wins Contest."

Just so you know
The following items are available on Ebay:

• PFC Jessica Lynch Silver Coin NEW


• OIL PAINTING PFC Jessica Lynch


• America Loves Jessica Lynch Magnet

Gag, gag, gag.

The Daily Googling
Oh good grief -- even the Iraqi doctors are taking stabs at Pfc. Lynch. This article is yet another telling of how horrible the US soldiers were when they stormed in to steal Pfc. Lynch from the arms of the caring Iraqi medical staff. Here's what one medical resident says, who claims to be the only one Pfc. Lynch would allow to treat her: “I see [many] patients, but she was special. She’s a very simple person, a soldier, not well educated. But she was very, very nice, with a lovely face and blonde hair.” This man also divulges some of the personal conversations he had with Pfc. Lynch. Note to self: when taken prisoner, don't tell your captors anything you don't want told to the world press.

The article, however, has some other interesting details, such as the same doctor claiming to have sent Pfc. Lynch to an American "outpost" in an ambulance, but the vehicle was fired on and had to return.

Obit Watch
If you're new here, then you'll be puzzled by this entry. You see, I have this thing for ridiculous obituaries. If you're interested read my rant in the archives . The Brooklyn Hillbilly and I have noticed a trend -- people are starting to note who was present at the time the deceased went to "be with the Lord" (i.e. died). The following sample from the Charleston Daily Mail takes this to the extreme:

_______________ passed away at his home in (name of town) with his wife, _______, and loyal canine companion, Booger, at his side.

If you're absolutely adamant about listing the canine companion, then maybe you could leave out the name, especially if you've chosen to call this animal Booger.

My two cents
In reference to a story I linked to earlier, here's my idea for the "heck of a big shindig" for Pfc. Lynch. Let's have it in Charleston, in conjunction with the Sternwheel Regatta.
My reasoning:
*It would dissuade or divert the "hey, let's go look at the poor hillbillies" kind of tourists.
*Dates for this year's regatta are Aug. 28-Sept. 1, which leaves several months for Pfc. Lynch to heal.
*Out-of-the-area reporters, finding themselves smack-dab in a modern city, might be forced to write about Pfc. Lynch and/or the event instead of dwelling on the "trailer camp town" in the "Appalachian backwoods,""the rusted, broken-down cars," and the "piles of wood and miscellaneous junk."
*TV reporters would have the opportunity to chirp madly -- "JESSICA DIDN'T EVEN SEE THIS -- THE STATE CAPITAL -- UNTIL SHE WAS OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL!"

Of course, there are numerous reasons this would not be feasible -- it's just my thought of the moment.

'Twas only a flesh wound
Washington Post (via Charleston Daily Mail): Iraqis call Lynch raid 'big show' - Doctors say militiamen,soldiers had fled already
"Accounts of the U.S. military's dramatic rescue of Pfc. Jessica Lynch from Saddam Hospital here two weeks ago read like the stuff of a Hollywood script. For Iraqi doctors working in the hospital that night, it was exactly that - Hollywood dazzle, with little need for real action." The Iraqi doctors also say all of her injuries were sustained when her vehicle overturned.

Now she's from a "trailer camp town"
Thanks to Martha for notifying me of the following remark in an April 13 column by Jimmy Breslin in Newsday (scroll down to last paragraph):
A 19-year-old from a trailer camp town who wants to be a grade-school teacher has to join the Army first, go into a war because that's the only way out.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Trailer camp town? On what, I wonder, does Mr. Breslin base his analysis of her hometown? And, as I've stated before, the military is not "the only way out." Do not, for the love of God, diminish her choice of serving the country by stating it was "the only way out."

A couple of Pfc. Lynch stories to start off the day
El Paso Times: Jessica Lynch paintings, coins for sale on eBay
While no surprise, this is disgusting nonetheless. Saturday evening, the Internet auction site listed at least 10 Jessica Lynch items, ranging from an oil painting with an opening bid of $200 to a $5 "America Loves Jessica Lynch" refrigerator magnet.

Slate: Does Pfc. Jessica Lynch Own the Movie Rights to Her Life?

BLAH -- Buried in the Appalachian Backwoods
BLAHHHHHH! Was going to bed, but stumbled across this fine work of journalism from the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Jessica Lynch's hometown praises local hero
Oh, OK, it's not so bad, but passages like this make me cringe: Her grandfather Carl Lynch lives up the road from his family in a faded yellow trailer with clucking chickens running free in the front yard.

And this (about Palestine): There are no other buildings. Just houses and rolling pastures, shacks and front yards with rusted, broken-down cars, piles of wood and miscellaneous junk. I suppose the reporter failed to notice the newer, nicer houses built along Route 14. And the new medical clinic built at the intersection of Routes 5 & 14. It's funny how your eye just gets drawn to those "rusted, broken-down cars, piles of wood and miscellaneous junk." Don't get me wrong -- I'm not denying it's there. But there are a lot of other things, too -- they just don't make a fun story to tell to the Cleveland readers.

Then there's this statement that I have doubts about: About 900 people live in Palestine. Many just walk to the post office to pick up their mail. I'll have to see what the Brooklyn Hillbilly thinks, but unless you consider Palestine to be the entire REGION of the county referred to as Palestine, I don't see how 900 people could live there. It seems to me that would be closer to being accurate about Elizabeth, the county seat, where, by the way, residents must go to the post office to get the mail because it's not delivered to anyone inside the town limits (except the senior citizens' apartment complex).

Also amusing to me is the statement that Palestine is "buried in the Appalachian backwoods about an hour south of the Ohio line." If about 15-20 miles from I-77 is "buried in Appalachia" to this guy -- oh dear.

Oh, sure, there's plenty positive in this story, but it's late and it's my job to be venomous and sarcastic.

AP story - via The Morgantown Dominion Post:Governor's office helping Lynches with book offers
Charleston Daily Mail - 'People' coming around
In this column by Brad McElhinny, he points out that 2 West Virginians made the cover of People magazine this week (Jessica Lynch & Jennifer Garner) and further suggests that Garner play Lynch in the movie about her ordeal.

Out, Out, Damn Stork
I believe I mentioned long ago that everyone I know is pregnant. OK, I exaggerate -- only three. One of the unlucky souls is stuck with me helping to plan her baby shower. It's an odd custom, don't you think, to invite people to a party, require them to bring a gift for the honoree, and then humiliate them by making them play embarrassing games to win trinkets.
Here's one from this site that we will not be playing at her shower:

My Water Broke
The participants race to a finish line (where there is someone dressed like a doctor) with a water filled balloon between their legs. The one who hasn't broken their water balloon wins!

Those with a shred of dignity remaining can then be forced to play this one:

Feed the Baby
Have the guests divide up into teams of 2, one is be the MOTHER the other is to be the BABY, give each team a baby bottle filled with a preferred beverage; remember to cut the nipple hole a little larger; the BABY sits in MOTHER'S lap and is fed the bottle. The team who finishes the bottle first wins the prize! Very funny, especially if you decide to use a soft drink as the beverage.

While it would give me a little sadistic pleasure to watch certain co-workers suck down soda from a baby bottle, I guarantee we won't be playing that one either.

NBC to Make TV Movie About POW Jessica Lynch
GAHHH! This is what makes my blood boil: "Few details have emerged of Lynch's ordeal as a POW and her family have told competing media outlets they are not ready to discuss selling the rights to her story. NBC said however that it was going ahead with a TV movie that would likely be broadcast toward the end of this year. 'We are trying for the rights, but we are going ahead with a script based on the facts and on news reports,' an NBC source said."

How about showing a scrap of decency, you repugnant money-hungry bastards, and waiting at least until the woman sets foot on the continental United States before releasing that kind of statement? Huh? What would it hurt? Go ahead and work on your stupid script, which will no doubt feature a COAL MINE or some such irrelevant stereotypical WV scene, but keep your mouth shut about it. Have you no shame? (*not that there's anything wrong with coal mines*)

And what if details don't "emerge"? Oh hell, just make 'em up. Sure. Why not? Get it on the air as soon as possible, preferably before Private Lynch recovers, so as to traumatize her as much as possible. I wonder if they would do the same thing to David Bloom's family?

Absolutely shocking news

Number of businesses in W.Va. declining
AP - "The number of businesses in West Virginia declined by 1.5 percent in 2000 and 2001, the largest loss in the nation, according to the U.S. Census Bureau's county business patterns report released Thursday."

If your blood pressure is low, you can read this as a remedy. Some of the more positive remarks include the phrase "incestuous hills of West Virginia." Just another in the series of rage-inciting articles from this London publication. *Update* -- Better yet, go here and read Rachel Lucas fisking the hell out it.

And this from today's Charleston Daily Mail: Town's getting ready for the homecoming - Post office and bank coping with generosity
Photo on front of Daily Mail site - Went to high school with the teacher pictured -- ack, I feel old.

Another day, another car
Fairfax auto dealer donates car to Pfc. Lynch
Add this to the ones offered by car dealers in Parkersburg and Pfc. Lynch is going to have quite a fleet of vehicles.

The Centcom Gig
I've been thinking that covering Centcom wouldn't be such a bad gig for journalists. I mean, the dress is casual, bathing & personal hygiene optional, and you don't even have to bother masking your hatred for those doling out the info. Journalist paradise on earth!

Evening update
AP (via Dayton Daily News): W. Va. Residents Want to Honor Iraqi

"First, they have to find him. But when they do, residents of this small town want to thank the Iraqi man who helped save POW Jessica Lynch by bringing him to West Virginia....The effort to track down the man is being led by James Thibeault, who has founded Friends of Mohammad."

Um, maybe Mohammad doesn't want to come? Still, a nice gesture.

"The organization will be based in Lynch's hometown of Palestine, which is about 70 miles northwest of Malden, a Charleston suburb. 'There's a wonderful spiritual connection there for the Muslim people,' said Thibeault, who hopes a Lynch family member will sit on the group's board.Thibeault and about 10 residents met Wednesday with Imam Jamal Dauodi, spiritual leader of the Islamic Association of West Virginia, to discuss raising money to bring Mohammed here and other details. Daoudi said it was no coincidence that a man named after Islam's prophet Mohammed saved an American woman from a town called Palestine.
'It is the will of God,' he said."

Um, uh...
*Update* -- OK, now that this story's getting picked up by everyone, including FoxNews, I'm thinking perhaps I misunderstood it. I thought they wanted to permanently relocate Mohammed to WV; maybe it's just a visit they're after.

On going home
As I was reading one of the numerous Pfc. Lynch stories last night, I was suddenly deeply saddened by something Greg Jr. said. I'd read the remark before and it hadn't affected me, but there it was again and bam: "She wants to go home. That's the only thing she's been asking."
While I can't know for sure what "home" means to Pfc. Lynch - whether it means Ft. Bliss, TX, or Palestine, WV - I think it's safe to say that both senses of home have been obliterated. Well, OK, maybe not exactly obliterated, but certainly altered drastically, at least for the short term. What if she's yearning for the simple anonymity of life in the "dirtpoor hill country of West Virginia" (as that SOB writing for the London Evening Standard called it)? Or the good old days with her buddies (e.g. roommate Lori Piestewa) in the 507th?
So I got depressed envisioning this woman struggling to recover in a hospital room in Germany, wanting desperately to go home. I hope she is able to endure how home has been transformed: people from all crevices of the globe wanting a piece of you, signs up proclaiming that you once lived there, reporters camped out on the front yard, rude bitches like me poking fun at your family's beloved rooster, etc.

Today's Pfc. Lynch selected readings
As I wrote yesterday, the WV Air National Guard apparently played a role in the rescue operation.

Charleston Gazette: WV Air Guard unit helped rescue Jessica from hospital
AP via Yahoo!News: Lynches Say Jessica is "Real Cheerful"
She's gotten to eat turkey & gravy, carrots and French fries (not Freedom Fries).
Parkersburg News: Petition honors Iraqi who aided in Lynch rescue
The online petition asks members of Congress to sponsor a bill granting special U.S. citizenship to Mohammad and his family.

Results of the hillbilly poll
On Friday I asked which reporter y'all thought would land the first interview with Pfc. Lynch. Here's what you think:

• The Brooklyn Hillbilly casts a biased vote for Ashleigh Banfield, adding that Ms. Banfield will be the mother of his children. I fear a toxin has been released in NYC and is causing him to suffer from delusions.



• Chris from SC envisions a one-hour interview with Katie Couric, similar to the one she did with the Central Park jogger that aired last night. I missed that one, but Chris says it was well done. Yeah, I can see the one-hour in-depth feature being a likely format for Jessica's first interview.



• Rich from Ohio selects Diane Sawyer, but adds something I hadn't thought of -- perhaps Matt Lauer will use his WV connections to land the first interview. Excellent point -- hadn't thought of that. According to Lauer's bio, he started his career in 1979 as producer of the WOWK-TV (Huntington, WV) noon news and was a reporter for the noon and evening news in 1980. Rich also writes, "I think it would be more fitting if Katie, Babs, Diane and any other contenders had to perform feats of strength and/or agility (arm wrestling perhaps?) to secure the interview." I couldn't agree more. In fact, that might be more entertaining than the interview.

And me? I'm torn. While Rita Cosby showed incredible tenacity to drive to Palestine and broadcast live at 5 a.m., I have to lean more toward the perky Katie Couric or Jane Clayson, who was invited by the Lynches to eat lasagna with them. Maybe Matt Lauer will teach Katie the secret WV handshake and give her the edge.

Six Flags Baghdad
Off the topic, but this quote in an AP article about soldiers go through one of Saddam's palaces cracks me up: "'This used to be a nice place, they should make it like a Six Flags, or something,' said Spc. Robert Blake, 20, of State College, Pa., and the 3rd Battalion, 7th Infantry."

Stop the Lies!
Unless they're operating on some obscure definition of "shopping mall," Newsweek has yet again printed the inaccurate statement (in my opinion) that Jessica Lynch did not see a shopping mall until she was 17. The Brooklyn Hillbilly called to tell me about the Newsweek article, which he says is otherwise quite good. Why can't they get this right? The girl's relative took her on a shopping trip in Charleston when she was 17 -- it was the first time she'd been to Charleston, NOT the first time she'd been shopping! Good grief. I know she had to have been to the one in Wood County (Grand Central Mall in Vienna, WV). She and her family would have had to make an effort to avoid going there.

This weekend's Pfc. Lynch selected readings

Parkersburg News/Sentinel: Wirt towns recuperating from invasion

"Television crews did live shows from Palestine and beamed their signals to receiving satellites for transmission around the world. 'I didn't know there were that many 10-foot satellite dishes left in this part of the country,' Murray said."

Parkersburg News/Sentinel: Family travels to Germany to visit Jessica

The family traveled on a Gulfstream IV SP jet loaned to the military by Bill Johnson, president and CEO of H.J. Heinz, headquartered in Pittsburgh, Pa.

New York Times (via L.A. Daily News Web site): Lynch becoming media icon

"A book agent from New York who has contacted the Lynch family but does not want to be named for competitive reasons, said: 'This has the makings of an amazing story that could not only make them rich, but make me rich.' The 'symbolic importance of her rescue is not only an amazing story, but it single-handily turned around the mood of the war.'"

Yahoo! News: POW reunited with parents

Rummy, the Bard
Thanks to a link provided by the Brooklyn Hillbilly, we can all read Rummy's poetry. It's way better than what I used to submit in my undergraduate poetry class.

The AP has done one hell of job with the headline on this story:
Two raccoons found in a month in Ohio County
When I used to live in an apartment, I averaged about two raccoons per night on my balcony. The story is about RABID racoons, which is slightly more newsworthy.

Oh my gosh, this is hi-larious - a post from Kevin's war zone blog called Primary Main Objective (link via the A-I Rottweiler).

No surprise -- Pfc. Lynch & family will be focus of tonight's 48 hours of CBS.

An even better story from the Department of Defense about the Iraqi who notified Marines of Pfc. Lynch's location.

Hollywood Calls
I guess we could see all this coming: Hollywood sets its sights on Lynch rescue story -- Producers calling family of rescued W.Va. soldier

ACK!
Some nitwit is currently on MetroNews' Talkline show, hosted by Hoppy Kercheval, saying that Saddam Hussein is not the most evil person to have ever existed, and, in fact, there are many Americans who have done far more evil things. When Hoppy pressed her to give him an example, she immediately supplied the name of Abraham Lincoln. A mind-boggling explanation followed, but here's what it boiled down to: Lincoln was more evil than Hussein because he only "freed" the slaves and didn't give them as much as "a loaf of bread."

Update
Oh good grief - missed this one the first time I checked the Parkersburg News site: The News & Sentinel gives Hawaiian trip to Lynch
"The Parkersburg News & Sentinel and its sister newspaper The Maui (Hawaii) News are donating an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii for Pfc. Jessica Lynch of Palestine." I've heard a radio report that a Parkersburg car dealer has offered her a car in the color of her choice. I assume they meant a new car and not a beat-up Nissan pick-up like the ones the Fedayeen are driving. There are two ways to read the overwhelming outpouring of "goodwill": either people genuinely want to be nice or they just want a piece of the PR action. I imagine there is quite a bit of both going on.

Ugh - Pfc. Lynch press conference at 5 a.m. EST Friday morning. The ugh is in reference to the hour. I'll probably catch the highlights at 7 a.m.

AP: She wasn't shot, stabbed
So now that some of the earlier Washington Post story is refuted, who knows about their "fighting to the last bullet" claim. Numerous new pieces of info in the above story. Quote from Mr. Lynch: "'She didn't have any feeling in her feet,' he said outside his home in this West Virginia hamlet. More surgery was scheduled for Friday on her fractured legs and right arm, he said." Hamlet. Now it's a hamlet. Got that, Brooklyn Hillbilly? We're from a hamlet.

Afternoon update
The Mercury (Australia): 'Fight to death' PoW recovering

Excerpt: "Since the rescue, there has been widespread elation in and around her hometown. 'God's still in the miracle business,' read a sign outside a Baptist church in the tiny town of Elizabeth, which is near Palestine. I wonder if the apostrophe was really in the right place. The Brooklyn Hillbilly can attest to how much I hate apostrophe misuse. That reminds me -- oh please let someone have ripped down the "God Bless R Troops" sign.


This is off topic, but how about these words from Iraq's vice president about the Saudi Arabian foreign minister: "You failure, go to hell," Mr. Ramadan said Tuesday, directing his comments to Prince Saud. "You are too small to talk to the leader of Iraq, and those who will be swept away from the land of the Arab world are people like you. You are a minion and a lackey." Oooooh, them is fightin' words.

Oh good grief. Here's the broadcast version of an AP story. Note the pronunciation of Palestine and the quote from Mr. Lynch. I heard him make far more normal-sounding statements about planning a big celebration. Can they just say that? No, they have to select the "one heck of a big shindig" comment to blast forth across the nation. GAHHHHH! NOTE: A reader disagrees with me, saying that shindig is a perfectly acceptable word for party and is not a word to be embarrassed about. OK, so maybe I'm a little hypersensitive.

Jessica Lynch's family rejoices with word of her rescue
April 02, 2003 10:59 AM
Palestine
As soon as Jessica Lynch returns to Palestine (PAL-ess-tyne), her family plans to celebrate with what her father calls "one heck of a big shindig."

Other WV news
I guess this is why the food at El Ranchero in Parkersburg seemed so authentic.

Restaurant owner charged with harboring illegal aliens
April 02, 2003 9:52 AM Parkersburg
A Parkersburg restaurant owner has been charged with paying smugglers to transport illegal aliens from Mexico to work in his restaurant for less than minimum wage.
Alvaro Morales Munoz is the owner of El Ranchero Mexican Restaurant. He was charged in a criminal complaint filed Monday with aiding and abetting the transportation of aliens and harboring illegal aliens.

Yee-haw, shopping days are here again
Wise signs sales tax holiday into law

Toothless in West Virginia
Oh, this is just great news. Oral health is such a huge issue here in WV, we've called in our arch rivals at Pitt to come down and help us study the folks in Nicholas and Webster Counties. Furthermore, is it really such a huge mystery that it merits a 7-year study?

Pitt researchers to study poor state of dental health in Appalachia
March 31, 2003 4:20 PM
Pittsburgh Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh's School of Dentistry will study why people in Appalachia have bad teeth and gums.
The six-point-three million-dollar grant is the largest ever given to Pitt's dental school by the National Institutes of Health. The Pitt researchers will work with those at West Virginia University's School of Dentistry in the seven-year study.
The researchers will study the health behaviors, economic status, family structure and family environments of patients at Rural Health Consortium Clinics in Webster and Nicholas counties in West Virginia. Blood samples will also be studied to determine if genetics plays a role in the poor dental health of Appalachians.
Researchers know that Appalachian residents have poor teeth and oral health, but don't know what factors play the largest role. If that can be determined, special prevention and treatment programs could be developed.

A few random war musings
* So I guess we can say Peter Arnett is "embedded" (or perhaps simply "in bed with") Saddam's regime? His (Arnett's) buddy George Esper, who currently teaches at a WV institution of higher ed, was interviewed this morning on a WV MetroNews statewide radio show. Esper was taking up for his friend, making excuses like, "Peter's a very accommodating guy," and kind of insinuating that perhaps Arnett got himself into the situation by being "accommodating" and granting an interview to Iraq's state TV, much like the interviews he'd granted to other international media outlets. I can see how it might be scary to say no to a gentle "request" by the Iraqi regime, but surely he wouldn't have HAD to go on like he did, unless he had a gun to his head, and according to what he said this morning on the Today Show, that must not have been the case.

* Have you noticed that retired military guys LOVE the screenwriter?
TV babe: "Now let's go to retired gener---"
Gen. X: "RITA, LET'S GO TO THE SCREENWRITER! CAN WE GO TO THE SCREENWRITER?" blah blah
TV babe: "That's fascinating, Gen. X. So, you think the battle of Baghdad is coming soon?"
Gen. X: "IF WE CAN, LET'S GO BACK TO THE SCREENWRITER..."
TV babe: "What about supplies, Gen. X? Can our troops get all that they need, even though they're deep inside Iraq?"
Gen. X: "We'll be bringing in supplies from a number of directions. If I can go back to the screenwriter..."
You get the picture.
How was war ever waged without use of the blessed screenwriter to analyze it?

Blue Light Special Continued
Unfortunately, the AP picked up the story about the Kimball K-Mart closing: Despite effort to save it, remote West Virginia KMart closing. The story's appeared in newspapers in Georgia, South Dakota, California, Missouri, and Virginia, to name just a few. If you go by this article's definition of remote (25 miles from the nearest "general merchandise store"), the Brooklyn Hillbilly and I spent our first 18 years in a "remote" location.

Confession
If you had any lingering doubts about whether I am or am not a real DORK, then this ought to clear things up for you. I recently purchased the Statler Brothers 30 year Anniversary Celebration CD set. I was brainwashed as a young child, you see. My mom played the records in the afternoons (after we'd finished watching game shows in the morning -- Price Is Right was my favorite), so listening to these songs sort of takes me back to a happier time. I just have to be careful now that it's spring and I'm driving around with my windows rolled down. It's not a good thing to get stopped in traffic with "The Official Historian on Shirley Jean Berrell" blaring, at least not when you live in a college town that moves to the beat of Eminem, 50 Cent, etc.

BTW, I'll have you know that the Statler Brothers were called "America's poets" by Kurt Vonnegut in his book Palm Sunday. So there!

Obit Watch
This creative new death euphemism comes to us from Sunday's Charleston Gazette-Mail:
(name of deceased) of Charleston fell asleep in Christafter a short illness.

Hiatus
Going back to the homeland for the weekend. Taking some shiny beads and strands of ribbon to trade with the natives, 'cause we all know "how those people down there live."

Today's Pfc. Jessica Lynch selected readings
Susan Estrich has written an article mentioning Pfc. Jessica Lynch: When supply lines become front lines - Case of Pfc. Jessica Lynch illustrates incongruence in military rules.
Meanwhile, the Parkersburg News & Sentinel is stretching to find new angles on the story: Sweets pray Lynch is safe

Operation Noble Foster
I signed up for Operation Noble Foster the other day, a program for fostering cats left behind when National Guard & Reserve members are deployed and don't have anyone to take care of their pets. I was looking through some of the profiles already posted on the site to get an idea of what I might say. You're asked to answer a series of questions and then have the chance to say anything you want about yourself and the foster home you can provide. One woman stated that she didn't believe in vaccinations, except for rabies vaccinations because those are required by law, and ever since she quit getting her cats vaccinated their health had improved. She also said that she fed her cats a lot of raw chicken -- "organ meat and thighs." Ewwwwwww. Anticipating responses like mine, I suppose, she also wrote "think of me what you will, but don't knock it till you've tried it." Thanks, but I'll pass. There's just something about the phrase "organ meat" that makes it, well, unsavory.

Blue Light Special
The residents of Kimball (McDowell County) are still pissed about the closing of their K-Mart. These are the same folks who held a prayer vigil when the corporation announced the closing of the store last fall.

This article that appears in today's Charleston Gazette contains several telling statements, such as:

In March 1995, when Kmart opened in Kimball, residents saw it as a godsend, said City Councilman Randy DeLoatch. The city annexed land off U.S. 52 to put the store in town limits. The store provided about half of the town's B&O taxes....."We just want [Kmart] to be gone so we can move on," he said. "I'd like to tell Kmart 'you came to town, you gave us hope and then you left us. So get the hell out.'"

And this is how the article concludes:

Many Kimball residents are older natives, who remember Kimball and McDowell County in their primes during the 1950s and '60s. Dalton has lived in McDowell County all of her life, but even she thought of leaving.
"The county is so depressed, I've prayed to God that I wanted to leave," she said. "But I haven't felt that release, that I should leave. And I think it will get better."

Perhaps it was God who gave Kmart the "release" to leave Kimball.

By the way, I pasted the article into Notepad because I wanted to see how many times the word God appeared in the story. Well, the first time I did the search, I messed it up and got this error message: "Cannot find "god""

Darwin-worthy
A loyal reader has alerted me that the Darwin Awards have added the tragic tale of the Mineral Wells Spitter to their "Slush Pile" under the heading "Tobacco Spitter Spits His Last."

More impressive is this makes a total of 5 confirmed readers of this blog.

Where is Salam?
The Philadelphia Inquirer has an interesting article about Salam and his blog, or, rather, an article examining the phenomenon of Salam and his blog.

Wahhhhhhh! Quick, go look at this picture!

CHA-CHING! Woohoo! Raking in those tax dollars!

Another W.Va. Powerball winner
Thursday March 27, 2003; 10:30 AM
BLUEFIELD -- For the second time in just over three months, a winning Powerball ticket was purchased in West Virginia.
One winning ticket matched all five numbers and the Powerball in Wednesday night's drawing and won the $62.4 million jackpot, lottery officials said today.

Update -
Darn Virginians...
Virginia man claims $62.4 million Powerball jackpot
By the Associated Press
Published April 1, 2003
CHARLESTON, W.Va. -- A Virginia man has claimed last week's $62.4 million Powerball jackpot.

Here's another one to file in the "Fiddling While Rome Burns" folder:

Resolution opposes sale of alcohol from three anti-war nations
March 27, 2003 9:59 AM
Fairmont
The Marion County Commission wants the state to stop selling wine, liquor and beer from France, Germany and Russia because the countries oppose the war in Iraq.

Commissioner Cody Starcher says the resolution is aimed mainly at the French.

Starcher, Commission President James Sago and Commissioner Alan Parks say they know yesterday's resolution is symbolic.

Parks says he has a Great Pyrenees dog and his wife drives an old German car, but he supports the resolution.

Thomas Keeley is commissioner of the state's Alcohol Beverage Control Administration. He says the resolution is the first passed by one of the state's 55 county commissions.

The ABC-A has a monopoly on the sale of liquor. Keeley says the agency will carefully analyze and review the commission's resolution, just as it would any resolution addressed to it by a county commission.

The most shocking thing to me in this story is that someone in Marion County has a Great Pyrenees dog.
Meanwhile, not to be outdone, the French have announced a boycott of West Virginia pepperoni rolls.

I heard a liquor store owner being interviewed on the news last night. The proprietor said, "We don't need Russian vod-kee -- We don't need German vod-kee." I cringed. VOD-KEE. Great. That's just great.

Today's Pfc. Jessica Lynch selected reading
(only one so far -- media frenzy fizzling)
New York Times: Relatives of Missing Soldiers Dread Hearing Worse News

Reprehensible
Imagine my state of panic this morning when I (finally) stumbled out of bed, flipped on the TV to watch Fox & Friends, and instead was greeted by E!. ACK! I checked the channel. Checked the cable connection. What the...? Decided to shower -- perhaps it was an extended spoof on E! that I wasn't awake enough to appreciate. No, still E!. Finally turned to the channel that lists all the programs and had to wait for Fox News to appear. The brilliant minds at Adelphia had switched it from #56 to #33, right beside CNN (#32). I immediately started thinking it was a conspiracy to suppress FoxNews, as these channel changes are normally preceded by an all-out media blitz. Then I noticed that ESPN and ESPN2 had also been relocated and felt slightly comforted.

Soldier 'bloggers' report from war
A CNN article about blogging during the war, from the war and about the war. Thanks to Carolina for the link.

Cabela's store & distribution center coming to Ohio County, WV
OK, at first I wasn't so impressed by this news item, but when I saw pictures of the Dundee, Michigan, store, I have to admit I was impressed. And I'm not exactly a hunting supply kind of girl. But this store is something else -- an indoor trout stream, giant aquariums, a restaurant that serves elk burgers, quail, etc., and 140,000 items in the store. More impressive is that the WV store will be only the 9th Cabela's nationwide, and all of the stores are located in towns with populations under 10,000.
Amazingly, Cabela's Michigan store is that state's #1 tourist attraction.

Spring annoyances
My cats have declared jihad against the resident moths. I can live with the mysterious little things fluttering around my recently-purchased shack, but I can't handle Spooky & Lucille leaping into the bookcase, the mini-blinds and, worst of all, my plant stands while in hot pursuit of the moths.

More genius from the local TV station
This, however, comes from an area Red Cross representative that they interviewed tonight. While describing the various ways people can support the troops through different Red Cross programs, the guy kept repeating something like, "What people really should do is prepare for war at home." Blah blah blah. "People should take the time to prepare for war at home." blah. "People should prepare for war at home. Furthermore, people should prepare for war at home. And, finally, people should prepare for war at home."

Huh?

I realize domestic violence is a problem in WV, but what the hell is this guy meaning? Does he think Maryland is going to move its national guard into WV's eastern panhandle and demand our one prosperous chunk of land?

I hope what he meant to say was "disaster" -- that we should prepare for natural disasters.

In addition to my rant below, I'd like to submit this. I'm sick and tired -- SICK & TIRED, I SAY! -- of hearing these apparently spineless creatures calling into talk radio shows complaining about the constant war coverage. I'm the first to criticize the media (if you've been reading this blog for any length of time you'd know that), but to those people I have to ask the following: Is someone there holding a gun to your head making you watch 24-hour cable news??? No, I don't think so. FLIP THE DAMN CHANNEL! First, pick up the remote. Then dial up ABC, NBC or CBS. They had regular programming last night -- The Practice, Everybody Loves Raymond, even the frigging Miss USA/Fear Factor combo on NBC. You have a brain AND free will. Now go use it and turn the channel, morons.

List updated
I've updated the list of stories about Pfc. Jessica Lynch.

In other news: earth is round, sky blue, grass green

Survey: W.Va. among nation's least-educated states

HUNTINGTON, W.Va. (AP) - A U.S. Census Bureau survey suggests that West Virginia is among the nation's least-educated states. West Virginia has the lowest percentage of people with four-year college degrees and the second-lowest percentage of residents with high school diplomas, according to the report issued last week.

I guess that's why a certain legislator from the eastern panhandle wanted to close two of the state's colleges. Nobody gonna go -- might as well close the damn things! Sure, makes sense.

It said a national-worst 15.9 percent of West Virginians age 25 or older have four-year college degrees, and that 78.5 percent of the state's residents have graduated from high school. Only exas has fewer people with high school diplomas, with 78.1 percent.

Woohoo! Don't mess with Texas! Hey, what about our buddies Mississippi???

For the most part, the study found that across the nation, more education led to more earning potential.

Those who get four-year degrees learn how to make profound deductions like that.

Smart cookie
A very smart Hillbilly Sophisticate reader contacted me via e-mail recently. I was completely shocked because a) I thought I had only 2 regular readers (The Brooklyn Hillbilly and his friend) and b) my e-mail address isn't posted anywhere on this site. But this clever individual, who says she spent 666 days of her life in Parkersburg, WV, figured out my yahoo address based on the links to my cats' pictures. Vewy vewy smart. If there are others of you out there, you can e-mail me at wirt44 at yahoo dot com. Make sure you put the name of this blog in the subject line. I get an inordinate amount of spam and usually just check my yahoo account to delete the spam and keep the account active. A sure way to make sure I don't read your e-mail is to put "bored housewives waiting for you," "I got banged last night!!!," "Teen webcam," and similar phrases in the subject.

BTW, I'm not sure if she actually lived in Parkersburg 666 days or if she picked that number based on the "wonderful" experience she had living there ;-).

For the record
The sign in front of a restaurant along Route 50 in Wood County is STILL misspelled, but this week I notice the sign says: "Pray for Americia." So, either they misspelled it in yet another way, or I missed the first "i" last week. In either case, I find it pathetic that no one working for the restaurant -- or even a concerned passerby -- has noticed this in a full 7 days.

Nerve
A vagrant just asked me for money while I was walking up the sidewalk after going to pick up some lunch (Greek food). Normally, I would feel guilty to say no to a beggar, especially when carrying a plate of food, but this guy was sitting on a bench with a full bottle of Mountain Dew and he was opening a brand new package of cigarettes. So, I didn't feel so guilty. I guess he flunked out of How to Conceal Your Wealth 101 in bum school. Oh sure, 12 oz. of Mountain Dew and a pack of Tourney cigarettes don't really denote extreme wealth, but still, you know what I mean.

Ashleigh "Banished" Banfield
It was so refreshing to see Ashleigh Minefield Banfield relegated to the Ft. Campbell, Ky., assignment during Operation Iraqi Freedom. You could hear the disdain in her voice as she interviewed mostly pro-troop/pro-government people in a diner near Ft. Campbell. She did, however, manage to track down one anti-Bush person -- the cook. She spent so much time questioning him, food started burning and fire alarms began blaring. But then the stupid slut "lucked out" when that nutcase in the 101st rolled those grenades into tents, killing one of his superior officers. The 101st is based in Ft. Campbell, so sweet Ashleigh was in the spotlight with a "real" story to investigate.

This blog is great for those of us stuck at computers all day -- Blogs of War.

Oh good grief.

Man dies after fall from car while trying to spit out tobacco
March 20, 2003 5:13 PM, Mineral Wells, WV
Wood County Sheriff's deputies are investigating an unusual accident in which a man was killed while trying to spit out a mouthful of tobacco.

Forty-two-year-old Howard Johnson of Ravenswood was a passenger in his girlfriend's car Monday morning. As the car was exiting Interstate 77 at Mineral Wells, Johnson opened the door to spit and fell out of the vehicle.

He died the next day from head injuries sustained in the fall.

Hillbilly book list
This is off the topic of the current 24-7 all-war-all-the-time coverage, but who cares. I'm putting the following on my 2005 Christmas wish list: Encyclopedia of Appalachia.

If the Pentagon needs to come up with new phrases (e.g. "shock & awe") and buzzwords, I wish they would turn to the blogosphere. Wouldn't you just pay to hear Rummy say something like this?

"Oh, who cares about the French. They're nothing but a bunch of assclowns. And if you think I'm about to divulge the location of the 82nd Airborne, then you're bigger fucktards than I originally thought. I'll have to send you to Chicago to take to the streets with those rectal goblins protesting Operation Iraqi Freedom. As for Saddam's sons, well, they're little assnuggets,if you ask me. Why don't we turn our attention to Saddam's latest speech, shall we? Can we get that up on the screen? OK, I shall now fisk the Iraqi leader's address to his people."

No, for the love of God, this ain't it
If one more frigging journalist asks in a whining tone, "Is THIS 'shock and awe'?", I'm gonna explode into a hillbilly "shock and awe" rage like the world has never seen.

I can totally see these dim bulbs standing there, with a big mushroom cloud in the background, inquiring, "Is THIS 'shock and awe'? Huh, do you think? Is this it? What are you hearing back in the studio, Bob? Is it 'shock and awe'?"

Hmmm, maybe "shock" and "awe" are the names of nuclear bombs, like "Fat Man" and "Little Boy."

Furthermore, I'm tired of hearing about the journalists "embedded with the troops." I know a few journalists who would love to be "em-bedded" with troops, or damn near anything else with opposable thumbs.

Dense fog
Continued desperate attempts by the local news station to offer international news coverage -- tonight it came in the form of the moronic weatherman giving the forecast (weather, that is) for the Middle East. OK, fine. That's tolerable. But then he said, "So, if American troops do invade Kuwait, they'll have to slightly increasing temperatures." KUWAIT? At least get the right damn country!

Not a target
It came as no surprise to me tonight when the local news reported that "there have been no direct terrorist threats against West Virginia." How can anyone with a half a wit get on TV and say such nonsense?! Oh sure, I know, the plastic-faced blonde bitches just read whatever the script says, but for the love of God -- they could at least grin as they say it to acknowledge the ridiculousness.
Meanwhile, I've been put "on alert" because as soon as the war "breaks out" I have to rush to work to post on the company's website the head of the company's "reaction" to the war. I'm not kidding. It'd be one thing if my employer had something vaguely to do with the military.

Misspellings du jour

Outdoor sign in front of a restaurant in Wood County: "Pray for Amercia"

Pray for "Amercia" and that "Amercians" learn how to spell.

Permanent sign on side of a restaurant in Monongalia County: "Family owned buisness since 1937."

Apparently the family also has been misspelling the most basic of words since 1937.

Readin' and Ritin'
In a slightly related matter, WV legislators are considering giving counties the option of starting the school year earlier, as early as Aug. 11. Not surprisingly, among those adamantly opposed to the idea are the West Virginia Education Association and the West Virginia Federation of Teachers (as reported in today's Charleston Daily Mail).

-30-
In journalism, "-30-" at the end of an article shows that that's the end. I'm not sure anyone actually uses it any more, but that's what was taught to me waaaaay back in high school journalism. I should also note that we used an electric typewriter to write our articles for class. Just to show you how things have changed.

Anyway, today I'm thirty years old and it looks like my story is going to ramble on, in spite of the -30-. I'd planned to write a festive Elizabeth Smart Mad Lib in honor of the occasion, but I'm instead struggling with a personal matter and in no mood for such folly. So I guess you'll just have to tune in next year for that Mad Lib.

And this from a state whose university refers to itself as the "Cocks"
The Hur Herald has the whole story on a South Carolina newspaper columnists remarks about West Virginia. The Hur Herald is, to my knowledge, one of or the only online-only news publication in the state. (Hat tip to the Brooklyn Hillbilly, a regular reader of the Hur Herald)

More brilliance out of Salt Lake City
There's something about this Salt Lake City police chief that really irks me. First of all, why even have a press conference -- or at least don't take questions. I'm the first to admit reporters ask some pretty berzerk and stupid things. One reporter asked where Mitchell got the money to do all the traveling he did. Now that seems like a pretty good question to me. Not that they're going to answer it, but still, it's pretty logical. Where does a homeless guy get the cash to travel to San Diego? The police chief retorts, "GOD," snickers, and moves on to the next question. Good grief, at least say you're investigating and don't want to comment. What a jackass.

And speaking of jackasses...
I'm presently cheering for Syracuse to down Georgetown in the Big East tournament. It takes a lot for a Mountaineer to cheer for the Orangemen, but that's what I'm doing 'cause I don't think Jim Boeheim would hurl obscenities at an elderly man. I was heartened to hear the Boston College play-by-play announcer Ted Sarandis mention tonight on WV MetroNews' Sportline that Craigie E. had had some "problems" at Georgetown. He also insinuated that the only reason Craigie E. was still hanging on to his job was because of John Thompson's lingering dictatorship influence on the Georgetown program. These comments followed a most-impressive, unprovoked speech (by Sarandis) singing the praises of WVU coach John Beilein.

I'm already dreading the day when some school steals Beilein away from us. And you know who I fear most? Syracuse. Jim Boeheim has been there 27 years and surely retirement will be coming sometime in the coming years. Wouldn't that be just the place for our JB to finish out his career -- back in his homeland? I really hope I'm wrong, but I just can't imagine us having the money to keep him here for the rest of his career.

P.S. Syracuse has won. Thank you, Jim Boeheim -- keep coaching a very long time.

Go ahead and take the jewelry, just don't mess with my 4-wheeler!
Oooooh, big crime wave in my home county, as the Parkersburg News reports today. Luckily, none of my relatives own 4-wheelers (or 3 wheelers, for that matter), so I don't have to worry about thieves targeting my "kin-folk."

Smart Bombshell
I watched the "Elizabeth Smart is Found" pep rally press conference. I'm glad the girl is alive and seems to be well, but is it really appropriate to act with such giddiness when it's taken 9 months to find her? And was it appropriate for the Salt Lake City police chief to comment enthusiastically that Elizabeth looked just like her pictures and was "a very attractive young lady"?

Teletubbies take Kentucky
I can only hope they are content with the Bluegrass State and don't try to cross the border. Ipse Dixit has a startling image of the new Kentucky license plate. Kind of makes me thankful for our non-descript plates.

Obit watch
From the Sometimes It's Better To Say Nothing At All Dept., we have this from an obituary in one of the state newspapers:

"He was a member of VFW, his hobbies included golfing and fishing and he was a former coffee drinker."

Shopping rant
I go in to Elder Beerman and, as one of 5 customers in the entire store, I'm expecting exemplary service since there appears to be a glut of sales personnel. Wrong. I find a woven placemat on the discount shelf that I think might be worth the 98 cents on the tag. I am then turned down by not one, but TWO worthless sun-baked skanks who claim their cash registers are closed. Neither offer any hints as to where I might find an open register.

Geographically-challenged Yankees
A rare visit from the Brooklyn Hillbilly brought entertaining news of how his Manhattan colleagues view the Mountain State. One of the most amusing to me is the apparently widely-held notion that WV is part of The South, to the same extent that states like Georgia (Jah-juh) and Mississippi (Miss-sippy) are in The South.
Sure, technically most of the state is below the Mason Dixon line, but the South? That seems bizarre -- I identify more with Pennsylvania and New Jersey than Louisiana (Looz-ee-anna).
Of course, part of this sentiment is likely traced to another widely-held belief -- that WV is not its own state, but is, in fact, a territory of Virginia. And since Va. is historically tied to the South -- well, maybe that's the connection. The Brooklyn Hillbilly has had to explain the news of our succession from Va. on numerous occasions, using as verification the outline of WV on the weather maps shown on the NY TV stations. What -- did they think there was a big circular RIVER running through Virginia? How can otherwise wordly people be so stupid about a large tract of land not too far to their southwest?

One more word on Georgetown's Craigie E.
I heard it straight from the clock operator's mouth that yes, he was berated by the Georgetown coach after Georgetown's win at the Coliseum. To understand why I'm outraged by this, you have to picture this little, quiet older man. He's been running the clock at games for decades. Now, yes, that may not be the best advertisement for someone responsible for operating equipment during a fast-paced college basketball game. But what about Craigie E.? It takes a special kind of jackass to curse at a grandfatherly man and allege that he tried to cheat.

"Books Not Bombs" bombs
I ought to provide a lengthy commentary on the local pathetic excuse for an anti-war protest which was billed as a "student walk-out," but I quit taking it seriously when I heard one of the student organizers on the radio this morning saying something to this effect:
"Yeah, we're hoping a lot of students come out. We're having it at 12:15 because that's when classes let out and most students will be done with their classes. That way they can come to the rally and not have to miss their classes, or at least not a whole day of classes."
Um, isn't that the idea of a "student walk-out"? Don't you need to WALK OUT of something -- like class?

Crying Craigie E
Sorry, I can't let it go quite yet. The last time he eked out a victory over the WVU Mountaineers, sweet Craigie E went out of his noggin complaining that his linebacker center had been manhandled by the Mountaineers. This time, after once again knocking off WVU in a very close match riddled with questionable officiating calls, Craigie E delivered a post-game "obscenity-laced tirade" to the CLOCK OPERATOR for what he perceived as a blatant attempt by the CLOCK OPERATOR to rob the poor little Hoyas of the victory. He blamed the CLOCK OPERATOR, not the officials for failing to signal to start the clock. Good Lord, this man needs medication, not to mention a clue -- preferably delivered upside the head with considerable force.

Craigie E can rest assured that people who work at sporting events year after year (and the WVU clock operator falls into this category) possess no urge to single-handedly influence the outcome of a game. You sit there and do the best you can do because, naturally, you want to do the best you can do, and you also know there will be hell to pay if you don't. Screwing up on national TV is even more embarrassing, and trying to control the clock to benefit the home team is definitely something that would be noticed.

The info about Craigie E, by the way, is reported by WVU play-by-play announcer Tony Caridi and was broadcast statewide just now on MetroNews Sportsline. Tony sits just a few seats down from the clock operator, so he was in the prime location to overhear said tirade.

Big Monday: Georgetown 69-WVU 67
Chalk up a "W" for the Big East Conference officials. In a purely dazzling display of fuckwittery, the brilliant three-man crew of John Clougherty, Tony Greene, and Reggie Greenwood (who I usually like, by the way) engineered a much-needed victory for Georgetown. I've watched a great deal of college basketball over the past 5 or so years. Typically, I think I keep a pretty open mind because I work during the games and have to see "the big picture."

Sometimes officiating crews just seem to call the game for a particular team. I've seen it happen a couple of times, but I think this was the most blatant example of it. I don't think they set out to do it. I suppose it's possible, but I don't give the guys enough credit to sit around and plan such a thing. Instead, I think it's subconscious, or maybe I just choose to think it's not intentional because the alternative is too sickening. Perhaps the officials were remembering when meek, mild-mannered Craigie E went cracker dog* following the first WVU-Georgetown game.

One interesting observation -- during the announcement of the starting line-ups, the Georgetown assistant coaches and many of the players clapped their hands over their ears in anticipation of the ceremonial firing of the musket by the Mountaineer mascot. As if the sound of gunfire is completely foreign to those living in the DC metro area.

And just one more thing about Craigie E -- I can't stand the way he struts out in the middle of the floor during time outs and stands there with his hands on his hips in manner of JC Penney catalog underwear model.

*The term "cracker dog" comes from the James Herriott book series (e.g. All Creatures Great and Small) and refers to a dog who's acting crazy.

Thanks to the Talking Dog, I've found another West Virginia blogger. John's blog is way more serious than mine. By serious I mean in-depth, thoughtful, informed, and about real issues. I'm just a troubled loner spouting off on various and sundry issues and, of course, critiquing the hopelessly pathetic obits of the local papers.

Now here's something I think most West Virginians will enjoy: International Eat an Animal for PETA Day. As you all know, West Virginia's obesity rate ranks second in the nation -- damned Mississippi edged us out for the top spot. Oh well, there's always rate of toothlessness. But anyway, back to eating animals! I encourage West Virginians to enjoy this new holiday sensibly -- say, by eating some nice lean chicken strips stir-fried with vegetables. I, daughter of a former TRAPPER (yes, as in catching animals in traps and selling the fur), will likely celebrate the occasion with some seafood. As March 15 is dreadfully close to my 30th birthday, the seafood will likely be of the deep-fried variety (who wants to diet when old age is staring you in the face??).