We need a way to respond to intimate partner violence that doesn't create a burden for victims

A recent Ask A Manager letter:

A couple of days ago, I was walking my normally well-behaved large dogs when another dog charged them, unprovoked, and they tripped me, and I ended up hitting the sidewalk hard. Thankfully the other owner ran to get my partner (I was a block away from home) and my partner took me to the ER. I have a concussion, a small fracture in my rib, and various other bruises and bumps. But what is most noticeable is my black eye. I hit my head just above my eyebrow and my eye looks like someone drew on me with a purple sharpie, and since I’m very pale, it’s not going away soon.

I took a few days off from work and screens but since I primarily work from home and have a bunch of Zoom meetings backed up, I’m back at it on a limited basis. My team was shocked when they saw my face, but they have all been supportive and said it’s fine and they’ll get used to it. My problem is outsiders! Most of my meetings are on camera, and I feel weird saying I want to be off camera because of a face injury (sounds worse than it is) but then if I’m on camera it is very distracting and I can feel people staring.

An added complication is that some of the organizations I meet with support people who have experienced domestic violence, and I look like a poster child for getting punched in the face. (In my case the assailant was the sidewalk, but from the way I look you wouldn’t know that.) So my look is very triggering. In a couple of days, I could probably use some makeup on it, but it’s too tender for that right now. I just need an easy way to explain away this massive black eye that doesn’t sound dismissive.

 

This is a problem many women I know have encountered, myself included - you have bruises or injuries, and then have the additional burden of people thinking you're a victim of intimate partner violence.

 

Let's stop and think about that for a second: it's a burden if people think you're a victim of intimate partner violence.

 

The fact that it is a burden is unhelpful. This makes things worse for everyone.

 

And it absolutely is a burden! People don't believe you when you say you are in fact safe, so you have the burden of trying to convince them. (See the time I walked into a door and was trying to think of a plausible cover story because no one would believe me.) Sometimes, even if they let it drop, they think you're lying to them. This can be a problem in medical contexts, where a doctor sees you as less than credible (and perhaps even puts it in your file) because you told them your bruises from moving equipment were from moving equipment.

On top of that, sometimes, in some contexts, by some people, you're seen as unstable if they think your relationship is unstable. Sometimes people (especially employers) think an unstable relationship means you have poor judgment. Sometimes they think it means you're unreliable. This can be detrimental in many areas of life (as it's also detrimental for actual victims of abuse!)

 

 

This is a problem! So what can we do about it?

 

I don't actually know, but here are a couple of starting points for brainstorming: 

1. What if we adjusted help/resources for victims of intimate partner violence so they could get exactly the same support and outcomes even if no one reached out to them? 

 

My first thought on writing this was "But abusers try to isolate their victims," but on further thought, maybe resources need to be just as available even if no one reaches out to you for that very reason? 

 

Currently, what does the person who reaches out bring into the situation? (I'm genuinely asking - I don't actually know what you're supposed to do next. Maybe this is something I should learn.) Could this contribution be added instead at a systemic/structural level, so victim can connect with help even if no individual takes the individual action of reaching out to them?

 

2. What if we normalize the idea of only offering to help if you genuinely have something specific to offer? 

 

There's a strong narrative - evident in some of the Ask A Manager comments - that you can't just say nothing if someone is being abused! 

 

But if you were to say something, what happens next? In other words, if you comment on your co-worker's black eye and ask if they're being abused, what's the plan if they say yes? What can you bring to the situation that they can't do themselves?

 

 

When I was a young adult and my social circle was making the transition from "pregnancy is obviously unwanted" to "pregnancy is frequently wanted", I was given a piece of advice to keep me from making an ass of myself: "If this pregnancy were unwanted, are you the person they'd be going to for help?" 

 

Thinking about it this way took some adjustment - for a brief period of time, I (in my capacity as someone who had left the church and moved to the city) was actually the person casual acquaintances might go to, even if just "I'm going to tell my parents you invited me to a girls' night out and a sleepover - play along!"

 

But when the pregnant acquaintance is someone who lives in the same city as me and has just as much agency as me, they don't need my help.

 

 

Grasping that nuance helps me respond more appropriately to unexpected pregnancy announcements. Maybe it would also help people respond more appropriately to suspected intimate partner violence?

 

I don't know the answer, but I do know that we need to adjust something, because it doesn't help anyone if people thinking you're a victim of intimate partner violence creates a burden on you - especially if you actually are a victim of intimate partner violence.

Books read in December 2024

1. Encore in Death by J.D. Robb

2. Natural Causes: An Epidemic of Wellness, the Certainty of Dying, and Killing Ourselves to Live Longer by Barbara Ehrenreich

Horoscopes

Today I am 44, which is significant because I started working as a translator at 22.

Even though my birthday horoscopes stopped being accurate several years ago, I continue to keep track of them.

 

Toronto Star:

You’re perceptive, discerning and soulful. Skimming the surface of life isn’t for you. You would prefer to explore the depths instead. In relationships, you crave substance and integrity. Many would say you’re loyal and devoted to those you love, and you’d likely agree. You often achieve many successes and wins because you always stay prepared for any opportunity and are always willing to do the necessary work. You possess an enterprising spirit and a clever mind. You’re also patient, level-headed and resilient. This year, you will thrive with a glass-half-full approach rather than one where the glass is half-empty.

Globe and Mail:

Get serious about your ambitions and start making those small but necessary changes that will help clear a path from where you are now to where you most want to be. A succession of measured steps will add up to a massive leap forward.

Books read in November 2024

1. Children of the Fox by Kevin Sands

2. Desperation in Death by J.D. Robb

Books read in October 2024

 1. Abandoned in Death by J.D. Robb

Things They Should Invent: handyman service as a condo amenity

One benefit of living in a well-run rental apartment building is the on-site superintendent handles home repairs for you. However, in a condo, you're responsible for your own repairs, which means you have to hire someone if the repair is out of your skill set.

But there are hundreds of units in a condo building, all of which started out with the same appliances and plumbing fixtures and door frames. 

What if they all pooled their resources and hired an on-site handyman-type maintenance person who would do in the in-suite repairs and odd jobs that are normally the resident's jurisdiction?

Some quick back-of-envelope math: if a maintenance makes $100,000 a year (nice round number) and there are 500 residents in the building (like there are in my building), it would cost everyone $200 a year - or $16 a month - to have on-site on-demand maintenance service for all the things that would normally be the resident's jurisdiction. Not bad, considering there's usually a minimum charge of about $100 for a tradesperson to even come out to see you, not to mention the peace of mind of knowing who to call (and not having to figure out who's a competent tradesperson and who's a scam, and not having to figure out what kind of tradesperson to call for your specific problem when it's not glaringly obvious - I mean, whose job is "my blind won't open" or "my soft close hinges no longer close softly" or "the handle fell off my window"???)

One benefit of living in a condo rather than a rental building is that there isn't a profit motive - they can spend condo fees on things that are convenient for residents, solely on the grounds that they're convenient for residents. For example, my condo hires professional window washers to wash the balcony windows, which is a marginal cost for each household but makes everyone's life significantly easier by taking away an irritating chore.

This would also make everyone's quality of life easier, by taking away all kind of irritating chore.

The first arch

There's a conspiracy theory that aliens taught humans to build pyramids, but I find that unlikely, 

because making a big pile of rocks that's narrower at the top than at the bottom seems super intuitive to me.

But something that humans have built since before recorded history that's much less intuitive is the arch.

It is well known that an arch is the strongest structure, but making one seems like it would be particularly difficult - you'd have to take straight things and shape them somehow into a consistent, load-bearing curve! It seems like that would take a lot of extra work and a lot of expertise that wouldn't necessarily exist if no one had ever done it before.

Added to that, it doesn't seem to me like it would be intuitive that arches would be strong, especially if no one has seen one before. I can't think of any examples of load-bearing arches that occur in nature. I've seen some of those things where water ran under a rock and then receded, but they've always looked to me like they might fall down any second, not that they're an architectural tool that should be emulated.

So who first thought of the idea of building an arch? How did they figure out how to do it? And did they think it would be strong and therefore build it, or did they build it just for fun/art/bragging rights? If they didn't realize at the outset that it would be strong, how did they figure out that it is strong?

(Might there be some other, stronger shape out there that hasn't occurred to us yet?)

Books read in August 2024

1.  Forgotten in Death by J.D. Robb

2. 21 Things You May Not Know About the Indian Act by Bob Joseph

Analogy for being in a fandom where the creator turns out to be harmful

Being in a fandom where the creator turns out to be harmful is like being a smoker.

 

First it's just something you see around, you see other people engaging with, so one day you think "I'm seeing that around a lot, I think I'll give it a try and see what it's all about."

 

And then you're hooked.

 

And then you find out about the harm.

 

At this point, some people are strong enough to quit cold turkey and walk away forever.

 

Some people aren't strong enough to quit immediately, but will eventually break the habit.

 

And some people will never manage to break the habit.

 

 

Some people don't like to admit that they aren't strong enough to break the habit, so they go around belligerently blustering or making excuses or telling each other it's Good, Actually. 

But the important thing, once you learn about the harm, is to keep the habit contained in designated areas, so those who specifically want to avoid it can easily do so, and so your inability or unwillingness to break the habit doesn't harm other people who are just trying to go about their lives.

And it's also important to avoid indulging your habit in a way that, intentionally or not, promotes it, glamorizes it, makes it trend, or otherwise leads unsuspecting people who are unaware of the harm to think "I'm seeing that around a lot, I think I'll give it a try and see what it's all about."

Books read in July 2024

Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey

Books read in June 2024

1. City of Brass by S. A. Chakraborty

2. Coronation Year by Jennifer Robson

Magic words: "come across as"

Sometimes you want to guide people away from a particular word choice because it sounds racist or otherwise hateful. But if you say "Dude, you can't say that, that's racist!" they'll start arguing that they're not racist. Which distracts from the issue at hand of adjusting word choice.

I've found a more effective way to convey this can be "That could come across as racist," especially if you add "[other word choice] would come across better." 

The benefit of "come across as" is it doesn't even get into what the thing is. It's simply the impression that it gives. If your interlocutor is someone who feels that they are good and well-intentioned and people just keep misinterpreting them, this aligns with their self-concept.

When writing alt text, answer the question: "What am I looking at here?"

A common piece of advice when writing alt text is "How would you describe it to a friend?"

Building on this, a variation I've found useful is to imagine your friend responds to your post with "What am I looking at here?"

 

For example, suppose your post is:

What an asshole!

[img]

 

Your friend replies with "What am I looking at here?"

The answer might be "The white truck somehow managed to take up four parking spaces!" or "That guy's hat is ridiculous!" or "Remember Jim who used to beat me up in middle school? That's him walking down the street!"

Suppose your post is:

I had a visitor today!

[img]

 

Your friend asks "What am I looking at here?"

The answer might be "A tiny little floofy bird perched on my window ledge and let me get super close to take a picture!" or "My friend who's been living in England came over to visit!" or "I'm babysitting my baby cousin!"

The phrasing of the alt text wouldn't be precisely the same as the phrasing of your response to "What am I looking at here?", but your answer to that question helps you pinpoint what needs to be included and emphasized in your alt text.

Things They Should Invent: web interface for Too Good To Go

I recently learned about an app called "Too Good To Go", which lets you buy food that's close to expiry at a discount, to help reduce food waste.

Problem: it's only an app. There's no web interface whatsoever.

This means you have to download the app not just to place an order, but also to see what restaurants are on it and what they charge for the discounted food - basically to find out whether it even has the possibility to be useful to you!

This is an accessibility issue for some people (browsers can be more easily customized with accessibility tools), a pain point for me personally (whenever I'm ordering food I'm already at a computer, so having to dig out a smaller, less user-friendly device is an additional layer of inconvenience), and also makes me suspicious.

Generally, when companies try to push you towards an app for something that can easily be done with a website, it's because they're trying to collect user data or prevent users from blocking ads or tracking. 

Given that everywhere I order food from has a web interface, I can't imagine any technical reason why this would need to be app only. Which makes me wonder if there's an ulterior motive.

Even if there is some technical reason why Too Good To Go wouldn't be able to make a web interface, they should at least let participating restaurants include Too Good To Go bags on their own online ordering web interfaces, so existing customers don't have to switch devices to take advantage of this very useful initiative!

Things They Should Invent: "What should I grow in my garden?" calculator

The question of what to grow in your garden is complex. 

What foods do you like? What quantities of them are you feasibly going to use? What kind of land and/or planters are available to you? What can grow in your local climate? What's your skill level? How much time can you realistically invest? There might also be questions of cost-effectiveness, if that's a decision factor for you.

Someone should invent an online calculator that works this out. You input all the variables, and it tells you the optimal balance of different plants to grow. Maybe you can even adjust it for results year to year, i.e. "Last year you told me to plant 3 tomato plants and I had way too many tomatoes"

Books read in April 2024

 New:

 

1. The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune

2. Pyramids by Terry Pratchett

 

Reread:

 

1. Faithless in Death

How I excised dessert forks from my life and from my memory

I was recently pondering why a standard silverware set has two sizes of spoons, but only one size each of forks and knives.

Googling around the idea, I discovered that commercially-available silverware sets do in fact have two sizes of forks - regular forks, and smaller dessert forks.

But why doesn't mine have those?

Then I remembered why I swore off dessert forks...

Once upon a time, back when we were small children, my sister was setting the table. She put a regular fork at every place setting except mine. At my place setting, she put a dessert fork, saying it's a smaller, baby fork because I'm a baby.

I didn't want to be a baby! I didn't want the humiliation of eating with a small baby fork when everyone else is eating with proper grownup forks!

So I stopped using them.

When one appeared at my place setting, I'd swap it out for a normal fork. When we were having cake, I'd use a normal fork. I never once touched or even thought about dessert forks.

 

Fastforward 15ish years.

I was preparing to move into my own apartment by appropriating kitchenware from my parents' kitchen. I took some forks and some knives and some big spoons and some little spoons, and didn't take any of the other irrelevant objects in the cutlery drawer.

I start out with what I appropriated from my parents, building my cutlery drawer over the years with a trip to Kitchen Stuff Plus whenever I ran out of something before the dishwasher got full. I never sought out new types of cutlery because I never had any reason to, just kept buying more of the same.

 

 

And after approximately 20 years of proceeding this way (and, perhaps, with the help of a head injury), my brain at some point deleted and overwrote the very existence of dessert forks.

All because one time my sister wanted to mock me via the medium of silverware.

Hotel Hollywood (elementary school play)

When I was in elementary school (so sometime between 1985 and 1990), my school put on a school play called Hotel Hollywood.

I wasn't in the play, but it really stuck with me - I even mentally wrote what I didn't yet know was called fanfiction about it.

However, I'm not able to find any evidence of its existence on the recorded internet.

So here is everything I can remember about the elementary school play called Hotel Hollywood, which I encountered in the 1980s, but might be older than that.

- There was a character called Quiggley and a character called Quiggy. I remember them as being unaffiliated with each other, although in retrospect that seems less likely. (Although I also remember experiencing the emotion of being surprised that Quiggley and Quiggy were unaffiliated with each other, so perhaps it was a deliberate red herring.)

- One of the characters was a Shirley Temple expy with her hair in ringlets.

- One of the characters was a girl whose father made her dress up as a boy so she could be a partner in his business. (The play was set in the non-specific (to my child self) Olden Days when a girl couldn't be a partner in a business.)

- When the girl dressed as a boy comes out as a girl, she sings a song that starts with "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm gonna let my hair flow free."

- The only other song I remember from the play:

We're gonna be in the movies

We're gonna be in the movies

A Hollywood motion picture show

We're gonna be in the movies

We're gonna be in the movies

A Hollywood star that everyone will know

I want to sing the latest love song

Step the latest dance

Be a hero! Be a clown!

Comedy or romance

We're gonna be in the movies

The glitter glamour movies

A Hollywood motion picture show!

Books read in March 2024

 1. How She Read by Chantal Gibson