Syrian, Chinese Cops Praise Indiana Supreme Court Decision

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - Police states around the world have hailed an Indiana Supreme Court ruling that citizens have no right to resist unlawful police entry into their homes. "At last, a modern common-sense decision," said Adad Al Hamwi, sniper for Syria's National Security Directorate. Al Hamwi took a moment out from shooting demonstrations in the southern Syrian city of Daraa to comment on the 3-2 decision. "By placing the blame for violent escalation firmly on citizens, the Indiana court has freed up the police to be dynamic and creative. Where is the fun in police work if anyone can defend their home? You couldn't kick in a door, or try out a new battering ram, without some criminal hiding behind this insane American 4th Amendment." Al Hamwi squeezed off two quick shots, dropping a sign-waving protester over two-hundred meters away. "You see the danger I was just in? That sign could put out an eye. That's why it's better for police to have all the rights."

Across the world in Tibet, Chinese Armed People's Police officer Li Feng couldn't have agreed more. "I was beating a monk inside a temple the other day when I thought, 'What if I had no right to storm in here on a whim? Where would the security of the state and the police be then?" However Feng believed there should be limitations. "Authorities should never invade the home of judges like Justice Steven David [who wrote the majority decision]. That would be dishonorable." Asked what recourse Chinese citizens had if the police crashed into their house, Feng paused thoughtfully. "I suppose after several years in the gulag they could write a letter or something. But only if it didn't hurt the feelings of police. Justice David would understand that."(Image: apfn.org)

First Lady Invites Berserk Naked Racist to White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Taking heat for inviting controversial rapper Common to a White House poetry event, Michelle Obama upped the ante by extending an invitation to the berserk naked man who stripped on a New York City subway train, shouted racial slurs and fought with passengers until finally subdued by police. White House spokesman Jay Carney defended the First Lady's decision. "As I understand it, this man engaged in an act of performance art as defined by the National Endowment of the Arts. And while the president certainly doesn't agree with many aspects of this man's actions, we feel his desire for racial exclusion mirrors those of Common. In addition, his work has been praised by critics writing in the Berserk Naked Racist Quarterly. We understand the man has been working with children, stressing how they need to express racial preferences aloud on public transportation. We welcome him and his socially conscious, underrepresented style of communication to the White House poetry reading. We're scheduling him last, just in case his bail doesn't get posted." (Image: gawker.com)

Bin Laden Watched Reruns of 'Moesha'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Government officials today released several videos captured from Osama Bin Laden, including a tape of the late terrorist leader watching DVDs of cancelled UPN series, Moesha. According to a translation provided with the tape, Bin Laden asks someone offscreen why Moesha, played by Brandy Norwood, doesn't have numerous children as she appears to be 'fertile as a river delta.' The series which ran from 1996 to 2001 was apparently a Bin Laden favorite along with MSNBC prime time newscasts. In an interesting twist, Bin Laden believed MSNBC was actually an Al Jazeera news parody program like the Daily Show where actors mocked and criticised former President Bush for several hours a night.

But the strangest tape showed Bin Laden arguing with a camera operator as they attempted to film an infomercial for something called The Beard Club for Men. Bin Laden holds up an unlabeled plastic tube filled with liquid. The camera operator complains that without a label the liquid—thought to be a beard thickener—won't 'read.' Bin Laden argues they need the close up for a split screen image they'll build in post showing both the liquid and Osama sporting a rich luxuriant beard fluttering like a flag. Bin Laden explains he'll then voice over, 'I'm not just the Beard Club president, but I'm also a client by the will of Allah, may the prophet be praised. Now shoot it the way I want or you're scorpion meat.'

Other tapes consist of short vignettes including one of Bin Laden playing a joke on a guard by putting Nair in the man's turban.
(Image: vidiot.com)

Al Qaeda Pilgrims Perish Seeking Bin Laden Resting Place

ARABIAN SEA - Nineteen Al Qaeda pilgrims are believed drowned after leaping from a cargo vessel in an attempt to worship at the burial spot of executed terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Deposited into the ocean by U.S. Special Operations Forces following a brief ceremony, Bin Laden's remains are believed occupying an undisclosed location on the bottom of the Arabian Sea.

Captain Hobart Langke of the cargo ship S.S. Flan reported today that he took aboard nineteen Al Qaeda fighters in the port of Aden who wished passage to Bin Laden's "shrine." According to the fighters, the undisclosed burial spot had been declared a holy shrine by the Grand Mullah of South Mecca, a less holy shrine in its own right built to handle overflow crowds from the original, much holier, Mecca.

"I was very frightened," said Langke. "They had weapons and bombs and stringy beards with crackers and insects stuck in the hair. To them I say, 'The U.S. dumped the body in the sea. But where I don't know? And so they say, 'Hatred of Jew America and the Holy Koran will guide us.' And I say, 'Very well. That's 35 Euro a head—in advance.'"

After steaming several hours out of port, Langke stated the Al Qaeda pilgrims ordered him to stop all engines and drop anchor. Langke explains, "We're in the middle of nowhere and suddenly they all scream and burn an American flag and leaped overboard. It was like a pool party with a very unhappy ending. Later, I noticed several towels and ashtrays missing from the passenger lounge. I think they took them along when they jumped into the sea. Who benefits from that?"
(Image: hollywoodgo.com)

Army Helicopters Renamed After Radicals

FORT CAMPBELL, KY - Times they are 'changing at the home of the 101st Air Assault Division as the army removes all Indian designations from helicopters and replaces them with the names of prominent American radicals. "Native American people are sick and tired of being singled out for war-like qualities," said Assistant Secretary for Indian Affairs Larry Echohawk. "What of our chanting and casinos? And the worst offender is the U.S. Army and their insensitive Indian-themed helicopters."

Spurred by Native American criticism of 'Geronimo' as code name for Osama Bin Laden, President Obama informed the Secretary of Defense that Indian names had to go. After an exhaustive study, the President decided the aircraft should be designated after radicals he knew and admired. "Make no mistake," said the President. "Nothing frightens our foes or cheers our friends more than knowing that heavily-armed aircraft are overhead named after our most concerned, outspoken citizens."

Preliminary reports indicate that Blackhawk helicopters will now be called the MH-6M Bill Ayers. The Kiowa Warrior Scout Helicopter has been redesignated the Bell OH-58 Bernardine Dohrn, while the Apache Attack Helicopter will now carry the title AH-64A/D Saul Alinsky.

In addition, the Alinsky Attack Helicopter is undergoing a fundamental redesign. The new Alinksy will be programmed to label other American helicopters "racist haters" and  encourage unwary aircraft to accept that label and attack them. According to the Department of Defense, future versions of all three choppers will include weapons software that fires automatically at corporations as well as individuals earning over $250,000 a year—excluding sports figures, Hollywood stars, and the Kennedys. 
(Images: Warplanes Online Community and friendburst.com)

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! I Mean, um, Is That All Right to Chant Now?

Iowahawk muses over mercurial patriotism.
h/t: Little Miss Attila

Jubilant White House Wakes Joe Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Ecstatic over the killing of Osama Bin Ladin, the White House took the unusual step of waking Joe Biden from his pre-noon nap and telling him the news. Initially, the Vice-President was so excited he freed a number of reporters locked in various closets by his staff. But soon the sleepy Biden was nodding, snapping his head up, dabbing at the drool rolling down his chin like a gentle mountain stream, before eventually returning to deep rem sleep. The White House denies the Vice-President is generally asleep, referring to Biden's state as 'dynamic meditation.' Whatever the term may be, sources were clear that the Vice-President would not be disturbed again except for standing alerts to inform him when the administration is out of power or he is required to assume the Presidency.
(Image: kqbr.com)