Happy New Year's Eve

I hope everyone has a wonderful evening.

I'm spending mine at home, with the man I love, in the house I adore, with the animals who are like my children.

Life does not get any better than this.

Goodbye 2010.

HELLO 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010 in review...the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Merry Christmas to everyone!!!!!

I thought I would write one last blog post this 2010 year. And what a year it has been. Don't get me wrong, it was a good year, but it has also been bad and ugly (but aren't all years like that, in some way, shape, or form?).

Our good for 2010 is that we got to reconnect with John's sisters and are working at becoming close again. We are getting the opportunity to watch our adorable niece grow up before our eyes, thanks to modern technology! Her giggles and smiles melt my heart, and I look forward to the day when I hear her little voice call me "Aunt Kristen". I feel as if 2010 has been an awesome year with my family. I feel so incredibly close to my parents and my sister and brother-in-law, and that makes me happy more than words can express. We laugh together, we talk daily, and we love being in each others company. I am so blessed to have such a great family. And it wouldn't be right if I didn't mention John. This year we had time to reconnect with each other. For the last four years we had been undergoing infertility treatment after infertility treatment. For those who have never experienced IF, the whole process can be so daunting. This year, with no doctor's appointments, no needles, no blood draws, etc., John and I got to enjoy life. It sounds funny to say, but we were able to live this year without wondering how we were going to pay for treatment, when to do the shots, etc. It was refreshing. And lastly, I can't blog without talking about being a home owner...wow. John and I just love our house. Yes, there are stressful times but all-in-all, this is OUR home, and I love it here. I hope 2011 will allow for good health and good times for everyone in our lives.

But with the good comes the bad. 2010 has been a hard year on John with his dad and step-mom. For two people who seemed to support us and care for us and encourage us to visit John's sisters in August, they certainly changed their tune after we visited with the girls (I should mention that John's dad and step-mom have been estranged from his sisters for over two years now). Then in September John's step-mom said horrible things about all four of us (John, both of his sisters, and me). That was pretty much the nail in the coffin as far as John's relationship with his dad goes. I wish there was something I could say to get my father-in-law, the one John looks up to and admires, to understand that his son is an incredible man. John has a good job, is a contributing member of society, treats me with love and respect, and has a heart of gold. But his dad just doesn't and WON'T see all the good John is. Nothing John does is good enough for his dad. John's dad would rather not have his son in his life, and it is eating John up. I just don't know how to comfort John, and that breaks my heart. I hope 2011 will allow John some time to heal and perhaps move on, as I don't see a resolution any time soon.

And the ugly of 2010? Yet another year comes to a close and we still have a 3rd bedroom waiting to be filled with our child. I know above I wrote about how nice it was for John and I to have a year off when it comes to infertility treatments, and I know I walk around most of the time with a smile on my face saying "it's okay...we'll adopt one of these days", but the truth is, I'm crying inside. The yearning to be a mom has not gone away. I don't know if it will ever go away. I wish adoption wasn't so costly. I wish we had the chance of becoming parents "the normal way", but as days pass and time flies away, I'm beginning to understand that adoption is becoming our "normal way" of having a family, and with each day I'm better understanding and accepting this. In 2011 I hope to be able to take a few more steps down the adoption path, so that maybe this time next year I won't be talking about the "ugly" part of not being a mom.

Now I won't end this on a sad note...2011 is going to be a good year. Three of my great friends are getting married, and I get to be a bridesmaid in one of their weddings, so with weddings come bridal showers and bachelorette parties, so I'm looking forward to that. 2011 is going to be a year where I get to see old friends and visit family too, so that is something else I'm looking forward to.

And I'm especially excited to see what 2011 has in store for me of which I could never imagine. Bring it on, 2011!

Christmas Card 2010

Well, it's done! Our Christmas card, that is! After messing around on the Shutterfly website for WAY too long, I finally found one that I liked and that looked good with our picture. First I started with two pictures, then decided one would be sufficient. Well, once I made the decision to downgrade to one picture, it then took me over 30 minutes to decide on a card I liked. And there were plenty which were in the running. Now that all is said and done, I'm really happy with the one I chose.

I was going to share what our card looks like, but I have a few readers who will be getting a card from us, so I'm going to keep my design to myself until they are mailed. Sorry.

But if you'd like to make your OWN Christmas card, click here. I promise you will find something you'd like!

Christmas Cards

Welp, it is that time of year again, isn't it? I'm the traditional "buy cards, write in them, and send them out" gal and that is what I've always done. Let me tell you, it's about a week process to address each card, think of a different sentiment, and then address the envelopes. Well, this year is going to be different! :)

Over the past few years we have received photo cards from family and friends. Do you send photo cards? I never understood the ease of sending cards like this until my mom and sister told me of their experiences, and with the plethora of photo cards we receive increasing each year, I thought maybe I should jump aboard the photo card train. I must admit, I thought John and I were too boring to not have to send a photo card. I mean, we don't have children to show off, and we don't travel to exotic places, but I guess it isn't where the photo is taken or who is in it, along as it is from us. Then I got to thinking...what picture should we use? We went on one vacation this year, to Phoenix, and would you believe we did not get one picture together the whole six days we were there? So, I've decided Myra, my mother-in-law, will have to take our holiday picture this year when she visits for Thanksgiving. We'll have one of our furbabies, Cider, pose in the picture with us in front of our fireplace, if we can get to her sit still long enough. I doubt we can get our cats (Felix, who hates Cider, or Bailey, who can't sit still) to be in the picture. Now the question becomes, what shall we wear? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

So for our first ever photo cards, we're going to use Shutterfly. I can't believe the deal I'm getting that is just for bloggers ~ bloggers get 50 free holiday cards! Sign up by going to Shutterfly. I love looking at everything Shutterfly sells...from photo mugs to their photo calendars, which my sister gives my mom every year. Shutterfly has the such unique gifts.

So there you have it...our Christmas cards will be mailed (hopefully) early December. And for the first time in a long time, I'm excited about doing Christmas cards!

Challenge Day

Today at GLH.S. I had the privilege of participating in an event called Challenge Day. To lift exactly from the organizations' website (challengeday.org), the vision is "that every child lives in a world where they feel safe, loved and celebrated" and their mission is to "provide youth and their communities with experiential programs that demonstrate the possibility of love and connection through the celebration of diversity, truth, and full expression".

Going in to today I had heard the buzz about Challenge Day, but not much more. There is a show in M.TV called "If You Really Knew.Me" which showcases schools around the country who have used this program. To keep myself truly in the dark I've not watched one episode but have heard my students commenting about the program. I guess it is pretty close to what I experienced today.

I can say now, having gone through the program, that I have a new found appreciation, new understanding, and new eyes for the lives the 125 students in that room lead once they leave our building each day at 2:50.

The day is started off with uplifting activities, allowing students, staff, and community members to drop their guard and prepare for opening their minds and their hearts. Next came small group discussions. I was paired with five students I had never met or even seen before. The stories which were shared in my "family" of students (as the program leaders called them) made me say "wow".

But the activity which got to me the most was called "Walk the Line". The premise is those who fit the category called out are to walk to the other line across the way and then look at those who are not standing next to you. Likewise, those who didn't walk are to look at those who identify with the category called out. To see boys, girls, men, and women cross the line for a variety of categories brought me to tears. Even times when I had to cross the line caused tears to run down my face. The vulnerability of our fears, our problems, our lives were gone. We were not 25 adults and 125 students...we were 150 human beings with real problems, real emotions, and real big hearts. The outpouring of support and love shown to the people who crossed to the other line was something I will never forget. Even standing on the other line myself, looking out into the crowd of people who had not spent a moment in my shoes, going through what I had experienced to make me cross to that line, is again, something I will never forget.

After going through all of the discussions, the fun activities, and the eye-opening activities, I sit here tonight knowing that tomorrow I am going to be a better teacher. I promise to challenge myself to look beyond what I see on the outside of my students' shell, and to try to get to know what drives him or her every day, what makes him or her happy or sad, what their home life is like. No, I won't impact or reach all students, but if I can be a better, more compassionate teacher in the lives of a handful of students, I know I will have come away from Challenge Day a better person.

Maxed Out

Do you ever feel as if you have just reached "that" point? You know, the point where you feel like all the world is on your shoulders and there is nothing else that could possibly be added, and then a whole new pile of CRAP is dumped?

That's me right now.

Without going too much into things I've reached "that" point. I am emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially maxed out. And I don't know how to return from where I've ended.

Why is it that some have life handed to them on a silver platter while others of us get left with the plastic spoons, forks, and knives served on paper plates? I don't get it.

I just need to vent, and felt here would be a good place to let out my fears, sadness, aggression, frustration, etc. Thanks for reading this non-uplifting post. Crying while typing this has helped to ease a little of the stress, but I have a LONG way to go...

Hello out there ~*~*

I know. I am the WORLDS WORST BLOGGER. I must admit...my heart isn't into it right now. My heart isn't into this whole blogging thing. I guess I just feel like my life right now is so...boring? Don't get me wrong, I'd rather boring than something bad going on it in. And instead of boring anyone who might be reading this to tears, I decided to take a blogging vacation.

But I'm back.

However, my life is still boring.

Let's see...the summer is over. I'm back to work. I'm not quite sure where June, July, and August went. But no sense in dwelling on that now. I'm back into the throws of school. I feel like a first year teacher this year. I'm teaching English 9 for the very first time ever, and I feel like a chicken with my head cut off. I was hoping this would be the year that I could work a 7 - 3:30 schedule (required work day is 7:25 to 2:50), however I find myself at work until 5 or 5:30 almost every night. It's honestly getting a little ridiculous. But that's what I get for taking on a new prep.

Other than work, things are good. John and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary two weekends ago. Time is flying, but we're happy and healthy, so that is what is important. Our house is great. Can't believe we've been here almost a year already. There is still so much we want to accomplish, but it's baby steps right now. And finally...nothing is happening with the adoption. We just do not have the money right now. We're both feeling okay about not moving forward with a domestic adoption at this time. Is it what we really want? Of course not, but we also don't need to be broke either.

So there it is...my life in a nutshell. If you are still following this slow, boring blog, drop me a line and say hello. :)

Quick hello

Hi all. Sorry I have been M.I.A. School is now done and I am a happier person. I am typing this from my hotel room in Kansas City. Ah how I love technology! I'm here until Saturday for the National Speech and Debate Tournament. Our hotel isn't too bad. I have a room to myself so I've been reading and relaxing when not with the three boys we have competing here. Break will officially begin for me on Sunday and I'm looking forward to being off for two months. Not too much else going on. We have, as my last post said, put the adoption on hold. While it is something I don't think I was really dealing with well I am now comfortable with it. Guess that is just testiment to the fact that I now understand I can mope around or move on with life. So on I move. In other news my uncle suffered from cardiac arrest one week ago. We all thought we were going to lose him but he is a complete fighter and my aunt expects him home sometime this week. We are so so so lucky and thankful and happy. In other other news, Tom, my brother-in-law is doing his second Race Across America this week. If you don't know much about it I highly suggest you check out my sister's blog to follow his teams' progress. Keep kicking butt Team Type One. Well that is about it. Sorry there are no paragragh breaks...I have no clue how to do that on my iTouch. :) I promise to write soon!!!!!

No title

I'm not sure how to title this post, so one without a title seems a bit more appropriate.

1. School/work is so so busy. My sophomores just finished Julius Caesar and so now I have a TON of grading to get that unit over. Thankfully though, my co-teacher is taking on the next unit completely...her first for this school year. I'm proud of her, as it is a book I've never taught, so she's doing it all without much of my help. I'm over my juniors and seniors and they're over me, so the remaining days are seeming to just drag. I do feel somewhat refreshed in knowing that next year I won't be teaching either juniors or seniors, and look forward to teaching freshmen, a grade I've never taught in my 12 years in education.

2. Things at the house are coming together quickly and nicely. We finally have some landscaping in (minus the mulch) and some rooms are painted and some curtains/valances are up. My parents bought us a gas grill for our birthdays and we got that a few weeks back and have been highly enjoying that luxury. I still walk through rooms thinking "this is OUR house" or pull up our driveway with a HUGE grin on my face. That makes me so so happy.

3. I did have a very rough day yesterday. Thank you to those who understood and offered words of support. Lots of tears and just overall sadness, but by the end of the day I did my best to put a smile upon my face for my mother-in-law's sake, who spent the weekend with us.

4. So hard to believe that one year ago, on May 7th, two embryo's were transferred into C. One year. How I wish time didn't fly by so quickly.

5. Lastly, it seems as if our pursuit of adoption is temporarily off. I did some further digging into our agency and discovered that the cost of a domestic adoption is MUCH more than we were planning. Quite simply, it's just money we do not have, especially with having a new house and whatnot. With time we'll be able to hopefully re-establish/re-build our bank accounts from all of our previous IF expenses, and from buying a house, and that is when we'll start the process. I know I'm still young...but knowing that yet another year of getting to become a mom has been put off makes my heart hurt, but it is what it is. No amount of tears in the world are going to make the situation better.

So, I guess that's about all. Talk about doom and gloom. Geesh. Sorry. I'm going to take a blogging break for a little while. I'll be back sometime soon, I'm sure...

Adoption Agency Meeting

At 9 a.m. on Monday I picked up the phone and called the adoption agency. I tell you...it is about as nerve-wracking as sticking a needle the size of your fist into your buttock (Some IVF humor for my IVF friends...sorry!). I didn't know how to start the conversation, but the phone rang and it was then or never!

Megan, a social worker at the agency, was wonderful. As I've explained to a few people, Megan made me comfortable in that I didn't have to wait for her to answer. She never once had to "search" for an answer. Never once had to think about what I was asking her.

I asked her:

1. How many couples were currently waiting. Typically have 30 to 40 active couples waiting at a time.

2. How many placements do they do a year? Average is 75.

3. How long is the wait? Typical wait is 12 to 18 months, but that obviously varies from case to case.

4. How frequently birthparents decide to parent after adoptive parents have been matched? Not frequently at all (can't remember the last time this happened)

5. How long does birthparents have to wait to sign the TPR (termination of parental rights)? 72 hours.

6. How long until finalization? 6 months.

7. What happens if a match fails/falls through? We'd be place back on the list, at the top.

I asked her a few more questions and felt great. She then explained to me that most of their profiles are done online, as approximately 95% of birthmoms are now on the internet looking for adoptive parents. The agency hires someone to do the profiles on the website. She also told me that when one looks at the website, the couple at the top has been waiting the longest. They update the website weekly. So when a couple is matched, off they go, and everybody moves up a slot. Of course, anyone on the site can be chosen, whether on the top, in the middle, or at the bottom of the list. She then told me that birthmoms choose adoptive parents for any number of reasons...because the adoptive parents have the same name for their dog as she does, or that they like the same t.v. shows as she does. She also explained the process further and made me comfortable for what the future holds for us.

So where does this take us? Well, we have to do two days of training before we can start the process to get our home study done. The next training session is in one week. Unfortunately we can't participate as it is just too close. So, we have to wait until August.

So now the wait begins again.

But we're ready.

A small step

I haven't written lately about our journey to baby. Gosh, it honestly seems like yesterday that we were gearing up for our first visit with Dr. S, back in 2006. And now we're approaching the summer of 2010. Where does the time go?

I dawned on me just a few days ago that we are almost hitting the one year anniversary of our surrogate cycle. Every once in a while I get weepy. Every once in a while I realize what my life would be like if ANY of our cycles had ever worked, but especially our surrogate cycle last year. I will forever remain grateful to my beautiful cousin for giving it a try for us. It is hard to believe that one year ago yesterday I blogged (on the "other" blog) about chomping at the bit as C and I were both taking our birth control, waiting for the green light to start our Lupron to get the cycle going. One year ago. Wow. So much has changed since then, and then again, so much is still the same.

I'm still infertile. That's still the same.

So, with that somber reminder out of the way, I'm happy to say that we've taken a small step forward. On Monday I'll have a phone consultation with a local adoption agency. Unfortunately, like it was with surrogacy, I don't have many people in my life who have blazed the trail before me when it comes to domestic adoption. But thankfully the people I DO have around me are helping me out. I got the name of the agency from a neighbor of my mom's. That same day another friend also recommended the same exact agency. So, I bit the bullet and sent out an e-mail, asking for the information packet. Before I knew it one of the director's had returned my e-mail, and also had one of the agency's social workers contact me. So we set up a phone call for Monday morning.

So let the gamut of feelings begin. I'm so scared and excited and nervous and happy I just don't know what to do. Of course it will feel like an eternity before Monday gets here, but I'm excited to see what the agency representative has to say and hope that the agency seems like a good fit for us.

I do want to thank Wendy, a wonderful friend (and fellow blogger) I've met on one of the infertility chat boards, as she was kind enough to send me a list of questions to ask the social worker when we talk on Monday. After struggling with infertility, Wendy and her husband completed a domestic adoption and are now the proud parents of a BEAUTIFUL six month old baby girl. So thank you Wendy!!!!

I promise I'll update on Monday!

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

When John and I purchased our home in October, we were told that building would not happen in Scotland Ridge (our development) for quite a few years, seeing as how the current housing market here in Ohio STINKS and that the economy pretty much STINKS. Our parents (all five of them!) were hestiant about us living "out in the country" with no neighbors, but that didn't faze John and I a bit. Don't get me wrong, we're not miles from civility. Rte. 310 isn't but a stone's throw from our house. The model home is at the entry of the development. We're just two lots to the right of the model. We do have a large home immediately behind our house. But as far as Scotland Ridge is concerned...we're the only house.

Until this week!

Yep, we're getting neighbors! For those who have been to our development, the two homes are being built further into the development. I guess it was Thursday that John came home to tell me that gravel had been delivered back there. I don't know exactly why he drives back there, as our street is a no outlet, but he does, and he was very excited at his discovery. The fact that gravel was delivered means nothing to me, but he told me that is what happens when they're about to dig the property. We assume that the builder is the same as ours, as our builder's name is still at the entrance into the development. We don't think they'll be spec homes, especially as there has been quite the bit traffic in and out of the model home these past two months.

Well, today they dug both holes!

Here's the view of the property from the street in front of our yard. If you look beyond the two right trees in the foreground you'll see the piles of dirt. See, not very close.

Yes, we were dorks and walked up to take pictures of the holes. This is the lot closest to us.

And here is the view standing just behind the lot sign looking down to our house. Thankfully not right on top of us! :-)

And this is a shot from the lot closest to us looking down to the second lot. See where the large equipment is in the left picture...that's the second one.

So John figures that by fall time we'll have neighbors.

I hope they're nice!

Impressed

If you are reading this post, then I'm rather impressed. I haven't posted anything in over a month, so if you're here reading, thank you. What a blogging dud I am, but I'm just so busy with speech and debate, teaching, and grading essays that I feel like I have no time for myself.

Things are good. Busy, but good. A quick update for those "in need"...

1. Speech and debate is nearly over for the season. When it hits hard, with tournaments every weekend, boy does it get tiring. But toward the end of the season I realize that my time will soon be my own again, and I start to get sad. Just three tournaments remain until the State Tournament in March. After that, one small tournament at the Statehouse in April, and the National Tournament in June, that is, if anyone makes it this season. These last few tournaments are the hardest for the students and coaches, and I will be thankful when March 6th gets here!

2. Lots of nothing going on in the house right now. John and I have finally gotten to the point where we need to decide on colors, as these white walls are starting to drive him bonkers. I dislike painting, so I'm in no hurry, but he's driving me nuts wanting to paint. Wish us luck, as with white walls the sky is the limit with color options!

3. John and I went to see Dr. M (my Reproductive Endocrinologist) last week. I needed my thyroid prescription refilled, and was told that Dr. M wanted to see me. I wasn't sure why he needed to see me, but it turns out he just wanted to touch base and make sure that nothing abnormal was growing out of my body before he renewed my prescription. Being in the office made me sad. Not that I miss flushing my hard earned dollars down the drain on treatments that didn't work, but sad that I wasn't cycling. Sad that I was lacking that excitement and hopefulness that I once held when I visited that office nearly a year ago. Who knows what the future will hold though...

4. Lastly, I would like to quickly update about my sweet niece Rebecca. Shortly before Christmas John's sister C called me to thank me for the gifts I sent to Rebecca and her half sisters Angelica and Victoria. Needless to say, I was shocked. C and I had a nice, amicable conversation after not having spoken in over a year. Since that day C sends pictures about once a week to my cell phone of Rebecca. And I must say, she is simply beautiful. I've heard a rumor swirling in the family that C would like to talk to John, and I know for a fact that he really wants to talk to her too, so I hope maybe the past can be put behind us and we can move forward and get to know our newest niece(s).

So there you have it...F I N A L L Y an update from me. Just what you were waiting for, huh?

;-)

Thanks for reading.

Happy 2010

I must say, I was rather happy to see 2009 go. Not that good things didn't happen in 2009, but I'm ready to start fresh. I'm ready to make 2010 a GREAT year.

My goals for 2010:
1. Stick to my guns when put into question.
2. Get back into the gym.
3. Get back to watching what I eat, when I eat, and how I eat.
4. Spend more time with my loved ones.
5. See my parents and my sister and brother-in-law at least once a month.
6. Spend more time on myself than I do grading papers.
7. Work on my debt.
8. Explore volunteering opportunities.
9. Continue to take classes to make me a better educator.
10. Love the life I have, because it is a pretty darn good one!

Happy New Year's everyone!!!