Cut the Shit

HERE COME THE QUIZZES! Just some fun things to end my day and yours.

YELLOW You are very perceptive and smart. You are clear and to the point and have a great sense of humor. You are always learning and searching for understanding. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Does anyone else think that I am fucking crazy or is it just me?

Gosh. It is so busy at work today. It is Passover time and my job is run by the Jewish. ;)
With it being Passover, there are students here selling their Chametz. I don't even know if that is the word. Plus, we are planning Seders and also taking care of the normal business. Penelope and I are out of our minds today. But it makes the day go faster and I like that.
Mariah just called and firmed up the plans for my trip to Boston tomorrow. I am very excited. She is actually leaving for Colorado on Thursday. I am bringing her to the airport and waiting there with her until she gets her scared little ghouls on that plane. Poor thing. I would be terrified, but I know she will be ok. How exciting! She never gets to go anywhere.
Has anyone heard the new song by Vanessa Carlton? I love her! I believe that she is supposed to be my new girlfriend, but I had to break her heart last night. You see, it is about 11pm last evening and the phone rings. This is what happened:
Me: Hello?
Vanessa: Hi. Is Joe there?
M: This is Joe.
V: Joe, it's Vanessa. How are you?
M: Vanessa! Wow. I was just listening to your new song. What's up with you? It's been too long.
V: I know. I have been so busy, what with the new music career and all.
J: Yeah, I know how it is. I had to do this duet last week with Mariah Carey. Oh, she can be such a pain in the ass.
V: Right? I try to avoid her as much as possible. Look, I need to talk to you about something.
J: Sure, go ahead. I have a few minutes.
V: Well, you see...I was kind of thinking that we could be boyfriend and girlfriend.
J: Oh Vanessa...I...um...gee...well...the thing about it...
V: What Joe? What are you trying to say? Don't you love my new song?????
J: Well, uh...I actually do. But Vanessa, I am-
V: Not interested? What? Am I too young? Am I too pretty? Am I not worth your time? What is it Joe? WHAT IS IT?
J: WOW! Vanessa, can you just hold on a sec?
V: Fuck you Joe. Fuck you.
CLICK!
Then she just hung up. Damn. Girl's got a temper. I was just trying to tell her that I am gay. But she just wasn't having it.
Please, still go out and buy her cd. She didn't mean to act the way she did. Bitch just fell in love with me.

So who knew that Wil Wheaton has his own Blogger? Well Rita did! I immediately went and read some of it. He is a fucking moron. He really does think that he is so cool and accomplished. FYI Wil...you is ugly. Stupid and ugly. And oh...FYI...don't forget...you are a dork too!
He was so cool back in the day. Remember Stand By Me? Remember...hey...what else cool did he do? I don't think anything. But I could be wrong.

When Halle Barre won the Oscar for Monster's Ball, she made history. When she gave her speech, she truly became a legend. I am not a huge Halle fan, but after re-reading her speech today, she has warmed my heart.
Here is an exerpt:
"This moment is so much bigger than me. It's for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. I am so honored, I'm so honored, and I thank the Academy for choosing me to be the vessel from which this blessing might flow."
Now you see what I mean.

So I came in to work today and got the most amazing suprise ever. Paul called me at like 9:15am. Which he never does! If he calls me at work at all, it will be around 4pm. But this morning, the phone rings and its him. I was very shocked. He was actually on his way to work a double. Ugh. I remember those days. For the am shift he will be shift leading the floor. Which means he will be a waiter. And on top of that, he will be in charge of the entire morning staff. He hates working on the floor and I don't blame him. Once you go bar you never go back. Or something like that. Tonight he will be shift leading the bar. GOSH! What a good boy. He like runs the store. But anyway...he calls and I say to him, "So when are you working this week?" He says: "Actually I took the week off so that I could be with you." WWWWWHHHHHAAAAATTTTT? I don't think that has happened ever since he and I have been together. The kid works ALL the time; even when I come for a visit. I usually get one night with him and one night with Mariah. Or one night with him and one night alone. But this week...something happened and he is going to spend the majority of the time with me. It made me feel so loved. I couldn't stop saying "thank you". YAY!

I am actually very nervous to see Paul this Wednesday. I don't know why. Every time I think of seeing him, I get butterflies. I was at lunch a little while ago and every time he crossed my thoughts, I found myself feeling like I was going to yack. What is the deal? I actually tested this theory. I would sit with a french fry in my hand. I would then look at it longingly and with hunger. Then to test my theory, I would think of seeing Paul in Boston on Wed., and my stomach would knot up lickety split. Lickety? I'm gay.
It's weird. Why is my subconcious freaking out? Maybe I just love him.
Alot.

What a fucking day. It's funny, cuz on the way in this morning, I say to Rita, "Today is going to suck." She's like: "Yeah, I have that pit in my stomach." Boy were we right. On top of Penelope not being at work today, EVERYONE has shit they need either Rita or I to do. People are being assholes, and the work load seems to just increase and increase with each hour. Thank our stars that we only work a half week. Cuz ugh! What a way to start.
I must say that this weekend was just about the best. On Friday, Rita went out for drinks with our friend Stacil and ended up coming home at like 8:30pm. I got up from my hungover nap around that time, and we decided to have a glass of wine and just catch up. Next thing I know, it is 3am and I have to go to bed to get up for my parents. Ugh.
Saturday was such an incredible day. My parents showed up around noon and they were in great moods. We took the subway to Ground Zero. I hadn't been there yet and I really wanted to go down there at least once, to just see what happened in real life. Watching the devastation on tv just doesn't give one the reality of it all. It was extremely upsetting and I found it hard to be there. For the most part, the site consists of a giant crater. There is very little rubbish left. The damage is unbelievable, but they have made some major headway in the cleanup. There is a iron cross standing inside the whole. It was part of the building that the construction workers sodered off and made into a cross. Kind of like a memorial. It was beautiful. Of course, there were people all around gawking at the hole and taking pictures. But everyone was silent. Not a sound in the group. It was just so much. Then my parents and I walked to the West side of the site and stood between the hole and the Statue of Liberty. We were standing right next to the water and it was so serene. We were the only people there. Kind of like a ghost town. My dad pulls out this poem and gives it to me. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read in my life. It was a feeling like I could never explain - standing next to this devastation on one side, and on the other, the freedom and comfort represented by the Statue of Liberty. My parents took full advantage of this moment by giving me the poem. Then my dad pulls out a check for my headshots. He paid for the entire thing. He told me that this money isn't a loan or an early birthday present. It was a gift because they believe in me and believe that I can do this acting thing. I was so overwhelmed. I think I hugged them both for 10 minutes before letting go. Gosh. It was a moment that I will never forget for as long as I live.
After that, we went to Park Avalon and had glass of wine. They loved doing it. We have never just gone out for a drink before. And there we were, 3 adults laughing and joking and just loving eachother's presence. I love them more than my heart can handle. Later that evening, Kelly, Rita, my parents, and I played some cards, discussed about a thousand different political and religious topics. It was amazing. Kelly, my dad, and I stayed up until almost 3am discussing salvation other religious things. It was mind blowing and powerful! I think I finally got in bed around 4:45am. On Sunday, I woke up with some form of the flu or hangover or some shit. Probably because I spent 3 full days getting fucked up. I think I need a couple days to recuperate and to get my energy back. Especially since I am supposed to go to Boston on Wed. If I were to leave today, it would take all of my energy to even get to the bus station.
Long long long wonderful couple of days. But now I feel sick.
Ok...I guess that is it. Really don't feel like writing today, but I wanted to get some of this in here while it was still on my mind.

Oh my goodness. Last night was fucking amazing. I slept for literally 3 hours and now I am surely paying for it. I think I finally closed my eyes at like 5:15am and woke up BEFORE my alarm at 8:10am. Then I immediatley got up and got in the shower. Damn. Felt like I was on another planet. My head was buzzing, my stomach cramping, all of the usual things that a normal sober kid like me feels in the morning. SIKE!
I hung out with Penelope last night from like 6pm-2:30am. I just went over for a little bit and then there I was drinking my face off and talking a mile a minute for like hours! Poor thing was such a good sport about it all. She was willing to stay up as long as I wanted to stay. And I just wanted to keep hanging with her. We talked about everything from work to love to goals to funny family stories. Oh man. It was just such an incredible time. We were so in sync with eachother. I drank like a monster and smoked way too many cigs. But I laughed and laughed and really enjoyed every possible second. The most incredible thing was that Penelope has been dying to show me who this next door neighboor of hers is that she had sex with. We talk about him all the time. At least for like 8 months or something. She writes about him in her blogger quite frequently. She uses the name "Dick" for him. How appropriate. So, she and I are walking to get some wine and some cigarettes when lo and behold...there is Dick walking down the street with these grocery bags. We both about have heart attacks, cuz there he is!!!! He stopped and said hello and was very uncomfortable. I think he thought that Penelope and I were hooking up or something. He was very nervous. She and I loved it. He is very attractive. I hated his hair so much I could have shaved it off on the spot. He was balding in the front, but had a beautiful long mane of blondish locks in the back. Pukerific! But he had a HOT face and a nice little body on him. Penelope said he usually dresses better than the tapered jeans I saw him in, but I just gotta see it to believe it. He does work on Wall Street so I am sure he doesn't look 80's all the time. Either way, I was SO elated to finally put a face with the name. We have waited FOREVER for this moment. It was so great! So, we have decided that if we do bump into him again, Penelope and I are fully having sex and he is made to feel like he is missing out and must jump on the "I cheat on my girlfried" bandwagon again. Here's to us...
Thanks again P for the great night. It was so awesome!!!!
Tonight I will probably spend in bed. My parents are coming tomorrow and I want to be at least a little rested up for them. Rita and I have a friend coming into town named Stacil. She is great and I haven't seen her in forever, but her visit is so last minute and I treated last night as though it was my Friday night. As the day goes on, the hangover increases. ROCK!
Work today is fucking dragging on. At least I am finally out of here in like 15 minutes. I have been watching the clock on my computer screen casually tick on by for what seems to be a duration. "Please release me....let me go." - sung to the tune of, um...er..."Please release me, let me go".
When I got home last night...I called Paul and we talked until the fucking crack of dawn. I was speaking a mile a minute on so many different things. He was INCREDIBLE with me. Hearing me out on everything, being objective, and being my totally adorable little ghouls! LOVE HIM! I know that in the beginning of the conversation he was tired and probably wanted to go to bed, but he knew I couldn't sleep and volunteered to stay on the phone with me until I did. I love him for that. Also, he owed it to me after not talking to me cuz of "Queer as Folk" the other night. ;)
It was a special conversation and I will never forget it. For a lot of reasons.
So all in all last night was just the tops! I loved my friends, I loved my boyfriend, and I loved this city. I felt so New Yorkish going home in a cab at 2:30am. On a THURSDAY!!! ;)
I am a whore and I eat it up.
Today is Pizza Fridays! Yum. And today of all days, I really need pizza. This belly is empty and worn out. Time to get some good New York nourishing inside of it. Cannot wait. Half hour until I am shoving my face.
SLURP!
Here comes the weekend. Open up and say: "YUM!"

Hello world. Today is a beautiful sun shinin day! I like that. Always better than the freezing drizzle that has been our lives this week. Rita and I had lunch at the West End today and ate outside! Wow. We never get to do that. It's great. You can smoke and smoke till your lungs content and then throw the butts at the homeless guy that is obnoxiously asking for money while we are eating. It's kind of a game. If you hit them in the back, you don't get as many points as if you hit them square in the forehead. But that takes skillz. Juxt kidding. But hells if I gave that guy money. Hells.
I spoke with my brother a couple minutes ago. It was good to talk to him. I told him of my plans to consolidate my bills and my method for doing so. He was like: "No Joe. Bad idea. Why can't you just keep doing what you are doing now? This is not going to work." Ok...shut the fuck up, because you really have no idea what this is like for me, on top of the fact that he has no idea what it is like to be in debt. Bitch has no bills and just got a new car. Year: 2002. So, I don't want to hear your shit. It just kind of pissed me off. I like his objective opinion...always. But he really shouldn't have an opinion on this subject, cuz he doesn't know how to identify with it on any level. Ugh. He just made me doubt myself and now I am frustrated again. I felt so good for a couple days, cuz I felt like I had a plan. Now, I still have a plan, but he made me worry. Stupid, rich, army boy brother. Thanks a lot.
What else....I am going to Penelope's today to have a glass of wine with her and to get my mom her stinkin pot. (Like I won't be smoking the pot right along with her) My parents will be here Saturday, so I gots to take care of business today.
Right now, I am chowing on a plate of freezing cold french fries. Oh Joe. Cut the Shit! Pretty soon, I am going to be the size of a house, and I am going to have grease shooting out of my pours. Ooh. That sounds tasty!
My intestines are raging today. Raging against the machine I call my body. Feel like I gotta shit, but I don't. So what the fuck is up with that.
Penelope had a short, but great entry in her blogger today. She is pondering the idea that she is now 30, but doesn't quite understand how that happened. Please go visit and read today's entry:
Penelope's 30th bday entry
So lately, my gums have been doing a little bit better. It's funny, cuz I haven't been using the baking soda for a couple days, so I have to make sure to rinse with it tonight. Just to keep it all going smoothly. I haven't mentioned my stronger gums to anyone in a couple of days, cuz every time I bring it up, they tend to crumble in my mouth again. So shhh.....some day they will be perfect again. I just know it!
Next week will be Passover. I just love Passover. At my job, I get 4 full days off for this holiday. And since I am not of the Jewish persuasion, I don't have to go to Shul (Synagogue) or clean out my house, or fast or anything. Actually, I don't know if you have to fast, but I won't anyway, just to prove a point. And days off!!!!!!!!! Rock. I am going to Boston, yet again, to visit my boy. I miss him so much these days. Just need to get there and hold him for a bit.
Last Friday night, Paul and Mariah were at this club and this fucking asshole (which I hope dies very soon) started to harass Mariah about why she wasn't interested. Well, first clue to him could be that he is fucking ugly, but second clue definitely is that she was at a fucking lesbian bar!!!! Anyway...the guy is harassing Mariah and Paul asks him (I am SURE politely) to leave her alone cuz she is not interested. This DICK continues to harass Paul and Mariah for the rest of the time at the club. So they decide to leave. As they were walking back to the car, the asshole follows them saying: "I just want to talk and settle this." Paul says: "We have settled this, please just leave us alone." Asshole follows them right to the car and the girls jump in and Paul tries to get into the back seat. The guy grabs the door to the car and is like: "Get out of the fucking car." Paul, of course, didn't and when he turned to try to reason with the guy, this fucking ugly stupid mother fucker prick kicks him on the side of his face!!!!!!!
He split Paul's lip and gave him a huge egg near his temple. :(
Then of course, like the real pussy he is, he runs away down the street. MAN!
Had I had been there, or if I EVER see this asshole (I know who he is from past visits to Boston) there is going to be a major...MAJOR problem. Mariah told me on the phone that she and Paul were so happy that I wasn't there. Cuz I would have gone fucking ballistic! I may be small, but I can go crazy like the best of them. So I am on the hunt for this fuck. If I ever, EVER see him on a visit, he is fucking dead. The anger and sadness within me about this situation makes me so fucking insane. This shit should not happen. And especially not to such passive and loving people as Mariah and Paul. So, I need to go to Boston and be with my baby. Poor thing. He is so mature and responsible to just walk away.
I am not. :)
ever.
You don't fuck with me and you DEFINITELY don't fuck with the people I love. Well, you can, but then I find any way that I can to deform you for the rest of your life. ROAR!
So, Paul will be coming back to NYC on the Saturday before Easter. He and I are going to go to church together and then have a nice Easter dinner. It is the only holiday that we get to spend with eachother, what with us both having to go home for Christmas and Thankgiving. I am really excited. We are going to go to CHURCH together. I haven't been to church in such a long time. TOO LONG. And it will be so wonderful to go with my boyfriend. (big sigh)
Can't wait to see his little ghoulie face!

Wow. What a day. It started out so horribly and is actually turning out to not be so bad. I think the day turned itself around when I shoved my face with pizza at Penelope's work party. Everyone was in a really great mood, despite the weather. And I am a royal fat ass today. I ate Lo Mein at 10:30am and then two slices of pizza. And then I went to a local deli and got a cup of corn chowder. My appetite is voracious and insatiable today. I almost ate Penelope, but she ran away too quickly.
Now I am full of food and my stomach has exploded into this mass of flesh. Will someone please help me help myself?
The day is almost over and I am so ready to go home. Imagine if I was like, "Oh please, I would love to spend another hour here today." Yeah...you can also imagine a million dollars falling out of my asshole. Ooh. I like that fantasy.
So I spoke with my father last night for about two hours on the phone. It was such a beautiful conversation. He spent more than half of it in tears over one thing or another. He is such an emotional guy. I love it. He confides in me, he trusts me, and even more importantly, he loves me so incredibly much. I appreciate him in a way that I will never be able to convey to him. He's my hero, my father, and my joy. He is going to get involved with my uncles and in a lot of ways, I feel like he should. Long story, but he may really be able to help fix this misunderstanding that I am having with them. I guess I will just wait and see what happens.
I just spoke with Paul. He was pretty damn cute. Sometimes he gets this laughter that just makes me want to smush him with love. It's like: HAR HAR HAR! I love it so much.
Last night he fucked up. I called him at like 10:30pm (returning his call) and he didn't answer. I called and called until 11pm, cuz I really wanted to talk to him. So I finally get ahold of him at like 11pm.
Here is how the conversation went:
J: Hi. How are you?
P: Hi. You going to bed?
J: No. What's going on?
P: Nothing. Just eating dinner. You going to bed?
J: Um...no. I have a little bit to talk.
P: Well, maybe you should get some rest.
J: EWE. What is the deal? Why are you making me go to bed?
P: Well, you see, Queer as Folk is on and I really want to watch it. I will call you at 12am if you are still going to be awake.
J: (Deleted expletives) ARE YOU SERIOUS? I MEAN, WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO EACHOTHER SINCE LAST FRIDAY AND NOW A TV SHOW IS MORE IMPORTANT....BLAH BLAH BLAH....(more screaming)....and BLAH!
P: I am sorry Joe. I just want to watch the show.
J: Fine. I am being a dickhead and I am sorry. I just really wanted to talk to you and I see now that our conversation isn't that important to you. You don't have to call me when the show is over. I am going to bed.
P: I will try you after the show. Promise. Hope you are ok.
J: Fine. Goodnight.
P: Bye
So, I call back about 10 minutes later and leave a message on the answering machine that went something like this:
"Don't pick up the phone (not that he would have anyway). I am going to bed. I apologize for getting angry with you. I just really wanted to talk about what happened to you this weekend and what happened to me yesterday, but we will catch up on it later. If you want, please give me a call after the show and maybe I will still be awake to talk. If not, you can call me tomorrow. I love you and hopefully I will still be awake when you call."
Being the amazing boyfriend that he is...he didn't call back. Of fucking course. ;)
But he did call just now and I am not angry at all. I wasn't even really angry last night. I just flipped out cuz I felt like that is what I was supposed to do. Have you ever done that? I am so used to being the crazy one and last night, even though I wasn't in the mood to be crazy, I forced myself to curse him out. (big sigh) The trials and tribs of being a psycho. You never know how to be.
So that is it. Those are my stories for the day.
It is now 4:55pm and I am so out of here, it's ridiculous.
not so ridiculous.

Well, everyone at work is off at a board meeting and Rita and I sit here in the office all alone! Whoo HOOO! Makes me wanna...shoop, shoop day doop, shoop day doop, shoop day doop day doop day shoop.
Just don't really feel like blogging today. So, FUCK!
I just remembered that I was supposed to call my mother this morning before 11am. DAMN! I totally forgot. I don't know why singing Salt N Peppa made me remember, but still....damn. I really meant to call her.
She was so good to me last night when I talked to her about the letter of doom from my uncles. She handled it all so well and really made me feel loved.
I would do anything for my mom. She is the greatest woman alive.
:(
Wish I had called.

Wow. Would you look at this? My boy and I are BFMOTHAFUCKINF!

Take the "What *NSYNC Hairstyle are you?" Quiz

One more hour until I can go home and get right back in bed. So excited. I am going to sleep my face off tonight and lay naked and roll around in my sheets until I am good and satisfied.
I miss Paul tremendously today. Especially after everything that happened with my uncles this morning.
He is a gift to me and I wish I could have him here all the time.
:(

The world is full of selfish bullshit today and I want no part of it.
Sometimes it is just easier to lock yourself in your bedroom.
Sometimes it doesn't pay to be a friend to someone cuz it is always about them.
Most times I don't want to be the listener, but I take on the role almost automatically.
Usually I repress everything that upsets me until I hurt someone as much as they have hurt me.
Often, I want to tell people to SHUT THE FUCK UP for once.
I am really trying to work on my patience level. But it can be very difficult. Almost impossible.

What a weekend! I am so exhausted from it, right now I could collapse on my keyboard and sleep comfortably for at least 6 hours. It is one of those days where I just can't wait to get home and climb right back into bed. It is so warm and cozy in my bed and this world is so dreary and freezing today. Why not spend a day in bed? WHY? Because I have to do this damn thing called "work". Damn that thing.
I was lucky enough to start my day off in a horrible way. About a month ago, I sent my uncles (the gay ones), in California an email explaining my fears of visiting them this summer. (They had previously invited me out there for a mini-vacation) In the email, I was very aggressive and maybe a little too forward in what I had to say to them.
They took what I was saying and turned it completely around so that it made it seem like I was viciously attacking them. I was startled to log into my email this morning to find a rude, hurtful, and rather bitchy email from them. These guys are 50 years old right? I didn't know that bitchiness could come out of people when they were this age. But I guess with gays, bitchiness can always come out.
Here is the email exchange: (edited for time and boringness quality)
The reason I called you a couple weeks ago is because I wanted to talk about the trip to SF. First, let me just THANK YOU for the amazing invitation. I was shocked and thrilled to find out. You are both so generous and kind to me always and I truly appreciate it. I know I don't get to see you that much and that is difficult. For a number of reasons. But mostly, just because I want to get to know you better and I want your advice at least 12 times a day about whatever it could be that is on my mind.I have been thinking a great deal about the trip. I am having some major hesitations about coming.1) You know I don't want to fly. I am terrified. More than terrified actually. I am so scared that it is very likely I won't come at all due to this intense anxiety that I am feeling. I know that the chances of a crash or a terrorist take-over are very unlikely, but I still can't fathom having to get on to a plane by myself. Especially since I have only flown twice in my life. Once to visit you guys and once for Winfield's graduation.2) You told me that you want me to come alone. I don't know if I can come alone. I don't want to fly alone. I really don't. And more importantly, I would really want Paul to come with me. He and I have discussed a visit to you long before you invited me. LONG before. And it is an experience that I want to share with him. I understand you guys wanting to spend time with me. Alone with me. I want the same from both of you. But with my fear of flying (alone especially) and the fact that Paul would give anything to come...I don't really know how to go forward with this.3) When I had the conversation with you guys over Christmas about the visit, you said something that really upset me. You told me that we would "go out" while I was there, but that I was "not allowed to bring anyone home". You also made it very clear that I was to "come visit alone".Now, this hurt me because I feel like you don't really know me at all. And on top of that...I feel like no one really knows me in the family. I have been with Paul for over 2 years now. It is a strong, beautiful, difficult relationship that no one in the family has taken five minutes to consider. Mom and dad do the best they can, but they talk more positively about Winfield's sexual flings than they do about the boy I am in love with. The boy that I have never even had intercourse with. It hurts. And it pisses me off. Just to be honest.When you guys told me that I had to come alone....something about the way you said it rang so familiar in my head. It was like having a conversation with my parents. "Joe, come visit us at home, but make sure you come by yourself." "Winfield, come visit us at home, but make sure you bring Amy". It is not fair and I promised myself that I wouldn't put myself into a situation like this anymore. Paul is more important to me than Amy was or will ever be to Winfield. And no one takes it seriously.I have spent the last 4 years coming out of the closet with no familial support. In fact, instead of support, I hear doubts about my promiscuity, my "experimental phase", the fact that "life is so much harder when you are gay". And to be honest, none of it rings true to me at all.I am sexually responsible in every way, shape, form. I KNOW this is not a phase. And I am happy and proud to be a homosexual. Nothing about the lifestyle scares me or turns me off. Because I am me and I have a good head on my shoulders. I know what is best for me. I have to. I have been the only one looking out for me in this area. So it hurt. It hurt to have you two put guidelines on my visit. It hurt to think that you look at me the same way my parents do. Even though you are gay.I have an amazing time with you during each visit. But I don't know either of you very well. And you don't know me. We have yet to really spend some time together discovering what makes up the real US! At least, I don't know what makes the real you.I hope that this email wasn't in any way offensive or hurtful to either of you. I am just at the point where I have to be honest about my feelings regarding this situation. I am almost 25 and I am finally starting to be happy. I want to share this happiness with you two (especially) and hopefully one day with my parents as well.Please write me back or call me whenever you get the chance. Or just let me know when will be a good day/time to call you.I hope we can work this out. I love you both so much and I am always more than grateful for the money, the thought, and the love that you send my way.Have a wonderful day and I look forward to talking to you soon.
They wrote back this beautiful email:

First of all we think you know that it was not our intention to hurt your feelings. The last we heard was that you and Paul had broken up. So we assumed that you might be dating and that was the nature of our "guideline" about bringing people home. We know you well enough to know that you are not promiscuous.

We also realize that we talked about both you and Paul coming out here together. But after the great time we had with Winfield last year we changed our minds. We also came to the conclusion that if both of you came we would not get the "two-on-one" time we need to get to know each other. Please understand this does not mean that we don't like Paul.

We understand how you feel about flying since neither of us likes to fly either. But sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot. Or sometimes you make sacrifices for people you love.

You say that no one in the family knows you or understands your relationship with Paul. Whose fault is that? And you should know that it is very offensive to both of us for you to accuse us of homophobia. If you have issues with your parents' acceptance please deliver them to their doorstep, not ours.

So a visit is not in the cards for this year. Maybe at some point in the future. Drop us a line and let us know how things are going with Paul. That way we won't accidentally say things that hurt your feelings.

I was shocked and really hurt by this. It will stay with me for awhile. I just can't believe that my own flesh and blood would go off on me like that. Especially since they are the only gay role model type people I know. Ugh.
Way to start a Monday morning.

25 minutes until PIZZA FRIDAYS! YAY! I have been so good this week. Only eating salads during lunch, when what I really wanted was a huge fucking cheeseburger with an even larger portion of french fries. So the pizza that I will eat after work today will be gone in 30 seconds and I will sit and play with my gut all afternoon with a huge, fat smile on my face.
I have Craig David stuck in my head today. He's walking around my brain singing in his british accent. That boy done got a good voice. Too bad he is fucking ugly. I guess you can't have everything.
Unless you are Justin Timberlake. Then you gots it all. Or maybe you are Jeff Buckley and you got it all, but you are dead.
HALLELUJAH. (That joke was a play on words) (Did you figure it out?)
Speaking of Jeff Buckley, I gotta introduce someone into this bloggle. His name is Edward and he is just about one of my favorite people on the planet. I met Edward during my super senior year at college. We were in the theater department together and were in most classes and productions together. He first caught my attention when I heard him sing. The kid has got a voice that could melt the hearts of women and men across the country. It's powerful, controlled and so rich in volume and tone. I just love to hear him sing. Edward also expresses himself in verse. He is an exceptional poet and I have about 3 poems he wrote me hanging on my wall. Every time I read them, I get this overwhelming feeling of inspiration. He is so in tune with his emotions and it comes across fully in his writing.
Edward and I got real close real fast. We were really only "friends" for 6 months before I left school. At the time, we both had this fear that once I graduated, he and I would never really see each other or speak again. This was totally proven untrue as I talk to him about once a week now over the computer. We don't use the phone much and I have only seen his face once in the last 2 years. But he is always on my mind.
I love talking to him and I know he feels the same. I am almost like a big brother figure to him. I know he looks up to me in a lot of ways. In turn, I feel as though he is my concious. He really wants me to quit smoking and he is always saying the right words of encouragement.
Gosh. I miss him terribly. It's weird because there are some days when I miss him much more than I should. I guess, to be honest, I fell for him pretty hard when I was at school. In fact, if he wasn't straight, I probably would have fallen completely in love with him. Or at least in lust. The kid has a body and a look that just gets under my skin. He's fucking BIG. And I don't mean the size of his cock. That is just too much. I mean, the size of his body. I like 'em big and Edward is a fucking big boy. (Fat ass, actually--------------never!)
On his last day in Oswego (Where I went to college), Edward and I said goodbye in his truck. He cried, I cried, and then we kissed goodbye. He toys with the idea of homosexuality, but I don't think he will ever let go into it. And I don't think he is truly gay. I think that Edward loves people for people and that is one of the qualities that I admire about him most. I often wonder if we will ever get the chance to see if it would work for us, but I promised myself a long time ago, that I wouldn't get involved with "straight" or "bi-curious" guys ever again. It is too hard. I don't mind fucking around with these type of guys. But Edward is not the fuck around type. He is someone that could make me lose myself completely - body and soul.
He is planning a visit to the city in May. I am very excited to see him. To just sit around and have some beers and talk about the old days. Laugh a bit, hug a bit, and just know that he still does care about me. And for me to be able to let him know the same thing. Also, he will surely be bringing his guitar to play and sing a song for me. Or maybe 3.
I adore him and I am proud to call him my friend. There are few people in this world that have made such a lasting impression on me, and Edward is definitely one of them. I look forward to what the future will bring the two of us. I just hope that we are able to share it with eachother. :)

Right now I am talking to Mariah online. From what she says, her and Paul got into a massive fight last night. Paul broke a cactus of hers and I guess she flipped. Not necessarily because of the cactus, but because of all the stress that is being placed on her right now. She moves to NYC in 2 1/2 months. She is so scared. Just to uproot and do it. But hey, she needs to and she will accomplish it with flying colors. I believe in her fully. So Paul said some stupid shit, as Paul tends to do, and Mariah just broke down and cried. Poor thing. I know it is tough on Paul. But honestly, too bad. Mariah is the one moving. Paul has neither the courage nor the motivation to change his station in life. He is stuck and so shall it be. But as a true friend, he needs to put his feelings aside and get his girl ready to go. He needs to stop being a control-freak prick is what he needs.
I get so defensive over Mariah. Even against my own boyfriend. It's just that I know how Paul can be and sometimes it is too much. They will work it out and they will cling to eachother and never be able to let go when Mariah's "move date" comes around. I love them both dearly and I can't even stand the anticipation of Mariah's arrival in NYC. Can't stand it.
As for me...I am plugging away at work today. My gums were gushing blood about an hour ago. Not so much gushing as leaking, I guess. I used floss and it just tore shit up. It actually doesn't hurt very much. Just irritating and horribly discusting. Back to the dentist I go.
Tonight is our "White Trash Adventure". It should be fun. Tomorrow is my night alone! Rock. Most excited about that. Sunday is St. Paddy's day drinkfest. LOL
I think every day is St. Paddy's day drinkfest.
I started another David Sedaris book today. As I said previously, I recently finished reading "Me Talk Pretty One Day". It was absolutely fucking fantastic. The one I started today is called "Naked". OMIGOD. I have only read two chapters, but it is so damn funny, I really don't know what to do with myself. At one point, I found myself clutching my penis and trying to make the laughter stop.
Ok, that never happened, but maybe it did.
Last week, I read MUSE by Michael Cecilione. There were parts of it that were brilliant. There were also parts of it that were so fucking dumb that I wanted to take an ax and kill my pyschotic boyfriend. No, not Paul. I just gave away the ending to the book. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Oh...and the lead character is fucking crazy with some sort of mental disorder.
That was the other "hidden suprise". BWA HA HA HA HA HA
Book ruined.
Penelope comes back to work on Monday. Finally. Gosh, it feels like she has been gone for months and months. Well, kinda she has. Life has dealt her a pile of shit lately, but she has somehow managed to make brownies out of it. Meaning, she has taken a half empty glass and poured some milk in it to make it a full glass.
Or that took a stroll around the park and somehow managed to go full circle.
Ok, none of this makes sense, but it feels good to just write nonsense once in awhile. What I am trying to get at is that she is in such good spirits and doing well.
Rita and I had a fantastic time with her last night. Thanks P!
Alright friends...have a great weekend.
Love you all.
but love me more.

CITY HIGH...shumma shum shum...shumma shuuummmm. I can't get this fucking song out of my head. And the worst part about it is that I know only two words. "City High".
Paul called me at work today. He was adorable on the phone We shared a few shits and giggles before we got off. It was a nice and quick talk. Made me miss him. :(
I am busting ass to get my shit done before I go. I also have to figure out how to take the cross-town bus to Penelope's house. YIKES. I never take the bus. So it is Creeps McCreeps that I have to get on one today. I just think it will go so much faster than taking the subway.
Okay....Cleo just explained to me how to take the bus. She has been so cool lately. Close to being one of my favorites at work. Well, there isn't much competition, but she has been excellent.
Last night, Rita and I did Tarot card readings. It was fun and TOTALLY insightful. She has a lesbian deck of Tarot cards. It's funny. Even the man characters are these big dykes. I guess it makes sense. Every dyke I have ever known has been able to predict the future. (wink wink)
Alright, I gots to go and get ready to leave.
Hope all is well with everyone! Peace be with you and
oh yeah...
fuck off.

I am currently in the middle of a coughing fit. One that is racking my face! I also have the tickle from hell that is making my eyes water. Not just water, but FLOW. Ugh. Cigarettes, the gift that keeps on givin.
It is so beautiful outside. It's funny, well not really funny, but....funny how I think that my moods are soley based on the sun. If it is rainy and discusting, I am miserable. Am I bi-polar? Is that the disease where your moods are governed by the weather? No. That disease is called bullshit. But nonetheless I have a horrible case of the bullshits.
Finally. Coughing fit over. Phew - that was a close one.
I feel good today. Probably cuz the weekend is rearing its' beautiful head. Come to me weekend. CUM TO ME.
Tomorrow night, Rita and Kelly and I will be going out for what we are calling: "The White Trash Adventure." We are going on a budget of $50, not a dollar more. Cheap dinner, cheap drinks, and cheap attitudes. Attitudes = me sucking a dick in the bathroom of the restaurant we go to. Hey! If the dick fits, suck it.
Saturday night, Rita is going to visit her sister Jeannie. If you want to know who Jeannie really is, you should go to my links page and check her out. She is a fantastic girl that is getting married on November 9th. God. What am I going to wear? I have ACTUALLY never been to a wedding for a friend of mine. I have been to two weddings in my life and both times I barely knew the people. Kind of excited!!!!
I spoke with my dad and mom last night. It was a great conversation. I was only dreading calling them because I miss them so much. They live all the way in Albany and I live all the way in NYC. Ok...it could be totally worse. Reets' parents live in Germany. Damn Germans. Taking away everyone we love.
Since I was in highschool...I have developed this overwhelming paranoia that my parents are gonig to die suddenly and leave me alone on the cold, hurtful earth. I picture them being diagnosed with lung cancer and making it 3 months before they are ripped out of my life. Rita and Kelly tell me over and over that this isn't going to happen and that I really just need to let it go. "They've got years to live", they say. I just nod and try to do my best to block it from my mind. All I can think of is that I had the same massive anxiety about my grandmother dying suddenly and leaving me alone. Then she did die about 6 months after I developed this fear. I still haven't found a way to be positive about her death. So I am just worried. Do I spend my life with them, making memories? Or do I move here to NYC and selfishly pursue the movie star dream? Gosh. Tough decision. But I have obvioulsy already made up my mind. I live in NYC and not Albany. So sometimes, when I miss them a whole lot, I avoid the phone cuz I know it will bring me down.
They are planning a visit next weekend. They love to come down to my apartment, hang with my friends, drink tons of beer/wine and smoke some bowls. My mom actually sits in a room with my friends and gets stoned. She loves it. And I love her for loving it. She's adorable. And I hope she brings pot when she comes, cuz I am out!
So, as I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted by my need to explain other things, Rita is going to visit Jeannie this Saturday to look at wedding dresses for the big day. Kelly has to work Saturday night and I will be home all alone. I LOVE THAT! It never happens. Never. And I will get to walk around naked, play with myself on the couch, and eat whatever the fuck I want. Ok...like I couldn't eat what I wanted on days when they are home. But it will fun to eat naked while playing myself. And that's the whole point, isn't it?
So, tonight, Rita and I go to Penelope's to have a couple drinks with her. I hope she is holding herself together. I read her blogger this morning, and my tears flowed directly onto my keyboard. It was so heartfelt, touching, and awful. I am sorry Penelope that you have to deal with this shit. It isn't fair and it isn't cool. My heart is with you.
Kelly wrote a pretty incredible entry in her diary last night. I told her that she should try writing more about how she feels and less about a recap of her day. Not that recaps aren't so fun! Really, it's the only way we (Rita and I) can keep in touch with her. But I want her to be able to use her diary as a sort of release as well. She is in this phase (most likely the Robot mode that Rita is always talking about) that causes her to not feel anything at all. Kelly is someone that is just naturally so sensitive and now, she is like a rock! She has had to pick up her pieces all by herself lately and she is doing a fine job. She seems in excellent spirits, and I am proud of her. It will all balance out for her eventually, but to be honest...I don't think she could get through this semster if it weren't for this robot mode that she is in. It is keeping her going to work, going to school, and going to class. And she will collapse on the last day of school, only to realize that she accomplished EVERYTHING and is actually GRADUATING! What an amazing time that is going to be. OH! GOSH! I just can't wait. I will finally have all of my friends out of college. I feel like she and I went through this same thing, only four years ago, when she graduated highschool.
Alright, I have been at work for an hour and a half already and I have done NOTHING in the form of work.
Well, not true. If you count 45 minutes of endless writing in my bloggle work, then I will be promoted by the end of the day.
Hey Edward. You still there and reading? I will do a full entry about you soon. Stay with me bud. I miss you and love you.

Alright...that's it for today folks! 8 more minutes and I am out! Peace be with you my friends.
Fucking phone....
Alright....love you and love N'SYNC! Have a great night and we will be here at the same time, same place, same annoying life tomorrow!

OH MY GOD! And I took this totally honestly, I promise! MY BOYS! MY BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYS!

LOLOLOLOLLLOOOLOLOLOLOLOLLLOLOOLOLOLOLOLOL
Qual montanha você seria?

OF FUCKING COURSE!

I tashte like Alcohol. Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?

23 minutes left of work. Rita thinks that this no class-asshole John, is someone I know. Be on the look out people. I am going to figure out who you are and DESTROY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Evil/Wicked laughter)

So I just checked my new guest book and this guy "John" wrote something fucking discusting in it. I mean, please feel free to write whatever you want...but I mean, have SOME class! If you want to know what John said in his guest book entry, write me and I will tell you.

Damn. I have taken so many tests today. I feel like I am back in highschool! Except a fun highschool where your tests told you what Tarot Card and Daria character you are.
Sorry for those of you that don't like tests. I have included them all because I feel like everyone will be able to find at least one test that appeals to them. But even more importantly, they all describe me in some little way. So fucking deal with it. (Daria shining through here)

Hey Reets! This one is for you! And look what I am:

Wow. Today is the day of cheesy tests. I will make SURE that I have one for everyone in here:


Which tarot card are you?

Now this one was fun:

What is YOUR Highschool label?

For shits and giggles:

R

You are restricted. Well done, you're now
practically adult in nature, and plus, you
get to see nudity - have fun.

"Which Movie Classification Are You?"
Test created by Jamie - take it here.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY PENELOPE!
I promise things will get better from here on in. You have a wonderful day today and keep your chin up!
You are a hilarious, sensitive, strong girl. And I am proud to be your friend.
Come back to work real soon now, y'hear?

Still have to piss so bad.

I have to piss so badly right now. I have been holding it for like 45 minutes. Have you ever been so not in the mood to piss that you are willing to hold it in until the kidneys just collapse and shrivel? Well, if not, you don't know what you are missing.
I am so hungry today, but I know I must wait until lunch before I eat. Really trying to cut down on this "Eat all the time" craze I got goin.
Work is so slow today. Nice and quiet. But uneventful and boring nonetheless.
So last night I am watching the Real World. Of course. What else would I be doing on a Tuesday evening at 10pm? Surely not doing anything but! Let me just say again how much I love this show. So damn good. I sat there thinking how badly I would have wanted to be a part of this cast. I auditioned (or sent in audition tapes rather) twice to Mary Ellen Bunim and Mr. Jonathan Murray, but they were like: "He is a boring, generic gay man. We obviously can't cast him." And I think that it worked out for the best. I am definitely someone that wanted to be on the Real World because I thought it was such a cool concept. Not at all because I wanted people to see my habits and weaknesses broadcast over their television. But the cast that is on now is my favorite. I would love to chill with them for awhile. Aneesa especially. She reminds me a lot of my lesbian friends. (Which aren't many) She is not exactly like them persay, as much as she goes through similar things that they go through. Right Mariah? And Aneesa talks to her mother on the phone the exact same way that Mariah talks to hers. It's pretty damn hilarious.
I have to call my dad tonight. He is all pissed at me because it has been two weeks and I have yet to pick up the phone. I just don't want to talk! I love him dearly, it's just that I don't feel like re-hashing some of the things we are going to need to talk about.
Ugh.
I am so glad that it is Wednesday. Two more days to go until the weekend. So not in the mood to be here right now.

A rainy Wednesday.
That is what it is.
Cold and dreary.
A Soda without fizz.
Boogers.

We can thank Rita for this funny as shit, but perfectly useful information:

My Mormon name is Jeffren CalDean!
What's yours?

WELCOME BACK TO ME!
Wow. I feel like I have been gone for years and years. Or maybe just days and days, but either way...it's been way too long. My trip to visit Paul and Mariah in Boston was fucking amazing. Really, I don't think there was one moment that I wished I could be anywhere else. We ate like fucking hoss's, smoked our brains out, and drank like Prohibition was on its way back in. I spent most of the weekend fucked up, but it was good and totally needed. I mean, I did spend a whole 4 and a half hour bus ride to Boston without a drink, so it was much deserved to start boozing the minute I walked in the door.
Paul and Mariah paid for everything. Without question. They took me out, bought me dinner, and even gave me little suprises the whole time I was there. Gosh. I just had the best time. So good in fact, that when Mariah looked at me with those sad eyes on Sunday afternoon, I just knew that I had to stay for another night. How could I possibly leave her on her birthday?
It is so weird. Every time I go to Boston, I immediatly want to shuck it all and move back there. The place is just damn fun and I know the city well enough to get myself around. It's like I sort of live there too. BUT...and this is a big BUT, if I lived there again, I know that I would fall into the abyss of party all the time and never get anything done. Much like the year that I spent there. Mariah is readying for her move to NYC. She is terrified and scared. And she should be. It is a huge change. But it is a much needed change and at some point we all gotta settle down and get started on our careers. That is what NYC is for. So I encourage her to move and I eagerly anticipate her arrival. Just think Mariah...we won't have to say goodbye anymore. And on top of that...we can visit Boston any time you want. We will be bus buddies. But we MUST take busses that show movies. Otherwise, you would be forced to sing and I would be forced to harmonize for the whole trip.
Paul and I got along so well. He took amazing care of me. When it finally came time for me to leave, I felt this emptiness that scared me. I haven't felt that emptiness in so long. I felt like I couldn't possibly go on without him. I find myself whining and complaining, laying all over the apartment, just trying to put off the inevitable. When he and I are together, we are like a force. Soulmates, Mariah calls us. When I am with Paul, I am in love. After 2 years and a couple of months, I am still in love with this boy. Sex comes forth. Right after hugs, laughs, and food. I want to be with him every minute that I am there. And most of the time, I find myself clinging on to him for dear life. I sit in his lap, hold him whenever he sits still for 5 minutes, and am constantly telling him that it is time for love. Love equals kissing me and making me feel special. And he complies with it, cuz he loves me.
It feels so good to be loved by that. But this kind of love is dangerous. It makes you want to chuck it all and just spend every waking moment creating and enjoying each other's company. I still find myself looking at other guys and wondering what they would be like without their clothes on, but I don't get that compulsive need to meet someone new. (Like I always do when I am in the city) UGH. If we could just live in the same area for once. Just to see if this shit would really work.
I love you Paul. So much that I wish I could figure out a way for us to be together and to still accomplish all that we want out of life. I'm working on it.
Besides drinking and smoking non-stop this weekend, we also had a picnic outside, played basketball with the local black kids, and sang and danced like it was our birthday. OH! That's right. It WAS our birthday. Mariah's 24th! And I hope she enjoyed every minute of it.
On Saturday night, we went to this gay country club. Gay Country Club. (Those words should never even be in the same sentence) It took us about a half hour to get there, and we were lucky enough to have this girl drive us. However, the minute we stepped out of the car...I proclaimed: "Hey everyone! I left my wallet all the way back in Boston!"
oops.
Paul was fucking incredible and immediately offered to drive me back to get it. It was so fun to be in the car with him. We blared music, smoked a joint, and made the best of a shitty situation. That is why I love Paul. I can do something totally ridiculous and he just goes with the flow. He keeps me calm and he just takes care of it. Man....he was so cool about it. Especially since I would have been PISSED if he had done the same thing. Good old Joe. Always going off the handle at stupid things.
So the country club turned out to be a blast. Unfortunately, the night life shuts down at 2am in Boston....which has proven to be TOO EARLY on every occassion. But we made the best of it. We smoked another joint on the way home, made a huge feast at the apartment and had chocolate Martinis to celebrate Mariah's bday! Such a good time.
I think I gained like 12 pounds from the visit. Paul calls it my Christmas pudge. (I call it the usual pudge, but whatever)
Now I am back in NY and back at work. Everyone was really cool to me today, which was a relief. I always get worried that I am going to get in "trouble" or something when I skip out on a day of work. But instead, I walked in and everyone was like: "Happy 1 Year Anniversary" and blah blah blah. I totally forgot that it was my work anniversary. But it is. So I guess I should be proud.
Okay...moment of pride over. Time to find a new job.
Penelope is having her 30th bday this week. She is kind of dreading it, but she took the whole week off to soften the blow. Good for her. A whole WEEK of doing nothing, but living and being happy. Unfortunately, her dog, Bailey, had to be put to sleep on Sunday. My heart snapped in two when I spoke with her on the phone last night. She doesn't deserve so much heartache all at once. My heart (what's left of it) and prayers are with her, but I just wish that there was more that I could do. Losing a pet, especially a BAILEY pet, is so difficult. It is almost impossible. She is off to a Knicks game tonight and hopefully seeing some hot, buff, black men will cheer her up. If not, I plan to get her FUCKED UP on Thursday. Drinks, pot, and laughs. Can't wait.
I guess that is it for today. Got a pretty easy week ahead of me. So long as I don't get thrown any fast balls. You know how that is....one minute things are boring, monotonous, and annoying....the next minute...I have 8 fingers, a brain tumor, and am struggling to choke down solid food. I just don't get this thing we call "life".

barp

Well, I am leaving in exactly 45 minutes to go to Boston to visit Mariah and Paul. Mariah's birthday is Sunday and we are gonna do it up! I am so excited. I feel like it is Christmas or something. I just hope the visit goes well. That Paul behaves himself and that I will be on my game.
This week has been hellish. Work has been crazy, personal life has been for shit, and I haven't jerked off in days to get ready for Paul. :)
My bus leaves at 2pm and should get in around 6:30pm. I plan to get some rest, finish my book, and get myself prepared for what is to be a grand weekend.
Everyone have a great weekend and please come back for some more fun and laughs on Monday!
Be well!

Good afternoon Bloggle.
Today has FLOWN by. I mean, it is now 4:52pm and the last time I saw the clock was at 3:10pm. TIME TO GO!
I got my hair cut today. I think it looks pretty good. I went a whole blade down on the clippers. I am now a 1" boy. And I look rather studly. mmmmmmmmmmm.....studly. Time to go home and masturbate to myself.

OH MY LORD. If you need two seconds of pure unadulterated laughter, I would encourage you to click on this:
Pure Unadulterated Laughter

WOW. I feel great today. Woke up feeling refreshed and happy. Very rare that the good mood hits me so early in the morning. But when it happens, I say: "ROCK!" And I get up and get going.
No. That is really what happened this morning. My eyes opened to my alarm. I screamed out loud: "ROCK!" and then I got my naked ass out of bed. Weird. But totally enjoyable.
Penelope is out again today. She is having the WORST time with her teef. Not her Otis Teef. Her teef teef. From what my boss (Speck) says, she is having a wisdom tooth pulled today cuz it is infected. YIKES! She must be in so much pain. It is really not good. I hope she is holding in there.
So, my little friend Kel-Kel has some anonymous readers. It feels so good when that happens. I checked out the sites of her new readers. They actually are nice looking girls. Better than my hideous readers. And I don't mean you Rita or Penelope. I shall leave the names of my horrifying readers out of this, cuz I want them to come back. But still...you know who you are.
Leaving for Boston in 2 days! Fucking excited. I haven't been there in SO long. I think it has been just about 2 months. Good for me. I used to run there every time I had the chance. But now that I love NYC, it is getting easier to be here every weekend. In fact, part of me is actually a little depressed to not be going out in the city this weekend. It is just about my favorite thing to do here. The gay scene is just BOOMING! And the guys are not ugly. Well some are. But they are my readers.
I have to get my haircut today. Much overdue. I want to look as good as possible when I go to see Paul. I want him to ravage me.
Just as long as he doesn't stick his fingers in my asshole as hard as last time. When he gets drunk, he loses all sense of sensuality and becomes this finger sticking maniac. And then I hurt.
Rita is going to see her boyfriend this weekend too. I know she is excited. It will be the first time she has visited Syracuse since she moved. If I were her, I would be itching to get back to the old stomping grounds for a couple of days. She will come back to NYC alive and rejuvenated. She and I both need to get away. Just so we can take that sigh of relief. oh and get some dick!
I have this account on Yahoo Personals that is sort of like, well...um....a personal. I have gotten 5 replies so far. The first one...HOT MOTHA FUCKING HOT. But I felt like he was lying about his pic. It was like this really perfect, straight out of
Musclemag pic. Fuck that shit.
The next couple were fucking discusting pictures of these guys with their dicks in their hands.
Then today, I get this email from this guy named Dean.
Dean seemed so cool in his message. Really sweet. But "bi-curious". You know what we gays think about bi-curious...
BLECH!
But he has this link to his webpage in the email, and I figure, why not just check it out and see if he is my type.
As I sat here and looked at the picture, I thought to myself, well he IS really cute. A little too thin for me, but great tatoo and nice cuts. (meaning abs and the such) (I don't usually go for cuts as much as I go for mass, but he peaked my curiousity)
There was a link to more pictures of Dean on his webpage. I am thinking "Nice...let's see if I really find this kid attractive afterall." So I click on the link and to my HORROR, he is standing naked in a pool with his dick peeking out of the water. It was so little and I GASPED! Next thing I know, my boss comes booming out of his office and I QUICKLY minimize the pic with my heart pounding out of my chest. OMIGOD! What is wrong with this Dean kid? He almost got my ass in trouble. Or maybe I almost got my ass in trouble. Or maybe my ass likes being in trouble.
And lastly...why would you choose a picture that involves your dick literally peeking out of a pool?
Ok anyway...Dean, Dean, little penis Dean. GO AWAY!
So that was the excitement of my morning. Now I guess I should go fill the fax machine with paper since it has been beeping incessantly since I started this entry. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Alright...GOSH! One last test for the day and then I will stop with all the bullshit. I just found that this test was extremely important in figuring out my true identity. You may feel the same.



What Sex Toy Are You?

I happened to be scouting the net looking for something to cure my boredom. Suddenly and without warning, I found this site and began ejaculating on myself. If you are curious as to what could be so HOT HOT HOT....you may feel like clicking here:
Special suprise
However, if you are looking for something a little more erotic, you may just want to check out my all time favorite site:
YUM!
And finally, if you are looking for something to just kill time, you may be wanting to play around on this:
Fun fun fun
Enjoy these if you are bored. If you are offended, fuck off.

This is in tribute to my friends' and my SCREAM obsession:

Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty

# posted by Joe : 1:02 PM