Cut the Shit

Beauty, Beauty, Everywhere

For today’s entry, I’ve decided to write about types of people that I find to be remarkably beautiful. I was walking down Broadway the other day and I realized that in a city with so much grime and litter, it’s easy to overlook the truly beautiful people that make up the details of my home. If I try, I can say beautiful five more times in this paragraph. Especially since beautiful is as beautiful does. Ah yeah beautiful! It’s your birthday! So beautiful you are beautiful.

Fair enough!

First of all, I have SUCH a love for masculine gay businessmen. I love a man in a suit, with a clean cut look, power tie, and the best of all, contemporary and classy glasses. My ideal business man would be thin, cropped hair, good looking, but more focused on business than glam. Cuz when you take those glasses off, it’s like She’s All That. Suddenly, they become the king of the prom! My friend Rita would be proud. She’s been trying to get me on the dork band wagon for years.

Big, bountiful, gorgeous black women. Man, I love em. I love their sass, their personality, their style, and their overall confidence. Big women in general always get my attention and I find their particular voluptuousness to be more attractive and intriguing than a girl who works out every day at the gym. Maybe it’s because I’m gay, or maybe it’s because I can recognize beauty easier than most straight men. Either way, I love a woman who has tits and ass and knows how to work her special gifts.

Lately, I’ve been really into skinny guys. I don’t know what the deal is. I go through this phase off and on and these days I’m on. There is this student that comes in to my office and he’s got a great looking face, good style, and he weighs a whopping 140#. I find myself staring at him at the most random moments, not just because I think he’s good looking, but because I don’t know why I’m intrigued by such skinniness. Maybe it’s cuz I want to be that skinny? Or maybe it’s because I want to be that skinny. Either way (haha), skinny guys (with hot faces and good haircuts) are definitely doing it for me as of late.

The ultimate in beauty to me is the guy that works out so obsessively that he has no time for anything else. If I see a guy who is 300# of muscle, I freak (see the picture above of international phenom Markus Ruhl). I get all nervous in my stomach and if I end up talking to them, I stumble over my words and try to act all cool. If I ever masturbate (which I always do), I jerk off soley to this type of man. There’s nothing like a strong, built guy that’s going to throw me over his shoulder and fuck me all over the apartment. He doesn’t even have to kiss me when he’s done. Just piss on me and leave.

Cept if you piss on me, I’m going to punch you in your dickhead.

Since I was in college, I’ve always had a thing for girls like Kate Moss. “Heroin Chic” is dangerous and a deadly way to live, but man, I think it’s captivating and gorgeous. The Olsen Twins may be too thin and gross to a lot of people, but I say…bring it on! Please understand that I realize the epidemic that is bulimia and anorexia, but staying very thin can be done in a healthy way. Just ask my friend Angie who is the smallest friend I have. And I think her body is damn near perfect. I love little, just like I love big. Cept they’re opposites. Yet really…so much the same.

Bboys – Oh my God. The Bboy. These are black guys that are kind of ghetto, but end up possessing STYYYYYYYYYLE and are so naturally cool. Sometimes I can be cool, but no matter what I do, I will never be as cool as the Bboy. They listen to the best music, fuck the best, and can score you the best weed. Their bodies tend to be ripped and although that kind of physicality doesn’t really do it for me, when it’s covered up by chocolate skin and baggy jeans/hooded sweatshirt combo…BOO DAMN! Count this cracka in!

Rather than walk around the city and focus on the overwhelming ugliness, I’ve recently tried to find the person on the subway or in the restaurant that I find fascinating. It makes the time go faster and it’s really allowed me to open my mind to what’s truly beautiful in this world. Mostly, having confidence is the way to go. It can turn the fugliest person into the hottest shit out there.

I have to remember that.

Addendum

1) Please don't think that I don't realize that there are wonderful straight people out there who support the gay community. Most of my friends fall into that demographic.

2) The post before this is not accepting comments. I don't understand why. Feel free to leave them here.

Thanks all!

The Brokeback Effect

***Spoiler Alert***

You just KNEW that I was going to have to address this movie at some point. What you didn’t know is that I hated it with every fiber of my being. It’s just that…SIKE! How could I have possibly hated it? Don’t be so gullible and foolish.

Paul and I went to see Brokeback Mountain on, appropriately enough, Valentine’s Day. We were both up really late the night before partying with all of his friends and decided to take the next day as low key as possible. This entailed a nice lunch and a viewing of the most talked about movie since, well…forever.

The movie itself was visually stunning, with rolling landscapes and absolutely perfect production design. Seeing it up on the big screen made the grandiose nature of it all just pop out of the pastures and right into your face. This section of Wyoming can be seen as poor and rugged, but seeing the details of the rippling water and the fluffy white clouds rolling by…it was almost too breathtaking to capture in words.

When Heath Ledger’s “Ennis” and Jake Gyllenhaal’s “Jack” first meet each other, you can feel the tension between them almost immediately. Jack’s interest in Ennis happened as soon as he laid eyes on him. There was a strong ethereal connection that floated in the air above them and as an audience member, I immediately started to grow uncomfortable by how real and honest these feelings were represented. So gritty and basic, yet so strongly the truth.

As most everyone knows at this point, Jack and Ennis are in charge of herding cattle from one location to another and must spend the summer with no contact to the outside world. They sleep on different parts of the mountain and only meet up for breakfast and dinner. Even when they do reconvene, the conversation is strained and the intensity of their lives is amplified by the deafening silence between them.

It was about 45 minutes into the movie when I had to make a choice: either disconnect emotionally or allow the movie to rip my guts out and slap me in the face with them. I chose the easy way out, while Paul confronted his feelings head on. But then again, it’s been a long time since I’ve been ashamed of my sexuality and for Paul it’s still pretty fresh.

The story takes an immediate and almost improbable sharp turn when you least expect it. Jack and Ennis get drunk together and Ennis decides to sleep outside Jack’s tent, rather than make the trek back to the sheep. As fate would have it, a snowstorm blows in and in order to maintain warmth, both men need to huddle together in the smallest pup tent in Wyoming. It’s at this moment that Jack reaches behind him, grab’s Ennis’s hand and pulls him into the spooning position. Within seconds, they’re having the angriest, most passionate, emotionally driven sex that any two male cowboys could engage in. It wasn’t exactly beautiful, but it was definitely powerful and devastating.

As the movie continues, both men are separated by their otherwise heterosexual lives and the heartache is only punctuated by the brief moments of excitement they feel when they are reunited on random “fishing” trips. It’s with each hug that you can almost taste the power of their love. When Ennis is chain smoking and chugging beer in anticipation of Jack’s first arrival, I thought “I’ve been there. I’ve felt that way.” And I hated myself for ever feeling that lost and desperate.

Both men get married and have kids and both men are stuck in loveless and embarrassing relationships. You end up feeling mostly bad for Jack since he is the one that wants to accept his sexuality and to create a semi-normal life for himself. It’s Ennis who holds him back and it’s ultimately Ennis who suffers the worst of the heartbreak.

As those who have seen the movie know, Jack ends up dying towards the end of the movie. Ang Lee decided to go the route of gay bashing, although the short story that this movie is based on, doesn’t explain it in that way. From the multiple articles I’ve read about the movie since seeing it, this was a choice that the screenwriter and director made and for me, with Ennis’s background, it was an adequate and appropriate decision to make.

When we walked out of the theater, I felt completely dead inside. How awful is it to have to hide who you truly are? How heartbreaking is it to be forced to stay away from someone you love, for fear that you will be harassed, ridiculed, and in many cases, murdered? And then there’s the women in these men’s lives, who did nothing, but love them, support them, and give them children. Why should they be forced to deal with this kind of hurt as well?

Paul cried for hours about this movie – in fact, he started to cry again on Sunday when we were walking around the West Village. It’s a movie that resonates deeply with those who still can’t find a way to love themselves for who they are. For me, it’s a movie that makes me more angry, then sad. It makes me furious that we live in a society that teaches and breeds hate. Why, in God’s (yes, God’s) name would anyone think they have the right or the power to decide who is acceptable to love? Really…why? I’m not a man of violence, but this issue brings out that side of me. If I had the opportunity, I would drive out to Middle America and just start putting bullets in the heads of these close-minded bigots.

Is it extreme to feel that way? Or is it just us gays finally fighting for the right that so many of you take for granted?

At the end of the movie when Ennis is standing in front of the mirror, looking at Jack’s shirt, tears filled his eyes. He realized at that moment that his chance of making things right with Jack were lost. He realized that by allowing other people to decide what love means to him, he blew his one chance at having a life filled with happiness and joy; a life filled with true love and fulfillment.

It’s not easy to be a gay man in today’s society, but it’s also not as difficult as it once was. There are areas in this country where you can live and thrive as a homosexual; just make sure you stick on the East and West coasts. I can only hope that the next generation, our hope for the future, will eventually put an end to this type of acceptable hatred. We are AMERICA after all and people come here from all over the world to have a chance at a happy and free life.

Clearly I believe that Brokeback Mountain should sweep the Oscars. Clearly, Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal and Michelle Williams deserve all of the accolades they’ve received for their work in this movie. But I would also be just as happy if Ang Lee (director of the atrocious Hulk) was the only one to walk away with a statue. It was his vision, his sensitivity and his courage that enabled this process to come to its most honest conclusion. I am in awe of his bravery and talent. And I am grateful. So grateful that this movie was made as delicately and as beautifully as it was. So grateful that I have this movie as a reminder of where I’ve been and where I’m going. And justly so, it will serve as a reminder for everyone, whether gay or straight.

It’s about time that all people realize the pain that gay men like myself go through on an almost daily basis. And it’s about time that the jokes, the stereotypes, and the hate are demolished. It’s just not funny. And aside from it being base and lacking in creativity, it has the power to cause tragedy.

Tragedy that most of you will never fully understand. And for that, you're lucky.

Weekend from Heaven

Man alive! What a great and perfect weekend I had! Serioso! Most of my weekends are pretty good, but this one in particular was absolutely fanfuckingtastic.

My parents and brother drove in to town around 4pm on Friday and the festivities began right away. A vodka/red bull for my brother, my mother, and myself – a glass of white zinfandel for the popski. My brother and I gave my parents their anniversary gift (2 tickets to see Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons at Mohegan Sun – hotel and dinner included). They LOVED the gift and then proceeded to give US Valentines gifts that were actually better than the anniversary gifts we gave them. Go figure. Those parents of mine…never cool just having a day for themselves. They’re overboard generous.

We stayed up until 5am playing games and music and laughing our asses off. My parents brought down the family dog (a long haired dachshund named “Bizmark”). Tyler and Bizmark got along famously and we even caught them sitting in the corner french kissing. No joke! They were totally licking each other on the inside of the other dog’s mouth. It was sick and beautiful all at the same time. Paul got home from work around 1am and made us sandwiches. The night ended with us watching Lindsay Jacobellis ruin the Gold medal in Snowboarding. I have never seen anything more hilarious in my entire life. My brother was making the funniest jokes on the planet, replete with voiceovers, and I sat there laughing so hard a couple drips of pee came out.

Other than going on a pretty basic dinner date on Saturday night, I found the time to watch 5 movies. I rank them in the following order (best to worst):
Reservoir Dogs
Murderball
Wedding Crashers
Zathura
Red Eye

They were all excellent, with the exception of Red Eye. I’m not quite sure I understand why everyone was going on and on about that movie. It was pretty predictable and not very suspenseful. But somehow the rest of the world seems to LURVE it, so maybe I missed something. I don’t think I’ll watch it again to figure that out tho.

Yesterday, Paul and I got showered and went on the gay bar tour of the West Village. We hit all the old haunts: Duplex, Monster, Stonewall…It was freezing outside, so the numerous glasses of wine totally hit the spot. I have to say, Paul and I had the most amazing day yesterday. We were laughing our asses off from the moment we woke up until the moment we went to bed. Usually we don’t drink well together and end up getting into one fight or another. But yesterday, even as we sat buzzed at dinner, I looked at him and just loved him all over again. He’s an amazing guy and I think that if he actually works through some of the heartache that he’s dealing with, he might turn out to be the exact guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know…it’s a lot to think about today, so I’m just going to say one more time – we had the absolute time of our lives yesterday.

For some reason, both Paul and I were awake at 4:30am this morning. We lay there quietly until about 5:30am when we finally realized that we were both dealing with insomnia. I almost pissed myself when the clock struck 6am and I hear Paul say out of nowhere “So what do you want for dinner tonight?” I looked over at him and was like “HAHAHAHA. I DON’T KNOW!”

Well it was really funny at the time. But never as funny as watching Lindsay Jacobellis try to do a trick at the end of her medal qualifying snowboard race. Holy shit what a botard.

My hands are really dry today and my fingertips are actually sliding off the keyboard. That’s weird. And also erotic.

I joined Netflix for a temporary free trial. It’s working out well and all, but I can’t figure out how to open the package without destroying the return envelope. It’s maddening. I’m really bad at those “Tear along the perforated edge” instructions. I just end up ripping the whole thing open and then standing there like a 2 year old. Netflix is getting the best of me. But just you wait! I’ll get the best of them by quitting the service before the trial runs out. Take THAT perforated edges!

If you haven’t seen this already, then let me introduce you to the funniest thing ever created on the net: Monk E Mail. Send this to all your friends and reap all the benefits of being the first person to show it to them.

Here’s to all of us having a spectacular week!

Happy 30th Anniversary Mom and Dad!

So because last weekend there was a record breaking blizzard in NYC, my parents were unable to make it into the city to celebrate their anniversary with my brother and me. We've since rescheduled for tonight and I couldn't be more excited to have the whole family together. I was really disappointed last weekend when I got that call from my mom saying it would be impossible for them to drive down. In fact, we were all so upset that we barely spoke on the phone that day. But when I spoke to my moms this morning, she was all "YAY!" and "I'm leaving work even earlier so we can get on the road!"

We're going to have a night of playing games and drinking our faces off. My brother and I got them a fatty gift and we're going to have a cake and a trivia game about their life. It's going to be a fantastic evening.

I'll be back on Monday with a full report! Until then, have a great weekend yourself! Also, I apologize for my comments not working. I appreciate the emails I've gotten from you guys (you're so dedicated!) and hope that with this post, they're back up and running.

PEACE OUT my lovers.

Paul’s Birthday Extravaganza

Paul turned 29 yesterday – yes that’s right – on Valentine’s Day! I always thought that was so cool that he was born on a holiday. Even if it is a fake holiday. But then I also realized that I would never get a proper Valentine’s Day for ME since I would have to take care of him on his special day. Now that we’re on a break, it was easy for me to forget all about the V-Day bullshit and focus completely on him. And might I say, that it was two days of pure awesomeness.

On Monday night, Paul threw himself a “little” bash”. And by “little”, I mean HUGE! There were over 25 people in our apartment, all talking at once and chugging incredibly expensive wine. Everyone was asked to bring something to share and considering that all of Paul’s friends work in the restaurant business, they didn’t chintz out on quality whatsoever.

Someone bought Paul a new bong (which was really a gift for me since I’m the pot king in our household). Someone else bought Tyler a new collar and yet another person brought bottles of Kettle One. My personal favorite was the culinary chef who brought a homemade birthday cake. He was beaming and I was happy to see him feel so appreciated by his friends.

I was absolutely the hostess with the mostess. I ran around and filled drinks, continuously packed up the bong, made 25 new best friends and rescued my dog from being trampled at least a dozen times. I was busy, to say the least. For 3 hours this cocktail party raged and with the music reaching deafening volumes, I decided that it was time for us to go to dinner before the superintendent began pounding on our door. Paul ushered everyone out and on to the street while I stood with my friend Mariah in my living room gaping at the disaster. My white countertops were turned purple by the amount of red wine spillage and even the dog had some sort of shit stuck in his fur. Mariah and I burst out laughing and we ran to catch up with everyone.

At the restaurant, the first guy to sit told the waitress that “we would like to order one of everything on the menu”. When I caught wind of that, I pulled Paul aside and was like “WHAAAA!?” Although there only turned out to be 8 people at dinner (the rest got lost or passed out somewhere in the gutter), the bill was close to $500. I grabbed Mariah and we went to smoke while the rest of them figured out how to divide it up. Ridiculously overboard. But we weren’t asked to chip in, so that made me feel better.

One chick was so drunk, she was GRATING on my nerves. I’m talkin GRATE and I’m talkin ING. After some of the people we were with made fools of themselves due to their intoxication level, I grabbed Mariah and ushered her back to my apartment for some cake. We were having a great time talking and catching up when suddenly phase two of the party happened and the entire group showed back up at my place. Even the wasted girl. I served cake and we sang “Happy Birthday” and Paul smiled from ear to ear. I just loved him so much that night.

After about an hour or so and Mariah making a quick and clever exit, I decided that it was time for people to get kicked out. Most left without a problem as they were so fucked up, they couldn’t even keep their eyes open. But wasted chick was belligerent and pissing me off. I said “Time to go new friend!” She proceeded to pour ANOTHER glass of red wine, take one of my cigarettes and say “I’m gonna drink this here wine and smoke this here cigarette and then we’ll talk about me leaving.”

Now, I’m a very nice guy and I will be as accommodating as I possibly can be in my apartment, but there is a line, that if crossed, brings out the boss in me.

I grabbed my cigarette out of her hand, took the glass of wine away and said “You don’t tell me. I tell you. Time to go.” Wasted chick got a look of shock on her face and said “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” And I said “GET. OUT.” She put on her jacket and said “Can I just smoke the cigarette first?” I said “Absolutely. Here you go”. I then handed her the smoke and then in one fell swoop pushed her out the front door. I locked the door, looked at Paul and we both just started to laugh.

All in all it was a beautiful evening. It made me happy to see Paul having such a wonderful time. It’s rare that he gets to do anything that’s just for him, so it was important to me that he had a beautiful birthday.

We slept in yesterday and then went out to lunch and to see Brokeback Mountain. Of course the movie was fucking flawless, but I didn’t cry at all. And usually I’m a huge crier at movies. But Paul did cry. In fact, I think he’s still crying. The movie touched him deeply and it was very refreshing to see him connect so deeply to a film.

Over the last two days I saw something in Paul that I haven’t seen in a long time. He was genuinely happy and in turn wanted nothing, but for me to be happy. We cuddled a lot last night and I was surprised to realize that having his arms around me felt like home. We may be taking a break at the moment, but there is still this huge part of me that knows our relationship is far from over.

Could this be a new beginning?

A List of the People that REALLY get on my LOVE:

Welcome to a love session! After yesterday’s bitchery, I thought it might be nice to end the week with a lil’ bit o’ love for the people that not only make a difference in this world, they provide us with constant hours of beautiful and classy entertainment. If you’re on this list, you should be proud of yourself for not being annoying or trashy and for using your celeb status for good, rather than skanky evil.

1) Heidi Klum – My good friend Ari and I are both fans of the German beauty. Not only is she nice and real and classy, Heidi has the IT factor that you hear so much about in Hollywood. She can take a show like Project Runway and turn her host obligations into something so much more important. She speaks her mind freely, doles out respect in generous amounts, and overall has so much charisma and charm that you want to sweep her up into your arms and give her a big smack on the lips. Sometimes Heidi looks like an alien, but an alien that would come to earth and make it over into something even more beautiful.

2) Jeff Probst – Having hosted Survivor for over 10 seasons, Mr. Hotface, is one of the most consistent personalities on television. At times I have found that he crosses the line from smarm into sarcastic, but once I re-evaluate the situation, I realize that he is right for having taken that leap (Survivor contestants tend to be SO obnoxious). He knows how to keep the show moving and his intensity instills an extreme sense of excitement into each audience member. A consummate professional, Jeff Probst isn’t called “The Onetake Wonder” for nothing!

3) Mekhi Pfeiffer – Whether it’s playing a rapper in 8 Mile or as Dr. Gregory Pratt on ER, Pfeiffer is committed to each and every line he speaks. He is natural, compelling, and one of the best looking men on television. I was also happily surprised to see him on Celebrity Poker. He played well and conducted himself with such class that I adopted him as one of my favorite actors. Someone give this man an Oscar worthy script! Mekhi is going places and I will be proud to say that I’ve been following his career since Spike Lee’s Clockers.

4) Leonardo DiCaprio – Since I was a kid, Leo has been my favorite actor. The first movie I ever saw him in was Basketball Diaries and I was immediately hooked. He chooses the best roles, gives the most to every performance, and overall has a career that I aspire to achieve one day. There is something about this guy that gives me hope for American Cinema. He deserves all the accolades he receives and my hope is that one day he will be the next Marlon Brando. Without actors like DiCaprio, we wouldn’t be able to completely lose ourselves while watching a flick. If I ever win a prestigious award for my performance in a movie, I will surely thank Leo for being an inspiration to those of us who dream big.

5) Justin Timberlake – Say what you will, but if it’s negative, say nothing at all. With Justin headlining NSYNC, he quickly became one of my favorite performers of all time. When it was time to go solo, he revealed a side to his musical talents that far exceeded most expectations. The kid can sing like nobody’s business and MAN can he move. I could sit and watch Justin perform all day and get chills up and down my spine. Not only all of this, but he is segueing into the film world this year with the highly anticipated Alpha Dog. Usually I would root against musical artists trying to turn themselves into actors (Ashlee Simpson, anyone?), but with Timberlake, I want more of him. Not less. Keeping my fingers crossed that he becomes the true triple threat that I wish him to be.

6) Kevin Federline – The thing about this shocking talent is that lol sike! Imagine?! I would have just lost all my credibility. Kevin should go to sleep. Forever. Oh yeah. And ever.

I feel so at peace today, having given a listing of people who are making our entertainment lives so much more fulfilling. Thank you to all of the above for your contribution. I can now begin my weekend with my family in peace.

Be back next week lovers!

A List of the People that REALLY get on my Nerves:

Welcome to a bitch session. I was sitting at my computer today and getting increasingly more irritated at so many BONERS that I decided it was absolutely necessary to do a post on them. Why should I be the only person annoyed? Misery does love gay company after all!

1) Kristin Cavallari of MTV’s Laguna Beach. FUCK YOU. Seriously. What is WRONG with America??? If you’re on a lame ass reality show, why the fuck in the world would you suddenly be getting offered movie roles and showing up at the hottest Hollywood parties? Why is she sitting front row center during Fashion Week? WHY is this girl getting even more media attention now that the show is over? For the real actors of this world, who study and gather experience by actually performing, it must drive you MAD to see airhead chicks like this taking the roles that you justly deserve? Fucking crap shit bitch. I HATE the fact that she’s becoming the new “IT” girl. Again, I demand to know WHY?! Because her daddy paid for everything and she has done nothing to earn her status? Motherfuck, this bitch makes me physically angry.

2) People who have no idea how to walk around in a big city. It drives me INSANE that I have to stop and start walking every five seconds. I could do what other people in this city do and just walk over the top of you. But in general, I’m a pretty nice guy and just end up silently screaming in my head “MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” Don’t stop to look at the height of the buildings unless you are out of the way of pedestrian traffic. Don’t stand, talking on your cell phone, at the entrance to the subway. Don’t walk in a zig zag pattern so that the people trying to walk past you have to stop and switch directions after every five steps. Learn how to walk or just take a fucking cab.

3) Randy Jackson on American Idol. Just stop it. Stop it stop it stop it. While I can’t stand the show to begin with, most times there’s nothing else on. So lately, I’ve been watching the auditions and I’ve realized that Randy Jackson tells just about EVERYONE that they have more talent than he’s ever seen in the history of American Idol. For fuck’s sake…shut up! Stop using the term “dawg” after every sentence and stop trying to be anything, but a washed up, fat black dude. I can’t stand your face.

4) WHO CARES if Nicole Ritchie has an eating disorder? WHO CARES what stupid thing Paris Hilton has done this week? WHO CARES if Pete Doherty is still using and abusing crack/cocaine? WHO CARES WHO CARES WHO CARES!? Dig up some gossip that’s even remotely interesting and stop rehashing the same old shit week after week. This goes for YOU Perez Hilton. I love your site, but you’re becoming more ego inflated and stale with each passing post.

5) President Bush giving the middle finger to reporters? PRESIDENT (?) Bush giving the middle finger? And even if it’s not his middle finger as some people have claimed…the point still stands. We have the most obnoxious, dim-witted, terrible representation of the American people in office leading us to war and beyond. I fucking hate this douchebag and its video like this that makes me wonder how the fuck anyone could have really voted for him. Doesn’t shit like this just make you embarrassed?? I just can’t believe we have three more years of looking at this smug bastard’s face.

Ok, that should be good for today.

I’m sitting here getting all worked up for no reason at all. I need to go take a nap, smoke a cigarette and think happy thoughts. You know, like a boat carrying Kristin Cavallari, Bush, and Randi Jackson, sinking slowly into the Atlantic Ocean with no hope for recovery.

Ah…fantasies. How wonderful they can be…

CuttheShit Nuggets – Now with Extra Dipping Sauce!

I was outside talking to my mom on my cell phone, when something fell from the sky and skimmed my face before falling onto my jacket. I look down and it was literal pigeon shit. I quickly grabbed a napkin from a nearby bodega and wiped furiously at my face. NAST! Worst part is that I had to buy a sandwich, pick up a pack of cigarettes, and walk 4 blocks back to work before I could look in a mirror. That didn’t put me in the best mood during my lunch break. Side note: luckily I got most of the shit removed from my face before I had to take care of the remnants in the bathroom.

The SuperBowl this year was completely lackluster. The game, the commercials, the stale/outdated half time show…if it weren’t for my friend Kelly’s appetizers, the experience would have sucked all together. I had a good time with my friends, sitting around and talking, but otherwise, I am once again reminded why gay men have better things to do on the days of big sporting events.

My brother is coming to visit this week! I’m super excited about it. He will be pulling in to town on Thursday and we’ll begin partying promptly at 6pm. My parents come to town on Saturday and they’re bringing our family dog with them. I figured Tyler would love to have the company. They got along so well together over Christmas. It’s going to be a full house this weekend! And lots of fun.

In three weeks I have my one year anniversary of going to therapy. This is the longest that I’ve stuck with a therapist and I have to admit that I’m pretty proud of myself. My girl, Sophie, has helped me tremendously over the last year and I look forward to continuing our “work”together for a long time to come. Now if only I could figure out how to get my fee lowered. Hmmm….

Paul and I are getting along famously. Thank God for small pleasures.

My upper eyelid has been twitching ferociously for the last 24 hours. What’s the deal? Everyone has a different interpretation as to why it’s doing this and some of the ideas are pretty funny. My friend Ari says it’s because I’m tired (best theory yet). My boss said it’s because I’m lacking in calcium, which I can’t possibly believe since I eat more cheese every day than they have in the country of Uganda. One of the students at my job said it’s from staring at the computer, but that can’t be it since it was pulsating last night before I even looked at the computer today. And lastly, my mom said that I have a million ailments every day and it’s all in my head. Fair enough!

Time to quit smoking! My new annoying habit is clearing my throat every 30 minutes. As though I have a pound of phlegm resting comfortably in my throat. Geez Louise Mayonaisse.

Alrighty!

I’m off to get a personality transplant since mine SUCKS today.

PEACE!