Babies

There have been so many people that keep asking (or pushing) when Kraig and I are going to have another baby. Right now I am going to say we are done. Here is why.

I have no patients anymore. I lost it all within the first 6 weeks of Kate being born. I think the worse day was  only two weeks after she was born, and she cried for half of the day. I was totally frazzled, and I had no idea what to do. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I needed. Those first 6 weeks were the hardest of my life.
Mothering did not come naturally to me. During the first 48 hours of Kate's life, I kept thinking that it wasn't real. The second night at the hospital, instead of listening to my very smart SIL (who has four kids), I kept Kate in my room with me. I don't think I slept very much if at all that night. Kate started crying, and it took forever for me to calm her down. At one point during the night I should have sent her to the nursery, but I didn't.
It took me until Kate was about 18 months to 2 years before I was any good at nurturing. I tried, but I really wasn't very good at it before she was 18 months. Now at least I can get her to tell me what is wrong, or what she wants. Sometimes it requires waiting until she has calmed down.
I know everyone keeps saying that the next one will be different. Well different doesn't mean better, it doesn't mean easier. I can not handle Kate some days, throw another baby in the mix, and I may end up going off the deep end.
I love Kate, but there were times when she was first born that I would wish she would disappear. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to her. I just didn't want her around. I couldn't handle her. Now things are a lot better, and I am glad to have her.
There have also been people that tell me that they will play together. That may be true down the line, but not in the first two years of the new babies life. They don't really play until they reach two, and right now Kate would rather play by herself than with other kids. So that leaves Kraig and me to try and entertain two little kids at the same time. Again I would probably end up going off the deep end.
Mentally I can only handle one child right now. So that is all that I am going to have right now. If I don't take care of myself mentally and physically than I would end up not being able to take care of anybody. I have to do what is best for me and my little family.

People moving

Kate at her 2nd birthday party.


Recently Kate had three of her cousins move out of state. She also had one of her friends move away. I feel bad for her, and in some ways I am mourning the lose of these people in her life. I know that her cousins will still be there, but she isn't going to be able see them or play with them very often now. I also know that down the line she will forget about her friend, and she won't remember playing with her cousins. It kind of makes me sad.