A Wonderful Weekend

If you can't tell, last week was not filled with my finest mothering moments. Nope. Last week was streaked with discouraged tears, marred by frustrated exclamations and patched together with desperate searches for inspiration. I found myself crying through conference talks on quite a few morning runs.

But that is motherhood. It's not a job that yields finery. It's a job that yields refinement. And lucky for me, my kids are expert craftsmen. They know just where my rough edges are and they love to help me sand them down.

The week itself was an uneventful blur. I made an extra effort to increase play dates with friends. Aaron is in desperate need of friends lately.  He is a social being.  Whenever we enter any public playground he immediately scouts out the kids his age and initiates a game. He has a huge imagination and loves to draw others into his world.  And, he especially feels proud when he's able to help his friends.  We invited the Sharpe girls over for a whole afternoon and he loved stepping into the "hero" role over and over again. He makes a great hero.

There was soccer practice, (aka an opportunity for JJ to observe the cows in the neighboring field and collect as many rocks as his heart desires).

He was very sad when we left them behind.

The week ended with a bike rally for the Relay for Life hosted by Aaron's "cochlear implant school."  JJ was asked to be an honorary rider.  It was his happiest moment of the week, and perhaps mine too (up to that point).  His face beamed as he pumped those little pedals round and around the gym.  Sweet how such simple surprises can bring sweet feelings of joy.

Speaking of sweet, JJ was a big fan of the cupcakes at Kiera Sharpe's birthday party.  He ate his and most of mine too.

And then the weekend came, bringing with it wonderful friends and welcome sunshine.  The Roberts family drove down from NC to visit us, and we loved their company.

 Can't you tell?  This picture makes me giggle for so many reasons.  The expressions on the older kiddos, the clothing on the boys in the background (JJ is still wearing all his clothes plus his jacket).

 Our first official lake swim of the year was glorious.  I had to drag JJ from the chilly water up to the campfire afterwards.

 We talked and ate and reminisced with the Roberts around the campfire.  Aaron did his best to impress Violet with his smoothe moves in the water.  And JJ build the beautiful sand piles. 

 All in all, the wonderful weekend brought much needed balance back to life.  It was one of those "all will be well" moments.  We are so lucky to live in this beautiful place, and to get to share it often with great friends.  It's a wonderful life.  

The Worst Mom

I wrote this last night, and now as I read it I smile.  Life's not as bad as it seems sometimes.  And I guess that sometimes I'm not as bad as I feel, either.

April 17, 2013

Dear Journal,

It seems like I only make time to write in my journal these days when I reach a point of desperation.  I fear I cannot even post these thoughts on the blog because I’m too ashamed to admit what I’m really thinking right now.  Tears of defeat stream freely from my eyes now and I must admit the truth: I am a bad mom.  Really, truly, I’m not any good at this motherhood gig.  It’s what I chose to do.  It’s what I want to do (most of the time).  And I know it’s a good, noble calling—God wants me to be a mother.  But I utterly, completely, helplessly stink. 

I want more than anything to be a good mom.  I try really hard.  I play trains from sun up to sun down, do a few loads of laundry in between, motivate the boys to clean their rooms and remember to go potty and practice violin and put together puzzles and clean spills and make green smoothies and clean spills and and read scriptures and call the insurance companies and clean spills and make appointments for immunizations and mediate conflicts and play trains and chart the boys’ smiley face achievements and enforce bad consequences and clean messes and push a double stroller for three miles and drive to school and watch the rain fall and read books and clean messes and make bread and listen to presentations and finish dinner and realize that I am not going to make it to YW tonight to decorate cupcakes and get the boys ready for bed and read books and pin JJ down to brush his teeth and ask Aaron to stop whining…and then yell at Aaron for disregarding everything I told him and carry him off to bed crying, then cry as I clean up and then wonder what the heck I did all day long (besides make my boys’ lives miserable).  Oh yes.  And be pregnant.

Hold on.  I’m going to go hug my boys.  I’m the worst mom.  

(unfinished entry.)

After I sat down to sulk for a moment (evidence above) I felt like breaking all the rules.  So, I tip toed into the boys room and snuggled with each of them.  I told them I was sorry for yelling, and told them a true story about a little girl named Melinda who wanted to be a mom more than anything in the world. This little girl dreamed of having her own children...and sometimes she even thought that maybe--just maybe--they looked down at her from Heaven.  Maybe they laughed at the silly things she did.  Maybe they cheered her on when she needed an extra boost of confidence.  But certainly, she knew they always wrapped their angel arms around her when she was sad.  Just like they did last night as they snuggled in bed last night.

Keep on Kickin'

Hey Baby.  It's been one of those weeks when your little kicks and twists and tumbles have been the difference between discouragement and hope; a frown and a smile.  I love you so much already. You're strong and quite active.  In fact, you wouldn't hold still for a good ultrasound picture at your 21 week appointment. I have a sneaky suspicion (or fear) that you'll be a little hard to keep up with.  But I'll worry about that later.  For now, I cherish your feeble attempts to punch a hole through my abdomen.

I don't know what it was about the week that made me feel sort of off kilter.  Life can do that sometimes.  Change is challenging for me, especially when I feel unprepared (or, more accurately, unable to prepare) for the inevitable: the move, your birth, the new house, the dead yard (or so I hear), etc. I let my helplessness sort of suffocate me last week. I need to be patient...or I'm never going to survive the next month an a half.

Speaking of the house--yes, we bought it!  It's ours, and we are very excited.  Here's a cute picture of your brothers at the old Spartanburg law office where we signed our finances away and committed to home ownership.  Now there's a lot to be done and I can wait to do it.  The yard needs an overhaul, the home needs smoke detectors and electrical updates...not to mention all of the decorating that I'm itching to do.  I know, I know...you will be 30 weeks big in my stomach, so I'll need to take it easy.  Sometimes that's hard to do.  But I can do hard things.  Even if it that means taking it "easy."

In spite of my internal tug-of-war, we worked through the week's responsibilities "Frandsen style."  Spring has sprung, along with 70 degree weather, southern "fairy-land" (as Jonny says) vegetation, and of course the spiders.  The day after one dropped  down my shirt I sent the boys on a spider-spray spree.  The bandits did a beautiful job, and I haven't had many creepy crawly sensations since.

 We continue to perfect the suzuki twinkle songs.  Aaron is on his last version and will soon have them all under his belt. While practicing last week he did a few new things: stopped himself when he made a mistake and said disappointed, "I want to get it perfect," and started over.  He also experimented with playing a song sans cochlears.  His focus on the notes was intense, and he flipped them back on afterwards, happy with how tricky he had been.  Aaron and I often wonder if you'll also need cochlears when you are born.  Only time will tell.

A good portion of my week revolved around my Young Women and their preparations for the Stake variety show.  (Here they are rushing the stage during another group's performance).  My gals came up with their own version of the Harlem shake called the "seminary shake," complete with a skit and a surprise glow-stick dance ending.  Preparations were a little difficult.  It was hard to make everyone happy, especially since we combined our ward with the Spanish branch young women for activities, and our girls are still adjusting to each other.  But, it all worked out well in the end.  They had a lot of fun together, and I had a lot of fun with them.  They keep telling me how hard it will be when I leave.  I can't think about it.  Working with them in this ward has been a great blessing.

The boys had a wonderful week.  Nana sent a spring package and the boys had a hay day with the puzzles.  There was swimming for FHE on Monday night.  Aaron made up all new strokes--the sea horse, the froggy and the backwards fish.  He LOVES to swim. He wore his new lycra swim cap with a cochlear and he talked happily with us in the water. JJ is learning to back float...but not quite as happily.  Tuesday brought a call day for Jonny and a dinner at the park for us.  They brought their bikes and rode around to their hearts content.  Wednesday Jonny took the bedtime reigns as I led the YW skit rehearsal, and he took over on Thursday evening when I sneaked away to book club.  I love book club.  The discussions are delightful, I always come home with new recipes and a serious case of the giggles.  

 Friday brought a trip to toys r us so that we could buy Allie (Aaron's "girlfriend") a present for her birthday party.  It took him seconds to pick out a bow and arrow for her, then about an hour to pull he and JJ away from the train section.  He found Hiro...the train he's been dreaming about for a couple of months now.  And, lucky for him, he only had to earn four more dollars in order to make it his.  I told him we would hide it, then come back after payday to purchase it.  He wasn't happy about it, seeing as Hiro is so "rare" and other moms might come to buy it...but I was firm.  Then he turned his back and I bought it and hid it as quickly as possible--he was right...it was a rare find and the next day was pay day.  But, of course, I didn't let him know until he had officially earned the money.

Saturday was sunny and overflowing with activities.  RS super Saturday, soccer, a birthday party and then the variety show.  It was good to be busy with other kids.  All week long Aaron has been craving friend time, so he had more than his fill on Saturday.  He's such a social little man...he thrives among a group of friends.  All week long Jonny and I noticed his need for more friend time, and Saturday filled that cup.  

Your dad worked hard all week, and when he had time, he played hard too.  He's training hard for a few century races coming up in the next month.  Crazy.  I love him like crazy.  The best night of the week was date night.  We talked, teased, ate good food and watched a movie called "The Impossible" about a family that survived the Thailand Tsunami.  The parents had three boys...and I sobbed through the whole thing.  I'm so grateful to have my boys.  I can't wait to add you to this crazy bunch. Keep on kickin'.  So will I.

Love,
Mom

Boys in Bow Ties

My boys looked so handsome in their bow ties on Easter Sunday.

 Aaron was so excited to strap on his new, dapper attire.  He couldn't stop winking at me.  I asked him if he winks at other girls and he said, "No mom, winks are only for when you get married...or when you're in the same family."  I'm one lucky gal.

 I couldn't resist the urge to take my boys out to this cherry blossom field for a few pictures.  I only wish I was a better photographer (and photo editor).

I know these shots have a lot of potential, but when I tried my hand at photoshop, I flopped.  (consider these shots my cry for help).

 Even though my lens was dirty, and I don't know what I'm doing behind the camera, I was happy to see that a few pictures captured so much of my boys' special personalities.

 Aaron has such a persuasive "I'm in charge" approach to life--especially now that he's five years old.  Lately he's told me a few times, "MOM! You're not obeying me!" And I have to remind him that mom and dad are the leaders in the family.  But we try to nurture his leadership qualities when possible. I love his determined spirit.  Lately he's been working to earn trains.  He studies his train map dutifully, surveying the options and works hard at his jobs every day, saving money week by week until his has enough.  Sometimes it takes him a couple of months, but he doesn't give up. 

 Aaron's leadership traits make him a very good brother. He knows what is right, tries to teach, and is extremely loving. 

(http://photosbetweenthelines.blogspot.com/ check out these clouds...)
 Aaron is always the first sweet person in the day to come and give my growing tummy a hug.  He says, "Oh Baby, I love you!" at least twenty times a day.  Our Aaron has grown up so much this past year.  He can read, he can swim and he has "five talents!" Or at least he told me so when he was counting yesterday.  They are: violin, soccer, basketball, football, and bike riding.  We're so proud of our oldest boy.

JJ is such a joy.  He is so delightfully sweet, and he has this amazing ability to lighten the mood when things become tense.  If only every mother could have a two year old like JJ.  His most frequent indiscretion is coloring where he should not and throwing things.  But he's always quick to say sorry.  Jared does not like anger in our home, and is sure to remind me to "be happy mom!" when I have to get after his brother for one thing or another.  JJ loves his big brother Aaron.  They laugh all day long together making up silly words, dancing the "Gangham Style," and biking back and forth down the hall.    

Jared is certainly sweet, but he's also quite smart.  He loves puzzles.  When my mom visited she brought a large train puzzle for our boys to put together.  It has 100 pieces and JJ will find and complete large sections of the puzzle all by himself.  He is also smart enough to know exactly how to push Aaron's buttons.  Just the other day, Aaron was diligently waiting until after he finished his dinner to eat his prized sucker.  It sat next to him on the table, and JJ had his eye on it.  As soon as JJ finished his meal, he snatched the sucker and ran strait to the corner of the room.  Aaron was obviously outraged, but he let me take care of it.  I jumped right in, "JJ, give the sucker back right now..." He gave no response, so I started counting.  "One," I see his little fingers fidgeting quickly with the sucker wrapper, "Two..." I say as I stand and watch him a little closer.  "Three!" I rush over to him just as he successfully unwraps the sucker and pops it into his mouth for a quick, winning taste of the treat that was not his.  I had a hard time suppressing my laughter as I took JJ to time out.  His desperate attempt at thievery was just too funny. 

JJ is not just good at steeling and making others smile. He's also quite the accomplished little singer.  He repeats lyrics easily, frequently singing variations of violin songs we practice with Aaron. His little memory astounds me daily.  At the breakfast table he is always able to answer questions about our scripture study from the day before.  He loves the story of Ammon and King Lamoni.  

Our boys are getting ready for another brother.  Aaron likes to take pictures of my growing belly.  Whenever we talk about naming the new baby Aaron tries to persuade us to adopt the name "Hiro" or "Murdoch" (from Thomas and friends, but JJ always reminds us that his name is "No David!"  I have a feeling JJ is right.  From the very beginning of our life as parents we had the name David Tracy in our hearts.  We went to the hospital ready to have our first child, sure that we would come home with a little Davey.  But, Aaron's name imprinted itself in our minds as soon as he was born.  Jared Jonathan always felt like a JJ--always.  And as soon as JJ was born, I had a feeling that there was another little boy up there.  So, now he's coming. 

And we are so excited to welcome him into our home.  I can't wait to get to know him--his little personality, his challenges and the great blessing he will be in our home.  It will be wonderful to have a house full of boys in bow ties.