today...

today i watched a friend playing in the backyard with her sweet twin toddlers.
today i watched a man buy flowers in the grocery store for his wife.
today i listened to a girl talk about my oldest son and how funny he is.
i think she has a crush on him.

today i sat in the sun and watched the birds flit all over my yard.
today i watched a big fat bunny hop his way down the entire length of my fence.
i like to think he was meeting a friend for a cup of tea and some scones.

today i washed dishes and scrubbed my counter tops clean.
today i wore mint green, my favorite color of the moment.
today my new sandals from target came in the mail along with my new cuff bracelet from becky.



today ben and i watched america's funniest home videos and he said "UH OH!" the entire time.
today we had bagels with cream cheese and fresh strawberries for dinner.
today anna asked to sleep over my parents' house and they were happy she wanted to spend time with them.

today another IEP is in the books and we are grateful for ben's wonderful, caring teacher.
today boxes of sugar-free popsicles were $0.99 at the store.
ice cream sandwiches weren't on sale but i bought them anyway.
sunny fridays call for popsicles AND ice cream sandwiches.

today john and i spent some time together dreaming of our next big home improvement project.
plans will be sketched tonight and pinterest boards will be busy.
a little something like this perhaps...it is a dream after all.

source

life is busy and good.
the sun is shining and so am i.
happy weekend to you.

today.

i am having a big, BIG case of the grumps today.

just warning ya.

but instead of griping about all the crappity crap crap that is happening, i'm gonna be grateful--list style.

***

things for which i am grateful.

by amy jupin

coffee

warm socks

hugs from my office mate

happy emails

encouragement

dishwashers

crockpots

pretty much all small appliances

progress on the bathroom

my jesus calling book

ben's giggles

good progress reports

bedtime

videos of davis

overnight mail service

prayers

yoga pants

sunsets

quiet and stillness

wet doggie noses

leftovers

my parents

glen hansard

kate

warm quilts

hugs

hope

 

tomorrow is a new day, another chance to live.

how blessed we all are.

let's not forget, ok?

and if we do (let's face it, crappy days will come!), let's be gentle on ourselves and remember what goodness surrounds us.

xo.

wednesday with davis.

i couldn't sleep for most of the night.
finally around 5 am i crashed out...the alarm went off at 7.
it was a rough morning to say the least.
john was tired, i was tired, the sky was dark and dreary and bitterly cold.

we pulled ourselves out of bed and got dressed.
we went to the cafe in our hotel and ate cheese omelets and orange juice and i had a frothy capuccino.
that helped a little bit, i admit.
it was snowing this morning and my nose froze between the steps between our hotel and the car.
the morning seemed to pass quickly and we were at the orphanage before we knew it.

davis was happy to see us and went to me easily.
he was dressed in a new outfit today: denim gloria jeans overalls with pink embroidered flowers, a brown wool sweater, tights and his lucky yellow sandals.
he wanted to rock on the rocking horse again and went to it immediately.
he rocked back and forth while john and i sang to him "rocky, rocky, baby!"
he giggled and threw his head back while he laughed.
his smile can light up the darkest places.
it truly can.

after the rocking horse, he got down and explored the visiting room.
i don't think he's ever seen so many toys in his life and he walked the perimeter of the room with bright eyes.
he had no idea what to do with these toys so we grabbed a couple and tried to get him to join us.
he wasn't really interested in any one particular toy too much but he did sit down and play blocks for a few minutes.
after a while he climbed into a tiny chair and sat proudly.
then he spotted a mirror and oh boy did he giggle at himself!
but again, he would only play for a minute or two and then he wanted to move on or come to us to hold him.
i don't know how much time he gets to practice his walking or standing because he seems to tire easily.
and we must have worn the poor little guy out because he was exhausted when it came time for our afternoon visit.

in the afternoon he was happy to see us but mostly content with us holding him, his arms wrapped tightly around our necks.
he would go from john to me.
then me to john.
again, again and again.
he was so very sleepy.

after a while of holding him, i could hear his breathing change and i thought he was sound asleep.
he body was like a sack of potatos, loose and limp against me.
he curled up on me, his little head nuzzled in my neck for literally one full hour.
we played the lullaby toy we brought for him and i sat in a chair and rocked him.
he didn't want me to put him down and i was happy to oblige of course.
john took turns with me holding him and not once did his feet touch the floor.


the visiting room was warm and stuffy, and he was wearing the thick brown wool sweater, and by the end of our visit he was warm and flushed.
the director told us in a concerned voice that several children in his groupa were ill with fevers, and we said a quick prayer right then and there that tomorrow, for our last visit, that he will be well.

that's right, tomorrow we will hold him and snuggle him and giggle with him again ... and then say goodbye.
the weather here may be turning bad and we need to get back to the big city to meet with the judge, so rather than risk missing that meeting, we will be returning tomorrow night.
i've already packed my tissues in my purse to take with me to the orphanage because saying goodbye to my little pumpkin, well, let's just say that i don't know if i'm going to be able to do it with grace.
my eyes are already filling up with tears just typing these words here tonight so i can only imagine the emotions i will feel tomorrow.

this is so hard.
how do you tell your little lovey boy that you wish beyond wishes that you could bring him home but you must leave him?
how do you even try to convey to him that you will be back as soon as you can when realistically it will be months until you see each other again?
how do you convince him that you would give anything for him to remember you, to never forget how much love we've shared in the past days?
oh boy, i just can't find the words in the tired and sad heart of mine.
but i will continue to pray that he will know and understand and remember, that the Good Lord will remind him and the Holy Spirit sustain him until we are able to hold him again.

davis.

it was a long drive from the hotel in the big city to the hotel in the small village.
it was -22 degrees celsius and the roads were icy and full of snow.
it really didn't bother our facilitator at all--he drove all three hours fast and with intention.
there was very important things to be done this afternoon.
we dropped our luggage in our room and went back in the car.
it was frigid outside, much colder here than in the city.
we drove back the same way we just came and then we made a left turn down a very snowy lane.
i thought as if we might have made a wrong turn but then slowly, as we made our way down the path, i could make out playground equipment buried in the snow.
only the bright yellows and blues barely sticking above the huge piles.
i knew, yes, this was the orphanage.

we turned a corner and there was the entrance, the same entrance i had seen online.
this was it.
we sat in the car waiting for the translator for a bit and then a woman came out to the car and told us it was ok to come inside.
we could smell food cooking (didn't smell like good food to me) and then we waded down a few dark hallways.
i saw a cat sitting in the stairwell and we walked right past it up to the next floor.
we passed by a bulletin board full of photographs and i recognized a few faces.
the children were here, somewhere, but you could have heard a pin drop it was so quiet.

we were welcomed into a big office and the woman there seemed friendly.
she motioned for us to hang up our coats so we did, and then we waited.
we waited and waited and waited.
finally, after about maybe an hour?, the social worker and orphanage director came in to see us.
the translator came in too and told us we were going to get started.
tell us a little about yourselves, your occupation, your family...
right away, the social worker started to shake her head.
how can you manage all of this with your job too?  how can you manage all the children?
another with special needs?  why?  what about his disability?  why, tell me again?
what is your faith?  do you have a group to help you?  is this the only child you want? why?

it was overwhelming.
john's face blushed red when he spoke.
i tried to explain our life--it's hard to convince someone that it is a good life even if it's not perfect.
we felt...intimidated.

then the nurse came in to discuss his medical records.
mostly info we already knew but even still, there were some surprises about his short life.
i won't write the details here but we know for sure he was loved even though he was given up.
and for some reason that gives me such peace.

and after the medical information, the women stopped asking questions.
it was time.
they stepped out of the room and we sat there knowing they were going to get him and bring him to us.

we heard shuffling in the hallway and then the door opened all the way.
and there he was.
this little boy that we have prayed over and cried over and almost gave up on many times.
there he was before me like a dream.

his head was freshly buzzed and he was wearing little girl's yellow sandals and purple striped socks.
he had on a striped turtleneck and dark red corduroy overalls.
and i thought he was the most precious thing i've ever laid eyes on.
i knew the ladies were all staring at us, watching how we reacted.
but i didn't even notice them.
i just wanted to get my hands on him, to feel him, to touch him and know that he was real.
he was soft and shy and his eyes were wide open, nervous to meet us.

he clung to the director, arms wrapped around her neck and feet wrapped around her waist.
he was scared.
i stood up and touched his arm.
his eyes got bigger and he started to smile.
i couldn't help but laugh and giggle.
i was giddy with happiness.
and he knew it too.
it didn't take long before he was laughing at me.

the ladies told us he likes music and musical toys.
we found a farm that played farmer in the dell and brought it to him.
he bounced on the director's lap and we clapped and clapped.
soon he was bouncing on my lap and i clapped for him.
yaaaaayyy! we all cheered.
he was the center of all it and deservedly so.

before i knew it, i was kissing his cheeks and little hands.
i inspected every inch of his face.
i sat him in my lap, facing me and i bounced and sang and clapped.
there were moments when he was completely content and moments where he was looking to the one he was comfortable with but he stayed with me, even hugging me for a few seconds.
after a little bit of time, he even sat with john.
men are a rare sight in the orphanage so i'm not sure he knew what to do.
john didn't care one bit.
he bounced him and rocked him and made silly faces.
i grabbed the camera quickly and took a few shots.
this one was my favorite.

i wanted to stay in those moments forever, everything seemed so good and pure and true.
in those moments i felt like the world was so small and our problems are so insignificant and all that really matters is love.
that's why we are here, to give love.
because the joy i felt by giving love and sacrificing for that little boy was indescribable.
i just can't explain the happiness...and john felt it too.
it was overwhelming.

when it was time for him to leave, we waved goodbye and my eyes were instantly wet.
i could barely speak, the tears were coming too fast.
this little boy, oh man.
he has my heart.

the social worker and director seemed to understand.
after they saw us with him, i think they knew.
their whole demeanor changed.
suddenly there was laughter and smiling and good feelings all around.
i showed them pictures of ben on my phone.
they didn't speak english and we didn't speak russian, but they could tell what i meant.
we love him, just like we'll love davis.
down syndrome is not the end of our world, oh no.
down syndrome brought more love into our world than we ever thought possible.
these children matter to us.
they are worthy of love...and much more.

when we left the orphanage today, john and i were like giddy school girls, chattering about this and that.
we knew today was the answer to a prayer, the culmination of so many events, the truth that God needed us to see.
we are tired and our hearts are full.

tomorrow we will go back and spend more time with our boy.
i'm sure there will be more long sappy posts to come.
and pictures, lots and lots of pictures!

good night, dear friends.
thank you for praying with us.
we appreciate each one of you.

nutcrackers.

i was wandering around hobby lobby a couple months ago and came across these nutcrackers.
they were 50% off so i threw them in my basket.
honestly, i totally forgot i even bought them until this past weekend while i was searching in the craft room for something else.
i never found what i was looking for, but the little kids seemed so happy to have something fun to do.
i covered the table with newspaper and gathered every paint brush in the house.
ben did so well and he painted most of the front by himself.
i did paint his a little bit, just to finish it, but used the same colors he chose.
anna wanted hers to have a smiley face and some pink and purple.
josh came in much later, after we had finished, and was happy to see there was one waiting for him.
his had a sword even--bonus points for mom.

soooo yum.

confession: i have a stash of these delectable candies.
no one else knows where they are hidden.
and i'm completely overjoyed by that little fact.

just a day.

because sometimes, the monotonous, typical every day can be beautiful too.


























all of these photos were taken last weekend while we spent mucho quality time lounging in pajamas and setting up our christmas trees.
long weekends are my favorite.
especially when they involve buttermilk blueberry breakfast cake.