Kinda Sucks

Kind of a spinoff of my last post, although it wasn’t intended to be, this one is about the pain of breakups.

When the Ex & I broke up, as painful as it was, the pain that was totally unexpected was how it altered, and eventually (pretty much) ended the relationship I had with his family, and he with mine. It also altered our relationships with various friends.

It seems that most people (friends anyway) feel this need to pick sides. As if they can no longer be friends with both of us. So I became estranged from friends who chose him. And was pleasantly surprised when some friends I thought would choose to remain closer to the Ex, instead chose to stand by my side.

Honestly, guys, I would have been fine if you’d stayed friends with both of us, it would have been okay.

There are a few who managed that balance. But for the most part it seemed as if lines were drawn.

I think that’s something that most people don’t think about when a significant relationship is ending.

Two members of our family have recently gone thru / are going thru breakups of varying degrees. As painful as  I know the experience is for them, I’m also having a pity party for myself.

Because I’m losing two “in-laws” that I love dearly, whom I connect with, whom I don’t want to lose touch with.

But whom I also realize I probably will see less and less (if at all) as the years go by.

And I feel confident in saying that they feel the same way. They aren’t just losing their partner, they are also losing part of their family.

In one way, it’s beautiful how one relationship can branch out and flower into multiple close friendships & relationships. But when that relationship dies, it’s painful how the branches & flowers of extended relationships die with it.

Kinda sucks.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Putting it out there

Once upon a time I had a college sweetheart whom I was with for four years.

Once upon a time we broke up. Long story short, I’ve come to realize it’s because both of us were young & stupid. Mostly. And mostly me.

Once upon a time I loved Tom’s* family as my own. His mom & dad were like a second mom & dad to me. I loved his brother and sister-in-law, and their three kids. Family.

But then we broke up.

I kept in touch with his family for years after. In my mind, I saw no reason to end that relationship, just because my romantic relationship with him had ended.

I saw them several times a year. Usually in the Summer & Fall. And always at Christmas. We sent cards, exchanged cookies, had dinner. He never came, his parents always did. Sometimes my parents would join us.

And then we didn’t.

One Christmas I was moving out of my apartment, busting my butt to try to get everything packed & moved and the apartment cleaned all while navigating the normal holiday busy-ness. I was swamped, and so I politely declined the invitation.

As the next year approached, I didn’t see them during the Summer as usual. And I didn’t force it, or push the issue, even though I missed them terribly.

I chose to let my relationship with his family end, based on two reasons, both of which were directly tied to my new relationship with Jason:

1) I didn’t want to ever give Jason a reason to worry, or to think there was anything going on with my ex.

There wasn’t. Never was since the breakup. But I understand that me seeing his family regularly is a little… odd, and from experience I know that it’s easily misinterpreted. I wanted my new relationship to succeed, and wanted to stay away from any appearance of me not being over the past.

2) With Jason’s ex-wife still butting her head in the picture at that time (phone calls, texts, invitations to dinner, etc) I realized how I was probably making my ex’s then girlfriend (now wife) feel.

And it’s not a good feeling. That was never my intention, and I didn’t want her to feel the way I did when Jason’s XW came around.

And so I let my relationship with the family fall by the wayside.

But I still think about each of them regularly. Kay* & Frank*, my second mom & dad. Ed* & Cathy, their kids, Laurie, Kate*, & Carl*. I even think about Ed & Cathy’s dogs. Truth. I wonder how they all are doing, what they’re up to.

I wonder if they think of me.

I also carry a lot of guilt.

You see, Frank, someone who for so long was like a dad to me, passed away last year. Maybe you remember this post.

I wonder if he knows that I still loved him like family. That I still thought of him often, that I never really wanted to stop seeing everyone.

And so for the past year I have been carrying this guilt. I have contemplated contacting the rest of the family on numerous occasions, particularly Kay.

But… first I think I need to ask my husband’s permission, to avoid any issues. And how do you ask that question? Hey, you know my college sweetheart? I’d like to contact his mom.

And if he says okay, how do you start that conversation? Hey, I know we haven’t talked in seven years, but I really miss you? Awkward.

Oh, and because of other things that have been said in the past, I am 99% sure if I contacted the family this would totally piss off my ex’s wife. So there’s that to consider.

But at the same time, how do I not? Knowing, having seen firsthand, that we don’t have forever. Knowing that Frank died without me ever telling him how sorry I was that we lost touch. How can I not let the rest of them know what they mean to me?

So there’s really no point to this post. I’ve just been carrying around a lot of emotion surrounding this situation, especially for the past year. And I just wanted to get it out. Put it into the universe. So there it is.

As always, thanks for checking in.

**********
Names changed to protect the innocent. Or just the mentioned.

Happy New Year

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