1568. Must sportswatching imply brainlessness?

All year I have followed the polls
With my friends while awaiting the bowls
Well, the games are now here;
As we watch them, I fear
That most smart people think we are trolls.

1567. Did I arthur this one?

Rubinstein had a large penile wart;
Tried removing by soaking in Port
Wine while list'ning to nocturnes.
It must have been Cockburns
'Cause that's what it gave the old sport.

PD165-166. THE limerick

I suppose it's time I posted it.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."

Allegedly, the first Nantucket limerick was completely clean and composed by a Princeton man in 1902...
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

1566. Homophonic (and ironic)

Joan Blondell, who divorced Michael Todd,
Sometimes sailed overseas from Cape Cod
When away on these trips
It gave rise to some quips:
Michael's friends liked to say, "She's a broad."
"Ironic" because Blondell often played an attractive, brassy character -- one Sinatra et. al. would have called a "broad."

OP160. Roll again?

Sam, a backgammon star from the Saar,
Played a woman whose jeans were ajar.
     Soon the game was forgotten
     When Sam hit her blot, an’
She worked hard to get off his bar.

[This limerick was first composed during the Backgammon craze of the 1970’s and geographically recalled by the PD post of “Each of these four features a whore ” of March 2014.]

1565. Golf is a 4-letter word

Well, I played and it could have been worse
Didn't die so no need for a hearse
Though my muscles were stiff
I did not ever whiff*,
You could say that my backswing was terse!

*I got an email invite on Christmas to play 12/26.  I replied and said, 'I'll be there but must I count my whiffs?'
He wrote back, 'They're now called FISH.  You swing, you miss, you say 'Fuck! It's Still Here!'

1564. Long layoff

This morning, I'm off to the links
I'll be shocked if a putt ever sinks
Haven't picked up a club
Since last June -- know I'll flub
Many shots with my swing that just stinks.

1563. Yule enjoy it more

Be nice today, don't give no sass
The best holiday's come to pass!
Drink from the decantah
Pretend it's 'bout Santa
But don't forget: it is Christ's Mass.

Regardless of your religious beliefs, I wish you a Merry Christmas!

1562. Tossers

If more than thrice daily you jack off
Well, your eyeglass prescription won't back off.
If that hair in your palms
Has been giving you qualms
I suggest that perhaps you should slack off.

OP159. Shut out at the Long Branch Saloon

Young Augustus, trail hand from Clear Boggy,
Had a dick like spaghetti when soggy.
     He rode into Dodge City
     To roger Miss Kitty;
She quipped, “Get a dong, little Augie.”

A follow-up by The Limericist...
Augie's eyes had a look that was squinty
And his breath could have used something minty
Hookers told him, "Get lost, uh
Your pitiful pasta
Looks cooked past the stage of al dente."

1561. No nasty habit here

A nun really wanted to come
But refused to use fingers and thumb
And since she didn't cater
To any vibrator
She spent her whole life feeling glum.

1560. Dimwit destiny

A none-too-bright girl from Bryn Mawr
Was told that she wouldn't go fawr
This prophecy (chilling)
Turned out self-fulfilling,
She spends all her time in a bawr.

PD164-166. Oceanography

I'll be out of town for 3 days.  Here are 3 classics to "tide" you over until Monday.

There once was a girl from South Philly
Who quit Greenpeace (she thought it was silly)
I said, " Don't worry, Gail,
You can still pet a whale, 
Simply undo my fly and free willy!"

There was a young fellow of Crew
Whose tool was so straight and so true
That the Navy when fighting
Could use it for sighting
From a mile it could sink a canoe.

A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did---which was why they had come.

1559. Cream dream

A virginal frat boy named Lew
Couldn't get any coed to screw
Fantasized 'bout a liplock
While filling his whipsock
From toe clear to top with his goo.

When I was in the Air Force, buddies and I would see who could make up the cleverest alliterative sentence for requesting a blow job from a girl.  Here are a few I recall and the first contains a word I re-used above:

“How’d you like to lay a loose, loving liplock on my long, lanky log?”
“Why don’t you masticate my malleable member?”
“May I shove my shapely shaft into your chute?”

1558. Left out

From this reddest of red states* I may
Have to pick up and move far away
The conservative views
That I read in the news
Make it harder and harder to stay.

*In national election coverage, TV maps use blue for states won by Democrats and red for Republicans. Of Oklahoma's 77 counties, each voted "red" in the last two presidential elections.

1557. Partial payback

A prison cook never did squeal
When she got knocked up by a con's eel
She had an abortion
But saved a small portion
To put in the rapist's next meal.

1556. Wives/girlfriends, take heed

On Sundays, men watch NFL
On Mondays and Thursdays, as well
Though it may corrupt us
Please don't interrupt us
Or else it could be your death knell.

1555. Peering into her future

A teen-aged gold digger from Kew
Won't put out unless your blood's blue
At present (by my count)
She's slept with a viscount,
Eight earls and a baron or two.

1554. A sassafras ass

A man from Tierra del Fuego
For breakfast one day ordered "Eggo"
He dipped it in filé
Way down there in Chile
The chef bade him, "¡Hasta luego!"

1553. Not the bestial ever read..

A filthy old farmer named Sam
Was suspected of liking to wham
His livestock from behind;
Sheriff showed up to find
The old bastard had gone on the lamb.
I've broken a Blogspot rule here (no bestiality) but so far we've avoided their other one - no incest.  Anyway, here's my favorite Spoonerism joke:

Q. What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
A. Mick says, "Hey, you, get offa my cloud" and the Scot says, "Hey, McLeod!  Get offa my ewe!"

1552. Tireless trekker

There once was a fellow named Grover
Who lived his whole life as a rover
He roamed the U.K.
From beside Galway Bay
All the way to the White Cliffs of Dover.

1551. Wanna screw? Do the blue.

When a dude has a dong that stays limber
January 'til end of December
He should get him a pill
Made with Sildenafil*
Or be satisfied just to remember...
*Active ingredient in Viagra

1550. Winter lament

I hate getting up when it's cold
It's an act that requires being bold
For I sleep in the buff
And won't change, but it's tough
To get out of bed now that I'm old.

1549. Nose jobs

A fag with a gigantic nose
Employed it instead of his hose
He called his mates "Sugar"
And used it to booger
Their butts without shedding his clothes.

1548. Slimin' Rhymin'

I like to tell folks, "I'm a bard
Specializing in dicks that are hard
Plus farting and shits
Cunnilingus and tits
And pussies that take one full yard."

1547. Frumpy fabric

There once was a husband named Dan'l
Whose wife slept in gowns made of flannel
This didn't excite
So during the night
His pleasure was watching Golf Channel.

1546. Outside sex

There once was a cautious young lass
Whose method of screwing was crass
Guys could not stick their poles
In the three of her holes
Had to slide up the crack of her ass.

1545. Epochally ignorant

The Israeli P.M. named Ben Gurion
Loved recordings of A. Khachaturian
Since at hist'ry, kids stink
Many probably think
Both men lived in the time called Silurian.

1544. Durable dong

An elderly bastard named Schmidt
Said, "My muscles have all turned to shit
'Cept for one: When I'm rammin' a
Pussy my stamina
Don't seem to hurt me one bit!"

1543. What a way to go

A new bride who appeared to be docile
On her honeymoon, did stunts colossal!
Fucked her spouse with such furor
He couldn't endure her
His next stop?  St. Pete the Apostle.

1542. Misunderstanding

A girl from Carmel-by-the-sea
Asked a gentlemen over for tea
She was very surprised
When she learned he'd surmised
That by 'tea' she had really meant 'me!'

1541. From mouth-watering to eye-watering

I love when my wife's in the nude
Could it mean I'm about to get screwed?
But when she then starts
To let foul-smelling farts
Well, it puts a big dent in my mood.

1540. Boomerang boy

There once was a kid from Wyoming
Who loved to take off and go roaming
Ne'er got lost, not one smidgen
For, just like a pigeon
He had an innate sense for homing.

1539. Revolting redolence

A slutty old woman, a skank,
Had a pussy that horribly stank
Her titties were droopy
Her panties were poopy
The bitch was entirely rank.

1538. Eagles and Turkeys

Here's hoping DeMarco's no bobbler*
Of hand-offs as I eat much gobbler
My tummy may hurt
But I'll still have dessert;
At the least pumpkin pie and some cobbler.

*The Dallas Cowboys play the Philadelphia Eagles this afternoon.  Cowboy running back Demarco Murray is setting records but is also fumble prone.

1537. Mudder fucker

There once was a woman coquettish
Who had an unusual fetish
She only had lain
With men in the rain
Where both inside and out she got wettish.

As I wrote this one I kept thinking the rhymes had a certain familiarity.  Just now, 12 hours after publishing today's, I went back thru the archives.  Sure enough, on 9-17-2011 I wrote this one.  Please forgive a memory-challenged old geezer.

1536. Diacritical barkings

In truth, I've never read a word of his.
The author named William Dean Howells
Used consonants, commas and vowels
But the words that he wrote
I cannot give my vote:
They resemble what comes from one's bowels.
(Note the colon ending line 4.)

1535. She'll have something with a cherry

There once was a virgin named Sookie
Who went in a bar just to lookie
The men bought her drinks
And it's likely, methinks,
That she left there without a plugged nookie.

1534. Mixed messages

A quirky gourmand named Mahoney
As his favorite meal ate baloney
To lend air of class
He'd wear suits by Bill Blass
And then finish his feast with spumoni.

1533. Fresh fish

On his first day in stir, a young queer
Heard his cell mate say, "Get used to fear.
And use Nupercainal
For all the pains anal
You're gonna wind up with in here."

1532. Just plumb silly

A savvy home builder named Coen
Liked toilets made only by Moen
He once had used Crane
To get stuff down the drain
But they weren't best to keep water floen.

1531. Only the stats suck

The wives who won't give any head
Are more num'rous, by far, than is said
By refusing, they blunder,
They ought not to wonder
Why husbands then stray from their bed.

1530. Go fig-ure

An enormous sheep rancher, a glutton,
Had a world's-record-sized belly button
From this umbilicus
There grew a large ficus
Providing some shade for two mutton.
I had always said 'um-BILLY-cus' but my mother-in-law, an RN, pronounced it 'um-buh-LIE-cus.'  Thanks for the rhyme, Lahoma!

1529. High hard one

A well-hung young pitcher named Moore
Hit the heads of two girls in Row 4
"Why is it you bean us?"
They said; "It's your penis
We come to these baseball games for."

1528. Not much on his pate

There once was an old man in Rome
Just as hairless as St. Peter's dome
He tried using Rogaine
But it gave him no gain
So he had no need of a comb.

1527. Titillating

You gals seem to be in a race
To see who stuffs the most in her face
In the past 30 years
You've grown big tits and rears
Just check this out: I breast my case!

1526. He stole her heart...

To woo Carol Lombard to table
A fur coat was given by Gable
You probably think
It was made out of mink
But 'twas nicer than that -- Russian sable.

1523-1525. I can vouch for my pouch

A woman sought knowledge empirical
That the nuts found on men are all spherical
For that crazy old hag
To feel ev'ry ball bag
Would have been nothing short of a miracle!
 
But one day near the bay known as Subic
She felt up a pair which were cubic!
That odd Philippino
Had drunk some bad vino
Which altered his area pubic.

She took him where nobody lurked
'Cause she wanted to know how they worked
He wanted to strangle her
When his rectangular
Solid dick she grabbed and jerked!

1522. Big Bird

A fellow once dined upon fowl
Got a bone caught -- let out a loud howl!
Took the cafe to court
The judge ruled it a tort
When he saw the bone poked through the jowl.
Poor guy might die o' rhea..

1521. Oh! Pus magnum

To slicken it, Twila used oils
In her cunt, but they only caused boils
When two fellows fought
Over Twila's tight twat
To the victor, it's true, went the spoils.

1520. Polar expressed

Cold front's on its way, what a bummer
Forecasters all say it's a numb-er
This air from the arctic
Will not prove cathartic
To us who love Indian Summer.

1519. A rectal dysfunction

A bitch who loved anal named Harridge
Was one whom the men did disparage
You see, her first-class hole
(Right next to her ass hole)
She thought ought be saved until marriage.

1518. Audiovile

There was a musician named Deere
Whose performances made people jeer
He once left a Theremin
Full of his cerumen
(Seems he played only by ear...)
When he appeared with Stokowski the concert was billed, "Leopold and Lobe."

1517. Suppose he lasted 8 seconds?

A criminal cowboy named Len
Spent twenty-five years in the pen
First day back in the 'hood
Fucked a girl, it was good
To be back in the saddle again.

1516. Qui va là?

I've picked up a reader from France
Who regularly comes to glance
At my weak jeux de mots
Et à prendre les eaux
Please email if you have the chance.
I'd love to get to know ANY reader!  My address is in the banner atop each page.

Title translates to "Who goes there?" and line 4 to "And to take the waters", a reference to Rick's response when asked in the movie "Casablanca" why he had come there from France.

1515. Imagine the growth spurt!

There once was a man with a schlong
Which, when flaccid, was twelve inches long
He was quite circumspect
About getting erect
For he knew 'twould attract a large throng.

1514. It would have been his centenary

My father was born on this date,
1914, and just let me state:
There was no better dad
Ever had by a lad
And my childhood was totally great!

1513. Would we become a satellite?

When the Soviet Union launched Sputnik
Americans all became gut sick
We had not kept the pace
On the race into space
And we feared that we might have to butt lick.

PD162-163. From The Auld Sod

There was a young girl from Balmoral
Whose habits were highly immoral.
For the price of a dime
She took three at a time,
One forward, one aft, and one oral.

A canny Scotch lass named McFargle
Sans coaxing and such argy-bargle
Would suck a man's pud
Just as hard as she could
And she saved up the sperm for a gargle.

1512. The Miller's Tail

College students find lit'rature crazy
And learn from CliffsNotes ('cause they're lazy)
Winterbourne was the fella
In H. James' novella
Who hoped to be driving Miss Daisy.

1511. His first big bang

A teen boy knew 'bang' was vernacular
For pleasuring other than jackular
Went totally loco,
Fucked Kaley Cuoco
And found they are real and spectacular!
 
Miss Cuoco's lovely rack is prominently displayed in every episode of "The Big Bang Theory."  She married pro tennis player Ryan Sweeting recently, dashing the hopes of many horny bachelors. (That's actually Teri Hatcher in the clip from a "Seinfeld" episode.  Glad she said it -- I needed fodder for today's rhyme.)

1510. Herr today, gun tomorrow

An old German gunsmith named Gus
(An overly romantic cuss)
Once kissed someone's frau;
Her herr hit him, and how!
Gus had just made his first blunder buss.

1509. A word few have heard

An upstate New Yorker named Sally
Did not venture far from her alley
So to Sally, Schenectady
Was a synecdoche
For the entire Mohawk Valley.
With gratitude to AWAD yesterday for inspiring this one.

1508. That'll teach him to accost her

A black took a good-lookin' sister
To a motel and hugged her and kissed her
Then he undressed and tossed her
Result?  Herpes Zoster.
His johnson now sports a big blister.
Actually, his symptom indicates Herpes Simplex (but it didn't rhyme.)  "Zoster" is responsible for chicken pox and shingles.

1507. What's "right" about this?

A conservative woman named Megan
May desire sex, but will not go beggin'
She did not spread her tush
Under either George Bush
Seems she screwed her last time during Reagan.

1506. It wasn't avast amount

There once was a pirate named Frazier
Who thought he ought bury his treasure
But he pulled into port
To get drunk and cavort
And soon spent all his plunder on leisure.

1505. Un-retired

A reformed whore whose last name was Finnegan
Was broke, so decided to sin again
Went to her old corner,
Picked up a sojourner,
Within fifteen minutes 'twas in again.

1504. Trouble a’bruin

There once was a woman named Claire
Who had quite a hairy affair
Her lover was fat
With a big broad-brimmed hat –
You guessed it --  ‘twas Smokey the Bear!

1503. At least she's not a syringer

There once was a woman named Ginger
Who, when she would drink, was a binger
And she sometimes would go
To the famed Alamo
After first getting smashed at The Menger.
That famous San Antonio Hotel (click) is right next door.

10/27/2014  I've been informed that the hotel's name is pronounced MING-grr, not MEN- juhr.  Thanks to Claire, here's my emendation:

A woman I met at The Menger

Didn't stay long, refusing to linger.

Left the bar and did go

To the famed Alamo

On her way out, she gave me the finger!

1502. Wish I were his buddy

There once was a bastard named Aaron
Whose wife (name of Karen) was barren
So he saw nothing wrong
With allowing the dong
Of his best friend to fuck her -- what sharin'!

1501. Well, Islay be damned

The island of Islay is pronounced, "EYE-luh"
A niggardly Scotsman named Walt
Went in search of a cheap single malt
The bottle he found
Sold for only a pound
And his taste buds did fiercely assault.

PD161. And test her for TB

A certain young chap named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe.
"But," he said, "I must see
What the church wedding fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee."

1500 Meters

It's been a long run.
A bitch in a bar told me, "Back off!"
My reply was, "Hell, I wouldn't jack off
If in bed with you,
And I sure wouldn't screw,
Out of fear that you might take your sack off!"

Ever hear the term "double ugly?"  That's when you make a woman wear a sack over her head during sex... and you wear one, too, in case hers breaks.

1499. Maracaibo mischief

A man in Caracas named Oliver
Was down to his very last Bolivar
Then a sneaky Italian,
A total rapscallion,
Stole that, too!  The thief's name was Taliaferro.

1498. From Sag Harbor, no doubt

A New York whore turned her last trick
With a body that made most men sick
Her tits were so droopy
That not even Snoopy
Was eager to give them a lick.

1497. I am NOT calling a spade...

A gardener who lived in a hovel
Saw a burglar out back, grabbed a shovel
He whacked him so hard
Out there in the back yard
The thief flew into space like Jim Lovell.

OP158. Is that a pickled pickle in your pocket...?

Since “The Limericist” can invoke poetic license with his last word of #1495, then so shall I do likewise with mine.
I’ve been told of a poor guy named Eric
Who was plagued by a wart on his derrick.
     But he made it go ‘way
     By applying each day
An appreciable dose of turmeric.       

I wonder how he mustard the courage to try it.

1496. 2½ pounds instead of two

If you're ugly and poor, be a butcher.
In training, you'll learn how to put cher
Big thumb on the scale
To increase every sale.
(We can't all be handsome like Kutcher.)
Actor Ashton Kutcher stars in the TV show "2½ Men."

1495. Why not wait 'til her period?

There once was a vampire named Boris
Whose bites left his victims quite porous
Once, bored with the neck,
He said, "What the heck?"
And bit off a maiden's clitoris.

1494. Older budweiser

In the part of L.A. known as Venice
Lived an athlete who loved playing tennis
But, advancing in years,
He changed hobbies to 'beers'
And his favorite among them was Guinness.

1493. Instadental pleasure

There once was a hooker named Hawes
Who would quickly take johns in her jaws
From canines to wisdom
The customers jizzed 'em
As she sucked their dicks without pause.

1492. Given that number, what do you expect?

'Cross the US, the banks are all closed
And our postman just stayed home and dozed
While indigenous folk
Think it's all a bad joke
That Columbus Day e'er got proposed.

1491. Red River Rivalry Redux

No love's lost 'tween OU and Texas
When they play it's like Battle of Sexes
Yearly Cotton Bowl Clash
Gets the fans acting rash
And if your team loses, it vexes.
Go, Sooners!!

1490. Please don't halter from drinking

A girl has been known to cause ripples
In the bars where she visits and tipples
Gets drunk, makes excuse
That, "My top was too loose
So it slipped down, exposing my nipples."

1489. Medical & grammatical scourge

Even hæmorrhages labeled "subdural"
Beat a virus from Africa rural
Some folks say, "Ebolae"
To rhyme with E. coli
But that wrongly makes it be plural.

1488. Bullet-nosed babe

There once was a gal from out west
With only one huge (centered!) breast
This feature did make 'er
Win "Miss Studebaker"
Each year that they held the contest.

1482-1487. Two days of bonding

I sent this to my classmates last night -- Ada, OK Class of 1964.
Well, I'll be a son of a gun!
Our reunion is over and done
To each gal and feller
I say, "It was stellar
To see you again.  Oh, what fun!"

How can it have been 50 years?
From what I observed, it appears
That we're all well-preserved
Leading lives well-deserved
For I saw mostly laughs and few tears.

Our committee planned things to the letter
How could it have gone any better?
Except for the lady
(I think her name's Sadie)
Who told me three times I had met her...

The food was fantastic each night
I don't think one person got tight
But I must confess
That I made quite a mess
Of keeping my wife in my sight.

I'd spot someone new and I'd walk
From her side as if off to go stalk!
I'm sure I was rude
But she knows when my brood
Is around me, I just have to talk!

You see, you are each very dear
Especially when you draw near
I pray for survival
'Til our next revival
Let’s do it again in one year!

1481. Hey, bust 'er

There once was a cocksman named Gary
Who took out a virgin named Sherry
He decided to wreck her
So poked with his pecker
Now Sherry has nary a cherry.

1480. Geezer gathering

It has been 50 years since high school
My reunion's tonight, I'll act cool
Unless my new gift
(As I visit, I drift
Off) occurs -- then I'm liable to drool.

1479. A smiley simile

When your dick's in her hole underneath
It is just like a knife in a sheath
And when you get through
A fun thing to do
Is to then smear your goo on her teeth.

1478. Muy Pobre

Oh, my!  It's the 1st of October
And time I began getting sober
I'll look on life dourly*
And feel 'very poorly'
(In Spanglish, that's said "Mooey Pober")

*As opposed to Dewar-ly.

1477. Yiddish for doormat?

There once was a husband, a mensch,
Who was wed to the worst kind of wench
She'd sneak out and hunt
For new dicks for her cunt
Never douching -- oh, my, what a stench.

1476. Ragged individualists

Team Europe again won the cup --
The Ryder -- we just don't stand up.
Our scorecards have more sums
When we play at Foursomes
i.e, taking turns on "who's up."

It's also called "Alternate Shot" and the US sucks at it, losing that segment of the competition 7-1.  Europe won the individual matches 6½ to 5½.  The US did manage to win the Fourball segments 5-3.  That's when each golfer plays his own ball and the best score of a 2-person team is counted vs. the other team's best.

PD160. Hard to miss at 300+ pounds

They say that ex-president Taft
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called, 'Fore',
The place where he hit me was aft."

1475. Perhaps why they're called stones

A man with the mumps, name of Leach
Let his illness get clear out of reach
Suffered pain in his back
From the nuts in his sac
Which had swollen to weigh one stone each!
(In the UK, a weight of 'one stone' equals 14 pounds.)

1474. Daisy Crockett?

This sounds a bit like one of Edward Gorey's...
There once was a woman from Boone
Who decided her car to festoon
To antenna she tied
Part of something that died --
The tail of her once pet raccoon.

OP157. Abstinence my ass

When young girls take the Bible's words literally
They take vows of chastity, bitterly
But they locate a loophole
Pushing pricks through their poop hole
Though they'll never take any cock clitorally.

Abstinence programs encourage girls to take a pledge that they won't have sex before marriage.  Many of these girls try to get around it by rationalizing that it only counts if it's in the vagina.  So oral and anal are okay...  I'm sick of all this religious pseudo-sex-ed.

1473. Cowl licks

A grad student queer at U.T.
Disserted, "The Gayness of Me"
And he got no quarrels
When, during his orals,
Defended the fact Q.E.D.

1472. Stand-up guy

On YouTube, I love watching Carlin
He was always the neo-left's darlin'
He made no apologies
And brought etymologies
To millions with voice that was snarlin'.
Click One of George's best sketches ... and it's totally clean! 

1471. Sappy

Today is the first day of Fall
But our oaks have shed no leaves at all
Equinox called Autumnal
Means soon, trees will summ'n all
Their xylem and phloem juice to stall.

1470. What handicap?

A man in a wheelchair named Cade
Of the bar scene was never afraid
Although paralytic
His drive sybaritic
Insured that he always got laid.

1469. Dongo drummer

An oddball percussionist, Mick,
Was born with a split in his dick
He went to the Congo
And learned to play bongo
Drums with his bifurcated prick.

1468. Zonked when I wrote this

Don't hit your girl's car with a conch
The shell might impart a bad bonk
Though it has lovely nacre
It's liable to make 'er
Run over you without a honk.

1467. Setting your cock to the right time

There once was a hooker named Molly
Who kept a strict schedule in Raleigh
Before supper, dongs
Were sucked like Scuppernongs*
Not 'til after did fucks make men jolly.
*Large white grapes -- the state fruit of North Carolina

1466. Low humor

An old Harley biker named Clyde
Really knew how to give gals a ride
He engaged his transmission
For better coition
And labeled himself, "Super Glide."

1465. Kidney punch punch

A boxer who hailed from Vienna
Was handed a cup to pee inna
He'd recently fought
And the liquid he brought
Back was colored much like burnt sienna.

1464. Not a simple pimple

A woman from Stroud, Oklahoma
Had one tit with a putrid aroma
It offended the rhino
Of even her gyno
Who labeled the cause, "papilloma."

1463. Encumbered slumber

I wish I could sleep through the night
But all old guys, I hear, share my plight
My bladder won't last
And I cannot pee fast
Though it helps if I go to bed tight.

1462. Phenix rising

A corporal down at Ft. Benning
Enjoys trips off post for some sinning
When his dick gets all stiff
And then enters a quiff
It doesn't take long 'til he's grinning.
Ft. Benning is located in Columbus, Georgia. It is just across the state line from Phenix City, Alabama.  During the 1940s-50s, Phenix City was off-limits to soldiers due to all the organized crime, prostitution and gambling centered there.

1461. The A word?

I thought you were s'posed to get sage
When you grew to a certain ripe age...
But I'm so forgetful
I rage and am fretful
Whenever my brain won't engage.
I'm 68 and sometimes find it difficult to recall names of people, movies, places, etc., or to voice the word I want.  My 'old' friends do, too, so perhaps it's a normal geriatric problem.  Besides, the word or name comes to me.... eventually.... usually....

1460. Pooling their resources

Teen Fred enjoys auto-eroticism
But not just because it yields paroxysm
After yanking his doodle
He jacks off his poodle
For he likes to see a whole lotta jism.

1459. Ben Dover and take it

Elevator sales might leave you miffed
If, on a huge bid, you got stiffed
Suppose that the POTUS
Demanded, "just Otis"
But you sold the brand "Schindler's Lift?"
POTUS is an acronym for President of the United States.

OP156. The reason why he never wore pants

Claimed a reprobate Pekin named Don:
“My old Daisy ain’t all I’ve been on.
     While there’s not hardly any

     As good as Miss Minnie,
My favorite is Bambi, the fawn.”        

          Dedicated to D.D.“Duck”G.

PD159. Not the straight poop

That marvelous wit, Dorothy Parker, may have inspired this one:
There was an old fellow of Pittwood
Who never was able to shit good.
He'd leave small deposits
On shelves and in closets,
As a very small pup or a kit would.

Her poem, Despair in Chelsea, reads
    Osbert Sitwell
    Is unable to evacuate his bowels properly
    His brother, Sacheverell,
    Doubts if he ever'll.

1458. Parting really is sweet sorrow

We're headed back to our abode
It's one thousand miles there by road
We've been gone fourteen days
And loved both of our stays
But now rental van we must load.

1457. The doggy-days of summer

I love having sex from the back
I can watch my dick enter her crack
And when she's thus ridden
Her face remains hidden
A plus versus frontal attack.

1456. A-psalting your senses

An old Jewish cantor named Hyman
Chants syllables which are not rhymin'
His unsteady rhythm
Means no one sings with 'im
Since he has lost all sense of timin'.

1455. Chastity Celt

A virgin from Belfast named Weems
Would date only gay men, it seems
This insured that her cherry
Remained ordinary
'Til she met the man of her dreams.

1454. Necessary evils, I suppose

Last night, watched the first NFL
Game this season; both teams performed well.
Now don't get me wrong
But the games are too long
Thanks to replays and crap they must sell.

1453. Clap dance?

There once was a good lookin' stripper
Whose pubes were all shaved by a clipper
Like Lady Godiva
She'd bring on saliva
And fuck after hours if you'd tip 'er.

1452. No chick peas, please

Near the Mediterranean, hummus
Is common, but please, take it from us!
Maybe men named Alonzo
Eat paste of garbanzo
But I'd just as soon chew on pumice.

PD158. Damn Stroker

There was a young student named Jones
Who'd reduce any maiden to groans
By his wonderful knowledge
Acquired in college
Of nineteen erogenous zones.

1450. South bound

We're ready to head for Annapolis
The sun on the wharf there will dapple us
They won't have sand dabs
But we may eat some crabs
And the waiter had better not Snapple us!

Breakfast this morning consisted of scrambled eggs and scrapple, which may have spurred today's rhymes.  I'm hoping it doesn't spur anything else...

PD156-157. Odes to a cushy tushy

Anne-Marie was a pot-bellied slut.
No foundation could circle her gut.
If you think that is bad,
Know that she also had
A steatopygian butt.

A sweet callipygian lass
Used to drive the boys wild. It was crass
When they asked her, "How come?"
She replied, "With my bum:
It is not only mass, dears, it's class!"

1449. So far, not the Good Humor man

We’re here with our grandson in Ewing,
New Jersey; he’s fussing and stewing.
He’s just one month old
But if truth be told
I’d rather he did much more cooing.

1448. On cruise control for a while

We are trav'ling the broad USA
We reached Terre Haute IN just one day
On day three, we'll see Amish
Far from Lake Snoqualmish
They're mainly in eastern PA.
The wife and I are on a two week car trip to see our grandson in New Jersey, then our granddaughter in South Carolina.  We'll be gone a total of two weeks and I may not get a lot of limericks written.  Feel free to Phil in for me!

1447. Sheep may NOT safely graze..

A shepherd, while tending his flock,
Would put on an over-sized smock
This kept his clothes clean
But its purpose was mean --
To hide what he did with his cock.
Title compliments of J. S. Bach, sort of...

1446. Prior to Nodding off

Before brother Cain broke the law
And killed Abel (which stuck in God's craw)
The two boys had much fun
With a girl, two on one,
Inventing le ménage à trois.

1445. No verisimilitude

"Real Housewives" seem anything but.
Their boob jobs all sag, they don't jut.
And every scene's scripted
With words oft encrypted
By bleeps.  Each gal acts like a slut.

1444. Some small problems

There once was a woman whose tits
Were so small that they looked more like zits
And while on the topic
Of things microscopic
Her pubes were infested with nits.

1443. In search of the Oregon Tail

There once was a man from Grant's Pass
Who took out a beautiful lass
He tried to beguile her
So he could defile her
But she had a cob up her ass.
He wanted a hottie, not a haughty.

1442. In his dreams

I know an old guy, name of Grissom
And he likes Asian girls who are lissome
They're but dreams (all vicarious)
Still, would be hilarious
To watch him attempting to kiss 'em.

OP155. More Nostradamus than nasty dumb ass

Seems Bill Clinton, when not at his nices’,
Was a seer of the current world crisis!
     Starr’s Grand Jury renounced?
     No, Bill just mispronounced
When he questioned “the meaning of ISIS.”

1441. Wall shower

A young masturbater named Beasley
Was born with a pecker quite measly
That is, 'til it swelled,
And then it propelled
His ejaculate 'cross the room eas'ly.

1440. Hot pockets

Good quarterbacks have to have guts
Either that or they need to be nuts!
Some think they're unsackable
And stand there implacable
Then, whoomph!  They get knocked on their butts.

1439. Tug of whore

A prostitute down by the pier
Was possessed of a gigantic rear
That butt was so large
If a flat-bottomed barge
Floated in, it would soon disappear.

1438. Throw momma from the train?

A man took his wife on vacation
Hoping R&R might bring elation
But it wasn't recuperative
'Cause she was vituperative
Which gave him severe perturbation.

1437. What a salesperson!

There once was a beautiful hooker
Who worked anywhere that fate took 'er
This marvelous morsel
Could even ensorcel
Those men who had not planned to fook 'er.
I learned a new word and thought I'd use it...

1436. Back vs. side show

Two sisters who came from Killarney
Had magical pussies, no blarney!
They did so many stunts
With their talented cunts
They were hired by a traveling carney!

1435. Don't get strung out

Like tennis?  Soon starts U.S. Open.
Please, players, do not get caught dopin'!
If shots you're not purin'
Just make sure your urine
Tests 'clean' -- that's what fans are all hopin'.
 

1434. They start Monday

Our A/C has gone on the fritz
And, of course, we're amidst a heat blitz
More repairs it won't stand,
To replace, thirteen grand,
A number that gives me the shitz.
Six weeks ago we paid over $400 to "fix" it and add 4# of freon.  They warned then, "This is a Band-Aid -- we can't warranty our work."  We've lived here over 30 years -- I suppose it's time.  Price includes new furnace, too, and moving duct work from slab to attic.

1433. Homage to a genius

Robin Williams is gone from this earth
Oh, my!  How the man could make mirth!
No talent was vaster
No mind ever faster
Spontaneity?  There's now a dearth.

1432. Anus but no Andes

When I sixty-nine with my Rose
Her breasts are not covered by clothes
But I never see 'em
'Cause her perineum
Is right there in front of my nose.

'Tain't the worst one I've ever written, nor the bust...

1431. Class personified

The Big Sleep won't take place on a cot
Forest Lawn will be digging a plot
Wondrous Lauren Bacall
Was an absolute doll
We were lucky to have than have not.
In the early 70s, I saw her in "Applause" in OKC.  She couldn't sing.  She didn't need to.  She owned the stage simply by being on it.

1430. 'n sip it

There once was a time Pinot Noir
Was the premier red grape of the Loire
But for years it's been known
As the best of Bourgogne
And I think I will drink some ce soir.
Actually, once the Loire river turns south, it forms the western boundary of Bourgogne (Burgundy.) However, "Loire wines" aren't classified as burgundies.

1429. Southern exposure

A woman who wasn't too chaste
Refused to give guys' dicks a taste
So their penetrations
In her fenestrations
All had to be south of the waist.

1428. Flower power

A gardener with magical power
Likes leading a girl to his bower
And if she is pliable
Our hero is liable
To lay her three times in one hour.
He will soon experience "the last rise of summer."

1427. The funk caused by junk

A man who desired life with order
Got wed to a gal, a big hoarder.
His joy was short-lived;
When the bills all arrived
He discovered he couldn't afford her.

1426. Where air is rare

Edmund Hillary had quite a pair
As most men would have turned down the dare
Although first up Mt. Everest
He wasn't the cleverest,
When asked why he did, "'Cause it's there."

"Because it's there" is one of the most misattributed quotes of all time -- possibly because the person who really said it has a name that sounds so similar to Sir Edmund's.  It was actually spoken by George Mallory, another British climber who tried three times to conquer the mountain in the early 1920's -- and without extra oxygen (!)  He and his climbing partner "died trying" on the third attempt.

1425. A woman of low molars

There once was a dentist named Keith
Who took a girl out on the heath
Where he did unbuckle
And got her to suckle
By claiming, "It's good for your teeth!"

1424. Robin Williams' idol, too

A comic named Joe from New York
Learned a lot watching Mindy and Mork
For Jonathan Winters
Was one of Mork's mentors
Who always made Joe pop his cork.
Watch Winters freestyle HERE.

1423. All the views that fit, they print

There's one thing I like about Brits
They're not too hung up re: bare tits
Young lads become gapers
At those daily papers
Which show 'em, but some moms have fits!

For years The Sun and The Daily Mirror printed a daily pair.  Still?

1422. Where we got the term "barf bag?"

Scottish haggis, I've heard, is delicious
Surely those who say so are facetious
A sheep's heart, lungs and liver
Plus oats makes me quiver
And cooked in his stomach?  Sounds vicious.

PD151-155. Pregnancies

There was a young lady of Maine
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
Said the County Surveyor,
"Of course you must pay her;
You've altered the line of her frontage."

Though a self-confessed egalitarian,
Nan indulged rites that were not riparian.
So one sunny day,
Nine months after a lay,
She succumbed to her second cæsarean.

Since her baby came, little Miss Snow
Won’t diddle, she just hollers "no."
She thinks a fat senator
It’s likely progenitor
But having laid ten she can’t know.

Said a girl to her friend from Milpitas,
"There's a doctor in town who will treat us
For feminine ills
And hot and cold chills,
Or even abort a young fœtus."

1421. Sea cow you like this one...

A retarded old fellow named Jimmy
Made his home in the town of Kissimmee
And due to insanity
He felt that a manatee
Was much Moore attractive than Demi.

1420. Masked masochist

A cold dominatrix, Lorraine,
Tied a man to her bed to give pain
She then climbed astride him,
Proceeding to ride him
While wielding a whip and a chain.

OP154. Squeak peek

You may read all about this here. 
Heard some news from the Louvre that’s alarming:

Rats and mice in its gardens are swarming!

     Seems they don’t want to miss

     Auguste Rodent’s “The Kiss,”

And they view Minnie Lisa as charming.

In fact, “The Kiss” is not in the Louvre but at the Rodin Museum, also in Paris.

1419. Whack jobs

There continues to be lots of drama
Surrounding Barack H. Obama
Seems that many repubs
Want to take bats and clubs
And visit upon him blunt trauma.

1418. How's my credit?

I'm willing to pay for some snatch
At a whore house.  I'd find me a match
And pay two hundred bucks
For just one of their fucks,
Got the itch but I don't have the scratch.

1416-1417. Blessings on thee, little man!

The poet who wrote the words in my title was a lot whittier than I...

Today came my first grandson, Thomas!
Will his voice sound like Fernando Lamas'?
Will he be tall and skinny,
Be brilliant like Pliny
Or prophesy like Nostradamus?

Quite frankly, I really don't care,
I'm just happy for him and his par-
ents (my son and his wife)
Who have brightened my life --
My joy's almost too much to bear!

1415. "Breeze, please"

A foul-smelling quipster named Brent
Went camping with friends in a tent
His B.O. and farts
Didn't win any hearts
He got nicknamed 'the pungent pun gent.'

1414. Dresher* couplings

A guy from the oil patch named Dresher
Likes giving old maids a refresher
The pecker he's packing
Makes fucking like fracking,
He fills up their holes under pressure.
*Actually, they're Dresser couplings and are used to repair damaged pipe.

1413. More than one per day

Today is my third anniversary
Of posting these poems so cursory
That means they are short
But I need to report
That the red ones aren't fit for a nursery!

Thank you, readers!  Your regular visits encourage me to keep writing my doggerels.  I just wish there were more of you.  I write for bright, educated people and am pretty sure that if I lowered my standards and ceased to use esoteric themes and words, this blog's readership would be much larger.

Since I refuse to do that, do I need to switch to Facebook?  Please email limericist@cox.net if you have an idea for reaching more limerick lovers.

1412. A Handy* place to visit

In Memphis, the street they call Beale
Offers barbecue, blues, sex appeal
And the Hotel Peabody
Is charming and gawdy 
Its ducks are all mallards, not teal.

*St. Louis Blues composer W.C. Handy also wrote The Memphis Blues
and The Beale Street Blues.

1411. Undebatably true

Hey, husbands, when you and wife bicker
Over whose point of view is the slicker
Please take my advice
Which I think you'll find nice,
Don't just be argumentative.... dicker.

1410. Well, excuuuuuse me!

Reader OkieJokey commented on #1406 this morning (q.v.) and criticized my intentional mispronunciation of W. Somerset Maugham's surname.  Frankly, I couldn't gather enough words with the rhyming "awm" sound to get a funny story-line so I resorted to "ogg-um."

Well, Okie, to show you that I could have "said" it correctly, if nonsensically, here's a follow-up:

I for sure can pronounce Mr. Maugham
His name rhymes with a mayor named Rahm
For years Daleys were annual
Then 'long came Emanuel
Corrupt like them, but with aplomb.

(Foreign readers: Rahm Emanuel is the current mayor of Chicago, following Richard M. Daley who served from 1989-2011.  Daley's father, Richard J. Daley, served from 1955-1976.)

1409. 'Member' of the cabbage family

When Adam one day coop had flown
It left Eve in the garden alone
Lacking cock of a boy
She used stalk of bok choy --
First case of 'organically groan.'

1408. Do you feel badgered?

There once was a very nice otter
Who could swim in both warm and ice water
If your patience he'd test
By being a pest
You could shoo him with any fly swatter.

OP153. Sucking up

A lousy employee named Valerie
Was paid an exorbitant salary
Though she sucked at her job
She would swallow each gob
For her boss's cumload was low-calorie.

1407. What the flock?

A sheep rancher did something dastard-
ly, causing a very aghast herd.
His actions behind 'em
Quite clearly defined 'im,
As purely a bestial bastard!

1406. Maugham's the word

I take varied subjects and blog 'em
Today I'll do Somerset Maugham
His most famous book*
Was often mistook
For one about slaves -- how to flog 'em.
*Of Human Bondage

1405. Ahhh Strunk

English lovers from old Senatobia
Would rather impress than disrobe ya
Using language quite proper
They don't come a cropper
They learned it online -- GRAMMARPHOBIA!

I only learned about that blog last week and have already enjoyed several hours reading thru archives.  I highly recommend it!

1404. Takes one to know one

Don't lie, 'cause I know what you want,
To hide it would be an affront
To my knowledge of men:
The straight ones all yen
For TV, sports, big tits and cunt.

1403. The Tiger sanction

The golfer, real name Eldrick Woods,
Has trouble with shouldn'ts and shoulds
Loose life, lost his wife,
Now thrice under the knife
He can no longer bring home the goods.
Woods won his14 major championships from 1997 thru 2008.  In the 2014 British Open, he was 69th out of 72 golfers who made the cut.

1402. Playboy or Penthouse?

There once was a boy with a hankerin'
To date and try out hanky-pankerin'
But the guy was too shy
To give women a try
So he stayed in his room at home, wankerin'.

1401. We can really pick 'em, can't we?

(Insert politician's name) is stupid and crass
Or maybe just has to pass gas.
He never needs tissue
For on every issue
He's got his damned thumb up his ass.

1400. A bit nonchalant, I'd say

It pains me to watch Ernie Els
Play golf from the sand and the dells.
And when he is putting
He quickly goes strutting
To putt it again; his game smells.
Els barely managed to break 80 in the first round of the 2014 British Open -- 13 shots worse than Rory McIlroy's 66.  Here's one reason why (click.)  Somebody needs to backhand him...

1399. A real corker

An Hasidic young Jew was so cautious
That he never left home sans galoshes
And when out with the girls
Why, his cute sideburn curls
Did outshine Sophie's, Beth's and Natasha's.

1398. Smear tactics

A pathology student named Whitt
With a microscope, faltered a bit.
When asked to decide,
"Which worms found on this slide?"
It turned out he didn't know shit.

1397. A vast wasteland*

Most shows on TV I despise
So few are for folks who are wise
And the ones with good plots
Often aren't in prime slots
And get cancelled when ratings don't rise.

*53 years later, it's (click) "a toxic dump."
Note: The clip's lead-in misspells his last name.  It's "Minow."

1396. Idaho if you'll like this one

A pederast in Coeur d'Alene
Kept a teen boy for pleasure and pain
Since the youngster cross-dressed
In this town 'way out west,
Folks called him "Catamity Jane."

If that leaves you speechless, perhaps a "catamite got your tongue?"

1395. Now you tell me

After planting some seeds (they were Burpee's)
Farmer Brown took a gal out for Slurpees
Things progressed, he inserted,
Got done, then she blurted,
"I think you should know I have herpes."

1394. Avoiding Common Corps

A hoofer who hailed from Hanoi
Went to Moscow to join the Bolshoi
Since not classically trained,
She wasn't retained
They refused to employ hoi polloi.

1393. Do you suppose he's paid a celery?

A nutritionist said in his talk,
"You should eat foods containing a stalk."
He told us that rhubarb
Has only a few carb-
ohydrates.  Still, taste makes me balk.

1392. What a drip

Upon coming home from the Doc's
My boyfriend said, "I have the pox."
So, that son of a bitch
Is who's made my cunt itch!
The unfaithful prick gores my ox.

1391. Alp me wander

In July if you're near Chamonix
You should go there to see where Frogs skix
After that, I think yeux
Should head north to Montreux
Where their jazz fest perhaps you will six.
Apologies to The Beach Boys for that title.

1390. Able-bodied semen

A hooker who knew Captain Bligh
Gave all crew members blow jobs, no lie!
Before she would stop
She would suck every drop,
Which led to the saying, "bone dry."
If she had been on HMS Bounty, I doubt the men would have mutinied.

1389. Today's slant on things

I know of a tourist named Lisa
Who always has longed to see Pisa
With its tower which leans
Ah, but fate intervenes --
The date just expired on her visa.

1388. Easier said than done

When a horny guy sees his first twat
He's liable to come on the spot!
She'd like it much better
If he'd only let her
Insert him 'fore firing his shot.

1387. Sunshine patriots

Many U.S. citizens don't appreciate freedom.  This gives me Paine.
The Fourth of July comes each year
Celebrated with flags and good cheer
We're lucky descendants,
For our independence
Is worth more than fireworks and beer.

In 1776, Thomas Paine wrote, These are the times that try men's souls: The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.

1386. Halep 'bout this?

Simona had two massive mounds
34 double D's, folks said, "Zounds!"
A doctor used suction
To give her reduction
The stuff he pulled out weighed ten pounds!

Belgian Simona Halep lost in today's Wimbledon semifinals.  She had breast reduction surgery when she was still a teenager.  Here are before and after pics.

1385. Sound familiar?

There once was a fellow from Dayton
With sex drive in need of some satin'
And so he got married
But now he's more harried --
The bitch he wed doesn't like matin'.

1384. Behave or be nettled

When it comes to religious hegemony
There's no group as strong as the Yemeni
If folks do not follah
Mohammed and Allah
They're stung with a big sea anemone.
And they call the wound Shari'a...

1383. Pay to play

Don't ever try stiffing a whore
(You screw, you don't pay, out the door)
'Cause if her pimp finds you
He more than reminds you,
His thugs beat you 'til you're quite sore.

1382. Beat (Texas)

A tunesmith from old Waxahachie
Came up with a song that was cachie
Underlain by the thrum
Of a big conga drum
It appealed to Cheyenne and Apachie.

1381. Spreading more Frog's legs

This makes three in a row with French cities.  Call me a FrancoPhil.
While trav'ling from Nantes clear to Nancy
An Orleans girl caught my fancy
I screwed the young maid
On the ground in a glade
In broad daylight!  Exciting, but chancy.

1380. This isn't Nice (or Cannes)

A gal in Marseilles looked askance
When a man asked to get in her pants
The fact ineluctable?
She was not fuctable
(Unlike most women in France.)

1379. In need of a doctor. (Pepper.)

There once was a drunk from Le Havre
Who ordered all dishes au poivre
The rummy was dumb, he
Destroyed his poor tummy
By trying too hard to be suavre.

1376-1378. Rhythm method (lack thereof)

There once was a man from Nepal
Who, sadly, had only one ball
This screwed up his meter
When using his peter --
He fathered no offspring at all.

Because of this hitch in his gait
He could never put sperm in his mate
As he fucked her, his jerkiness
Wasn't just quirkiness,
Poor fellow never shot straight!

Each time he would reach paroxysm
He'd splatter the wrong spot with jism
Sometimes wall, sometimes sheets,
All these constant defeats
Caused his marriage to wind up in schism.

1375. Oh, poo!

I know an expression that's cool,
To be said as you head to the stool.
It's a little verbose
And most gals find it gross,
"Gonna drop the kids off at the pool."

1374. Joys in the hood

Want to make a girl come?  Well, it's simple
First, find what feels like a big pimple
It's above where she pisses
Stroke, flick, give it kisses
Done right, it should make her cheeks dimple.

1371-1373. Many happy returns of the day*

Frère Larry's turned three score and ten!
Somehow, he's remained really thin
It must be his diet
(Though I'll never try it)
I'm sure it does not include gin.

While I sit at home with my rhyming
He'll probably go out rock climbing
But, hey!  It's your day,
Spend it any old way
With activities you find subliming.

Of stanzas, you ought have another
So here goes, you wonderful brother --
When it comes to men
I could have as my kin
I can't think of any I'd ruther.

* First learned c. 1950 on the radio show, "Big John and Sparkie."

1370. Naples' sightseeing staples

A dandy who dressed very dapp'ry
Took his young Latin lover to Capri.
They drove in an auto
To see The Blue Grotto
And drowned.  (That's enough of this yapp'ry.)

Italians pronounce it CAP-ree (actually, CAHP-ree) so why do we say ca-PREE?

1369. It's gonna be a long day

If you visit, don't bring any voles t'us
'Twould be like bringing Newcastle coals t'us,
Ev'ry June (it's not nice)
We get hundreds of mice
Starting just about now -- Summer Solstice.

1368. Spare me

After taking his girl out to bowl
A fellow revealed his long pole.
It caused her to mutter
When he 'threw a gutter'
And stuck his pole in the wrong hole.

1367. Not bright on the right

A talk show host, Sean Patrick Hannity,
Says things that reveal his insanity
He loved Jerry Falwell
(I think each would maul well)
While beating them, I'd use profanity.
Preacher Falwell died in 2007.

PD145-150. Monstrosities

There once was a man named McNameter
Who was blessed with both length and diameter 
Now it wasn't his size
That gave girls surprise
But his rhythm: iambic pentameter

A young man maintained that his trigger
Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
But this long and thick pud
Was so heavy it could
Scarcely lift up its head.  It lacked vigor.

A newlywed bride, Mrs. Young,
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung.
When asked how it ripped
She replied as she stripped,
"That man who I married is hung".

Said a thoughtful young stud from Brasilia
"One orgasm spasm will fill ya
I'll just let the rest
Gush out on your chest
If I shot it inside, it'd kill ya!

Viagra, to which I'm addicted,
Works better by far, than depicted.
It's gone from quite limp
To as big as a blimp
Which is more than my unaided dick did.

There once was a man from Far Rockaway
Who could skizzle a broad from a block away.
Once while taking a fuck,
Along came a truck
And knocked both his balls and his cock away.

1366. Next idea -- buggy repair

There once was a workman named Leon
Who repaired only signs which used neon
His small fixit shop
Was, of course, a huge flop
Leaving Leon to live as a peon.

1365. A Hana lulu

When her door opened after some knocks
Jack Lord gave the suspect two shocks
Just before "Book 'em, Danno!"
He spied her piano
And said, "Hey, may I bang your box?"

It's really not a dirty question.  Check THIS SONG from 1954.  Also, Hana (in my title) is on Maui.  I'm told the TV show, "Hawaii 50", took place on Oahu.

1364. Is this just a Tulsa phenomenon?

Why is it that car dealers can't
Advertise on TV without rant?
They use blondes as shills
Never Jacks, always Jills,
But the girls make me puke 'stead of pant.

1363. Beer and brats?

Last night I attended a beer tasting at the downtown Tulsa location of Oklahoma's top purveyor of beers, James E. McNellie's Public House, which offers over 350 brews.  The Tulsa beermeister, Tony Collins, did a great comparative tasting of UK vs. US ales/porters/stouts for our thirsty group of five fine fellows.
A Tulsa roué, Tony Collins,
Is an expert on beers, also ballin’s.
The asses and bellies
He’s stroked at McNellie’s
Have made him known clear to New Awlins!

1362. Elegy for an LG

Our TV set's gone on the blink
Just 18 months old, you would think
That the thing would have lasted
Much longer.  This blasted
Flat screen may get thrown in the drink!

1361. Atlantic bight (bite?)

Have you seen a map of Benin?
Its shape is a wee bit obscene
From the looks of the shaft
The moyel was daft,
Either that, or the guy was just mean.

I've heard it said that moyels work only for tips...

1360. 300 miles to go

We're spending tonight in Memphis.  Tomorrow we'll drive 400 miles to Tulsa but thankfully, only about 300 on this Interstate Highway!
I arrived today at this deduction:
I-40 has too much construction.
Drove in rain, tons of trucks,
I screamed out lots of "Fuck!"s
Think I'd rather have had bowel obstruction.

1359. Cozy in North Carolina

It's been a long day, we're in crashville
At a Quality Inn here in Asheville
If these pillows will tilt more
We'll sleep, then tour Biltmore
'Fore heading for Tulsa thru Nashville.

1358. Clay pigeon

Over Djokovic there lies a pall
He can't win the French Open at all
When put to the test
He comes out second best,
Nine times it's been won by Nadal.

1357. Refinements needed?

This blog of mine's not well-designed
And its name makes it too hard to find.
Although some rhymes are clean
(Mixed in with the obscene)
Among friends it has been much maligned.

To which I say, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a (dirty) joke."

1356. Desperately shreiking, no excusin'

Sharapova hits hard like a boy
Roland Garros today was her toy.
Why is it this cunt
Thinks each shot needs a grunt?
They don't help her, they simply annoy.
I watched the entire match with the sound on 'mute.'

1355. How to make a woman scream twice

If your wife wants sex rough like a rape
Fuck her ass, grab her neck by the nape
And to make her scream twice
Use this extra device:
When done, wipe your dick on the drape.

1354. Blightier than the sword

An acid-tongued woman named Harkey
Had a manner of speech rough and snarky
Besides taking pot-shots
She'd throw out these what-nots
Which turned out to be all malarkey.

OP152. A-flatus

There once was a man from Jakarta
Who was known as a terrible farta
Every burst of methane
Was loudly profane
And the stink, no one wanted a parta.

OP151. The good ones are either taken or gay...

There once was a woman named Kate
Who I thought I'd ask out on a date
But I failed on that front
'Cause she's crazy for cunt
So I went home to masturbate.

1353. Vermonted, undaunted

There once was a woman named Celia
Who passed away up in Montpelia
Her husband, the coroner,
Did cry and did moroner
But had one last fuck -- necrophilia!

1352. Smitten

We're down here in South Carolina
With granddaughter Nora, none fina.
She's now one week old:
If I may be so bold,
God ne'er made a child who's divina.
Doubtless every grandparent feels this way.  Still...

1350-1351. What size sin?

A rascal with elephantiasis
Screwed all of the nuns in the diocese
These acts so ulterior
Made Mother Superior
Say, "You've removed one of my biases!"

The rascal replied, "You're most genial
To take on my large organ penial.
And now that it's in
Thanks for saying my sin
Isn't mortal, it's only just venial."

1349. How to fuck a fat woman

If you get a case of the hots
For a gal full of flab, I mean LOTS,
Do not feel so dolor-
ous.  Take her and roll her
In flour and then look for wet spots.

1348. Thanks for the Limmeries

This blog now has one hundred fifty
Submissions of humor most thrifty
Written by you OP's*
And they usually please
Your host, who considers you nifty!

* For you readers who've never bothered to read the banner atop each page, OP designations for entry numbers mean they were posted by 'Other People', that is, not by your blog host, The Limericist.

OP150. Baby Nora vs. nursery crimes

Hickory, dickory, dock.

My grandpa writes limerick schlock!

     I don’t know which is worse,

     Being born or his verse.

Will I quote it when I learn to talk?

Congratulations, Mr. Limericist, on the arrival of a new Greatest Generation!  (Re: No. 1346)