1288. Mammoth undertaking

In Kentucky, an avid spelunker
First heads to a bar in his clunker
Asks each girl in the tavern
To come to the cavern
If one ever caves, he will funk her.

PD135. Did daddy mecca big donation?

A noisy young student, a Saudi,
Was dismissed by his tutors as rowdy.
So imagine his glee
When he got his degree
And they had to admit him Cum Laude.

1287. Shades of Marie Antoinette

There is a rich U.A.E. sheikh
Whose palace sits over a leikh
Of the highest grade oil
Which allows him to spoil
His minions by feeding them keikh.

1286. A shot in the dark

Last night in a very wet dream
A horny sex slave made me beam
I forced her to crawl up
My leg for a dollop
Of slightly-warm, freshly-made cream.

1285. Ukraine ukase

What kind of a madman is Putin?
He's rootin' and tootin' and lootin
I have no idea
Why he grabbed Crimea
But he should bug out, no disputin'.

1283-84. Two gay guys

I know a fine man born in Greeley
Whose choice in a mattress is Sealy
I really can't say
(For I'm straight and he's gay)
But in bed, I'll bet he's touchy/feely.

A homo explorer from Cush
Would often go roaming the bush
Now, you needn't ponder
What made him go wander
His quest was a mouth or tight tush.
In hopes they'd become Aswan?

1282. Ach du lieber! Bad as Bieber

That Cyrus twit, first name of Miley,
Does nothing to make me feel smiley
When I saw her twerk
I went nearly berserk --
How is it teens rate her so highly?

1281. Starch your engine

A gal franchisee (Martinizing*)
Tried to get her best customer rising
When he couldn't come through
She muttered, "Well, poo,
It's not just your shirts that need sizing."
Guess he brought his own hanger...

* A chain of laundry/dry cleaning establishments.

1280. Waterloo in Waterloo

An indolent woman from Kitchener
Spent all of her time reading Michener.
Wouldn't clean, wouldn't cook,
Worst of all, wouldn't fook,
Her husband, of course, wound up pitchin' her.
According to wikipedia -- and who could doubt that? -- the seat of government for Ontario's Regional Municipality of Waterloo is Kitchener.

1279. A bow WOW!

An Anglican priest can't stop staring
At a woman whose dress is too daring.
In fact, he believes
She's the real "Anne of Cleaves"
'Cause her décolletage is so baring.
Could the priest have been Sabine Baring-Gould? (CLICK)

1278. Teams, hell -- I can't even pick my nose

March Madness has barely begun
I had thought it would be so much fun!
But the touts can't be trusted,
My bracket is busted
So stick a fork in me, I'm done.

1277. No news is NO NEWS!

Hey, anchors, for more than twelve days ya
Have led your newscasts with "Malaysia
Airlines" and its plane
Which you still can't explain
Just drop it, i.e., get aphasia.

Malaysia Airlines' Flight 370, a Boeing 777 en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing, disappeared from radar on 3/8/14.  To date there is still no explanation of what happened to it -- yet the networks continue to begin every broadcast with "the latest news" -- which is zilch.

PD131-134. Double doses

There was a young lady from Natchez
Who chanced to be born with two snatches.
And she often said, "Shit,
I would give my left tit
For a man with equipment that matches."

Did you know there were two Sigmund Freuds?
One loved nymphomaniacal beuds.
But the other -- the prude --
Who wrote books that were lewd
Had his testicles insured by Lleuds.

A curious lass from Dundee
Tried two lads simultaneously.
From the fore and the aft
She was given the shaft.
Now it pains her to sit and to pee.

An hermaphrodite has all the fun!
He really is two -- though she's one!
Discontent on the shelf
He need just fuck himself
And, if pregnant, she knows who's the one!

1276. AWAD shout out and shot out

I've touted A Word A Day before in this blog.  It is a truly wonderful website and you can and should sign up BY CLICKING HERE.  Today's word -- desuetude -- was defined as "a state of disuse."  I'll try it in adjectival form:

My poor desuetudinal dick
Still longs for a pussy that's slick
But it's been so damned long
Since employing my dong
That I surely would shoot way too quick.

OP144. Couldn't Finnish what he started

There once was a man from Helsinki
Who went to the bar for a drinki
He downed many a glass
And he picked up a lass
But he couldn't give rise to his dinki.

OP143. The picture of de Oreo in gray.

Took a pic you regret?  Want to throw in towel?

Do some drug to forget?  (Think a Löwenbräu’ll?)

     C.P.’s selfie’s a throw-back

     He snapped with a Kodak.

What’s next—he was gay?  Heeee-re’s colon pal!

Last week a 60-year-old “self-portrait” was posted on his Facebook page by four-star General and former Secretary of State Colin Powell.  He took the youthful B&W snapshot in his bedroom mirror.

The title references a term popularized by Black Power advocates.  A Black man who advanced due to his perceived pandering to the White Establishment was called an “Oreo”—because he was “black on the outside and white on the inside.”

1275. An Erin to run

There once was a lass from clan Fitz
Who had an attack of the shitz
She spread more than blarney
All over Killarney.
(This lim'rick won't get many hitz.)

OP142. It's a gas!

There once was a swimmer from Dublin
Who felt a sensation quite troublin'
All of those in the pool
Found it very uncool
When the water around him was bubblin'.

Happy St. Patty's Day!  Not my best, but it'll do.

1274. Happy B'Day, Sweetie!

Today is my daughter's 34th birthday.
She's certainly had a weight gain
And she's suffering lower-back pain
She eats butter-brickle
Along with a pickle
No question!  My daughter's incein'.

Enceinte is French for pregnant.  (She's due 5/20.)

1273. Out of town on a rail

In Paris, a bellicose pair
Chose to break off their short love affair.
They arrived at the train
Which would take her to Spain,
And he coldly remarked, "C'est la gare."

La gare is 'the train station' while la guerre is 'the war.'

1272. Choo-choo scroo

Making love to his wife on a train
A man got a nasty back sprain
The conductor said, "Creep!
Next time pay for a sleep-
er.  Don't fuck in my club car again!"

OP141. Ad court, ad nauseam

France’s tennis star, Alize Cornet,

Requests service balls in a strange way:

     From the droite, never gauche,

     She won’t vary a skosh

Thus confounding young ball boys all day.

    

During her service games Mlle. Cornet will face away from the net to accept balls for the next point from only the ball attendant on the ad court side, to her right.  She does deign to permit the deuce court attendant to handle her towel.

I have used the Anglicized form of her first name.  At home in Nice (with her cat Papyrus) she would be called “Ah-lee-zay.”

OP140. He has reached a break(ing) point

Serving, four points all, his game grew loose:

Easy smash netted --- racquet abuse!

     “With that shit shot,” he whined,

     “I am sure I’ve assigned

Double meaning to ‘dropping a deuce.’”

This one and OP141 were inspired by my attendance at the Indian Wells, California, BNP Paribas Open Tennis Tournament of March 2014.

1271. This one's apocryphal

Lee Boyd Malvo and John Allen Muhammed went on a 3-week shooting spree around Washington in October, 2002.  Malvo, only 17 at the time, has claimed that Muhammed, b. 1960, sexually assaulted and controlled him.
That young DC sniper named Malvo
Shot and wounded a priest in his Volvo
When the youngster was jailed
The priest kindly mailed
A letter which said, "Te absolvo."

Forgive me if Malvo rhymes with salvo...

Not limericks, but wonderful!

I received this list via email and passed it along to some of this blog's readers.  Dave Reddekopp, I know that you are a scientist but I don't have an email address for you.  Ergo, YOU are the reason this excellent collection is appearing here!  I'd hate for you to miss out!

20 JOKES THAT ONLY INTELLECTUALS WILL UNDERSTAND

1. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

3. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"

The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"

4. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It's Einstein's turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it."

Newton smiles and says, "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

5. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful, naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "This is pointless," and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out, "Don't you see, you'll never be able to reach her?" To which the engineer replied, "So What? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

6. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."

7. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

8. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently, "So is it a boy or a girl?"  The logician replies, "Yes."

9. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we are out of cream. How about with no milk?"

10.  Entropy isn't what it used to be.

11. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

12. Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

      Because 31Oct  = 25 Dec.

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.  Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?"  Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."  Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

14. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog."

15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."  He doesn't react.

(Ed. note: love the double entendre, "He.")

16. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.  And doesn't.

17. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here."  The Higgs Boson then replies, "But without me, how could you have mass?"

19. The engineer’s wife tells him, "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread.  If they have eggs, get a dozen."  The engineer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

20. There's a band called 1023 MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

 

1270. Gathering evidence?

Someone from the Texas A.G.
Office likes reading lim'ricks by me!
Or does he/she intend
To press charges, defend-
ing the public's outraged decency?
Since I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma I'm probably safe.

At the bottom of any page of my blog is a "StatCounter."  Besides recording total visits, it lets me know when they occurred and from what city, state, and domain, e.g., AT&T Uverse, they originated.  The last two days have brought visits from "Texas Attorney General" -- probably not him, personally, but from within that state office.  Glad to have you (and everyone else!)

1269. Unsecure man cave

With one hand, he sipped a cold Bud
With the other, he fondled his pud
All the time watching porn
Wished he'd never been born
When his wife walked in: now his name's mud.

1268. Pewww-litzer material

Our local news rag now lacks glamour
Due, in part, to its use of bad grammar
No longer spectacular
It's rife with vernacular
I'd just as soon hear someone stammer.

PD127-130. Each of these four features a whore

There was a hot gal from the Saar
Who fucked all, from both near and far.
When asked to explain
She replied with disdain,
"I'm trying to buy me a car."

In the case of a hooker named Frost,
Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
It's the best part of valor
To bugger the gal, or
You're apt to fall in and get lost.

A randy young fellow with moxie
Fucked a fat, syphilitic old doxie.
When he looked 'tween her knees
And saw millions of fleas
He regretted not fucking by proxy.

A notorious harlot named Hearst,
In the pleasures of men is well-versed.
Reads a sign o'er the head
Of her well-rumpled bed:
"THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS COMES FIRST."

1267. He might be chary to change

A foul-farting fellow named Dino
Ends each meal with one Maraschino
He ought up his status
And stop all his flatus
By changing that top-off to Beano.

1266. Hoops oops

I remain a big fan of The Thunder
In spite of last night's desert blunder.
But give credit to Phoen-
ix and shooting guard, Green,
Whose 41 tore us asunder.
OKC led by 16 with 3:47 left in the 3rd, but trailed 101-98 at the end of the quarter and lost 128-122.  The Suns' Gerald Green scored 25(!) points in that 3rd quarter.

1265. One-on-one disallowed

An NBA star, quite a giant,
Tried to make the head cheerleader pliant
By giving her booze
But she closed up her cooze
And acted extremely defiant.
Almost all professional cheer squads have a "no fraternization with the players' rule.

1264. Rigorous examination

A lecherous young undertaker
Was assigned to prepare Carroll Baker.
Kissed her tit, rubbed her clit,
Even spit in her slit
Before deftly proceeding to make 'er.
This is fuctitious.  I just checked and she's still alive (82.)

1263. Shades of "Fahrenheit 451"

At home in his comfy environs
He heard the police and fire sirens
Can they really arrest
Him right there in his nest
Just for reading a poem of Byron's?
Perhaps the poem was Prometheus (see #1262 from yesterday.)

1262. Disobedient soldier?

When I was a college freshman, my English prof told the class, "It's pronounced 'pro-ME-thoose.'  After all, we say 'Zoose', not 'Zee-us', don't we?"  I think he may have been incorrect but it does provide the proper meter for my limerick...
A lesser-god raised up the ire
Of Zeus, causing Zeus to inquire:
"Prometheus, you Titan,
How come you are spitin'
Me?  Didn't I say, 'Hold your fire'?"

In mythology, Prometheus received eternal punishment for giving fire to humans.

1261. I don't kid, man

'Best Actress' makes me want to pet
Her hot pussy, though we've never met
I'd love to get bossy
With my favorite Aussie
And that would be sweet Cate Blanchett.

1260. Pooh on you racists

Eldrick Woods is a golfer.  I figger
He's glad he's called 'Tiger,' not 'Tigger.'
For the people who hate him
Would likely berate him
By rhyming his name (not with 'bigger.')
The NFL is considering a 15-yard penalty against players who make racial slurs.  I hope that the PGA never needs a similar rule...