Thank You for your response!

I'm exploding with excitement that everyone else is so excited! We're excited too! I love your responses to my questions (keep um coming). I returned home from a long and awesome day at work to find 35 new messages in my inbox! We both read every blog comment but I'm the social one who posts. Now I just want the time to fly and for Heavenly Father to take care of my clients if she goes into labor early! It will be welcomed time with our baby but I'm sad my clients won't have an appointment for an additional 5 weeks! yeah yeah yeah 'don't worry about that Lila", easy for you to say, you aren't trying to keep your beloved clients looking and feeling gorgeous and keeping your NEW business afloat! ;)
Mike and I really feel so lucky to get to experience this and with all of you. I feel so blessed to get to take care of a little human finally, it is a real dream come true. It's hard to wrap my brain around that it's finally seemingly here. We have a lot of faith in Courtney especially because she is convinced but there is something to be said when your baby is born and you see him, isn't there? I wouldn't blame her to be attached, at least a little, she is human. I want to be considerate of that and help her through that time. Thank you!
On a fun note. Did you notice the map widget on the top right of my blog? It's a map of the cities that people are from that look at your blog! I think it's only for that day, I don't remember but I have a couple Canadians eh! WELCOME. Also Algeria, that is amazing to see a connection. It's fun. I hope you all think so.
I just wanted to make a comment so I disabled the comments for this post only. I hope you know how sincere we are in our gratefulness to each of you for your love and concern of this process. We feel your love and Courtney will be aware of it too.

So... I have some time...

I was talking to Rachel A. about pediatricians and decided to ask you all some questions of which I'd appreciate your reply. Whether out of town or in town you can help. 1st Who is you're Pediatrician in town & why do you like him/her. 2nd Is there someone you DON'T recommend? (this can also be emailed so we're not 'bad mouthing' online please. lilastuteville@yahoo.com) 3rd what qualities should I look for in a trusted Dr for my child? All these questions from someone who still doesn't have a gynocologist (sp?) OR primary care Dr after living here 6 years! Feel free to recommend for that too. smile.
All of you have been so helpful, I can't wait to hear your answers when I get home tonight... Later I hope to post the result of 'the gift basket' for Courtney...

Here she is... Miss America!

Here is Courtney! Obviously she gave us permission to share her picture. It makes her happy to know that everyone is so excited. She was almost surprised that we have told everyone we know.
Courtney is WONDERFUL and great and beautiful. We had a great conversation once it got started. She and I started started talking with Hannah on a conference call where we really couldn't hear each other. After about an hour Hannah had to go so we continued our conversation on our own when I called her back. We talked from 1p till almost 330p! Iiiiiiii, know! Before she hung up with us, Hannah, said, "It's like you guys knew each other before" (p.s. H never got to speak in our conference call). lol. It really was like that, we continued our conversation with each other after Michael got to say hi real quick before going back to work (the connection was so bad on the conference call, he could just stare at me while i talked and give me thumbs up and 'watched the conversation)
(click the picture to see larger)
Courtney is really great. She is intuitive, wise, funny, loving and sensitive. Like any woman, she has the questions and insecurities we all do. She loves her mother and feels like they are very connected still even though she was killed in a car accident a year and a half ago. I found out that she grew up riding horses and caring for all kinds of animals (including livestock) on her maternal grandfathers 40acre property in Mississippi, her favorite color is green, she loves anything CHOCOLATE, Chinese Food is her favorite and she loves MADONNA! LOL. It is hilarious. We are really looking forward to our visit next Friday and Saturday, we can't wait to see her and give her a hug... She also asked us to keep in touch with her after the baby's born with emails and pictures and possible visits. She expressed to us that she really does want us to name the baby and lastly, she asked if we would please be in the delivery room when she has the baby. WOW! I don't know what else to say?! We are very excited to be asked to such a personal experience and can't wait to be part of it. In the end she kept telling me how sure she is about placing the baby and not to worry about her changing her mind etc. I told her I appreciate her honesty and reassurance. We had an easy conversation and that is a relief. Our plan for our visit is this: Friday lunch together, go to a park after then meet for dinner (Hannah will be with us for all of this). On Saturday, we will likely hang out for breakfast or stop by to see her right before we go out of town to get some ice cream or something. SOooooo Exciting!!! SOoooo nerve racking!!!!!! Aghhhhhh!

Guess who's going to talk to her birth mother tomorrow at 1pm??? Guess who also was sent a picture of her??? Let me ask if it's ok to post it when I talk to her and I'll post it. I'm so excited! It's getting real. Understandably I have been hesitant to embrace this process and am stepping out of my shell. Michael and I are really looking forward to our visit. Right now we're not nervous. With all the little things I'm learning about her, it's making the gift ideas turn. I think she has a short attention span, like she wouldn't have patience to sit still, she's always on the go and she really is a teenager with wanting to use facebook and talk to her friends and stuff. I daydream a lot about what she's thinking about and how it would feel to be stuck in a hotel by yourself after being in jail since may, spending your 18th birthday there (we're bringing a belated gift for that, in fact may 'wrap' all the gifts and say that is why... cute!) and not having any of your stuff with you (she just got some of her stuff today actually). It has to be lonely and boring. I will gift accordingly, candy, handheld games etc). I've been told she's not a 'writer' so if I do a journal idea, I'll modify it to suit her attention span. smile. I was talking to my brother and sister in law tonight who have 2 children through adoption (and just had their first 'to term', healthy baby boy), picking their brain about their birth mother meeting. I told them, I'll bring our photo albums for her to look at. If it's appropriate, we'll tell her about our missionary experience and show pictures of that. I think she'd like to know how we met... I still may make her something, not a scarf but something else, we'll see. Anyway... I just wanted to document these thoughts and now will go to bed. I started this blog at 1045p and it's now 1243am. lol. I started watching survivor and thank goodness for time zones cause it's two hours earlier in Cali so I got to talk to 3 siblings, a sis in law ( i whispered to a baby nephew) and my mom and then finished the blog. lol. I'm sooooooo ready for bed! i get to sleep in tomorrow! i will not set my alarm and will not feel bad about it. Carly... I'm gonna make your letters tomorrow! I'm excited. I'll throw in a gift for your baby boy too! (thanks Hallie for the hat info I CANT WAIT!!!)
by for now y'all.

Failed Phone Call, wah wah wah...

Ok, so. I have been EXTREMELY busy at work (thank you everyone!!!). I'm not complaining at all but thought you'd like to know my schedule: I get up at 9a, at work by 10, slammed back to back with clients till 9pm (or later! it was fun Tara, lol) after cleaning and closing out business stuff, I'm home by 930-945! When I get home, I work on the computer for about 2 hours, setting appointements up, responding to emails etc. THEN while I watch Dancing With the Stars, I check facebook to ignore 'food flings' and 'pokes' but mostly to see if Kate emailed (sorry, the girl makes me smile. what can i say?) but also to see what old friends from home have found me (so exciting, i love facebook for that). Blurry eyed, I check the time to see 2AM!!! and crawl into bed with my sleeping husband.... wake up at 9a, at work by 10 etc etc ....
So, I've had no time for socialization except for clients (lucky devils) and was dreading another long night (in a way and only cause i keep staying up so late) till my phone ring said my caseworker this morning! I was doing Katie's hair and just finished (it looks AMAZING of course) when I answered the phone. It was actually Hannah asking if it was possible that we have a phone call with Courtney cause basically she is really restless right now. I was like... umm. right now? (getting dizzy thinking about all the clients i had left in the day) she said no, In the next few days starting today. Ok, I was excited now cause I can't wait to talk to her, are you kidding? I said, cautiously, that we could do it tonight when i get off work at 9p if it isn't too late. Even though it was 10p there time, she said, lets do it! I was pumped! Surprisingly not nervous because of all my gained perspective about getting too excited about things over the years... I went on with my day and got home by nine after getting really good hugs of excitement from my clients. I got home, I changed clothes, used the restroom, I got out a pad of paper, (p.s. MDS went to play basket ball tonight cause I said, I'll be taking over the conversation anyway, so he might as well keep his 'appointment' with the court. lol) and a pen, ready for notes and waited for the phone to ring (checking emails for those 3min of wait) and at 9:03p the house phone rang! It was Hannah. She explained (i'm sure nervously) that C was so restless earlier (bored and moody, alone in a hotel) that she didn't feel up to talking tonight. frown. but I did get to have a nice talk with Hannah. I got to ask a lot of questions about C and even found out the birth father is also young, just graduated from High School. C is actually from Mississippi somewhere and can't wait to get back but the terms of her probation prohibit her from leaving the state at the moment. She just wants out of that room. No car, no way to call anyone, no computer and is now 18 (Birthday was last friday, Sept 19th) wanting to get away. Add pregnancy hormones and you basically have a cocktail for a tazmanian devil. smile. So, I'm happy to wait a couple days for Friday when I can finally take a breath! In the mean time, I have all new ideas for her meeting gift so I may remove the poll and add a new. sorry! New info calls for new polls folks! I was told some other things but I do need to keep some to ourselves (at least for now). I'm not 'worried' but I am concerned about her running away or something if she gets too restless. Hannah assures me that C is taking this very seriously and WILL place the baby but if C runs into the wrong hands out of despiration and final freedom, I'm more concerned about THAT person and what they will impress upon her mind. We're praying, we never stop. I'm looking forward to talking to her on Friday hopefully (then I'll blog about it - of course) and we are making plans to see her NEXT Friday and Saturday, Oct 3rd & 4th. sigh.... I know this has already been a roller coaster but I didn't know I could have a big roller coaster all in one day!? lol. keeping the faith....
kisses, ok, hugs too.

Courtney was released today!

I'm at work but Christopher just called to say Courtney's been released from jail today! He said she was anxious to get out and asked 'When can I meet Michael and Lila?' Ahhh! I'm so excited! I thought she would be released thurs or friday & it would be too soon to come down so I moved all my clients from NEXT weekend to THIS weekend! lol. Murphy's law right? So it's likely we'll be in atlanta next weekend to meet her....
I have about scrapped the scarf idea for a first meeting gift and am considering another but I need MORE gift ideas so suggest away! Remember, she will be in simple temporary surroundings so keep it simple and thoughtful. smile. ok, back to work....

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Suggestions (and revisions)

So, Courtney has a hearing regarding her release on Sept 25th or 26th. We will be praying that what is best for the baby will happen. When she is released, it's likely we will be asked to meet her within a week or two. EXCITING! NERVOUS! YIKES! So, I also need some suggestions.
It is not uncommon to bring a 'gift' to the birth mother when you meet her. I asked my sister in law what she did and something she mentioned she felt was right for her birth mom was a willow tree figurine for example. Our birth mom doesn't have her own home and this type of idea is great but not right for her. So... i would love suggestions.... I was thinking of finding out her favorite color and crocheting her a scarf for the winter.
As far as the time of placement of the baby there is many times a more meaningful gift shared. Michael and I have agreed that we would like to give her a ring we found that to us, tells her, "You will always be a part of our hearts and we will always be a part of yours". We want her to wear it and know we are thinking of her and always grateful for the choice she made to place her son with us. Here is the ring.
http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?sku=GRP01974&mcat=148204&cid=288155&search_params=s+3-p+6-c+288155-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+

Friday 9/19/08:
I think I confused a lot of folks so, I'll clarify. smile. There are two seperate gifts to give...
1) at our first meeting (scarf and/or something else, preferably casual cause she can still change her mind, I don't know her personality etc)
2) at placement (the ring, likely for sure)
Thank you for all the comments so far. I love them all! more, More MORE!!!! lol.

Courtney

So as I pretend to be patient between hearing anything about our current adoption, I will share some confidential information about our birthmom in Atlanta. We were given a bit of her health history and personal background this weekend in a fax. I would like to share a few of her interesting facts and appropriate information you can know:

Sadly, I learned her mother died at age 36 in a car accident. (don't know how long ago) Later, Courtney describes her mothers personality as "Laid back, fun, outragously outgoing. down-to-earth-type". Describing her own personality, she wrote, "My personality is unique just like my mother's was." (I am so touched by this, you can tell how much she loves her mother and misses her, especially as later she says that "everyone in her family has disowned her" except her mothers parents. sad to me, i have more and more compassion for her. she does also say she is close to her 16yr old brother)

Having not completed High School, she wants to get her G.E.D and go to Cosmetology School. (I just might have some 'advice' for her about that)

She states her dad's "Talents, hobbies, interests" are: "Cleaning guns". LOL!!!!! (we honestly almost died laughing, honestly. no really, honestly)

Both her parents are listed as "American Indian" (not enrolled in or affiliated with a tribe) with Scottish, German and Irish named first. She lists herself as "Caucasian" though.

She and both her parents are allergic to cats (my mother in law is getting ready to give Oliver a home. lol).

There is other information but I feel like it's inappropriate to share more than this on a blog. I'm hoping she likes us. I feel encouraged that we have things in common like brown hair, hazel eyes and the similarity to she and her moms personalities! AND, wouldn't you know, one of michael's hobbies is ... you guessed it, 'cleaning guns!' Uncanny. smirk.

mY neeeewest nephew

Welcome

Luke Von Wutkee

born. Wednesday, September 10, 2008

3:38pm (via exhausted c-section) 7 lbs 9 oz 21 inches long

proud family: Bennett, Jennifer, Noah and Olivia

Latest

So it's been a little hectic. My parents are here from California, having driven to Idaho to drop their 11th child off at college then drove to Tennessee to see their favorite (my dog smokey) child. I'm up at 226am typing in a blog while i have my thoughts. when i wake up i may have a new nephew via my brother Bennett and his wife Jennifer! if not through the night, i hope soon. anyway, Christopher let me know our birthmothers name is COURTNEY and what we should include in our 'follow up' letter to her. Without telling you the details of the letter, i'll sum up that we expressed what we felt about hearing she chose us and asked some questions, invited her to ask us questions and especially let her know that ALL of our family, friends and strangers are praying not only for michael and i to be able to be parents but that they pray for her and her son. i felt the spirit confirming that to me as i typed the letter and i hope/pray she will feel that when she reads it and meets us soon. I do not know when we will but sometime before her due date of Oct. 25th if all goes well. We are feeling very upbeat now about it all. we asked christopher about what would happen if charmaine came back around and he said although against policy to place twice in one year with family services, it's possible for an ammendment in this circumstance. we are grateful and have peace about that cause it feels bad to us that we can just 'move on' from a very real child to us. we have been grieving the thought of losing her (as any potential parent morns a child) so we appreciate those of you that are respectful and understanding to that. with that said, we really are happy and living day to day. we don't want to 'prepare' like we did for the first one but are now ready for what we need to do at the last minute. I'm greatful that Courtney is due with some notice so have something to look forward to rather than wondering each day if i'm going to get a call. i'm much more at peace at the moment. ok, i've got to go. hope you enjoyed the update.

our friend matthew...

Tried to send this yesterday... Matthew is our sunday entertainment. He usually sits in a pew in front of us at church and does an 'I'm watching you' move every sunday. I tried to get him to recreate it on demand. This is what I got (post above). I think he's 4 or 5. Roxann, can you clarify? He's so Hilarious! He just cracks us up every week. Here's one more "Matthewism" as told to me by his mom. At church, our childrens group "Primary" has a choister named Heather. Well her paid job is working at McDonalds while she is a student at MTSU (sorry heather for all the info, I'll let everyone know you're are single and attach your cell by the end of this post. lol). Well Matthew's family was going through the drive thru and after seeing her there and realizing who she was, he said something like, "Man, she gets to work at McDonalds AND in Primary?!" He was very impressed. Not everyone would love either job she has and this sweet child thought she was the coolest! (and she is... and single... and her number is... 555.5555. ha ha ha ha! xoxo

About "Fasting"

I've had a lot of questions about fasting and I'm impressed you are so curious. Here is the www.lds.org definition for Fasting:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=bbd508f54922d010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&index=6&sourceId=586a2f2324d98010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____

Wikipedia definition for Fasting (you can skip down to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fasting

If I find more to share with you, I'll edit this post and add it later.

You Will NOT believe this!

As I sat on my couch today (day off), feeling sorry for myself, willing my body to un-glue from my seat so i can put the baby stuff away... i found myself so bored and unpurposful that I was getting depressed. Every time the phone rings, I think it's going to be the caseworker to tell me he's got hold of Charmaine. Then, my cellphone rang! It WAS Christopher, my caseworker. I paused the T.V., held my breath and literally said a prayer (about what i don't know). First he made small talk about knowing I was upset with him about the email and that he was very sorry. I thanked him for understanding and hearing what we had to say. After that discussion he said "Are you ready for this?" off guard, I said, "?uhh, depends on what i need to be ready for"? (obviously hoping he'd say they got hold of "C"... He told me a new birth mother choose us! She is a 17yr old girl, in the Dekalb County Jail (i assume Georgia. Christopher forgot to get her name and will get it later for us) but doesn't know her offense. She is having a BOY, due on October 25th. She and the birth father are Caucasian. When she returned her 'health history' she admits she smoked at the beginning of her pregnancy but otherwise has had a healthy pregnancy. We were then told the following; she first contacted the agency about 1 month ago, She has reddish brown hair in a trendy/crazy style (Hannah thought i'd appreciate that), short in the back, long in the front with big bangs. She's 5ft 2in, average build. He mentioned she may need some 'pass through expenses' (help with rent/food etc) when she gets out of jail in the next few weeks to a month, till the baby is born. (money's we would agree to pay above and beyond the adoption costs, could be up to $1000.00? Currently we have not been interested in this as it's more common to be taken advantage of). She is not LDS (from our church) but he said she has prayed about this decision. Christopher told us, the reason she said she picked us is that she loves animals and thought our pets "are rockin' awesome" (you can even tell in pictures!!! lol) and she said that we looked like the family she never had but always wanted. (that is very nice)
Obviously this is great that we were contacted about this. I am trying to understand if this is what Heavenly Father intends for us as I am still heartbroken for this little girl. We are praying, please respect that it is hard for us to turn off the recent experience to consider a new one. We do have a request. Will you please join us this Sunday in a special fast for this situation. We don't want to be hurt and hope fasting will guide us. We will be fasting for 2 consecutive meals and praying whether this little boy is meant for our home and for Heavenly Father to allow us to open our hearts to him as it heals from our recent adoption possibility. We appreciate whatever faith and prayer you can send our way, if you are unable to actually fast, I know Heavenly Father hears our sincere prayers and efforts. Your contribution will be felt either way. Thank you. Love You!
Michael and Lila and our rockin' awesome pets: Smokey, Samantha & Oliver

Preparing to move on....

So, Michael and I have been really... confused for the past few days. I've had tears and anger, peace and love. I can only speak for myself on this but I was letting myself be more hurt by the email sent then in the information in it. I also have to fight myself to not blame or condemn our caseworker. From the beginning of our relationship (1 year) with him, we've had trouble with our communication. We didn't' hear from him for a few months when he first took over for the last Agency Director and emails would take TWO weeks to be answered without so much as an "I'm out of the office, contact 555.5555 for assistance". Honestly, I have to come to the conclusion that it is Satan keeping us from working with him cause he doesn't want us to get our child this way. Only Satan can give me these feelings and I pray everyday for them to leave my mind cause it gets me nowhere. It's difficult cause Christopher doesn't know the emotional toll it takes on us (though he should learn). At the beginning, it was scary cause we thought we were going to have a baby in 24/48hours. Then within a week, we found out it'd be longer so we tried not to get attached in case she changed her mind. Next we almost lost her when we didn't hear from the birth mother, then got a very positive reconnection when she miraculously answered the phone! At that time we decided to throw ourselves into it. I bought some clothes for her to sleep in and 2 outfits that weren't pajamas, some bottles to get me started... Over time, we decided to let our friends plan a HUGE 'shower/open house' for when we would for sure be back and I registered. It took a lot to let ourselves do it and it wasn't as exciting cause it's clouded under IF's and MAYBE's of when and if the baby is ours even. I had to register alone and was overwhelmed by the process (wish I felt like I could ask a friend but didn't think I could handle their excitement over something i know is a maybe). Everyday, I'd be like, "we could have a baby next week" or "Friday, our baby could be born". We thought of names but wouldn't/couldn't tell them cause we didn't want a name we love to be floating out there if it didn't work out (always cautious in adoption). When I read the email from Christopher on Friday, i was crushed! I was sooo mad immediately that I could hardly concentrate on the fact that it could be real that "C" had changed her mind etc. Michael, the logical half of our marriage, calmed me down and talked me into waiting to reem Christopher till Tuesday after the holiday weekend. I assigned him the task as he was able to put aside his emotion.
Today Michael talked to him. He expressed that it would have been better if he would have called with that information and Christopher understood. He is a very nice man, don't get us wrong, but it think it must be difficult for him to put himself in our place. I'm sure he must think we are high maintenance with our lectures (the 2nd time we've had to communicate to him our 'challenges') but we supported each others desire that he know how we felt. I'm glad that is over.
Last night I was feeling better, upbeat almost but still hopeful about the baby despite everything working against it happening. I had an honest and sincere conversation with Heavenly Father that if she is not meant to come to our home, to please take the feeling away from me. I had a great nights sleep for once and woke up peaceful and happy. To me that doesn't mean she isn't ours and it also doesn't mean she is, just that I feel satisfied that what will be, will be and it's ok for me to move on. I wasn't going to give myself permission for that since this all felt like a repeat of the depression after YEARS of failed fertility treatments. But I don't want to give up. I just want to have our children and I'm not going to get them by lying down so I'm moving forward, without forgetting about this little girl. I'm not getting her or anyone by being negative so I'm working hard to stay on the positive. We are also praying that, this baby will be smart and strong and make a difference in her families life, wherever that may be. We hope her mother is safe too as for all we know, she could feel threatened or unsafe and that is why she has yet again, dropped out of site.
Please forgive me for being negative about the email. It doesn't make me feel good to feel that way even though it is obviously insensitive. I'm forgiving him and myself and I hope those of you reading this and praying for us will support that. We are humbled every day by this process and this is just a GIANT step in our path to our children. Thank you for your patience today, we are praying every night for all of you to get the blessings you need as you pray for us. You are our blessing right now. Love you!