Happy New Year!

A new trend in American universities

You go, Danny

Sc--bag bothers Danny Bonaduce, comes out second.

Courtesy of mystic chords.

Be the first kid on the block to have one--

the Iraq casualty counter.

It will go nicely with your Islamic rage boy t-shirt.

The angel of death made a mistake

He came for the wrong ex-president.

Libraries and ESL

An article in City Journal presents a vibrant picture of the Queens Library:

The Queens Library is that rare New York phenomenon: a government-funded social-uplift program that works. It succeeds by doing what it has done for over a century: giving New Yorkers with ambition (however modest or grand it may be) the tools they need for self-improvement.

It's an excellent article, with many wise things to say, but what I want to focus on is the need, largely unmet, to teach new immigrants English.

On the wall of my study, I have a certificate given to my grandfather for his proficiency in English. Instruction was given in the Columbus Public Schools, in cooperation with the Department of Labor. In those days, immigrants were required to learn English as a path to citizenship, and publicly funded instruction was provided.

My uncle Max was a little boy when his parents came to the US, and my mother was a toddler. He became a doctor, she a lawyer. What kind of outlook would they have had if they never learned English? If they had lived in some sort of self-imposed ghetto, and been taught in Yiddish? A pretty poor outlook, I believe.

From my experience in the library, people desperately want to learn English. We had a program where we instructed tutors and matched them to students. We could never get enough tutors. Potential students? They came in droves.

They came from Korea, Poland, Russia, Iran, Senegal, the Dominican Republic, and a lot of other places, but they all wanted to learn the language of their new country.

We tried to get grant money to start classes in ESL, but could not raise enough. Nobody gave a hoot. It was not a glamorous cause.

The beauty of ESL classes is that students who speak different languages must converse with other students in English. In some cases, this is the only English they ever hear.

The government funds so much crap, why couldn't they make ESL accessible for anyone who wants it, as they did in 1922, when my grandfather learned it?

I always wanted a title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Baroness Miriam the Crepuscular of New Porton Wells Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

But couldn't we replace the cross?

A new criterion in jury selection

What kind of bumper stickers, do you have? Yes, I said bumper stickers. In New Jersey, where else?

[A] criminal defendant won't want a "Hug a Cop" juror deciding his of her fate and the prosecution sure as hell doesn't want a "Question Authority" juror just itching to screw it to "the man." But what about people who have something like "If You Can Read This, Then You're Too Fucking Close" or "My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student"? Do you want them on your jury?

How I spent my Christmas vacation

We spent a lot of time eating, getting ready to eat, discussing what we would eat next time, eating out, and wishing we had eaten less. As we had a house full of full people, including a five-year-old dynamo, no-one could concentrate on anything more intellectually taxing than re-runs of Meet Me in St Louis, the bespoke Christmas film of the Charm family. And burping.

I did notice, though, that all the adults had had time to scrutinize the latest copy of In Touch Weekly, and were all well informed on which actresses had had boob jobs and which hadn't. The verdict of our panel of experts: Renee Zellweger--probably. Britney Spears, probably not. Nicole Kidman--a provisional yes. We also had read and had opinions on whether Mel Gibson was back on the sauce (We're pretty sure he is).

My younger daughter, mother of the five-year-old, likes doing laundry. She brought some dirty laundry with her but soon was finished with that, and offered to wash the dirty sheets that were on the floor of the laundry room. The next day, she discovered some more laundry had magically accumulated and did that. I was afraid she would go around to all the neighbors offering to do their dirty laundry, but thank God it never came to that. It was a close-run thing, though.

I think everyone was happy with their presents. The five-year-old worked on his first Science Kit with his cousin. Mr Charm got a new watch, and was so pleased that he read the whole manual. He likes watches. I got a gift certificate, which was a good thing, as I like shopping. The Laundry Lady got a cashmere sweatsuit, which I sincerely hope she will send to the cleaners.

However, my camera is broken. It took pictures all right, but when I went to upload them, there was nothing there. Bummer.

Dr Johnson was wrong...

when he said, "Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel."

It used to be true. I am old enough to remember windbag senators and congressmen trying to outdo each other in their pure and disinterested love of the flag, motherhood and apple pie. They were also for the American Way of Life, the Boy Scouts, whiskers on kittens, etc. Everyone knew they were a bunch of humbugs and hypocrites, but what the hell; you might say they were on the side of the angels just the same. None of them maligned our servicemen or said that America (Amerikkka) was corrupt or evil.

I actually miss those guys. Now, the last refuge of scoundrels is the old bait and switch attack on our country, the military, and the commander-in-chief.

A perfect example is John Murtha.

In 2001, Murtha announced the creation of Scialabba's nonprofit agency for the disabled in Johnstown, Pa. The next year, with Scialabba still on his staff, Murtha secured a half-million dollars for the group, the Pennsylvania Association for Individuals With Disabilities (PAID), and put another $150,000 in the pipeline for 2003, according to appropriations committee records and former committee aides. Since then, the group has helped hundreds of disabled people find work.

But the group serves another function as well. PAID has become a gathering point for defense contractors and lobbyists with business before Murtha's defense appropriations subcommittee, and for Pennsylvania businesses and universities that have thrived on federal money obtained by Murtha.

Lobbyists and corporate officials serve as directors on the nonprofit group's board, where they help raise money and find jobs for Johnstown's disabled workers. Some of those lobbyists have served as intermediaries between the defense contractors and businessmen on the board, and Murtha and his aides.

That arrangement over the years has yielded millions of dollars in federal support for the contractors, businesses and universities, and hundreds of thousands in consulting and lobbying fees to Murtha's favored lobbying shops, according to Federal Election Commission records and lobbying disclosure forms. In turn, many of PAID's directors have kept Murtha's campaigns flush with cash.

In order to divert the voters' attention from his dirty dealings, he calls our military forces murderous crazed lunatics.

Unfortunately, the voters drank the kool-aid so obligingly served to them.

According to Texas rainmaker, the story was published in the WaPo on Christmas Day, when the electorate were busy emptying their Christmas stockings.

An alternative suggestion for Time's Person of the Year

from Doctor Anonymous.

My person of the year is not actually a person. In addition, there is not even an agreed upon name of this "person." ....[H]ere are the many names that have been used for my "person": Bug, Bacteria, Virus, Germ, Infection....

Well, you get the idea. In 2006, the population of the world has gotten to know more about microscopic organisms than ever before.

From the comments, by supersteno girl, this bit of snark:

Anonymous - don't rag on bacteria. It's the only culture some people have. :(

Plastic surgery for Christmas?

Doctor anonymous speculates:
I was talking with one of my co-workers here at the office. She ... saw on television the idea of plastic surgery, er, cosmetic surgery, gift cards.
From USA today:

"

It's not perfume, a piece of jewelry or a spa treatment. Giving cosmetic surgery as a gift trivializes a serious medical procedure," says David Sarwer, an associate professor of psychology at the Center for Human Appearance at University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine in Philadelphia.

"The giver may have good intentions, but it could place undo pressure on the person on the receiving end," Sarwer says.

The gift giver may also offend the recipient, says Zachary Gerut, a Long Island plastic surgeon and assistant clinical professor at Albert Einstein Medical Center in New York. He says it's not uncommon for a husband to bestow the gift of a breast implant upon his wife this time of year. "Why don't you just insult the poor lady and be done with it? It's like telling someone they have bad breath," he says.

Maybe not.

Looking for last minute gifts?

for people you don't know very well, or even for those you do know?

How about handkerchiefs, a mug that says "World's Best __________," a smartass t-shirt?

The local drugstore has a selection of gifts for the clueless: among them, an anti-cellulite kit, a microdermabrasion kit, or Jennifer Lopez's new perfume, "Tacky."

Husbands, beware: do not give your wife an anti-cellulite kit! Or a months' free membership in Jenny Craig. Or a toaster, iron, or blender, even if she swears that's what she wants. A more tactful choice: buy some lacy things at Victoria's Secret, even though you know she can't wear them.

You'll be glad you did.

Is nothing sacred?

Betty and Veronica get an update.

At last, a religious car

It's an Episcopalian!

The Kaplan sisters--the finale

Well, the curtain has rung down on the girls, who were last seen talking loudly and wearing their hats at family functions.

Rose died a few years ago, but Ellen and Shirley were still going strong. Last Thursday, they played bridge with "the girls." Women were called girls to this demographic, whether they were 19 or 90. On Friday, Ellen's assistant was taking them somewhere, probably to play cards again, and ran her car off the road, killing both of them. Shirley had just celebrated her 97th birthday, and Ellen was almost 95. Lives tragically cut short!

I'm not kidding--those girls had lots of mileage left on them. They played cards like Las Vegas cardsharps, and had opinions on everything, loudly and confidently asserted, often but not exclusively concerning the activities of the younger generation.

It's the end of an era for their nieces and nephews, who will never see their like again.

Well, they had a nice time Thursday. And neither had the sad task of burying the other.

I'm reaching the end of my stardom

What military aircraft are you? F-15 Eagle You are an F-15. Your record in combat is spotless; you've never been defeated. You possess good looks, but are not flashy about it. You prefer to let your reputation do the talking. You are fast, agile, and loud, but reaching the end of your stardom.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

But I'm cute.

Circumcision is good for you

From the economist:

...[T]he results of two trials, announced on Wednesday December 13th, conducted in Uganda and Kenya under the auspices of America’s National Institutes of Health (NIH), unequivocally show that circumcision can protect men from infection with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. The circumcised are half as likely to catch the virus as the uncircumcised. The result is so strong that the NIH has stopped both trials: ethical considerations require that circumcision be offered immediately to the uncircumcised control groups of men in both, should they want it.

Maybe we Jews are onto something.

A lucrative job

running for president:

EVERYONE who laughed when the elfin Dennis Kucinich threw his hat in the ring to run for president in 2004 should realize why he smiles.

He had 2,955,963 reasons to smile. That is how many bucks federal taxpayers gave his ridiculous campaign for president....

[U]nder the bizarre federal election rules, taxpayers had to give this fool $2,955,963 just to humor his vanity.

Ralph Nader took $798,827 from taxpayers in 2004 to indulge his fantasy of being elected president. ...
Lyndon LaRouche is another likely candidate. Last time, he squeezed $1,456,019 from taxpayers.

In 2000, Pat Buchanan hit the jackpot, drawing $16,635,624 in federal matching funds. He drew just 0.4 percent of the popular vote.

Another example of your tax dollars at work.

Happy Chanukah!