Tales of a locksmith

I finally got a locksmith to come to my house--and what a locksmith!  One of nature's  noblemen, when he arrived he informed me that my outside tap needed to be shut down.  He then shut it down, coiled up the hose, and deposited it in the basement.  Then he shut off the inside faucet or whatever you call the doohinky that if it freezes your pipes would burst.  This was before he had done any locksmithing at all.

I have zero sales resistance, so he managed to sell me five (5) locksets  for all my exterior doors.   They cost a lot.

He went out to his truck to get his invoices and business cards.  Meanwhile, I cut my finger trying to cut some limes in half.  I managed to drip a fair number of drops of blood on the floor in the kitchen and bathroom before the locksmith put a BandAid on my finger.

Wait--there's more, as the television pitchmen  say.  I had heated some chicken morsels in the oven and managed to eat one while he was out in the truck and nearly choked to death.   This invaluable tradesman pounded me on the back until I had disgorged the remnants of chicken, thus saving my life.

Then he took some wipes and wiped up the droplets of blood from the floor.  Did a good job, too.  Now that's what I call locksmithing!

Plum job

When I was young, I would apply for any job that didn't require math, and quite a few that did.  Editor, garment model, newsreader, office manager, I figured out I could learn the required skills in two weeks.  (Except math.)  Besides, they sounded interesting.  Who wouldn't want a job as a fitting model in the garment industry?  Or the Napoleon of a large law office, striking fear into the hearts of all the underlings and lunching with  rich lawyers?  All the jobs sounded interesting to a 20 year old with no paarticular aim in life.  Amazingly, I had multiple interviews.

Being a shy person, it was agony for me at first to go through these interviews.  But I had so many of them that I became inured to the process, and my attitude was "bring it on!" although people didn't say that in those days.  I got quite adept at presenting myself and modestly mentioning my many accomplishments, which mostly consisted of having a BA in English literature at the time.

But at last I have seen an ad for the job of my dreams: wardrobe, makeup and costume construction  for a theatrical company.   I'd be perfect for the job. As it happens, I can sew.  I made all my daughters' dresses when they were little.  A short visit to Sephora or Ulta would bring me up to date on makeup.  Unfortunately, it's in San Francisco, and the rents there are too high.  I'll just have to remain satisfied with unassuming, humble Delaware.

A new game

Invented in Spain,this game could easily be adapted to other settings.  Like:  New Jersey. Maryland, Illinois, and California.  Only the faces would need to be changed.

My post about stealing soap from hotel rooms apparently struck a chord deep in the American soul.  It was my biggest hit!

Alma the It Girl

I am taking a course on Mahler, mostly his music, but two sessions are given to the notorious beauty Queen of Vienna.  It is impossible for us in the 21st century to understand her charisma.  Her photographs show her as a pretty girl, all right, although in her later years she looked more like Brunhilde.  I think Tom Lehrer said it best.

Remember, remember

Remember, remember!
    The fifth of November,
    The Gunpowder treason and plot;
    I know of no reason
    Why the Gunpowder treason
    Should ever be forgot!
    Guy Fawkes and his companions
    Did the scheme contrive,
    To blow the King and Parliament
    All up alive.

The first I  ever heard of Guy Fawkes Day was in the book, Mary Poppins, by P L Travers.  It sounded both scary and exciting.  I loved reading about children in another country with exotic habits, like eating scones. .  I hope it still is celebrated in the Mother Country.

How tough it is to be President!

A president's life is really tough--all those pesky voters!  According to the New York Times

The main impact of the midterm election in the modern era has been to weaken the president, the only government official (other than the powerless vice president) elected by the entire nation.

However, he does have the White House cook and rides around in Air Force One.

The trouble with in-laws

Bubbe, my grandmother, did not approve of the women her sons married; she did not consider them good  enough for her family. Clearly, nobody could be.   But her daughter's husband, my father, was her special nemesis.

He had a lot of charm, but it was lost on her.  They loathed each other from the getgo.  When he tried to mollify her, she was not playing, and their mutual hatred grew worse.

Mother always felt that you could please two people at once, even if they wanted completely opposed actions on her part.  This worked about as well as you would imagine it would, which is not at all.

After my grandfather died, it was generally agreed that someone would have to move in with bubbe.  The whole family felt that it should be my mother, her only daughter.  So the three of us moved in with her.

The result was a clash of wills, and since bubbe was twice as cunning as my father, she won the long game, thereby destroying our family and depriving her grandchildren of a father.  That was collateral damage, and didn't matter, as dad was obviously a weak character and we were better off without him.  Bubbe was as compassionate as Julius Caesar, who surrounded his enemies and starved them all.

The tradition continues: my nephew just got married, and his sisters hate his new wife and think she's not good enough for him.  Fortunately the young couple are moving out of the country, so perhaps their marriage has a chance.

Royalties!

I made 70 cents from my Amazon Kindle book.  I make more than that from my first book, published in 2002.

This is the front cover of "Nothing Much," a Kindle book.

We heard this tonight, but by Pyxis Quartet

Dynamite!

Me and Rasputin

About a year ago I fell right on my nose in the lobby of the Kimmel Center.  It hurt like hell, but. aside from two black eyes, I was essentially unharmed.  I looked grotesque, though.

Last Thursday, a dog knocked me down a (short) flight of stairs.  The sound of my head hitting the step was horrific.  Again, no damage, unless there are bruises  under my hair.

My father lived to be 99, and it took a dedicated team of doctors, at a renowned medical center, to kill him.

I am starting to feel like Rasputin; who I understand survived several attempts to kill him.  And that's all I know about Russian history, and probably all I ever will know.  

Nat Hentoff on Free Speech

First world problems

My broom has no home.  When I want to use it I take if from wherever it is standing, usually in the way, and after using it I leave it somewhere, usually in the way.  The somebody knocks it over.

Does anyone else have broom problems?  I never notice other people's brooms standing around waiting for someone to knock them over.  Other people have control of their brooms.

I have lost my last house key.  I never use them, because I come and go through the garage, but I think one should have a house key.  So I have to start thinking about a locksmith.

I let my husband's subscription to a magazine come to a close.  Then I ordered a new subscription  for myself.  Now I either have two subscriptions or none.  This requires action, but the thought of straightening it out makes me want to take a nap.

These are first world problems, right?  St Teresa said, in a quote that's too good to check, that life was a night spent in an uncomfortable inn.  Try to imagine a 16th century Spanish inn, where you had to share your bed with other travelers, some of whom probably smelled bad.  Now call a locksmith.

Happy Halloween

I hope it's not politically incorrect to call it that, instead of Autumn solstice or something;

Oil glut

My father and my brother the genius were so alike it scared me.  The first word ever applied to either one is "brilliant."  Both of them spent enormous amounts of effort on some cause.  My father spent four years trying to invent a sewing machine which would sew the toe of pantyhose invisibly.  He turned my brother's bedroom into a machine shop, surprising my brother when he came home from college  and had to sleep on a sofabed in the living room.  Dad had scores of patents on this machine, which proved difficult to design.  He became the world expert on pantyhose and was about to cash in worldwide when all the women of all  nations simultaneously decided they hated wearing pantyhose, discarded them, and started wearing trousers or going barelegged..  Even Anna Wintour.  And when you've lost Anna Wintour you've lost everyone who counts.

My brother the genius has a scheme for extracting energy from seawater.  Don't ask.  If he were rich he would devote all his time and resources to the project.  He also has lots of patents.  Needless to say, after the spectacular failure of wind and solar power nobody wants to listen.

When my mother was alive, he was convinced that all the natural gas in the world was going to be used up imminently, maybe within a year or two.  He actually ordered an oil burning furnace for her house.  When the installer came, the cleaning lady warned mother in time and was met with armed resistance and was forcefully ejected.  Thank heaven she caught him before the backhoe was applied to her rose garden.

It didn't take much acumen to consider him mistaken.  Just because someone is brilliant doesn't necessarily make him right.I felt in my gut that sooner or later,  there would be an oil glut and I was right.

Have a happy and healthy New Year

My future posts will all be about...

stealing soap from hotel rooms.  This is what brings people to my site.

It's all about the links!

Happy New Year

Bumper stickers

I strongly feel that any statement whatever is displayed on a bumper sticker or a t-shirt is rendered meaningless and banal by its context.  The medium is the message.

Think of the bumper stickers of the past.  My absolute favorite is "War is harmful to children and other living things,"  followed closely by "War is not the answer."  It depends on what the question is.  If the questions is, what is a three letter word for an armed conflict, war definitely IS the answer.

Also:  "No war for oil."  And "Obama," "Change," and "Hope.'

Being in Ohio

I just returned from Columbus, OH.  This is where I grew up.  I lived there for 16 years and couldn't wait to get out.  I'm sure Columbus is very nice, and I'm not comparing it to a soviet prison camp or anything.  I was adequately housed and fed and taken to the dentist and saw movies there.  I just wanted to go elsewhere.

So I went to visit the few relatives I have there who are still speaking to me.  Not that those who are not speaking to me are mad at me.  They are just indifferent to my existence, and vice versa.  No hard feelings on either side.  We can live without each other.   And do.

Looking for something to while away the hours when I wasn't visiting one cousin or another, I went to the stand in my motel which housed pamphlets about interesting sites to visit.  Mostly they were ads for outlet shopping centers.  A couple were for extremely boring historic sites, none of which were conveniently located.

I strongly felt the lack of all my aunts and uncles, my mother and grandmother.  I visited them in the cemetery, but couldn't get much out of them.  Communication was lacking.