Some Thoughts For Online Wine Merchants - The Good, The Bad

Every so often I write about wine. Today is a good day to write about wine, because there's only one other thing to think about, one thing on the minds of all Americans, and I need a break from thinking about that for a few moments, even though I know there are over two-dozen families and a community in Connecticut that don't get the luxury of being able to take a break. 

I'm not in the wine business, I don't sell or market wine or have a business interest in a vineyard. I'm what's called "the consumer."

And I know, I'm not the average consumer. For the most part, wine merchants and wine marketers target those that get excited about things that make me laugh. As a sommelier myself and avid collector, I lament the person walking the aisles of the local wine shop just looking at price, label, and how many points, or the person who sends me an email about a wine and says it "looks good" because it's cheap and highly rated. 

I predict based on my unscientific observations that the best selling wine is "under $10 and 'smooth.'"

I want to talk to you - wine industry. I want to tell you some things about consumers like me.  Some good, some bad.

Do what you want with this. My prediction is that you will do nothing because things are good and I'm an outlier.

But here goes:

THE BAD

1. I don't care that the wine is made by "the famed winemaker from _________________." 

The grapes aren't the same. Wine starts with good grapes. I know that, and I know you know I know that, so stop emailing me that the wine is being made by the guy that made a good wine somewhere else. I don't care. Put it in a footnote, casually mention it, but stop using it as a headline.

2. Lot 18, stop emailing me whether I'm "sure I want to skip the (wine)?" It's stalky. If I want to buy it, I will. If you continue to stalk me, I won't, ever.

3. Please check cellartracker.com before telling me that Suckling gave it 96 points or that some unknown critic gave it 93 points. 

You all know that cellartracker.com is used by people like me to see how a group of different people liked the wine. When you say it's 96 points and 17 people who know wine say it's an average of 87.7, you're done. 

Would it kill you to note what cellartracker says, like CinderellaWine.com does?

4. Wines 'til Sold Out, I have no idea what the "WTSO Member Average" is. Sounds fishy.

5. Invino, your shipping costs are terrible.

6. Wine.com, you need to do more for your Steward Ship people. 

Do you not see we buy more wine based on the yearly fee we pay for free shipping? Do you think we need more weekly emails telling us free shipping folks that you're running a special "one cent shipping" deal?

7. All of you, stop discounting wine to the price for which it normally sells. 

Only idiots don't know that Caymus is about $60. When you sell it for $79 and discount it, you're being disingenuous.

8. Wine Cellarage, you get dumbest move of the year. 

You promoted free shipping to people within three surrounding states to those who bought $500 of wine? Everyone else gets nothing? Unsubscribe, goodbye.

9. Get your inventory together. 

Whatever it costs you, tell me immediately that you don't have the wine, or don't have a case. Don't call me three days later and give me the bad news. Additionally, and I'm talking to you Wine Exchange, another place I'm done with, don't promote a wine you don't have from a distributor you don't know, because when you don't get it and you have more excuses than answers, you lose a customer.

10. Winery notes are meaningless. 

Tell me what you think of the wine as a merchant. Tell me a story about the wine, how you got it, why I should buy it. I'm not buying it because it you tell me what the winery says about how the grapes were planted or the weather. Be more like Dan Posner or Jon Rimmerman (if anyone can write as much as Jon or Nicki).

11. Stop sending me a box of wine.

I will never understand why I receive boxes of wine with nothing but packing and bottles. Wineries are usually exempt from this stupidity as they will include tasting notes, and Wine.com goes as far as including a coupon for a future purchase.

But I do not understand why the rest of you include nothing? Would a handwritten note of "thanks" kill you? One time I got a note saying I looked you up and see you're a lawyer, my wife's a lawyer too." Silly little note, but it said something about the merchant. If I bought a Napa Cab don't you want to tell me that if I like it, you have another one that I may like as well? Do you not have a corkscrew with your company name on it, a hat, something? Sending boxes of wine with nothing in them is like saying "here." Silly customer retention policy. You're not the only wine retailer - you know that, right?

THE GOOD

1. Invino.com, as much as your shipping costs piss me off, I like you telling me that a wine I previously purchased is back in stock. Good move.

2. Wine.com, I noticed that very, very, very, late in the year you started offering specials to Steward Ship members - like an extra day of discounts. Nice gesture.

3. Totalwine.com, good program of buying and picking up wine at any store, but you need to promote it more as a gift idea.  It's a great gift to tell someone to go by their local Total Wine because there's a gift waiting for them. It gets someone in the store that may not have visited and gives the gift giver a way of getting a bottle of wine in the hands of someone on the same day.

4. Cellartracker.com, I love the new site design.

Love to hear any thoughts you have on the state of wine merchants.  Maybe I missed some good, or bad things, and maybe I need to know about some others out there that take care of their customers.

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and aren't a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

Where are the Marketers And Tech Hacks On Instagram Leaving Twitter, For Lawyers

As any lawyer who spends any time on the internet knows, there is nothing that happens for which some lawyer marketer or tech hack misses the opportunity to write about how it will affect lawyers. All new electronic devices, all new social networks, and generally anything new that garners attention of more than 35 people, comes with the drumbeat of those hopeful for a few lawyer bucks, that it will have an effect on lawyers. It just will. Just watch. Keep watching.

Don't believe me?

iPad for Lawyers

iPhone for Lawyers

Android for Lawyers

Blackberry for Lawyers

Facebook for Lawyers

twitter for Lawyers

LinkedIn for Lawyers

How Lawyers Can Use Halloween To Get New Business

How Lawyers Would Botch the Zombie Apocalypse

See, there's nothing that can't be related to lawyers.

So over the last couple days I wondered why there was no sounding of the lawyer marketing/tech hack alarm that twitter is no longer allowing Instagram pictures to automatically post.

I know, I know, you're thinking, "what's Instagram?" Well, if that's your question, you are probably not really a lawyer, or even doing anything that doesn't involve making collect calls from a correctional facility. Instagram is very important. It's important because many people use it and say it's important.

Instagram is a program to take and post pictures on the internet. You can also share them and have people share their pictures. You can also follow people and people can follow you. If you are a lawyer, you want people sharing and following. Share, and follow. Just do it.

If you are not taking and posting pictures on the internet, you seriously need help, especially if you're a lawyer. Because Instagram is a social networking site and lawyers who do not participate in social networking sites are missing out. Just trust the marketers on this. If they weren't right, they wouldn't have shut down their law practice to spend their days convincing you that they are right.

Anyway, before today, or yesterday, or whenever, you could take a picture with Instagram, put it up on twitter, and the picture would automatically appear on your status update.

That doesn't happen anymore. Now there is a link, but you have to click on it to see the picture.

Here's more of the awful details:

It used to be that when an Instagram user took a photo and then shared it with Twitter, that photo would show up in the Twitter user's tweet on Twitter.com and Twitter's various apps.

Then, last week, Instagram crippled this feature, only allowing Twitter to display cropped photos.
Today, Instagram seems to have turned this feature off.

(Instagram users can still share their photos to Twitter, but now other users have to click a link in a tweet to see the photo.) Some users are whining about the change.

Whining?

How dare they call the emotions over the loss of a critical tech feature (for lawyers) "whining."

I know, as lawyers, you're thinking "what will happen to all my clients and my practice?" I'm scared too. What effect will twitter's dis of Instagram have on lawyers, and how we can save our livelihood?

The internet is already raging:

Loren Feldman, who is bald, and not a lawyer (but as everyone else on the internet, keenly interested in everything about lawyers), said this:

Omg no more Instagram photos. Shit just got serious. Man these are crazy confusing times we live in. Why must it be like this? Why?

Chris Taylor (@futureboy on twitter and deputy editor at Mashable) made the relevant point:

Clicked on an Instagram photo in Twitter and had to wait FIVE WHOLE SECONDS while it loaded the page. What is this, the Middle Ages?

I think Chris was being sarcastic, but as you know, sarcasm at a time like this is just bullying.

It's at a time like this when we need a hug, we need to be there for each other. The Atlantic Wire understands this - they have a three-step process entitled:

"How to Get Over the Twitter-Instagram War 

on Photos."

So I ask, where are the marketers and tech hacks when we need them? How will we continue to practice law when we can't directly post pictures from Instagram to twitter?

Help us marketers and tech hacks.

Please.

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and aren't a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand. Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

Meet Marc Romano Of Ignyte, Inc.

Marc Romano of Ignyte, Inc, sent me an email:

Brian,

Regarding your piece on the future of law being a joke, I and several people who read your piece think that the biggest joke in law at least this week appears to be you. You seem pissed off at something. Everything OK at the office?

Frankly, I'm convinced that you don't know what your talking about and if you're so busy defending peoples rights, where do you find the time to write self serving pieces like this with the intention of degrading others who are delivering great value to the profession. You seem to have impressed a grand total of 23 people who hit the "like" button. Not so good.

In the future, you need to back up your claims with facts supported by credible third parties. The word of Brian and Brian alone simply does not cut it with intelligent people. Then again, maybe that's not your audience.

I have limited time here. I have seven law firms that we're rebranding and several holiday parties to attend in the evening by past clients who simply want to thank us for putting them on a positive path. They are all thriving and focused on the future of their firms as opposed to Brian who is desperately defending the past.

By the way, starting your day at 9:15 is a bit 20th century and not indicative of a very busy schedule. We start our days at 7. We're pretty jammed up.

Kind regards,

Marc Romano
President
ignyte Inc.
Get ahead. Stay ahead.

marc@ignyte.ms / www.ignyte.ms / mobile: 1 + 585 469 2132 / www.linkedin.com/in/ignyte

Here's more about Marc:

Judgment against Ignyte, Inc.


Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and aren't a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

Got 5 Bucks? I Got A Lawyer For You

Fiverr is a Groupon-type site that offers "The world's largest marketplace for small services, starting at $5."

Some interesting offers I found:

I will professionally write a song or jingle for your website, celebration or event for $5.

I will draw your favorite animated character for $5.

and my personal favorite:

I will put message on my eyelid under my eye or on my lips for $5.

Then there's this:

I will give you expert legal advice on almost ANY subject. Tips for asking questions, be specific and leave out any personally identifiable information. Limit your question to 1 legal issue, ask questions don't tell stories or crimes. Disclaimer; I do not represent clients but I do provide legal advice. The information that is provided is solely for educational and informational purposes, and do not constitute legal advice. While I may on occasion suggest or respond to hypothetical fact situations, your situation may differ in important respects from these scenarios, perhaps in ways that are not apparent, and in some instances my response may be affected by pedagogical, jurisdictional, or other factors that also affect its potential applicability to your situation. Please understand that NO ATTORNEY-CLIENT RELATIONSHIP IS FORMED BY COMMUNICATIONS WITH ME, AND PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME CONFIDENTIAL OR PRIVILEGED INFORMATION.

So to review:

For $5 (from I have no idea who), you get:

1. Expert legal advice.

2. Apparently from a lawyer who "does not represent clients" but does " provide legal advice." (insert laugh from all 50 state bar associations.)

3. This expert legal advice is solely for educational and informational purposes but DOES NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE EVEN THOUGH IT IS EXPERT LEGAL ADVICE.

4.  This expert legal advice, solely for educational and informational purposes that DOES NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE EVEN THOUGH IT IS EXPERT LEGAL ADVICE may be "on occasion"  nothing more than to "suggest or respond to hypothetical fact situations."

5. In some instances the response, which is expert legal advice solely for educational and informational purposes but DOES NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE EVEN THOUGH IT IS EXPERT LEGAL ADVICE "may be affected by pedagogical, jurisdictional, or other factors that also affect its potential applicability to your situation."

6. And finally, Please understand that NO ATTORNEY-CLIENT RELATIONSHIP IS FORMED BY COMMUNICATIONS WITH ME, AND PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME CONFIDENTIAL OR PRIVILEGED INFORMATION when you are seeking expert legal advice solely for educational and informational purposes that DOES NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE EVEN THOUGH IT IS EXPERT LEGAL ADVICE.

I don't know who this lawyer is, but he should be disbarred. Not for offering this to the public, but for the harm he has caused to the public by writing the above.

And I apologize to all the young lawyers who believe I'm just trying to stifle creativity in a world of desperate unemployed law school grads, but my advice is that if you have $5, get one of these:

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and aren't a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

The Inspired Solo, Disbarred.

For those new around here, or new to the wonderful world of lawyers selling their marketing skills on the internet, I'm what's known as a bully, asshole, dinosaur, buzz kill, cog in the wheel of attempts to peddle garbage, guy who exposes the sewer that is the world of lawyer marketing on the internet.

In order for any of this to make sense, some history is important.

When I first started talking with people on twitter, one night I received what is called a "direct message." That's a private message between two people. The message asked if I knew the person I was publicly talking with was disbarred? Disbarred? No, of course not. In fact, the person's bio said that he left the practice of law because he was so interested in teaching lawyers how to blog. Why would anyone blatantly lie about why they left the practice - why not just say "I no longer practice?"

After reading the disbarment order, I wondered why any lawyer would hire someone with this background to teach them how to do anything practice-related.. 

So I wrote about it. 

Yeah, I know, defamation. I get threatened weekly, always by people that have never read the law of defamation. You have to have two things, a reputation, and damages. Usually both are a problem for these folks. Oh, and I what I say has to be false as well, that's always the problem for them. They don't like the truth, but it is, the truth.

It was then I realized that lawyers don't ask questions to anyone that claims to be able to make them money. Apparently, no one knew about this, or those who knew weren't willing to say anything. He was on his way to being a faculty member of Solo Practice University and then apparently the CEO who like Taylor Swift said she never ever ever ever knew about it, got the news....and well, that was that.

I confirmed this with a lawyer-marketer I know. Lawyers don't ask the hard questions like "why don't you practice anymore?" Or: "How many clients have you brought in to your law practice with social media?"

And then I found more of them - people who were a little free with their bios. Some I found, others found me through other lawyers passing it along - too afraid to mention it themselves. Some reaction was fascinating - lawyers telling me they didn't need me to write about the scum of the profession as they needed no protection. You know, like the protection lawyers don't need from Nigerian e-mail scams? (most victims are lawyers.)

Once I found a lawyer still trolling for business on the internet, even though she was facing charges of mortgage fraud (to which she pled guilty) and was disbarred. When I asked her why she was doing that she asked me if I would leave my partner hanging if that happened to me? You know, her law partner needed to make some money (and why did I have to ruin everything?) She now calls herself a "real estate law...rockstar," and uses only a part of her name, as the complete name brings up things that maybe her new friends in her new world don't know.

The internet is omnipresent, but a great place to hide.

Well when that issue came up of the lawyer facing mortgage fraud charges, The Inspired Solo chimed in, Sheryl Sisk Schelin. Her blog is gone now, as is her law license. 

We'll get back to that in a minute - the law license part.

Sheryl called me a bully. I of course had never heard of her, so I did a quick Google search and discovered her law license was suspended in what's called an "interim suspension." The order says it's for failure to complete CLE requirements.

Sheryl said she had a health issue. Maybe that's why she didn't complete her CLE.

But then Sheryl was disbarred.

Matter I

Respondent was retained by ten clients to file bankruptcy actions on their behalf.  Respondent accepted payments from the clients, including, in many cases, court filing fees, in excess of $15,000, but failed to perform any meaningful work on the cases or to diligently represent the clients and pursue their actions.  Indeed, respondent never actually filed a bankruptcy action on behalf of any of the clients.  Respondent failed to respond to telephone calls and emails from clients and failed to keep them reasonably informed of the status of their cases.  Respondent also failed to refund to the clients that portion of the fees and costs that was not yet earned or incurred because respondent had converted the funds for her personal use.  Finally, respondent failed to return the clients' documents and other materials in their files.

Matter II

A client endorsed and returned to respondent a settlement check in the amount of $2,000.  Respondent cashed the check but failed to disburse any proceeds to the client.  Respondent also failed to communicate with the client about the status of the settlement proceeds or about the client's pending case.

Matter III

On July 10, 2008, respondent was retained to represent a client in a civil action.  Respondent agreed to represent the client on a contingency basis in addition to a $1,000 fee.  The client also paid respondent $350 for filing fees.  Respondent failed to keep the client informed regarding the status of her case and failed to respond to the client's emails, faxes, text messages or telephone calls.  Respondent informed the client that an additional $1,200 to $1,500 may be required for personal service.  The client requested a written explanation of the additional fees.  However, respondent failed to send the client a letter of explanation regarding the additional fees.  Respondent failed to refund the client that portion of her fees and costs that was not yet earned or incurred because respondent had converted the funds for her personal use.  Respondent failed to diligently represent the client in the civil action.

Matter IV

Respondent was paid $500 by a client to represent the client in a wrongful termination action.  Thereafter, respondent informed the client that due to the loss of respondent's electronically-stored information, respondent may have miscalculated the filing date for one of the client's statutory claims.  Respondent also informed the client that due to the miscalculation error, respondent would represent the client free of charge and pay all costs of litigation.  However, respondent failed to file any actions on respondent's behalf regarding the wrongful termination claim.  She also failed to refund the $500 retainer fee, as she had agreed to do.  Respondent failed to diligently represent the client in the action and failed to perform any meaningful work on the case.  Respondent also failed to timely respond to the client's telephone calls and faxes and failed to keep the client reasonably informed of the status of the case.

Failure to Respond

Respondent was served with notices of full investigation in each of these matters, but failed to respond or otherwise communicate with ODC in response to the notices.

Did you buy her "Twitter for Lawyers" book? Did you buy her advice, her consulting services? Did you want to be an "Inspired Solo?" Did you look all wide-eyed like you do when you watch those people on infomercials sitting on beaches in exotic places with the waves crashing behind them?

Have you ever asked that former lawyer turned social media marketing expert about their law practice - about their former law practice? Is the prospect of money that enticing that you just don't want to know the truth about what's behind the great and powerful Oz?

I do hope that Sheryl's health issues are resolved, although it doesn't appear the South Carolina Bar disbarred her for that reason.

I know this because I spent 5 seconds typing in to a keyboard.

And now you know.

Do you care?

Will it affect the way you approach these former lawyers turned "I can make you money" marketers?"

Eh.

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and aren't a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

What A Marketer Hears When They Get Me On The Phone

I don't know how Scott from Yodle got my cell phone number. I really don't care either. I have a cell phone, it has a number, and that number has been provided to a lot of people. Spending time on worrying about how he got it is for those same people whose heads explode whenever they get an unsolicited email.

So I was driving home yesterday from a meeting in Orlando and a Miami phone number popped up. I answer these unknown calls about 50% of the time, and I figured, why not.

Unfortunately, my answers didn't fit Scott's script:

"Hi is this Brian?

"Yes."

This is Scott from Yodlelaw."

(Smirk, and then...)

Silence

"So Brian, have you heard of us?"

"Yes."

"Well then you know we work with lawyers, including criminal defense lawyers.

"Yes."

"I'd like to know whether you are taking on any new clients?"

"No."

"No? Well, is that because you're filled up and can't take on anymore?"

"Yes."

"So you're not interested in more business right now?"

"No."

"Well, that's great, sounds like you're doing very well. Let me ask you so if someone called you for a DUI case you wouldn't take it right now, you'd refer it to another lawyer?"

"Yes."

"Wow, sounds like you are very successful, is there another practice area you're looking to build where you would be interested in more clients?"

"No."

"So the lawyers you refer cases to, can you give me the name of one of those lawyers?"

"No."

"Brian, it sounds like you're on the road, is there a better time to reach you?"

"No."

"Um, OK, well...thank you for your time."

"OK."

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and arent a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.

Finally, A Marketing Company You Should Hire

One of the things I hear from fellow lawyers all the time is that I don't need to write about the people that have no business selling advice to lawyers, because according to them, no one is stupid enough to hire them, except all the firms that do.

Well now here comes a company that is everything lawyers should look for in a marketing company.

I give you... huhcorp.com

Their motto, sorry, tagline: "We do stuff."

Welcome to the world's most dynamic eBusiness marketing, design and consulting agency. We provide distinct clients with groundbreaking business strategies and cutting-edge designs to aggressively and creatively compete in a changing economy.

Our consulting ideas will entice and excite you. Our professional design solutions will give you the confidence to succeed. And our web site will make you think we know what we're doing.

And they have a strategy for those desperate lawyers thinking that there were only a couple of lying pieces of shit out there selling you on the dream:

Our main consulting strategy is to convince clients that we do stuff they can't do themselves, and that we deserve lots of money for it. The best way to do this is to always look good, and always sound like we know something you don't. Because we do.

Are you confused yet? Of course you are. And that's just how we like it. Our marketing professionals are constantly coming up with new ways to make you feel inferior and stupid. Because you are. And we're not. We're new-age, eMoving, marketing consultants.

And while I'm always wondering why my lawyer guru friends don't happen to talk about their vast list of imaginary clients, huhcorp entices you:

Our marketing and consultant clients are numerous and prestigious. Far too numerous and prestigious to name, in fact. You'll just have to take our word on this. There are a lot of them. And they're all really big, successful companies. All of our clients are very powerful and have lots and lots of money. That's why we charge so much for our design and marketing services. Because we can.

Our clients are always satisfied with our service. If you knew who any of them were, you could confirm this for yourself, but, since you don't, you'll just have to take our word on this one too.

This is the real deal people. But don't trust me, call for yourself.

As my critics out there say - I don't need to tell you.

Anonymous comments are welcome as long as they say something relevant and half-way intelligent and arent a vehicle for a coward to attack someone. I trust you understand.

Located in Miami, Florida, Brian Tannebaum practices Bar Admission and Discipline and Criminal Defense. He is the author of I Got A Bar Complaint.