JUXTAPOSITION

It's been a chaotic fall and early winter. I've been working seven days a week as I divide my time between the clinic and my restaurant job to pay the bills. Yesterday was the first weekend day off we've spent at home as a family since the school year started and it was extraordinary and extraordinarily boring at the same time. I normally work at the clinic all day on Saturdays and then at the restaurant all day on Sunday, but somehow got scheduled off just by coincidence. I had begun to forget how fun Sunday morning FaceTime calls with Mom could be, followed by a homemade breakfast, some errands and shopping, then onto a rainy afternoon spent cuddling with the pups on the couch and watching old movies (Harper picked Return to Oz), a nice homemade meal, and some complicated puzzle-doing to finish up the night. Watching life through Harper's eyes is inspiring and thought provoking. Christmastime has always been a mashup of sadness and joy for me and this year seems to be the same. 2019 has been one of the LONGEST and HARDEST years of my entire life. While there have been so many positive memories, there has been a lot of pain too. My Mom's cancer battle continues as she fights for her life after an excruciating surgery five weeks ago. So many of you have reached out to her and I, and I can actually feel the love and prayers that you are pouring out and into us. Watching anyone you love go through something this horrifying takes a toll on your mental health. I wish I could offer some encouragement or insight, but most days I feel pretty hollow right now if I am being honest and forthright with you...and more importantly myself. For so much of my life I've been able to fake it til I make it and carry on as if the weight of everything was not going to get me down. In a world of Instastories and our online social resume broadcasted for everyone to evaluate and weigh-in on, its hard to keep track of what is real and what is not. But for the past three to four months, I am trying (albeit sometimes still failing) to be more aware of what is happening WITHIN me and honor those feelings as they come up. Part of what is sustaining me is my work. I took a HUGE risk and left a high paying career to chase my dream of becoming a therapist. I was never known for taking risks before this, so I think most people were surprised when I just quit and went for it. The most surprised person was probably myself as I had developed this defense mechanism of thriving on meeting or exceeding other peoples expectations. Now I know what you're thinking at this point...yes, but he must have secret money or something that somehow gave him the ability to take the leap and I really don't. Full transparency alert: We completely cashed out my 401K to pay off remaining debt and make a down payment on tuition. Currently there is $87.65 in our checking account. There is no back up plan, no secret money, no savings whatsoever. "But I just saw photos of you in NYC sitting near the stage at Hamilton and y'all travel ALL OF THE TIME and live such an LUXURIOUS life!" -yeah, thank you credit cards for a high enough limit to swipe it and hope to pay it back someday in the future. The moral of the story is WE ALL HAVE SO MUCH CRAP and things are NOT what they always seem. I love pretending, but the truth can often be brutal. But when I am sitting one on one with someone in my therapy room and I can connect with them on the painful or challenging things that are occurring in their lives all of that risk and uncertainty I took is worth it. And I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel electricity pulsating throughout my body. Even typing about it is giving me chills. If I have learned anything from the death via suicide of my father, loss of my sister to cancer, heartache and heart break, troubled family relationships, and now another cancer battle with Mom it's that you have to still search for those pricks of light even when everything seems dark and dismal. I have a tattoo across my chest that says 'faith' in my own handwriting and links to 'love' written over my ribs. When my sister got sick with cancer, the doctor said all you need is FAITH, LOVE, and HOPE so I got a third tattoo of the word 'hope' printed multiple times starting at my sternum and going straight down my stomach all the way to my pubic bone. The words match the scar left after her major surgery, and interestingly my Mom's recent surgery incision is almost identical. This has become a constant reminder to me every time I catch a glance of myself in the mirror that tomorrow is a new day, and after the storm comes a rainbow. As we began wrapping up our family day yesterday, a coworker sent me a text asking to switch shifts so I ended up having a second day in a row to myself: TODAY! I am currently curled up in my bed drinking a sweet cup of coffee with a book right next to me that I've been dying to read and am going to have a self-care day. I have no agenda, no plans whatsoever. And that feels really really good. Bring it on 2020, I am ready for you.