Lady Madonna

After all the boring Oscar fashion, I was actually relieved to see Madonna forgot her pants at the Vanity Fair party.

83rd Oscar Liveblog

Melissa Leo is not only the most annoying actress but also the worst dressed.
6:30 PM
Welcome to my annual Oscar liveblog. I'm gearing up and making dinner while watching the red carpet. I predict that Anne Hathaway will bomb and that Celine Dion will sing. I'm routing for Social Network and Aronofsky. Oh, I am getting a late start because I went crazy at the Loehmann's Italian event where I got into the Oscar spirit by buying a couple of Valentino jackets.
7:23
I'm still in red carpet hell with Guiliana The Panda and Kelly Osbourne. What are their credentials as fashion critics? I lost weight and I didn't get a column in Vogue. All of these girls all look so styled. What happened to personal taste? I prefer to see mistakes than the vision of Rachel Zoe. Oh, shit. It's Celine Dion. Told you'd she would sing.

Thank God for Sharon Stone.

8:26
Getting ready for the telecast. I am wishing the following will win:
Best Picture: Social Network
Actor: James Franco
Actress: Michelle Williams
Director: Aronofsky

Also, I will be taking a bathroom break when Paltrow sings. I can't stand her.

8:30
Anne Hathaway is not funny. When I was working as a stand up, actors would try to be funny. They couldn't. This hosting gig is going to really hurt her career. That opening was unwatchable.

Max is skeptical about this telecast.

8:50
Why didn't they let Kirk Douglas host? Oh, no. Now I have to listen to that egomaniac Leo. I guess paying for your own campaign pays off. That speech will go down as one of the worst in Oscar history.

Kirk Douglas in better days. He, however, is funnier than Hathaway.

9:13
Sorkin will win but let's talk about the Bardem/Brolin sandwich. I actually have met and spoken to both of them and they as nice as they are handsome.

Now, that's a sandwich.

9:24
I want to beat the shit out of Hathaway. This is more painful than a middle school talent show. Franco is on the Pineapple Express tonight.

This is worse than Inception.

9:41
I don't understand this fake tension between Hathaway and Jackman. I mean, what was that bad joke about his being the wolver to her rine? And what was that weird out of place summer camp cabaret number Hathaway performed? This may be the worst Oscars ever. Also, I know this is an unpopular opinion, but Reese Witherspoon looks ridiculous.

Wolfman won for makeup but my bf wasn't nominated this year.

10:19
Franco looks so high I'm not sure he'll make it through the show. Oprah is very fat tonight on my HD TV.

Shout out to my alma mater! Go Tisch! Thank god for God of Love and Luke Matheny's speech and hair.

10:27

What the hell did Billy Crystal do to his face? Dead Oscar hosts are better than the ones alive today.

10:44
Yes, we live in a crazy world where Gwyneth Paltrow can win an Oscar
and sing a nominated song. I'd like to see Randy Newman and Kirk Douglas as hosts next year.

It's karaoke time.

10:56

Told you Celine would sing.


Max thinks this In Memorium is a real yawn.


11:08
James Franco can't keep his eyes open. Natalie Portman is now an Oscar winner.

Michelle, you had my vote.

11:31
Oscars are almost over. Steven Spielberg is looking very Boca tonight. Anne Hathaway should not be allowed to ever host a show again for the rest of her life. James Franco needs a urine test. Melissa Leo needs to disappear for awhile. Arnofksy should shave his stache. Christian Bale needs to shave his beard. Where is Angeline Jolie? And the winner is, The King's Speech. Thank God for PS22 to end on a good note.

The look of regret.

Bite It and Write It

I have been pigging out for a year straight at too many fancy restaraunts and bad take out food. As I start my new role and a new year, I'm back on the trusted Weight Watchers diet which always work WHEN I FOLLOW IT.  But, as I joined online yesterday to "bite it and write it," I was very confused because they changed how the points work. I mean, I was used to 19-23 points per day with 10 bonus points + activity. Now, I have like 35 points a day and 49 weekly and they don't count calories anymore and a glass of wine is now  4 points but what is a glass of vodka? And, I desperate need the online tool to keep track for me but I don't know how to count anything anymore.  So, you had to change the program because morons where choosing a pack of 100 pt. Oreos versus a banana? Actually, I saw people do that. This all better work. If I seem cranky the next few months it is because I'm living off egg whites, pickles and bananas.

Favorite Movies 2010

Since the Oscar nominations come out tomorrow, I wanted to release my list of favorte films of 2010. While many critics deliver their "best" lists, I always prefer to list my favorites as these are based on personal taste, experience of watching the film (a bad date can really ruin a movie) and their emotional impact on me. Timing is also crucial.

1. True Grit-Best line, "Well, that didn't pan out."
2. Black Swan-It's not a great movie but ever since I saw it, when I start going crazy from craving perfection, I now say, "I'm going Black Swan."
3. Somewhere-Chateau Marmont...need a I say more?
4. King's Speech-As my friend Todd always points out, I love any movie about a middle-aged man with a speech impediment (i.e. Sling Blade.) As my sister knows, I love the Queen Mother. Of course, I loved this movie.
5. Toy Story 3-Yes, I cried at the end and missed my old stuffed animals.
6. Another Year-As I get older, I like to see movies about old people.
7. Blue Valentine-I peed during the big nc-17 scence but it was still the saddest movie I saw all year. Is it me, or is Michelle Williams a great actress?
8. Social Network: Why in the hell am I not a billionaire?
9. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work: Joan writes every joke on an index card and files it. Inspirational.
10. Exit Through the Gift Shop: Saw this right after my Spring obsession with Marina Abramovic at MOMA.

Now, get ready for the NOMS!

Team Kim Richards

I have to confess, I actually teared up during the finale of Housewives of Beverly Hills. I hate admitting that I watched it and all season and that I was mesmerized with Camille Grammer's plastic surgery. But, the real star of this reality series was Kim Richards and I'm on Team Kim and and think Kyle is the meanest and most vindictive person I have ever witnessed on reality TV. Kyle holds such unresolved resentment and bitterness toward her sister and her willingness to belittle Kim on national television  was inexcusable no matter what has happened between them throughout the years. I feel disgusted that BRAVO actually aired this (although it was gripping.) The relationships of sisters is complicated and sometimes messy, but despite the fights I have my sister, I would NEVER go into it on an Andy Cohen orchestrated show on BRAVO. After seeing this episode and crying at the severity at the end, I wanted to say I love my sister Ellen and no matter what happens between us, I WILL NEVER GO KYLE RICHARDS ON YOU and I know you will never leave me crying alone in the back of a limo on BRAVO. Love you, sis.

West Village Pool Scandal

As many of you know, I disappear to secret outdoor spaces and beaches during the summer. One of my trusted places of refuge on hot summmer days has always been the pool located above the Printing House. There I hang with former 70 teen idols, Playboy bunnies, old Village ladies and washed up rock stars. I develop a tan starts in mid-May that lasts through the end of September. My hair turns green and I swim laps with a kickboard. Along with my gyno, one of my longest relationships in NYC has been my committment to this space and the people who go there. Over the past couple of months, Equinox purchased the Printing House threatening my private sanctuary. They are stating they will "renovate" the pool, but I fear publicity and dues will rise and my glorious summers with Jimmy, Alice, Denize and even fat Carla will end. Goodbye, old friend. Even if they surround you in bamboo and create more seating, it just won't be the same. I suppose now I'll need to spend more time at the beach.

Things I Hated 2010

Things I Hated 2010
It is that time of the year when I list all the things I hated in 2010.
1. Winter hats shaped like animals.
2. The use of the word "meh" to describe a medicore emotion. I've hated this now for three years in a row.
3. The overuse of the non-word "impactful" in meetings.
4. When Max gets sick with bladder stones.
5. When men don't pick up the check. I realize this is old-fashioned but I love when he does.
6. When my colorist does not listen to me and follow my instructions.
7. Bad disgusting sandwiches at lunch meetings.
8. Community and Parks and Recreation...boring!
9. When Jenny my cleaning woman throws my shit away without asking.
10. The fact I missed a year of blogging due to corporate stress.
11. Members on task forces who do not do tasks.
12. Crying at work.
13. People who think it's OK to voice homophobic comments in front of me.
14. That period between 4-5PM when you need a taxi and you can't get a taxi.
15. When Justin Beiber tries to be cool
16. Willia H. Macy
17. mayo
18. ketchup
19. cheese
20. relish
21. Every fall when I realize moths have ruined 1/2 of my cashmere
22. Young girls who "Tweet" and think they are digital experts. Not true.
23. Sitting on the runway
24. Cold calls
25. 8AM meetings
26. Having my order messed up at a restaurant
27. Having to fire someone
28. Bras that don't fit after being "fitted"
29. Below freezing temps
30. Men who don't follow up.

The Hitler of Rodents

As I was relaxing and reading Hobby Farms last night, I came across an ad for the scariest and most inhumane machine on the planet called "The Rodenator." Ed Meyer is the "Hitler of Rodents." He seeks revenge on gophers, bunnies and voles and gets off by blowing them up with his archaic rodent murdering device. We need to stop this murderer.

Add as Friend: Social Network Review

I was hesitant that the movie of the Social Network wouldn't be as good as the trailer. I was wrong. The script is hilarious, Jesse Eisenberg's portrayal of Zuckerberg is uncanny and even Justin Timberlake is hilarious as Sean Parker. As someone who has built an paying career on user generated and social media content and technology, I am of course a ripe audience member for The Social Network and was going to love it even a little bit even if it was pure crap. At the post screening Q&A which included the cast and writer Aaron Sorkin, I was surprised that all of the cast members admited they don't even have facebook profiles despite all the "research" that went into the film. (I was reminded of the executives I work with that don't have facebook profiles who mandate we work with facebook as a means to itself without having any idea how the site operates.) So, essentially, The Social Network is less about Zuckerberg or the founding of facebook but actually a meditation on how the advancement of digital technology has destroyed the classic entertainment industry and narrative as we knew it. A lot of critics are comparing the film to Citizen Kane but since I saw the film last night, I keep thinking about Robert Altman's Nashville. Just like Nashville used the country music industry as a tool to investigate the politics and culture of the 1970's, the Social Network is essentially a documentation of what we've all been up to over the past decade and how the advancement of "technology" is not socializing us, but actually tools for alienation and capitalization. It's a film about the losers and the winners, the rich and the poor and the drifters and the stars in Silicon Valley. And thank god it's all documented as an actual "motion picture" rather than just a fleeting status update.

I'm in Lust

I like really like this guy in an 8th grade sort of way and I realized that the only way to deal with an unrequited crush is through blogging. I like him so much that I'd do things for him that I wouldn't do for hardly anyone if they asked me. These include:
1. I'd give him some money. I hate giving anyone my money but I'd give him a percentage of my paycheck if he asked.
2. I'd wash his dishes and I don't even wash my own. The same goes for his laundry.
3. I'd be quiet if he asked me to.
4. I'd escort him to a sporting event or play tennis with him. I hate sports and tennis.
5. I'd eat cheese if he made it.

So, you get my point and I'm too much of pussy to express how I feel. I just turned 39 last week and I realized that I've become too private in the past couple of years. Well, screw it. I'm back and I'm blogging and I'm ready for love. I just hope I get to hold on to my cash.

The Secret of My Success

The truth is that I've been working like a dog for the past couple of years and today I realized that the capitalist side of my personality was initially formed by multiple viewings of movies about work. Here's my cinema MBA.
1. Secret of My Success
During the 80's I had a fantasy every guy at my future office would look like Michael J. Fox. I also learned the importance of doing market research from this movie and how not to behave at a corporate retreat.
2. Working Girl
I learned that great ideas can come from tabloids and that MBA's don't use tabloids to generate new ideas and therefore, reading gossip can be a great way to get ahead in business. I also learned that shorter hair makes you look more professional.
3. Swimming with Sharks. This taught me how to deal with a bad boss. I won't reveal my secrets here.
4. 9-5. Align with the ladies to beat the boys.
5. The Devil Wears Prada. I always side with Miranda Priestly in the movie. It's okay to be a decisive powerful and influential woman. Anna Wintour is really my real-life role model.

The Long Island Terracecast

This podcast, we're live on tape from a second floor terrace in beautiful, but kinda noisy, Long Island. And, yo, you gotta problem with dat, we'll come over there and bust your f*&%ing kneecaps.

On a lighter note, the topics include:

• A full on dedication to Rachel's favorite topic - Pussies.

• Todd's knack for seeing all of this summer's worst movies.

• What really gets Rachel all excited?

• How Todd's Mexican Horror Film wardrobe is not gay.

LISTEN TO THE SHOW NOW RIGHT HERE,


OR YOU CAN SUBSCRIBE AND DOWNLOAD THIS AND EVERY EPISODE ON iTunes HERE.

The Birthday Pride Podcast Beware of the Babylon

What better way to celebrate Todd's birthday and gay pride, with a brand spankin' new podcast with the following topics LIVE ON TAPE from Aroma Espresso Bar in SoHo...

• The defining moment that changed Rachel's childhood involving pinball machines.

• Why gay men hate lesbians, no matter what you've heard.

• Deep reflections on growing old in the age of the podcast.

• Rachel's hate/hate relationship with the World Cup.

• The forgotten "hits" of Rick Springfield.

• Foursquare badge unlocking tips.

• How not to become Snookie.


Don't forget you can subscribe to the podcast FOR FREE and download this and over 75 BEWARE OF THE BABYLON episodes through iTunes here.

Lifestyles of the not rich and wish they were famous

These are things I need to do this week.

1. Attend Webutante Ball.
2. Get a bikini wax.
3. Call my colorist. My roots are showing.
4. Watch Real Housewives of NY reunion.
5. Get permanant crown on my tooth.
6. Pick up prescription cat food at the vet.
7. Schedule some meetings that I don't have time to have
8. Finish that presentation
9. Pick up my suitcase.
10. Ride in a hot air balloon.

Madame Award: Liftetime Achievement

Sex and the City 2 is just plain horrible and almost unwatchable. The only award the movie wins is that Sarah Jessica Parker is will now be given the honorary MADAME HALL OF FAME award. Throughout her costume changes, she exemplifies all the glamour of the greatest marionette of all time, MADAME. From her makeup to her headscarves, Sarah Jessica Parker's wooden self-centered acting throughout the entire movie will remind you of the beauty and fashion of Madame. Congrats, SJP.

Turn the Light On

I have a female friend who insists that men "settle down" when their "lights are on." Well, I think we are in the season where men inexplicably have turned their lights to "green." I had two male friends TODAY who in the past have self declared themselves as "eternal bachelors" admit they they are settling down for women they barely know. One is 50 years old and told me this morning that he is marrying a woman that he met through a friend on facebook three weeks ago and he is marrying her in a city hall ceremony NEXT WEEK. This blew my mind before 10AM. Then tonight, I had a male friend who is in his mid-40's s that he is allowing a woman to move in with him that he met two months ago on Nerve. Perhaps I'm skeptical and jaded and all I saw were red flags flashing as they confessed their new-found loves. Or perhaps, my friend's "lights on" theory is correct. Or perhaps it's seasonal. I'm not sure and only time will tell. I wonder when my light will turn "on." I'm fascinated by the functionality of the male mind.

Parenthood

In case you are wondering who in the hell watches Parenthood, well, it's my mother. I called her last week and she scolded me for interrupting her during the show. I didn't know this was one of her "shows" but now I do. When I got my period for the first time in the early 80's, I remember coming home from sax lessons and seeing a pool of blood soaked through my cordoroy boy's Levi's. Any middle schooler still wearing boy's jeans is going to be freaked out by the first flow. Anyway, I starting screaming and my mom told me to not bother her. "What's the matter? I'm watching Cagney and Lacey," she yelled across the hall. And, people wonder what is wrong with me.

Vacation Day

I want to go on a safari. I never had this desire before until today when I spent my vacation day in bed and at my storage room. I want to go on a luxury safari where someone carries my stuff, I wear a complete safari wardrobe and I get to see elephants and lions. I don't want to go by myself. Who wants to join me?

Hallelujah...Only 2 more weeks of Idol

Thanks to Adam Lambert I got sucked back into American Idol last season and have been watching again this season which has been terrible. I haven't even called to vote for anyone because I don't care who the hell wins. Crystal is the most talented but frankly, nobody has any charisma. I like my Idols to have some personality. Also, Lee DeWyze is even worse and more boring than Taylor Hicks. I have been hating him all season but tonight when he tortured Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, it was my last straw. I wanted to call to have him voted off immediately. Listening to his soulless version of this song was like watching Kate Gosselin dance. Jeff Buckley's cover is my favorite and I have to confess I liked Timberlake's cover to support Haiti.

When You Were Mine

I love Prince and I love this song. I also love youtube which is celebrating five years! My favorite story about Prince was when he changed his name to a symbol and I was discussing this in the car with my sister with my mom driving us to the Reading outlets. My mom couldn't wrap her brain around it and kept asking, "How do you spell that? A-S-Y-M-B-L-E" Then my sister finally yelled, "Mom, like the Equal sign." She still didn't quite understand. Enjoy.