WARNING: very long post with no pictures
So, I would like to brag about my parenting lately and I would like to share an experience with you.
Yesterday I promised Madeline at 4:30 that we would get a snow cone when she was done with her homework IF she finished before 6:00. I reminded her few times before she finally started it. She finished after 6:00. She had a royal fit to which I stayed very calm. I told her that we could get a snow cone right after school today. She continued to scream and cry and yell to the point that she had Bradley crying because he was so worried about her. After about 15 minutes of this fit I told her that if she didn't stop she would not be allowed to have a snow cone for 2 weeks. She stomped off and quickly returned to continue her fit. After a few minutes I reluctantly had to ground her from a snow cone for 2 weeks. Nothing compared to the fit that followed that decree. Throughout the whole thing I totally kept my cool. I was never mad at her, I never yelled at her. I dealt with her in a very calm manner. I think that really threw her off and she didn't know how to handle my reaction to it all.
I would like to share some of my favorite Madeline quotes from her fit.
"You should have yelled at me and made me do it... NOW IT'S TOO LATE!"
"2 weeks is a really long time! That's 14 days... that is half a month... what if it is cold in 14 days?"
"I don't know why you are being so nice to me when I am being such a butt."
"You should give me to the adoption people."
After she had calmed down and we were eating dinner she said to me, "Normally when I have a fit like that you scream at me and cry. You didn't do that this time."
I asked her if she liked it better this way, she said, "Yah, I loved it... Why didn't you cry?"
Then I told her my secret.
Let me go back about 3 1/2 years. I was pregnant with Bradley, we had some serious financial stresses coming at us every couple of months right up till I had Bradley and then he was not added to our insurance so we had to pay for all of his medical bills from birth until 5 months old. It was the most stressful year ever. When I get extremely stressed my body releases the stress through my eyes in the form of Iritis. This was the 3rd time I have had this scary condition. Being pregnant and unable to take the oral steroids that usually fix the problem made this case even more scary and it took 3 months to clear it up.
From that year on is when I started having trouble in my brain. I couldn't focus on anything. I felt overwhelmed by everything. A thought would go into my head and dissolve before I could act on it. I would walk around my house all day and never accomplish anything. Many times I could barley have a conversation with someone because my mind would go blank as to what we were even talking about. I found myself avoiding people a lot. I felt like I was in survival mode and it was all I could do to keep me and my children alive.
I felt so bad about myself. I kept thinking I used to be productive, I used to clean my house, play with Madeline, enjoy things. I was sure that I was just tired and when Bradley starts sleeping better then I would feel better. Bradley started to sleep better but I never felt better.
A year ago, after admitting to a few people how I felt I came to realize that I was not just tired, I was depressed and I was not alone. It made feel better just to realize that. I started thinking that I could fix my problem by eating better, exercising, I took a bunch of vitamins and herbal stuff. I thought that I was feeling better a little at a time but I would still have breakdowns and freak out on my kids. Then one day I read an article about a mother who had depression after her 2nd child was born. She was describing the behavior issues that her children had because of her depression and it was spot on with my kids. I cried and cried at the thought of what I was doing to my kids. I decided then that I needed help.
I made a Dr. appointment but I couldn't get in for 3 months. By the time I saw the Dr. I had been trying to fight my depression on my own for a full year. Add that to the 2 1/2 years that I thought that I was just tired and I couldn't remember feeling normal.
As I talked to my Dr. he said that I had just ran down the list of symptoms of depression word for word. Then he asked if I didn't like to be around people, did I dread going to church? I answered yes! I never thought that was one of my symptoms. I thought that I had lost my testimony and nothing I seamed to do was helping me to get it back. I really thought that I was a horrible person.
I left the Dr. office with a prescription in hand and butterflies darting around in my stomach. I was a scared to take the medication. I was afraid that it wouldn't help me... what if I couldn't be helped. I was afraid that it would help and that I couldn't be normal without it. I had worked so hard for a year trying to avoid this day and here I was.
I started taking the pills, it would take 2-3 weeks before I would notice any change. It seemed like forever but I started to notice that I felt better. At about 3 weeks I cleaned my house without hardly trying. My every day was no longer hard to do. I was doing it without even noticing when before everything that I did took so much effort. I was pretty excited about the change. I found that I was still short with my kids but I would take what I could get a.
Well I am now 3 months on the "Happy Pills" (we like to call them). I don't feel like a wonder woman, I don't feel like I drank an energy drink, I just feel normal. I find joy in my children playing even when they are being noisy and obnoxious. I am better able to prioritize my life. I can see that having all my chores done isn't as important as playing with my kids. I am happy with my days and proud of what ever I accomplished. I am more able to feel the spirit and understand my scriptures when I read.
Best of all I see the difference in my kids. Bradley's change was immediate. He doesn't throw fit near what he used to. He is much easier to talk to and reason with. Madeline has taken longer to change but I am starting to see it in her. Tonight with her fit, I think that she really felt that I love her no matter what and that she wasn't a bad girl for being upset. Most importantly I think that she saw that I can be the dependable and consistent mom that she needs. That makes me feel so amazing to know that I can finally be that for her.
So, what is my secret? Zoloft.
I don't have the worries about taking a pill like I did before. I don't care about all of those things. I am in control of me for the first time in 3 1/2 years. I love and enjoy my family and my church.
I have a lot of catching up to do. I have projects to complete and kites to fly. Kids to love on and a husband to date.
I only wish that I would have gotten help sooner.
Of course I am not saying that everyone should run out and get a pill but if you don't feel right do not waist time making excuses. Get some help. I found out that it affects more people than you think.
