Saturday, April 16, 2005
The Conclusion of Random Gestures - Closing the Book
Written March 29, 2004Right now, as I sit and type this on the laptop borrowed from work, Lacey lies beside me with her head on my knee. I try not to think about what I have to do in a few hours and instead want to write some things down while she is here, looking at me. Memories written, not from the view of her being gone, but with her still here.
We had Smarties for dinner on Sunday night. A chocolate and coffee dog, since the day I came home after work to find she'd eaten an entire Easter Bunny about 8 years ago. And beer. What dog doesn't love beer? D and C had come out to do some boarding in Banff and as I was working I was in bed fairly early those nights. Inevitably, the dog would stagger into the bedroom, waking me up as she stumbled around the covers only to fall over and begin to snore loudly. Rolling over to lay my hand on her back I'd yell, "Deeerrreck" and I'd fall back asleep with a beery dog and laughter from the other room. Two weeks after they left I got a picture in the mail of Herself drinking beer out of her own glass and an offer of therapy if she required it.
The March of the year I got sick we went on our first camping trip. I needed some driving time so I rented a car, borrowed Shari's camping stuff and off we went. Moiz had always gone on about Waterton so we drove down there, only to hate it. The only things that were open before the season had started were campsites in fields. Growing up in a rainforest just didn't jive with camping in that sort of environment so we headed off again and eventually found this lake surrounded by trees.
It was starting to snow as we climbed out of the car to set up the tent and it was only about 10 minutes before I discovered that Shari had forgot to include the tent poles. So, we packed back up and drove home. We'd driven for 8 hours by the time I ended up back at Shari's to pick up the poles so we came home, had a good nights sleep and then started all over again the next day. This time, we only went as far as Kananaskis (about 45 minutes) before settling into an empty campground.
We spent the next three days feeding the fire and reading four or five books in the sunshine. Lacey hated it. She was cold. She was uncomfortable. She would go into the tent to lay in the bed to keep warm and then get up every ten minutes to check on me. It was about this time I finally realized that no, she wasn't just ignoring me most of the time, but that she was deaf and couldn't hear where I was or what I was doing. We had Tony:here's little one person blow up mat and I would wake up in the morning with a shivering dog stretched full length on top of me, uncomfortable and sore.
We never went camping again.
There has not been a day in the last twelve years where I've been in the bathroom without Lacey coming in to grab her square of TP to murder. Even though I learned very early on that she would eat kleenex and TP out of the bathroom trash, there hasn't been a day she's missed checking it, 'just in case'. A morning that, in the shower or the bathtub, there hasn't been a nose poking around the curtain to make sure I'm okay, that I'm still there.
There hasn't been many mornings in all of these years when she hasn't woken up and crawled up into bed with me, to lay her head on the pillow beside me and scootch in all tight to go gently back to sleep.
Getting up to eat her breakfast but always being back in the warm spot by the time I got out of the shower.
Earlier this morning, telling her the plan for the day - big macs for lunch, a run in the park, her bunny to sleep with always - we get out of the elevator and she goes over to the garbage can to check out the night's offerings. I open the mailbox and am sorting through the mail when I feel a tug on her leash. I turn around and she's standing back in the elevator, watching me as the door closes and I stand there with the other end of her leash in my hand. Thoughts of the elevator moving and slowly strangling her tumble through my mind as I frantically push the buttons, only to have the other elevator open and sit there waiting. Finally, I duck into the open one to send it to another floor and jump back out to jab the buttons, praying that the damn thing opens before someone calls it to another floor.
The door opens and she's standing in the same spot looking at me like she's thinking, "What the hell are you doing?" Second only to living my days without her has been the fear of her strangling in the elevator.
I can't stop thinking how ironic it is that my two biggest fears in this life could possibly have come so close to true on the same day. And I think, that although I've probably let her down a thousand times in all these years, she never one let me down and patiently showed me over and over again the things that she was here to teach me.
I believe that we should do things that we know will cause us pain in the end. Because to not do those things - to not love or feel or do, to not know someone or something worth knowing - is not living at all. Not having her around will break my heart like nothing else in this world has been able to do but I would never ever trade it for not having her here in the first place. And that, in the end, is what it all comes down to.
But, those choices sometimes are the most painful ones we can ever make.
I can picture Tanys standing there, saying...."Come ON, let's go." So today, off you go, my girl. I know that you'll take care of Tanys and she of you. I will be forever grateful for the care you've taken of me. Thank you for teaching me and trusting in me and being such a loving stalwart companion.
From this day on you lie buried in my heart - where I can keep you safe.
Aside: A Going Away Present From YJ
Friday, April 15, 2005
Stick Me With a Fork, I'm Done
(But For One)
(an email to a friend, cobbled from bits at someone else's "home")There's been a discussion on someone else's blog but to explain it in a different way, here's what I wrote........
The issue I have with the people I'm addressing is dishonesty and motivation. If they were friends, as they are/were in real life then what would be the problem in being open about reading my blog? I've invited most of them there, after all.
To stop contact, lie and then continue to live within my life - I can't believe their motivation can be good. Although I can understand the 'car crash' mentality, I can't condone it or subscribe to them not acknowledging their visits.
What brings them by feels very much like the people behind the mirror in the asylum who come by to watch me tear myself apart and feed into their own superiority. They are choosing to reinforce their ideas about me, but very *selectively*.
If they had good intentions, they'd be supportive or, in the very least, honest. Everyone is welcome to take what they want from me of what I offer but once it's taken, it's no longer mine. The difference between them and everyone else is that they KNOW ME. If their intentions were good, they would be a part of both sides of my life. Like the other 20 people who actually know me and come here are.
I think these people don't understand the selective information in a blog. I don't think they want to. I think they will not contact me. I think that they are people I can do without.
Open invitation or not, respect - for me - is unarguable. And, in the end, my leaving will be about respect. Even if I have to respect myself on their behalf because they won't.
And then my lovely friend Jen,also added this.....
Sometimes, people who only know you through the blog come to think they do, in fact, *know* you. Which, over time I guess can prove to be a little bit true. But still, they only know the you you're willing to show them.
When people who know you in real life and should know better start taking the bits and pieces you've left on the internet and using them to serve their own self-devised purposes, it's the same in reverse. At that point, they really don't *know* you any more than your blog readers do. And somehow, that feels dishonest at best.
It's a fine line. And a tiring one, mostly.
I think starting new will be good for you. Time to take the other fork in the road. Leave the people who would see you not happy on the tine that people figuratively use to pick their nose.
It does make me wonder about human nature though, to see that one of the people I was "talking to" stepped up the number of their visits and then, this afternoon, started to google me in a seeming effort to find where I'd gone. (my ethics require me to actually mask this a little)
Ip**s-N*D CVNET-A7CE9B80 (NET-167-206-155-***-*)
167.206.155.*** - 167.206.155.***
# ARIN WHOIS database, last updated 2005-04-14 9:10
http://www.google.co...&q=airborne+pathojen
Search Engine: google.com
Search Words: airborne pathojen
There'll be one more post this weekend that I wrote last year so I guess this post is the one for saying the things I want to say.
Unless you are the person above or someone who lives within 20 km of me, all else is dealt with and these sentiments have NOT been directed at you. I can be emailed at
randomgestures(@)gmail.com
OR
airborne.pathojen(@)gmail.com
and I would very much like it if I could take you to my new home with me. There will be a couple of you I won't be able to find so please.... Ozone? David? Geekomatic?
This place has been so important to me I don't think that I could ever tell you how much - I don't have the words. Matt recognized pretty early on that... well, I'll let him tell you in his own words....
I have been thinking about the blog for a while now and I have decided that I am not going to go in there any more.
It has taken me a while to realize the importance of the blog to you, and how I affect it. I have come to realize how it is an important tool for you to sort stuff out....it is your mirror to talk to, your oceanside cliff to shout from. It also took me a long time to appreciate how important some of your blog friends are to you and that this is your primary form of communication with them.
Knowing that I could be in there has to affect some of the things you write and that is entirely unfair. It is very selfish of me to think otherwise, and selfish to know that I am affecting this important space of yours and to still do it.
This is why I am now promising to not go in there any more....whether you choose to trust/beleive this promise is up to you. But there it is. I enjoyed reading the blog, I love your style, and I don't want to inhibit that.
You know what? He never did. Even now. Even though I told him he could. I was going to write an ending for Matt as well but I can't. It's not done yet and writing an ending now would be a lie. But maybe, all I need to say right now is that I love the person who wrote that, not the least for being a 26 year old and possessing that level of insight, maturity and integrity. A level that, it seems, is rare at any age. I'm a long way from being okay without him and, as I've said before, I don't think we're quite done with each other yet but no matter what that means, we'll get there and then beyond. Together or not.
I had always requested that google not cache the site pages so there will be some stuff out there but for the most part, now that I've removed RG from the server - for all intents and purposes it's completely gone.
This little corner of the internet has been my heart, just as much as Lacey was and equally as much as Matt. Pulling it all away tonight was like having this already broken heart splinter into smaller pieces. As necessary as I feel it to be and although I am looking forward to a new beginning, I can't tell you how painful this is to do but I think you get the point.
Thank you. All of you. During the time of this blog your support, laughter, comments, emails, gentleness and your very (wonderful) presence is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
So, please email me but if I don't 'see' you again... promise at least to take care, save a worm off the sidewalk in the rain once in a while (for me), be kind to the people around you and more importantly, be kindest to yourselves.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Spring Cleaning
"I don't come to your site."Why yes, yes you do.
For one thing, I'm not sure, really, why people lie and why people lie directly to our faces but the worst thing is - when I know you're lying.
Second, there are people 'in real life' who've stopped being in touch with me for all intents and purposes or think I don't have site tracking or that maybe I don't care but come here anyway and just assume I'm going to let them paw through my life. But, you should be able to understand that it's a little different if you know me or if you worked with me, at least I hope you would. If you honestly think I don't know you're here, you should let me know. If there's some reason you don't want me to know, you should feel dirty.
I do. And I could give two shits that this is the internet, you are in MY space.
I'd refer you all to this.... Blogger Disclaimer, but it seems to me it may be pointless. I will however, post this portion of it in the hopes that you either be as honest with me as I try to be with you, or go away.
If they do not want you reading it, or suddenly stop posting entries, ask them why and if necessary, stop going to the site. It is important that as a friend, relative, co-worker or whatever you may be to the writer, that your presence at their weblog not impede their ability to express themselves. Remember this is their outlet. They may not want you to read certain things they might write about you or others you care about, in order to spare your feelings, avoid drama or maintain their privacy. You should respect this and immediately stop going to the site, and never relay any information you gather at their site to others who might use it against them.
More specifically, if you come here consistently and you've lied to me about coming here / know me and have not been invited here / know me and aren't sure if I know you're here OR know me but no longer actually communicate in 'real life' with me then you are being asked to respect my space and either let me know or ... leave.
I think it's only fair that I give you a chance to contact me because, honestly? Right now, *I'm absolutely not angry about it*. But, soon, I'm going to be. I have to say this because it will begin to hurt me and no one else is worth that. Not now. Not you. Not ever. Not any more.
Either these few people get in touch with me or (the rest of you) will have to email me because RandomGestures will no longer exist. I would be flattered and utterly delighted if 99% of you to came along with me to start again, from a new beginning.
