Just barely squeaking this under the one year mark...

Well, it is hard to believe it has been almost a year since we have put anything on this blog. I can't speak for Tamra, but writing something here has been on my mind for quite some time. In fact, I have written two posts and saved them somewhere, but am having trouble remembering just where they were saved. Oh well, right?

So, a lot has happened in this last year. The picture above is SUPER old now. Seems like forever ago. We made it back to CA for vacation last year, and have managed to see the majority of the family. Kyler and Ethan both gave tackle football a try this fall, and they both really had a good time. They are now in the middle of another basketball season. Antwan has started preschool, and although it is less convenient, being in the afternoon, I think Tamra is enjoying the short break and personal time.

We have also turned another chapter as a family. After much time in prayer, we will be leaving Kansas after 6 years. I know it seems as though we have been leaving since we got there, we (meaning, I) had finally accepted that Kansas would be our home for quite some time. However, when a job offer came along and offered us the chance to relocate to North Carolina, we took it. It will be harder to leave now than it would have been in previous years, but we feel this is the best choice for our family. We have put our home on the market, and I am living in a temporary rental property in NC already. I travel home to visit the family every other weekend for now. We don't like this set up very much, so we will see how long we can make it work. I have traveled for years, but I think being gone over the weekend too makes this extremely uncomfortable for everyone.

So, that is the short version update on the last year. Hope we will make more updates in the coming weeks. Wish us luck on getting our home sold. This will be the best and quickest way to get us all back together.

Ray

Slideshow of Antwan

Hope you all enjoy the slideshow.... I know it is long over due, sorry!

Love you all,
Tam

Whats "Tuna" Got To Do With It ???

Ok so I am posting rather early today. Lately  I haven't been sleeping well and I find myself laying in bed awake for a few hours thinking about anything and everything. Tonight when I awoke I felt an amazing amount of peace around me. I started thinking about who I am and how I have come to be the person I am today and how I have so much more work to do, but reassured that I am on the right path.

So this is where the "Tuna" comes in.

I am thankful for growing up in a small home with lots of siblings where the money was tight (most of my growing up years). My parents taught me how to make the best of a situation. My Mom made the best Tuna Casserole, she taught me to cook with minimal ingredients using spices / seasonings. I remember seeing my mom clip coupons to save a little here and there.  I have learned the value of a "good deal", or a "Big Sale". I am thankful for my Dad for his desire to continue to learn and improve in his building / craftsmanship. I had an amazing doll house every little girl would dream of. I am thankful for my Mom and always trying to help us stay in fashion on a dime, her late night sewing and late night fittings (I didn't always stand so still). I also remember seeing my mom on her knees by her bed in tears asking for help. I am thankful for the visits I did with my Dad to check on families in our church. I am thankful for the meals Mom would prepare for another family in need and we would just eat another "Tuna Casserole" or pancakes. I am thankful for the constant remodeling that took place in our home. Where I learned to use tools and how to swing a hammer. I still remember the time when we were re-roofing our house and I believe it was July (but it was summer time at least) and the roof was exposed Dad and Mom went to Home Depot and my cousin Aaron and I were swimming in my neighbors pool. When all of a sudden dark clouds came over us and it started to sprinkle. I remember glancing at the roof completely exposed and looked at Aaron and told him we have to get the roof covered. I am sure Aaron thought I was crazy, but we managed to cover the entire roof with tarps. By the time we were done covering the roof the sprinkle turned into a complete down pour.When my parents pulled up I had never seen my Dad sooo happy, he was so surprised that I would have thought of it, but to me it was a no brainer. I am thankful for learning the value of work at such a young age, I learned quickly that if I want more than I have then I have to work / earn it. I am thankful for all the little jobs that led to bigger jobs. I am thankful for all my siblings for each of them teaching me, for showing me love even if at the time I didn't think so. Ron taught me the value in learning and reading, Heather taught me how to clean and what it was like to be in High School at 5, Eric taught me the power of perseverance and to never take no for an answer. Mike taught me that it's ok to stand out in crowd by choosing the right, Kristen gave me friendship no matter what - she taught me the value of listening, Andrew taught me that having a little brother was far better than a little sister even though I experienced Barbie massacre because of him and Patrick... maybe I was supposed to have learned patience! I am thankful for all my brothers and sisters that have married into our family. Michael has taught me to laugh even when I have an "attitude problem", Veronica has demonstrated love, Suzy has taught that it is ok to have a bad day (but it's better with a snickers bar and a 64oz drink), Jenna has taught me to be strong and to be positive and she is demonstrating this to me once again, Jeff has taught me to find humor in small things (AFHV), Taylor I know I don't know you well but you are teaching me courage because you are demonstrating that by marrying into this family :)  Thank you for loving my brother! I am thankful for opportunities I have had to develop talents at home, school and church. I am thankful for the understanding of who I am , a daughter of a wonderful Heavenly Father that has blessed me with divine qualities. I am thankful for Jesus Christ and His Atonement, I am not perfect and I have seen how the Atonement is for me too (not just for everyone else but me). I am thankful for my growing up years not being perfect / ideal - for teaching me life lessons.  I am thankful for how our family takes on challenges, and how we have grown even closer after moving away from that small house on Pershing Ave. I feel I am a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Grandaughter, Niece, Friend (do I have it all covered?)

I am Thankful for "Tuna"!

Love to all Tamra
Ps. I now have 20 min before geting kids up ready for school ... yay me!

Antwan Is Ours!!!

June 22, 2010

5:15pm

Antwan is officially a "Smith" now!

We are so thankful to have Antwan in our lives, he is a wonderful blessing to our family.

Thank you for all your your support! We love you all very much!

Love, Tam

(PS. We have so much to catch everyone up on but no time hopefully we can soon :)

Good News... and Quick Update

We received some unexpected good news the middle of last week...

When we had to make our tough decision about Maya and Lexi, we found out that their half-brother's (Shiheem) grandfather (approx 40) had been interested and willing to take in the girls for quite some time. The agency (KVC) never really looked to him as a possible resource for the girls, and didn't keep him well informed as things changed for them. We had called to share our decision with him, and he expressed his love for the girls, and his willingness, even desire, to provide a permanent home for them. This has relieved us greatly as we have felt so strongly about all of our decisions regarding them, and this would offer them the chance to be with family.

Due to some interstate paperwork (he lives in MO, so there is cross-state junk to deal with), they were required to go to another foster home while everything could be looked at to make his interest a formal interest, and viable option. Consequently, the home they have been in since leaving us has been AWESOME for both of them. Although Maya continues to have her "episodes", Elisa (her foster mom) is able to devote much more time to her needs, and has really made some good progress. Lexi continues to steam ahead, and is always so resilient. She truly is a special girl. Both girls have been enrolled into a preschool program and are both thriving in their environment. Although it is still heartbreaking they are not with us, it is comforting to know they are being so well cared for, and are progressing so quickly.

So...for the good news!!! (Sorry about that) The call we received shared with us that MO and KS have finally got their paperwork in order to begin transferring the girls to Alfred's home.(Grandpa) We NEVER expected this to actually be completed in this fast of a turn around. When crossing state lines, these things can drag out forever. Alfred will be having the girls over for some in home visits, and a couple of overnight stays, and then they will transition to his home permanently within the next few weeks. On Friday we drove up to St. Joseph to deliver the beds we had bought for the girls, so he could check off his final requirement to begin their visits. This is truly AWESOME news, and more importantly is a MIRACULOUS event. Alfred is getting married this month, in just a few weeks, and his soon-to-be wife is also a wonderful lady. It is amazing that with all they have going on, they are so focused on caring for these two special girls, and bringing them into their family, forever. The girls have already been included in the wedding ceremony, and will be getting new dresses in the next couple of weeks.

Having to decide to let them go has been one of the hardest and most challenging decisions we have ever had to face. It has not only impacted me, Tamra, our 3 little boys, and our extended families, but has impacted both of them, and their family as well. The impacts continue to be felt by our family, as I'm sure by the girls too. But, and that is a big BUT, our decision could not have been made without the guidance of our Heavenly Father, and only after days and weeks of painful prayers, and long-suffering. I KNOW, without a single doubt, that although this decision still hurts in so many ways, we made the decision we were supposed to. I know, that although my family continues to struggle with losing part of our hearts, that we did the right thing. And I know, that although it may take a lot more time, our wounds will heal, we will have gained something we will need in the future, my boys will be bettered, and our girls are where their Father in Heaven wants them to be.

I am grateful for this news...for this miracle. I am grateful we have been blessed with a miracle such as this. I am grateful for the strength of our family, and to know that we will all be able to rely upon our strength for eternity. I am grateful for my wonderful, beautiful, and STRONG wife who has managed to stay afloat through all of this even as I have been traveling. I am most grateful for these times when one can literally feels the arms of our Savior wrapped around us, and the comfort that can bring. I am grateful for the confirmation those same arms are tightly wrapped around Maya and Lexi, and that they too are being comforted. I am grateful for the love from each of you that we have felt at different times over these last few months, and thank you for your prayers on our behalf. And I am so very grateful for my eternal family, and to know that Christ suffered our pain once before, and through Him we can be made strong enough to make it through this trial.

rr

Tired of all the . . .

Well, a short post this will be...

Since we are supposed to be "blogging" our thoughts, I have decided to not tell a story and just simply vent.... I AM TIRED!!!!!!!!!

Tired of the weekly travel with multiple locations.
Tired of carrying far more than my fair load at work for seemingly no benefit.
Tired of all the drama that is my workplace lately.
Tired of the uncertainty of the stability of things for everyone at work.
Tired of national initiatives that are completely and totally out of touch.
Tired of writing papers every stinking week.
Tired of homework on the road.
Tired of missing T-ball practice.
Tired of not being home to play basketball and ride bikes with the boys.
Tired of not being able to play with Antwan at least a few minutes each day.
Tired of not knowing when we will get his paperwork back so we can finally schedule that court date.
Tired of missing my girls.
Tired of missing my wife.
Tired of leaving her to handle EVERYTHING that goes on at home all week.
Tired of my oldest telling me he wants to just spend time together when I cannot make that happen right now.
Tired of trying to fit family time into the 1 day each week we have for errands and others things.
Tired of not being able to visit CA.
Tired of not having any true friends in KS.
Tired of getting fat.
Tired of feeling old.
Tired of my calling.
Tired of not playing with my dogs.
Tired of having a fish tank.
Tired of missing my family.
Tired of living out of a suitcase.
Tired of living out of my car.
Tired of having multiple projects undone.
Tired of the stinking weather.
Tired of missing school events for my kids.
Tired of not making it to pack meeting for Kyler.
Tired of trying to fit everything in to a short period of time.
Tired of needing to wash my car.
Tired of needing to vacuum my car.
Tired of not getting good sleep.
Tired of hotels.
Tired of eating out.
Tired of fighting the idea I am suddenly in a flood zone.
Tired of builder grade AC units.
Tired of being spread too thin.
Tired of not being able to be there for my wife as she fights to keep things moving while I'm gone.
Tired of not having any personal time.
Tired of not having any couples time.
Tired of those who try to suck us into their drama.
Tired of them not knowing us well enough to know that we simply don't get involved.
Tired of not having the time I want, desire, require, need, and work for to provide each person in my family with the time they want, desire, require, need, and would sacrifice for.

I think I am just...... TIRED!

I am Ok

OK .... so its been a long time since I have posted. I am not sure if my words will flow like I would want so I guess here goes :)

I am not the same person I was 1-1/2 years ago... I am thankful for this. I know I have experienced much heartache but I also have experienced much love and joy. I have learned to fully submit my heart to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and to trust, have hope and faith. I have no regrets. I have learned to open my home, my heart and embrace others fully. My eyes have been opened to the love that our Heavenly Father has for all of His children and how aware He is of each of them. I am so thankful for the trust He has in me for allowing me the opportunity to be a mother to His children even for a brief time. I am blessed to know that what we have been through wasn't just by chance or the luck of the draw ... it was His plan. I have been blessed with PEACE in knowing that.

So to all of you out there I am ok! I have hard days sometimes, but I think that is to be expected. I have been keeping myself busy! I decided to change three bedrooms around and paint them - now as I have lost momentum I am wondering what in the world was I thinking ???? Well I do know I couldn't look at the girls beds and walk into their room and see it empty so I had to change everything :) We now have another dog "Missy" she really is a good dog she just doesn't like men so for Ray this causes a problem but she LOVES ME :) Missy has been good for the family because Vayda (our dalmatian) is old and likes to just lay around and Missy loves to play and snuggle so it has been great for the fam. We had spring break two weeks ago and we went to Chicago we had a great time and the boys were of course happy because we got to stay in the "Jungle Hotel" Embassy Suits which they love. I have made progress in getting more pictures of the family up in the home including the girls. I feel they will always be a part of our family. We hope to continue our contact / communication with them. I feel it is important for them to know that the time in our home was real and that they still have lots and lots of family who love them and who will support them. I feel in a way I will have an easier time when Antwan's adoption is final, our family is holding on with everything we have. The boys have had a hard time with the girls leaving and they fear Antwan too will leave. Antwan is a complete stinker :) but he also brings complete Joy! I wish I could post pictures of our complete family on here but until things are made final we can't. It is so funny how Antwan and Ethan are soooo much a like they really are brothers no doubt about it!

Well I wanted you all to know that I am ok ... yes I still cry and still have hard days however I am BLESSED so very much! The love of my wonderful husband, children, parents, brothers, sisters, prayers from all of you, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is what is getting me through!!!

Thank you! & Lots of Love,
Tam

ps. Mom I will get your blog updated soon....sorry!