Saturday, April 6, 2013

National Columnists' Day Celebrates Ernie Pyle (1900 – 1945)

by Rose A. Valenta


The anniversary of the April 18, 1945 death of the great Ernie Pyle is a time to reflect on the way newspaper columnists connect, educate, comfort, encourage, celebrate, outrage and occasionally even amuse readers and a time to express appreciation for them for their hard work.” ~ National Society of Newspaper Columnists (NSNC) April 18, 1995.

And work hard Ernie Pyle did, crunching out 1,000-word essays six days-a-week non-stop for 10 years, until his untimely death on the front line in 1945.

Since this is a humor blog, I chose to honor Ernie Pyle this month by posting a column that he wrote about the famous cartoonist, Bill Mauldin, in 1944. I remember seeing those Willie and Joe cartoons for the first time, while leafing through some old Life Magazines. I saved a few of them for inspiration.

Bill Mauldin, Cartoonist
by Ernie Pyle

IN ITALY, January 15, 1944 – Sgt. Bill Mauldin appears to us over here to be the finest cartoonist the war has produced. And that’s not merely because his cartoons are funny, but because they are also terribly grim and real.

Mauldin’s cartoons aren’t about training-camp life, which you at home are best acquainted with. They are about the men in the line – the tiny percentage of our vast army who are actually up there in that other world doing the dying. His cartoons are about the war.

Mauldin’s central cartoon character is a soldier, unshaven, unwashed, unsmiling. He looks more like a hobo than like your son. He looks, in fact, exactly like a doughfoot who has been in the lines for two months. And that isn’t pretty.

Mauldin’s cartoons in a way are bitter. His work is so mature that I had pictured him as a man approaching middle age. Yet he is only twenty-two, and he looks even younger. He himself could never have raised the heavy black beard of his cartoon dogface. His whiskers are soft and scant, his nose is upturned good-naturedly, and his eyes have a twinkle.
His maturity comes simply from a native understanding of things, and from being a soldier himself for a long time. He has been in the Army three and a half years.
*
Bill Mauldin was born in Mountain Park, New Mexico. He now calls Phoenix home base, but we of New Mexico could claim him without much resistance on his part. Bill has drawn ever since he was a child. He always drew pictures of the things he wanted to grow up to be, such as cowboys and soldiers, not realizing that what he really wanted to become was a man who draws pictures. He graduated from high school in Phoenix at seventeen, took a year at the Academy of Fine Arts in Chicago, and at eighteen was in the Army. He did sixty-four days on KP duty in his first four months. That fairly cured him of a lifelong worship of uniforms.

Mauldin belongs to the 45th Division. Their record has been a fine one, and their losses have been heavy. Mauldin’s typical grim cartoon soldier is really a 45th Division infantryman, and he is one who has truly been through the mill.

Mauldin was detached from straight soldier duty after a year in the infantry, and put to work on the division’s weekly paper. His true war cartoons started in Sicily and have continued on through Italy, gradually gaining recognition. Capt. Bob Neville, Stars and Stripes editor, shakes his head with a veteran’s admiration and says of Mauldin: "He’s got it. Already he’s the outstanding cartoonist of the war."
*
Mauldin works in a cold, dark little studio in the back of Stars and Stripes’ Naples office. He wears silver-rimmed glasses when he works. His eyes used to be good, but he damaged them in his early Army days by drawing for too many hours at night with poor light.

He averages about three days out of ten at the front, then comes back and draws up a large batch of cartoons. If the weather is good he sketches a few details at the front. But the weather is usually lousy.

"You don’t need to sketch details anyhow," he says. "You come back with a picture of misery and cold and danger in your mind and you don’t need any more details than that."

His cartoon in Stars and Stripes is headed "Up Front . . . By Mauldin." The other day some soldier wrote in a nasty letter asking what the hell did Mauldin know about the front.

Stars and Stripes printed the letter. Beneath it in italics they printed a short editor’s note: "Sgt. Bill Mauldin received the Purple Heart for wounds received while serving in Italy with Pvt. Blank’s own regiment." That’s known as telling ‘em.
*
Bill Mauldin is a rather quiet fellow, a little above medium size. He smokes and swears a little and talks frankly and pleasantly. He is not eccentric in any way.

Even though he’s just a kid he’s a husband and father. He married in 1942 while in camp in Texas, and his son was born last August 20 while Bill was in Sicily. His wife and child are living in Phoenix now. Bill carries pictures of them in his pocketbook.

Unfortunately for you and Mauldin both, the American public has no opportunity to see his daily drawings. But that isn’t worrying him. He realizes this is his big chance.

After the war he wants to settle again in the Southwest, which he and I love. He wants to go on doing cartoons of these same guys who are now fighting in the Italian hills, except that by then they’ll be in civilian clothes and living as they should be.

Ernie Pyle
~~~
Source: "Ernie's War: The Best of Ernie Pyle's World War II Dispatches," edited by David Nichols, pp. 197-99. Pictures courtesy of The Lilly Library, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
*
To learn more about the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and National Columnists' Day, click here: NSNC

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Fluster Chuck

by Rose A. Valenta

Super Bowl Sunday dinner is destined to turn out like the maiden voyage of the Titanic. Believe me; it has nothing to do with the Ravens, 49ers, or Shannon Sharpe. The fluster chuck and icebergs being our two young grandsons vs. our daughter Sally’s in-laws, Dwight and Margaret Stern, a surly couple equipped with the combined personalities of two flat soufflés.

Margaret is a retired country club groupie, who once thought Warren Buffett was the sexiest thing since Aristotle Onasis, and Dwight used to stuff shirts for a living. They met at a charity play – a match spawned from a remake of “Les Miserables.” I found all this out a few months ago, after they drank too much champagne at Sally and Mel’s wedding and dumped on me. It was better than a Joe Biden Gaffe. Now, they stick with non-alcoholic cantaloupe horchatas. They should drink more alcohol. 

Our other guests include Sally’s husband, Mel; our 12 and 14-year-old grandsons, Glenn and Earl, whom we call Loaf and Domino because they are lazy and always into mischief; my husband’s best friend, Vince Lubelli, who is divorced and unemployed with an IQ low enough to make Ripley’s; and my sister, Berni, who is 50 years old, going on 12, and still dates college guys. 

Our oldest daughter is away. We are babysitting our grandsons and have no choice in the matter, we’re stuck with them for Super Bowl Sunday. I quickly determined where to hide the mashed potatoes, so they can’t have a food fight and play “zit” in front of the Sterns. My husband and I were uneasy about inviting them, but Sally had called earlier and insisted.

“Mom, can you invite Mel’s parents over for dinner on Super Bowl Sunday?”

“Are you nuts?” I asked. “The Domino Effect, Vince ‘The Zoner,’ and your Aunt Berni ‘The Cougar,’ will be here.”

“It’s Okay,” she said. “I’ll keep the boys occupied with Xbox games. Margaret and Dwight are in town and it would be impolite to leave them alone at our house, while we come over and party. Just make sure Aunt Berni doesn’t bring her latest Nick Jonas look-alike; and ask Dad not to torment Vince with his usual Jay Walking game. I was totally embarrassed the last time Dad grabbed the salt shaker like a mic and put it in Vince's face, asking 'Who wrote the motivational book,  Who Moved my Cheese?' and Vince blurted out ‘Chaz Bono?"


“I don’t know,” I said. “Remember the last time we all had dinner together and Loaf kept pelting Margaret with Spanish olives? The boys swing from trees at the mall. Your sister never trained them for anything civilized. When they play Xbox, they use all seven Urban Dictionary words that Carlin said are banned on TV."

“Mom, I promise to keep them calm and occupied.”

“Okay,” I said. “This I have to see.”

“Thanks, you’re a gem.”

“You’re welcome," I said. “The disclaimer will be hanging off the front door, just below the Harbaugh jersey. Your father is leaving nothing to chance."

We decided to serve dinner buffet-style, so that we could keep the Sterns at a safe distance from Loaf and Domino, who never mastered social skills or how to put the toilet seat down.

“Five dollars says one of the Sterns will end up sitting on cold porcelain in the bathroom before the night is over,” I yelled out to my husband, who was outside trying to blow the dust balls off the fleur de lis candlesticks that haven’t been out of the china closet since Super Bowl 44. He finally resorted to artfully using the potato peeler to shave them; then, he added two plastic ravens.

“You're on,” my husband laughed.

Well, he should have just handed me the five dollars, as half-way through dinner we could hear Margaret’s loud screams in the bathroom drowning out the entertainment system, which was blasting Domino's favorite Steelheart recording, “Love Ain’t Easy.” Margaret prefers Luciano Pavarotti's "A Te, O Cara" from I Puritani, so she was doubly traumatized.


Kick-off was still a few hours away, so I gave her a towel, two aspirin, and a doggie bag.  I gave Dwight a desperately needed 12-pack of Blue Moon. He was so upset, his testicles receded and he was in a great deal of pain. Vince gave up his Ravens hat and Mel drove them back home.

I turned to Sally and she accurately read the I told you so look on my face.

“I know,” she said. “Just like savoir-faire, Fluster Chuck is everywhere!”



© 2013, Valenta, All rights reserved.
To read my column Skinny Dipping click here
To buy my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” click here


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Juicing the Fiscal Cliff

by Rose A. Valenta

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself." ~ Mark Twain

The President has been working hard trying to get Democrats and Republicans to come to an agreement to avert the fiscal cliff. It wasn’t until Biden showed up with a bipartisan punch bowl, a keg of Blue Moon and White House Brew on New Year’s Eve that they finally reached an agreement.

He got Eric Cantor trashed first, then Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner until they reached a tentative vote, as Brendan Buck was picking Boehner up off the floor.

Rep. Henry Waxman (D., Calif.) said "the president gave up a lot; more than I would have liked, but I can understand what we're dealing with and I'll probably vote for it, hic!"

Just then, BO got a text message from MO in Hawaii, "Take your time, here comes Honey Boo Boo."

"I wish I could say this was a proud moment," said Rep. Darrell Issa (R., Calif.), "but it is the smallest finger in a dike that has in fact a hundred holes in it. Much like Biden’s keg." Nancy Pelosi didn’t exactly know what was in it either.

The Senate cleared the package with an 89-8 vote about 2:00 AM EST on Tuesday after President Obama broke out the Scotch whiskey (Boehner's favorite).

At 2:01 AM, Harry Reid injured his face trying to open a warm bottle of champagne that his pet, Coons, gave him because he thought drinking the White House ale was "tacky."

The House convened at noon on New Year's Day, but everyone was so hung over, they couldn’t say when they would debate the budget deal.

Then, Nancy found a dance partner and everyone decided to reconvene on Thursday with the 113th Congress. Nancy instructed staffers to launch a Photoshop app called "You Go, Girlfriend!" for the official photo as a Just-in-Case (JIC) strategy to paste in members, who couldn't show up on time.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

IF PLATO TWEETED: A TECHNO-DEFENSE OF SOCRATES

by Ed Tasca

@Platothephilosopher
None wiser than Socrates. The Oracle said so. He’s in danger. I need your help.

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m heading to my mother’s for lunch.

@Platothephilosopher
Our great teacher could be facing a death sentence. For accusations of impiety.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Tell him to shave his beard and dress conservatively.

@Platothephilosopher
True wisdom belongs to the gods, he says. Human wisdom has little value. This is an attempt to show humility and virtue. Is that impiety?

@ChaerephonCherrie
I might come if I catch up on my txting.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m at the agora. I’m stuck behind another Dionysian parade.

@olympusrules_Meletus
U go to Glucosamine’s party last nite?

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, you were the one who brought the charges against our great teacher. And all you care about is Glucosamine’s party?

@olympusrules_Meletus
Plato, my inbox is on overload! Give it a rest!

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
Meletus, Glucosamine had a zoo there. I don’t mean his theatre friends. He had a real zoo. Snakes, wild boar, monkeys. The bomb!

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, please reconsider your “corruption of youth” charge. You asked Socrates if there was a Zeus.

@olympusrules_Meletus
He said there’s no scientific evidence there’s a Zeus. I said then who crtd the universe? As usual, he answered with a ?: Who the hell knows?

@Platothephilosopher
That’s not corruption of youth! And he didn’t say, “Who the hell knows?”

@olympusrules_Meletus
Maybe I was just pissed at him answering questions with another gd question!!!

@Platothephilosopher
Where’s Chaerephon on this?

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
His server’s out.

@olympusrules_Meletus
Socrates is an atheist. I testified as much. Did my duty 4 the good of the state.

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, you admitted Socrates taught you to believe in spiritual guidance. How could he be an atheist?

@olympusrules_Meletus
We worshipped Dionysus together!! Got totally pissed. That was my spiritual guidance!

@Platothephilosopher
Your accusations about Socrates are contradictory.

@olympusrules_Meletus
It’s not a contradiction. An atheist can still mouth things spiritual. Look at every politician!

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates is not afraid of death. He will die to make his point to the court.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
What’s wrong with just an “objection?” *s*

@olympusrules_Meletus
Who saw Phidias’s new nude? Hot! He says it’s Aphrodite. Come on, it’s the spittin’ image of Analgesia, the waitress at Sons of Helen bistro.

@Platothephilosopher
Meletus, we’re talking about a man’s life here. A life devoted to searching for the truth.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
That hairy old bastard.

@Platothephilosopher
Prostatitis, have a little respect. The man’s in the throes of despair.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I was talking about Phidias.

@olympusrules_Meletus
Tell him plea bargain. So he goes to Sicily. Yeah, there’s Etna and racketeering. But it’s better than the alternative.#sicilycenteroftheworld

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
Twalking: Dionysian parade getng bigger, crazier. I’m stopng 4 eggs. Scrambled with chopped olives! I love it. Meet me. Whoever.

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates has said we who fear death show our ignorance. Death may be a great blessing. It’s time to demonstrate that personal courage isn’t fu

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
What’s “fu?” What the hll r u talkng about?

@olympusrules_Meletus
You know what? Personal courage is a humongous f.u. when you wind up with a hemlock cocktail.

@Platothephilosopher
Futile. Futile! I was saying Futile in the face of sophism.

@olympusrules_Meletus
If death’s so great, y does everybody pay any quack any amount of $ to cure them of every phlegm and heartburn?

@Platothephilosopher
@olympusrules_Meletus, you’re the impious one, you and Aristophanes. You’re the ones corrupting Athenian youth with your slander and your sarc

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Sarc? For Olympus’s sake, Plato, learn how to tweet. All ur tweets are 2 long and don’t make sense.

@Platothephilospher
I’m sorry for my intrusive literacy. But a stark 142 character communiqué is a fey child’s game, inadequate to persuade foolish youths to do

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
To do what??

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I made it to the Sons of Helen bistro. Analgesia, that waitress, isn’t here. Phidias must’ve paid her big time. I want to be a sculptor.

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m back.

@Platothephilosopher
Chaerephon, Will you join me in defense of Socrates?

@ChaerephonCherrie
U still at it? This disrespecting the Gods thing-don’t want 2 b involved. Who they gonna charge next? I like all the gods, goddesses, demigods

@olympusrules_Meletus
Who’s ur favorite?

@ChaerephonCherrie
I’m not done. I like the Fates, the Muses, the Graces, those centaur things, all the nymphs: the Dryades, the Nereides, the Oreiades, who else

@olympusrules_Meletus
Cherrie, calm down!

@ChaerephonCherrie
The Maliades, the Alseides, the Lampades. I’m not corrupted!!! I want that on record. Who’d I leave out?

@olympusrules_Meletus
The Meliai, nymphs of the ash trees.

@ChaerephonCherrie
We have nymphs in our ash trees?

@olympusrules_Meletus
We have nymphs everywhere! Except in my bedroom!

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
For me it’s btwn Artemis when she’s not PO’d, and Zeus, especially when he morphs into animals and screws babes all over the archipelago.

@Platothephilosopher
Socrates has no favorites. He says we learn moral goodness and truth from ALL the immortals.

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m signing off. I’m getting lunch. And then I have to walk my dog. Tip: follow Glucosamine #FF. He’s funny and he knows when to twitter off

@olympusrules_Meletus
Epicurus Don’t sign off. Tell Glucosamine I want an invite 2 next bash. TMB

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Lysistrata Dress Rehearsal. Comp tickets 4 2N!

@olympusrules_Meletus
Fab! I’m going!

@Platothephilosopher
Aristophanes, join me at the courthouse, please. Many follow you.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
I’m at the theatre. Lysistrata looks like a hit.

@Platothephilosopher
Let me tell you what Socrates is saying about acquiring virtue.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
Screw Socrates. Who gives a s__t what he’s saying about acquiring virtue. My inbox is on overload with this Socrates crap!!!!

@ChaerephonCherrie
That’s how MY server went down!

@Platothephilosopher
Aristophanes, come to the court before the show. They will come if you do.

@Aristophanes3xfestivalwinner
I have to do a costume change. Lysistrata is wearing something that looks like it was torn off a Roman whore.

@olympusrules_Meletus
OMG! I just found a great place selling figs. 2 drachmae and u fill a basket. Agora_n.w.corner.com

@Platothephilosopher
I’ve arrived at the court. Socrates says he’s a misunderstood benefactor to Athens, not an enemy! As such he should be given free meals, if we

@olympusrules_Meletus
If we what???

@ChaerephonCherrie
My server went out again. What’s going on? I’m at my mother’s. She made my fav, Spanakopita. YUM! Recipe@Cherrieblog.com

@Prostatitis<3sEpicurus
I’m back! Is Plato done? I’m not following him anymore. Glucosamine’s, next full moon.

@Platothephilosopher
STOP. Socrates has an idea. He suggests he just pay a fine of 100 drachmae. As he has little funds of his own, I say we all chip in, let’s say

@olympusrules_Meletus
LOL. LOL. LOL.

~~~
This week’s guest columnist, Ed Tasca, Lives in Ajijic, Mexico. He is originally from Philadelphia, PA, and has authored six works of fiction. Ed writes a humor column for Ojo del Lago, Mexico’s largest English language magazine.

Ed is the grand prize winner in the 2011 Screenplay Search Competition. Winner of the prestigious Robert Benchley Society Humor Award for 2009. Also winner of humorpress.com awards, M. Culbertson’s Life and Humor Award, Ojo del Lago Award for Humor. Humor essays have appeared in publications in the U.S., Canada, England, Italy and Mexico. Anthologized in: American’s Funniest Humor, 2006, Laugh Your Shorts Off, 2009. Provides an explanation of the vast influence of Robert Benchley in a new edition of Robert Benchley’s humor essays.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Sitting on Cold Porcelain

by Rose A. Valenta

It’s been a difficult day at the office and you're exhausted. Your eyes hurt from working on a computer all day, not to mention the crimp in your neck and back, and sore Maxine (escape key) finger.

You turn on the evening news to find out that all sorts of crazy things are happening in our world. Terrorists are trying to kill us, our Vice President made another gaffe at an important event, our political pundits are calling for impeachment, a famous designer has introduced a line of bullet-proof clothing, another politician has gotten himself involved in a sex scandal, PETA is making yet another smoker ad, a scientist wants to give Galileo a posthumous eye test on a stimulus grant, and the term “Brangelina” now refers to a gay variety show at the Boston Roxy; you know that because your 10-year-old grandson told you.

You try to find out if your v-chip works for news programming, as the kids are doing homework in front of the TV. They are not asking about protractors and math manipulatives.

You could describe the way you feel as “punch drunk,” only there are no Marquess of Queensberry rules here.

You get into bed feeling warm and cozy; your significant other is snoring loudly at your side. Icicles are forming outside. You fluff your pillows, turn on the heating blanket, set the alarm, and insert the ear-plugs - all is right with your world.

Then, at around 3:00 am, at the very beginning of your crucial Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep (the three-hour sound sleep window that keeps people from going crazy), you begin dreaming about soaking in a hot tub, you wake up suddenly before you pee yourself, make a mad dash into the bathroom, quickly squat, and find yourself - sitting on cold porcelain.

Realizing that the culprit is still sleeping soundly in the next room, totally unaware of your predicament, and probably dreaming about lunch with the guys at Hooters, you scream loudly, as if to wake up the dead or at least that slug stuck in a salt ring.

He comes running into the bathroom, completely naked and wild-eyed with a Colt 45, ready to protect his damsel in distress. He looks around quickly like a buck protecting his turf. He almost pees on the wall to mark it; then, he looks down and spots a puddle of water and his damsel, who is stuck in the commode.

You, his damsel, begin to spew a Dennis Miller monologue, worse than anything he has ever heard on the O'Reilly Factor, he aims, and you karate chop him. The weapon falls into the commode. It can't rust, so he stays up for an hour cleaning it out and oiling it. You are still beating his ear an hour into REM sleep. Both of you are red-eyed, resembling vampires. You go back to bed. There is still an hour left.

No, this is not a sneak preview of the next Super Bowl prize-winning GEICO caveman commercial. Some people call it Murphy's Law every time things go wrong. I feel justified calling it "Sitting on Cold Porcelain."

Click here to order it for $2.99 (less than a gallon of gas) at SMASHWORDS, in all digital formats: Kindle, Nook, eBook, Sony, PDF, etc.

You really don't want to miss reading this book.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Will There Ever be a SLPGA Tour?

by Rose A. Valenta


Augusta National Golf Club - Wiki


While my colleague, Alan Zweibel, is getting stumped about his status as a "funny old jew" in “I'm a what?”, which was requested by someone, who was probably influenced by Willie Wonka’s Black Mozart Sparkler recipe, I’ve been reading more from my friend Gina Barreca (@theginabarreca) about women feeling like fish out of water and wondering why we are still not allowed to join Augusta National Golf Club. God knows that we women golfers have the kahones to sign up, right?

Also, in my quest to figure out why clocks run clockwise, I was wondering why is there no such thing as a Senior Ladies Professional Golf Association (SLPGA) tour? After all, there are SPGA championships for men like Fuzzy Zoeller, who can still find the green and the hole. What will great golfers like Annika Sorenstam and Se Ri Pak be able to do when they reach Nancy Lopez’ age and get a little fuzzy?

I want to join Augusta when I retire and have the time to play golf. I want the sheer pleasure of putting a flowering peach divot in the middle of the hole #3 fairway because I can; play, rather than paint the 13th hole; say a little prayer for Martha Burk in Amen Corner; climb the Eisenhower Tree; Jump into Record Fountain (with my clothes on) for getting a hole-in-one; eat a hamburger in the same room as Warren Buffett; and discuss my first difficult billion dollars with T. Boone Pickens, Jr.

No more of these age discrimination requests, double standards for golfers, and totally uncool vanilla flavored whey protein drinks. I like blueberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and mango.

To order my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” for $2.99 (less than a gallon of gas) click here SMASHWORDS, it is in all digital formats: Kindle, Nook, eBook, Sony, PDF, etc.

Also follow me on Twitter: @rosevalenta
and Facebook: Rose A. Valenta

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Bust of Politician Crafted From Cow Dung

by Rose A. Valenta

Both of the upcoming Democratic and Republican National Conventions cause me to reflect on an artist in New Zealand, who figured out the answer to this question - How does one create a sculpture of a politician, who is full of crap?

Most politicians are. You can tell by their suspicious reactions, evasive behavior, and all the negative campaign ads that we taxpayers have had to tolerate over the last year. Add a lot of media fuel to the fire and it is down-right disgusting fodder.

That is the problem artist, Sam Mahon, solved by himself when he created the artwork for an upcoming auction. We need more people like him in America.

Mahon was upset with the former New Zealand Environmental Minister, Nick Smith, for being too lenient with local dairy farmers regarding pollution. So, he gathered cow dung from the farmer’s land, ground it, added resin and created a mold in which he pressed the combined mixture into a bust of Minister Smith. He polished it off with an outer coating of beeswax, so it wouldn’t smell.

"The sculpture has a hollow head, which is very fitting. It is highly polished and sits on the stand slightly to the right of center," the artist told reporters. "Excuse the pun, but I would describe it as crap art," he added.

The sculpture generated 112 bids on a local auction website and raised $2,220.00 ($3,080NZ).

Mahon said that he will use the proceeds to clean up waterways that have been polluted with sludge from the dairy farms near his home.

In America, we would use only bullshit.

To order my book “Sitting on Cold Porcelain” for $2.99 (less than a gallon of gas) click here SMASHWORDS, it is in all digital formats: Kindle, Nook, eBook, Sony, PDF, etc.

Also follow me on Twitter: @rosevalenta
and Facebook: Rose A. Valenta