Femininity is certainly a controversial issue. And here on Seraphic Singles, whenever an issue seems particularly controversial, and feelings are high, I write about it again.
Femininity is controversial firstly because social codes of femininity have been used--and still are (burkha, spike heels) used to restrict women's freedoms and flourishing. It is controversial secondly because if we don't measure up to someone else's standard of femininity we tend to take it personally. At Mass on Sunday, our priest extolled motherhood and condemned how some today actually hate motherhood and I felt all very sorry for myself because I'm not pregnant yet and what's with that?
Anyway, I thought to myself later, how did this turn into a "How to Get Guys" blog? Beyond the part-self-help book, part-Catholic-anthropology, part-learning-from-mistakes philosophical mishmash that my group of friends collectively known as Les Girls and I concocted, what do I know? Mostly what I know is how to avoid Mr Wrong and how to spot other women's Mr Wrongs in those women's honest emails to Auntie Seraphic.
How not to scare Mr Right away, I think I have a good handle on. But as to finding Mr Right, that I leave to God. Let go, I say, and let God. The only three great truths about men-in-general in this area that I grasp with both hands are that 1. Men will work for what/who they really want; 2. Men are terrified of marrying the wrong woman; 3. Men prefer women to look like what they think "women" look like; fortunately there is quite a lot of variety here.
If you are a happy Single, and do not give a flying fish what men think women should look like, then you are free, free, free as a bird to ignore what men prefer. And why not? Go take a look at a modern-style nun, the kind with no habit. How does she dress? And how short is her hair, eh? I know umpteen modern-style nuns, and they all have short hair. And they love pantsuits. If you are wondering who is keeping the pantsuit makers in business, it is thousands and thousands of modern-style nuns over 60, bless them. And one thing you can say about nuns, ancient and modern, is that they rightly have zero interest in attracting men.
Two of my favourite modern-style nuns are not very feminine. I love them, and they could kill a rude man at ten paces with a glance from their nunly eyes, and they are not very feminine. I know feminine nuns, but these ones aren't. They are sharp-talking and loud and raucous. They love football, which they watch on TV. They wear trousers in and out of season. If you handed them a row of false eyelashes, they would take it outside and lay it on the porch to run free, since they could only assume it was an unusual new spider.
They have their Rule, their devotions, their convent, their household rituals, their paid employment, their other ministries, their lefty theologies, their responsibilities to the oldest sisters away in the nursing home, their holiday cottage. They have an amazing way of life. I could have shared their amazing way of life because they asked me, and I am very proud of that, but I just couldn't.
I couldn't, not just because I couldn't be a modern-style nun, but because it would just about kill me to cut my hair short, cutting my hair short meaning that it was over between me and men-as-caffeine-in-the-cappuccino-of-life forever. And indeed, that is why old-style nuns originally had their hair cut: it was THE sign that they were permanently unavailable. Buddhist nuns shave their heads, too.
Meanwhile, I know non-nun Single women who are equally as uninterested in attracting men. They live make-up free, cute-shoe free, skirt free, short-haired existences, and they have beautiful lives. They have their jobs, their hobbies, their pets, their friends (men and women), and nobody could care less that they can't flirt their way out of paper bags. It just doesn't matter.
St. Augustine, when contemplating which female lives were best, rated Permanent Virginity (proto-nun life) first, then Marriage next, because married women have to looking pleasing to only one man, and then Unmarried But Wanting To Get Married dead last because those women have to look pleasing to many men, which St. Augustine thought terrible.
My Searching Single readers may say "Thanks for nothing, St. Augustine," but perhaps this will cheer Serious Single readers who wonder if there is anything wrong with them for not being at all interested in men-as-caffeine, and prefering a quiet, busy life of comfortable shoes, Pears soap and cats.
And of course there isn't. It seems like a marvellous way of life to me. Perhaps when B.A. shuffles off this mortal coil, I'll live that way, too. When arthritis hits, I'll have to cut my hair anyway. But for the time being, I will continue wearing cute shoes and mascara, not only because B.A. likes them but also because other men seem to, and if St. Augustine thinks that is simply appalling, then I can only grovel and say "Amen, for, lo, I am a frivolous thing."
UPDATE: EEEK! Viking hordes from The Crescat! Welcome, welcome! Buy my book for Christmas! IF you have one, buy one for your buddy! Buy two! There's a special one for Americans, protecting you from Canadian spelling conventions! Special Inside American Version: an imprimi potest!
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Monday, 6 December 2010
Guest Post on Game
Today we have a guest post from "Alias Clio" a long-term reader who married one of her own readers this year. Knowing that she has written a lot on the subject, I asked her to write about Game.
Once upon a time, mothers and aunts and just about every woman older than you thought it was our job to warn you about men's wicked ways. Most older women don't seem to like doing that anymore; I, frankly, love it. I love men, but some are rats, just as some have always been rats. And it still boggles my mind how fluently and easily the rats lie about stuff no woman I know would ever lie about. And you know, there's something about a seminarian inviting you back to his room at 1 AM that adds a note of cynicism into a girl's cheery outlook on life.
Meanwhile, the goal of warnings is not to scare you to death, but just to encourage you to be observant and to remember that not all the men you meet are good men, no matter how cute they may be.
Without more ado here is Alias Clio on Game.
GAME by Alias Clio
What is Game?
Game, which goes by many names, is a strategy for increasing men's ability to communicate dominance in social settings. Its ultimate goal is to help men secure sexual partners or a mate by assuming the aura of untroubled ease possessed by self-confident "alpha" males. Although a skill some men possess intuitively ("naturals"), and others learn by imitation, it has become big business in the last 15 years. Those who have acquired the skill are often known as pick-up artists (PUAs).
Vanity is of the Devil
Seraphic has asked me to write about Game, and her wish is my command. But let me be clear about something: Few women suffered as much from Game-players as I did before I got married. Contemplating this truth over the years, I at last came to the conclusion that it was vanity, more than anything else, that put me in harm's way. It isn't that I or most Game victims are exceptionally sure of ourselves, as that we tend to suffer from a strange mixture of vanity and insecurity, the kind of vanity, I mean, that is always looking for outside validation. Without this combination, we would be much less vulnerable to the kind of Game which is intended to exploit these qualities and which is most likely to lead victims to misery or humiliation.
That said, do you really have to worry? After all, surely nice Catholic boys aren't going to have heard of Game, let alone try it out on nice Catholic girls? Well, first, stories of Game's success at attracting desirable women – young, pretty, and unspoilt – have spread around the world. Even the nicest Catholic boys are not immune to such rumours. Two, bear in mind that many men would like to marry a virgin and will seek them out in churches and similar venues. I wish to make it clear that I'm not hostile to Game as such: I think that, like The Rules, it can provide an essential boost to men's self-confidence, aside from the fact that it's more honest about female nature in general than society has taught young men to be. Still, some Game-players – not all – are quite indifferent to the happiness or well-being of their victims, and it's wise to be aware of their existence and their tactics.
Taxonomy of Game
I don't intend here to describe the details of Game techniques. There are many books on the subject (try The Mystery Method) for those who are curious about things like "negs", "wingmen", "social proof", and the like. What I want to do is describe the several unexpected avenues – or should I say the disguises - by which a cunning Game-player might approach a nice Catholic Girl in the hope of winning her over. These aren't so much descriptions of Game's tactics as of the way the tactics can be used to mislead or deceive. Game, as I observed at the start, is all about the display of social dominance. The types of dominance I describe below are largely in the moral realm, rather than financial or social , though I have included a short description of 2 types of intellectual game. I believe that these are all especially likely to be effective on [devout] Catholic women.
1. Intellectual Game:
Sizing you up, a Game-player will have deduced in advance that you aren't interested in the frivolities that move other women. He will make great capital out of this, subtly mocking the less intelligent and indicating the superiority of your shared tastes – all while never complimenting you directly. This is one of the less deadly forms of Game, as it tends to work only on would-be intellectuals who need a little boost in their confidence. But it is potent enough that it helps a few professors marry their students every year.
2. Complexity Game:
Some game-players, conscious that the above approach risks landing them the dullest and least attractive of the women available to them, will try a more complex version of Intellectual Game. They will take note of a woman's careful dressing, and the fact that she is carrying a copy of – for instance – Lolita, and recognise that she is not trying for a one-note image. In negging you, a wise Gamester might say something like, "Love the boots! But isn't Nabokov a little obvious?"
3. Heart Game:
A man will claim to have been so overwhelmed by your beauty/brains/personality that he can think of nothing else. How can you hurt him?
This is a tactic to which "nice" girls are particularly vulnerable: the approach that is so over-the-top that, when combined with a little humour and a little skill in the making of compliments, it can overwhelm you into suspending your better judgment, and keep you hooked in the belief that he would be so hurt if you left him. Great skill is needed to pull this one off, or the man can appear to be wimpy, or a stalker. But even less skilled purveyors have used the "I will be so hurt if you leave me" suggestion to their advantage; it's just not as likely to work for them, since any hint of whininess tends to drive most women away.
4. White Liberal Guilt Game:
You may not be a liberal. You may not be white. But if you have had a standard education at a state school, the chances are you suffer from white liberal guilt, a quality that can make you a sitting duck for a clever Game-player (and for actual crooks, but that's another story). A Gamer might exploit it by emphasizing his race ("Here comes the white-bread chick!"); his relative financial deprivation ("Boy, must be nice to take the good things of life for granted...."); his working-class origins ("Aren't we posh!"); even his homosexual orientation. (Er, yes, that did actually happen to me. Don't ask.) He might also emphasize his "bad boy" qualities, and hint that you are mean or bitchy or prejudiced for rejecting him on such grounds. This is particularly clever, since many nice girls are drawn to bad boys in spite of themselves, and this approach guarantees that they can catch you coming or going. A really skilled Game-player can use guilt both to draw you in and push you away, and then draw you back in again.
5. Catholic Guilt Game:
Men who live and work in Catholic circles will adjust their Game to appeal to the kind of women they encounter there. The approach will probably vary depending on the level of education of both the Game-player and his victim, but some of the common themes will include references to children, your age, not leading men on, and the hint that you might just not be feminine enough to hold on to a man if you have not married by some arbitrary age. I haven't encountered this much myself, so it's possible that I may be unaware of its permutations and subtleties, but by all accounts, it's both vicious and effective. [Seraphic's Note: I have encountered this, and yes, it is certainly both vicious and effective.]
6. Other Women Game
Potentially effective on any woman of whatever status. Convince a woman she has many rivals but is somehow special to the Game-player and she may well linger in the face of flagrant infidelity. Even the most beautiful and sexually successful women can be won over by this approach (Diana Mosley, anyone?), so don't feel too stupid if it has momentarily captured you. Just walk away. Incidentally, this approach – allowing a woman to know about her rivals, even if they're not real – is known to Game-boys as providing oneself with "social proof". It is unfortunate that women are more likely to find a man attractive if he has been given a stamp of approval by other women.
Millions of men who attempt Game and would not consider using the particular tactics I outline here. They are likely to be working on women who are neither traditionally Catholic, nor sexually virtuous, and thus have an entirely different set of priorities. But the kind of man to whom a nice Catholic girl is likely to be vulnerable is probably not driving a Ferrari or boasting of the size of his income, so you don't have to worry about those fellows. The techniques I've described are the kind to which well-intentioned, self-consciously "nice" women, who nevertheless are unsure of themselves in some way, may fall victim.
Thank you very much, Clio!
Once upon a time, mothers and aunts and just about every woman older than you thought it was our job to warn you about men's wicked ways. Most older women don't seem to like doing that anymore; I, frankly, love it. I love men, but some are rats, just as some have always been rats. And it still boggles my mind how fluently and easily the rats lie about stuff no woman I know would ever lie about. And you know, there's something about a seminarian inviting you back to his room at 1 AM that adds a note of cynicism into a girl's cheery outlook on life.
Meanwhile, the goal of warnings is not to scare you to death, but just to encourage you to be observant and to remember that not all the men you meet are good men, no matter how cute they may be.
Without more ado here is Alias Clio on Game.
GAME by Alias Clio
What is Game?
Game, which goes by many names, is a strategy for increasing men's ability to communicate dominance in social settings. Its ultimate goal is to help men secure sexual partners or a mate by assuming the aura of untroubled ease possessed by self-confident "alpha" males. Although a skill some men possess intuitively ("naturals"), and others learn by imitation, it has become big business in the last 15 years. Those who have acquired the skill are often known as pick-up artists (PUAs).
Vanity is of the Devil
Seraphic has asked me to write about Game, and her wish is my command. But let me be clear about something: Few women suffered as much from Game-players as I did before I got married. Contemplating this truth over the years, I at last came to the conclusion that it was vanity, more than anything else, that put me in harm's way. It isn't that I or most Game victims are exceptionally sure of ourselves, as that we tend to suffer from a strange mixture of vanity and insecurity, the kind of vanity, I mean, that is always looking for outside validation. Without this combination, we would be much less vulnerable to the kind of Game which is intended to exploit these qualities and which is most likely to lead victims to misery or humiliation.
That said, do you really have to worry? After all, surely nice Catholic boys aren't going to have heard of Game, let alone try it out on nice Catholic girls? Well, first, stories of Game's success at attracting desirable women – young, pretty, and unspoilt – have spread around the world. Even the nicest Catholic boys are not immune to such rumours. Two, bear in mind that many men would like to marry a virgin and will seek them out in churches and similar venues. I wish to make it clear that I'm not hostile to Game as such: I think that, like The Rules, it can provide an essential boost to men's self-confidence, aside from the fact that it's more honest about female nature in general than society has taught young men to be. Still, some Game-players – not all – are quite indifferent to the happiness or well-being of their victims, and it's wise to be aware of their existence and their tactics.
Taxonomy of Game
I don't intend here to describe the details of Game techniques. There are many books on the subject (try The Mystery Method) for those who are curious about things like "negs", "wingmen", "social proof", and the like. What I want to do is describe the several unexpected avenues – or should I say the disguises - by which a cunning Game-player might approach a nice Catholic Girl in the hope of winning her over. These aren't so much descriptions of Game's tactics as of the way the tactics can be used to mislead or deceive. Game, as I observed at the start, is all about the display of social dominance. The types of dominance I describe below are largely in the moral realm, rather than financial or social , though I have included a short description of 2 types of intellectual game. I believe that these are all especially likely to be effective on [devout] Catholic women.
1. Intellectual Game:
Sizing you up, a Game-player will have deduced in advance that you aren't interested in the frivolities that move other women. He will make great capital out of this, subtly mocking the less intelligent and indicating the superiority of your shared tastes – all while never complimenting you directly. This is one of the less deadly forms of Game, as it tends to work only on would-be intellectuals who need a little boost in their confidence. But it is potent enough that it helps a few professors marry their students every year.
2. Complexity Game:
Some game-players, conscious that the above approach risks landing them the dullest and least attractive of the women available to them, will try a more complex version of Intellectual Game. They will take note of a woman's careful dressing, and the fact that she is carrying a copy of – for instance – Lolita, and recognise that she is not trying for a one-note image. In negging you, a wise Gamester might say something like, "Love the boots! But isn't Nabokov a little obvious?"
3. Heart Game:
A man will claim to have been so overwhelmed by your beauty/brains/personality that he can think of nothing else. How can you hurt him?
This is a tactic to which "nice" girls are particularly vulnerable: the approach that is so over-the-top that, when combined with a little humour and a little skill in the making of compliments, it can overwhelm you into suspending your better judgment, and keep you hooked in the belief that he would be so hurt if you left him. Great skill is needed to pull this one off, or the man can appear to be wimpy, or a stalker. But even less skilled purveyors have used the "I will be so hurt if you leave me" suggestion to their advantage; it's just not as likely to work for them, since any hint of whininess tends to drive most women away.
4. White Liberal Guilt Game:
You may not be a liberal. You may not be white. But if you have had a standard education at a state school, the chances are you suffer from white liberal guilt, a quality that can make you a sitting duck for a clever Game-player (and for actual crooks, but that's another story). A Gamer might exploit it by emphasizing his race ("Here comes the white-bread chick!"); his relative financial deprivation ("Boy, must be nice to take the good things of life for granted...."); his working-class origins ("Aren't we posh!"); even his homosexual orientation. (Er, yes, that did actually happen to me. Don't ask.) He might also emphasize his "bad boy" qualities, and hint that you are mean or bitchy or prejudiced for rejecting him on such grounds. This is particularly clever, since many nice girls are drawn to bad boys in spite of themselves, and this approach guarantees that they can catch you coming or going. A really skilled Game-player can use guilt both to draw you in and push you away, and then draw you back in again.
5. Catholic Guilt Game:
Men who live and work in Catholic circles will adjust their Game to appeal to the kind of women they encounter there. The approach will probably vary depending on the level of education of both the Game-player and his victim, but some of the common themes will include references to children, your age, not leading men on, and the hint that you might just not be feminine enough to hold on to a man if you have not married by some arbitrary age. I haven't encountered this much myself, so it's possible that I may be unaware of its permutations and subtleties, but by all accounts, it's both vicious and effective. [Seraphic's Note: I have encountered this, and yes, it is certainly both vicious and effective.]
6. Other Women Game
Potentially effective on any woman of whatever status. Convince a woman she has many rivals but is somehow special to the Game-player and she may well linger in the face of flagrant infidelity. Even the most beautiful and sexually successful women can be won over by this approach (Diana Mosley, anyone?), so don't feel too stupid if it has momentarily captured you. Just walk away. Incidentally, this approach – allowing a woman to know about her rivals, even if they're not real – is known to Game-boys as providing oneself with "social proof". It is unfortunate that women are more likely to find a man attractive if he has been given a stamp of approval by other women.
Millions of men who attempt Game and would not consider using the particular tactics I outline here. They are likely to be working on women who are neither traditionally Catholic, nor sexually virtuous, and thus have an entirely different set of priorities. But the kind of man to whom a nice Catholic girl is likely to be vulnerable is probably not driving a Ferrari or boasting of the size of his income, so you don't have to worry about those fellows. The techniques I've described are the kind to which well-intentioned, self-consciously "nice" women, who nevertheless are unsure of themselves in some way, may fall victim.
Thank you very much, Clio!
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Feminine Touches
"You are a very feminine woman," said my shrink, who was a woman.
"Say what?" I said. "What do you mean?! I'm a boxer. I have muscles on my muscles."
"Look at the clothes you are wearing," said my shrink, and lo, looking down I saw that I was wearing a tight blue mediaeval shirt with ruffled sleeves, a long black velvet skirt and cute boots.
I guess I was a very feminine woman, although I certainly didn't act like it. The joy of my life was working out at the Y in the morning and at the boxing ring in the evening, and I never ate fun things like chocolate or chips. I was bursting with as much natural testosterone as a normal woman can have, and it is almost a miracle I didn't get into fistfights with women in dance clubs. And I thought nothing of asking guys out, especially guys at work. Ay, me.
I was super-competent: I had a great salary, I almost bench my weight, I sparred with men in the ring, I paid half on dates. It makes me sad, now, thinking of how I paid half on dates. Very, very sad. That stopped when, thanks to tendonitis, I quit my great job. When I got another job, I made WAY less than my eventual (long since ex-) boyfriend, so he paid for dinners out. And, amazingly, I was not stoned to death by feminists in the street. Meanwhile, eventual (long since ex-) boyfriend enjoyed paying for the dinners out. I think it made him feel useful. Men love to feel useful.
My favourite movie back then was Girlfight, but (to ruin the ending) there is no way Michelle Rodriguez could beat her boyfriend in a boxing match and still be his girlfriend afterwards. I am laughing just thinking about it. Wa ha ha ha ha! A man can beat his best friend in a boxing match and, unless the friend is Ernest Hemingway, they can be closer friends than ever. A woman cannot beat her boyfriend in a boxing match and expect love to conquer all: he will be hu-mil-i-a-ted!
Although at least they are not dying in war or in factory accidents as rapidly as they used to, men are not doing too well right now. Masculinity itself has been under attack from several quarters for decades. And meanwhile the old battle for supremacy among men is still going on. The major difference is that women have joined in.
Somehow women got the idea that to flourish like men, we ought to be like men, so we take great pride in being able to beat men at stuff they are supposed to be good at. However, our victory is shortlived when we discovered that this does not make men like us very much. This is confusing because it always works out in the movies.
It turns out that in real life, men who like women prefer women who look and act like women. If we have been telling ourselves that we are better than that, it comes as a bit of a shock. Another shock is that men don't always like hanging out with women 24/7, no matter how much we know about sports and politics. Sometimes guys just want to hang out with the guys. In The Whole Woman, Germaine Greer is very witty on the subject.
I love lists, so here is a random list on how to emphasize your femininity in a way that makes men feel better about being men post-1970.
1. When in doubt, get a man to do it. Stop taking lids off jars. Sure, if you work at it hard enough, you can get the damn lid off. But if you get a man to do it, the jar will probably be open faster, and he will feel a sense of accomplishment. Caveat: avoid asking a married man to do anything for you, or his missus might have something to say about it.
2. Smile and say thank you when a man opens the door for you. Take the seat when he offers it. Smile and say thank you again.
3. Develop and emphasize mysterious feminine rituals. Make an appointment for a pedicure, and announce it at large. This will create a sense of sisterhood in fellow women and a sense of mystery in men. They might not even know what a pedicure is.
4. Wear cute shoes. Men notice cute shoes. I don't know why they do, but they do. If you can do so without damage, wear shoes with heels. Men don't wear shoes with heels.
5. If you love or even play a violent sport, don't tell men about it. No matter how cool they say it is, they are all wondering if you could beat them in a fight. This is not a thought you ever want an attractive man to have about you. Your love of boxing is definitely not something to bring up on a first date, and I know what I'm talking about.
6. It would not kill you to wear a skirt. Wear skirts. Especially to church. And if the language of your church service is Latin, it would not kill you to wear a lace mantilla. Nothing says, "Hello, I am a Nice Catholic Girl" like a lace mantilla. If you are never-married, wear a white one. If you are married, wear a black one. If you are ex-married, be creative. Navy blue is nice.
7. Wear make-up. Men say they prefer women to look 100% natural. They are wrong.
8. Grow your hair. Don't cut it the second you turn 40. There is no law you have to do that. If it drags down your face, pile it on top of your head.
9. Arrange girl-only events, and publicize them, too. Never complain when men arrange guy-only events. These girl-only events should be parties, not attempts to seize power and rule the world.
10. Never complain about men when men are around. It's rude, and they take it personally.
11. Never say you like men better than women. It's bad psychology, and makes you sound like you'd rather be a man. And most of the time, men like women better than men. Offered a choice between living in a monastery and living on a desert island with women alone, men would take the desert island 98-99% of the time. Not included in this figure are men already living in monasteries. Leave the monks alone.
12. Fat is feminine. If you really are obese, then you must talk to a doctor about this. (Obviously, I am not a doctor.) But if you are not obese, and just feel badly about your curves, then I suggest you find a belly-dancing class. At least search the web for pictures of plus-sized stars and models.
Incidentally, the British media is a lot more open to the reality of feminine fat than the Canadian or American. I see women in TV ads here I would NEVER see on Canadian TV.
For more reactionary yelling about make-up and hair, see my infamous "How To Look Like a Catholic Girl." Don't copy the whole thing and paste it to your icky $15/month dating websites, like one poor girl did, presumably to make the boys who got angry when she copied and pasted "How To Seem Like a Nice Catholic Boy" like her again. In the midst of the psychodrama (in which the girl, now scraping, pasted my photo inviting the boys to make fun of it), I called my lawyer, which made the owners of the dating website sad.
Update: I see that I am more conservative on "HTLLACG" than I am now. Look, I think you can get away with blatantly sexy maybe once or at most twice a year. This startling volte-face comes courtesy of B.A. who actually thought I looked good dressed as a Katie-Price wannabe on Hallowe'en.
"Say what?" I said. "What do you mean?! I'm a boxer. I have muscles on my muscles."
"Look at the clothes you are wearing," said my shrink, and lo, looking down I saw that I was wearing a tight blue mediaeval shirt with ruffled sleeves, a long black velvet skirt and cute boots.
I guess I was a very feminine woman, although I certainly didn't act like it. The joy of my life was working out at the Y in the morning and at the boxing ring in the evening, and I never ate fun things like chocolate or chips. I was bursting with as much natural testosterone as a normal woman can have, and it is almost a miracle I didn't get into fistfights with women in dance clubs. And I thought nothing of asking guys out, especially guys at work. Ay, me.
I was super-competent: I had a great salary, I almost bench my weight, I sparred with men in the ring, I paid half on dates. It makes me sad, now, thinking of how I paid half on dates. Very, very sad. That stopped when, thanks to tendonitis, I quit my great job. When I got another job, I made WAY less than my eventual (long since ex-) boyfriend, so he paid for dinners out. And, amazingly, I was not stoned to death by feminists in the street. Meanwhile, eventual (long since ex-) boyfriend enjoyed paying for the dinners out. I think it made him feel useful. Men love to feel useful.
My favourite movie back then was Girlfight, but (to ruin the ending) there is no way Michelle Rodriguez could beat her boyfriend in a boxing match and still be his girlfriend afterwards. I am laughing just thinking about it. Wa ha ha ha ha! A man can beat his best friend in a boxing match and, unless the friend is Ernest Hemingway, they can be closer friends than ever. A woman cannot beat her boyfriend in a boxing match and expect love to conquer all: he will be hu-mil-i-a-ted!
Although at least they are not dying in war or in factory accidents as rapidly as they used to, men are not doing too well right now. Masculinity itself has been under attack from several quarters for decades. And meanwhile the old battle for supremacy among men is still going on. The major difference is that women have joined in.
Somehow women got the idea that to flourish like men, we ought to be like men, so we take great pride in being able to beat men at stuff they are supposed to be good at. However, our victory is shortlived when we discovered that this does not make men like us very much. This is confusing because it always works out in the movies.
It turns out that in real life, men who like women prefer women who look and act like women. If we have been telling ourselves that we are better than that, it comes as a bit of a shock. Another shock is that men don't always like hanging out with women 24/7, no matter how much we know about sports and politics. Sometimes guys just want to hang out with the guys. In The Whole Woman, Germaine Greer is very witty on the subject.
I love lists, so here is a random list on how to emphasize your femininity in a way that makes men feel better about being men post-1970.
1. When in doubt, get a man to do it. Stop taking lids off jars. Sure, if you work at it hard enough, you can get the damn lid off. But if you get a man to do it, the jar will probably be open faster, and he will feel a sense of accomplishment. Caveat: avoid asking a married man to do anything for you, or his missus might have something to say about it.
2. Smile and say thank you when a man opens the door for you. Take the seat when he offers it. Smile and say thank you again.
3. Develop and emphasize mysterious feminine rituals. Make an appointment for a pedicure, and announce it at large. This will create a sense of sisterhood in fellow women and a sense of mystery in men. They might not even know what a pedicure is.
4. Wear cute shoes. Men notice cute shoes. I don't know why they do, but they do. If you can do so without damage, wear shoes with heels. Men don't wear shoes with heels.
5. If you love or even play a violent sport, don't tell men about it. No matter how cool they say it is, they are all wondering if you could beat them in a fight. This is not a thought you ever want an attractive man to have about you. Your love of boxing is definitely not something to bring up on a first date, and I know what I'm talking about.
6. It would not kill you to wear a skirt. Wear skirts. Especially to church. And if the language of your church service is Latin, it would not kill you to wear a lace mantilla. Nothing says, "Hello, I am a Nice Catholic Girl" like a lace mantilla. If you are never-married, wear a white one. If you are married, wear a black one. If you are ex-married, be creative. Navy blue is nice.
7. Wear make-up. Men say they prefer women to look 100% natural. They are wrong.
8. Grow your hair. Don't cut it the second you turn 40. There is no law you have to do that. If it drags down your face, pile it on top of your head.
9. Arrange girl-only events, and publicize them, too. Never complain when men arrange guy-only events. These girl-only events should be parties, not attempts to seize power and rule the world.
10. Never complain about men when men are around. It's rude, and they take it personally.
11. Never say you like men better than women. It's bad psychology, and makes you sound like you'd rather be a man. And most of the time, men like women better than men. Offered a choice between living in a monastery and living on a desert island with women alone, men would take the desert island 98-99% of the time. Not included in this figure are men already living in monasteries. Leave the monks alone.
12. Fat is feminine. If you really are obese, then you must talk to a doctor about this. (Obviously, I am not a doctor.) But if you are not obese, and just feel badly about your curves, then I suggest you find a belly-dancing class. At least search the web for pictures of plus-sized stars and models.
Incidentally, the British media is a lot more open to the reality of feminine fat than the Canadian or American. I see women in TV ads here I would NEVER see on Canadian TV.
For more reactionary yelling about make-up and hair, see my infamous "How To Look Like a Catholic Girl." Don't copy the whole thing and paste it to your icky $15/month dating websites, like one poor girl did, presumably to make the boys who got angry when she copied and pasted "How To Seem Like a Nice Catholic Boy" like her again. In the midst of the psychodrama (in which the girl, now scraping, pasted my photo inviting the boys to make fun of it), I called my lawyer, which made the owners of the dating website sad.
Update: I see that I am more conservative on "HTLLACG" than I am now. Look, I think you can get away with blatantly sexy maybe once or at most twice a year. This startling volte-face comes courtesy of B.A. who actually thought I looked good dressed as a Katie-Price wannabe on Hallowe'en.
Friday, 3 December 2010
Don't Bother Trying to Improve Them
I have been writing advice all morning, which is so against my M.Div. training, I am ashamed. However, we all know I'm not in ministry but in bloggery, so I guess that's not so bad.
Now I am seriously in a spill-my-guts mood, so now I shall write in a way that may ruffle the feathers of my few male readers, although frankly I am delighted that I still have male readers and of course men are the caffeine in the cappuccino of life.
When I was Single, I was a little more careful about not saying bad things about men. At least, I think I was. My publisher, being a man, was shocked and shaken by some of the things I say about men in my book. (By the way, have you bought all your friends copies of my book for Christmas yet, and if not, why not, eh?) Men look tough, but inside they are tender plants, or so my mother always said.
When you say "Sometimes I really hate men" they take it personally. In fact, sometimes when you say "Men are the caffeine in the cappuccino of life," they take that personally, too, and wail, "Why not something more nutritious?"
For nutrition, I talk to women, cuddle babies or read books. For that old black magic, that zip, that bit of what-gets-you-through the day, that caffeine, I banter with the man I married not because he was a great earner or whatever (and FWIW he has no car), but because he is sexy, amusing and good. "Ah, your poor wife! I pity her. At least with my Paddy, if I've nothing to eat, I've got something to look at" as the stroppy Catholic Belfast wifie said to the British soldier.
Personally, I like men not because they can do math or whatever but because they are taller than me, and have broader shoulders, and have to shave their faces, and often have growly voices. When they can do cool stuff, stuff women can or could do, too, if they got around to it, like build houses or paint portraits or dance the Gay Gordon, I am full of additional admiration.
I couldn't give a tinker's damn how much money they have or what car they drive. I have a husband; their money is no good to me. My chief social interest in men is whether they amuse me or not. If they write to me asking for advice, then I will do my best to advise them, my brothers in Christ, but in general I leave men-in-general alone to get on with their job of being men.
I have absolutely zero interest in actively investing in the improvement of specific men. I know that there are women who feel that it is their duty to give men friends unasked for advice and admonishment and fraternal correction, but if they are Single and wish to marry one day, I think they are shooting themselves in the high-heeled foot.
My mother never seems to say a cross word to my father; normally she tells him that he is clever, and my childhood echoed with "O children, what a clever man your father is!" This brainwashed us into thinking our dad was The Best Man on Earth, which he sort of is, and it brainwashed me into thinking that the best way to deal with husbands is to praise them all the time. My husband seems to like this. He flourishes. My father flourishes, too. Like plants.
The thing is, though, both my father and my husband are clever, good and worthy of praise. So are my brothers. I suppose they must have their bad points, but I generally ignore them, unless they affect me immediately and directly, and then I squawk.
To sum up, I think Single women should retain a slight reserve around Single men. IF you want to get married one day, flirt with Single men like crazy, but don't give them advice or critique unless they ask. Unsolicited advice is for aunties, and spontaneous critique is for mothers, older sisters and, as a last resort, wives. I also think you should marry only that man it would not choke you to praise all the time, and who would appreciate your praise. Of course, this might be specific to women who were brought up the way I was brought up. Possibly there are other viable methods to the Care and Feeding of Husbands.
Men are not women. I think they're more like trees. And I love trees. Give the sound ones lots of sun and nourishment, avoid nicking their roots with the lawnmower and don't bother talking to them about their flaws. If they're that flawed, beware of falling branches, and find a sounder tree to hug.
Now I am seriously in a spill-my-guts mood, so now I shall write in a way that may ruffle the feathers of my few male readers, although frankly I am delighted that I still have male readers and of course men are the caffeine in the cappuccino of life.
When I was Single, I was a little more careful about not saying bad things about men. At least, I think I was. My publisher, being a man, was shocked and shaken by some of the things I say about men in my book. (By the way, have you bought all your friends copies of my book for Christmas yet, and if not, why not, eh?) Men look tough, but inside they are tender plants, or so my mother always said.
When you say "Sometimes I really hate men" they take it personally. In fact, sometimes when you say "Men are the caffeine in the cappuccino of life," they take that personally, too, and wail, "Why not something more nutritious?"
For nutrition, I talk to women, cuddle babies or read books. For that old black magic, that zip, that bit of what-gets-you-through the day, that caffeine, I banter with the man I married not because he was a great earner or whatever (and FWIW he has no car), but because he is sexy, amusing and good. "Ah, your poor wife! I pity her. At least with my Paddy, if I've nothing to eat, I've got something to look at" as the stroppy Catholic Belfast wifie said to the British soldier.
Personally, I like men not because they can do math or whatever but because they are taller than me, and have broader shoulders, and have to shave their faces, and often have growly voices. When they can do cool stuff, stuff women can or could do, too, if they got around to it, like build houses or paint portraits or dance the Gay Gordon, I am full of additional admiration.
I couldn't give a tinker's damn how much money they have or what car they drive. I have a husband; their money is no good to me. My chief social interest in men is whether they amuse me or not. If they write to me asking for advice, then I will do my best to advise them, my brothers in Christ, but in general I leave men-in-general alone to get on with their job of being men.
I have absolutely zero interest in actively investing in the improvement of specific men. I know that there are women who feel that it is their duty to give men friends unasked for advice and admonishment and fraternal correction, but if they are Single and wish to marry one day, I think they are shooting themselves in the high-heeled foot.
My mother never seems to say a cross word to my father; normally she tells him that he is clever, and my childhood echoed with "O children, what a clever man your father is!" This brainwashed us into thinking our dad was The Best Man on Earth, which he sort of is, and it brainwashed me into thinking that the best way to deal with husbands is to praise them all the time. My husband seems to like this. He flourishes. My father flourishes, too. Like plants.
The thing is, though, both my father and my husband are clever, good and worthy of praise. So are my brothers. I suppose they must have their bad points, but I generally ignore them, unless they affect me immediately and directly, and then I squawk.
To sum up, I think Single women should retain a slight reserve around Single men. IF you want to get married one day, flirt with Single men like crazy, but don't give them advice or critique unless they ask. Unsolicited advice is for aunties, and spontaneous critique is for mothers, older sisters and, as a last resort, wives. I also think you should marry only that man it would not choke you to praise all the time, and who would appreciate your praise. Of course, this might be specific to women who were brought up the way I was brought up. Possibly there are other viable methods to the Care and Feeding of Husbands.
Men are not women. I think they're more like trees. And I love trees. Give the sound ones lots of sun and nourishment, avoid nicking their roots with the lawnmower and don't bother talking to them about their flaws. If they're that flawed, beware of falling branches, and find a sounder tree to hug.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Good News? Open for Comments
Poppets, it's a snowy Thursday in Scotland. We have CRAZY snow. It's beautiful and, speaking as a Canadian, I love it! Bring on the hot chocolate and the mulled wine!
Now, I am terribly busy because I promised somebody I would do some (cough, cough) housework, so why not chat in the commbox? What good news do you have? If you have no good news, what good news do you hope for in future?
Now, I am terribly busy because I promised somebody I would do some (cough, cough) housework, so why not chat in the commbox? What good news do you have? If you have no good news, what good news do you hope for in future?
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
Courage Apostolate
I've already posted today (see below), but it struck me that I have not stated the obvious for awhile, and it might help someone if I did so: some Single Catholics and other Singles of good will remain unmarried because they are not sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex but to members of their own sex. Some live this out quietly, firm in the conviction that this is a matter between themselves and God alone. Others feel a need to share this truth about themselves, either solely with people in the same boat or with a wider community. Some do their best to live lives of perpetual continence in chastity. Some do not. Those who do not are unlikely to be fans of this blog, however.
Perhaps because the Catholic faith (and sometimes the ordinary Catholic himself) is so bitterly attacked by self-styled gay activists, some Catholics are deeply confused about how to relate to homosexuality. To assist Catholic parents of children with homosexual tendencies, the U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) published a guide called "Always Our Children." I think all Catholics should read it.
There is also an apostolate for Catholics who experience same-sex attractions called Courage. For those who feel a need for the fellowship of people in the same situation, this might be a good organisation with which to get involved.
I regret that tension between the Church and the "gay lobby" makes it very difficult to present special models of holiness to Catholic and other Christian Singles who are sexually attracted to the opposite sex. Some gay activists cynically skim the work of saints like St. John of the Cross and the lives of saints like Blessed John Henry Newman for evidence that they were gay.
These activists have an agenda; I don't have an agenda. But I feel comforted by saints who had struggles like my struggles, and so I think it would be helpful to Catholic singles who are attracted to their own sex to know of famous, faithful Catholics who had the same experience. This is why I have posted the photograph of the great Jesuit poet Gerard Manley Hopkins. It would surprise me very much to learn that he did not, in fact, experience same-sex attractions.
I do not think the same of Blessed John Henry Newman, whose friendship with Fr. St. John has been sniggered over, and having mentioned them, I would like to state again that many Singles find it irksome to be suspected of same-sex attractions themselves, either because they don't have them or because they do have them, but it's nobody's business but their own. The current social obsession with sexual identity and sexual behaviour does not serve human flourishing and makes some of us very unhappy, to say the least. I hit the ceiling whenever the expression "in the closet" is used to describe anyone I know.
At the same time, the experience and struggles of that very small percentage of Single Catholic men and women (and other Singles of good will) who are not attracted to members of the opposite sex certainly deserve to be acknowledged on a blog for Singles. So here I am, once again, waving from my office, saying "Hello!" to those readers, known and unknown, for whom I especially wrote this post.
Auntie Seraphic & Missing Dad Girl
UPDATE for academic Searching Singles here. Sent to us by Berenike. (The cartoon, I mean, not the letter below.)
* * * * * *
Dear Seraphic,
First of all I wanted to say thank you for writing this fabulous blog: it has truly been a blessing in my life. I have been reading your blog since the spring when a friend told me about your book (and, yes, I bought and loved your book too!).
A few years ago I decided to stop dating fellows who didn’t share my Catholic beliefs and consequently haven’t been dating at all since then. I am now 25+ and have recently started dating a NCB I have been friends with for a few months.
You have written in the past about your life being “officially perfect” on first dates. What I am hoping you can help me with is once you go past the first couple of dates. This NCB is from a lovely large practicing Catholic family and my family is in shambles right now. Very briefly, a couple of months ago my father left and I have only recently been on speaking terms with him again.
Because this NCB and I live in different cities and our families live in the same city, he picks me up from my mom’s place when we go out. I have mentioned my Dad before but since he’s no longer at home, he’s never met him. I feel like it will start to seem odd if he never does and I don’t explain. My family situation is not a secret, but at the same time it’s not really general knowledge yet. I do want to explain to all this to this NCB, but I just don’t know if I should yet or how to do so if/when I do. I could really use some advice on what to do in this situation.
Also if you have any thoughts in general on the subject of dealing with envy of lovely, relatively happy, Catholic families (that I am so happy and blessed to know but that I can’t seem to help feeling envious of) I would love to hear them.
Thank you in advance for any advice you have for me.
Missing Dad Girl
Dear Missing Dad Girl
I'm very sorry for the upset in your family. That is very sad, and you must be going through a lot. I hope you have a girl friend or two to confide in.
As far as I can see, there is no reason to mention your father to your NCB right now, no matter how much you may long to do so. So many Catholic families have suffered the loss of the father, either because of divorce or death, that few NCBs of your generation would find it odd that a NCG doesn't have a father at home.
If anything, you must be more careful than ever of what you say and how you act around your new friend. You are feeling very sad and betrayed by a man who was supposed to put his family before himelf, and now you are dating a man. Time after time, women try to "fix" a situation with their father through the men they date, especially by pushing for emotional intimacy too soon.
I think you should discuss your feelings about your father with someone, but not the NCB for at least a few more months. If it helps, think of your time with him as a holiday from your sadness about your family situation. If there is a "Catholic Family Services" in your area, you might want to call them and arrange an appointment with a counsellor for yourself. If this is impractical, I suggest making an appointment with your favourite priest.
As for envy of families, there is a difference between real, wicked envy (e.g. that thinks no-one should have a happy family because you don't) and longing for a Good. You are just longing for a Good, and that is more than okay. That is perfectly natural and, in fact, good. Along with basking in the warmth of families of friends, you can pray that you are a light to your own, broken family, and do your best to make life easier for your mother and your siblings, if you have any. (If some of your siblings are awful to you, it might be best to avoid them for now.)
Pain and disappointment about families is very acute for people in the holiday season, and Christmas is coming. So be very gentle with yourself and your family this month, and know that it will not always hurt this much.
Being gentle with yourself includes prudence, so do your very best not to unload to your NCB. Unload on girls, a counsellor or a priest instead. Incidentally, in some cultures you never introduce a man to your father until you are practically engaged. And that reminds me: I've never met my father-in-law. He seems to be totally MIA, but B.A., being long used to this, is perfectly cheerful about it.
I hope this is helpful.
Grace and peace,
Seraphic
* * * * * *
Dear Seraphic,
First of all I wanted to say thank you for writing this fabulous blog: it has truly been a blessing in my life. I have been reading your blog since the spring when a friend told me about your book (and, yes, I bought and loved your book too!).
A few years ago I decided to stop dating fellows who didn’t share my Catholic beliefs and consequently haven’t been dating at all since then. I am now 25+ and have recently started dating a NCB I have been friends with for a few months.
You have written in the past about your life being “officially perfect” on first dates. What I am hoping you can help me with is once you go past the first couple of dates. This NCB is from a lovely large practicing Catholic family and my family is in shambles right now. Very briefly, a couple of months ago my father left and I have only recently been on speaking terms with him again.
Because this NCB and I live in different cities and our families live in the same city, he picks me up from my mom’s place when we go out. I have mentioned my Dad before but since he’s no longer at home, he’s never met him. I feel like it will start to seem odd if he never does and I don’t explain. My family situation is not a secret, but at the same time it’s not really general knowledge yet. I do want to explain to all this to this NCB, but I just don’t know if I should yet or how to do so if/when I do. I could really use some advice on what to do in this situation.
Also if you have any thoughts in general on the subject of dealing with envy of lovely, relatively happy, Catholic families (that I am so happy and blessed to know but that I can’t seem to help feeling envious of) I would love to hear them.
Thank you in advance for any advice you have for me.
Missing Dad Girl
Dear Missing Dad Girl
I'm very sorry for the upset in your family. That is very sad, and you must be going through a lot. I hope you have a girl friend or two to confide in.
As far as I can see, there is no reason to mention your father to your NCB right now, no matter how much you may long to do so. So many Catholic families have suffered the loss of the father, either because of divorce or death, that few NCBs of your generation would find it odd that a NCG doesn't have a father at home.
If anything, you must be more careful than ever of what you say and how you act around your new friend. You are feeling very sad and betrayed by a man who was supposed to put his family before himelf, and now you are dating a man. Time after time, women try to "fix" a situation with their father through the men they date, especially by pushing for emotional intimacy too soon.
I think you should discuss your feelings about your father with someone, but not the NCB for at least a few more months. If it helps, think of your time with him as a holiday from your sadness about your family situation. If there is a "Catholic Family Services" in your area, you might want to call them and arrange an appointment with a counsellor for yourself. If this is impractical, I suggest making an appointment with your favourite priest.
As for envy of families, there is a difference between real, wicked envy (e.g. that thinks no-one should have a happy family because you don't) and longing for a Good. You are just longing for a Good, and that is more than okay. That is perfectly natural and, in fact, good. Along with basking in the warmth of families of friends, you can pray that you are a light to your own, broken family, and do your best to make life easier for your mother and your siblings, if you have any. (If some of your siblings are awful to you, it might be best to avoid them for now.)
Pain and disappointment about families is very acute for people in the holiday season, and Christmas is coming. So be very gentle with yourself and your family this month, and know that it will not always hurt this much.
Being gentle with yourself includes prudence, so do your very best not to unload to your NCB. Unload on girls, a counsellor or a priest instead. Incidentally, in some cultures you never introduce a man to your father until you are practically engaged. And that reminds me: I've never met my father-in-law. He seems to be totally MIA, but B.A., being long used to this, is perfectly cheerful about it.
I hope this is helpful.
Grace and peace,
Seraphic
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)