Day 192

Karate. They breathe and stretch. I breathe and sketch. The sounds of the class trigger my desire to draw. After months of sketching as they train, my brain is becoming trained to the association. It wants to draw. Doesn't matter what. It seems better not to plan ahead for this bit. To draw (or write) what comes. To let it flow.









Mini Chill Poppet. Let it flow, let it flow.

Day 190

Here we are, with some friendly (and excellently handsome) Palm Springs Firemen.

Day 163

I tend not to blog when I don't feel I can do it 'well.' I've felt I owed it to you to do this and I've felt for some time that I wasn't offering anything useful. I seem to want to turn everything into art. Yes, it's part of the machine that is me. Just like everyone else, the parts that are best are sometimes the parts that are worst. Silly humans.

I'm stupid in this way. Because really, if I were treating you like the friends you are---and if you continue to show up here, you must be--I'd know that all you really want me to do is show up. Another part of this human, insecurity.

So I'm showing up to say that, well, I'm sorry. What I really want to do for you right now is show up. Because, really, if I owe you anything, it's that.

That said, with shame and possibly blushing, a quick catch up:

Orion and I went to his end of the year school party yesterday. It was really, really hot outside. the fire department showed up.

I photographed a couple of kitties in their little hammock this morning.

I don't know why Blogger is inserting these huge spaces between texts. It's annoying but I have no time to sort it out.

Spencer and I are getting the last of his stuff moved into his place. We feel really good about this. I thought we were done for , but it turns out we're both looking forward to working and playing together---and so very very not living together.

A lot is going on, and under it all, the struggle to survive in this economy. I begin to truly understand the concept of 'being schooled.' I have become a humble and appreciative student.

Please sir, may I have another?

Thanks for putting up with me. I love you for showing up. Not to get too mushy, I point to the banner at the top of this blog. "Idiot" and "stumbles." That makes me smile. In a way, I'm doing exactly what I said I would.

I'm off--back to the day at hand.

Day_____

what the hell? I fell into a hole.
How many times must I fall into and climb out of holes before I learn to dance around them?
Right. As many times as it takes.
g'night

Day 154

I started the day with a murder. I could call it something else. After all, it isn't a person I killed, but a black widow. But it wasn't the sort of situation where I was surprised and stepped on her. It was neat and methodical and even required preparation. I spotted her on a chair outside as I was having coffee. She was magnificent. I'll use her in art. But that's not why I killed her. I killed her because she was in the territory I've claimed for myself, Orion and Soosi (and now kittens, who wouldn't likely survive a bite.)

I've sworn fealty to the mammals. Therefore, the widow must die.

I watched her struggle. I used the smallest kill jar possible to make it faster. I covered her before introducing the acetone so she wouldn't panic. But she struggled a bit. As I said, she was magnificent. I didn't allow myself empathy. The decision was gained in advance, policy set long ago. Like locking the bathroom door, like not cheating. These things we do, we decide in advance and we always do them, without fail. It eliminates the hemming and the hawing. It eliminates mistakes. It leaves room for more important thoughts.

So the spider is dead and I am guilt-free.

It was 106 today. Something like that yesterday. Well, hello reality. This is the true desert, showing up a little late, sneering, sending the last of the snowbirds packing. Ah then. Here we are. How fickle, humans. We get used to things so quickly. I knew the cooler days were simply lingering, but I started to take them for granted too. The boss is back, the the wind is hot, the ground is baking and we've got our edges back.

Good. Because I have work to do and, kittens aside, I can't afford to get too soft.

Tomorrow is for Poppets. Saturday, for painting and writing. Sunday, for me.

Hope your weekend has good edges and soft breaks.

g'night

Day 151

Orion double-advanced and is now the wearer of the orange. It looks good on him. The orange, yes - what's not to love about orange and black? What I mean is the concentration, intensity and 'the zone' that play across his face as he finds his balance, as he 'feels' it. Among my favorite movies are Enter the Dragon, Iron Monkey and Kung-Fu Hustle. Samauri Jack is one of my heros. Right. I know. They are what they are. But you know what I mean. I thought I had at least an appreciation of the martial arts. Until this year, watching these kids train, I didn't really appreciate the beauty of the art on this level. There's something about seeing it from the beginning.
I've seen it before. The look of a human being, learning an art form.
It's a truly beautiful thing.

Today was Tuesday. I got a great deal of work done on a painting for a book project.

I'll be honest with you. I was up at 6:30. Took Orion to school at 7:45. Back by 8. I didn't start until 11. I spent the first part of the morning finishing up some 'have-to's' for PP.
But. I showed up and the work was done.

It's a start. Feels pretty good.
Today, I did what it took.

g'night


Congratulations, Champions!

Day 149

Not so many pretty words today. Plain words. This weekend was for plain stuff and lots of it. Fine if the mood suits. It didn't. I want to write. Again, short term wins. Another attempt at escape velocity last week didn't quite pan out. That won't stop me from trying again. I'm not complaining. Far from it. As day jobs go, making poppets fits me like a glove. There are plenty of days when making poppets doesn't feel like work at all. Fine if the mood suits. Some days you feel like a nut. Sometimes you are.

I did a lot of organizing in the studio. As a result I renewed quite a number of poppet listings on Etsy for those that haven't been seen for awhile. If there's a poppet you missed in the past, tell us and Aubrey or I will see if we have it.

I listened to music and did some thinking. What I thought about is that if I want to finish either book project or larger work, I have to take my own advice and show up. If I can't set aside a week to go off and work, I have to set aside a day, or even half a day at least once a week, then I have to show up, without fail, to work on that specific thing. It's such an easy concept to know, but so hard to put into practice.

Spencer moved more of his things out. The house already seems larger. These changes, rearrangements, seem the perfect time to modify the work schedule. Tuesday.

Can I put Tuesday aside for other work? Tuesday will show up. Will I? I hope so. Either way, I'll let you know and maybe we'll figure something out together. I don't envy myself, being in charge of me.

g'night

Day 147

One hundred and forty seven is a good number. Now, I'm very nearly completely ignorant of numerology.

It's on the list. But I know, without a doubt, that 7 resonates with me. I don't know why and it doesn't matter, at least right now. It's tough for autodidacts--very hard not to pursue everything. One cannot pursue everything, at least, not while pursuing one's 'one thing.'

I have completely forgotten where I was going with this. Please forgive. Hey, at least I showed up.

I've been working in the studio for, um...16 hours. This isn't a thing I can do often but it's a thing that must happen sometimes.

Escape velocity--is where I make sure every poppet is on its way so that I can spend the weekend writing. Writing is the long term, which must wait patiently for the short term. Over and over and over. And, everything I do today frees a bit of swim time with the Orion.

Still, thank you so much. If you didn't collect poppets, I wouldn't be writing. Funny thing, I wouldn't be writing if it weren't for poppets.

I might be punch-drunk now. So I'll take my own advice and shut-the-hell-up.

Amongst all, I photo'd the Mini Bees, played with kitties.

g'night

Day 145

This was the sort of day in which you eat standing up and hardly remember what it was you ate. Was the sort of day where eventually, you believe that if you stop for a moment, you won't be able to keep moving.

It was the sort of day where in the middle of the last errand for milk, the energy suddenly flows out of you and you know you've done enough.

Except to tuck in, kiss goodnight and read just a bit to one who counts on you to keep going, because that's what Frodo would do.

At the end of it, now, it's the sort of end where you're glad to be off your feet, where you know you'll be up at six to start again, and where you're content to be chugging along, alive, the little engine that does things.

And too, there is a kindle of kittens.

g'night

Day 142

It's Saturday evening. Listening to Cage the Elephant and the blender.

It's Saturday evening and Spence and I will have dinner; Mexican, with frozen Margaritas.

We've agreed that living together was a terrible idea.

He's found a place of his own and we've spent several hours sorting things out, amiably and with a great deal of humor.

I get to keep the fridge with the door dispensers. I'll regain the floor hidden under recording equipment and amplifiers.

There were some real rough spots last week, and before. After all was said and done, it was decided that we still had things to learn together, as artists, musicians and old souls.

Apply a bit of W. Edward Deming and we can agree that it's the system that's broken, not the people.

It's Saturday evening. I can live with that.

In my own place.

Kitties all fine. Pictures soon.

g'night

Day 140

Earth Maiden poppets for Summer Solstice had to come in every color. It's all about the light.

These poppets are like Skittles. Taste the rainbow. Or maybe not. Though quite a number of collectors have confessed that they've licked a poppet at some point in time, poppets tell me they tolerate licking, but don't particularly like it. So, I'd keep the poppet tasting to a minimum. Otherwise you may have a poppet coup. If you have a lot of poppets, this could be a problem.

I'm just saying.

Today I sort of swam with Orion. At least I got wet. I'm not as fearless as I was. A year too long out of the water and weather that isn't warming the pool. It will come back if I work at it. And I will.

g'night

Day 139

Bilbo has revealed himself, crawling out of the nest and over the fuzzy mountains seeking adventure. It proved quite a task and after completing his journey, he lay down next to a star and dreamed.


Silly little kitty.




Orion has claimed Bilbo and Aubrey, Mystro.


So far, a very nice professor (poetry) waits for one of the girls. It's possible a kitten will claim me. But something tells me to wait. And see.

Though I haven't mentioned it in awhile, Orion and I still follow Frodo and his companions. Tonight, with heavy hearts, the weary troup marches on. Gandalf has fallen and hope seems a long way away, perhaps to be found in Lothlorien.

Day 138

When you live in a house on your own, you just take care of whatever comes up, lawn-wise, garbage-wise, appliance-wise and other-wise. There is no need for thinking.


When you are newly alone in a house on your own, you notice sounds you may have dismissed before, even those you automatically blame on the cat. Especially those you automatically blame on the cat, when you spy her, out of the corner of your eye, sleeping nearby.

Orion is visiting his dad tonight, so I am the only human in this house. All the kitties are asleep.

So now, there is a raccoon staring at me through the window. (True enough, it startled me at first, proving once again that in these sorts of encounters I tend to freeze like a guinea pig for a few seconds before acting. I think well enough, but not so quickly I'd ever be mistaken for an action hero.) Then it scuttled away and is now back. I'm not particularly afraid of raccoons and, apparently, neither are they of me. Probably it wants some of my peanuts, which are boiled in the shell, and warm.

Another thing about being the only human in the house is that I can watch as much cheesy old science fiction as I like, while eating exactly what I want, in pajamas that don't at all match.

This evening is for taking a break from thinking about things, or myself, or anyone I know. Learning to do this is a required course as it's extremely useful. Soon, sleep in cool desert air. We'll see what this does for your artist's brain.

I'll let you know. g'night

Day 137

I watch the clouds slide over the mountains like a shade being drawn. They are pushed by powerful winds that sculpt their edges into alien cathedrals. Down here the air slips cool and fast through my hair and on to rattle the jacaranda, scattering blossoms. For one crystalline moment I'm aware of the motion inherent in all things, from quarks to galaxies. Only for the briefest of moments, immeasurable, disorienting, dizzying.

Glimpses are all we get. Bits beyond any human equation, past understanding.

I close my eyes, feel the wind, hear it, wonder at all it carries along. A moment.

I have troubles, but they are mine. I have responsibilities, but I embrace them. I have a path that I will choose for myself at every turn, from this moment forward.

I am free.

Day 135

The first kitty to be born is the first to open her eyes. We'll be watching them all weekend, for sure.

It's Saturday morning. When I open my eyes, I remember that Spencer isn't here, and all that goes with. I don't cry. I've cried enough. What's here is sadness. What's gone is the weight of dread. But not the weight of worry for him. That may take some time and willpower. Tough love is tough on both the giver and the receiver. I have to let go and he has to find his way.
Lesson learned.

This weekend I will spend with Orion, tying up loose ends, sending poppets out to collectors waiting. My art is my livelihood and I am surviving. I call that success, but I couldn't do it without those who've given homes to so many of my creations. I'm deeply grateful to each of you. I'll keep making things that make you think and smile and sometimes laugh out loud.

It's Saturday morning and Soosi, good mother that she is, has begun to play again. She's a young mother, and it's good to see her bat a toy around. I don't want her to lose the ability to play. We never should.

It's Saturday morning and I don't know when I'll play again, but in my heart of hearts I know that I will.

It's Saturday morning and my eyes are a little more open.

Day 132

Flight at Dawn



Little is known about the history of poppets. Much of their story remains a mystery. I slowly piece it together from glimpses they offer. We know they're older than the Earth, that they call themselves something else and that their connection to humans began because of something to do with the crows.

There's more, of course, but this is the part, the beginning of the 'us' (humans and poppets,that is) that inspired the 'Dawn' painting and this sculpure. The book will come later- if it does -hopefully before the end of me.



Aubrey took this photo of three maidens dancing. Summer solstice will be here soon and hey, the rapture happened and we're still here. Son = Sun. Same, samey, same. Calls for dancing. Silly humans.


Here is the wedding cake under the Alice in Wonderland - themed poppet wedding topper. Cool-ass cake, for sure.

Kitten update. Their eyes aren't quite open yet, but soon. You'll be happy to hear that Soosi is proving to be an excellent mother. She was antsy and protective today, so we kept 'Kitteh Hall' very quiet and private.

And finally, your artist et al is going through a breakup. Everyone is behaving with as much grace and courtesy as possible. It's very good to have that. But difficult all the same. I continue to work because I must meet practical needs. In turn, the work supports me spiritually and keeps me centered. Poppets help me keep a longer view. Silly humans. And so do you. Thank you for being here, fellow travelers. I have sons, daughters, little dancers and kittens. And always my companion, work. Sadness comes in turns, like seasons and flu. Must be mine, again.

g'night

Day 128

Last night I worked late on a crow piece. I didn't clean up after myself. Usually I do. At the end of the day I'll sweep up and put things away. I was tired. But the vibe was really good. The energy of the work lingered in the room even after I was spent. I could feel it. Maybe you can see it.

I usually use this room only for poppets and smaller pieces, but the windows were open and the air felt good.

I stayed for hours.

Gene Wolfe photo is by Mimi Ko

Crow piece in progress. All day the first layers dried in the sun so for the night I could start putting on the surface, applying individual 'feathers' cut from card stock and layered with paper mache paste brushed on to add strength and texture.

Soosi snuggles.

And now it's Saturday. I'll sweep up, mix new paste and start again. Hope yours is good.

Day 127

New work: Night Sky is a paper mache globe, 13 inches tall.

Fox hardly needs explanation. Because of foxes.

A preliminary sketch for the current book project. The onion rings on the windowsill are rubber bands. Definitely a draft, but getting there.

And kitty photos of the day, thanks to Aubrey.

Thank you to Greg H, who spent the day here on Tuesday, doing lots of extremely helpful things and who was a joy to have around.

Day 126

Yesterday I worked on a book project.

Last night, Soosi, aka "the soosi balloon," went into labor.

Now there are seven very small creatures that look only sort of like cats.

Each is different from every other, though in some ways, exactly the same.

By the end, Soosi was very tired and needed some help.

This is number 7, new in package.

I'm honored and grateful to have been here for this.

Soosi with her Seven.

After school, Orion meets kitty #2. We decided naming should wait until eyes are open and personalities revealed. And because Bilbo turns out to be a girl.

This mama and chicks were crossing our street in the middle of the day, heading for the ponds and grass nearby. I love the first one. He was really into the marching thing.

And here is Aubrey as a tot, because I felt oddly compelled to end this post with early Aubrey. When we know creatures from their beginnings, we tend to see them as mosaics of all the versions of themselves we've ever known. It makes for a rich and complex sense, true of creatures human and not.

Your artist is very tired. G'night.

Day 123

I hold Soosi in my arms. I feel her babies moving under my fingers. Soft little turns and kicks. I watch the clouds slide over the mountains, which have lost nearly all of their snow. The oleanders are in full bloom and the view is lush. The air is full of bird sounds. Orion is still asleep. The smell of coffee brewing wafts in from the kitchen.

It's a beautiful, peaceful morning in Palm Springs but I'm troubled. I take a deep breath. These are uncertain times for humanity and tough times for me. I used to say, in reference to making the large kinetic works, that I loved the thrill of operating on the edge of failure. It's a thrill to push one's limits, stretch abilities past the level of comfort. An artist knows when she's in unknown territory and this inner exploration can be as exhilarating as mountain climbing to the mind suited to inner travels.

I didn't, at the time I talked about it, mean I'd enjoy several years of struggling to stay afloat. I find it interesting that struggling rhymes with juggling. And I feel like a clown. As happens, I sometimes see the deeper layers in a work only after it's finished.

I know now that this drawing, made late one night in a fit of emotion, is myself. I see all the symbols about loss and questions. I see the longing for the ocean under my eyes.

I believe I'm living the story that I might tell in the future, in programming lectures, or that I'll write in a book. It's not the sort of story we tell while we're in it. It's too raw and I have no idea what sort of story it will be until things change and this chapter is over.

I fear that things won't change, that I will only grow older and be trapped and fade into this cocoon.

But that's illogical. Things always change. I know myself. The one thing I don't do is give up. I hope that because I don't, others won't either. Tenacity and hope are as contagious as despair. I loathe despair and kick it away when it creeps up.

Fail! I thought, when I looked at the date. My goal to post every single day quite broken. But I've learned the difference between continual and continuous. I cling to my effort. I'm still in this year I set for myself to grow, started mid December.

I work it out in the work. I must exercise that mental muscle. To put aside my fears. That somehow we'll keep afloat if I keep working, if I remain kind. To hold to the belief that things will change for me and for you. That humans will wake up and find a better way. That Americans will change their minds. If not, I'll change mine and shut it out after all. If this is childish, then I'll be that. I don't have a better answer. I'm still looking.

I'm making art. Taking deep breaths. Making more art. It must be in there somewhere. Between the work, the mountains, the kittens and my son's sweet face. It must be there.

Day 118

Still working like a fiend. I'm not sure how I feel. Quiet and sort of flat in a way, a little removed. I do responsible and kind things but feel distant. When sadness appears I wave it away like smoke.

It's like when you're walking through a large and very crowded place and you're in a hurry. You're in the zone, you're dodging and weaving and moving fast with your head down and little thought in it other than moving toward where you're going. Wherever that is.

The work is wholly visual, or tactile, or colors. I'll figure out what it means later. or not.
My desk is piled high with mail, bills, lists, messages, my pregnant cat. I've stepped away, it seems. But not far, and not for long. Not lost, but wandering.
g'night

Day 116 or two

It's great to hear from you. Thanks for not thumping me about the kittens. Sheesh. I'm working intensely, sleeping and/or eating when I get tired or hungry. Wanted to wave and wish you well.
back to it then.

g'night

Day 115

It's morning, 7:10. Invader Zim and pancakes. It's already bright outside. It will be hot today. I finished the Silly Humans sculpture.

Today is a big shipping day, so I'll likely be helping Aubrey. But later in the afternoon, I'll start framing up another paper mache piece. This is the season for it. Outside, the layers dry fast and strong.

I think I may have told you about Soosi getting out about three weeks ago. She pushed and pushed at the kitchen window screen until she could squeeze out over it. She came right back but we were worried. She still had one more booster to go before she could be spayed.

And now she is big as a basketball and full of kittens. I feel like an idiot. I know. Yes, I know the right thing would have been to abort them.

But I couldn't make myself do it.

Now we're faced with the inevitable basket of kittens.

There are many worse problems.

I'm taking another break from the news. Today is a gift and I intend to treat it that way. Honor it.

glitches and all.

I don't enjoy going to dark places, but I certainly seem to learn things there. It's where poppets speak things that make sense.

I will, of course, be counting on you to help me name kittens. sheesh. I am a fool. But then, we've established that.

have a good day.

Day 114

Day 113

Today was the sort of day where there was little time between having to be one place or another. It's a beautiful desert night. I plan to sleep right through it.

g'night