Not Testing

This is a first. I haven't taken a home pregnancy test and it's 13dpo. I'm not going to test tomorrow either. Just wait for the results from my beta, assume it's negative, and be happily surprised if it's not.

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy

(the first half of this might appear to be bragging...just keep reading)

It ocurred to me last night, in the midst of my funk, that the problem I'm having is somewhat new for me. School is a game that I've always been able to win. Despite whatever momentary feelings of inadequacy I harbor, I've always been able to accomplish what I wanted, academically anyway. I was an honors student from second grade on; I racked up prizes through junior high and high school; I went to college on full scholarship, and I graduated with honors in both majors, with my picture hanging on the wall of the student union for a year. Even though I barely squeaked into graduate school (my GRE scores were *abysmal*), I ended up passing my comprehensive exams with "distinction," won prizes for best graduate papers in the two fields I worked in, and was recognized as the outstanding student in the program before I graduated. I got a tenure track job at a fabulous SLAC, and then I went on the market and landed a job at an R1 institution. And that, folks, is when everything changed.

For all of the accomplishments above, I've always *felt* inadequate. In college, I had to reread one of my own papers every time I sat down to write because I couldn't imagine what a paper needed to do. I was sure I wouldn't make it through my first year of grad school (clearly I barely made it into the program!). I didn't think I'd be able to pass my comps. My academic life, in other words, has been a series of feelings of inadequacy followed by an accomplishment that said "okay, you can do this," and then the cycle started over. So I'm in a slumpy cycle, thinking not about the pieces of writing that have been recently accepted for publication but the book manuscripts that haven't been. I'm working at a place where my colleagues (for the most part) are well-established and even super-stars in their fields. I'm at a place that I really don't think I can succeed (emotionally I've been here many times before) and the recognition seems far off and impossible to reach. Maybe this is as far as I can go. Maybe I'm really not good enough to publish a book. Yesterday at the "free books" table at school I found a book written by someone I knew in grad school; he was an undergraduate at the time. I thought the name sounded familiar and looked at the cover on the back; he's clearly a man now, not an adolescent boy, but it's the same person. He's done more than I have. And that hit me pretty hard.

It's easy to think about all that I *haven't* accomplished or won this year (book contests, grants) and all that hasn't gone right. In most cases, I try to ignore all that and keep plugging away at my work, because I *do* value the work for its own sake, regardless of whatever gets taken by publishers. (I've been in the business long enough to know that at a certain point what gets taken--in my field--isn't necessarily the "best") But the larger context in which I work--an R1 institution--recognizes only the finished product that's been given a stamp of approval by a publisher or government agency. And I really wonder if I've reached my limit as a writer.

Things Suck

I do not feel like blogging the specifics, but things are sucking right now. In general terms, I have a friendship in crisis, just received bad news about a book manuscript, feel anxious about my job given the aforementioned and the economic crisis of the university, have massive attendance problems in one of my classes, and on top of those usual stressors, I need to take a pregnancy test tomorrow (that I'm sure is negative, so I'm not even bothering with that whole peeing on a stick thing).

I'm not going to let myself get into a funk about all this but will do what I do best, which is just plug away at my work and move forward. But this sucks.

Updates from the Land of Running Water

Can I just say it's very nice to have a functioning kitchen sink again? (No, I'm not going to beat myself up for not calling the plumber sooner. I do things at my own speed.)

Toilet #2 has been declared dead by the plumber. Thankfully, it's only been used about 3 times in the 3 years we have lived in this house. (At least I can tell my mother I had the plumber look at it.)

*

And in entirely unrelated issues: I finally got my tax stuff together. All missing forms were indeed buried at the bottom of a basket of paper I needed to go through. All my other erratic record keeping methods work out well enough, so I won't be changing this one any time soon.

Random Bullets of Things I Might Expand Upon Later

• My progesterone level came back at a wonderful 29.8. What's wonderful about this is that I'm not on oral progesterone (and I thought the vaginal approach didn't elevate blood levels?). I know not to read anything into elevated progesterone, but this does bode well.
• The plumber is downstairs working in my kitchen. Then he will tackle issues with two toilets, one of which he said might be from the 1920s (which doesn't make much sense given the house was built in 1941, but I'll concede the point that it's probably OLD). Needless to say Old Toilet, which is in the basement, will not be replaced at this time if it's issues are not cheaply and easily fixable. I'll save that for the eventual creation of a real bathroom down there (as opposed to the toilet in one corner, shower in the other corner of the laundry room approach that currently exists).
• Evil committee work for the semester is done!!!! While meetings are not done for other things, I will take what I can get.
• As usual, my conversation with my chair left me feeling worse than when I went to see him. While he is very positive *on paper* our conversations end up with him telling me to write another book. And I don't want to *write* another book (at least not the "marketable" book he wants me to write). I'd rather focus on *publishing* the ones that I have already written. And for two of the three, I think this is realistic, if I find the right publisher, as both have received national recognition in major contests. The third, well, that will happen or it won't (it's a really weird project in a little-published genre).
• I have required three evening babysitters within the past seven days. That makes me crabby.
• LG is going to kindergarten in the fall! I went to the parent orientation meeting earlier this week and started crying in the auditorium. There I was, with an embryo possibly implanting and a five-year-old heading off to school. She's the class of 2022, which makes me smile, as 2 is my favorite number.
• All that frantic searching for notes ended up being for naught, as we only spent about 20 minutes on that new text. So I know what I'll be reading over the weekend.
• My mama is coming to visit! Now, while I'm not keen about the whole taking a pregnancy test while my mom is visiting angle, I do like the built-in cook and errand-runner. And it will be nice to see her. I might even take Tuesday "off" so we can hang out.
• I really think this is the end of the bad week. Major campus events tonight and tomorrow, and then it's back to the daily grind of grading and reading and writing, without all the extra nonsense. Yahoo!

Thank Goodness for Compulsive Note Keeping

Thank goodness I didn't get rid of notes from a class I TA'd for in 1998. I now have a resource from which to pull discussion ideas for a book that I only read in that context and now am (stupidly) teaching. It would be great if I had another few days to reread it. But I don't. My notes are copious. They also referred me to an interview with the author that I have buried in the coursepacket for this course, which is, thankfully, on the shelf in my office.

And now I am off for a meeting with my chair.

The Progesterone Chronicles

I thought taking progesterone vaginally lesssened, or eliminated, side effects. No such luck. I feel like my lids are glued to my eyeballs. I seriously contemplated what would happen if I stayed in my office and never walked across campus to class. And I'm not even midway through the 2ww.

Lazy Sunday

This weekend was one in which I (a) had a lot of work that needed to be done and (b) desperately needed to recover from the massive sleep deprivation of earlier in the week (which isn't helped any by the hcg/progesterone cocktail I'm on and hope to continue to be on for the next 38 weeks, but I digress). So I declared today "lazy day," let LG stay in her pajamas all day, and graded papers while she watched a movie (I sat on the couch next to her). We baked banana bread, we colored, and we played a lot of games. We did not go outside or venture out in the car. We ate the ultimate creamy comfort food for dinner (red lentil and rice soup). Now she is down for the night. I will clean up few things around the kitchen, throw a load of laundry in the wash, comment on the last of the student writing, watch Weeds on DVD, shower, and go to bed by 10:00. This is the last of the crazy busy weeks--I hope.

A Day in the Life of a Fertility Patient

3:30am or so--wake when LG pees in her bed, spend the night tossing and thinking
7:00am--begin the day, when LG comes into my room
8:20--leave for daycare
9:00—arrive at my office for breakfast and frantic prep
10:00—walk to Class #1
11:40—dismiss Class #1, race to parking garage
12:40—arrive at Dr. Gorgeous’s office, for a 12:30 appointment
1:00—finally get called back to an exam room
1:20 or so—Dr. Gorgeous comes in for a discussion of some “issues” that came up with the specimen and decides to do the IUI herself
1:40—I check my phone and realize I really need to be heading back, but Dr. Gorgeous still hasn’t come in to dismiss me, give me prescriptions and test results
1:50—I decide I can’t wait and get dressed
1:53—check out, the receptionist goes to find out what’s happened to my prescription, race to the car
2:45—pull into a parking space in the lot adjacent to the classroom building
3:00—go into Class #2 with absolute minimum prep (as in, I just looked at my notes from the last time I taught this book)
4:45—go to pick up LG for dinner, stories, and snuggle time
7:15—leave LG’s room to await the arrival of a friend
9:20—time for bed, take Benadryl and hope I don’t hear from LG until “seven-zero-zero”

Sleep Deprivation

Well, at least I slept until 3:30 am this morning, when LG peed in her bed.

I was talking to my mom last night and she said, "What did you do when LG was a baby so you slept through the night?" She slept with me. I dealt with her issues, we went back to bed. I wasn't sleep deprived until LG was 3.5.

I have a theory about this. I think prolactin and all those other yummy new mother hormones make us better able to deal with the loss of sleep that naturally comes with an infant. Mothers of five-year-olds lack this trait. It just makes us cognitively impaired, years after maternity leave.

I have no idea what to do about this. The last time LG went through a major patch of night-waking I ended up on Ambien to re-regulate my sleep. It doesn't matter if *she* goes back to bed; if I wake in that 1-4 am window I have an incredibly difficult time falling back to sleep and often don't. Two nights in a row of this stuff doesn't bode well.

I Have Lost 75% of My Brain Function

Okay, so while that might be a slight exaggeration, it is true that I can't really read right now, and even emptying the dishwasher seems a monumental task (I just typed "talks"...that's how messed up I am!). Between the hcg shot and the lack of sleep...I'm useless.

LG is down for the night. I will clean up a few things in the kitchen, take Benadryl, and follow suit. I'll deal with work in the morning.

Green Light!

Well, I'm not sure what to think about this. I went in for my day 9 sono today; there's a big 22 mm follicle and mature lining, which means I'll trigger tonight for IUI on Thurs (which is fabuloso, at least in terms of my teaching schedule!). However, I tend to surge on my own once I have a follicle at 18.5 or 19 mm. I took an OPK this morning, and it was clearly negative (though getting close). So what gives?

In other wacky ovarian news, my estradiol level continues to be elevated (at 73 on day 3). Now, the superstitious part of me knows that I conceived LG on a cycle with elevated E2 levels, but the practical part of me wonders if this isn't some holdover from the monster cyst from hell and that "follicle" we saw today really isn't a follicle. (This is when a baseline sono would have been useful, but c'est la vie).


Updated to add: Well of course there's a glitch. There's always a glitch. Took another OPK and it's positive (or I think it's positive, one never can be sure with those things). Call in to Dr. Gorgeous' office to see if she wants to reschedule the IUI for tomorrow. This is *exactly* like the cycle I conceived LG, except in that case I solved the problem by doing two IUIs, one at 24 hrs post-trigger, the other at 48 (and of course there's no way to tell which of them worked, though I suspect it was the later one, as LG measured for the later date at those 6-7 weeks sonos). Damn. I wish I hadn't peed on that stupid stick.

Have I mentioned that I always have a nasty bout of insomnia around surge/trigger time? Last night LG woke up at 2:00 or so and I never fell back to sleep.

Again with the updates: So I tried to take a nap (which failed, of course; I only was able to nap during early pregnancy) and was roused by the call from the nurse. IUI rescheduled for tomorrow, between my two classes (dicey, yes, we'll see how it goes, though today I was there and back in just under two hours). Will need to get myself out of a meeting. An important meeting, but a meeting I'd rather not attend anyway. I'm not a good liar. I am however quite rhetorically savvy; it goes with the job.

So Much For Spring Break

I am in a massive state of denial about returning to work tomorrow. I still need to do my lesson plan and comment on the student writing that I somehow never managed to complete. And then tomorrow, it’s all the emailing and general staying on top of things, and then my cycle’s in full swing, and a visiting writer on campus who I will need to shepherd around. And I’m actually supposed to be writing?

Random Bullets of Spring Break

• A short essay that I drafted right before the Great Computer Disaster of 2008 was just accepted for publication. Thankfully, because it was an electronic submission, I have a copy of the original. Due to the quick turnaround, I can expect to see this essay in print in 2009. (Which is somewhat unfortunate as due to the budget crisis, I can't imagine we'll actually get raises for the next few years, and I will have a *great* list of pubs for 2009).
• I have watched many movies. These include The TV Set, Changeling, The Women (new version), and Smart People. I will also be watching Frida, as I will be showing clips in class next week.
• My nose still hurts. A lot.
• I read a book, which is only tangentially related to my work.
• I finished that R&R (though I have not actually put it in the mail yet).
• I looked over proofs of an essay coming out this spring.
• I made corrections on that short essay, just accepted, and will turn that back by the end of the week.
• I bought a small set of baskets/drawers for LG's art supplies, which were taking over our living room. I am much happy with this change.
• I instituted a policy that LG must pick out her clothes the night before, or she forfeits the right to choose her own clothes. I am tired of the morning meltdowns, which make us late and crabby.
• Today is a day of seeing friends. I have both lunch and dinner plans. After this, I will become a recluse again.
• Pills I took with my orange juice this morning: baby aspirin (for immune/clotting disorder), prenatal vitamin, vitamin B12 (because I am deficient), additional folic acid (because Dr. Gorgeous said so), and Femara (for ovarian stimulation). Additionally, I take Zyrtec at night (because I am allergic to my house and pretty much all of nature).

That is to say, I have not done everything on my "to do" list but I have met my goals of relaxing, socializing, cleaning, and getting work done. I need this, as all that grading and committee work resumes next week. I am so glad I decided not to teach this summer.

CD 1

It's Cycle Day 1 (finally)!

So:

• blood work tomorrow, as I wasn't able to do it last month
• Femara from Wednesday through Sunday
• sonogram for follicle check next Tuesday (cd 9)
• and IUI in all likelihood next Thursday, Friday, or Saturday (cd 11-13)

I'm back in the game!

*

And now I'm off to pick up LG early from school, take her to get a haircut, and go to McDonalds to play. (To understand how monumental this is, you need to know that I have not eaten at McDonalds in probably fifteen years, unless you count buying a Coke when using the bathroom as a travel stop. LG has been *begging* me for months to take her so she can play and drink a juice box (I guess apple juice tastes better that way), so I have seized upon the opportunity to bribe her. She gets a much-needed haircut; she gets to go to McDonalds. I'll read, she'll play, all good.

That 25 Writers Meme

So I just did that 25 writers who have most influenced you meme and, not surprisingly, it turned to be a list of my colleagues and professors, plus my favorite writers. Therefore, I've decided not to post it because it will become blatantly obvious if not who I am then at least where I have gone to school and where I currently work. I guess this is the problem when you are a "writer" (ack!) for your primary job description.

I Think I Broke My Nose

Seriously. I made the unfortunate mistake of trying to sneak up on LG and her friends at a child's birthday party and ran smack into the "big eyeball" (courtesy of LG) at the museum. It hurt like hell yesterday (though LG was amused to no end to watch me curled up on the couch with her boo-boo kitty ice pack on my face). Between the ice and using my migraine meds for unofficial purposes, there's not much swelling left. But the whole bridge of my nose is a lovely shade of purple. At least it's spring break...

When Will This Cycle Actually Begin?

Still spotting. Which means there's absolutely no way my IUI will fall over spring break. Trying to figure out how I'll manage to drive to the clinic, an hour away, when I teach at 10:20. Here's hoping for Saturday/Tuesday monitoring and Thursday morning IUI... I *really* don't want to face the decision of whether or not I will cancel class or skip this first cycle back. Sigh.

When Does Spring Break Actually Begin?

In one of my narratives, spring break began at 4:45 pm yesterday, when the students from my last class packed up their stuff and went on their merry way. I picked up LG and announced we were eating Chinese food for dinner. Afterward, I put her to bed and watched TV in bed. This morning we ate breakfast at home before daycare--pancakes for her, oatmeal for me--and still got to school at a reasonable hour. I came home, did my usual coffee/computer/writing routine. Then abandoned it--it's spring break!--to run an errand, during which I ended up at a bargain bookstore I hadn't noticed before. They had Moleskine notebooks at half price, so I stocked up (then I realized they had lines, but whatever). And then I organized the junk on the front seat of the car and started cleaning my home office. Sun shone in through the windows (and I ignored the fact that they desperately need to be cleaned!).

But then I remembered. How can it possibly be spring break when I still have five meetings and about twenty pieces of student writing to go? Any suggestions on what movie I should watch after The All Day Commitee Extravangza (which is the official beginning of spring break)? I've got The Changeling and How to Lose Friends and Alienate People at the top of my Netflix queue (though my account is currently on hold, like much of the rest of my life).

Doubt

I have these moments in the middle of the day, driving between here and there, contemplating all the things on my to do list and the impossibility of staying on top of academic life as it is, when I wonder what the fuck I'm doing trying to have another child. And then I pick up LG and see in the curve of her jaw the face I held to my breast five years ago and I think, oh yes.

Countdown!

1--specimen of the other half of LG's DNA at Dr. Gorgeous' office
1.5--hours until I pick up LG
2--papers to grade before tomorrow
3--minimum number of movies I'd like to wach over spring break
4--days until spring break
5--days until I expect my next cycle to begin (if you're reading this blog, you know I'm ttc, so I'll assume that's not TMI!)
6--meetings in the next four days, including The All Day Committee Extravaganza
7--number of medications LG will have today, if one includes vitamins
8--number of black out shades I should purchase in order to deal with the impending arrival of Daylight Savings Time (which I hate, you should know)
9--weeks until summer vacation
10--ttc cycles I attempted before conceiving LG
20--pieces of student writing to comment on before tomorrow
30--pages left to read for Class #2 tomorrow

Making Progress

So my mom's visiting this weekend. Which means I'm having substantial alone time during the day during which I can work, while she takes LG on various errands and outings. As Sunday afternoon approaches Sunday evening, I wonder what I would have done had she not visited this particular weekend. Thanks to free childcare, I have graded midterms (just one question to go), taken care of much emailing related to The All Day Committee Extravaganza, made handouts for assignments for Class #2 (for the remainder of the term), and finished reading for class. Still on the docket for the evening: commenting on student writing for Class #1. And I should also come up with a more formal lesson plan than talk about the book I assigned, like, I don't know, make up discussion questions or choose passages or something. I do think it's about time for in-class writing. And we haven't done group work in a long while.

I just put a chicken to roast in the oven. And I might take a few minutes and call a friend on the phone. I'm just exhausted (that's the downside of mom visiting; I don't usually sleep).