Tuesday I am

Tuesdays I Am


I am thinking of:
the house needs to be decorated for Christmas and I need more supplies to do it.

I am thankful for:
family

I am in the kitchen:
making school lunches

I am wearing:
jeans, a maroon Paris tshirt with a gray sweatshirt over it and blue/green fuzzy socks

I am creating:
later today it will be ornaments for RS

I am reading:
The Carousel

I am hoping:
I can come up with stuff to talk about when someone comes over to help me today.

I am hearing:
teen nick on the tv

I am around the house:
trying to decorate a little bit for Christmas with the things we do have.

Tuesdays I am

Tuesdays I Am


I am thinking of:
how much still needs to be done in this house to get it all settled.

I am thankful for:
skype/internet

I am in the kitchen:
wondering what I can make for dinner that wont take any effort

I am wearing:
navy blue yoga type capri things and a navy blue way too big Hawaii tshirt

I am creating:
nothing at the moment.

I am reading:
blogs. lots of blogs.

I am hoping:
Grandma gets better enough to leave the hospital instead of giving up and dying in one.

I am hearing:
the whir of my laptop cooling pad fan thing. but in 5 minutes Ill hear Trent burst in from school.

I am around the house:
being a bum and getting nothing done..though lots of things need cleaning up

thoughts

so I was thinking last night while making dinner.. and I dont want this to come out sounding like some sort of pity party looking for ego stroking remarks.. and definitely dont want it to come off sounding like some sort of suicidal alarm or anything like that. Im not considering hurting myself or anything, so if anyone does read this.. dont panic.

so now that I have that out of the way..

I was thinking about my death. If I was to die today, would it really affect anyone other than my immediate family? and as I was thinking about it, I really dont think it would.
I do think friends of mine would be initially sad, and I might even have a bunch of people show up at my funeral..although I dont even know that for certain. I did see how many people came to my brother Mikes funeral, and he probably wouldnt have thought that many people would have shown up at his either.. who knows..

but, I also think maybe people would show up out of a sense of obligation or something.. ?

But back to my thoughts.. if I died today.. my family would be upset and I do think my kids need me here.. I think it would hurt my mom.. not really sure about my siblings. They didnt grow up with me and they dont really know me as well as they know each other, so Im inclined to think they might be sad in the beginning but really, it wouldnt have a huge effect on their lives. It would effect my husband, although again, I tend to think it would be more of a 'this is hard, what do i do with these kids and things now' kind of thoughts more than an 'i cant live without her' sort of thought.
he could get remarried though and really, things would be fine from then on out.

same with any friends of mine.. yeah, they might be sad at hearing about my death..and maybe they would pause and think about our friendship or things we did together or whatnot.. but in reality, they could all go back to their lives within a matter of a couple days or so and not give it another thought. ok so maybe a tiny thought here and there but nothing major. does that make any sense?

so then I was thinking.. is this something that I need to do something about? do i need to start doing more service for people or something? do i need to be making a difference in someone elses life so they dont feel this way about their own deaths? but in a way doesnt that sound like i would be doing things just in hopes that when i do die, i will have had some kind of impact on others? does that sound selfish or something??

I dont know.. lots of thoughts about this stuff in the last 12 hours or so. dunno why..

but again.. dont worry.. im fine.

and dont know what i want to do about it.. if anything.